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by Tobias Smollett
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Title: The Adventures of Roderick Random

Author: Tobias Smollett

Release Date: May, 2003  [Etext #4085]
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[The actual date this file first posted = 11/14/01]

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by Tobias Smollett
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The Adventures of Roderick Random

By Tobias Smollett





THE AUTHOR'S PREFACE




Of all kinds of satire, there is none so entertaining and universally
improving, as that which is introduced, as it were occasionally,
in the course of an interesting story, which brings every incident
home to life, and by representing familiar scenes in an uncommon and
amusing point of view, invests them with all the graces of novelty,
while nature is appealed to in every particular.  The reader
gratifies his curiosity in pursuing the adventures of a person in
whose favour he is prepossessed; he espouses his cause, he sympathises
with him in his distress, his indignation is heated against the
authors of his calamity: the humane passions are inflamed; the
contrast between dejected virtue and insulting vice appears with
greater aggravation, and every impression having a double force
on the imagination, the memory retains the circumstance, and the
heart improves by the example. The attention is not tired with a
bare catalogue of characters, but agreeably diverted with all the
variety of invention; and the vicissitudes of life appear in their
peculiar circumstances, opening an ample field for wit and humour.

Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance, vanity, and
superstition. In the dark ages of the World, when a man had rendered
himself famous for wisdom or valour, his family and adherents availed
themselves of his superior qualities, magnified his virtues, and
represented his character and person as sacred and supernatural.
The vulgar easily swallowed the bait, implored his protection, and
yielded the tribute of homage and praise, even to adoration; his
exploits were handed down to posterity with a thousand exaggerations;
they were repeated as incitements to virtue; divine honours were
paid, and altars erected to his memory, for the encouragement of
those who attempted to imitate his example; and hence arose the
heathen mythology, which is no other than a collection of extravagant
romances. As learning advanced, and genius received cultivation,
these stories were embellished with the graces of poetry, that they
might the better recommend themselves to the attention; they were
sung in public, at festivals, for the instruction and delight of
the audience; and rehearsed before battle, as incentives to deeds
of glory. Thus tragedy and the epic muse were born, and, in the
progress of taste, arrived at perfection. It is no wonder that the
ancients could not relish a fable in prose, after they had seen
so many remarkable events celebrated in verse by their best poets;
we therefore find no romance among them during the era of their
excellence, unless the Cyropaedia of Xenophon may be so called;
and it was not till arts and sciences began to revive after the
irruption of the barbarians into Europe, that anything of this kind
appeared. But when the minds of men were debauched by the imposition
of priestcraft to the most absurd pitch of credulity, the authors
of romance arose, and losing sight of probability, filled their
performances with the most monstrous hyperboles. If they could not
equal the ancient poets in point of genius. they were resolved to
excel them in fiction, and apply to the wonder, rather than the
judgment, of their readers. Accordingly, they brought necromancy to
their aid, and instead of supporting the character of their heroes
by dignity of sentiment and practice, distinguished them by their
bodily strength, activity, and extravagance of behaviour. Although
nothing could be more ludicrous and unnatural than the figures
they drew, they did not want patrons and admirers; and the world
actually began to be infected with the spirit of knight-errantry,
when Cervantes, by an inimitable piece of ridicule, reformed the
taste of mankind, representing chivalry in the right point of view,
and converting romance to purposes far more useful and entertaining,
by making it assume the sock, and point out the follies of ordinary
life.

The same method has been practised by other Spanish and French
authors, and by none more successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage,
who, in his Adventures of Gil Blas, has described the knavery and
foibles of life, with infinite humour and sagacity. The following
sheets I have modelled on his plan, taking me liberty, however, to
differ from him in the execution, where I thought his particular
situations were uncommon, extravagant, or peculiar to the country
in which the scene is laid. The disgraces of Gil Blas are, for the
most part, such as rather excite mirth than compassion; he himself
laughs at them; and his transitions from distress to happiness, or
at least ease, are so sudden, that neither the reader has time to
pity him, nor himself to be acquainted with affliction. This conduct,
in my opinion, not only deviates from probability, but prevents
that generous indignation, which ought to animate the reader against
the sordid and vicious disposition of the world.  I have attempted
to represent modest merit struggling with every difficulty to which
a friendless orphan is exposed, from his own want of experience, as
well as from the selfishness, envy, malice, and base indifference
of mankind. To secure a favourable prepossession, I have allowed
him the advantages of birth and education, which in the series of
his misfortunes will, I hope, engage the ingenuous more warmly in
his behalf; and though I foresee, that some people will be offended
at the mean scenes in which he is involved, I persuade myself that
the judicious will not only perceive the necessity of describing
those situations to which he must of course be confined, in his
low estate, but also find entertainment in viewing those parts of
life, where the humours and passions are undisguised by affectation,
ceremony, or education; and the whimsical peculiarities
of disposition appear as nature has implanted them. But I believe
I need not trouble myself in vindicating a practice authorized by
the best writers in this way, some of whom I have already named.

Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, perceive I have not
deviated from nature in the facts, which are all true in the main,
although the circumstances are altered and disguised, to avoid
personal satire.

It now remains to give my reasons for making the chief personage of
this work a North Briton, which are chiefly these: I could, at a
small expense, bestow on him such education as I thought the dignity
of his birth and character required, which could not possibly be
obtained in England, by such slender means as the nature of my plan
would afford. lit the next place, I could represent simplicity of
manners in a remote part of the kingdom, with more propriety than
in any place near the capital; and lastly, the disposition of the
Scots, addicted to travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving
an adventurer from that country.  That the delicate reader may not
be offended at the unmeaning oaths which proceed from the mouths
of some persons in these memoirs, I beg leave to promise, that
I imagined nothing could more effectually expose the absurdity of
such miserable expletives, than a natural and verbal representation
of the discourse in which they occur.





APOLOGUE




A young painter, indulging a vein of pleasantry, sketched a kind of
conversation piece, representing a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an
ass; and to render it more striking, humorous, and moral, distinguished
every figure by some emblem of human life.  Bruin was exhibited in
the garb and attitude of an old, toothless, drunken soldier; the
owl perched upon the handle of a coffee-pot, with spectacle on
nose, seemed to contemplate a newspaper; and the ass, ornamented
with a huge tie-wig (which, however, could not conceal his long
ears), sat for his picture to the monkey, who appeared with the
implements of painting. This whimsical group afforded some mirth,
and met with general approbation, until some mischievous wag hinted
that the whole--was a lampoon upon the friends of the performer; an
insinuation which was no sooner circulated than those very people
who applauded it before began to be alarmed, and even to fancy
themselves signified by the several figures of the piece.

Among others, a worthy personage in years, who had served in the army
with reputation, being incensed at the Supposed outrage, repaired
to the lodging of the painter, and finding him at home, "Hark ye,
Mr. Monkey," said he, "I have a good mind to convince you, that
though the bear has lost his teeth, he retains his paws, and that
he is not so drunk but he can perceive your impertinence."  "Sblood!
sir, that toothless jaw is a d--ned scandalous libel--but don't
yon imagine me so chopfallen as not to be able to chew the cud of
resentment." Here he was interrupted by the arrival of a learned
physician, who, advancing to the culprit with fury in his aspect,
exclaimed, "Suppose the augmentation of the ass's ears should prove
the diminution of the baboon's--nay, seek not to prevaricate, for,
by the beard of Aesculapius! there is not one hair in this periwig
that will not stand up in judgment to convict thee of personal
abuse. Do but observe, captain, how this pitiful little fellow has
copied the very curls-the colour, indeed, is different, but then
the form and foretop are quite similar." While he thus remonstrated
in a strain of vociferation, a venerable senator entered, and
waddling up to the delinquent, "Jackanapes!" cried he, "I will now
let thee see I can read something else than a newspaper, and that
without the help of spectacles: here is your own note of hand,
sirrah, for money, which if I had not advanced, you yourself would
have resembled an owl, in not daring to show your face by day, you
ungrateful slanderous knave!"

In vain the astonished painter declared that he had no intention to
give offence, or to characterise particular persons: they affirmed
the resemblance was too palpable to be overlooked; they taxed him
with insolence, malice, and ingratitude; and their clamours being
overheard by the public, the captain was a bear, the doctor an ass,
and the senator an owl, to his dying day.

-----

Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of the Lord,
remember this example "while thou art employed in the perusal of
the following sheets; and seek not to appropriate to thyself that
which equally belongs to five hundred different people. If thou
shouldst meet with a character that reflects thee in some ungracious
particular, keep thy own counsel; consider that one feature makes
not a face, and that though thou art, perhaps, distinguished by a
bottle nose, twenty of thy neighbours may be in the same predicament."





THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM





CHAPTER I




Of my Birth and Education


I was born in the northern part of this united kingdom, in the
house of my grand. father, a gentleman of considerable fortune and
influence, who had on many occasions signalised himself in behalf
of his country; and was remarkable for his abilities in the law,
which he exercised with great success in the station of a judge,
particularly against beggars, for whom he had a singular aversion.

My father (his youngest son) falling in love with a poor relation,
who lived with the old gentleman in quality of a housekeeper,
espoused her privately; and I was the first fruit of that marriage.
During her pregnancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much that her
husband, tired with her importunity, at last consulted a highland
seer, whose favourable interpretation he would have secured
beforehand by a bribe, but found him incorruptible. She dreamed
she was delivered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who, to her
great surprise, acted the part of a midwife) struck so forcibly
with a racket that it disappeared in an instant; and she was for
some time inconsolable for the lost of her offspring; when, all on
a sudden, she beheld it return with equal violence, and enter the
earth, beneath her feet, whence immediately sprang up a goodly
tree covered with blossoms, the scent of which operated so strongly
on her nerves that she awoke. The attentive sage, after some
deliberation, assured my parents, that their firstborn would be a
great traveller; that he would undergo many dangers and difficulties,
and at last return to his native land, where he would flourish in
happiness and reputation. How truly this was foretold will appear
in the sequel. It was not long before some officious person informed
my grandfather of certain familiarities that passed between his son
and housekeeper which alarmed him so much that, a few days after,
he told my father it was high time for him to think of settling; and
that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in justice
have no objections. My father, finding it would be impossible to
conceal his situation much longer, frankly owned what he had done;
and excused himself for not having asked the consent of his father,
by saying, he knew it would have. been to no Purpose; and that, had
his inclination been known, my grandfather might have taken such
measures as would have effectually put the gratification of it out
of his power: he added, that no exceptions could be taken to his
wife's virtue, birth, beauty, and good sense, and as for fortune,
it was beneath his care. The old gentleman, who kept all his
passions, except one, in excellent order, heard him to an end with
great temper, and then calmly asked, how he proposed to maintain
himself and spouse? He replied, he could be in no danger of wanting
while his father's tenderness remained, which he and his wife should
always cultivate with the utmost veneration; and he was persuaded
his allowance would be suitable to the dignity and circumstances
of his family, and to the provision already made for his brothers
and sisters, who were happily settled under his protection. "Your
brothers and sisters," said my grandfather, "did not think it beneath
them to consult me in an affair of such importance as matrimony;
neither, I suppose, would you have omitted that piece of duty,
had you not some secret fund in reserve; to the comforts of which
I leave you, with a desire that you will this night seek out another
habitation for yourself and wife, whither, in a short time, I will
send you an account of the ex pens I have been at in your education,
with a view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand
tour--you are a polite gentleman--a very pretty gentleman--I wish
you a great deal of joy, and am your very humble servant."

So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined.  However,
be did not long hesitate; for, being perfectly well acquainted
with his father's disposition, he did not doubt that he was glad
of this pretence to get rid of him; and his resolves being as
invariable as the laws of the Medes and Persians, he know it would
be to no purpose to attempt him by prayers and entreaties; so without
any farther application, he betook himself, with his disconsolate
bedfellow to a farm-house, where an old servant of his mother dwelt:
there they remained some time in a situation but ill adapted to
the elegance of their desires and tenderness of their love; which
nevertheless my father chose to endure, rather than supplicate
an unnatural and inflexible parent but my mother, foreseeing the
inconveniences to which she must have been exposed, bad she been
delivered in this place (and her pregnancy was very far advanced),
without communicating her design to her husband, went in disguise
to the house of my grand. father, hoping that her tears and condition
would move him to compassion, and reconcile him to an event which
was now irrecoverably past.

She found means to deceive the servants, and get introduced as
an unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial
grievances, it being my grandfather's particular province to
decide in all cases of scandal. She was accordingly admitted into
his presence, where, discovering herself, she fell at his feet,
and in the most affecting manner implored his forgiveness; at the
same the same time representing the danger that threatened not
only her life, but that of his own grandchild, which was about to
see the light. He told her he was sorry that the indiscretion of her
and his son had compelled him to make a vow, which put it out of
his power to give them any assistance; that he had already imparted
his thoughts on that subject to her husband, and was surprised that
they should disturb his peace with any farther importunity. This
said, he retired.

The violence of my mother's affliction had such an effect on
her constitution that she was immediately seized with the pains
of childbed; and had not an old maidservant, to whom she was very
dear, afforded her pity and assistance, at the hazard of incurring
my grandfather's displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of her womb
must have fallen miserable victims to his rigour and inhumanity. By
the friendship of this poor woman she was carried up to a garret,
and immediately delivered of a man child, the story of whose
unfortunate birth he himself now relates. My father, being informed
of what had happened, flew to the embraces of his darling spouse,
and while he loaded his offspring with paternal embraces, could not
forbear shedding a flood of tears on beholding the dear partner of
his heart (for whose ease he would have sacrificed the treasures
of the east) stretched upon a flock bed, in a miserable apartment,
unable to protect her from the inclemencies of the weather. It
is not to be supposed that the old gentleman was ignorant of what
passed, though he affected to know nothing of the matter, and
pretended to be very much surprised, when one of his grandchildren,
by his eldest son deceased, who lived with him as his heir apparent,
acquainted him with the affair; he determined therefore to observe
no medium, but immediately (on the third day after her delivery)
sent her a peremptory order to be gone, and turned off the servant
who had preserved her life. This behaviour so exasperated my father
that he had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations; and on
his bare knees implored that Heaven would renounce him if ever he
should forget or forgive the barbarity of his sire.

The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in
such circumstances, and the want of necessaries where she lodged,
together with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into
a languishing disorder, which put an end to her life. My father,
who loved her tenderly, was so affected with her death that he
remained six weeks deprived of his senses; during which time, the
people where he lodged carried the infant to the old man who relented
so far, on hearing the melancholy story of his daughter-in-law's
death, and the deplorable condition of his son, as to send the
child to nurse, and he ordered my father to be carried home to his
house, where he soon recovered the use of his reason.

Whether this hardhearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel
treatment of his son and daughter, or (which is more probable)
was afraid his character would suffer in the neighbourhood, he
professed great sorrow for his conduct to my father, whose delirium
was succeeded by a profound melancholy and reserve. At length he
disappeared, and, notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, could
not be heard of; a circumstance which confirmed most people in the
opinion of his having made away with himself in a fit of despair.
How I understood the particulars of my birth will appear in the
course of these memoirs.





CHAPTER II




I grow up--am hated by my Relations--sent to School--neglected by
my Grandfather--maltreated by my Master--seasoned to Adversity--I
form Cabals against the Pedant--am debarred Access to my
Grandfather--hunted by his Heir--I demolish the Teeth of his Tutor


There were not wanting some who suspected my uncles of being
concerned in my father's fate, on the supposition that they would
all share in the patrimony destined for him; and this conjecture
was strengthened by reflecting that in all his calamities they
never discovered the least inclination to serve him; but, on the
contrary, by all the artifices in their power, fed his resentment
and supported his resolution of leaving him to misery and want.
But people of judgment treated this insinuation as an idle chimera;
because, had my relations been so wicked as to consult their interest
by committing such an atrocious crime, the fate of my father would
have extended to me too whose life was another obstacle to their
expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace, and as I strongly resembled
my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I wanted nothing
which their indigent circumstances could afford: but their favour
was a weak resource against the jealous enmity of my cousins; who
the more my infancy promised, conceived the more implacable hatred
against me: and before I was six years of age, had so effectually
blockaded my grandfather that I never saw him but by stealth, when
I sometimes made up to his chair as he sat to view his labourers
in the field: on which occasion he would stroke my head, bid me be
a good boy, and promise to take care of me.

I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he
had been dictator time out of mind; but as he never paid for my
board, nor supplied me with clothes, books, and other necessaries
I required, my condition was very ragged and contemptible, and
the schoolmaster, who, through fear of my grandfather, taught me
gratis, gave himself no concern about the progress I made under
his instruction. In spite of all these difficulties and disgraces,
I became a good proficient in the Latin tongue; and, as soon as
I could write tolerably, pestered my grandfather with letters to
such a degree that he sent for my master, and chid him severely for
bestowing such pains on my education, telling him that, if ever I
should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which he had taught
me to commit, my blood would lie on his head.

The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his
patron, assured his honour that the boy's ability was more owing
to his own genius and application than to any instruction or
encouragement he received; that, although he could not divest him
of the knowledge he had already imbibed, unless he would empower
him to disable his fingers, he should endeavour, with God's help,
to prevent his future improvement. And, indeed, he punctually
performed what he had undertaken; for, on pretence that I had
written impertinent letters to my grandfather, he caused a board to
be made with five holes in it, through which he thrust the fingers
and thumb of my right hand, and fastened it by whipcord to my wrist,
in such a manner as effectually debarred me the use of my pen.
But this restraint I was freed from in a few days, by an accident
which happened in a quarrel between me and another boy; who, taking
upon him to insult my poverty, I was so incensed at his ungenerous
reproach that with one stroke with my machine I cut him to the
skull, to the great terror of myself and schoolfellows, who left
him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform the master of what
had happened. I was so severely punished for this trespass that,
were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression it made on
me would not be effaced; the more than the antipathy and horror I
conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The contempt
which my appearance naturally produced in all who saw me, the continual
wants to which I was exposed, and my own haughty disposition,
impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome
adventures, by which I was at length inured in adversity, and
emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly
scourged for crimes I did not commit, because, having the character of
a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author
lay unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of
robbing orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hunted,
of stealing gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old women
I never saw. Nay, a stammering carpenter had eloquence enough to
persuade my master that I fired a pistol loaded with small shot into
his window; though my landlady and the whole family bore witness
that I was abed fast asleep at the time when this outrage was
committed, I was once flogged for having narrowly escaped drowning,
by the sinking of a ferry boat in which I was passenger. Another
time, for having recovered of a bruise occasioned by a horse and
cart running over me. A third time, for being bitten by a baker's
dog. In short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate, the correction
and sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same.

Far from being subdued by this informal usage, my indignation
triumphed over that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced my
obedience; and the more my years and knowledge increased, the more
I perceived the injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the
help of an uncommon genius, and the advice and direction of our
usher, who had served my father in his travels, I made a surprising
progress in the classics, writing, and arithmetic; so that, before
I was twelve years old, I was allowed by everybody to be the best
scholar in the school. This qualification, together with the boldness
of temper and strength of make which had subjected almost all my
contemporaries, gave me such influence over them that I began to
form cabals against my persecutor; and was in hope of, being able
to bid him defiance in a very short time. Being at the head of a
faction, consisting of thirty boys, most of them of my own age, I
was determined to put their mettle to trial, that I might know how
far they were to be depended upon, before I put my grand scheme in
execution: with this view, we attacked a body of stout apprentices,
who bad taken possession of a part of the ground allotted to us for
the scheme of our diversions, and who were then playing at ninepins
on the spot; but I had the mortification to see my adherents routed
in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his flight by the
bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in pursuit of us.
This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them afterwards
in frequent skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing stones
at a distance, wherein I received many wounds, the scars of which
still remain. Our enemies were so harassed and interrupted by these
alarms that they at last abandoned their conquest, and left us to
the peaceable enjoyment of our own territories.

It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the
course of this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole
village; insomuch that, when different interests divided it, one
of the parties commonly courted the assistance of Roderick Random
(by which name I was known) to cast the balance, and keep the
opposite faction in awe. Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every
play-day to present myself before my grandfather, to whom I seldom
found access, by reason of his being closely besieged by a numerous
family of his female grandchildren, who, though they perpetually
quarrelled among themselves, never failed to join against me, as the
common enemy of all. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen,
minded nothing but fox-hunting, and indeed was qualified for nothing
else, notwithstanding his grandfather's indulgence in entertaining
a tutor for him at home; who at the same time performed the office
of parish clerk. This young Actaeon, who inherited his grandfather's
antipathy to everything in distress, never sat eyes on me without
uncoupling his beagles, and hunting me into some cottage or other,
whither I generally fled for shelter.  In this Christian amusement
he was encouraged by his preceptor, who, no doubt, took such
opportunities to ingratiate himself with the rising sun, observing,
that the old gentleman, according to the course of nature, had not
long to live, for he was already on the verge of fourscore.

The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that
one day, when I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer's
house, where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an
excellent marksman) with a large pebble, which struck out four of
his foreteeth, and effectually incapacitated him from doing the
office of a clerk.





CHAPTER III




My Mother's Brother arrives--relieves me--a Description of him--he
goes along with me to the House of my Grandfather--is encountered
by his Dogs--defeats them, after a bloody Engagement--is admitted
to the old Gentleman--a Dialogue between them


About this time my mother's only brother, who had been long abroad,
lieutenant of a man-of-war, arrived in his own country; where
being informed of my condition, he came to see me, and out of his
slender finances not only supplied me with what necessaries I wanted
for the present, but resolved not to leave the country until he
had prevailed on my grandfather to settle something handsome for
the future. This was a task to which he was by no means equal,
being entirely ignorant, not only of the judge's disposition, but
also of the ways of men in general, to which his education on board
had kept him an utter stranger.

He was a strong built man, somewhat bandy legged, with a neck like
that of a bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had
withstood the most obstinate assaults of the weather. His dress
consisted of a soldier's coat altered for him by the ship's tailor,
a striped flannel jacket, a pair of red breeches spanned with pitch,
clean gray worsted stockings, large silver buckles that covered
three-fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat, whose crown overlooked
the brims about an inch and a half, black bobwig in buckle, a check
shirt, a silk handkerchief, a hanger, with a brass handle, girded
to his thigh by a furnished lace belt, and a good oak plant under
his arm. Thus equipped, he set out with me (who by his bounty made a
very decent appearance) for my grandfather's house, where we were
saluted by Jowler and Caesar, whom my cousin, young master, had let
loose at our approach. Being well acquainted with the inveteracy
of these curs, I was about to betake myself to my heels, when my
uncle seized me with one hand, brandished his cudgel with the other,
and at one blow laid Caesar sprawling on the ground; but, finding
himself attacked at the same time in the rear by Jowler, and fearing
Caesar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheeled about, and by
a lucky stroke severed Jowler's head from his body. By this time,
the young foxhunter and three servants, armed with pitchforks and
flails, were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom they found
breathless upon the field; and my cousin was so provoked at the
death of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance,
and take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded with all
the curses and reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my
uncle stepped forwards with an undaunted air, at the sight of whose
bloody weapons his antagonists fell back with precipitation, when
he accosted their leader thus:

"Lookee, brother, your dogs having boarded me without provocation,
what I did was in my own defence. So you had best be civil, and
let us shoot a head, clear of you."

Whether the young squire misinterpreted my uncle's desire of peace,
or was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch
of resolution, I know not; but he snatched a flail from one of his
followers, and came up with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, who,
putting himself in a posture of defence, proceeded thus: "Lookee,
you lubberly son of a w--e, if you come athwart me, 'ware your
gingerbread work. I'll be foul of your quarter, d--n me."

This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to
check the progress of the young gentleman's choler, who, looking
behind him, perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut
the gate, and left him to decide the contention by himself.

Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousin's asking,
"Who the devil are you? What do you want? Some scoundrel of a seaman,
I suppose, who has deserted and turned thief. But don't think you
shall escape, sirrah--I'll have you hang'd, you dog, I will. Your
blood shall pay for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin. I would
not have parted with them to save your whole generation from the
gallows, you ruffian, you!" "None of your jaw, you swab--none of
your jaw," replied my uncle, "else I shall trim your laced jacket
for you. I shall rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy, I
shall." So saying, he sheathed his hanger, and grasped his cudgel.
Meanwhile the people of the house being alarmed, one of my female
cousins opened a window, and asked what was the matter. "The
matter!" answered the lieutenant; "no great matter, young woman;
I have business with the old gentleman, and this spark, belike,
won't allow me to come alongside of him," that's all. After a few
minutes pause we were admitted, and conducted to my grandfather's
chamber through a lane of my relations, who honoured me with very
significant looks as I passed along. When we came into the judge's
presence my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself
in this manner; "Your servant, your servant. What cheer, father?
what cheer? I suppose you don't know me--mayhap you don't. My name
is Tom Bowling, and this here boy, you look as if you did not know
him neither; 'tis like you mayn't. He's new rigged, i'faith; his
cloth don't shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. "Tis my
nephew, d'y see, Roderick Random--your own flesh and blood, old
gentleman. Don't lay a-stern, you dog," pulling me forward. My
grandfather (who was laid up with the gout) received this relation,
after his long absence, with that coldness of civility which was
peculiar to him; told him he was glad to see him, and desired him
to sit down. "Thank ye, thank ye, sir, I had as lief stand," said
my uncle; "for my own part, I desire nothing of you; but, if you
have any conscience at all, do something for this poor boy, who
has been used at a very unchristian rate. Unchristian do I call
it? I am sure the Moors in Barbary have more humanity than to leave
their little ones to want.  I would fain know why my sister's son
is more neglected than that there fair-weather Jack" (pointing to
the young squire, who with the rest of my cousins had followed us
into the room). "Is not he as near akin to you as the other? Is he
not much handsomer and better built than that great chucklehead?
Come, come, consider, old gentleman, you are going in a short time
to give an account of your evil actions. Remember the wrongs you
did his father, and make all the satisfaction in your power before
it be too late. The least thing you can do is to settle his father's
portion on him" The young ladies, who thought themselves too much
concerned to contain themselves any longer, set up their throats
all together against my protector--"Scurvy companion--saucy
tarpaulin--rude, impertinent fellow, did he think to prescribe
to grandpapa? His sister's brat had been too well taken care of.
Grandpapa was too just not make a difference between an unnatural,
rebellious son and his dutiful, loving children, who took his
advice in all things;" and such expressions were vented against him
with great violence; until the judge at length commanded silence.
He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which he
said he would excuse on account of his education: he told him he
had been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept at school seven or
eight years, although he was informed he made no progress in his
learning but was addicted to all manner of vice, which he rather
believed, because he himself was witness to a barbarous piece of
mischief he had committed on the jaws of his chaplain. But, however,
he would see what the lad was fit for, and bind him apprentice to
some honest tradesman or other, provided he would mend his manners,
and behave for the future as became him." The honest tar (whose
pride and indignation boiled within him) answered my grandfather,
that it was true he had sent him to school, but it had cost him
nothing, for he had never been at one shilling expense to furnish
him with food, raiment, books, or other necessaries; so that it
was not much to be wondered at, if the boy made small progress; and
yet whoever told him so was a lying, lubberly rascal, and deserved
to be keel-haul'd; for thof he (the lieutenant) did not understand
those matters himself, he was well informed as how Rory was the
best scholar of his age in all the country; the truth of which he
would maintain, by laying a wager of his whole half-year's pay
on the boy's head--with these words he pulled out his purse, and
challenged the company: "Neither is he predicted to vice, as you
affirm, but rather, left like a wreck, d'ye see, at the mercy of
the wind and weather, by your neglect, old gentleman. As for what
happened to your chaplain, I am only sorry that he did not knock
out the scoundrel's brains instead of his teeth. By the Lord, if
ever I come up with him, he had better be in Greenland, that's all.
Thank you for your courteous offer of binding the lad apprentice to
a tradesman. I suppose you would make a tailor of him--would you?
I had rather see him hang'd, d'ye see. Come along, Rory, I perceive
how the land lies, my boy--let's tack about, i'faith--while I have
a shilling you shan't want a tester. B'we, old gentleman; you're
bound for the other world, but I believe damnably ill-provided for
the voyage." Thus ended our visit; and we returned to the village,
my uncle muttering curses all the way against the old shark and
the young fry that surrounded him.





CHAPTER IV




My Grandfather makes his Will--our second Visit--he Dies--his Will
is read in Presence of all his living Descendants--the Disappointment
of my female Cousins--my Uncle's Behaviour


A few weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old
judge, at the end of a fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three
days, had sent for a notary and made his will; that the distemper
had mounted from his legs to his stomach, and, being conscious
of his approaching end, be had desired to see all his descendants
without exception. In obedience to this summons, my uncle set
out with me a second time, to receive the last benediction of my
grandfather: often repeating by the road, "Ey, ey, we have brought
up the old hulk at last. You shall see--you shall see the effect
of my admonition," When we entered his chamber, which was crowded
with his relations, we advanced to the bedside, where we found him
in his last agonies, supported by two of his granddaughters, who
sat on each side of him, sobbing most piteously, and wiping away the
froth and slaver as it gathered on his lips, which they frequently
kissed with a show of great anguish and affection. My uncle
approached him with these words, "What! he's not a-weigh. How fare
ye? how fare ye, old gentleman? Lord have mercy upon your poor
sinful soul!" Upon which, the dying man turned his languid eyes
towards us, and Mr. Bowling went on--"Here's poor Roy come to see
you before you die, and to receive your blessing. What, man! don't
despair, you have been a great sinner, 'tis true,--what then?  There's
a righteous judge above, an't there? He minds me no more than a
porpoise. Yes, yes, he's a-going; the land crabs will have him, I
see that! his anchor's a-peak, i'faith." This homely consolation
scandalised the company so much, and especially the parson, who
probably thought his province invaded, that we were obliged to retire
into another room, where, in a few minutes, we were convinced of
my grandfather's decease, by a dismal yell uttered by the young
ladies in his apartment; whither we immediately hastened, and found
his heir, who had retired a little before into a closet, under
pretence of giving vent to his sorrow, asking, with a countenance
beslubbered with tears, if his grandpapa was certainly dead? "Dead!"
(says my uncle, looking, at the body) "ay, ay, I'll warrant him
as dead as a herring. Odd's fish! now my dream is out for all the
world. I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and saw a parcel of
carrion crows foul of a dead shark: that floated alongside, and the
devil perching upon our spritsail yard, in the likeness of a blue
bear--who, d'ye see jumped overboard upon the carcass and carried
it to the bottom in his claws." "Out upon thee, reprobate" cries
the parson "out upon thee, blasphemous wretch! Dost thou think his
honour's soul is in the possession of Satan?" The clamour immediately
arose, and my poor uncle, being, shouldered from one corner of
the room to the other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence,
and swear he would turn out for no man, till such time as he knew
who had the title to send him adrift. "None of your tricks upon
travellers," said he; "mayhap old Bluff has left my kinsman here
his heir: if he has, it will be the better for his miserable soul.
Odds bob! I'd desire no better news. I'd soon make him a clear
shin, I warrant you." To avoid any further disturbance, one of my
grandfather's executors, who was present, assured Mr. Bowling, that
his nephew should have all manner of justice; that a day should
be appointed after the funeral for examining the papers of the
deceased, in presence of all his relations; till which time every
desk and cabinet in the house should remain close sealed; and
that he was very welcome to be witness to this ceremony, which was
immediately performed to his satisfaction. In the meantime, orders
were given to provide mourning for all the relations, in which
number I was included; but my uncle would not suffer me to accept
of it, until I should be assured whether or no I had reason to
honour his memory so far. During this interval, the conjectures of
people, with regard to the old gentleman's will, were various: as
it was well known, he had, besides his landed estate, which was
worth 700 per annum, six or seven thousand pounds at interest,
some imagined that the whole real estate (which he had greatly
improved) would go to the young man whom he always entertained as
his heir; and that the money would be equally divided between my
female cousins (five in number) and me. Others were of opinion,
that, as the rest of the children had been already provided for,
he would only bequeath two or three hundred pounds to each of his
granddaughters, and leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for
his unnatural usage of my father. At length the important hour
arrived, and the will was produced in the midst of the expectants,
whose looks and gestures formed a group that would have been very
entertaining to an unconcerned spectator. But, the reader can
scarce conceive the astonishment and mortification that appeared,
when an attorney pronounced aloud, the young squire sole heir of
all his grandfather's estate, personal and real. My uncle, who had
listened with great attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all
the while, accompanied these words of the attorney with a stare,
and whew, that alarmed the whole assembly. The eldest and pertest
of my female competitors, who had been always very officious about
my grandfather's person, inquired, with a faltering accent and
visage as yellow as an orange, "if there were no legacies?" and
was answered, "None at all." Upon which she fainted away. The rest,
whose expectations, perhaps, were not so sanguine, supported their
disappointment with more resolution, though not without giving
evident marks of indignation, and grief at least as genuine as that
which appeared in them at the old gentleman's death. My conductor,
after having kicked with his heel for some time against the wainscot,
began: "So there's no legacy, friend, ha!--here's an old succubus;
but somebody's soul howls for it, d--n me!" The parson of the parish,
who was one of the executors, and had acted as ghostly director to
the old man, no sooner heard this exclamation than he cried out,
"Avaunt, unchristian reviler! avaunt! wilt thou not allow the soul
of his honour to rest in peace?" But this zealous pastor did not
find himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the young ladies,
who now joined my uncle against him, and accused him of having
acted the part of a busybody with their grandpapa whose ears he
had certainly abused by false stories to their prejudice, or else
he would not have neglected them in such an unnatural manner.
The young squire was much diverted with this scene, and whispered
to my uncle, that if he had not murdered his dogs, he would have
shown him glorious fun, by hunting a black badger (so he termed
the clergyman). The surly lieutenant, who was not in a humour to
relish this amusement, replied, "You and your dogs may be damn'd.
I suppose you'll find them with your old dad, in the latitude of
hell. Come, Rory,--about ship, my lad, we must steer another course,
I think." And away we went.




CHAPTER V




The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously--I form a Project of Revenge,
in which I am assisted by my Uncle--I leave the Village--am settled
at a University by his Generosity


On our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during
the space of a whole hour, but whistled with great vehemence the
tune of "Why should we quarrel for riches," etc. his visage being
contracted all the while into a most formidable frown. At length
his pace increased to such a degree that I was left behind a
considerable way: then he waited for me; and when I was almost up
with him, called out in a surly tone, "Bear a hand, damme! must
I bring to every minute for you, you lazy dog." Then, laying hold
of me by the arm, hauled me along, until his good nature (of which
he had a great share) and reflection getting the better of his
he said, "Come, my boy, don't be cast down,--the old rascal is in
hell, that's some satisfaction; you shall go to sea with me, my lad.
A light heart and a thin pair of breeches goes through the world,
brave boys, as the song goes--eh!" Though this proposal did not at
all suit my inclination, I was afraid of discovering my aversion
to it, lest I should disoblige the only friend I had in the world;
and he was so much a seaman that he never dreamt I could have had
any objection to his design; consequently gave himself no trouble
in consulting my approbation. But this resolution was soon dropped,
by the device of our usher, who assured Mr. Bowling, it would be
a thousand pities to balk my genius, which would certainly one day
make my fortune on shore, provided it received due cultivation.
Upon which, this generous tar determined (though he could ill afford
it) to give me university education; and accordingly settled my
board and other expenses, at a town not many miles distant, famous
for its colleges, whither we repaired in a short time. But, before
the day of our departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the
fear of my grandfather before his eyes, laid aside all decency
and restraint, and not only abused me in the grossest language
his rancour could suggest, as a wicked, proffigate, dull, beggarly
miscreant, whom he had taught out of charity; but also inveighed
in the most bitter manner against the memory of the judge (who by
the by had procured that settlement for him), hinting, in pretty
plain terms, that the old gentleman's soul was damned to all
eternity for his injustice in neglecting to pay for my learning.
This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly
undergone made me think it high time to be revenged on this insolent
pedagogue. Having consulted my adherents, I found them all staunch
in their promises to stand by me; and our scheme was this:--In the
afternoon preceding to the day of our departure for the University,
I resolved to take the advantage of the usher's going out to make
water (which he regularly did at four o'clock), and shut the great
door, that he might not come to the assistance of his superior.
This being done, the assault was to be begun by my advancing to my
master and spitting in his face. I was to be seconded by two of
the strongest boys in the school, who were devoted to me; their
business was to join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench, over
which he was to be laid, and his bare posteriors heartily flogged,
with his own birch, which we proposed to wrest from him in his
struggle; but if we should find him too many for us all three, we
were to demand the assistance of our competitors, who should be
ready to enforce us, or oppose anything that might be undertaken
for the master's relief. One of my principal assistants was called
Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood;
and the name of the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a family which
had given shoemakers to the village time out of mind. I had once
saved Gawky's life, by plunging into a river and dragging him
on shore, when he was on the point of being drowned. I had often
rescued him from the clutches of those whom his insufferable
arrogance had provoked to a resentment he was not able to sustain;
and many times saved his reputation and posteriors, by performing
his exercises at school; so that it is not to be wondered at, if
he had a particular regard for me and my interests.  The attachment
of Strap flowed from a voluntary, disinterested inclination, which
had manifested itself on many occasions in my behalf, he having once
rendered me the same service that I had rendered Gawky, by saving
my life at the risk of his own; and often fathered offences that I
had committed, for which he suffered severely, rather than I should
feel the weight of the punishment.  These two champions were the
more willing to engage in this enterprise, because they intended
to leave the school next day, as well as I; the first being ordered
by his father to return into the country, and the other being bound
apprentice to his barber, at a market town not far off.

In the meantime, my uncle, being informed of my master's behaviour
to me, was enraged at his insolence, and vowed revenge so heartily
that I could not refrain from telling him the scheme I had concerted,
while he heard with great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting
out a mouthful of spittle, tinctured with tobacco, of which he
constantly chewed a large quid. At last, pulling up his breeches,
he cried, "No, no, z--ds! that won't do neither; howsoever, 'tis
a bold undertaking, my lad, that I must say, i'faith; but lookee,
lookee, how do you propose to get clear off--won't the enemy give
chase, my boy?--ay, ay, that he will, I warrant, and alarm the whole
coast; ah! God help thee, more sail than ballast, Rory. Let me alone
for that--leave the whole to me.  I'll show him the foretopsail,
I will. If so be your shipmates are jolly boys, and won't flinch,
you shall see, yon shall see; egad, I'll play him such a salt-water
trick I'll bring him to the gangway. and anoint him with a
cat-and-nine-tails; he shall have a round dozen doubled, my lad, he
shall--and be left lashed to his meditations." We were very proud
of our associate, who immediately went to work, and prepared the
instrument of his revenge with great skill and expedition; after
which, he ordered our baggage to be packed up and sent off, a day
before our attempt, and got horses ready to be mounted, as soon as
the affair should be over.  At length the hour arrived, when our
auxiliary, seizing the opportunity of the usher's absence, bolted
in, secured the door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by
his collar who bawled out, "Murder, Thieves." with the voice of
a Stentor. Though I trembled all over like an aspen leaf, I knew
there was no time to be lost, and accordingly got up, and summoned
our associates to our assistance. Strap, without any hesitation,
obeyed the signal, and seeing me leap upon the master's back, ran
immediately to one of his legs, which pulling with all his force,
this dreadful adversary was humbled to the ground; upon which Gawky,
who had hitherto remained in his place, under the influence of a
universal trepidation, hastened to the scene of action, and insulted
the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which the whole school
joined.  The noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself shut
out, endeavoured, partly by threats and partly by entreaties, to
procure admission. My uncle bade him have a little patience, and he
would let him in presently; but if he pretended to stir from that
place, it should fare the worse with the son of a bitch his superior,
on whom he intended only to bestow a little wholesome chastisement,
for his barbarous usage of Rory, "to which," said he, "you are
no stranger." By this time we had dragged the criminal to a post,
to which Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on purpose;
after having secured his hands and stripped his back. In this
ludicrous posture he stood (to the no small entertainment of the
boys, who crowded about him, and shouted with great exultation
at the novelty of the sight), venting bitter imprecations against
the lieutenant, and reproaching his scholars with treachery and
rebellion; when the usher was admitted, whom my uncle accosted in
this manner: "Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe you are an honest man,
d'ye see--and I have a respect for you--but for all that, we must,
for our own security, d'ye see, belay you for a short time." With
these words, he pulled out some fathoms of cord, which the honest
man no sooner saw than he protested with great earnestness he would
allow no violence to be offered to him, at the same time accusing
me of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling representing that it
was in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to use him with
violence and indecency, but only to hinder him from raising the
hue and cry against us before we should be out of their power,
he allowed himself to be bound to his own desk, where he sat a
spectator of the punishment inflicted on his principal. My uncle,
having upbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to me,
told him, that he proposed to give him a little discipline for the
good of his soul, which he immediately put in practice, with great
vigour and dexterity. This smart application to the pedant's withered
posteriors gave him such exquisite pain that he roared like a mad
bull, danced, cursed, and blasphemed, like a frantic bedlamite.
When the lieutenant thought himself sufficiently revenged, he took
his leave of him in these words: "Now, friend, you'll remember me
the longest day you have to live; I have given you a lesson that
will let you know what flogging is, and teach you to have more
sympathy for the future. Shout, boys, shout!"

This ceremony was no sooner over than my uncle proposed they
should quit the school, and convey their old comrade Rory to the
public-house, about a mile from the village, where he would treat
them all. His offer being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself
to Mr. Syntax, and begged him to accompany us; but this invitation
he refused with great disdain, telling my benefactor he was not the
man he took him to be. "Well, well, old surly," replied my uncle,
shaking his hand, "thou art an honest fellow notwithstanding; and
if ever I have the command of a ship, thou shalt be our schoolmaster,
i'faith." So saying he dismissed the boys, and locking the door,
left the two preceptors to console one another; while we moved
forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous retinue, whom he
treated according to his promise.

We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the
road, about ten miles short of the town where I was to remain, at
which we arrived next day, and I found I had no cause to complain
of the accommodations provided for me, in being boarded at the
house of an apothecary, who had married a distant relation of my
mother. In a few days after, my uncle set out for his ship, having
settled the necessary funds for my maintenance and education.





CHAPTER VI




I make great progress in my Studies--am caressed by Everybody--my
female Cousins take notice of me-I reject their Invitation-they are
incensed, and conspire against me-am left destitute by a Misfortune
that befalls my Uncle-Gawky's Treachery-my Revenge


As I was now capable of reflection, I began to consider my precarious
situation; that I was utterly abandoned by those whose duty it was
to protect me: and that my sole dependence was on the generosity
of one man, who was not only exposed by his profession to continual
dangers, which might one day deprive me of him for ever; but also
(no doubt) subject to those vicissitudes of disposition which a
change of fortune usually creates, or which a better acquaintance
with the world might produce; for I always ascribed his benevolence
to the dictates of a heart as yet undebauched by a commerce with
mankind. Alarmed at these considerations, I resolved to apply
myself with great care to my studies, and enjoy the opportunity in
my power: this I did with such success that, in the space of three
years, I understood Greek very well, was pretty far advanced in
the mathematics, and no stranger to moral and natural philosophy:
logic I made no account of; but, above all things, I valued myself
on my taste in the belles lettres, and a talent for poetry, which
had already produced some pieces that had met with a favourable
reception.  These qualifications, added to a good face and shape,
acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the most considerable people
in town, and I had the satisfaction to find myself in some degree
of favour with the ladies; an intoxicating piece of good fortune
to one of my amorous complexion! which I obtained, or at least
preserved, by gratifying their propensity to scandal, in lampooning
their rivals.

Two of my female cousins lived in this place, with their mother,
since the death of their father, who left his whole fortune equally
divided between them; so that, if they were not the most beautiful,
they were at least the richest toasts in town; and received daily
the addresses of all the beaux and cavaliers of the country. Although
I had hitherto been looked upon by them with the most supercilious
contempt, my character now attracted their notice so much that I
was given to understand I might be honoured with their acquaintance,
if I pleased.

The reader will easily perceive that this condescension either
flowed from the hope of making my poetical capacity subservient
to their malice, or at least of screening themselves from the lash
of my resentment, which they had effectually provoked. I enjoyed
this triumph with great satisfaction, and not only rejected their
offer with disdain, but in all my performances, whether satire or
panegyric, industriously avoided mentioning their names, even while
I celebrated those of their intimates: this neglect mortified their
pride exceedingly and incensed them to such a degree that they were
resolved to make me repent of my indifference. The first stroke of
their revenge consisted in their hiring a poor collegian to write
verses against me, the subject of which was my own poverty, and
the catastrophe of my unhappy parents; but, besides the badness of
the composition (of which they themselves were ashamed), they did
not find their account in endeavouring to reproach me with those
misfortunes which they and their relations had brought upon me;
and which consequently reflected much more dishonour on themselves
than on me, who was the innocent victim of their barbarity and
avarice.

Finding this plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young
gentleman against me, by telling him I had lampooned his mistress;
and so effectually succeeded in the quality of incendiaries that
this enraged lover determined to seize me next night as I returned
to my lodgings from a friend's house that I frequented: with this
view, he waited in the street, attended by two of his companions,
to whom he had imparted his design of carrying me down to the river,
in which proposed to have me heartily ducked, notwithstanding the
severity of the weather, it being then about the middle of December.
But this stratagem did not succeed; for, being apprised of their
ambush, I got home another way, and by the help of my landlord's
apprentice, discharged a volley from the garret window, which did
great execution upon them, and next day occasioned so much mirth
at their expense that they found themselves under a necessity of
leaving the town, until the adventure should be entirely forgotten.

My cousins (though twice baffled in their expectation) did not,
however, desist from persecuting me, who had now enraged them beyond
a possibility of forgiveness by detecting their malice and preventing
its effects: neither should I have found them more humane, had I
patiently submitted to their rancour, and borne without murmuring
the rigour of their unreasonable hate; for I have found by experience,
that though small favours may be acknowledged and slight injuries
atoned, there is no wretch so ungrateful as he whom you have most
generously obliged, and no enemy so implacable as those who have done
you the greatest wrong.  These good-natured creatures, therefore,
had recourse to a scheme which conspired with a piece of bad news
I soon after received, to give them all the satisfaction they desired:
this plan was to debauch the faith of my companion and confidant,
who betrayed the trust I reposed in him, by imparting to them the
particulars of my small amours, which they published with such
exaggerations that I suffered very much in the opinion of everybody,
and was utterly discarded by the dear creatures whose names had
been called in question.

While I was busy in tracing out the author of this treachery, that
I might not only be revenged on him, but also vindicate my character
to my friends, I one day perceived the looks of my landlady much
altered, when I went home to my dinner, and inquiring into the
cause, she screwed up her mouth, and fixed her eyes on the ground,
told me her husband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, with
one inclosed for me. She was very sorry for what had happened, both
for my sake and his own--people should be more cautious of their
conduct--she was always afraid his brutal behaviour would bring
him into some misfortune or other. As for her part, she should be
very ready to befriend me; but she had a small family of her own
to maintain. The world would do nothing for her if she should come
to want--charity begins at home: she wished I had been bound to
some substantial handicraft, such as a weaver or a shoemaker, rather
than loiter away my time in learning foolish nonsense, that would
never bring me in a penny but some folks are wise, and some are
otherwise.

I was listening to this mysterious discourse with great amazement,
when her husband entered, and, without speaking a syllable, put
both the letters into my hand. I received them trembling, and read
what follows:


    'To Mr. Roger Potion
    'Sir,
    'This is to let you know that I have quitted the Thunder
    man of war, being obliged to sheer off for killing my
    captain, which I did fairly on the beach, at Cape
    Tiberoon, in the Island of Hispaniola; having received
    his fire and returned it, which went through his body:
    and I would serve the best man so that ever stepped
    between stem and stern, if so be that he struck me, as
    Captain Oakum did. I am (thank God) safe among the
    French, who are very civil, thof I don't understand
    their lingo; and I hope to be restored in a little time,
    for all the great friends and parliamentary interest of
    the captain, for I have sent over to my landlord in Deal
    an account of the whole affair, with our bearings and
    distances while we were engaged, whereby I have desired
    him to lay it before his majesty, who (God bless him)
    will not suffer an honest tar to be wronged. My love to
    your spouse, and am your loving friend and servant to
    command, while
                             'Thomas Bowling,'


    'To Roderick Random

    'Dear Rory,
    'Don't be grieved at my misfortune, but mind your book,
    my lad. I have got no money to send you, but what of
    that? Mr. Potion will take care of you for the love he
    bears to me, and let you want for nothing; and it shall
    go hard but I will see him one day repaid. No more at
    present, but rests
         'Your dutiful uncle
           'and servant, till death,
             'Thomas Bowling.'


This letter (which, with the other, was dated from Port Lonis, in
Hispaniola) I had no sooner read than the apothecary, shaking his
head, began: "I have a very great regard for Mr. Bowling that's
certain; and could be well content--but times are very hard.  There's
no such thing as money to be got; I believe 'tis all vanished under
ground, for my part. Besides, I have been out of pocket already,
having entertained you since the beginning of this month, without
receiving a sixpence, and God knows if ever I shall; for I believe
it will go hard with your uncle. And more than that, I was thinking
of giving you warning, for I want your apartment for a new prentice,
whom I expect from the country every hour. So I desire you will
this week provide yourself with another lodging."

The indignation which this harangue inspired gave me spirits to
support my reverse of fortune, and to tell him I despised his mean
selfish disposition so much that I would rather starve than be
beholden to him for one single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket
money, I paid him to the last farthing of what I owed, and assured
him, I would not sleep another night under his roof.

This said, I sallied out in a transport of rage and sorrow,
without knowing whither to fly for shelter, having not one friend
in the world capable of relieving me, and only three shillings in
my purse. After giving way for a few minutes to the dictates of my
rage, I went and hired a small bedroom, at the rate of one shilling
and sixpence per week, which I was obliged to pay per advance,
before the landlord would receive me: thither I removed my luggage;
and next morning got up, with a view of craving the advice and
assistance of a person who had on all occasions loaded me with
caresses and made frequent offers of friendship, while I was under
no necessity of accepting them. He received me with his wonted
affability, and insisted on my breakfasting with him, a favour
which I did not think fit to refuse. But when I communicated the
occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted that I concluded
him wonderfully affected with the misery of my condition and looked
upon him as a man of the most extensive sympathy and benevolence.
He did not leave me long under this mistake; for, recovering himself
from his confusion, he told me he was grieved at my misfortune, and
desired to know what had passed between my landlord, Mr. Potion,
and me. Whereupon I recounted the conversation; and, when I repeated
the answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard to
my leaving his house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and
exclaimed, "Is it possible you could behave so ill to the man who
had treated you so kindly all along?"

My surprise at hearing this was not at all affected, whatever his
might be; and I gave to understand with some warmth, that I did not
imagine he would so unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel
who ought to be expelled from every social community. This heat
of mine gave him all the advantage he desired over me, and our
discourse, after much altercation, concluded in his desiring never
to see me again in that place; to which desire I yielded my consent,
assuring him, that, had I been as well acquainted with his principles
formerly as I was now, he never should have had an opportunity of
making that request. And thus we parted.

On my return, I met my comrade, Squire Gawky, whom his father
had sent, some time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing,
dancing, fencing, and other modish qualifications. As I had lived
with him since his arrival on the footing of our old intimacy, I
made no scruple of informing him of the lowness of my circumstances,
and asking a small supply of money, to answer my present expense;
upon which he pulled out a handful of halfpence with a shilling or
two among them, and swore that was all he had to keep his pocket
till next quarter-day he having lost the greatest part of his
allowance the night before at billiards. Though this assertion might
very well be true, I was extremely mortified at his indifference:
for he neither expressed any sympathy for my mishap nor desire of
alleviating my distress; and accordingly I left him without uttering
one word: but, when I afterwards understood that he was the person
who had formerly betrayed me to the malice of my cousins, to whom
likewise he had carried the tidings of my forlorn situation, which
afforded them great matter of triumph and exultation, I determined
with myself to call him to a severe account for which purpose I
borrowed a sword, and wrote a challenge, desiring him to meet me
at a certain time and place, that I might have an opportunity of
punishing his perfidy, at the expense of his blood. He accepted the
invitation, and I betook myself to the field, though not without
feeling considerable repugnance to the combat, which frequently
attacked me in cold sweats by the way; but the desire of revenge,
the shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, conspired to repel
these unmanly symptoms of fear; and I appeared on the plain with a
good grace: there I waited an hour beyond the time appointed, and
was not ill pleased to find he had no mind to meet me, because I
should have an opportunity of exposing his cowardice, displaying
my own courage, and of beating him soundly wheresoever I should
find, without any dread of the consequence.

Elevated with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts
of my deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky's lodgings,
where I was informed of his precipitate retreat, he having set
out for the country in less than an hour after he had received my
billet; and I was vain enough to have the whole story inserted in
the news, although I was fain to sell a gold laced hat to my landlord
for less than half-price, to defray the expenses and contribute to
my subsistence.





CHAPTER VII




I am entertained by Mr. Crab--a description of him--I acquire
the Art of Surgery--consult Crab's Disposition--become necessary
to him--an Accident happens--he advises me to launch out into the
world--assists me with Money-I set out for London


The fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity
of my success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme
want, and avoided by mankind as a creature of a different species,
or rather as a solitary being, noways comprehended within the scheme
or protection of Providence. My despair had rendered me almost
quite stupified, when I was one day told, that a gentleman desired
to see me at a certain public-house, whither immediately I repaired;
and was introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon in town,
who was engaged with two more in drinking a liquor called pop-in,
composed by mixing a quartern of brandy with a quart of small beer.
Before I relate the occasion of this message, I believe it will
not be disagreeable to the reader, if I describe the gentleman who
sent for me, and mention some circumstances of his character and
conduct which may illustrate what follows, and account for his
behaviour to me.

This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five feet high,
and ten round the belly; his face was as capacious as a full moon,
and much of the complexion of a mulberry: his nose, resembling a
powder-horn, was swelled to an enormous size, and studded all over
with carbuncles; and his little gray eyes reflected the rays in
such an oblique manner that, while he looked a person full in the
face, one would have imagined he was admiring the buckle of his
shoe. He had long entertained an implacable resentment against
Potion, who, though a younger practitioner, was better employed
than he, and once had the assurance to perform a cure, whereby he
disappointed and disgraced the prognostic of the said Crab. This
quarrel which was at one time upon the point of being made up, by
the interposition and mediation of friends, had been lately inflamed
beyond a possibility of reconciliation by the respective wives of
the opponents, who, chancing to meet at a christening, disagreed
about precedence, proceeded from invectives to blows, and were
with great difficulty, by the gossips, prevented from converting
the occasion of joy into a scene of lamentation.

The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour,
when I received the message of Crab, who received me as civilly
as I could have expected from one of his disposition; and, after
desiring me to sit, inquired into the particulars of my leaving the
house of Potion; which when I had related, he said, with a malicious
grin, "There's a sneaking dog! I always thought him a fellow without
a soul, d--n me, a canting scoundrel, who has crept into business
by his hypocrisy, and kissing the a--e of every body."--"Ay, ay,"
says another, "one might see with half an eye that the rascal has
no honesty in him, by his going so regularly to church."

This sentence was confirmed by a third, who assured his companions
that Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at
a meeting of the godly, where he had distinguished himself by an
extempore prayer an hour long. After this preamble, Crab addressed
himself to me in these words: "Well, my lad, I have heard a good
character of you, and I'll do for you. You may send your things to
my house when you please. I have given orders for your reception.
Zounds! What does the booby stare at? If you have no mind to embrace
my courteous offer, you may let it alone, and be d--d." I answered
with a submissive bow, that I was far from rejecting his friendly
offer, which I would immediately accept, as soon as he should
inform me on what footing I was to be entertained. "What footing!
D--n my blood," cried he, "d'ye expect to have a footman and a couple
of horses kept for you?" "No, sir," I replied, "my expectations
are not quite so sanguine. That I may be as little burthensome as
possible, I would willingly serve in your shop, by which means I
may save you the expense of a journeyman, or porter at least, for
I understand a little pharmacy, having employed some of my leisure
hours in the practice of that art, while I lived with Mr. Potion;
neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have studied
with great pleasure and application."--"Oho! you did," says Crab.
"Gentlemen, here is a complete artist! Studied surgery!  What? in
books, I suppose. I shall have you disputing with me one of these
days on points of my profession. You can already account for
muscular motion, I warrant, and explain the mystery of the brain
and nerves--ha! You are too learned for me, d--n me. But let's have
no more of this stuff. Can you blood and give a clyster, spread a
plaster, and prepare a potion?" Upon my answering in the affirmative,
he shock his head, telling me, he believed he should have little
good of me, for all my promises; but, however, he would take me in
for the sake of charity. I was accordingly that very night admitted
to his house, and had an apartment assigned to me in the garret,
which I was fain to put up with, notwithstanding the mortification
my pride suffered in this change of circumstances.

I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to
receive me in this manner; for, besides the gratification of his
revenge, by exposing the selfishness of his antagonist, in opposition
to his own generosity, which was all affectation, he had occasion
for a young man who understood something of the profession, to fill
up the place of his eldest apprentice, lately dead, not without
violent suspicion of foul play from his master's brutality. The
knowledge of this circumstance, together with his daily behaviour
to his wife and the young apprentice, did not at all contribute
to my enjoying my new situation with ease; however, as I did not
perceive how I could bestow myself to better advantage, I resolved
to study Crab's temper with all the application, and manage it with
all the address in my power. And it was not long before I found
out a strange peculiarity of humour which governed his behaviour
towards all his dependents. I observed, when he was pleased, he was
such a niggard of his satisfaction that, if his wife or servants
betrayed the least symptom of participation, he was offended to
an insupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects of which
they seldom failed to feel. And when his indignation was roused,
submission and soothing always exasperated it beyond the bounds of
reason and humanity. I therefore pursued a contrary plan; and one
day, when he honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp and lazy
ragamuffin, I boldly replied, I was neither ignorant nor lazy,
since I both understood and performed my business as well as he
could do for his soul; neither was it just to call me ragamuffin,
for I had a whole coat on my back, and was descended from a better
family than any he could boast an alliance with.

He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine,
and shook his cane over my head, regarding me all the time with a
countenance truly diabolical. Although I was terribly startled at
his menacing looks and posture, I yet had reflection enough left
to convince me I had gone too far to retract, and that this was
the critical minute which must decide my future lot in his service;
I therefore snatched up the pestle of a mortar, and swore, if
he offered to strike me without a cause, I should see whether his
skull or my weapon was hardest.

He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into
these ejaculations: "This is fine usage from a servant to his
master--very fine! damnation! but no matter, you shall pay for
this, you dog, you shall; I'II do your business--yes, yes, I'll
teach you to lift your hand against me." So saying, he retired,
and left me under dreadful apprehensions, which vanished entirely
at our next meeting, when he behaved with unusual complacency, and
treated me with a glass of punch after dinner.

By this conduct I got the ascendancy over him in a short time, and
became so necessary to him, in managing his business while he was
engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect;
and I consoled myself for the disregard of my former acquaintance,
with the knowledge I daily imbibed by a close application to the duties
of my employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own expectation.
I was on very good terms with my master's wife, whose esteem I
acquired and cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most
ridiculous lights my satirical talents could invent, as well as by
rendering her some Christian offices, when she had been too familiar
with the dram bottle, to which she had oftentimes recourse for
consolation, under the affliction she suffered from a barbarous
husband.

In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my
uncle for the space of two years, during which time I kept little
or no company, being neither in a humour to relish nor in a capacity
to maintain much acquaintance; for the Nabal my master allowed me
no wages, and the small perquisites of my station scarcely supplied
me with the common necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert
unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and elevated with
the extravagance of hope: my misfortunes had taught me how little
the caresses of the world, during a man's prosperity, are to be
valued by him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to set
about making himself independent of them. My present appearance,
therefore, was the least of my care, which was wholly engrossed in
laying up a stock of instruction that might secure me against the
caprice of fortune for the future. I became such a sloven, and
contracted such an air of austerity, that everybody pronounced me
crestfallen; and Gawky returned to town without running any risk
from my resentment, which was by this time pretty much cooled, and
restrained by prudential reasons so effectually that I never so
much as thought of obtaining satisfaction for the injuries be had
done me.

When I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business I began to
cast about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope
of finding some provision that might make amends for the difficulties I
had undergone; but, as this could not be effected without a small
sum of money to equip me for the field, I was in the utmost perplexity
how to raise it, well knowing that Crab, for his own sake, would
never put me in a condition to leave him, when his interest was
so much concerned in my stay. But a small accident, which happened
about this time, determined him in my favour. This was no other
than the pregnancy of his maidservant, who declared her situation
to me, assuring me at the same time that I was the occasion of it.

Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation,
I was not ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between
her master and her, taking the advantage of which I represented
to her the folly of laying the burden at my door, when she might
dispose of it to much better purpose with Mr. Crab. She listened to
my advice, and next day acquainted him with the pretended success
of their mutual endeavours. He was far from being overjoyed at this
proof of his vigour, which he foresaw might have very troublesome
consequences; not that he dreaded any domestic grumblings and
reproaches from his wife, whom he kept in perfect subjection; but
because he knew it would furnish his rival Potion with a handle for
insulting and undermining his reputation, there being no scandal
equal to that of uncleanness, in the opinion of those who inhabit
the part of the island where he lived. He therefore took a resolution
worthy of himself, which was, to persuade the girl that she was
not with child, but only afflicted with a disorder incidental to
young women, which he could easily remove: with this view (as he
pretended) he prescribed for her such medicines as he thought would
infallibly procure abortion; but in this scheme he was disappointed,
for the maid, being advertised by me of his design, and at the same
time well acquainted with her own condition, absolutely refused to
follow his directions; and threatened to publish her situation to
the world if he would not immediately take some method of providing
for the important occasion, which she expected in a few months. It
was not long before I guessed the result of his deliberation, by
his addressing himself to me one day in this manner: "I am surprised
that a young fellow like you discovers no inclination to push his
fortune in the world. Before I was of your age I was broiling on
the coast of Guinea. D--e! what's to hinder you from profiting by
the war which will certainly be declared in a short time against
Spain? You may easily get on board of a king's ship in quality
of surgeon's mate, where you will certainly see a great deal of
practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize-money."

I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long wished for, and
assured him I would follow his advice with pleasure, if it were in
my power; but that it was impossible for me to embrace an opportunity
of that kind, as I had no friend to advance a little money to supply
me with what necessaries I should want, and defray the expenses of my
journey to London. He told me that few necessaries were required;
and, as for the expense of my journey, he would lend me money, sufficient
not only for that purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in
London until I should procure a warrant for my provision on board
of some ship.

I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was
very well apprised of his motive, which was no other than a design
to lay the bastard to my charge after my departure), and accordingly
set out in a few weeks for London; my whole fortune consisting of
one suit of clothes, half a dozen ruffled shirts, as many plain,
two pair of worsted and a like number of threaded stockings; a
case of pocket instruments, a small edition of Horace, Wiseman's
Surgery, and ten guineas in cash; for which Crab took my bond,
bearing five per cent interest; at the same time giving me a letter
to a member of parliament for our town, which he said would do my
business effectually.





CHAPTER VIII




I arrive at Newcastle--meet with my old Schoolfellow Strap--we
determine to walk together to London--set out on our Journey--put
up at a solitary Alehouse--are disturbed by a strange Adventure in
the Night


There is no such convenience as a waggon in this country, and my
finances were too weak to support the expense of hiring a horse:
I determined therefore to set out with the carriers, who transport
goods from one place to another on horseback; and this scheme
I accordingly put in execution on the 1st day of September, 1739,
sitting upon a pack-saddle between two baskets, one of which
contained my goods in a knapsack. But by the time we arrived
at Newcastle-upon-Tyne I was so fatigued with the tediousness of
the carriage, and benumbed with the coldness of the weather, that
I resolved to travel the rest of my journey on foot, rather than
proceed in such a disagreeable manner.

The ostler of the inn at which we put up, understanding I was bound
for London, advised me to take my passage in a collier which would
be both cheap and expeditious and withal much easier than to walk
upwards of three hundred miles through deep roads in the winter time,
a journey which he believed I had not strength enough to perform.
I was almost persuaded to take his advice, when one day, stepping
into a barber's shop to be shaved, the young man, while he lathered
my face, accosted me thus: "Sir, I presume you are a Scotchman."
I answered in the affirmative. "Pray," continued he, "from what
part of Scotland?" I no sooner told him, than he discovered great
emotion, and not confining his operation to my chin and upper lip,
besmeared my whole face with great agitation. I was so offended at
this profusion that starting up, I asked him what the d--l he meant
by using me so? He begged pardon, telling me his joy at meeting
with a countryman had occasioned some confusion in him, and craved
my name. But, when I declared my name was Random, he exclaimed
in rapture, "How! Rory Random?" "The same," I replied, looking at
him with astonishment. "What!" cried he, "don't you know your old
schoolfellow, Hugh Strap?"

At that instant recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and
in the transport of my joy, gave him back one-half of the suds he
had so lavishly bestowed on my countenance; so that we made a very
ludicrous appearance, and furnished a great deal of mirth for his
master and shopmates, who were witnesses of this scene. When our
mutual caresses were over I sat down again to be shaved, but the poor
fellow's nerves were so discomposed by this unexpected meeting that
his hand could scarcely hold the razor, with which, nevertheless,
he found means to cut me in three places in as many strokes. His
master, perceiving his disorder, bade another supply his place,
and after the operation was performed, gave Strap leave to pass
the rest of the day with me.

We retired immediately to my lodgings, where, calling for some
beer, I desired to be informed of his adventures, which contained
nothing more than that his master dying before his time was
out, he had come to Newcastle about a year ago, in expectation of
journeywork, along with three young fellows of his acquaintance who
worked in the keels; that he had the good fortune of being employed
by a very civil master, with whom he intended to stay till the
spring, at which time he proposed to go to London, where he did
not doubt of finding encouragement. When I communicated to him my
situation and design, he did not approve of my taking a passage
by sea, by reason of the danger of a winter voyage, which is
very hazardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness of
the wind, which might possibly detain me a great while, to the no
small detriment of my fortune; whereas, if I would venture by land,
he would bear me company, carry my baggage all the way, and if we
should be fatigued before we could perform the journey it would be
no hard matter for us to find on the road either return horses or
waggons, of which we might take the advantage for a very trifling
expense.

I was so ravished at this proposal that I embraced him affectionately,
and assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing; but
he gave me to understand he had saved money sufficient to answer
his own occasions; and that he had a friend in London who would soon
introduce him into business in that capital, and possibly have it
in his power to serve me also.

Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs that night, we
departed next morning by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each
(my companion being charged with the furniture of us both crammed
into one knapsack), and our money sewed between the linings
and waistbands of our breeches, except some loose silver for our
immediate expenses on the road, We travelled all day at a round
pace, but, being ignorant of the proper stages, were benighted at
a good distance from any inn, so that we were compelled to take
up our lodging at a small hedge alehouse, that stood on a byroad,
about half-a-mile from the highway: there we found a pedlar of our
own country, in whose company we regaled ourselves with bacon and
eggs, and a glass of good ale, before a comfortable fire, conversing
all the while very sociably with the landlord and his daughter,
a hale buxom lass, who entertained us with great good humour, and
in whose affection I was vain enough to believe I had made some
progress. About eight o'clock we were all three, at our own desire,
shown into an apartment furnished with two beds, in one of which
Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the pedlar occupied the
other, though not before he had prayed a considerable time extempore,
searched into every corner of the room, and fastened the door on
the inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried about with
him for that use.

I slept very sound till midnight when I was disturbed by a violent
motion of the bed, which shook under me with a continual tremor.
Alarmed at this phenomenon, I jogged my companion, whom, to my no
small amazement, I found drenched in sweat, and quaking through
every limb; he told me, with a low faltering voice, that we were
undone; for there was a bloody highwayman, loaded with pistols, in
the next room; then, bidding me make as little noise as possible,
he directed me to a small chink in the board partition through which
I could see a thick-set brawny fellow, with a fierce countenance,
sitting at a table with our young landlady, having a bottle of ale
and a brace of pistols before him.

I listened with great attention, and heard him say, in a terrible
tone, "D--n that son of a b--h, Smack. the coachman; he has served
me a fine trick, indeed! but d--ion seize me, if I don't make him
repent it! I'll teach the scoundrel to give intelligence to others
while he is under articles with me."

Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying
he might be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence
with the other gentleman that robbed his coach; and that, if an
accident had disappointed him to-day, he might soon find opportunities
enough to atone for his lost trouble. "I'll tell thee what, my clear
Bet," replied he, "I never had, nor ever shall, while my name is
Rifle, have such a glorious booty as I missed to-day. Z--s! there
was 400 in cash to recruit men for the king's service, besides
the jewels, watches, swords, and money belonging to the passengers.
Had it been my fortune to have got clear off with so much treasure,
I would have purchased a commission in the army, and made you an
officer's lady, you jade, I would." "Well, well," cries Betty, "we
must trust to Providence for that. But did you find nothing worth
taking which escaped the other gentlemen of the road?" "Not much,
faith," said the lover; "I gleaned a few things, such as a pair
of pops, silver mounted (here they are): I took them loaded from
the captain who had the charge of the money, together with a gold
watch which he had concealed in his breeches.  I likewise found
ten Portugal pieces in the shoes of a quaker, whom the spirit moved
to revile me with great bitterness and devotion; but what I value
myself mostly for is, this here purchase, a gold snuffbox, my girl,
with a picture on the inside of the lid; which I untied out of the
tail of a pretty lady's smock."

Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar snored so loud, that
the highwayman, snatching his pistols, started up, crying, "Hell and
d-n-n! I am betrayed! Who's that in the next room?" Mrs. Betty told
him he need not be uneasy: there were only three poor travellers,
who, missing the road, had taken up their lodgings in the house,
and were asleep long ago. "Travellers," says he, "spies, you b--ch!
But no matter; I'll send them all to hell in an instant!" He
accordingly ran towards our door; when his sweetheart interposing,
assured him, there was only a couple of poor young Scotchmen, who
were too raw and ignorant to give him the least cause of suspicion;
and the third was a presbyterian pedlar of the same nation, who
had often lodged in the house before.

This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he was glad there
was a pedlar, for he wanted some linen. Then, in a jovial manner,
he put about the glass, mingling his discourse to Betty with caresses
and familiarities, that spoke him very happy in his amours. During
that part of the conversation which regarded this, Strap had crept
under the bed, where he lay in the agonies of fear; so that it
was with great difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, and
prevailed on him to awake the pedlar, and inform him of what he
had seen and heard.

The itinerant merchant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the
shoulder, than he started up, called, as loud as he could, "Thieves,
thieves! Lord have mercy upon us!" And Rifle, alarmed at this
exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his pistols, and turned
towards the door to kill the first man that should enter; for he
verily believed himself beset: when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate
fit of laughter, persuaded him that the poor pedlar, dreaming of
thieves, had only cried out in his sleep.

Meanwhile, my comrade had undeceived our fellow-lodger, and informed
him of his reason for disturbing him; upon which, getting up softly,
he peeped through the hole, and was so terrified with what he saw,
that, falling down on his bare knees, he put up a long petition to
Heaven to deliver him from the hands of that ruffian, and promised
never to defraud a customer for the future of the value of a pin's
point, provided he might be rescued from the present danger. Whether
or not his disburthening his conscience afforded him any ease I
knew not, but he slipped into bed again, and lay very quiet until
the robber and his mistress were asleep, and snored in concert;
then, rising softly, he untied a rope that was round his pack, which
making fast to one end of it, he opened the window with as little
noise as possible, and lowered his goods into the yard with great
dexterity: then he moved gently to our bedside and bade us farewell,
telling us that, as we ran no risk we might take our rest with
great confidence, and in the morning assure the landlord that we
knew nothing of his escape, and, lastly, shaking us by the hands,
and wishing us all manner of success, he let himself drop from the
window without any danger, for the ground was not above a yard from
his feet as he hung on the outside.

Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight,
I was not at all free from apprehension when I reflected on what
might be the effect of the highwayman's disappointment; as he
certainly intended to make free with the pedlar's ware. Neither
was my companion at more ease in his mind. but on the contrary, so
possessed with the dreadful idea of Rifle, that he solicited me
strongly to follow our countryman's example, and so elude the fatal
resentment of that terrible adventurer, who would certainly wreak
his vengeance on us as accomplices of the pedlar's elopement. But
I represented to him the danger of giving Rifle cause to think we
know his profession, and suggested that, if ever he should meet us
again on the road, he would look upon us as dangerous acquaintance,
and find it his interest to put us out of the way. I told him, withal,
my confidence in Betty's good nature, in which he acquiesced; and
during the remaining part of the night we concerted a proper method
of behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the morning.

It was no sooner day than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving
our window open, cried out, "Odds-bobs! sure you Scotchmen must
have hot constitutions to lie all night with the window open in such
cold weather." I feigned to start out of sleep, and, withdrawing
the curtain, called, "What's the matter?" When she showed me, I
affected surprise, and said, "Bless me! the window was shut when
we went to bed." "I'll be hanged, said she, "if Sawney Waddle, the
pedlar, has not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very
obstropulous in his sleep, Sure I put a chamberpot under his bed!

With these words she advanced to the bed, in which he lay, and,
finding the sheets cold, exclaimed, "Good lackadaisy! The rogue
is fled." "Fled," cried I, with feigned amazement, "God forbid!
Sure he has not robbed us!" Then, springing up, I laid hold of my
breeches, and emptied all my loose money into my hand; which having
reckoned, I said, "Heaven be praised, our money is all safe! Strap,
look to the knapsack." He did so, and found all was right. Upon
which we asked, with seeming concern, if he had stolen nothing
belonging to the house. "No, no," replied she, "he has stole nothing
but his reckoning;" which, it seems, this pious pedlar had forgot
to discharge in the midst of his devotion.

Betty, after a moment's pause withdrew, and immediately we could
hear her waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle's flight than
he jumped out of bed and dressed, venting a thousand execrations,
and vowing to murder the pedlar if ever he should set eyes on him
again: "For," said he "the scoundrel has by this time raised the
hue and cry against me."

Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted his horse, and for
that time rid us of his company and a thousand fears that were the
consequence of it.

While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured, by all the
cunning she was mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected
our fellow-lodger, whom we saw take horse; but, as we were on our
guard, we answered her sly questions with a simplicity she could
not distrust; when, all of a sudden, we heard the trampling of a
horse's feet at the door. This noise alarmed Strap so much, whose
imagination was wholly engrossed by the image of Rifle, that, with
a countenance as pale as milk, he cried, "O Lord! there is the
highwayman returned!"

Our landlady, staring at these words, said, "What highwayman, young
man? Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?"

Though I was very much disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion
in Strap, I had presence of mind enough to tell her we had met a
horseman the day before, whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be
a highwayman, because he rode with pistols; and that he had been
terrified at the sound of a horse's feet ever since.

She forced a smile at the ignorance and timidity of my comrade;
but I could perceive, not without great concern, that this account
was not at all satisfactory to her.





CHAPTER IX




We proceed on our Journey--are overtaken by a Highwayman who fires
at Strap--is prevented from shooting me by a Company of Horsemen,
who ride in pursuit of him--Strap is put to Bed at an Inn--Adventures
at that Inn


After having paid our score and taken leave of our hostess,
who embraced me tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey,
blessing ourselves that we had come off so well. We bad not walked
above five miles, when we observed a man on horseback galloping
after us, whom we in a short time recognised to be no other than
this formidable hero who had already given us so much vexation. He
stopped hard by me, and asked if I knew who he was? My astonishment
had disconcerted me so much that I did not hear his question, which
he repeated with a volley of oaths and threats; but I remained as
mute as before.

Strap, seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in the mud,
uttering, with a lamentable voice, these words: "For Christ's sake,
have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle! we know you very well." "Oho!" cried
the thief, "you do! But you never shall be evidence against me in
this world, you dog!" So saying, he drew a pistol, and fired it
at the unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon the ground without
speaking one word.

My comrade's fate and my own situation riveted me to the place where
I stood, deprived of all sense and reflection; so that I did not
make the least attempt either to run away or deprecate the wrath
of this barbarian, who snapped a second pistol at me; but, before
he had time to prime again, perceiving a company of horsemen coming
up, he rode off, and left me standing motionless as a statue, in
which posture I was found by those whose appearance had saved my
life. This company consisted of three men in livery, well armed,
with an officer, who (as I afterwards learned,) was the person from
whom Rifle had taken the pocket pistols the day before; and who,
making known his misfortune to a nobleman he met on the road,
and assuring him his non-resistance was altogether owing to his
consideration for the ladies in the coach, procured the assistance
of his lordship's servants to go in quest of the plunderer. This
holiday captain scampered up to me with great address, and asked
who fired the pistol which he had heard.

As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, before I could answer,
observed a body lying on the ground, at which sight his colour
changed, and he pronounced, with a faltering tongue, "Gentlemen,
here's murder committed! Let us alight." "No, no," said one of his
followers, "let us rather pursue the murderer. Which way went he,
young man?"

By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell them that
he could not be a quarter of a mile before; and to beg one of them
to assist me in conveying the corpse of my friend to the next house,
in order to it being interred. The captain, foreseeing that, in
case he should pursue, he must soon come to action, began to curb
his horse, and gave him the spur at the same time, which treatment
making the creature rear up and snort, he called out, his horse
was frightened, and would not proceed; at the same time wheeling
him round and round, stroking his neck, whistling and wheedling him
with "Sirrah, sirrah--gently, gently." etc. "Z--ds!", cried one of
the servants, "sure my lord's Sorrel is not resty!"

With these words he bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Sorrel,
disdaining the rein sprang forward with the captain at a pace that
would have soon brought him up with the robber, had not the girtle
(happily for him) given way, by which means he landed in the dirt;
and two of his attendants continued their pursuit, without minding
his situation. Meanwhile one of the three who remained at my
desire, turning the body of Strap, in order to see the wound which
had killed him, found him still warm and breathing: upon which,
I immediately let him blood, and saw him, with inexpressible joy,
recover; he having received no other wound than what his fear had
inflicted. Having raised him upon his legs, we walked together
to an inn, about half a mile from the place, where Strap, who was
not quite recovered, went to bed; and in a little time the third
servant returned with the captain's horse and furniture, leaving
him to crawl after as well as he could.

This gentleman of the sword, upon his arrival, complained grievously
of the bruise occasioned by his fall; and, on the recommendation
of the servant, who warranted my ability, I was employed to bleed
him, for which service he rewarded me with half-a-crown.

The time between this event and dinner I passed in observing a
game at cards between two farmers, an exciseman, and a young fellow
in a rusty gown and cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was
curate of a neighbouring parish. It was easy to perceive that the
match was not equal; and that the two farmers, who were partners,
had to do with a couple of sharpers, who stripped them of all their
cash in a very short time. But what surprised me very mach, was to
hear this clergyman reply to one of the countrymen, who seemed to
suspect foul play, in these words: "D--n me, friend, d'ye question
my honour?"

I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being
a character frequent in my own country; but I was scandalised at the
indecency of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore,
and the bawdy songs which he sung. At last, to make amends in some
sort, for the damage he had done to the unwary boors, he pulled
out a fiddle from the lining of his gown, and, promising to treat
them at dinner, began to play most melodiously, singing in concert
all the while. This good humour of this parson inspired the company
with so much glee that the farmers soon forgot their losses, and
all present went to dancing in the yard.

While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, spying
a horseman a riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying
out, "Gad so! gentlemen, I beg your pardon, there's our dog of a
doctor coming into the inn." He immediately commended his instrument,
and ran towards the gate, where he took hold of the vicar's bridle,
and helped him off, inquiring very cordially into the state of his
health.

This rosy son of the church, who might be about the age of fifty.
having alighted and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked
with great solemnity, into the kitchen, where sitting down by the
fire, he called for a bottle of ale and a pipe; scarce deigning
an answer to the submissive questions of those who inquired about
the welfare of his family. While he indulged himself in this state,
amidst a profound silence, the curate, approaching him with great
reverence, asked him if he would not be pleased to honour him with
his company at dinner? To which interrogation he answered in the
negative, saying, he had been to visit Squire Bumpkin, who had
drank himself into a high fever at the last assizes; and that he
had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he should dine at home.
Accordingly where be had made an end of his bottle and pipe,
he rose, and moved with prelatical dignity to the door, where his
journeyman stood ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted than
the facetious curate, coming into the kitchen, held forth in this
manner: "There the old rascal goes, and the d--l go with him. You
see how the world wags, gentlemen. By gad, this rogue of a vicar does
not deserve to live; and yet he has two livings worth four hundred
pounds per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and
ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach--for what?  why, truly,
for twenty pounds a year. I scorn to boast of my own qualifications
but--comparisons are odious. I should be glad to know how this
wag-bellied doctor deserves to be more at ease than me. He can loll
in his elbow chair at home, indulge himself in the best of victuals
and wine and enjoy the conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You
understand me, gentlemen. Betty is the doctor's poor kinswoman,
and a pretty girl she is; but no matter for that; ay, and dutiful
girl to her parents, whom she visits regularly every year, though
I must own I could never learn in what county they live, My service
t'ye, gentlemen."

By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate
altogether with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and
every man's share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out
on pretence of some necessary occasion, and, mounting his house,
left the two farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they
could.  We were no sooner informed of this piece of finesse, than
the exciseman, who had been silent hitherto, began to open with a
malicious grin: "Ay, ay this is an old trick of Shuffle; I could
not help smiling when he talked of treating. Yon must know this is
a very curious fellow. He picked up some scraps of learning while
he served young Lord Trifte at the university. But what he most
excels in is pimping. No one knows his talents better than I, for
I was valet-de-chambre to Squire Tattle an intimate companion of
Shuffle's lord. He got him self into a scrape by pawning some of
his lordship's clothes on which account he was turned away; but, as
he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of my lord's
conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so made
interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him
to the curacy which he now enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too
much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood, in
spite of such a small allowance. You hear he plays a good stick,
and is really diverting company; these qualifications make him
agreeable wherever he goes; and, as for playing at cards there
is not a man within three counties for him. The truth is, he is a
d--able cheat, and can shift a card with such address that it is
impossible to discover him."

Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked, why he had
not justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars before
they engaged in play. The exciseman replied, without any hesitation,
that it was none of his business to intermeddle between man and man;
besides, he did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle's character,
which was notorious to the whole country. This did not satisfy
the other, who taxed him with abetting and assisting the curate's
knavery, and insisted on having his share of the winnings returned;
this demand the exciseman as positively refused affirming that,
whatever sleights Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he
was very certain that he had played on the square with them, and
would answer it before any bench in Christendom; so saying, he got
up and, having paid his reckoning, sneaked off.

The Landlord, thrusting his neck into the passage to see if he was
gone, shook his head, saying, "Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner
was to have his deserts. Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the
excisemen. But I know what; if parson Shuffle and he were weighed
together, a straw thrown into either scale would make the balance
kick the beam. But, masters, this is under the rose," continued
Boniface with a whisper.





CHAPTER X




The Highwayman is taken--we are detained as Evidence against
him--proceed to the next village--he escapes--we arrive at another
inn, where we go to Bed--in the Night we are awaked by a dreadful
Adventure-next night we lodge at the house of a Schoolmaster--our
Treatment there


Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived
a crowd on the road coming towards us, shouting and hallooing all
the way. As it approached, we could discern a man on horseback
in the middle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew
to be Rifle. The highwayman, not being so well mounted as the two
servants who went in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and, after
having discharged his pistols, made prisoner without any further
opposition. They were carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations
of the country people, to a justice of peace in a neighbouring
village, but stopped at our inn to join their companions and take
refreshment.

When Rifle was dismounted and placed in the yard, within a circle
of peasants, armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a
pitiful dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours
before filled me with such terror and confusion. My companion was
so much encouraged by this alteration in his appearance that, going
up to the thief, he presented his clenched fists to his nose, and
declared he would either cudgel or box with the prisoner for a
guinea, which he immediately produced, and began to strip, but was
dissuaded from this adventure by me, who represented to him the
folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was now in the hands of justice,
which would, no doubt, give us all satisfaction enough.

But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity was our being
detained by the captors, as evidence against him, when we were
just going to set forward. However, there was no remedy; we were
obliged to comply, and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which
luckily took the same road that we had proposed to follow. Abort
the twilight we arrived at the place of our destination, but as the
justice was gone to visit a gentleman in the country. with whom
(we understood) he would probably stay all night, the robber was
confined in an empty garret, three stories high, from which it
seemed impossible for him to escape; this, nevertheless, was the
case; for next morning when they went up stairs to bring him before
the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at the window upon
the roof from whence he continued his route along the tops of the
adjoining houses, and entered another garret where he skulked until
the family were asleep. at which time he ventured down stairs, and
let himself out by the street-door, which was open.

This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended
him, who were flushed with the hopes of the reward; but gave me
great joy, as I was permitted now to continue my journey, without
any further molestation. Resolving to make up for the small progress
we had hitherto made, we this day travelled with great vigour and
before night reached a market town. twenty miles from the place
from whence we set out in the morning, without meeting any adventure
worth notice. Here having taken up our lodging at an in, I found
myself so fatigued that I began to despair of performing our journey
on foot, and desired Strap to inquire if there were any waggon,
return horses, or any cheap carriage in this place, to depart for
London next day. He was informed that the waggon from Newcastle
to London had halted there two nights ago, and that it would be an
easy matter to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest, the
day after the next. This piece of news gave us some satisfaction;
and, after having made a hearty supper on hashed mutton, we were
shown to our room, which contained two beds, the one allotted for
us, and the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we were told,
was then drinking below.  Though we could have very well dispensed
with his company, we were glad to submit to this disposition, as
there was not another bed empty in the house; and accordingly went
to rest, after having secured our baggage under the bolster. About
two or three o'clock in the morning I was awaked out of a very
profound sleep by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not
fail to throw me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these
words pronounced with a terrible voice: "Blood and wounds! run the
halbert into the guts of him that's next you, and I'll blow the
other's brains out presently."

This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap
than, starting out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and
overturned him in an instant; at the same time bawling out, "Fire!
murder! fire!" a cry which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and
filled our chamber with a crowd of naked people. When lights were
brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared; which
was no other than a fellow lodger, whom we found lying on the floor,
scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment
at the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him.

This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who,
having listed two country fellows over night, dreaded they had
mutinied, and threatened to murder him and the drummer who was
along with him. This made such an impression on his imagination,
that he got up in his sleep and expressed himself as above. When
our apprehension of danger vanished, the company beheld one another
with great surprise and mirth; but what attracted the notice of
everyone was our landlady, with nothing on her but her shift and
a large pair of buckskin breeches, with the backside before, which
she had slipped on in the hurry, and her husband with her petticoat
about his shoulders; one had wrapped himself in a blanket, another
was covered with a sheet, and the drummer, who had given his only
shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo with a bolster rolled about
his middle.

When this affair was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment,
the sergeant slipped into bed, and my companion and I slept without
any further disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to
breakfast, paid our reckoning, and set forward in expectation of
overtaking the waggon; in which hope, however, we were disappointed
for that day. As we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found
myself quite spent with fatigue, when we entered a small village
in the twilight. We inquired for a public-house, and were directed
to one of a very sorry appearance. At our entrance the landlord,
who seemed to be a venerable old man, with long gray hair, rose
from a table placed by a large fire in a very neat paved kitchen,
and with a cheerful countenance accosted us in these words: "Salvete,
pueri. Ingredimini." I was not a little pleased to hear our host
speak Latin, because I was in hope of recommending myself to him
by my knowledge in that language; I therefore answered, without
hesitation, "Dissolve frigus, ligna super foco--large reponens." I
had no sooner pronounced these words, than the old gentleman, running
towards me, shook me by the hand, crying, "Fili mi dilectissime!
unde venis?--a superis, ni fallor?" In short, finding we were both
read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his regard
enough; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel
who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum,
repeating from Horace at the same time, "Deprome quadrimum sabina,
O Tholiarche, merum diota." This was excellent ale of his own
brewing, of which he told us he had always an amphora four years
old, for the use of himself and friends.

In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with
scraps of Latin, we understood that this facetious person was
a schoolmaster, whose income being small, he was fain to keep a
glass of good liquor for the entertainment of passengers by which
he made shift to make the two ends of the year meet. "I am this
day," said he, "the happiest old fellow in his majesty's dominions.
My wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter is to be married
next week; but the two chief pleasures of my life are these
(pointing to the bottle and a large edition of Horace that lay on
the table). I am old, 'tis true--what then? the more reason I should
enjoy the small share of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus
advises: 'Tu ne quaesieris (scire nefas) quem mihi, quem tibi finem
dii dederint. Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero.'"

As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple
of acquainting him with our situation, which when he had learned,
he enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us
that he was no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the meantime
he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, for
he was resolved this night to regale his friends--permittens divis
caetera. While our entertainment was preparing, our host recounted
the adventures of his own life, which, as they contained nothing
remarkable, I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously,
and drunk several bottles of his I expressed a desire of going to
rest, which was with some difficulty complied with, after he had
informed us that we should overtake the waggon by noon next day;
and that there was room enough in it for half-a-dozen, for there
were only four passengers as yet in that convenience.

Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about
the good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of
his benevolence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing
for our lodging and entertainment. "Don't you observe," said he,
"that he has conceived a particular affection for us--nay, even
treated us at supper with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure,
we should not of ourselves have called for?"

I was partly of Strap's opinion; but the experience I had of the
world made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up
betimes, we breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding
and ale, and desired to know what we had to pay. "Biddy will let you
know, gentlemen," said he; "for I never mind these matters. Money
matters are beneath the concern of one who lives upon the Horatian
plan--Crescentum sequitur cura pecuniam." Meanwhile, Biddy, having
consulted a slate that hung in the corner, told us our reckoning
came to 8s. 7d. "Eight shillings and seven pence!" cried Strap,
"'tis impossible! you must be mistaken, young woman." "Reckon
again, child," says her father, very deliberately; "perhaps you
have miscounted." "No, indeed," replied she, "I know my business
better." I could contain my indignation no longer, but said it
was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the particulars;
upon which the old man got up, muttering, "Ay, ay, let us see the
particulars--that's but reasonable." And, taking pen, ink, and
paper, wrote the following items:

    To bread and beer             0 6
    To a fowl and sausages        2 6
    To four bottles of quadrim.   2 0
    To fire and tobacco           0 7
    To lodging                    2 0
    To breakfast                  1 0
                                 ----
                                  8 7

As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised
a sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night,
it was not in my power to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore, I
contented myself with saying I was sure he did not learn to be an
extortioner from Horace. He answered, I was but a young man and
did not know the world, or I would not tax him with extortion,
whose only aim was to live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna
pauperies. My fellow traveller could not so easily put up with this
imposition; but swore he should either take one-third of the money
or go without. While we were engaged in this dispute, I perceived
the daughter go out, and, conjecturing the occasion, immediately
paid the exorbitant demand, which was no sooner done than Biddy
returned with two stout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking
their morning draught, but in reality to frighten us into compliance.
Just as we departed, Strap, who was half-distracted on account of
this piece of expense, went up to the schoolmaster, and, grinning
in his face, pronounced with great emphasis--"Semper avarus eget."
To which the pedant replied, with a malicious smile--"Animum rege,
qui, nisi paret, imperat."





CHAPTER XI




We descry the Waggon--get into it--arrive at an inn--our Fellow
Travellers described--a Mistake is committed by Strap, which produces
strange things


We travelled half-a-mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts
being engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be
daily exposed, and the contemplation of my finances, which began
sensibly to diminish. At length, Strap, who could hold no longer,
addressed me thus: "Well, fools and their money are soon parted.
If my advice had been taken, that old skin-flint should have been
d--n'd before he had got more than the third of his demand. 'Tis a
sure sign you came easily by your money, when you squander it away
in this manner. Ah! God help you, how many bristly beards must I
have mowed before I earned four shillings and threepence-halfpenny,
which is all thrown to the dogs! How many days have I sat weaving
hair till my toes were numbed by the cold, my fingers cramped,
and my nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung over the
door!  What the devil was you afraid of? I would have engaged to
box with any one of those fellows who came in for a guinea--I'm
sure--I have beat stouter men than either of them." And, indeed,
my companion would have fought anybody when his life was in no
danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire-arms and all instruments
of death. In order to appease him, I assured him no part of this
extraordinary expense should fall upon his shoulders; at which
declaration he was affronted, and told me he would have me to know
that, although he was a poor barber's boy, yet he had a soul to
spend big money with the best squire of the land.

Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a
refreshment, we descried, toward the evening, to our inexpressible
joy, the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us; and, by that
time we reached it, were both of us so weary that I verily believe
it would have been impracticable for us to have walked one mile
farther. We, therefore, bargained with the driver, whose name was
Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which
place we should meet the master of the waggon, with whom we might
agree for the rest of the journey.

Accordingly the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the
ladder, Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but,
just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears
in these words: "God's fury! there shall no passengers come here."
The poor shaver was so disconcerted at this exclamation, which
both he and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he
descended with great velocity and a countenance as white as paper.
Joey, perceiving our astonishment, called, with an arch sneer,
"Waunds, coptain, whay woant yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake
a penny? Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never moind the
coptain; I'se not afeard of the coptain."

This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be
prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though
not without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering,
like distant thunder--"Hell and the devil confound me, if I don't
make you smart for this!" However, I crept in, and by accident got
an empty place in the straw, which I immediately took possession
of, without being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers
in the dark. Strap following, with the knapsack on his back, chanced
to take the other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched
directly upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed out, in
a most dreadful manner, "Blood and thunder! where's my sword?" At
these words my frighted comrade started up, and, at one spring,
bounced against me with such force that I thought he was the supposed
son of Anak, who intended to press me to death. In the meantime a
female voice cried, "Bless me! what is the matter, my dear?" "The
matter," replied the captain, "d--n my blood! my guts are squeezed
into a pancake by that Scotchman's hump." Strap, trembling all the
while at my back, asked him pardon, and laid the blame of what had
happened upon the jolting of the waggon; and the woman who spoke
before went on: "Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own fault; we may thank
ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with. I thank God I
never travelled so before. I am sure if my lady or Sir John were
to know where we are they would not sleep this night for vexation.
I wish to God we had writ for the chariot; I know we shall never
be forgiven." "Come, come, my dear," replied the captain, "it don't
signify fretting now; we shall laugh it over as a frolic; I hope
you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord very merry
with our adventures in this diligence."

The discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his
lady that I durst not venture to join in the conversation; but
immediately after another female voice began: "Some people give
themselves a great many needless airs; better folks than any here
have travelled in waggons before now. Some of us have rode in
coaches and chariots, with three footmen behind them, without making
so much fuss about it. What then? We are now all upon a footing;
therefore let us be sociable and merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is
not this a good motion, you doting rogue? Speak, you old cent per
cent fornicator? What desperate debt are you thinking of?  What
mortgage are you planning? Well, Isaac, positively you shall never
gain my favour till you turn over a new leaf, grow honest, and
live like a gentleman. In the meantime give me a kiss, you old
fumbler." These words, accompanied with a hearty smack, enlivened
the person to whom they were addressed to such a degree that he
cried, in transport, though with a faltering voice, "Ah! you wanton
baggage--upon my credit, you are a waggish girl--he, he, he!" This
laugh introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the
poor usurer (such we afterwards found was the profession of this
our fellow-traveller).

About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till
such time as we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having
alighted from the waggon, I had an opportunity of viewing the
passengers in order as they entered. The first who appeared was a
brisk, airy girl, about twenty years old, with a silver-laced hat
on her head instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit, trimmed
with silver very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her
came, limping, an old man, with a worsted nightcap buttoned under
his chin, and a broad-brimmed hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue
cloak tied about his neck, under which appeared a brown surtout,
that covered a threadbare coat and waistcoat, and, as he afterwards
discerned, a dirty flannel jacket. His eyes were hollow, bleared,
and gummy; his face was shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles, his
gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp and drooping, his
chin peaked and prominent, so that, when he mumped or spoke, they
approached one another like a pair of nutcrackers: he supported
himself on an ivory-headed cane and his whole figure was a just
emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised,
when I beheld the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin
creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered visage, very
much resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which
two little gray eyes peeped: he wore his own hair in a queue that
reached to his rump, which immoderate length, I suppose. was the
occasion of a baldness that appeared on the crown of his head when
he deigned to take off his hat, which was very much of the size
and cock of Pistol's.

Having laid aside his great-coat, I could not help admiring the
extraordinary make of this man of war: he was about five feet and
three inches high, sixteen inches of which went to his face and
long scraggy neck: his thighs were about six inches in length, his
legs resembling spindles or drumsticks, five feet and a half, and
his body, which put me in mind of extension without substance,
engrossed the remainder: so that on the whole, he appeared like
a spider or grasshopper erect, and was almost a vox et praeterea
nihil. His dress consisted of a frock of what is called bearskin,
the skirts of which were about half a foot long, an hussar waistcoat,
scarlet breeches reaching half way down his thighs, worsted stockings
rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at least
two inches high; he carried a sword very near as long as himself
in one hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who seemed to
be a woman of his own age, and still retained some remains of an
agreeable person, but so ridiculously affected, that, had I not
been a novice in the world, I might have easily perceived in her
the deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a lady's woman.

We were all assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for that
was his name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse,
and told the landlord they would up by themselves. The innkeeper
replied that he could not afford them a room by themselves; and
as for supping, he had prepared victuals for the passengers in the
waggon, without respect of persons, but if he could prevail on the
rest to let him have his choice in a separate manner, he should be
very well pleased. This was no sooner said than all of us declared
against the proposal, and Miss Jenny (our other female passenger),
observed that, if Captain Weazel and his lady had a mind to sup
by themselves, they might wait until we should have done. At this
hint the captain put on a martial frown, and looked very big,
without speaking; while his yokefellow, with a disdainful toss of
her nose, muttered something about "Creature!" which Miss Jenny
overhearing, stepped up to her, saying, "None of your names, good
Mrs. Abigail.  Creature, quotha--I'll assure you no such creature
as you neither--no ten-pound sneaker--no quality-coupler." Here
the captain interposed, with a "D--e, madam, what do you mean by
that?" "D--n you sir, who are you?" replied Miss Jenny, "who made
you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler?
"Sdeath! the army is come to a fine pass, when such fellows as
you get commissions.  What, I suppose you think I don't know you?
Egad, you and your helpmate are well met--a cast-off mistress and
a bald valet-de-chambre are well yoked together." "Blood and wounds!
cried Weazel, "d'ye question the honour of my wife, madam? Hell
and d-ion! No man in England durst say so much--I would flay him,
carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I would have his liver for my
supper." So saying, he drew his sword and flourished with it, to
the great terror of Strap; while Miss Jenny, snapping her fingers,
told him she did not value his resentment a louse.

In the midst of this quarrel the master of the waggon alighted,
who, understanding the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the
captain and his lady would take umbrage and leave his carriage,
was at great pains to have everything made up, which he at last
accomplished, and we sat down to supper altogether. At bedtime
we were shown to our apartments; the old usurer, Strap, and I, to
one room; the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, to another. About
midnight, my companion's bowels being disordered, he got up, in order
to go backward, but in his return, mistaking one door for another,
entered Weazel's chamber, and without any hesitation went to bed
to his wife, who was fast asleep, the captain being at another
end of the room groping for some empty vessel, in lieu of his own
chamberpot, which was leaky: as he did not perceive Strap coming
in, he went towards his own bed, after having found a convenience;
but no sooner did he feel a rough head, covered with a cotton
nightcap, than it carne into his mind that he had mistaken Miss
Jenny's bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was that
of some gallant, with whom she had made an assignation. Full of his
conjecture, and scandalised at the prostitution of his apartment,
he snatched up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied
it at once on the astonished barber and his own wife, who waking
at that instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not only
alarmed the husband beyond measure, but frighted poor Strap almost
out of his senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched, especially
when the incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley
of oaths, asking him how he durst have the presumption to attempt
the chastity of his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed and confounded,
that he could say nothing but--"I take God to witness she's a virgin
for me."

Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in such a pickle through the
precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and with the
heel of her shoe which she found by the bedside, belaboured the
captain's bald pate till he roared "Murder." "I'll teach you to
empty your stinkpots on me," cried she, "you pitiful hop-o'-my-thumb
coxcomb. What, I warrant you're jealous, you man of lath. Was it
for this I condescended to take you to my bed, you poor, withered,
sapless twig?"

The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of
the waggon and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed
with great satisfaction. In the meantime we were alarmed with the
cry of "Rape! Murder! Rape!" which Jenny pronounced with great
vociferation. "Oh! You vile abominable old villain," said she,
"would you rob me of my virtue? But I'll be revenged of you, you old
goat! I will! Help! for heaven's sake! help! I shall be ravished!
ruined! help!" Some servants of the inn, hearing this cry, came
running upstairs with lights, and such weapons as chance afforded;
when we beheld a very diverting scene. In one corner stood the poor
captain shivering in his shirt, which was all torn to rags: with
a woeful visage, scratched all over by his wife, who had by this
time wrapped the counterpane about her, and sat sobbing on the
side of her bed. At the other end lay tile old usurer, sprawling
on Miss Jenny's bed, with his flannel jacket over his shirt, and
his tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air; while she held him fast
by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations.  When he asked
what was the matter, she affected to weep, told us she was afraid
that wicked rogue had ruined her in her sleep, and bade us take
notice of what we saw, for she intended to make use of our evidence
against him. The poor wretch looked like one more dead than alive,
and begged to be released; a favour which he had no sooner obtained
than he protested she was no woman, but a devil incarnate--that
she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then betrayed him.
"Yes, cockatrice," continued he, "you know you laid this snare
fur me--but you shan't succeed--for I will hang myself before you
shall get a farthing of me." So saying, he crawled to his own bed,
groaning all the way. We then advanced to the Captain, who told
us, "Gentlemen, here has been a d--d mistake; but I'll be revenged
on him who was the cause of it. That Scotchman who carries the
knapsack shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name
be Weazel. My dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible,
I could mean no harm to you." "I know not what you meant," replied
she, sighing, "but I know I have got enough to send me to my
grave." At length they were reconciled. The wife was complimented
with a share of Miss Jenny's bed (her own being overflowed), and
the master of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the remaining
part of the night with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap
mortally afraid, he having stolen away in the dark while the captain
and his lady were at loggerheads.





CHAPTER XII




Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat--an Affair
between the Captain and me--the Usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny
five Guineas for a Release--we are in Danger of losing a Meal--the
Behaviour of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion--an Account
of Captain Weazel and his Lady--the Captain's Courage tried--Isaac's
mirth at the Captain's Expense


Next morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings
for my passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to
take my place when I should be disposed to walk. At the same time
I desired him to appease the incensed captain, who had entered the
kitchen with a drawn sword in his hand, and threatened with many
oaths to sacrifice the villain who attempted to violate his bed;
but it was to no purpose for the master to explain the mistake, and
assure him of the poor lad's innocence, who stood trembling behind
me all the while: the more submission that appeared in Strap, the
more implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who swore he must
either fight him or he would instantly put him to death. I was
extremely provoked at this insolence, and told him, it could not
be supposed that a poor barber lad would engage a man of the sword
at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he would wrestle or box with
him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by saying,
"he would box with him for a guinea." Weazel replied with a look
of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his character
to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing, in
any respect, with such a fellow as Strap.  "Odds bodikins!" cries
Joey, "sure, coptain, yaw would not commit moorder! Here's a poor
lad that is willing to make atonement for his offence; and an that
woan't satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. And yaw woan't
box, I dare say, he will coodgel with yaw.  Woan't yaw, my lad?"
Strap, after some hesitation, answered, "Yes, yes, I'll cudgel
with him." But this expedient being also rejected by the captain,
I began to smell his character, and, tipping Strap the wink, told
the captain that I had always heard it said, the person who receives
a challenge should have the choice of the weapons; this therefore
being the rule in point of honour, I would venture to promise on
the head of my companion, that he would even fight Captain Weazel
at sharps; but it should be with such sharps as Strap was best
acquainted with, namely, razors. At my mentioning razors: I could
perceive the captain's colour change while Strap, pulling me by the
sleeve, whispered with great eagerness: "No, no, no; for the love
of God, don't make any such bargain." At length, Weazel, recovering
himself, turned towards me, and with a ferocious countenance asked,
"Who the devil are you? Will you fight me?" With these words,
putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at seeing
the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and, springing
to one side, snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney-corner,
with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who made a great
many half-longes, skipping backward at every push, till at last I
pinned him up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the company.
While he was in this situation his wife entered, and, seeing
her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful
scream: in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was
immediately granted; and at last was contented with the submission
of Strap, who, falling on his knees before him, protested the
innocence of his intention, and asked pardon for the mistake he
had committed. This affair being ended without bloodshed, we went
to breakfast, but missed two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny
and the usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that
she had kept her awake all night with her groans; and that when
she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was so much indisposed that she
could not proceed on her journey. At that instant, a message came
from her to the master of the waggon, who immediately went into her
chamber, followed by us all. She told him in a lamentable tone, that
she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the fright she received
last night from the brutality of Isaac; and, as the event was
uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for the
consequence. Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was found in the
waggon, whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night's
disgrace, and brought by force into her presence. He no sooner
appeared than she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told
us, if she died, she would leave her blood upon the head of that
ravisher. Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed
that God would deliver him from the machinations of that Jezebel;
and assured us, with tears in his eyes, that his being found in
bed with her was the result of her own invitation. The waggoner,
understanding the case, advised Isaac to make it up, by giving her
a sum of money: to which advice he replied with great vehemence, "A
sum of money!--a halter for the cockatrice!" "Oh! 'tis very well,"
said Miss Jenny; "I see it is in vain to attempt that flinty heart
of his by fair means. Joey, be so good as to go to the justice,
and tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to see him on
an affair of consequence." At the name of justice Isaac trembled,
and bidding Joey stay, asked with a quavering voice, "What she
would have? She told him that, as he had not perpetrated his wicked
purpose, she would be satisfied with a small matter. And though
the damage she might sustain in her health might be irreparable,
she would give him a release for a hundred guineas." "A hundred
guineas!" cried he in an ecstacy, "a hundred furies! Where should
a poor old wretch like me have a hundred guineas? If I had so
much money, d'ya think I should be found travelling in a waggon,
at this season of the year?" "Come, come" replied Jenny, "none of
your miserly artifice here. You think I don't know Isaac Rapine,
the money-broker, in the Minories. Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn
have you had of me and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed."
Isaac, finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty
shillings for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty
pounds: at last, however, she was brought down to five, which he
paid with great reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape.
After which accommodation, the sick person made a shift to get into
the waggon, and we set forward in great tranquillity; Strap being
accommodated with Joey's horse, the driver himself choosing to
walk. The morning and forenoon we were entertained with an account
of the valour of Captain Weazel, who told us he had once knocked
down a soldier that made game of him; tweaked a drawer by the nose,
who found fault with his picking his teeth with a fork, at another
time; and that he had moreover challenged a cheesemonger, who had
the presumption to be his rival: for the truth of which exploits he
appealed to his wife. She confirmed whatever he said, and observed,
"The last affair happened that very day on which I received a
love-letter from Squire Gobble, and don't you remember, my dear,
I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating ortolans, when
my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion's being altered, and
my lady was so alarmed that she had well nigh fainted?" "Yes, my
dear," replied the captain, "you know my lord said to me, with a
sneer, "Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding. "And I answered
cavalierly, "My lord, I wish I could return the compliment. "Upon
which the whole company broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter;
and my lord, who loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed
me." We travelled in this manner five days, without interruption
or meeting anything worth notice: Miss Jenny, who soon recovered
her spirits, entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of
which she could sing a great number; and rallying her own gallant,
who, notwithstanding, would never be reconciled to her. On the sixth
day, while we were about to sit down to dinner, the innkeeper came
and told us, that three gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the
victuals to be carried to their apartment, although he had informed
them that they were bespoke by the passengers in the waggon. To
which information they had replied, "the passengers in the waggon
might be d--d, their betters must be served before them; they
supposed it would be no hardship on such travellers to dine upon
bread and cheese for one day." This was a terrible disappointment
to us all; and we laid our heads together how to remedy it; when
Miss Jenny observed that Captain Weazel, being by profession a
soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from being
insulted. But the Captain excused himself, saying, he would not for
all the world be known to have travelled in a waggon!  swearing at
the same time, that could he appear with honour, they should eat
his sword sooner than his provision. Upon this declaration, Miss
Jenny, snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran immediately into
the kitchen, where she threatened to put the cook to death if be
did not send the victuals into our chamber immediately. The noise
she made brought the three strangers down, one of whom no sooner
perceived her than he cried, "Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil
brought thee hither?" "My dear Jack Rattle!" replied she, running
into his arms, "is it you? Then Weazel may go to hell for a dinner--I
shall dine with you."

They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we
were on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal,
when Joey, understanding the whole affair, entered the kitchen
with a pitchfork in his hand, and swore he would be the death of
any man who should pretend to seize the victuals prepared for the
waggon.  The menace had like to have produced fatal consequences;
the three strangers drawing their swords, and being joined by their
servants, and we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey; when the
landlord, interposing, offered to part with his own dinner to keep
the peace, which was accepted by the strangers; and we sat down at
table without any further molestation. In the afternoon, I chose
to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place. Having entered
into a conversation with this driver, I soon found him to be a merry,
facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch; he informed
me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who, falling
into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in the
stage coach from London to Newcastle, where he bad been arrested
for debt, and was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return
to her former way of life, by this conveyance. He told me likewise,
that one of the gentleman's servants, who were left at the inn,
having accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew him, and acquainted
Joey with some particulars of his character. That he had served my
Lord Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre many years, while be
lived separate from his lady; but, upon their reconciliation, she
expressly insisted upon Weazel's being turned off, as well as the
woman he kept: when his lordship, to get rid of them both with
a good grace, proposed that he should marry his Mistress, and he
would procure a commission for him in the army: this expedient was
agreed to, and Weazel is now, by his lordship's interest, ensigned
in --'s regiment. I found he and I had the same sentiments with
regard to Weazel's courage, which he resolved to put to the trial,
by alarming the passengers with the cry of a 'highwayman!' as soon
as a horseman should appear.

This scheme we put in practice, towards the dusk, when we descried
a man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated
to the people in the waggon, that he was afraid we should be all
robbed than a general consternation arose: Strap jumped out of
the waggon, and hid himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth
ejaculations, and made a rustling among the straw, which made us
conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing
her hands uttered lamentable cries: and the captain, to our great
amazement, began to snore; but this artifice did not succeed;
for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawled out, "Sdeath!
captain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be robbed?
Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and man of honour!"
Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and
swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England
surrounded him. "D--n my blood! what are you afraid of?" continued
he; at the same time trembling with such agitation that the whole
carriage shook. This singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss
Ramper so much that she cried, "D--n your pitiful soul, you are
as arrant a poltroon, as ever was drummed out of a regiment. Stop
the waggon, Joey--let me out, and by G--d, if I have rhetoric enough,
the thief shall not only take your purse, but your skin also." So
saying she leaped out with great agility. By this time the horseman
came up and happened to be a gentleman's servant well known to
Joey, who communicated the scheme, and desired him to carry it on
a little further, by going into the waggon, and questioning those
within. The stranger, consenting for the sake of diversion, approached
it, and in a terrible tone demanded, "Who have we got here?" Isaac
replied, with a lamentable voice, "Here's a poor miserable sinner,
who has got a small family to maintain, and nothing in the world
wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings which if you rob me
of we must all starve together." "Who's that sobbing in the other
corner?" said the supposed highwayman. "A poor unfortunate woman,"
answered Mrs. Weazle, upon whom I beg you, for Christ's sake, to
have compassion." "Are you maid or wife," said he. "Wife, to my
sorrow," said she. "Who, or where is your husband?" continued he.
"My husband," replied Mrs. Weazel, is an officer in the army and was
left sick at the last inn where we dined." "You must be mistaken,
madam," said he, "for I myself saw him get into the waggon this
afternoon. But pray what smell is that? Sure your lapdog has befouled
himself; let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I'll teach him better
manners." Here he laid hold of one of Weazel's legs, and pulled
him out from under his wife's petticoat, where he had concealed
himself. The poor trembling captain, being detected in his inglorious
situation, rubbed his eyes, and affecting to wake out of sleep,
cried, "What's the matter? What's the matter?" "The matter is not
much," answered the horseman; "I only called in to inquire after
your health, and so adieu, most noble captain." He clapped spurs to
his horse, and was out of sight in a moment.

It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at
length reassuming the big look, he said, "D--n the fellow! why did
he ride away before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady
do I? Don't you remember Tom, my dear?" addressing himself to his
wife. "Yes," replied she, "I think I do remember something of the
fellow, but you know I seldom converse with people of his station."
"Hey-day!" cried Joey, "do yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?" "Know
him," said Weazel, "many a time has he filled a glass of Burgundy
for me, at my Lord Trippett's table." "And what may his name be,
coptain?" said Joey. "His name!--his name," replied Weazel, "is
Tom Rinser." "Waunds," cried Joey, "a has changed his own neame
then! for I'se lay a wager he was christened John Trotter." This
observation raised a laugh against the captain, who seemed very much
disconcerted; when Isaac broke silence, and said, "It is no matter
who or what he was, since he has not proved the robber we suspected,
and we ought to bless God for our narrow escape." "Bless God,"
said Weazel, "bless the devil! for what? Had he been a highwayman,
I should have eaten his blood, body, and guts, before he had robbed
me, or any one in this diligence." "Ha, ha, ha," cried Miss Jenny,
"I believe you will eat all you kill, indeed, captain." The usurer
was so well pleased at the event of this adventure, that he could
not refrain from being severe, and took notice that Captain Weazel
seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself with
patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons; and worked
out his salvation with fear and trembling. This piece of satire
occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel's expense, who muttered
a great many oaths, and threatened to cut Isaac's throat. The
usurer, taking hold of this menace, said, "Gentlemen and ladies,
I take you all to witness, that in my life is in danger from this
bloody-minded officer; I'll have him bound over to the peace." This
second sneer produced another laugh against him, and he remained
crestfallen during the remaining part of our journey.





CHAPTER XIII




Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition--Strap's Conjecture--the
Mystery explained by Joey--we arrive in London-our Dress and
Appearance described--we are insulted in the Street--an Adventure
in an Alehouse--we are imposed upon by a waggish Footman--set
to rights by a Tobacconist--take Lodgings--dive for a Dinner--an
Accident at our Ordinary


We arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed; but Strap's distemper
continuing, he was obliged to rise in the middle of the night, and
taking the candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the
purpose, he went down to the house of office, whence in a short
time he returned in a great hurry, with his hair standing on end,
and a look betokening horror and astonishment. Without speaking a
word, he set down the light and jumped into bed behind me, where
he lay and trembled with great violence. When I asked him what
was the matter, he replied, with a broken accent, "God have mercy
on us! I have seen the devil!" Though my prejudice was not quite
so strong as his, I was not a little alarmed at this exclamation,
and much more so when I heard the sound of bells approaching our
chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling close to me, uttering these
words, "Christ have mercy upon us; there he comes!" At that instance
a monstrous overgrown raven entered our chamber, with bells at
his feet, and made directly towards our bed. As this creature is
reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and witches
to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted; and,
in a violent fright, shrank under the bedclothes.  This terrible
apparition leaped upon the bed, and after giving us several severe
dabs with its beak. through the blankets, hopped away, and vanished.
Strap and I recommended ourselves to the protection of heaven with
great devotion, and, when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to
peep up and take breath. But we had not been long freed from this
phantom, when another appeared, that had well nigh deprived us both
of our senses. We perceived an old man enter the room, with a long
white beard that reached to his middle; there was a certain wild
peculiarity in his eyes and countenance that did not savour of
this world; and his dress consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned
behind and at the wrists, with an odd-fashioned cap of the same
stuff upon his head. I was so amazed that I had not power to move
my eyes from such a ghastly object, but lay motionless. and saw
him come straight up to me: when he reached the bed, he wrung his
hands, and cried, with a voice that did not seem to belong to a
human creature, "Where is Ralph?" I made no reply: upon which he
repeated, in an accent still more preternatural, "Where is Ralpho?"
He had no sooner pronounced these words than I heard the sound of
the bells at a distance; which the apparition, having listened to,
tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a good
while before I could recover myself so far as to speak; and, when
at length I turned to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however,
did not last long.  When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of
what had happened; and he assured me that the first must certainly
be the soul of some person damned, which appeared by the chain about
his legs (for his fears had magnified the creature to the bigness
of a horse, and the sound of small morice-bells to the clanking of
massy chains). As for the old man, he took it to be the spirit of
somebody murdered long ago in this place, which had power granted
to forment the assassin in the shape of a raven, and that Ralpho
was the name of the said murderer. Although I had not much faith
in this interpretation, I was too much troubled to enjoy any sleep:
and in all my future adventures never passed a night so ill.

In the morning Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who, after
an immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him
that the old man was the landlord's father, who had been an idiot
some years, and diverted himself with a tame raven, which, it seems,
had hopped away from his apartment in the night, and induced him
to follow it to our chamber, where he had inquired after it under
the name of Ralpho.

Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey,
which continued six or seven days longer: at length we entered the
great city, and lodged all night at the inn where the waggon put
up. Next morning all the passengers parted different ways, while my
companion and I sallied out to inquire for the member of parliament,
to whom I had a letter of recommendation from Mr. Crab. As we had
discharged our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our baggage and,
marched behind me in the street with the knapsack on his back, as
usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance. I had dressed
myself to the greatest advantage; that is, put on a clean ruffled
shirt, and my best thread stockings: my hair (which was of the
deepest red) hung down upon my shoulders, as lank and straight as
a pound of candles; and the skirts of my coat reached to the middle
of my leg; my waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and
cut in the same taste; and my hat very much resembled a barber's
basin, in the shallowness of the crown and narrowness of the
brim. Strap was habited in a much less awkward manner: but a short
crop-eared wig, that very much resembled Scrub's in the play, and
the knapsack on his back, added to what is called a queer phiz,
occasioned by a long chin, a hook nose, and high cheek bones, rendered
him, on the whole, a very fit subject of mirth and pleasantry. As
he walked along, Strap, at my desire, inquired of a carman, whom
we met, whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived: and was answered by a stare,
accompanied with the word "Anan!" Upon which I came up, in order to
explain the question, but had the misfortune to be unintelligible
likewise, the carman damning us for a lousy Scotch guard, whipping
his horses with a "Gee ho!" which nettled me to the quick, and
roused the indignation of Strap so far that, after the fellow was
gone a good way, he told me he would fight him for a farthing.

While we were deliberating upon what was to be done, a hackney
coachman, driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the
kennel, came up close to us, and calling, "A coach, master!" by a
dexterous management of the reins made his horses stumble in the
wet, and bedaub us all over with mud. After which exploit he drove
on, applauding himself with a hearty laugh, in which several people
joined, to my great mortification; but one, more compassionate than
the rest, seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an alehouse,
and dry myself. I thanked him for his advice, which I immediately
complied with; and, going into the house he pointed out, called
for a pot of beer, and sat down by a fire in the public room. where
we cleaned ourselves as well as we could. In the meantime, a wag,
who sat in a box, smoking his pipe, understanding, by our dialect,
that we were from Scotland, came up to me. and, with a grave
countenance asked how long I had been caught. As I did not know the
meaning of this question, I made no answer; and he went on, saying
it could not be a great while, for my tail was not yet cut; at
the same time taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink to the
rest of the company, who seemed highly entertained with his wit.
I was incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting it, because
I happened to be in a strange place, and perceived the person who
spoke to me was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought myself by no
means a match.  However, Strap, having either more courage or less
caution, could not put up with the insults I suffered, but told him
in a peremptory tone, "He was an uncivil fellow for making so free
with his betters." Then the wit going toward him, asked him what
he had got in his knapsack? "Is it oatmeal or brimstone, Sawney?"
said he, seizing him by the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible
diversion of all present. My companion, feeling himself assaulted
in such an opprobrious manner, disengaged himself in a trice, and
lent his antagonist such a box on the ear as made him stagger to
the other side of the room; and, in a moment, a ring was formed
for the combatants. Seeing Strap beginning to strip, and my blood
being heated with indignation, which banished all other thoughts,
I undressed myself to the skin in an instant, and declared, that
as the affront that occasioned the quarrel was offered to me, I
would fight it out myself; upon which one or two cried out, "That's
a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair play." His assurance gave
me fresh spirits, and, going up to my adversary, who by his pale
countenance did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck him
so hard on the stomach, that he reeled over a bench, and fell to
the ground. Then I attempted to keep him down, in order to improve
my success, according to the manner of my own country, but was
restrained by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise
up my opponent, but in vain; for he protested he would not fight,
for he was not quite recovered of a late illness. I was very well
pleased with this excuse, and immediately dressed myself, having
acquired the good opinion of the company for my bravery, as well
as of my comrade Strap, who shook me by the hand, and wished me
joy of the victory.

After having drunk our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired
of the landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament,
and were amazed at his replying in the negative; for we imagined
he must be altogether as conspicuous here as in the borough he
represented; but he told us we might possibly hear of him as we
passed along. We betook ourselves therefore to the street, where
seeing a footman standing at the door, we made up to him, and asked
if he knew where our patron lived? This member of the particoloured
fraternity, surveying us both very minutely, said he knew Mr.
Cringer very well, and bade us turn down the first street on our
left, then turn to the right, and then to the left again, after
which perambulation we would observe a lane, through which we must
pass, and at the other end we should find an alley that leads to
another street, where we should see the sign of the Thistle and Three
Pedlars, and there he lodged. We thanked him for his information,
and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he knew this person to
be an honest friendly man by his countenance, before he opened his
mouth; in which opinion I acquiesced, ascribing his good manners
to the company he daily saw in the house where he served.

We followed his directions punctually, in turning to the left, and
to the right, and to the left again; but instead of seeing a lane
before us, found ourselves at the side of the river, a circumstance
that perplexed us not a little; and my fellow-traveller ventured
to pronounce, that we bad certainly missed our way. By this time
we were pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing how
to proceed, I went into a small snuff-shop hard by, encouraged
by the sign of the Highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible
satisfaction, the shopkeeper was my countryman. He was no sooner
informed of our peregrination, and the directions we had received
from the footman, than he informed us we had been imposed upon,
telling us, Mr. Cringer lived in the other end of the town and that
it would be to no purpose for us to go thither to-day, for by that
time he was gone to the House. I then asked, if he could recommend
us a lodging. He really gave us a line to one of his acquaintance
who kept a chandler's shop not far from St. Martin's Lane; there
we hired a bed-room, up two pair of stairs, at the rate of two
shillings per week, so very small, that when the bed was let down,
we were obliged to carry out every other piece of furniture that
belonged to the apartment, and use the bedstead by way of chairs.
About dinner-time, our landlord asked how we proposed to live? to
which interrogation we answered, that we would be directed by him.
"Well, then," says he, "there are two ways of eating in this town
for people of your condition--the one more creditable and expensive
than the other: the first is to dine at an eating-house frequented
by well-dressed people only; and the other is called diving, practised
by those who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally." I
gave him to understand that, provided the last was not infamous,
it would suit much better with our circumstances than the other.
"Infamous!" cried he, "not at all; there are many creditable people,
rich people, ay, and fine people, that dive every day. I have seen
many a pretty gentleman with a laced waistcoat dine in that manner
very comfortably for three pence halfpenny, and go afterwards to
the coffee-house, where he made a figure with the best lord in the
land; but your own eyes shall bear witness--I will go along with
you to-day and introduce you."


He accordingly conducted us to a certain lane, where stopping, he
bade us observe him, and do as he did, and, walking a few paces,
dived into a cellar and disappeared in an instant. I followed his
example, and descending very successfully, found myself in the
middle of a cook's shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boiled
beef, and surrounded by a company of hackney coachmen, chairmen,
draymen, and a few footmen out of place or on board-wages; who
sat eating shin of beef, tripe, cow-heel, or sausages, at separate
boards, covered with cloths which turned my stomach.  While I stood
in amaze, undetermined whether to sit down or walk upwards again,
Strap, in his descent, missing one of the stops, tumbled headlong
into this infernal ordinary, and overturned the cook as she carried
a porringer of soup to one of the guests. In her fall, she dashed
the whole mess against the legs of a drummer belonging to the
foot-guards, who happened to be in her way, and scalded him so
miserably, that he started up, and danced up and down, uttering a
volley of execrations that made my hair stand on end.

While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence
peculiar to himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on
the poor author of this mischance, who lay under the table with a
woful countenance, emptied a salt-cellar in her hand, and, stripping
down the patient's stocking, which brought the skin along with it,
applied the contents to the sore. This poultice was scarce laid
on, when the drummer, who had begun to abate of his exclamations,
broke forth into such a hideous yell as made the whole company
tremble, then, seizing a pewter pint pot that stood by him, squeezed
the sides of it together, as if it had been made of pliant leather,
grinding his teeth at the same time with a most horrible grin.
Guessing the cause of this violent transport, I bade the woman
wash off the salt, and bathe the part with oil, which she did, and
procured him immediate ease. But here another difficulty occurred,
which was no other than the landlady's insisting on his paying for
the pot he had rendered useless. He said, he would pay for nothing
but what he had eaten, and bade her be thankful for his moderation,
or else he would prosecute her for damages. Strap, foreseeing the
whole affair would lie at his door, promised to satisfy the cook,
and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, which entirely
appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this accommodation,
our landlord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon shin of
beef most deliciously; our reckoning amounting to twopence halfpenny
each, bread and small beer included.





CHAPTER XIV




We visit Strap's friend--a description of him--his advice--we go
to Mr. Cringer's house--are denied admittance--an Accident befalls
Strap--his behaviour thereupon--an extraordinary adventure occurs,
in the course of which I lose all my money


In the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his friend's
house, which, we were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither
we accordingly went, and were so lucky as to find him at home. This
gentleman, who had come from Scotland three or four years before,
kept a school in town, where he taught the Latin, French, and Italian
languages; but what he chiefly professed was the pronunciation of
the English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon than
any practised heretofore, and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like
their master, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly
performed to a tittle: for although I could easily understand every
word of what I had heard hitherto since I entered England, three
parts in four of his dialect were as unintelligible to me as if
he had spoken in Arabic or Irish. He was a middle-sized man, and
stooped very much, though not above the age of forty; his face was
frightfully pitted with the small-pox, and his mouth extended from
ear to ear. He was dressed in a night-gown of plaid, fastened about
his middle with a sergeant's old sash, and a tie-periwig with
a foretop three inches high, in the fashion of King Charles the
Second's reign.

After he had received Strap, who was related to him, very
courteously, he inquired of him who I was; and being informed, he
took me by the hand, telling me he was at school with my father.
When he understood my situation, he assured me that he would do
me all the service in his power, both by his advice and otherwise,
and while he spoke these words eyed me with great attention, walking
round me several times, and muttering, "Oh, dear! Oh, dear! fat a
saight is here!" I soon guessed the reason of his ejaculation, and
said, "I suppose, sir, you are not pleased with my dress." "Dress,"
answered he, "you may caal it fat you please in your country, but
I vow to Gad 'tis a masquerade here. No Christian will admit such
a figure into his house. Upon my conscience, I wonder the dogs
did not hunt you. Did you pass through St. James's market? Bless
my eyesaight! you are like a cousin-german of an ourangoutang." I
began to be a little serious at this discourse, and asked him, if
he thought I should obtain entrance to-morrow at the house of Mr.
Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for an introduction into business?
"Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer," replied he, scratching his cheek, "may
be a very honest gentleman--I know nothing to the contrary; but
is your sole dependence upon him? Who recommended you to him?"
I pulled out Mr. Crab's letter, and told him the foundation of my
hopes, at which he stared at me, and repeated "Oh dear! Oh dear!"
I began to conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, and begged
he would assist me with his advice, which he promised to give very
frankly; and as a specimen, directed us to a periwig warehouse
in the neighbourhood, in order to be accommodated; laying strong
injunctions on me not to appear before Mr. Cringer till I had parted
with my carroty locks, which, he said, were sufficient to beget an
antipathy against me in all mankind. And as we were going to pursue
this advice, he called me back and bade me be sure to deliver my
letter into Mr. Cringer's own hand.

As we walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with
his friend, who, it seems, had assured him he would in a day or
two provide for him with some good master; I and now," says he, "I
you will see how I will fit you with a wig. There's ne'er a barber
in London (and that's a bold word) can palm a rotten caul, or
a pennyweight of dead hair, upon me." And, indeed, this zealous
adherent did wrangle so long with the merchant, that he was desired
twenty times to leave the shop, and see if lie could get one cheaper
elsewhere. At "length I made choice (if a good handsome bob), for
which I paid ten shillings, and returned to our lodging, where Strap
in a moment rid me of that hair which had given the schoolmaster
so much offence.

We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer
gave audience by candle-light to all his dependents, he himself
being obliged to attend the levee of my Lord Terrier at break of
day, because his lordship made one at the minister's between eight
and nine o'clock. When we came to Mr. Cringer's door, Strap, to
give me all instance of his politeness. ran to the knocker, which
he employed so loud and so long, that he alarmed the whole street;
and a window opening in the second story of the next house, a vessel
was discharged upon him so successfully, that the poor barber was
wet to the skin, while I, being luckily at some distance, escaped
the unsavoury deluge. In the meantime, a footman opening the
door, and seeing nobody in the street but us, asked, with a stern
countenance, if it was I who made such a noise, and what I wanted.
I told him I had business with his master, whom I desired to see.
Upon which he slapped the door in my face, telling me I must learn
better manners before I could have access to his master. Vexed at
this disappointment, I turned my resentment against Strap, whom I
sharply reprimanded for his presumption; but he, not in the least
regarding what I said, wrung the wet out of his periwig, and lifting
up a large stone, flung it with such force against the street door
of that house from whence he had been bedewed, that the lock giving
way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving me to
follow him as I could. Indeed, there was no time for deliberation;
I therefore pursued him with all the speed I could exert, until we
found ourselves about the dawn in a street we did not know. Here,
as we wandered along gaping about, a very decent sort of a man,
passing by me, stopped of a sudden and took up something, which
having examined, he turned and presented to me with these words:
"Sir, you have dropped half-a-crown." I was not a little surprised
at this instance of honesty, and told him it did not belong to me;
but he bade me recollect, and see if all my money was safe; upon
which I pulled out my purse, for I had bought one since I came to
town, and, reckoning my money in my hand, which was now reduced to
five guineas seven shillings and twopence, assured him I had lost
nothing. "Well, then, says he, so much the better; this is a
godsend, and as you two were present when I picked it up, you are
entitled to equal shares with me." I was astonished at these words,
and looked upon this person to be a prodigy of integrity, but
absolutely refused to take any part of the sum. "Come, gentlemen,"
said he, "you are too modest--I see you are strangers, but you shall
give me leave to treat you with a whet this cold raw morning." I
would have declined the invitation, but Strap whispered to me that
the gentleman would be affronted, and I complied. "Where shall we
go?" said the stranger; "I am quite ignorant of this part of the
town." I informed him that we were in the same situation; upon
which he proposed to go into the first public-house we should find
open; and as we walked together, he began in this manner: "I find
by your tongues you are from Scotland, gentlemen; my grandmother
by the father's side was of your country, and I am so prepossessed
in its favour, that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms.
The Scots are very brave people. There is scarce a great family
in the kingdom that cannot boast of some exploits performed by its
ancestors many hundred years ago. There's your Douglasses, Gordons,
Campbells, Hamiltons.  We have no such ancient families here
in England. Then you are all very well educated. I have known
a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew as well as if they had been his
mother-tongue. And for honesty--I once had a servant, his name was
Gregor Macgregor, I would have trusted him with untold gold."

This eulogium of my native country gained my affections so strongly,
that I believe I could have gone to death to serve the author;
and Strap's eyes swam in tears. At length, as we passed through a
dark narrow lane, we perceived a public-house, which we entered,
and found a man sitting by the fire, smoking a pipe, with a pint
of purl before him. Our new acquaintance asked us if ever we had
drunk egg-flip? To which question we answering in the negative, he
assured us of a regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling
for pipes and tobacco at the same time. We found this composition
very palateable, and drank heartily; the conversation, which was
introduced by the gentleman, turning upon the snares that young
inexperienced people are exposed to in this metropolis. He described
a thousand cheats that are daily practised upon the ignorant and
unwary, and warned us of them with so much good nature and concern,
that we blessed the opportunity which threw us in his way. After
we had put the can about for some time, our new friend began to
yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a sick person; and
proposed we should have recourse to some diversion to keep him
awake. "Suppose," said he, "we should take a hand at whist for
pastime. But let me see: that won't do, there's only three of us;
and I cannot play at any other game. The truth is, I seldom or never
play, but out of complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I
am in danger of falling asleep,"

Although I was not much inclined to gaming, I felt no aversion to
pass an hour or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap
understood as much of the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, "I
wish we could find a fourth hand." While we were in this perplexity
the person whom we found in the house at our entrance, overhearing
our discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very gravely, and
accosted us thus: "Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see," shaking
the ashes into the fire, "and rather than you should be balked, I
don't care if I take a hand with you for a trifle--but remember I
won't play for anything of consequence." We accepted his proffer
with pleasure. Having cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play
with him against our friend and Strap, for threepence a game. We
were so successful, that in a short time I was half-a-crown gainer;
when the gentleman whom we had met in the street observing he had
no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or change partners. By this
time I was inflamed with my good fortune and the expectation of
improving it, as I perceived the two strangers played but indifferently;
therefore I voted for giving him his revenge: and cutting again,
Strap and I, to our mutual satisfaction, happened to be partners.
My good fortune attended me still, and in less than an hour we had
got thirty shillings of their money, for as they lost they grew
the keener, and doubled stakes every time. At last the inconstant
goddess began to veer about, and we were very soon stripped of all
our gains, and about forty shillings of our own money. This loss
mortified me extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles of
Strap's face, which lengthened apace; but our antagonists perceiving
our condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and
console ourselves with a new acquisition. Then my companion wisely
suggested. it was time to be gone; upon which the person who bad
joined us in the house began to curse the cards, and muttered that
we were indebted to fortune only for what we had got, no part of
our success being owing to our good play. This insinuation nettled
me so much that I challenged him to a game at piquet for a crown:
and he was with difficulty persuaded to accept the invitation. This
contest ended in less than an hour to my inexpressible affliction,
who lost every shilling of my own money, Strip absolutely refusing
to supply me with a sixpence.

The gentleman at whose request we bad come in, perceiving by my
disconsolate looks the situation of my heart. which well nigh burst
with grief and resentment, when the other stranger got up, and went
away with my money, began in this manner:--"I am truly afflicted at
your bad luck. and would willingly repair it, were it in my power.
But what in the name of goodness could provoke you to tempt your
fate so long? It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue success
as far us it will go, and to stop whenever fortune shifts about.
You are a young man, and your passions are too impetuous; you must
learn to govern them better. However, there is no experience like
that which is bought; you will be the better for this the longest
day you have to live. As for the fellow who has got your money, I
don't half like him. Did not you see me tip you the wink to leave
off in time?" I answered, "No." "No," continued he; "you was too
eager to mind anything but the game. But, harkee," said he in a
whisper, "are you satisfied of that young man's honesty? His looks
are a little suspicious--but I may be mistaken; he made a great many
grimaces while he stood behind you, this is a very wicked town." I
told him I was very well convinced of my comrade's integrity and,
that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his anxiety
of my loss. "Oh ho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. Landlord,
see what's to pay." The reckoning amounted to eighteenpence, which,
having discharged, the gentleman shook us both by the hand, and,
saying he should be very glad to see us again, departed.





CHAPTER XV




Strap moralises--presents his purse to me--we inform our landlord
of our misfortune--he unravels the mystery--I present myself to
Cringer--he recommends and turns me over to Mr. Staytape--I become
acquainted with a fellow dependent, who explains the character of
Cringer and Staytape--and informs me of the method to be pursued
at the Navy Office and Surgeons' Hall--Strap is employed


In our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides,
Strap, with a hideous groan, observed that we had brought our
pigs to a fine market. To this observation I made no reply, and he
went on: "God send us well out of this place; we have not been in
London eight and forty hours, and I believe we have met with eight
and forty thousand misfortunes. We have been jeered, reproached,
buffeted, and at last stript of our money; and I suppose by and
bye we shall be stript of our skins. Indeed as to the money part of
it, that was owing to our own folly.--Solomon says, 'Bray a fool
in a mortar, and he will never be wise.' Ah! God help us, an ounce
of prudence is worth a pound of gold." This was no time for him to
tamper with my disposition, already mad with my loss, and inflamed
with resentment against him for having refused me a little money
to attempt to retrieve it. I therefore turned towards him with a
stern countenance, and asked, who he called fool? Being altogether
unaccustomed to such looks from me, he stood still, and stared in
my face for some time; then, with some confusion, uttered, "Fool!
I called nobody fool but myself; I am sure I am the greatest fool
of the two, for being so much concerned at other people's misfortunes;
but 'Nemo omnibus horis sapit'--that's all, that's all." Upon which
a silence ensued, which brought us to our lodging, where I threw
myself upon the bed in an agony of despair, resolved to perish
rather than apply to my companion, or any other body, for relief;
but Strap, who knew my temper, and whose heart bled within him for
my distress, after some pause came to the bedside, and, putting
a leathern purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying, "I know
what you think, but I scorn your thought. There's all I have in
the world, take it, and I'll perhaps get more for you before that
be done. If not, I'll beg for you, steal for you, go through the
wide world with you, and stay with you; for though I be a poor
cobbler's son, I am no scout." I was so much touched with the
generous passion of this poor creature, that I could not refrain
from weeping also, and we mingled our tears together for some
time.  Upon examining the purse, I found in it two half-guineas
and half-a-crown, which I would have returned to him, saying, he
knew better than I how to manage it, but he, absolutely refused
my proposal and told me it was more reasonable and decent that he
should depend upon me, who was a gentleman, than that I should be
controlled by him.

After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease,
we informed our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care
to conceal the extremity to which we were reduced. He no sooner
heard the story, than he assured us we had been grievously imposed
upon by a couple of sharpers, who were associates; and that this
polite, honest, friendly, humane person, who had treated us so
civilly, was no other than a rascally money-dropper, we made it
his business to decoy strangers in that manner to one of his own
haunts, where an accomplice or two were always waiting to assist
in pillaging the prey he had run down. Here the good man recounted
a great many stories of people who has been seduced, cheated, pilfered,
beat--nay, even murdered by such villains. I was confounded at the
artifice and wickedness of mankind; and Strap, lifting up his eyes
and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from such
scenes of iniquity, for surely the devil had set up his throne in
London. Our landlord being curious to know what reception we had
met with at Mr. Cringer's, we acquainted him with the particulars,
at which he shook his head, and told us we had not gone the right
way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a member of
parliament without a bribe; that the servant was commonly infected
with the master's disease, and expected to be paid for his work,
as well as his betters. He therefore advised me to give the footman
a shilling the next time I should desire admittance to my patron,
or else I should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my letter.
Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened, I slipped a
shilling into his hand, and told him I had a letter for his master.
I found the good effect of my liberality; for the fellow let me in
immediately, and, taking the letter out of my hand, desired me to
wait in a kind of passage for an answer. In this place I continued
standing for three-quarters-of-an-hour, during which time I saw a
great many young fellows whom I formerly knew in Scotland pass and
repass, with an air of familiarity, in their way to and from the
audience-chamber; while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold,
and turn my back to them that they might not perceive the lowness
of my condition, At length, Mr. Cringer came out to see a young
gentleman to the door, who was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed
in a very gay suit of clothes; at parting Mr. Cringer shook him by
the hand and told him he hoped to have the pleasure of his company
at dinner. Then turning about towards me, asked what were my
commands? When he understood I was the person who had brought the
letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my name, which,
however, he pretended he could not do till he had consulted
the letter again; to save him the trouble, I told him my name was
Random. Upon which he went on, "Ay, ay, Random, Random, Random--I
think I remember the name:" and very well he might, for this very
individual, Mr. Cringer, had many a time rode before my grandfather's
cloak-bag, in quality of a footman. "Well," says he, "you propose
to go on board a man-of-war as surgeon's mate." I replied by a
low bow. "I believe it will be a difficult matter," continued he,
"to procure a warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch
surgeons at the Navy Office, in expectation of the next vacancy,
that the commissioners are afraid of being torn to pieces, and
have actually applied for a guard to protect them.  However, some
ships will soon be put in commission, and then we shall see what's
to be done." So saying, he left me, exceedingly mortified at the
different reception Mr. Gawky and I had met with from this upstart,
proud, mean member, who, I imagined, would have been glad of an
opportunity to be grateful for the obligations he owed to my family.

At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of Strap's
being employed, on the recommendation of his friend, the schoolmaster,
by a periwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five
shillings per week besides bed and board. I continued to dance
attendance every other morning at the levee of Mr. Cringer, during
a fortnight; in which time I became acquainted with a young fellow
of my own country and profession, who also depended on the member's
interest, but was treated with much more respect than I, both by
the servants and master, and often admitted into a parlour, where
there was a fire for the convenience of the better sort of those
who waited for him. Thither I was never permitted to penetrate,
on account of my appearance, which was not at all fashionable; but
was obliged to stand blowing my fingers in a cold lobby, and take
the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer's going to the door to speak
with him.

One day, while I enjoyed this occasion a person was introduced, whom
Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he saluted
him with a low bow to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him
by the hand with great heartiness and familiarity, called him his
good friend, and asked very kindly after Mrs.  Staytape and the
young ladies; then, after a whisper, which continued some minutes,
wherein I overheard the word 'honour' repeated several times with
great emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this gentleman, as
to a person whose advice and assistance I might depend upon; and
having given me his direction, followed me to the door, where he
told me I need not give myself the trouble to call at his house any
more, for Mr. Staytape would do my business.  At that instant. my
fellow-dependent, coming out after me, overheard the discourse of
Mr. Cringer, and, making up to me in the street, accosted me very
civilly: this address I looked upon as no small honour, considering
the figure he made, for he was dressed in a blue frock with a button,
a green silk waistcoat, trimmed with gold, black velvet breeches,
white silk stockings, silver buckles, a gold-laced hat, a spencer-wig,
and a silver-hilted hanger, with a fine clouded can in his hand.
"I perceive," says he, "you are but lately come from Scotland;
pray what may your business with Mr.  Cringer be? I suppose it
is no secret and I may possibly give you some advice that will be
serviceable, for I have been surgeon's second mate on board of a
seventy-gun ship, and consequently know a good deal of the world."

I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which, when he had
learned, he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much,
in the same circumstances about a year ago: that he had relied on
Cringer's promises, until his money (which was considerable) as
well as his credit, was quite exhausted; and when he wrote to his
relations for a fresh supply, instead of money he received nothing
but reproaches, and the epithets of idle, debauched fellow. That
after he had waited at the Navy Office many months for a warrant to
no purpose, he was fain to pawn some of his clothes, which raised
a small sum wherewith he bribed the secretary, who soon procured
a warrant for him, notwithstanding he had affirmed the same day,
that there vas not one vacancy. That he had gone on board, where
he remained nine months, at the end of which the ship was put out
of commission, and he said the company were to be paid off in Broad
Street the very next day. That relations being reconciled to him,
had charged him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer, who
had informed them by letter that his interest alone had procured
the warrant; in obedience to which command he came to his levee
every morning; as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a very
pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked me if I had yet passed
at Surgeons' Hall? To which question I answered, I did not so much
as know it was necessary. "Necessary:" cried he, "Oh then I find I
must instruct you: come along with me, and I'll give you information
about that matter." So Saying, he carried me into an ale-house,
where I called for some beer, and bread and cheese, on which we
breakfasted. While we sat in this place, he told me I must first
go to the Navy Office, and write to the Board, desiring them to
order a letter for me to Surgeon's Hall, that I might be examined,
touching my skill in surgery. That the surgeons, after having examined
me, would give me my qualification sealed up in form of a letter
directed to the commissioners, which qualification I must deliver
to the secretary of the Board, who would open it in my presence,
and read the contents; after which I must employ my interest
to be provided for as soon as possible. That the expense of his
qualification for second mate of a third-rate, amounted to thirteen
shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him half-a-guinea and
half-a-crown, besides a present to the secretary, which consisted
of a three-pound twelve piece. This calculation was like a thunderbolt
to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve shillings. I
accordingly made him acquainted with this part of my distress, after
having thanked him for his information and advice. He condoled me
on this occasion; but bade me be of good cheer, for he had conceived
a friendship for me, and would make all things easy. He was ran out
at present, but to-morrow or next day, he was certain of receiving a
considerable sum; of which he would lend me what would be sufficient
to answer my exigencies. This frank declaration pleased me so much,
that I pulled out my purse, and emptied it before him, begging him
to take what he pleased for pocket-expense, until he should receive
his own money. With a good deal of pressing, he was prevailed upon
to take five shillings telling me that he might have what money he
wanted at any time for the trouble of going into the city; but as
he had met with me, he would defer his going thither till tomorrow,
when I should go along with him, and he would put me in the way
of acting for myself, without a servile dependence on that rascal
Cringer, much less on the tailor to whom he heard him turn me over.
"How!" cried I, "is Mr. Staytape a tailor." "No less, I assure
you," answered he, "and, I confess, more likely to serve you than
the member; for, provided you can entertain him with politics and
conundrums, you may have credit with him for as many and as rich
clothes as you please." I told him, I was utterly ignorant of both,
and so incensed at Cringer's usage, that I would never set foot
within his door again.

After a good deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and
I parted, having made an appointment to meet next day at the same
place; in order to set out for the city. I went immediately to
Strap and related everything which had happened, but he did not
at all approve of my being so forward to lend money to a stranger,
especially as we had already been so much imposed upon by appearances.
"However," said he, "if you are sure he is a Scotchman, I believe
you are safe."





CHAPTER XVI




My new acquaintance breaks an appointment--I proceed, by myself, to
the Navy Office--address me to a person there, who assists me with
advice--write to the Board, they grant me a letter to the Surgeons
at the Hall--am informed of the beau's name and character--find
him--he makes me his confidant in an amour--desires me to pawn
my linen for his occasions--recover what I lent him--some curious
observations on Strap on that occasion--his vanity.


In the morning I rose and went to the place of rendezvous, where
I waited two hours in vain, and was so exasperated against him for
breaking his appointment, that I set out for the city by myself,
in hope of finding the villain, and being revenged on him for his
breach of promise. At length I found myself at the Navy Office,
which I entered, and saw crowds of young fellows walking below,
many of whom made no better appearance than myself. I consulted the
physiognomy of each, and at last made up to one whose countenance
I liked, and asked, if he could instruct me in the form of the
letter which was to be sent to the Board to obtain an order for
examination? He answered me in broad Scotch, that he would show me
the copy of what he had writ for himself, by direction of another
who know the form, and accordingly pulled it out of his pocket for
my perusal; and told me that, if I was expeditious, I might send
it into the Board before dinner, for they did no business in the
afternoon. He then went with me to coffee-house hard by, where I
wrote the letter, which was immediately delivered to the messenger,
who told me I might expect an order to-morrow about the same time.

Having transacted this piece of business, my mind was a good deal
composed; and as I had met with so much civility from the stranger,
I desired further acquaintance with him, fully resolved, however,
not to be deceived by him so much to my prejudice as I had been
by the beau. He agreed to dine with me at the cook's shop which I
frequented; and on our way thither carried me to 'Change, where I
was in hopes of finding Mr. Jackson (for that was the name of the
person who had broke his appointment), I sought him there to no
purpose, and on our way towards the other end of the town imparted
to my companion his behaviour towards me; upon which he gave me
to understand, that he was no stranger to the name of Bean Jackson
(so he was called at the Navy Office), although he did not know him
personally; that he had the character of a good-natured careless
fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing from any that would lend;
that most people who knew him believed he had a good principle
at bottom, but his extravagance was such, he would probably never
have it in his power to manifest the honesty of his intention. This
made me sweat for my five shillings, which I nevertheless did not
altogether despair of recovering, provided I could find out the
debtor.

This young man likewise added another circumstance of Squire
Jackson's history, which was, that being destitute of all means to
equip himself for sea, when he received his last warrant, he had
been recommended to a person who lent him a little money, after
he had signed a will entitling that person to lift his wages when
they should become due, as also to inherit his effects in case of
his death. That he was still under the tutorage and direction of
that gentleman, who advanced him small sums from time to time upon
this security, at the rate of fifty per cent. But at present his
credit was very low, because his funds would do little more than
pay what he had already received, this moderate interest included.
After the stranger (whose name was Thompson) had entertained me with
this account of Jackson, he informed me that he himself had passed
for third mate of a third-rate, about four months ago; since which
time he had constantly attended at the Navy Office, in hope of a
warrant, having been assured from the beginning, both by a Scotch
member, and one of the commissioners to whom the member recommended
him, that he should be put into the first vacancy; notwithstanding
which promise, he had the mortification to see six or seven
appointed in the same station almost every week--that now. being
utterly impoverished, his sole hope consisted in the promise of
a friend lately come to town, to lend him a small matter, for a
present to the secretary; without which he was persuaded he might
wait a thousand years to no purpose. I conceived a mighty liking for
this young fellow, which (I believe) proceeded from the similitude
of our fortunes. We spent the whole day together; and as he lived
at Wapping I desired him to take a share of my bed.

Next day we returned to the Navy Office, where, after being called
before the Board, and questioned about the place of my nativity
and education, they ordered a letter to be made out for me, which,
upon paying half-a-crown to the clerk, I received, and delivered into
the hands of the clerk at Surgeons' Hall, together with a shilling
for his trouble in registering my name. By this time my whole stock
was diminished to two shillings, and I saw not the least prospect
of relief, even for present subsistence, much less to enable me
to pay the fees at Surgeons' Hall for my examination, which would
come on in a fortnight. In this state of perplexity, I consulted
Strap, who assured me he would pawn everything he had in the world,
even to his razors, before I should want: but this expedient I
absolutely rejected, telling him, I would a thousand times rather
list for a soldier, of which I had some thoughts, than be any longer
a burden to him. At the word soldier, he grew pale as death, and
begged on his knees I would think no more of that scheme. "God preserve
us all in our right wits!" cried he, "would you turn soldier, and
perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards, where you must stand
and be shot at like a woodcock? Heaven keep cold lead out of
my carcase, and let me die in a bed like a Christian, as all my
forefathers have done. What signifies all earthly riches and honour,
if one enjoys not content? and, hereafter, there is no respect of
persons. Better be a poor honest barber with a good conscience, and
time to repent of my sins upon my death-bed, than be cut off (God
bless us!) by a musket-shot, as it were in the very flower of one's
age, in the pursuit of riches and fame. What signify riches, my
dear friend? do they not make unto themselves wings and fly away?
as the wise man saith. I could also mention many other sayings in
contempt of riches, both from the Bible and other good books; but
I know you are not very fond of those things, I shall only assure
you, that if you take on to be a soldier, I will do the same; and
then if we should both be slain, you will not only have your own
blood to answer for, but mine also: and peradventure the lives
of all those whom we shall kill in battle.  Therefore I pray you,
consider whether you will sit down contented with small things and
share the fruits of my industry in peace, till Providence shall
send better tidings; or, by your despair, plunge both our souls
and bodies into everlasting perdition, which God of his infinite
mercy forbid!" I could not help smiling at this harangue, which was
delivered with great earnestness, the tears standing in his eyes
all the time, and promised to do nothing of that sort without his
consent and concurrence. He was much comforted with this declaration;
and told me in a few days he should receive a week's wages, which
should be at my service, but advised me in the meantime to go in
quest of Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he had borrowed
of me. I accordingly trudged about from one end of the town to
the other, for several days, without being able to learn anything
certain concerning him: and, one day being extremely hungry,
and allured by the steams that regaled my nostrils from a boiling
cellar, I went down with an intention to gratify my appetite with
a twopennyworth of beef; when to my no small surprise found Mr.
Jackson sitting at dinner with a footman. He no sooner perceived
me than he got up and shook me by the hands saying, he was glad to
see me, for he intended to have called at my lodgings in the afternoon.
I was so well pleased at this rencounter. and the apologies he made
for not keeping his appointment, that I forgot my resentment, and
sat down to dinner, with the happy expectation of not only recovering
my own money before we should part, but also of reaping the benefit
of his promise to lend me wherewithal to pass examination; and this
hope my sanguine complexion suggested, though the account Thompson
gave me of him ought to have moderated my expectation.

When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman,
and adjourned with me to an ale-house hard by, where, after shaking
me by the hand again, he began thus: "I suppose you think me a sad
dog, Mr. Random, and I do confess that appearances are against me.
But I dare say you will forgive me when I tell you, my not coming
at the time appointed was owing to a peremptory message I received
from a certain lady, whom, harkee! (but this is a great secret) I
am to marry very soon. You think this strange, perhaps, but it is
not less true for all that--a five thousand pounder, I'll assure
you, besides expectations. For my own part, devil take me if I know
what any woman can see engaging about me--but a whim, you know--and
then one would not balk one's good fortune. You saw that footman
who dined with us--he's one of the honestest fellows that ever
wore livery. You must know it was by his means I was introduced
to her, for he made me first acquainted with her woman, who is his
mistress--ay, many a crown has he and his sweetheart had of my
money--but what of that? things are now brought to a bearing. I
have--(come a little this way) I have proposed marriage, and the
day is fixed--she's a charming creature, and writes like an angel!
She can repeat all the English tragedies as well as ever a player
in Drury Lane!-and, indeed, is so fond of plays, that to be near
the stage she has taken lodgings in a court hard by the theatre;
but you shall see--you shall see--here's the last letter she sent
me." With these words, he put it into my hand, and I read (to the
best of my remembrance) as follows:

    'Dear Creeten--As you are the animable hopjack of my
    contemplayshins, your aydear is infernally skimming before
    my keymerycal fansee, when Murfy sends his puppies to the heys
    of slipping mortals; and when Febus shines from his merry dying
    throne; whereupon I shall canseif old time has lost his
    pinners, as also cubit his harrows, until thou enjoy sweet
    propose in the loafseek harms of thy very faithfool to commend,
                     Clayrender
          Wingar Yard, Drury Lane, January 12th.'

While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, rubbing his
hands, and bursting out into fits of laughter; at last he caught
hold of my hand, and squeezing it, cried, "There--a style for you!
What do you think of this billet-doux?" I answered, "It might be
ablime for aught I knew, for it was altogether above my comprehension."
"Oh, ho!" said he, "I believe it is--both tender and sublime; she's
a divine creature! and so doats upon me! Let me see--what shall I
do with this money, when I have once got it into my hands? In the
first place, I shall do for you. I'm a man of few words---but say
no more that's determined; whether would you advise me, to purchase
some post, by which I may rise in the state, or lay out my wife's
fortune in land, and retire to the country at once?" I gave my
opinion without hesitation, that he could not do better than buy
an estate and improve; especially since he had already seen so much
of the world. Then I launched out into the praises of a country
life, as described by the poets whose works I had read.  He seemed
to relish my advice, but withal told me, that although he had seen
a great deal of the world both at land and sea, having cruised
three whole months in the Channel, yet he should not be satisfied
until he had visited France, which he proposed to do before he
should settle; and to carry his wife along with him. I had nothing
to object to his proposal; and asked how soon he hoped to be happy.
"As to that," he replied, "nothing obstructs my happiness but the
want of a little ready cash; for you must know, my friend in the
city has gone out of town for a week or two, but I unfortunately
missed my pay at Broad Street, by being detained too long by the dear
charmer--but there will he a recall at Chatham next week, whither
the ship's books are sent, and I have commissioned a friend in that
place to receive the money." "If that be all," said I, "there's
no great harm in deferring your marriage a few days." "Yes, faith.
but there is," said he; "you don't know how many rivals I have, who
would take all advantages against me. I would not balk the impatience
of her passion for the world--the least appearance of coldness
or indifference would ruin all; and such offers don't occur every
day."

I acquiesced in this observation, and inquired how he intended to
proceed. At this question he rubbed his chin, and said, "Why, truly,
I must be obliged to some friend or other--do you know nobody that
would lend me a small sum for a day or two?" I assured him, I was
such an utter stranger in London, that I did not believe I could
borrow a guinea if my life depended upon it. "No!" said he, "that's
hard--that's bard! I wish I had anything to pawn--upon my soul,
you have got excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt); how
many shirts of that kind have you got?" I answered, "Six ruffled,
and six plain." At which he testified great surprise, and declared
that no gentleman ought to have more than four. "How many d'ye
think I have got?" continued he; "but this and another, as I hope
to be saved! and I dare say we shall be able to raise a good sum out
of your superfluity: let me see--let me see--each of these shirts
is worth sixteen shillings at a moderate computation--now, suppose we
pawn them for half-price--eight times eight is sixty-four, that's
three pounds four; that will do--give me your hand." "Softly,
softly, Mr. Jackson," said I; "don't dispose of my linen without
my consent: first pay me the crown you owe me, and then we shall
talk of other matters." He protested that he had not above one
shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the first
of the money raised from the shirts. This piece of assurance
incensed me so much that I swore I would not part with him until I
had received satisfaction for what I had lent him; and as for the
shirts, I would not pawn one of them to save him from the gallows.

At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained it was
very hard that I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly
enable him not only to make his own fortune but mine also. "You
talk of pawning my shirts," said I; "suppose you should sell this
hanger, Mr. Jackson. I believe it would fetch a good round sum."
"No, hang it!" said he, "I can't appear decently without my hanger,
lest it should go." However, seeing me inflexible with regard to
my linen, he at length unbuckled his hanger, and, showing me the
three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither and pawn it for
two guineas. This office I would by no means have performed, had I
seen any likelihood of having my money otherwise; but not willing,
out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity
I should perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawnbroker's shop,
where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas
Williams. "Two guineas!" said the pawnbroker, looking at the hanger;
"this piece of goods has been here several times before for thirty
shillings: however, since I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs
will redeem it, he shall have what he wants; and accordingly he
paid me the money, which I carried to the house where I had left
Jackson; and, calling for change, counted out to him seven and thirty
shillings, reserving the other five for myself." After looking at
the money some time, he said, "Well! it don't signify--this won't
do my business; so you may as well take half-a-guinea, or a whole
one, as the five shillings you have kept." I thanked him kindly,
but refused to accept of any more than was my due, because I had
no prospect of repaying it. Upon which declaration, he stared in
my face, and told me, I was excessively raw or I would not talk in
that manner. "Upon my word," cried he, "I have a very bad opinion
of a young fellow who won't borrow of his friend when he is in
want--'tis the sign of a sneaking spirit.  Come, come, Random, give
me back the five shillings, and take this half-guinea, and if ever
you are able to pay me, I believe you will: if not, I shall never
ask it."

When I reflected upon my present necessity, I suffered myself to
be persuaded, and after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson,
who offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings with
a much better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning;
and at night imparted my day's adventure to Strap, who rejoiced
at my good luck, saying, "I told you if he was a Scotchman you was
safe enough--and who knows but this marriage may make us all. You
have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman of ours, a journeyman
baker, ran away with a great lady of this town, and now keeps
his coach. I say nothing; but yesterday morning as I was shaving
a gentleman at his own house, there was a young lady in the room,
and she threw so many sheep's eyes at a certain person whom I shall
not name, that my heart went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling
mill, and my hand sh-sh-shook so much that I sliced a piece of
skin off the gentleman's nose; whereby he uttered a deadly oath,
and was going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and made my
peace.  Is not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker?
The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the belly, and
the barber rises it for the head: and as the head is a more noble
member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker--for
what's the belly without the head? Besides, I am told, he could
neither read nor write; now you know I can do both, and moreover,
speak Latin--but I will say no more, for I despise vanity--nothing
is more vain than vanity." With these words, he pulled out of his
pocket a wax-candle`s end, which he applied to his forehead; and
upon examination, I found had combed his own hair over the toupee
of his wig, and was, indeed, in his whole dress, become a very
smart shaver. I congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical
smile, which he understood very well; and, shaking his head, observed,
I had very little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite
of my incredulity.





CHAPTER XVII




I go to Surgeons' Hall, when I meet Mr. Jackson-am examined--a
fierce dispute arises between two of the examiners--Jackson disguises
himself to attract respect--irises himself to attract respect--is
detected--in hazard of being sent to Bridewell--he treats us
at a Tavern--carries us to a Night-house--A troublesome adventure
there--we are committed to the Round-house--carried before a
Justice--his behaviour


With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost
all the money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the
day of examination, when I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons'
Hall, in order to undergo that ceremony. Among a crowd of young
fellows who walked in the outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson,
to whom I immediately went up; and, inquiring into the state of
his love affair, understood it was still undetermined, by reason
of his friend's absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham,
which put it out of his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then
asked what his business was in this place; he replied, he was resolved
to have two strings to his bow, that in case the one failed, he
might use the other; and, with this view, he was to pass that night
for a higher qualification. At that instant, a young fellow came
out from the place of examination, with a pale countenance, his
lip quivering, and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost. He
no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about him with the utmost
eagerness to know what reception he had met with; which, after some
pause, he described, recounting all the questions they had asked,
with the answers he made. In this manner we obliged no less
than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they
did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: at length the beadle
called my name, with a voice that made me tremble. However, there
was no remedy. I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about
a dozen of grim faces sitting at a long table: one of whom bade me
come forward, in such an imperious tone, that I was actually for
a minute or two bereft of my senses. The first question he put to
me was, "Where was you born?" To which I answered, "In Scotland."
"In Scotland," said he; "I know that very well--we have scarce any
other countrymen to examine here--you Scotchmen have overspread us
of late as the locusts did Egypt. I ask you in what part of Scotland
was you born?" I named the place of my nativity, which he had
never heard of; he then proceeded to interrogate me about my age,
the town where I served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship;
and when I informed him that I served three years only, he fell into
a violent passion, swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such
raw boys into the world as surgeons; that it was great presumption
in me, and all affront upon the English, to pretend sufficient
skill in my business, having served so short a time, when every
apprentice in England was bound seven years at least: that my friends
would have done better if they had made me a weaver or shoemaker;
but their pride would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at any
rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary education.
This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my
spirits; but on the contrary, reduced me to such a situation that
I was scarcely able to stand; which being perceived by a plump
gentleman who sat opposite to me with a skull before him, he said,
Mr. Snarler was too severe upon the young man; and, turning towards
me, told me I need not be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm:
then, bidding me take time to recollect myself, he examined me,
touching the operation of the trepan, and was very well satisfied
with my answers. The next person who questioned me was a wag,
who began by asking if I had ever seen amputation performed; and
I replying in the affirmative, he shook his head and said, "What!
upon a dead subject, I suppose?" "If," continued he, "during an
engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with his head shot
off, how would you behave?" After some hesitation, I owned such a
case had never come under my observation, neither did I remember
to have seen any method of care proposed for such an accident, in
any of the systems of surgery I had perused.

Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness
of the question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned
to smile, except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of
the 'animal risible' in his constitution. The facetious member,
encouraged by the success of his last joke, went on thus: "Suppose
you was called to a patient of a plethoric habit, who has been
bruised by a fall, what would you do?" I answered, "I would bleed
him immediately." "What!" said he, "before you had tied up his arm?"
But this stroke of wit not answering his expectation, he desired
me to advance to the gentleman who sat next him; and who, with a
pert air, asked, what method of cure I would follow in wounds of
the intestines. I repeated the method of care as it is prescribed
by the best chirurgical writers, which he heard to an end, and then
said with a supercilious smile, "So you think with such treatment
the patient might recover?" I told him I saw nothing to make me
think otherwise. "That may be," resumed he; "I won't answer for your
foresight, but did you ever know a case of this kind succeed?" I
acknowledged I did not, and was about to tell him I had never seen
a wounded intestine; but he stopt me, by saying, with some precipitation,
"Nor never will! I affirm that all wounds of the intestines, whether
great or small, are mortal." "Pardon me, brother," says the fat
gentleman, "there is very good authority--" Here he was interrupted
by the other with--"Sir, excuse me, I despise all authority--Nullius
in verbo--I stand on my own bottom." "But sir, sir," replied his
antagonist, "the reason of the thing shows--" "A fig for reason,"
cries this sufficient member; "I laugh at reason; give me ocular
demonstratio." The corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and
observed, that no man acquainted with the anatomy of the parts
would advance such an extravagant assertion.  This inuendo enraged
the other so much, that he started up, and in a furious tone
exclaimed: "What, Sir! do you question my knowledge in anatomy?"

By this time, all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or
other of the disputants, and raised their voices altogether, when
the chairman commanded silence, and ordered me to withdraw. In
less than a quarter of an hour, I was called in again, received my
qualification scaled up, and was ordered to pay five shillings. I
laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and stood some time, until
one of them bade me begone; to this I replied, "I will when I have
got my change:" upon which another threw me five shillings and
sixpence, saying, I should not be a true Scotchman if I went away
without my change. I was afterwards obliged to give three shillings
and sixpence to the beadles, and a shilling to an old woman who
swept the hall: this disbursement sank my finances to thirteen-pence
halfpenny, with which I was sneaking off, when Jackson, perceiving
it, came up to me, and begged I would tarry for him, and he would
accompany me to the other end of the town, as soon as his examination
should be over. I could not refuse this to a person that was so
much my friend; but I was astonished at the change of his dress
which was varied in half-an-hour from what I have already described
to a very grotesque fashion. His head was covered with an old
smoke tie-wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a slouched
hat over it, which would have very well become a chimney-sweeper,
or a dustman; his neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends
of which he had twisted, and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby
greatcoat that wrapped up his whole body; his white silk stockings
were converted into black worsted hose: and his countenance was
rendered venerable by wrinkles, and a beard of his own painting.
When I expressed my surprise at this metamorphosis, he laughed,
and told me it was done by the advice and assistance of a friend,
who lived over the way, and would certainly produce something very
much to his advantage; for it gave him the appearance of age, which
never fails of attracting respect. I applauded his sagacity, and
waited with impatience for the effects of it. At length he was called
in; but whether the oddness of his appearance excited a curiosity
more than small in the board, or his behaviour was not suitable to
his figure, I know not, he was discovered to be an imposter, and
put into the hands of the beadle in order to be sent to Bridewell.
So that instead of seeing him come out with a cheerful countenance,
and a surgeon's qualification in his hand, I perceived him led
through the outer hall as a prisoner; and was very much alarmed,
and anxious to know the occasion; when he called with a lamentable
voice, and a piteous aspect to me, and some others who know him,
"For God's sake, gentlemen bear witness that I am the same individual
John Jackson who served as surgeon's second mate on board the
Elizabeth, or else I shall go to Bridewell!"

It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit that ever
lived to have refrained from laughing at his appearance and address:
we therefore indulged ourselves a good while at his expense, and
afterwards pleaded his cause so effectually with the beadle who
was gratified with half-a-crown, that the prisoner was dismissed,
and in a few moments renewed his former gaiety--swearing, since the
board had refused his money, he would spend every shilling before
he went to bed, in treating his friends; at the same time inviting
us all to favour him with our company. It was now ten o'clock at
night, and, as I had a great way to walk through streets that were
utterly unknown to me, I was prevailed on to be of their party, in
hopes he would afterwards accompany me to my lodgings, according
to his promise. He conducted me to his friend's house, who kept a
tavern over the way where we continued drinking punch, until the
liquor mounted up to our heads, and made us all extremely frolicsome.
I, in particular, was so much elevated, that nothing would serve
me but a wench; at which demand Jackson expressed much joy, and
assured me I should have my desire before we parted Accordingly, when
he had paid the reckoning, we sallied out, roaring and singing; and
were conducted by our leader to a place of nocturnal entertainment,
where Mr. Jackson's dress attracted the assiduities of two or three
nymphs, who loaded him with caresses, in return for the arrack
punch with which he treated them, till at length sleep began to
exert his power over us all, and our conductor called "To pay." When
the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve shillings, he put
his hand in his pocket, but might have saved himself the trouble,
for his purse was gone. This accident disconcerted him a good deal
at first; but after some recollection, he seized the two ladies who
sat by him, one in each hand, and swore if they did not immediately
restore his money he would charge a constable with them. The good
lady at the bar, seeing what passed, whispered something to the
drawer, who went out; and then with great composure, asked what
was the matter?  Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore if she
refused him satisfaction, he would have her and her female friends
committed to Bridewell. "Robbed!" cried she, "robbed in my house!
Gentlemen and Ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has
scandalised my reputation." At that instant, seeing the constable
and watch enter, she proceeded "What! you must not only endeavour
by your false aspersions to ruin my character, but even commit
an assault upon my family! Mr. Constable, I charge you with this
uncivil person, who has been guilty of a riot here; I shall take
care and bring an action against him for defamation."

While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me
quite sober, one of the ladies, being piqued at some repartee that
passed between us, cried, "They are all concerned!" and desired
the constable to take us all into custody; an arrest which was
performed instantly, to the utter astonishment and despair of us
all, except Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes, was very
little concerned, and charged the constable, in his turn, with the
landlady and her whole bevy; upon which we were carried altogether
prisoners to the round-house, where Jackson after a word of comfort
to us, informed the constable of his being robbed, to which he said
he would swear next morning before the justice. In a little time
the constable, calling Jackson into another room, spoke to him
thus: "I perceive that you and your company are strangers, and am
very sorry for your being involved in such an ugly business.  I have
known this woman a great while; she has kept a notorious house in
the neighbourhood this many years; and although often complained
of as a nuisance, still escapes through her interest with the
justices, to whom she and all of her employment pay contribution
quarterly for protection. As she charged me with you first, her
complaint will have the preference, and she can procure evidence
to swear whatsoever she shall please to desire of them; so that,
unless you can make it up before morning, you and your companions
may think yourselves happily quit for a month's hard labour in
Bridewell. Nay, if she should swear a robbery or an assault against
you, you will be committed to Newgate and tried at the next session
at the Old Bailey for your life." This last piece of information
had such an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up,
provided his money might be restored. The constable told him, that,
instead of retrieving what he had lost, he was pretty certain it
would cost him some more before they could come to any composition.
But, however, he had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased,
sound them about a mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked
him for his friendship, and returning to us, acquainted us with the
substance of this dialogue; while the constable, desiring to speak
in private with our adversary, carried her into the next room, and
pleaded, our cause so effectually, that she condescended to make
him umpire: he accordingly proposed an arbitration, to which we
gave our assent; and he fined each party in three shillings, to be
laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned all animosities,
to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who
had been extremely uneasy ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell
and Newgate. By the time we had finished our bowl--to which, by
the bye, I had contributed my last shilling--it was morning, and I
proposed to move homeward, when the constable gave me to understand,
he could discharge no prisoners but by order of the justice, before
whom we must appear. This renewed my chagrin, and I cursed the hour
in which I had yielded to Jackson's invitation.

About nine o'clock, we were escorted to the house of a certain
justice not many miles distant from Covent Garden, who no sooner
saw the constable enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than
he saluted him as follows: "So Mr. Constable. you are a diligent
man. What den of rogues have you been scouring?" Then looking at us,
who appeared very much dejected, he continued: "Ay, ay, thieves.
I see--old offenders; oh, your humble servant, Mrs.  Harridan! I
suppose these fellows have been taken robbing your house. Yes, yes,
here's an old acquaintance of mine. You have used expedition," said
he to me, "in returning from transportation; but we shall save you
that trouble for the future--the surgeons will fetch you from your
next transportation, at their expense." I assured his worship he
was mistaken in me, for he had never seen me in his life before.
To this declaration he replied, "How! you impudent rascal, dare
you say so to my face? Do you think I am to be imposed upon by
that northern accent, which you have assumed? But it shan't avail
you--you shall find me too far north for you.  Here, clerk, write
this fellow's mittimus. His name is Patrick Gaghagan." Here Mr.
Jackson interposed, and told him I was a Scotchman lately come to
town, descended of a good family, and that my name was Random. The
justice looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory,
on which he valued himself exceedingly; and strutting up to Jackson,
with a fierce countenance, put his hands in his side, and said,
"Who are you, sir? Do you give me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen,
here's a fellow who affronts me upon the bench but I'll lay you
fast, sirrah, I will--for notwithstanding your laced jacket, I
believe you are a notorious felon." My friend was so much abashed
at this menace, which was thundered out with great vociferation,
that he changed colour, and remained speechless. This confusion his
worship took for a symptom of guilt, and, to complete the discovery,
continued his threats, "Now, I am convinced you are a thief--your
face discovers it, you tremble all over, your conscience won't lie
still--you'll be hanged, sirrah," raising his voice, "you'll be
hanged; and happy had it been for the world, as well as for your
own miserable soul, if you had been detected, and cut off in the
beginning of your career. Come hither, clerk, and take this man's
confession." I was in an agony of consternation, when the constable,
going into another room with his worship, acquainted him with the
truth of the story; which having learned, he returned with a smiling
countenance, and, addressing himself to us all, said. it was always
his way to terrify young people when they came before him, that his
threats might make a strong impression on their minds, and deter
them from engaging in scenes of riot and debauchery, which commonly
ended before the judge. Thus, having cloaked his own want of
discernment under the disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed,
and I found myself as much lightened as if a mountain had been
lifted off my breast.





CHAPTER XVIII




I carry my qualification to the Navy Office--the nature of it--the
behaviour of the Secretary--Strap's concern for my absence--a battle
betwixt him a blacksmith--the troublesome consequences of it--his
harangue to me--his friend the schoolmaster recommends me to a
French Apothecary, who entertains me as a journeyman


I would most willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my
companions, that we must deliver our letters of qualification at
the Navy office, before one o'clock. Accordingly, we went thither,
and gave them to the secretary, who opened and read them, and I
was mightily pleased to find myself qualified for second mate of a
third-rate. When he had stuck them all together on a file, one of
our company asked if there were any vacancies; to which interrogation
he answered "No!" Then I ventured to inquire if may ships were to
be put in commission soon. At which question he surveyed me with
a look of ineffable contempt; and, pushing us out of his office,
locked the door without deigning us another word. We went down stairs,
and conferred together on our expectations, when I understood that
each of them had been recommended to one or other of the commissioners,
and each of them promised the first vacancy that should fall;
but that none of them relied solely upon that interest, without a
present to the secretary, with whom some of the commissioners went
snacks. For which reason, each of them had provided a small purse;
and I was asked what I proposed to give This was a vexatious question
to me who (far from being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous
secretary) had not wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I therefore
answered, I had not yet determined what to give; and sneaked off
toward my own lodging, lamenting my fate all the way, and inveighing
with much bitterness against the barbarity of my grandfather, and
the sordid avarice of my relations, who left me a prey to contempt
and indigence.

Full of these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house
where I lodged, and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my
account; for this honest man believed I had met with some dismal
accident, and that he never should see me again. Strap, who had
come to visit me in the morning, understanding I had been abroad all
night, was almost distracted, and after having obtained leave of his
master, had gone in quest of me, though he was even more ignorant
of the town than I. Not being willing to inform the landlord of my
adventure, I told him I had met an acquaintance at Surgeons' Hall,
with whom I spent the evening and night; but being very much infested
with bugs, I had not slept much, and therefore intended to take a
little repose; so saying, I went to bed, and desired to be awakened
if Strap should happen to come wile I should be asleep. I was
accordingly roused by my friend himself, who entered my chamber
about three o'clock in the afternoon, and presented a figure to my
eyes that I could scarce believe real. In short, this affectionate
shaver, setting out towards Surgeons' Hall, had inquired for
me there to no purpose: from whence he found his way to the Navy
Office, where he could hear no tidings of me, because I was unknown
to everybody then present; he afterwards went upon 'Change, in
hopes of seeing me upon the Scotch walk, but without success. At
last, being almost in despair of finding me, he resolved to ask
everybody he met in the street, if perchance anyone could give him
information about me! and actually put his resolution in practice,
in spite of the scoffs, curses, and reproaches with which he was
answered; until a blacksmith's 'prentice seeing him stop a porter
with a burden on his back, and hearing his question, for which he
received a hearty curse, called to him, and asked if the person
he inquired after was not a Scotchman? Strap replied with great
eagerness, "Yes, and had on a brown coat, with long skirts." "The
same!" said the blacksmith. "I saw him pass by an hour ago," "Did
you so?" cried Strap, rubbing his hands, "Odd! I am very glad of
that--which way went he?" "Towards Tyburn in a cart," said he, "if
you make good speed, you may get thither time enough to see him
hanged." This piece of wit incensed my friend to such a degree,
that he called the blacksmith scoundrel, and protested he would
fight him for half-a-farthing.  "No, no!" said the other, stripping;
"I'll have none of your money--you Sootchmen seldom carry anything
about you; but I'll fight you for love." Were was a ring immediately
formed by the mob: and Strap, finding he could not get off honourably
without fighting, at the same time burning with resentment against
his adversary, quitted his clothes to the care of the multitude,
and the battle began with great violence on the side of Strap, who
in a few minutes exhausted his breath and spirits on his patient
antagonist, who sustained the assault with great coolness, till
finding the barber quite spent, he returned the blows he had lent
him, with such interest, that Strap, after having received three
falls on the hard stones, gave out, and allowed the blacksmith to
be the better man.

The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar
hard by, and drink friends. But when my friend began to gather up
his clothes, he perceived that some honest person or other had made
free with his shirt, neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried
off; and probably his coat and waistcoat would have met with the
same fate, had they been worth stealing. It was in vain for him to
make a noise, which only yielded mirth to the spectators; he was
fain to get off in this manner, which he accomplished with much
difficulty and appeared before me all besmeared with blood and
dirt. Notwithstanding this misfortune, such was his transport at
finding me safe and sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk
me to death with his embraces. After he had cleaned himself, and
put on one of my shirts, and a woollen.  nightcap, I recounted to
him the particulars of my night's campaign, which filled him with
admiration, and made him repeat with great energy an observation
which was often in his mouth, namely, 'that surely London is the
devil's drawing-room.' As neither of us had dined, he desired me
to get up, and the milkwoman coming round at that instant, he went
downstairs, and brought up a quart, with a penny loaf, on which we
made a comfortable meal. He then shared his money with me, which
amounted to eighteen-pence, and left me with an intention to borrow
an old wig and hat of his friend the schoolmaster.

He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my situation with
great uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could
suggest, in order to choose and pursue some one that would procure
me bread; for it is impossible to express the pangs I felt, when
I reflected on the miserable dependence in which I lived at the
expense of a poor barber's boy, My pride took the alarm, and having
no hopes of succeeding at the Navy Office, I came to a resolution
of enlisting in the foot-guards next day, be the event what it
would. This extravagant design, by flattering my disposition, gave
great satisfaction; and I was charging the enemy at the head of
my own regiment, when Strap's return interrupted my reverie. The
schoolmaster had made him a present of the tie-wig which he wore,
when I was introduced to him, together with an old hat, whose brims
would have overshadowed a Colossus. Though Strap had ventured to
wear them in the dusk, he did not choose to entertain the mob by
day; therefore went to work immediately, and reduced them both to
a moderate size. While he was employed in this office, he addressed
me thus: "To be sure, Mr. Random, you are born a gentleman, and
have a great deal of learning--and, indeed, look like a gentleman;
for, as to person, you may hold up your head with the best of them.
On the other hand, I am a poor but honest cobbler's son: my mother
was as industrious a woman as ever broke bread, till such time as
she took to drinking, which you very well know; but everybody has
failings--Humanum est errare. Now myself, I am a poor journeyman
barber, tolerably well made and understand some Latin, and have a
smattering of Greek; but what of that? Perhaps I might also say,
that I know a little of the world; but that is to no purpose,--though
you be gentle, and I simple, it does not follow, but that I who
am simple may do a good office to you who are gentle. Now this is
the case: my kinsman, the schoolmaster--perhaps you did not know he
how nearly he is related to me--I'll satisfy you in that presently;
his mother and my grandmother's sister's nephew--no, that's not
it!--my grandfather's brother's daughter--rabbit it! I have forgot
the degree. But this I know, he and I are cousins seven times
removed." My impatience to know the good office he had done me, got
the better of my temper, and I interrupted him at this place with
the exclamation, "If the schoolmaster or you can be of any advantage
to me, why don't you tell me without all this preamble?" When I
pronounced these words with some vehemence, Strap looked at me for
same time with a grave countenance, and then went on: "I'm very
sorry to see such an alteration in your temper of late; you were
always fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed as old Periwinkle
the drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive us!) played so
many unlucky tricks while we were at school--but I will no longer
detain you in suspense, because (doubtless) nothing is more uneasy
than doubt--Dubio procul dubio nil dubius. My friend or relation,
or which you will, or both, the schoolmaster, being informed of
the regard I have for you; for you may be sure I did not fail to
let him know of your good qualities--by the bye, he has undertaken
to teach you the pronunciation of the English tongue, without which,
he says, you will be unfit for business in this country--I say my
relation has spoke in your behalf to a French apothecary who wants a
journeyman; and on his recommendation you may have fifteen pounds
a year, bed and board, whenever you please." I was too much interested
in this piece of news to entertain it with indifference; but,
jumping up, insisted on Strap's immediately accompanying me to the
house of his friend, that I might not lose this opportunity through
the least delay or neglect on my part.

We were informed, that the schoolmaster was in company at a publichouse
in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking
with the very individual apothecary in question. When he was called
to the door at our desire, and observed my impatience, he broke out
into his usual term of admiration. "Oh! I suppose, when you heard
of this offer, you did not take leisure enough to come downstairs,
but leaped out of the window: did you overturn no porter nor
oyster-woman in your way? It was a mercy of God you did not knock
your brains out against some post in your career. Oh, my conscience!
I believe, had I been in the inmost recesses of my habitation--the
very penetralia--your eagerness would have surmounted bolts, bars,
decency, and everything. The den of Cacus, or sanctum sanctorum,
could not have hid me from you. But come along the gentleman of
whom I spoke is in the house; I will present you to him forthwith."
When I entered the room, I perceived four or five people smoking,
one of whom the schoolmaster accosted thus: "Mr. Lavement, here's
the young man of whom I spoke to you." The apothecary, who was a
little old withered man, with a forehead about an inch high, a nose
turned up at the end, large cheek-bones that helped to form a pit
for his little gray eyes, a great bag of loose skin hanging down on
each side in wrinkles, like the alforjos of a baboon, and a mouth
so much accustomed to that contraction which produces grinning, that
he could not pronounce a syllable without discovering the remains
of his teeth, which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly,
by anatomists, called canine.  This person, I say, after having
eyed me some time, said, "Oho, 'tis ver well, Monsieur Concordance;
young man, you are ver welcome, take one coup of bierre--and come
to mine house to-morrow morning; Monsieur Concordance vil show you
de way." Upon this I made my bow, and as I went out of the room
could hear him say, "Ma foi! c'est un beau garcon; c'est un gaillard."

As I had by my own application, while I served Crab, acquired the
French tongue well enough to read authors written in that language
and understand anything that occurred in conversation, I determined
to pretend ignorance to my new master, that he and his family,
whom I supposed to be of the same country, not being on the reserve
before me, I might possibly discover something in discourse,
which would either yield me amusement or advantage. Next morning
Mr.  Concordance carried me to the apothecary's house, where the
bargain was made, and orders given to provide an apartment for me
immediately. But before I entered upon business. the schoolmaster
recommended me to his tailor, who gave me credit for a suit of
clothes, to be paid out of the first moiety of my wages, and they
were begun upon that very day; he afterwards accommodated me with
a new hat on the same term: so that in a few days I hoped to make
a very fashionable appearance. In the meantime, Strap conveyed
my baggage to the place allotted for me, which was a back room up
two pair of stairs, furnished with a pallet for me to lie upon, a
chair without a back, a bottle by way of candlestick, and a triangular
piece of glass instead of a mirror; the rest of its ornaments having
been lately removed to one of the garrets, for the convenience of
the servant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor.





CHAPTER XIX




The character of Mr. Lavement, his wife and daughter--some anecdotes
of the family--the mother and daughter rivals--I am guilty of a
mistake that gives me present satisfaction, but is attended with
troublesome consequences


Next day. while I was at work in the shop, a bouncing damsel well
dressed came on pretence of finding a vial for some use or other;
and taking an opportunity, when she thought I did not mind her,
of observing me narrowly, went away with a silent look of disdain.
I easily guessed her sentiments, and my pride took the resolution
of entertaining the same indifference and neglect towards her.
At dinner the maids, with whom I dined in the kitchen, gave me to
understand that this was my master's only daughter, who would have
a very handsome fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a
great many young gentlemen made their addresses to her--that she
had been twice on the brink of marriage, but disappointed by the
stinginess of her father, who refused to part with a shilling to
promote the match; for which reason the young lady did not behave to
her father with all the filial veneration that might be expected.
In particular she harboured the most perfect hatred for his
countrymen; in which disposition she resembled her mother, who was
an English-woman; and, by the hints they dropped, I learned the
gray mare was the better horse--that she was a matron of a high
spirit, which was often manifested at the expense of her dependents;
that she loved diversions, and looked upon miss as her rival in all
parties--which was indeed the true cause of her disappointments;
for had the mother been hearty in her interest, the father would not
have ventured to refuse her demands. Over and above this intelligence,
I, of myself, soon made more discoveries.  Mr. Lavement's significant
grins at his wife, while she looked another way, convinced me that
he was not at all content with his lot; and his behaviour in presence
of the captain made me believe his chief torment was jealousy. As
for my own part, I was considered in no other light than that of a
menial servant, and had been already six days in the house without
being honoured with one word from either mother or daughter; the
latter (as I understood from the maids) having at table one day
expressed some surprise that her papa should entertain such an
awkward mean-looking journeyman. I was nettled at this piece of
information, and next Sunday (it being my turn to take my diversion)
dressed myself in my new clothes to the greatest advantage, and,
vanity apart, made no contemptible figure.

After having spent most part of the day in company with Strap and
some of his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was
let in by miss, who not knowing me, dropped a low curtsey as I
advanced, which I returned with a profound bow, and shut the door.
By the time I had turned about, she had perceived her mistake, and
changed colour, but did not withdraw. The passage being narrow, I
could not get away without jolting her; so I was forced to remain
where I was with my eyes fixed to the ground, and my face glowing
with blushes. At length, her vanity coming to her assistance,
she went away tittering, and I could hear her pronounce the word
'creature!' From this day forward, she came into the shop fifty
times, every day upon various pretences, and put in practice so
many ridiculous airs, that I could easily perceive her opinion of
me was changed, and that she did not think me altogether an unworthy
conquest. But my heart was so steeled against her charms by pride
and resentment, which were two chief ingredients in my disposition,
that I remained insensible to all her arts; and notwithstanding
some advances she made, could not be prevailed upon to yield her
the least attention. This neglect soon banished all the favourable
impressions she felt for me, and the rage of a slighted woman took
place in her heart; this she manifested not only in all the suggestions
her malice could invent to my prejudice with her father, but also
in procuring for me such servile employments as she hoped would
sufficiently humble my spirit. One day in particular, she ordered
me to brush my master's coat; but I refusing, a smart dialogue
ensued, which ended in her bursting into tears of rage; when her
mother interposing, and examining into the merits of the cause,
determined it in my favour: and this good office I owed not to any
esteem or consideration she had for me, but solely to the desire
of mortifying her daughter, who on this occasion observed, that
let people be never so much in the right, there were some folks
who would never do them justice, but, to be sure, they had their
reasons for it, which some people were ignorant of, although they
despised their little arts. This insinuation of some people and
some folks put me upon observing the behaviour of my mistress more
narrowly for the future: and it was not long before I had reason
to believe that she looked upon her daughter as a rival in the
affections of Captain O'Donnell, who lodged in the house.

In the meantime, my industry and knowledge gained me the goodwill
of my master, who would often say in French, "Mardy! c'est un bon
garcon." He had a great deal of business; but he was mostly employed
among his fellow refugees, his profits were small.  However, his
expense for medicines was not great; for he was the most expert man
at a succedaneum of any apothecary in London, so that I have been
sometimes amazed to see him, without the least hesitation, make up
a physician's prescription, though he had not in his shop one medicine
mentioned in it. Oyster-shells he could convert into crab's eyes;
common oil into oil of sweet almonds; syrup of sugar into balsamic
syrup; Thames water into aqua cinnamoni; and a hundred more costly
preparations were produced in an instant, from the cheapest and
coarsest drugs of the materia medica: and when any common thing was
ordered for a patient, he always took care to disguise it in colour
or taste, or both, in such a manner that it could not possibly be
known; for which purpose cochineal and oil of cloves were of great
service. Mr.  Lavement had attempted more than once to introduce
a vegetable diet into his family, by launching out into the praise
of roots and greens, and decrying the use of flesh, both as a
physician and philosopher; but all his rhetoric could not make one
proselyte to his opinion, and even the wife of his bosom declared
against the proposal.

One afternoon, when her husband was abroad. and his daughter gone
to visit, this lady ordered me to call a hackney-coach, in which
she and the captain drove towards Covent Garden. Miss came home
in the evening, and, supping at her usual hour, went to bed. About
eleven o'clock my master entered, and asked if his wife was gone to
sleep: upon which I told him, my mistress went out in the afternoon,
and was not yet returned. This was like a clap of thunder to the
poor apothecary, who starting back, cried, "Mort de ma vie! vat
you tell a me? My vife not at home!" At that instant a patient's
servant arrived with a prescription for a draught, which my master
taking, went into the shop to make it up with his own hand. While
he rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he inquired of me,
whether or no his wife went out alone; and no sooner heard that
she was in company with the captain, than with one blow he split
the mortar into a thousand pieces, and grinning like the head of a
bass viol, exclaimed, "Ah, traitresse!" It would have been impossible
for me to have preserved my gravity a minute longer, when I was
happily relieved by a rap at the door, which I opened, and perceived
my mistress coming out of the coach. She flounced immediately into
the shop, and addressed her husband thus: "I suppose you thought I
was lost, my dear. Captain O'Donnell has been so good as to treat
me with a play." The reply, it may be supposed, was anything but
courteous but the captain, who had been all the time at the door
discharging the coach, entered, and Mr.  Lavement, changing his
tone, saluted him with all the usual politesse of a Frenchman.

Shortly after this event, by the knowledge which I acquired of the
family secrets, my life became much more agreeable; and as I every
day improved in my knowledge of the town I shook off my awkward
air by degrees, and acquired the character of a polite journeyman
apothecary.





CHAPTER XX




I am assaulted and dangerously wounded-suspect O'Donnell, and am
confirmed in my opinion--concert a scheme of revenge, and put it
into execution--O'Donnell robs his own servant and disappears--make
my addresses to a lady, and am miraculously delivered from her
snare


One night, at about twelve o'clock, as I returned from visiting
a patient at Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an unseen
hand, that stretched me senseless on the ground; and was left for
dead with three stabs of a sword in my body. The groans I uttered
when I recovered the use of my reason alarmed the people of a
solitary alehouse that stood near the spot where I lay: and they
were humane enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who
dressed my wounds, and assured me they were not mortal. One of them
penetrated through the skin and muscles of one side of my belly in
such a manner, that doubtless the assassin imagined he had run me
through the entrails. The second slanted along one of my ribs; and
the last, which was intended for the finishing stroke, having been
directed to my heart, the sword snapped upon my breast-bone, and
the point remained sticking in the skin. When I reflected upon this
event, I could not persuade myself that I had been assaulted by a
common footpad, because it is not usual for such people to murder
though they rob, especially when they meet with no resistance;
and I found my money, and everything else about me but my carcase,
safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have been mistaken
for another, or obliged to the private resentment of some secret
enemy for what had happened; and as I could remember nobody who had
the least cause of complaint against me, except Captain O'Donnell
and my master's daughter, my suspicion settled upon them, though
I took care to conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at
confirmation.

With this view, I went home in the chair about ten o'clock in the
morning; and as the chairman supported me into the house, met the
captain in the passage, who no sooner saw me than he started back
and gave evident signs of guilty confusion, which he would have
accounted for from surprise occasioned by the seeing me in such
a condition. My master having heard my story, condoled me with a
good deal of sympathy, and when he understood my wounds were not
dangerous, ordered me to be carried upstairs to bed; though not
without some opposition from his wife, who was of opinion that it
would be better for me to go to an hospital, where I should be more
carefully attended. My meditation was employed in concerting with
myself some method of revenge against Squire O'Donnell and his
inamorata, whom I looked upon as the author of my misfortune; when
miss, who was not at home at my arrival, entered my chamber, and
saying she was sorry for the accident that had befallen me, asked
if I suspected anybody to be the assassin; upon which I fixed my
eyes steadfastly upon her and answered, "Yes." She discovered no
symptom of confusion, but replied hastily, "If that be the case,
why don't you take out a warrant, to have him apprehended? It
will cost but a trifle--if you have no money, I'll lend you." This
frankness not only cured me of my suspicion with respect to her,
but even staggered my belief with regard to the captain, of whose
guilt I resolved to have further proof before I should enterprise
anything in the way of revenge. I thanked her kindly for her
generous offer, which, however, I had no occasion to accept, being
determined to do nothing rashly: for though I could plainly perceive
the person who attacked me to be a soldier, whose face I thought
was familiar to me, I could not swear with a safe conscience to
any particular man; and, granting I could, my prosecution of him
would not much avail.

This uncertainty I pretended, lest the captain, hearing from her
that I knew the person who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw
before I could be in a condition to requite him. In two days I was
up and able to do a little business, so that Mr.  Lavement made
shift to carry on his practice without hiring another journeyman
in my room.

The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret
enemy, was to get into O'Donnell's apartment, while he was abroad
in an undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being
broken off, I applied the fragment that was found sticking in my
body, and found it answered the fractured part exactly. There was
no room left for doubt; and all that remained was to fix upon a
scheme of revenge, which almost solely engrossed my thoughts during
the space of eight nights and days. Sometimes I was tempted to fall
upon him in the same manner as he had practised upon me, and kill
him outright. But this assault my honour opposed as a piece of
barbarous cowardice, in which he was not to be imitated. At other
times I entertained thoughts of demanding satisfaction in an
honourable way; but was diverted from this undertaking by considering
the uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the injury he had
done me, which did not entitle him to such easy terms. At last I
determined to pursue a middle course, and actually put my design in
execution after this manner. Having secured the assistance of Strap
and two of his acquaintance whom he could depend upon, we provided
ourselves with disguises, and I caused the following letter to be
delivered to him by one of our associates in livery, one Sunday
evening:--

"Sir--If I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it will not
be disagreeable for you to hear that my husband is gone to Bagshot
to visit a patient, and will not return till to-morrow night; so
that, if you have anything to propose to me (as your behaviour on
many occasions has seemed to insinuate), you will do well to embrace
the present opportunity of seeing, Yours, etc." This letter was
signed with the Dame of an apothecary's wife who lived in Chelsea,
of whom I bad heard O'Donnell was an admirer. Everything succeeded
to our wish. The hero hastened towards the place of appointment,
and was encountered by us in the very place where he had assaulted
me. We rushed upon him all at once, secured his sword, stripped
off his clothes even to the skin, which was scourged with nettles
till he was blistered from head to foot, notwithstanding all the
eloquence of his tears and supplications. When I was satisfied with
the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his clothes, which we
hid in a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to find
his way home in the best manner he could, while I took care to be
there before him. I afterwards understood that, in his way to the
lodgings of a friend, who lived in the skirts of the town, he was
picked up by the watch, who carried him to the round-house, from
whence he sent for clothes to his lodgings, and next morning arrived
at the door in a chair, wrapt up in a blanket he had borrowed; for
his body was so sore and swelled, that he could not bear to be
confined in his wearing apparel. He was treated with the utmost
tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, who vied with each
other in their care and attendance of him; but Lavement himself
could not forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious grins,
while he ordered me to prepare an unguent for his sores. As to
myself, nobody can doubt my gratification, when I had every day
an opportunity of seeing my revenge protracted on the body of my
adversary, by the ulcers of which I had been the cause; and, indeed,
I not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having flea'd him alive,
but another also which I had not foreseen. The story of his being
attacked and stripped in such a place having been inserted in the
news, gave information to those who found his clothes next day,
whither to bring them; and accordingly he retrieved everything he
had lost except a few letters, among which was that which I had
writ to him in the name of the apothecary's wife. This, and the
others, which were all on the subject of love (for this Hibernian
hero was one of those people who are called fortune-hunters), fell
into the hands of a certain female author, famous for the scandal
she has published; who, after having embellished them with some
ornaments of her own invention, gave them to the to town in print.
I was very much shocked on reflection, that I might possibly be the
occasion of a whole family's unhappiness on account of the letter
I had written; but was eased of that apprehension, when I understood
that the Chelsea apothecary had commenced a lawsuit against the
printer for defamation, and looked upon the whole as a piece of
forgery committed by the author, who had disappeared. But whatever
might he his opinion of the matter, our two ladies seemed to entertain
a different idea of it: for as soon as the pamphlet appeared, I
could perceive their care of their patient considerably diminish,
till at last it ended in a total neglect. It was impossible for
him to be ignorant of this change, any more than of the occasion
of it; but as he was conscious to himself of having deserved worse
than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply,
and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against
the apothecary, who, as he imagined, having got an inkling of the
appointment with his wife, had taken revenge of him in the manner
described. By the time he had got a new scarf skin his character
was become so notorious, that he thought it high time for him to
decamp; and his retreat he performed in one night, without beat
of drum, after having robbed his own servant of everything that
belonged to him except the clothes he had on his back.

A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own security,
took into his custody a large old trunk which he had left; and as
it was very heavy, made no question that the contents were sufficient
to indemnify him for what O'Donnell owed in lodging. But a month
being elapsed without hearing any tidings of this adventurer, and
my master being impatient to know what the trunk contained, he ordered
me to break it open in his presence, which task I performed with
the pestle of our great mortar, and discovered, to his inexpressible
astonishment and mortification, a heap of stones.

About this time, my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to
go abroad with a gentleman in quality of valet de chambre and at
the same time assured me that, whatever advantage he might propose
to himself from this prospect, he could not bear the thoughts of
parting from me, so much was he attached to my fortune. In spite of
all the obligations I owed to this poor, honest fellow, ingratitude
is so natural to the heart of man, that I began to be tired of
his acquaintance: and now that I had contracted other friendships
which appeared more creditable, was even ashamed to see a journeyman
barber inquiring after me with the familiarity of a companion.
I therefore, on pretence of consulting his welfare, insisted upon
his accepting the proposal, which he at last determined to embrace,
with great reluctance, and in a few days, took his leave of me,
shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold without emotion.
I now began to look upon me as of a gentleman in reality; learned
to dance, frequented plays during the holidays; became the oracle
of an ale-house, where every dispute was referred to my decision;
and at length contracted an acquaintance with a young lady, who found
means to make a conquest of my heart, and upon whom I prevailed,
after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise of
marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I
blessed my good fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning
all my wishes by matrimony, when I made such a discovery as
effectually turned me from my design, and I abandoned all thoughts
of marriage for the future.





CHAPTER XXI




Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my master--is involved in a
troublesome affair, out of which he is extricated by me--he marries
my master's daughter--they conspire against me--I am found guilty
of theft, discharged--deserted by my friends, I hire a room in
St.  Gile's--where, by accident, I find the lady to whom I paid my
addresses in a miserable condition--I relieve her


When I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Lavement let
his first floor to my countryman and acquaintance, Squire Gawky, who
by this time had got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial
ferocity in his appearance that I was afraid he would remember
what happened between us in Scotland, and atone for his breach of
appointment then by his punctuality now; but whether he had actually
forgot me, or was willing to make me believe so, he betrayed not the
least symptom of recognition at sight of me, and I remained quite
cured of my apprehension; though I had occasion not long after to
be convinced, that howsoever his externals might be altered, he was
at bottom the same individual Gawky, whom I have already described.
For coming home late one night from the house of a patient, I
heard a noise in the street, and as I approached.  perceived two
gentlemen in custody, of three watchmen. The prisoners, who were
miserable, disfigured with dirt, complained bitterly of the loss of
their hats and wigs; and one of them, whom by his tongue I know
to be a Scotchman, lamented most piteously, offering a guinea
for his liberty, which the watchman refused, alleging that one of
his companions was wounded grievously, and that he must stand to
the consequence. My prejudice in favour of my native country was
so strong, that I could not bear to see anybody belonging to it
in distress, and therefore, with one blow of my faithful cudgel,
knocked down the watchman who had hold of the person for whom I
was chiefly concerned. He was no sooner disengaged, than he betook
himself to his heels, and left me to maintain the dispute as I should
think proper; and, indeed, I came off but scurvily, for, before I
could avail myself of my speed, I received a blow on the eye, from
one of the other two, that had well nigh deprived me of the use of
that organ. However, I made shift to get home, where I was informed
of Captain Gawky's being robbed and abused by a company of footpads,
and was ordered by my master to prepare an emollient glyster and
paregoric draught, in order to allay and compose the ferment of his
spirits, occasioned by the barbarous treatment he had undergone,
while he took twelve ounces of blood from him immediately.

When I inquired into the particulars of this adventure, and
understood by the servant that he came in just before me, without
hat and wig, I made no scruple of believing him to be the person
I had released, and was confirmed in my belief upon hearing his
voice, to which (before that event) I had long been a stranger.

My eye being considerably swelled and inflamed, I could not reflect
upon my enterprise without cursing my own folly, and even resolving
to declare the truth the truth of the whole story in order to be
revenged on the cowardly wretch for whom I had suffered: accordingly,
next day after he had told, in presence of my master, his wife and
daughter, who came to him, a thousand lies concerning the prowess
he had shown in making his escape, I ventured to explain the mystery,
and, calling in the evidence of my contused eye, upbraided him with
cowardice and ingratitude. Gawky was so astonished at this that
he could not answer one word, and the rest of the company stared
at one another; till at length my mistress reprimanded me for my
insolent behaviour, and threatened to turn me away for my presumption.
Upon which, Gawky (having recollected himself) observed, as the
young man might have mistaken another person for him, he could
forgive his insinuations, more especially as he seemed to have
suffered for his incivility; but advised me to be more certain in
my conjectures for the future, before I ventured to publish them to
the prejudice of any man. Miss applauded the Captain's generosity in
pardoning one who had so villainously aspersed him, and I began to
imagine her praise was not at all disinterested. But the apothecary,
who perhaps had more penetration or less partiality than his wife
and daughter, differed from them in their sentiments of the matter,
and expressed himself to me in the shop in this manner: "Ah mon
pauvre Roderique! you have more of de veracite dan of de prudence--bot
mine vife and dater be diablement sage, and Monsieur le Capitaine
un fanfaron, pardieu!"

This eulogium on his wife and daughter, though spoken ironically
by him, was nevertheless literally just; by espousing the cause of
Gawky, the one obliged a valuable lodger, and the other acquired a
husband at a juncture when one was absolutely necessary. The young
lady insinuated herself so artfully into the affection of this
new lodger, that in less than a fortnight, on pretence of going to
the play, they drove away together to the Fleet, where they were
married; and in the morning came home, where they asked her father's
and mother's blessing. The prudent parents, notwithstanding the
precipitation with which the match was carried on, did not think fit
to refuse their approbation; for the apothecary was not ill pleased
to find his daughter married to a young man of a good prospect,
who had not mentioned one syllable on the article of her dowry; and
his wife was rejoiced at being rid of a rival and a spy upon her.
Whatever face Gawky put on the matter, my discovery of the adventure
before related, and the reproaches I vented against him, had stung
him to the soul, and cherished the seeds of enmity so strongly in
his breast, that he imparted his indignation to his wife, who being
as desirous as himself to accomplish the ruin of one that not only
slighted her caresses, but was able on any occasion to discover
particulars not at all advantageous to her character, readily
joined in a conspiracy against me, which (had it taken effect as
they expected) would infallibly have brought me to an ignominious
death.

My master having several times missed large quantities of medicines,
of which I could give no account, at last lost all patience, and
in plain terms taxed me with having embezzled them for my own use.
As I could only oppose my single asseveration to his suspicion,
he told me one day, "Your vord not be give me de satisfaction--me
find necessaire to chercher for my medicine; pardonnez moi--il faut
chercber--me demand le clef of your coffre a cette heure." Then
raising his voice to conceal the fright he was in lest I should
make any opposition, he went on, "Oui! I charge you rendez le clef
of your cofrre--moi--si, moi qui vous parle." I was fired with so
much resentment and disdain at this accusation, that I burst into
tears, which he took for a sign of guilt; and pulling out my key,
told him he might satisfy himself immediately, though he would
not find it so easy to satisfy me for the injury my reputation had
suffered from his unjust suspicion. He took the key and mounted
up to my chamber, attended by the whole family, saying, "Eh bien,
nous verrons--nous verrons." But what was my horror and amazement,
when, opening my chest, he pulled out a handful of the very things
that were missing, and pronounced, "Ah, ha, vous etes bienvenu--mardy,
Mons. Roderique, you be fort innocent!" I had not power to utter
one word in my own vindication, but stood motionless and silent,
while everybody present made their respective remarks on what appeared
against me. The servants said they were sorry for my misfortune,
and went away repeating, "Who would have thought it?" My mistress
took occasion from this detection to rail against the practice of
employing strangers in general; and Mrs. Gawky, after having observed
that she never had a good opinion of my fidelity, proposed to have
me carried before the justice and committed to Newgate immediately.
Her husband was actually upon the stairs in his way for a constable,
when Mr. Lavement knowing the cost ant trouble of a prosecution
to which he must bind himself, and at the same time dreading lest
some particulars of my confession might affect his practice, called
out. "Restez, mon fils! restez, it be veritablement one grand crime
which dis pauvre diable have committed--bot peut-etre de good God
give him de penitence, and me vill not have upon mine head de blood
of one sinner." The captain and his lady used all the Christian
arguments their zeal could suggest to prevail upon the apothecary
to pursue me to destruction, and represented the injustice he did
to the community of which he was a member, in letting a villain
escape, who would not fail of doing more mischief in the world
when he should reflect on his coming off so easily now; but their
eloquence made no impression on my master, who turning to me said,
"Go, miserable, go from mine house quick, quick!--and make reparation
for your mauvaise actions." By this time my indignation had roused
me from the stupefaction in which I had hitherto remained and I
began in this manner:--"Sir, appearances I own condemn me; but you
are imposed upon as much as I am abused: I have fallen a sacrifice
to the rancour of that scoundrel" (pointing to Gawky) "who has found
means to convey your goods hither, that the detection of them might
blast my reputation, and accomplish my destruction. His hatred
to me is owing to a consciousness of his having wronged me in
my own country--for which injury he in a cowardly manner, refused
me the satisfaction of a gentleman; he knows, moreover, that I am
no stranger to his dastardly behaviour in this town, which I have
recounted before, and he is unwilling that such a testimony of his
ingratitude and pusillanimity should live upon the earth; for this
reason he is guilty of the most infernal malice to bring about my
ruin. And I am afraid, madam (turning to Mrs. Gawky) you have too
easily entered into the sentiments of your husband. I have often
found you my enemy, and am well acquainted with the occasion of
your being so, which I don't at present think proper to declare;
but I would advise you, for your own sake, not to drive me to
extremity." This address enraged her so much that with a face as
red us scarlet and the eyes of a fury, she strutted up to me and
putting her hands in her side, spat in my face, saying, I was a
scandalous villain, but she defied my malice; and that unless her
papa would not prosecute me like a thief as I was, she would not
stay another night under his roof. At the same time, Gawky assuming
a big look, told me, he scorned what lies I could invent against
him; but that, if I pretended to asperse his wife, he would put
me to death, To this threat I answered, "I wish I could meet with
thee in a desert, that I might have an opportunity of punishing
thee for thy perfidy towards me, and rid the world of such a rascal.
What hinders me this moment," said I, seizing an old bottle that
stood by, "from doing myself that justice?" I had no sooner armed
myself in this manner, than Gawky and his father-in-law retired in
such a hurry, that the one overturned the other, and they rolled
together down stairs, while my mistress swooned away with fear,
and her daughter asked if I intended to murder her. I gave her
to understand, that nothing was farther from my intention, that I
would leave her to the stings of her own conscience; but was firmly
resolved to slit her husband's nose, whenever fortune should offer
a convenient opportunity. Then going down stairs, I met Lavement
coming up trembling with the pestle in his hand, and Gawky behind
armed with his sword, pushing him forward. I demanded a parley:
and having assured him of my pacific disposition, Gawky exclaimed,
"Ah, villain! you have killed my dear wife." And the apothecary
cried, "Ah, coquin! vere is my shild?" "The lady," said I, "is
above stairs, unhurt by me, and will, a few months hence, I believe
reward your concern." Hero she called to them, and desired they
would let the wretch go, and trouble themselves no further about
him. To which request her father consented, observing, nevertheless,
that my conversation was 'very mysterious.'

Finding it impossible to vindicate my innocence, I left the house
immediately, and went to the schoolmaster, with an intention
of clearing myself to him, and asking his advice with regard to
my future conduct; but, to my inexpressible vexation, he was gone
to the country, where he would stay two or three days. I returned
with a design of consulting some acquaintance I had acquired in the
neighbourhood; but my story had taken air through the officiousness
of the servants, and not one of my friends would vouchsafe me a
hearing. Thus I found myself, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much
more deplorable condition than ever: for though I had been formerly
as poor, my reputation was without blemish, and my health unimpaired
till now; but at present my good name was lost, my money gone, my
friends were alienated, my body was infected by an odious distemper;
and my faithful Strap, who alone could yield me pity and assistance,
absent I knew not where.

The first resolution I could take in this melancholy conjuncture,
was to remove my clothes to the house of the person with whom I
had formerly lodged, where I remained two days in hopes of getting
another place by the interest of Mr. Concordance, to whom I made
no doubt of being able to vindicate my character; but in this
supposition I reckoned without my best, for Lavement took care to
be beforehand with me; and when I attempted to explain the whole
affair to the schoolmaster, I found him so prepossessed against
me, that he would scarce hear me to an end; but when I had finished
my justification, shook his head, and beginning with his usual
exclamation said, "That won't go down with me. I am very sorry I
should have the misfortune of being concerned in the affair, but,
however, shall be more cautious for the future. I will trust no man
from henceforward--no, not my father who begat me, nor the brother
who lay with me in my mother's womb: should Daniel rise from the
dead, I would think him an impostor; and were the genius of truth
to appear, would question its veracity!" I told him, that one day
it was possible he might be convinced of the injury I had suffered,
and repent of his premature determination. To which remark he
answered, the proof of my innocence would make his bowels vibrate
with joy; "but till that shall happen," continued he, "I mast beg
to have no manner of connection with you--my reputation is at stake.
I shall be looked upon as your accomplice and abettor--people will
say Jonathan Wild was but a type of me-boys will hoot at me as I
pass along; and the cinder-wenches belch forth reproaches wafted
in a gale impregnated with gin: I shall be notorious--the very butt
of slander, and sink of infamy!" I was not in a humour to relish
the climax of expressions upon which this gentleman valued himself
in all his discourses; but, without any ceremony, took my leave,
cursed with every sentiment of horror which my situation could
suggest. I considered, however, in the intervals of my despondence,
that I must, in some shape suit my expense to my calamitous
circumstances, and with that view hired an apartment in a garret
near St. Giles's, at the rate of nine-pence per week.

I one day, when I sat in this solitary retreat musing upon the
unhappiness of my fate, was alarmed by a groan that issued from s
chamber contiguous to mine, into which I immediately ran, and found
a woman stretched on a miserable truckle bed, without any visible
signs of life. Having applied a smelling bottle to her nose, the
blood began to revisit her cheeks, and she opened her eyes; but,
good heaven! what were the emotions of my soul, when I discovered
her to be the same individual lady who had triumphed over my
heart, and to whose fate I had almost been inseparably joined! Her
deplorable situation filled my breast with compassion. She knew me
immediately; and, straining me gently in her arms, shed a torrent
of tears, which I could not help increasing. At length, casting a
languishing look at me, she pronounced with a feeble voice, "Dear
Mr. Random, I do not deserve this concern at your hands: I am a
vile creature, who had a base design upon your person--suffer me,
to expiate that, and all my other crimes, by a miserable death,
which will not fail to overtake me in a few hour." I encouraged
her as much as I could, told her I forgave all her intentions with
regard to me; and that, although my circumstances were extremely low,
I would share my last farthing with her. I begged in the meantime
to know the immediate cause of that fit from which she had just
recovered, and said, I would endeavour by my skill to prevent any more
such attacks. She seemed very much affected with this expression,
took my hand, and pressed it to her lips, saying, "You are too
generous! I wish I could live to express my gratitude--but alas! I
perish for want." Then shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another
swoon. Such extremity of distress must have waked the most obdurate
heart to sympathy and compassion; what effect then must it have
had on mine, that was naturally prone to every tender passion?  I
ran downstairs, and sent my landlady to a chemist's shop for some
cinnamon water, while I, returning to this unfortunate creature's
chamber, used all the means in my power to bring her to herself;
this aim with much difficulty I accomplished, and made her drink
a glass of the cordial to recruit her spirits: then I prepared a
little mulled red vine and a toast, which having taken, she found
herself thoroughly revived, and informed me, that she had not tasted
food for eight and forty hours before. As I was impatient to know
the occasion and nature of her calamity, she gave me to understand,
that she was a woman of the town by profession; that in the course
of her adventures she found herself dangerously infected with
a distemper, to which all of her class are particularly subject;
that her malady gaining ground every day, she became loathsome to
herself and offensive to others: when she resolved to retire to
some obscure corner where she might be cured with as little noise
and expense as possible; that she had accordingly chosen this
place of retreat, and put herself into the hands of an advertising
doctor, who having fleeced her of all the money she had, or could
procure, left her three days ago in a worse condition than that in
which he found her; that except the clothes on her back, she had
pawned or sold everything that belonged to her to satisfy that
rapacious quack, and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who still
persisted in her threats to turn her out into the street. After
having moralised upon these particulars, I proposed that she should
lodge in the same room with me, an expedient that would save some
money: and assured her, I would undertake to cure her as well as my
own, during which she should partake of all the conveniences that
I could afford to myself. She embraced my offer with unfeigned
acknowledgment, and I began to put it in practice immediately.
I found her not only an agreeable companion, whose conversation
greatly alleviated my chagrin, but also a careful nurse, who
served me with the utmost fidelity and affection. One day, while I
testified my surprise that a woman of her beauty, good sense, and
education (for she had a large portion of each), could be reduced
to such an infamous and miserable way of life, she answered with
a sigh, "These very advantages were the cause of my undoing." This
remarkable reply inflamed my curiosity to such a degree, that I
begged she would favour me with the particulars of her story, and
she complied in these words.





CHAPTER XXII




The History of Miss Williams


'My father was an eminent merchant in the city who having, in the
course of trade, suffered very considerable losses, retired in
his old age with his wife to a small estate in the country, which
he had purchased with the remains of his fortune. At that time, I
being but eight years of age, was left in town for the convenience
of education, boarded with an aunt, who was a rigid presbyterian,
and confined me so closely to what she called the duties of religion,
that in time I grew weary of her doctrines, and by degrees received
an aversion for the good books, she daily recommended to my perusal.
As I increased in age, and appeared with a person not disagreeable,
I contracted a good deal of acquaintance among my own sex; one
of whom, after having lamented the restraint I was under from the
narrowness of my aunt's sentiments, told me I must now throw off
the prejudices of opinion imbibed under her influence and example,
and learn to think for myself; for which purpose she advised me
to read Shaftsbury, Tindal, Hobbes, and all the authors that are
remarkable for their deviation from the old way of thinking, and
by comparing one with the other, I should soon be able to form a
system of my own. I followed her advice; and whether it was owing
to my prepossession against what I had formerly read, or the
clearness of argument in these my new instructors, I know not; but
I studied them with pleasure, and in a short time became a professed
freethinker. Proud of my improvement, I argued in all companies,
and that with such success, that I soon acquired the reputation
of a philosopher, and few people durst undertake me in a dispute.
I grew vain upon my good fortune, and at length pretended to make
my aunt a proselyte to my opinion; but she no sooner perceived my
drift than, taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account of
my heresy, and conjured him, as he tendered the good of my soul,
to remove me immediately from the dangerous place where I had
contracted such sinful principles. Accordingly, my father ordered
me into the country, where I arrived in the fifteenth year of
my age, and, by his command gave him a detail of all the articles
of my faith, which he did not find so unreasonable as they had
been represented. Finding myself suddenly deprived of the company
and pleasures of the town, I grew melancholy and it was some time
before I could relish my situation. But solitude became every day
more and more familiar to me and I consoled myself in my retreat
with the enjoyment of a good library, at such times as were not
employed in the management of the family (for my mother had been dead
three years), in visiting, or some other party of rural diversion.
Having more imagination than judgment, I addicted myself too much
to poetry and romance; and, in short, was looked upon as a very
extraordinary person by everybody in the country where I resided.

'I had one evening strayed, with a book in my hand, into a wood that
bordered on the high road, at a little distance from my father's
house, when a certain drunken squire, riding by, perceived me, and
crying, "Holloa, there's a charming creature!" alighted in a moment,
caught me in his arms, and treated me so rudely that I shrieked
as loud as I could, and in the meantime opposed his violence with
all the strength that rage and resentment could inspire. During this
struggle, another horseman came up, who, seeing a lady so unworthily
used, dismounted, and flew to my assistance. The squire, mad
with disappointment, or provoked with the reproaches of the other
gentleman, quitted me, and running to his horse, drew a pistol from
the saddle, and fired it at my protector, who happily receiving
no damage, went up, and, with the butt-end of his whip laid him
prostrate on the ground before he could use the other, which his
antagonist immediately seized, and, clapping to the squire's breast,
threatened to put him to death for his cowardice and treachery. In
this dilemma I interposed and begged his life, which was granted
to my request, after he had asked pardon, and swore his intention
was only to obtain a kiss.  However, my defender thought proper to
unload the other pistol, and throw away the flints, before he gave
him his liberty. This courteous stranger conducted me home, where
my father having learned the signal service he had done me, loaded
him with caresses, and insisted on his lodging that night at our
house. If the obligation he had conferred upon me justly inspired
me with sentiments of gratitude, his appearance and conversation
seemed to entitle him to somewhat more, He was about the
age of two-and-twenty, among the tallest of the middle size; had
chestnut-coloured hair, which he wore tied up in a ribbon; a high
polished forehead, a nose inclining to the aquiline, lively blue
eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and a certain openness
of countenance--but why need I describe any more particulars of
his person? I hope you will do me the justice to believe I do not
flatter, when I say he was the exact resemblance of you; and if I
had not been well acquainted with his family and degree, I should
have made no scruple of concluding that you was his brother. He
spoke and seemed to have no reserve: for what he said was ingenuous,
sensible, and uncommon. In short," said she, bursting into tears,
"he was formed for the ruin of our sex. His behaviour was modest
and respectful, but his looks were so significant, that I could
easily observe he secretly blessed the occasion that introduced
him to my acquaintance. We learned from his discourse that he was
the eldest son of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whose
name we were no strangers--that he had been to visit an acquaintance
in the country, from whose house he was returning home, when my
shrieks brought him to my rescue.

'All night long my imagination formed a thousand ridiculous expectations:
there was so much of knight-errantry in this gentleman's coming to
the relief of a damsel in distress, with whom he immediately became
enamoured, that all I had read of love and chivalry recurred to
my fancy; and I looked upon myself as a princess in some region of
romance, who being delivered from the power of some brutal giant
or satyr, by a generous Oroondates, was bound in gratitude, as well
as led by inclination, to yield up my affections to him without
reserve. In vain did I endeavour to chastise these foolish conceits
by reflections more reasonable and severe: the amusing images
took full possession of my mind, and my dreams represented my hero
sighing at my feet, in the language of a despairing lover. Next
morning after breakfast he took his leave, when my father begged
the favour of further acquaintance with him; to which request he
replied by a compliment to him, and a look to me so full of eloquence
and tenderness, that my whole soul received the soft impression. In
a short time he repeated his visit; and as a recital of the particular
steps he pursued to ruin me would be tedious and impertinent, let
it suffice to say, he made it his business to insinuate himself
into my esteem, by convincing me of his own good sense, and at the
same time flattering my understanding. This task he performed in
the most artful manner, by seeming to contradict me often through
misapprehension, that I might have an opportunity of clearing myself
the more to my own honour. Having thus secured my good opinion, he
began to give me some tokens of a particular passion, founded on
a veneration of the qualities of my mind, and, as an accidental
ornament, admired the beauties of my person; till at being fully
persuaded of his conquest, he chose a proper season for the theme,
and disclosed his love in terms so ardent and sincere, that it was
impossible for me to disguise the sentiments of my heart, and he
received my approbation with the most lively transport. After this
mutual declaration, we contrived to meet more frequently in private
interviews, where we enjoyed the conversation of one another, in
all the elevation of fancy and impatience of hope that reciprocal
adoration can inspire. He professed his honourable intentions, of
which I made no question; lamented the avaricious disposition of
his father, who had destined him for the arms of another, and vowed
eternal fidelity with such an appearance of candour and devotion--that
I became a dupe to his deceit. Cursed be the day on which I gave
away my innocence and peace! Cursed be my beauty that first attracted
the attention of the seducer! Cursed be my education, that, by
refining my sentiments, made my heart the more susceptible! Cursed
be my good sense, that fixed me to one object, and taught me the
preference I enjoyed was but my due! Had I been ugly, nobody would
have tempted me; had I been ignorant, the charms of my person would
not have atoned for the coarseness of my conversation; had I been
giddy, my vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my ideas
would have been so diffused, that I should never have listened to
the enchantments of one alone.

But to return to my unfortunate story. After some months, the visits
of my lover became less frequent, and his behaviour less warm: I
perceived his coldness, my heart took the alarm, my tears reproached
him, and I insisted upon the performance of his promise to espouse
me, that, whatever should happen, my reputation might be safe.
He seemed to acquiesce in my proposal, and left me on pretence of
finding a proper clergyman to unite us in the bands of wedlock. But
alas! the inconstant had no intention to return. I waited a whole
week with the utmost impatience; sometimes doubting his honour, at
other times inventing excuses for him, and condemning myself for
harbouring suspicions of his faith. At length I understood from
a gentleman who dined at our house, that this perfidious wretch
was on the point of setting out for London with his bride, to buy
clothes for their approaching nuptials. This information distracted
me! Rage took possession of my soul; I denounced a thousand
imprecations, and formed as many schemes of revenge against the
traitor who had undone me. Then my resentment would subside to
silent sorrow. I recalled the tranquillity I lost, I wept over my
infatuation, and sometimes a ray of hope would intervene, and for
a moment cheer my drooping heart; I would revolve all the favourable
circumstances of his character, repeat the vows he made, ascribe
his absence to the vigilance of a suspicious father who compelled
him to a match his soul abhorred, and comfort myself with the
expectation of seeing him before the thing should be brought to any
terms of agreement. But how vain was my imagination! That villain
left me without remorse, and in a few days the news of his marriage
were spread all over the country. My horror was then inconceivable;
and had not the desire of revenge diverted the resolution, I should
infallibly have put an end to my miserable life. My father observed
the symptoms of my despair: and though I have good reason to believe
he guessed the cause, was at a great deal of pains to seem ignorant
of my affliction, while he endeavoured with parental fondness
to alleviate my distress. I saw his concern, which increased my
anguish, and raised my fury against the author of my calamity to
an implacable degree.

"Having furnished myself with a little money, I made an elopement
from this unhappy parent in the night-time, and about break of
day arrived at a small town, from whence a stage coach set out for
London, in which I embarked, and next day alighted in town; the
spirit of revenge having supported me all the way against every
other reflection, My first care was to hire a lodging, in which I
kept myself very retired, assumed a feigned name, that my character
and situation might be better concealed. It was not long before
I found out the house of my lover, whither I immediately repaired
in a transport of rage, determined to act some desperate deed for
the satisfaction of my despair, though the hurry of my spirits
would not permit me to concert or resolve upon a particular plan.
When I demanded admission to Lothario (so let me call him), I was
desired to send up my name and business; but this I refused, telling
the porter I had business for his master's private ear; upon which
I was conducted into a parlour until he should be informed of my
request. There I remained about a quarter of an hour, when a servant
entered and told me his master was engaged with company, and begged
to be excused at that time. My temper could hold out no longer. I
pulled out a poniard from my bosom, where I had concealed it, and
rushing out flew up stairs like a fury, exclaiming, "Where's this
perfidious villain? could I plunge this dagger into his false
heart, I should then die satisfied!" The noise I made alarmed not
only the servants, but the company also, who hearing my threats
came forward to the staircase to see was the matter. I was seized,
disarmed, and withheld by two footmen; and in this situation felt
the most exquisite torture in beholding my undoer approach with
his young wife. I could not endure the sight, was deprived of my
senses, and fell into a severe fit, during which I know not how
I was treated; but when I recovered the use of reflection, found
myself on a bed in a paltry apartment, where I was attended by
an old woman, who asked a thousand impertinent questions relating
to my condition, and informed me that my behaviour had thrown the
whole family into confusion; that Lothario affirmed I was mad, and
proposed to have me sent to Bedlam; but my lady persuaded herself
there was more in my conduct than he cared should be known, and
had taken to her bed on bare suspicion, having first ordered that
I should be narrowly looked to. I heard all she said without making
any other reply than desiring she would do me the favour to call a
chair; but this she told me could not be done without her master's
consent, which, however, was easily procured, and I was conveyed
to my lodgings in a state of mind that baffles all description.
The agitation of my thoughts produced a fever, which brought on a
miscarriage; and I believe it is well for my conscience that heaven
thus disposed of my burden; for let me own to you with penitence and
horror, if I had brought a living child into the world, my frenzy
would have prompted me to sacrifice the little innocent to my
resentment of the father's infidelity.

"After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate
and calm: when one day my landlady informed me that there was
a gentleman below who desired to see me, he having something of
consequence to impart, which he was sure would contribute to my
peace of mind. I was exceedingly alarmed at this declaration, which
I attempted to interpret a thousand ways; and before I came to any
determination he entered my room, with an apology for intruding
without my knowledge or consent. I surveyed him some time, and
not being able to recollect his face, demanded, with a faltering
accent, what his business was with me? Upon which he desired I would
give him a particular audience, and he did not doubt of communicating
something that would conduce to my satisfaction and repose. As I
thought myself sufficiently guarded against any violence, I granted
his request, and bade the woman withdraw. The stranger, then
advancing, gave me to understand that he was well acquainted with
the particulars of my story, having been informed of them from
Lothario's own mouth--that from the time he knew my misfortunes he
had entertained a detestation for the author of them, which had of
late been increased and inflamed to a desire of revenge, by a piece
of dishonourable conduct towards him--that hearing of my melancholy
situation, he had come with an intention of offering his assistance
and comfort, and was ready to espouse my quarrel, and forthwith
take vengeance on my seducer, provided I would grant him one
consideration, which, he hoped, I should see no reason to refuse.
Had all the artifice of hell been employed in composing a persuasive,
it could not have had a more instantaneous or favourable effect than
this discourse had upon me.  I was transported with a delirium of
gloomy joy. The contract was made; he devoted himself to my revenge,
undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring me an
account of his death before morning. Accordingly, about two of the
clock, he was introduced to my chamber, and assured me that my
perfidious lover was no more: that although he was not entitled
to such an honourable proceeding, he had fairly challenged him to
the field, where he upbraided him with his treachery towards me,
for whom, he told me, his sword was drawn, and after a few passes
left him weltering in his blood. I was so savaged by my wrongs,
that I delighted in the recital of this adventure, made him repeat
the particulars. and feasted my eyes on the blood that remained
on his clothes and sword. My imagination was so engrossed by these
ideas, that in my sleep I dreamed Lothario appeared before me pale,
mangled, and bloody, blamed my rashness, protested his innocence,
and pleaded his cause so pathetically, that I was convinced of
his fidelity, and waked in a fit of horror and remorse. I dropped
asleep again, and the same apparition recurred to my fancy. In short,
I passed the night in great misery, and looked upon my avenger with
such abhorrence, that in the morning, perceiving my aversion, he
insinuated there was still a possibility of Lothario's recovery:
it was quite true he left him wounded on the ground, but not quite
dead, and perhaps his hurts might not be mortal. At these words
I started up, bade him fly for intelligence, and if he could not
bring me tidings of Lothario's safety, at least consult his own, and
never return; for I was resolved to surrender myself to justice, and
declare all I knew of the affair, that, if possible I might expiate
my own guilt, by incurring the rigours of a sincere repentance and
ignominious death. He very coolly represented the unreasonableness
of my prejudice against him, who had done nothing but what his love
of me inspired, and honour justified: that now he had, at the risk
of his life, been subservient to my revenge, I was about to discard
him as an infamous agent, occasionally necessary; and that, even
if he should be so lucky as to bring news of Lothario's safety, it
was probable my former resentment might revive, and I would upbraid
him with having failed in his undertaking. I assured him, that on
the contrary, he should be dearer to me than ever, as I then should
be convinced he acted more on the principles of a man of honour
than on those of a mercenary assassin, and scorned to take away
the life of an adversary, how inveterate soever, which fortune had
put in his power. "Well, then madam," said he, whatever may have
happened, I shall find it no difficult matter to acquit myself in
point of honour;" and took his leave in order to inquire into the
consequences of his duel. I was now more sensible than ever of
the degrees of guilt and misery; all the affliction I had suffered
hitherto was owing to my own credulity and weakness, and my conscience
could only accuse me of venial crimes; but now that I looked upon
myself as a murderer, it is impossible to express the terrors of
my imagination, which was incessantly haunted by the image of the
deceased, and my bosom stung with the most exquisite agonies, of
which I saw no end. At length, Horatio (for so I shall call my new
friend) returned, and telling me I had nothing to fear, delivered
into my hands a billet containing these words.

    "Madam,
    "As I understand it is of consequence to your peace, I take
    this liberty to inform you, that the wounds I received from
    Horatio are not mortal. This satisfaction my humanity could not
    deny, even to a person who has endeavoured to disturb the
    repose as well as the life of
                         Lothario."

'Being well acquainted with this hand, I had no reason to suspect
an imposition in this letter, which I read over and over with
a transport of joy, and caressed Horatio so much that he appeared
the happiest man alive. Thus was I won from despair by the menaces
of a greater misfortune than that which depressed me. Griefs are like
usurpers,--the most powerful deposes all the rest. But my raptures
were not lasting: that very letter which in a manner re-established
my tranquillity, in a little time banished my peace. His unjust
reproaches, while they waked my resentment, recalled my former
happiness, and filled my soul with rage and sorrow. Horatio,
perceiving the situation of my mind, endeavoured to divert my
chagrin, by treating me with all the amusements and entertainments
of the town. I was gratified with every indulgence I could desire;
introduced into the company of women in my own situation, by whom
an uncommon deference was paid to me; and I began to lose all
remembrance of my former condition, when an accident brought it
back to my view with all its interesting circumstances. Diverting
myself one day with some newspapers, which I had not before perused,
the following advertisement attracted my attention:

'"Whereas a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father's house
in the county of --, about the end of September, on account (as
is supposed) of some uneasiness of mind, and has not been as yet
heard of. Whoever will give any information about her to Mr. -- of
Gray's Inn, shall be handsomely rewarded; or if she will return to
the arms of her disconsolate parent, she will be received with the
utmost tenderness, whatever reason she may have to think otherwise,
and may be the means of prolonging the life of a father already
weighed down almost to the grave with age and sorrow."

'This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I was
fully resolved to return, like the prodigal son, and implore the
forgiveness of him who gave me life; but, alas! Upon inquiry, I
found he had paid his debt to nature a month before, lamenting my
absence to his last hour, having left his fortune to a stranger,
as a mark of his resentment of my unkind and undutiful behaviour.
Penetrated with remorse on this occasion, I sank into the most
profound melancholy, and considered myself as the immediate cause
of his death. I lost all relish for company; and, indeed, most of
my acquaintances no sooner perceived my change of temper, than they
abandoned me. Horatio, disgusted at my insensibility, or from some
other cause, became colder and colder every day, till at last he
left me altogether, without making any apology for his conduct,
or securing me against the miseries of want, as a man of honour
ought to have done, considering the share he had in my ruin; for I
afterwards learned, that the quarrel between Lothario and him was
a story trumped up to rid the one of my importunities, and give
the other a recommendation to me, which, it seems, he desired, upon
seeing me at the house of my seducer. Reduced to this extremity, I
cursed my own simplicity, uttered horrid imprecations against the
treachery of Horatio; and. as I became every day more and more
familiarised to the loss of innocence, resolved to be revenged on
the sex in general, by practising their own arts upon themselves.
Nor was an opportunity long wanting: an old gentlewoman, under
pretence of sympathising, visited me, and after having condoled me
on my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested friendship, began
to display the art of her occupation, in encomiums on my beauty,
and invectives against the wretch who had forsaken me; insinuating
withal, that it would be my own fault if I did not still make
my fortune by the extraordinary qualifications with which nature
had endowed me. I soon understood her drift, and gave her such
encouragement to explain herself, that we came to an agreement
immediately to divide whatever profits might accrue from such
gallants as she should introduce to my acquaintance. The first
stroke of my dissimulation was practised upon a certain judge, to
whom I was recommended by this matron as an innocent creature just
arrived from the country.'





CHAPTER XXIII




Miss Williams interrupted by a bailiff, who carries her to the
Marshalsea--I accompany her--prove she is not the person named
in the writ--the bailiff is fain to discharge her--we shift our
lodging--her story, and my reflections thereupon-progress of a
common woman of the town--resolves to quit that way of life


Her story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no
sooner opened, than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, one
of whom accosted my fellow-lodger thus: "Madam, your servant--you
must do me the favour to come along with me, I have a writ against
you." While the bailiff (for so he was) spoke thus, his followers
surrounded the prisoner, and began to handle her very roughly.
This treatment incensed me so much, that I snatched up the poker
and would certainly have used it in defence of the lady, without
any regard to the strength and number of her adversaries, had she
not begged me, with a composure of countenance for which I could
not account, to use no violence on her behalf, which could be of
no service to her, but might be very detrimental to myself. Then
turning to the leader of this formidable troop, she desired to see
the writ, and having perused it, said with a faltering voice, "I
am not the person whose name is here mentioned, arrest me at your
peril." "Ay, ay, madam," replied the catchpole. "We shall prove
your identity. In the meantime, whither will you be pleased to be
carried, to my house, or to jail?" "If I must be confined," said
she, "I would rather be in your house than in a common jail." "Well,
well," answered he, "if you have money enough in your pocket, you
shall be entertained like a princess." But when she acquainted him
with her poverty, he swore he never gave credit, and ordered one
of his myrmidons to call a coach, to carry her to the Marshalsea
at once. While they waited for the convenience, she took me aside,
and bade me be under no concern on her account, for she knew how
to extricate herself from this difficulty very soon, and perhaps
gain something by the occasion. Although her discourse was a mystery
to me, I was very well pleased with her assurance; and when the
coach came to the door, I offered to accompany her to prison, to
which proposal, after much entreaty, she consented.

When we arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conductor
alighted, and having demanded entrance, presented the writ to the
turnkey, who no sooner perceived the name of Elizabeth Cary than
he cried, "Ah, ah: my old acquaintance Bet! I'm glad to see thee
with all my heart." So saying, he opened the coach door, and helped
her to dismount; but when he observed her face, he started back,
saying, "Who have we got here?" The bailiff, alarmed at this
interrogation, cried with some emotion, "Who should it be but the
prisoner, Elizabeth Cary?" The turnkey replied, "That Elizabeth Cary!
I'll be hanged if that's Elizabeth Cary more than my grandmother."
Here the lady thought fit to interpose, and tell the catchpole, if
he had taken her word for it at first, he might have saved himself
and her a great deal of trouble. "It may be so," answered he, "but
I'll have further evidence that you are not the person, before you
and I part." "Yes, yes," said she, "you shall have further evidence,
to your cost." Then we adjourned into the lodge, and called for a
bottle of wine, where my companion wrote a direction to two of her
acquaintance, and begged the favour of me to go to their lodgings,
and request them to come to her immediately. I found them together at
a house in Brydges Street, Drury Lane, and as they were luckily
unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney-coach without
hesitation, after I had related the circumstances of the affair,
which flattered then with hopes of seeing a bailiff trounced; for
there is an antipathy as natural between women of that class and
bailiffs, as that subsisting between mice and cats. Accordingly,
when they entered the lodge, they embraced the prisoner very
affectionately by the name of Nancy Williams, and asked how long
she had been nabbed, and for what? On hearing the particulars of
her adventure repeated, they offered to swear before a justice of
peace that she was not the person mentioned in the writ, whom, it
seems, they all knew; but the bailiff, who was by the time convinced
of his mistake, told them he would not put them to that trouble.
"Ladies," said he, "there's no harm done--you shall give me leave
to treat you with another bottle, and then we'll part friends."
This proposal was not at all relished by the sisterhood: and Miss
Williams told him, sure he did not imagine her such a fool as to
be satisfied with a paltry glass of sour wine? Here the turnkey
interrupted her by affirming with an oath, that the wine was as
good as ever was tipped over tongue.  "Well," continued she, "that
maybe; but were it the best of champagne, it is no recompense for
the damage I have suffered both in character and health, by being
wrongfully dragged to jail; at this rate, no innocent person is
safe, since an officer of justice, out of malice, private pique,
or mistake, may injure and oppress the subject with impunity; but,
thank heaven, I live under the protection of laws that will not
suffer such insults to pass unpunished, and I know very well how
to procure redress." Mr.  Vulture, for that was the bailiff's name,
finding he had to deal with one who would not be imposed upon,
began to look very sullen and perplexed, and, leaning his forehead
on his hand, entered into a deliberation with himself, which lasted
a few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of dreadful curses
against the old jade our landlady, as he called her, for having
misinformed him. After much wrangling and swearing, the matter was
referred to the decision of the turnkey, who calling for the other
bottle, mulcted the bailiff in all the liquor that had been drunk,
coach hire, and a couple of guineas for the use of the plaintiff.
The money was immediately deposited; Miss Williams gratified the
two evidences with one half, and putting the other in her pocket
drove borne with me, leaving the catchpole grumbling over his
loss, yet pleased in the main, for having so cheaply got clear
of a business that might have cost him ten times the sum, and his
place to boot. This guinea was a very seasonable relief to us, who
were reduced to great necessity, six of my shirts, and almost all
my clothes, except those on my back, having been either pawned or
sold for our maintenance before this happened. As we resented the
behaviour of our landlady, our first care was to provide ourselves
with another lodging, whither we removed next day, with an intention
to keep ourselves as retired as possible, until our cure should
be completed. When we were fixed in our new habitation, I entreated
her to finish the story of her life, which she pursued in this
manner:--

'The success of our experiment on the judge encouraged us to
practice the same deceit on others; but this harvest lasted not
long, my character taking air, and my directress deserting me for
some new game. Then I took lodgings near Charing-Cross, at two
guineas a week, and began to entertain company in a public manner;
but my income being too small to defray my expenses, I was obliged
to retrench, and enter into articles with the porters of certain
taverns, who undertook to find employment enough for me, provided I
would share my profits with them. Accordingly, I was almost every
night engaged with company, among whom I was exposed to every
mortification, danger, and abuse, that flow from drunkenness and
brutality. As my spirit was not sufficiently humbled to the will,
nor my temper calculated for the conversation of my gallants, it was
impossible for me to overcome an aversion I felt for my profession,
which manifested itself in a settled gloom on my countenance, and
disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so much, that I was frequently
used in a shocking manner, and kicked down stairs with disgrace.
The messengers, seeing me disagreeable to their benefactors and
employers, seldom troubled me with a call, and I began to find
myself almost totally neglected.

'To contribute towards my support I was fain to sell my watch, rings,
trinkets, with the best part of my clothes; and I was one evening
musing by myself on misery before me when I received a message from
a tavern, whither I repaired in a chair, and was introduced to a
gentleman dressed like an officer, with whom I supped in a sumptuous
manner. In the morning, when I awoke, I found my gallant had got
up, and, drawing aside the curtain, could not perceive him in the
room. I waited a full hour for his return, and then in the greatest
perplexity, rose up and rang the bell. When the waiter came to the
door, he found it locked, and desired admittance, which I granted,
after observing, with great surprise, that the key remained on
the inside, as when we went to bed. I no sooner inquired for the
captain, than the fellow, staring with a distracted look, cried,
"How, madam, is he not abed?" And when he was satisfied as to that
particular, ran into a closet adjoining to the chamber, the window
of which he found open. Through this the adventurer had got upon
a wall, front whence he dropped down into a court and escaped,
leaving me to be answerable not only for the reckoning, but also
for a large silver tankard and posset-bowl, which he had carried
off with him.

'It is impossible to describe the consternation I was under, when
I saw myself detained as a thief's accomplice; for I was looked
upon in that light, and carried before a justice, who mistaking my
confusion for a sign of guilt committed me, after a short examination,
to Bridewell, having admonished me, as the only means to save my
life, to turn evidence, and impeach my confederate. I now concluded
the vengeance of Heaven had overtaken me, and that I must soon
finish my career by an ignominious death. This reflection sank so
deep into my soul, that I was for some days deprived of my reason,
and actually believed myself in hell, tormented by fiends.  Indeed,
there needs not a very extravagant imagination to form that
idea: for of all the scenes on earth that of Bridewell approaches
nearest the notion I had always entertained of the regions. Here
I saw nothing but rage, anguish and impiety, and heard nothing but
groans, curses, and blasphemy. In the midst of this hellish crew,
I was subjected to the tyranny of a barbarian, who imposed upon
me tasks that I could not possibly perform, and then punished
my incapacity with the utmost rigour and inhumanity. I was often
whipped into a swoon, and lashed out of it (during which miserable
interval, I was robbed by my fellow-prisoners of everything about
me, even to my cap, shoes, and stockings): I was not only destitute
of necessaries, but even of food, so that my wretchedness was extreme.
Not one of my acquaintance to whom I imparted my situation, would
grant me the least succour or regard, on pretence of my being
committed for theft, and my landlord refused to part with some of
my own clothes which I sent for, because I was indebted to him for
a week's lodging.

'Overwhelmed with calamity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put
an end to my grievances and life together: for this purpose I got
up in the middle of the night, when I thought everybody around me
asleep, and fixing one end of a large hook in the ceiling, that
supported the scales on which the hemp is weighed, I stood upon
a chair, and making a noose on the other end, put my neck into ii
with an intention to hang myself; but before I could adjust the
knot I was surprised and prevented by two women, who had been awake
all the while and suspected my design. In the morning, my attempt
was published among the prisoners and punished with thirty stripes,
the pain of which, co-operating with my disappointment and disgrace,
bereft me of my senses, and threw me into an ecstacy of madness,
during which I tore the flesh from my bones with my teeth, and
dashed my head against the pavement; so that they were obliged to
set a watch over me, to restrain me from doing further mischief to
myself and others. This fit of frenzy continued three days, at the
end of which I grew calm and sullen: but as the desire of making away
with myself still remained, I came to a determination of starving
myself to death, and with that view refused all sustenance.

'Whether it was owing to the want of opposition, or to the weakness
of nature, I know not; but on the second day of my fast, I found
my resolution considerably impaired, and the calls of hunger almost
insupportable. At this critical conjuncture a lady was brought
into the prison, with whom I had contracted an acquaintance while
I lived with Horatio; she was then on the same footing as I was,
but afterwards quarrelling with her gallant, and not finding another
to her mind, altered her scheme of life, and set up a coffee-house
among the hundreds in Drury, where she entertained gentlemen with
claret, arrack, and the choice of half-a-dozen damsels who lived
in her house. This serviceable matron having neglected to gratify
a certain justice for the connivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the
quarter sessions, in consequence of which her bevy was dispersed,
and herself committed to Bridewell. She had not been long there before
she learned my disaster, and coming up to me, after a compliment
of condolence, inquired into the particulars of my fate.  While we
were engaged in discourse together, the master came and told me,
that the fellow on whose account I had suffered was taken, that
he had confessed the theft, and cleared me of any concern in the
affair; for which reason he, the master, had orders to discharge
me, and that I was from that moment free.

'This piece of news soon banished all thoughts of death, and had
such an instantaneous effect on my countenance, that Mrs. Coupler
(the lady then present), hoping to find her account in me, very
generously offered to furnish me with what necessaries I wanted,
and take me into her own house as soon as she could compromise
matters with the justices. The conditions of her offer were, that
I should pay three guineas weekly for my board, and a reasonable
consideration besides, for the use of such clothes and ornaments
as she should supply me with, to be deducted from the first profits
of my occupation. These were hard terms, but not to be rejected
by one who was turned out helpless and naked into the wide world,
without a friend to pity or assist her. I therefore embraced her
proposal, and she being bailed in a few hours, took me home with
her in a coach. As I was by this time conscious of having formerly
disgusted my admirers by my reserved loud haughty behaviour, I
now endeavoured to conquer that disposition, and the sudden change
of my fortune giving me a flow of spirits, I appeared in the most
winning and gay manner I could assume. Having the advantage of
a good voice and education, I exerted my talents to the uttermost,
and soon became the favourite with all company. This success
alarmed the pride and jealousy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear
the thoughts of being eclipsed: she therefore made a merit of her
envy, and whispered among the customers that I was unsound. There
needed no more to ruin my reputation and blast my prosperity;
everybody shunned me with marks of aversion and disdain, and in
a very short time I was as solitary as ever. Want of gallants was
attended with want of money to satisfy my malicious landlady, who
having purposely given me credit to the amount of eleven pounds,
took out a writ against me and I was arrested in her own house.
Though the room was crowded with people when the bailiff entered,
not one of them had compassion enough to mollify my prosecutrix,
far less to pay the debt; they even laughed at my tears, and one
of them bade me be of good cheer, for I should not want admirers
in Newgate.

'At this instant a sea-lieutenant came in, and seeing my plight,
began to inquire into the circumstances of my misfortune. "Harkee,
my girl," he inquired "how far have you overrun the constable?"
I told him that the debt amounted to eleven pounds, besides the
expenses of the writ. "An that be all," said he, "you shan't go to
the bilboes this bout." And taking out his purse, he paid the money,
discharged the bailiff, and telling me I had got into the wrong
port, advised me to seek out a more convenient harbour, where I
could be safely hove down; for which purpose he made me a present
of five guineas more. I was so touched with this singular piece
of generosity, that for some time I had not power to thank him.
However, as soon as I recollected myself, I begged the favour of
him to go with me to the next tavern, where I explained the nature
of my disaster, and convinced him of the falsehood of what was
reported to my prejudice so effectually, that he from that moment
attached himself to me, and we lived in great harmony together,
until he was obliged to go to sea, where he perished in a storm.

'Having lost my benefactor, and almost consumed the remains of his
bounty, I saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former necessity,
and began to be very uneasy at the prospect of bailiffs and jails!
when one of the sisterhood advised me to take lodgings in a part
of the town where I was unknown, and pass for an heiress, by which
artifice I might entrap somebody to be my husband, who would possibly
be able to allow me a handsome maintenance, or at worst screen me
from the dread and danger of a prison, by becoming liable for whatever
debts I should contract. I approved of this scheme, towards the
execution of which my companion clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook
to live with me in quality of my maid, with the proviso that she
should be reimbursed and handsomely considered out of the profits
of my success. She was immediately detached to look out for a
convenient place, and that very day hired a genteel apartment in
Park Street, whither I moved in a couch loaded with her baggage, and
my own. I made my first appearance in a blue riding habit trimmed
with silver; and my maid acted her part so artfully, that in a day
or two my fame spread all over the neighbourhood, and I was said
to be a rich heiress just arrived from the country. This report
brought a swarm of gay young fellows about me; but I soon found
them to be all indigent adventurers like myself, who crowded to me
like crows to a carrion, with a view of preying upon my fortune. I
maintained, however, the appearance of wealth as long as possible,
in hopes of gaining some admirer more for my purpose, and at length
attracted the regard of one who would have satisfied my wishes,
and managed matters so well, that a day was actually fixed for our
nuptials. In the interim, he begged leave to introduce an intimate
friend to me, which request, as I could not refuse, I had the extreme
mortification and surprise to see, next night, in that friend, my
old keeper Horatio, who no sooner beheld me than he changed colour,
but had presence of mind to advance and salute me, bidding me (with
a low voice) be under no apprehension, for he would not expose me.
In spite of his assurance, I could not recover myself so far as to
entertain them, but withdrew to my chamber on pretence of a severe
headache, to the no small concern of my adorer, who took his leave
in the tenderest manner, and went off with his friend.

'Having imparted my situation to my companion, she found it high
time for us to decamp, and that without any noise, because we were
not only indebted to our landlady, but also to several tradesmen in
the neighbourhood. Our retreat, therefore, was concerted and executed
in this manner: Having packed up all our clothes and moveables in
small parcels, she (on pretence of fetching cordials for me) carried
them at several times to the house of an acquaintance, where she
likewise procured a lodging, to which we retired in the middle of
the night, when every other body in the house was asleep. I was
now obliged to aim at lower game, and accordingly spread my nets
among tradespeople, but found them all too phlegmatic or cautious
for my art and attractions, till at last I became acquainted with
you, on whom I practised all my dexterity; not that I believed you
had any fortune, or expectation of me, but that I might transfer
the burden of such debts as I had incurred, or should contract,
from myself to another, and at the same time avenge myself of your
sex, by rendering miserable one who bore such resemblance to the
wretch who ruined me; but Heaven preserved you from my snares by the
discovery you made, which was owing to the negligence of my maid
in leaving the chamber-door unlocked when she went to buy sugar
for breakfast. When I found myself detected and forsaken by you,
I was fain to move my lodging, and dwell two pair of stairs higher
than before. My companion, being disappointed in her expectations,
left me, and I had no other resource than to venture forth, like
the owls in the dark, to pick up a precarious and uncomfortable
subsistence. I have often sauntered between Ludgate Hill and Charing
Cross a whole winter night, exposed not only to the inclemency of
the weather, but likewise to the rage of hunger and thirst, without
being so happy as to meet with one dupe, then creep up to my garret,
in a deplorable draggled condition, sneak to bed, and try to bury
my appetite and sorrows in sleep.  When I lighted on some rake or
tradesman reeling home drunk, I frequently suffered the most brutal
treatment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety and
good humour, though my soul was stung with resentment and disdain,
and my heart loaded with grief and affliction. In the course of
these nocturnal adventures, I was infected with the disease, that
in a short time rendered me the object of my own abhorrence, and
drove me to the retreat where your benevolence rescued me from the
jaws of death.'

So much candour and good sense appeared in this lady's narration,
that I made no scruple of believing every syllable of what she said,
and expressed my astonishment at the variety of miseries she had
undergone in so little time, for all her misfortunes had happened
within the compass of two years; I compared her situation with my
own, and found it a thousand times more wretched. I had endured
hardships, 'tis true--my whole life had been a series of such; and
when I looked forward, the prospect was not much bettered, but then
they were become habitual to me, and consequently I could bear them
with less difficulty. If one scheme of life should not succeed, I
could have recourse to another, and so to a third, veering about
to a thousand different shifts, according to the emergencies of
my fate, without forfeiting the dignity of my character beyond a
power of retrieving it, or subjecting myself wholly to the caprice
and barbarity of the world.  On the other hand, she had known and
relished the sweets of prosperity, she had been brought up under
the wings of an indulgent parent, in all the delicacies to which
her sex and rank entitled her; and without any extravagance of
hope, entertained herself with the view of uninterrupted happiness
through the whole scene of life. How fatal then, how tormenting,
how intolerable, must her reverse of fortune be!--a reverse, that
not only robs her of these external comforts, and plunges her into
all the miseries of want, but also murders her peace of mind, and
entails upon her the curse of eternal infamy! Of all professions
I pronounced that of a courtesan the most deplorable, and her of
all courtesans the most unhappy. She allowed my observation to be
just in the main, but at the same time affirmed that notwithstanding
the disgraces which had fallen to her share, she had not been so
unlucky in the condition of a prostitute as many others of the same
community. "I have often seen," said she, "while I strolled about
the streets at midnight, a number of naked wretches reduced to rags
and filth, huddled together like swine, in the corner of a dark
alley, some of whom, but eighteen months before, I had known the
favourites of the town, rolling in affluence, and glittering in
all the pomp of equipage and dress. Miserable wretch that I am!
perhaps the same horrors are decreed for me!" "No!" cried she, after
some pause, "I shall never live to such extremity of distress; my
own hand shall open a way for my deliverance, before I arrive at
that forlorn period!" Her condition filled me with sympathy and
compassion: I revered her qualifications, looked upon her as unfortunate,
not criminal, and attended her with such care and success, that in
less than two months her health, as well as my own, was perfectly
re-established.  As we often conferred upon our mutual affairs,
and interchanged advice, a thousand different projects were formed,
which, upon further canvassing, appeared impracticable. We would
have gladly gone to service, but who would take us in without
recommendation?  At length an expedient occurred to her, of which
she intended to lay hold; and this was, to procure with the first
money she should earn, the homely garb of a country wench, go to
some village at a good distance from town, and come up in a waggon,
as a fresh girl for service: by which means she might be provided
for, in a manner much more suitable to her inclination than her
present way of life.





CHAPTER XXIV




I am reduced to a great misery--assaulted on Tower Hill by a press-gang,
who put me on board a tender--my usage there--my arrival on board
at a man-of-war, where I am put in irons, and released by the good
offices of Mr. Thompson, who recommends me as assistant to the
surgeon---he relates his own story--characters of the captain,
surgeon, and first mate


I applauded the resolution of Miss Williams, who a few days after,
was hired in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who
had witnessed in her behalf at the Marshalsea, and who since that
time had got credit with a wine merchant, whose favourite she was,
to set up a convenient house of her own. Thither my fellow-lodger
repaired, after having taken leave of me with a torrent of tears,
and a thousand protestations of eternal gratitude; assuring me she
would remain in this situation no longer than she could pick up
money sufficient to put her other design in execution.

As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, between
which I hesitated so long that I found myself reduced to a starving
condition. My spirit began to accommodate itself to my beggarly
fate, and I became so mean as to go down towards Wapping, with an
intention to inquire for an old schoolfellow, who, I understood,
had got the command of a small coasting vessel then in the river,
and implore his assistance. But my destiny prevented this abject
piece of behaviour; for as I crossed Tower Wharf, a squat tawny
fellow with a hanger by his side, and a cudgel in his hand came up
to me, calling, "Yo ho! brother, you must come along with me." As
I did not like his appearance, instead of answering his salutation,
I quickened my pace, in hope of ridding myself of his company; upon
which he whistled aloud, and immediately another sailor appeared
before me, who laid hold of me by the collar, and began to drag me
along. Not being in a humour to relish such treatment, I disengaged
myself of the assailant, and, with one blow of my cudgel, laid
him motionless on the ground; and perceiving myself surrounded in
a trice by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself with such dexterity
and success, that some of my opponents were fain to attack me
with drawn cutlasses; and after an obstinate engagement, in which
I received a large wound on my head, and another on my left cheek,
I was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board a pressing
tender, where, after being pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust
down into the hold among a parcel of miserable wretches, the sight
of whom well nigh distracted me. As the commanding officer had
not humanity enough to order my wounds to be dressed, and I could
not use my own hands, I desired one of my fellow captives who was
unfettered, to take a handkerchief out of my pocket, and tie it
round my head, to stop the bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief,
'tis true, but instead of applying it to the use for which I designed
it, went to the grating of the hatchway, and, with astonishing
composure, sold it before my face to a bumboat woman [1] then on
board, for a quart of gin, with which he treated his companions,
regardless of my circumstances and entreaties.


[1] A Bumboat woman is one who sells bread, cheese, greens, liquor,
and fresh potatoes to the sailors, in a small boat that lies
alongside the ship


I complained bitterly of this robbery to the midshipman on deck,
telling him at the same time, that unless my hurts were dressed,
I should bleed to death. But compassion was a weakness of which no
man could justly accuse this person, who, squirting a mouthful of
dissolved tobacco upon me through the gratings, told me "I was a
mutinous dog, and that I might die for anything he cared!" Finding
there was no other remedy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this
usage in my memory, to be called at a more fitting opportunity. In
the meantime, loss of blood, vexation, and want of food, contributed,
with the noisome stench of the place, to throw me into a swoon,
out of which I was recovered by a tweak of the nose, administered
by the tar who stood sentinel over us, who at the same time regaled
me with a draught of flip, and comforted me with the hopes of being
put on board of the Thunder next day, where I should be freed of
my handcuffs, and cured of my wounds by the doctor. I no sooner
beard him name the Thunder, than I asked if he had belonged to
that ship long; and be giving me to understand he had belonged to
her five years, I inquired if he knew Lieutenant Bowling? "Know
Lieutenant Bowling!" said he, "Odds my life! and that I do; and
a good seaman he is as ever stepped upon forecastle, and a brave
fellow as ever cracked biscuit--none of your Guinea pigs, nor your
fresh water, wish-washy, fair-weather fowls. Many a taugt gale of
wind have honest Tom Bowling and I weathered together. Here's his
health, with all my heart: wherever he is, a-loft, or a-low, the
lieutenant needs not be ashamed to show himself." I was so much
affected with this eulogium, that I could not refrain from telling
him that I was Lieutenant Bowling's kinsman; in consequence of which
connection, he expressed his inclination to serve me, and when he
was relieved, brought some cold boiled beef in a platter, and biscuit,
on which we supped plentifully, and afterwards drank another can
of flip together.  While we were thus engaged, he recounted a great
many exploits of my uncle, who, I found, was very much beloved by
the ship's company, and pitied for the misfortune that had happened
to him in Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be informed was
not so great as I imagined; for Captain Oakum had recovered of
his wounds, and actually at that time commanded the ship. Having
by accident, in my pocket, my uncle's letter, written from Port
Louis, I gave it my benefactor (whose name was Jack Rattlin) for
his perusal; but honest Jack told me frankly he could not read,
and desired to know the contents, which I immediately communicated.
When he heard that part of it in which he says he had written to
his landlord in Deal, he cried, "Body o' me! that was old Ben Block;
he was dead before the letter came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben been
alive, Lieutenant Bowling would have had no occasion to skulk so
long. Honest Ben was the first man that taught him to hand, reef,
and steer. Well, well, we must all die, that's certain--we must all
come to port sooner or later, at sea or on shore--we must be fast
moored one day: death's like the best bower anchor, as the saying
is--it will bring us all up." I could not but signify my approbation
of the justness of Jack's reflections, and inquired into the
occasion of the quarrel between Captain Oakum and my uncle, which
he explained in this manner: "Captain Oakum, to be sure, is a good
man enough--besides, he's my commander; but what's that to me? I do
my duty, and value no man's anger of a rope's end. Now the report
goes, as how he's a lord, or baron knight's brother, whereby
(d'ye see me,) he carries a straight arm, and keeps aloof from his
officers, thof mayhap they may be as good men in the main as he.
Now we lying at anchor in Tuberon Bay, Lieutenant Bowling had the
middle watch, and as he always kept a good look out, he made (d'ye
see) three lights in the offing, whereby he ran down to the great
cabin for orders, and found the captain asleep; whereupon he waked
him, which put him in a main high passion, and he swore woundily
at the lieutenant, and called him lousy Scotch son of a whore (for,
I being then sentinel in the steerage, heard all), and swab, and
lubber, whereby the lieutenant returned the salute, and they jawed
together fore and aft a good spell, till at last the captain turned
out, and, laying hold of a rattan, came athwart Mr. Bowling's quarter:
whereby he told the captain that, if he was not his commander, he
would heave him overboard, and demanded satisfaction ashore; whereby
in the morning watch, the captain went ashore in the pinnace, and
afterwards the lieutenant carried the cutter ashore, and so they,
leaving the boats' crews on their oars, went away together; and
so (d'ye see) in less than a quarter of an hour we heard firing,
whereby we made for the place, and found the captain lying wounded
on the beach, and so brought him on board to the doctor, who cured
him in less than six weeks. But the lieutenant clapped on all the
sail he could bear, and had got far enough ahead before we knew
anything of the matter; so that we could never after get sight of
him, for which we were not sorry, because the captain was mainly
wrath, and would certainly have done him a mischief; for he afterwards
caused him to be run on the ship's books, whereby he lost all his
pay, and, if he should be taken, would be tried as a deserter."

This account of the captain's behaviour gave me no advantageous
idea of his character; and I could not help lamenting my own fate,
that had subjected me to such a commander. However, making a virtue
of necessity, I put a good face on the matter, and next day, was,
with the other pressed men, put on board of the "Thunder," lying at
the Nore. When we came alongside, the mate, who guarded us thither,
ordered my handcuffs to be taken off, that I might get on board the
easier; this circumstance being perceived by some of the company
who stood upon the gangboard to see us enter, one of them called
to Jack Rattlin, who was busied in doing this friendly office for
me, "Hey, Jack, what Newgate galley have you boarded in the river
as you came along? Have we not thieves enow among us already?"
Another, observing my wounds, which remained exposed to the air,
told me, my seams were uncaulked, and that I must be new payed. A
third, seeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it were into
distinct cords, took notice, that my bows were mended with the red
ropes, instead of my side. A fourth asked me, if I could not keep
my yards square without iron braces? And, in short, a thousand
witticisms of the same nature were passed upon me before I could
get up the ship's side.

After we had been all entered upon the ship's books, I inquired
of one of my shipmates where the surgeon was, that I might have
my wounds dressed, and had actually got as far as the middle deck
(for our ship carried eighty guns), in my way to the cockpit, when
I was met by the same midshipman who had used me so barbarously
in the tender: he, seeing me free from my chains, asked, with an
insolent air, who had released me? To this question, I foolishly
answered, with a countenance that too plainly declared the state
of my thoughts, "Whoever did it, I am persuaded did not consult
you in the affair." I had no sooner uttered these words, than he
cried, "Damn you, you saucy son of a hitch, I'll teach you to talk
so to your officer." So saying, he bestowed on me several severe
stripes with a supple jack he had in his hand: and, going to the
commanding officer, made such a report of me, that I was immediately
put in irons by the master-at-arms, and a sentinel placed over me.
Honest Rattlin, as soon as he heard of my condition, came to me,
and administered all the consolation he could, and then went to
the surgeon in my behalf, who sent one of his mates to dress my
wounds.  This mate was no other than my old friend Thompson, with
whom I became acquainted at the Navy Office, as before mentioned.
If I knew him at first sight, it was not easy for him to recognise
me, disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by the misery I
had undergone. Unknown as I was to him, he surveyed me with looks
of compassion, and handled my sores with great tenderness. When
he had applied what he thought proper, and was about to leave me,
I asked him if my misfortunes had disguised me so much that he
could not recollect my face? Upon this address he observed me with
great earnestness for some time, and at length protested he could
not recollect one feature of my countenance. To keep him no longer
in suspense, I told him my name, which when he heard, he embraced
me with affection, and professed his sorrow at seeing me in such a
disagreeable situation. I made him acquainted with my story, and,
when he heard how inhumanly I had been used in the tender, he left
me abruptly, assuring me I should see him again soon. I had scarce
time to wonder at his sudden departure, when the master-at-arms
came to the place of my confinement, and bade me follow him to the
quarter-deck, where I was examined by the first lieutenant, who
commanded the ship in the absence of the captain, touching the
treatment I had received in the tender from my friend the midshipman,
who was present to confront me.

I recounted the particulars of his behaviour to me, not only in the
tender, but since my being on board the ship, part of which being
proved by the evidence of Jack Rattlin and others, who had no great
devotion for my oppressor, I was discharged from confinement, to
make way for him, who was delivered to the master-at-arms to take
his turn in the bilboes. And this was not the only satisfaction I
enjoyed, for I was, at the request of the surgeon, exempted from
all other duty than that of assisting his mates, in making and
administering medicines to the sick. This good office I owed to
the friendship of Mr. Thompson, who had represented me in such a
favourable light to the surgeon, that be demanded me of the lieutenant
to supply the place of his third mate, who was lately dead. When
I had obtained this favour, my friend Thompson carried me down to
the cockpit, which is the place allotted for the habitation of the
surgeon's mates; and when he had shown me their berth (as he called
it), I was filled with astonishment and horror, We descended by
divers ladders to a space as dark as a dungeon, which, I understood,
was immersed several feet under water, being immediately above the
hold. I had no sooner approached this dismal gulph, than my nose was
saluted with an intolerable stench of putrified cheese and rancid
butter, that issued from an apartment at the foot of the ladder,
resembling a chandler's shop, where, by the faint glimmering of
a candle, I could perceive a man with a pale, meagre countenance,
sitting behind a kind of desk, having spectacles on his nose, and
a pen in his hand. This (I learned of Mr. Thompson) was the ship's
steward, who sat there to distribute provision to the several messes,
and to mark what each received. He therefore presented my name to
him, and desired I might be entered in his mess; then, taking a
light in his hand, conducted me to the place of his residence, which
was a square of about six feet, surrounded with the medicine-chest,
that of the first mate, his own, and a board by way of table fastened
to the after powder room; it was also inclosed with canvas nailed
round to the beams of the ship, to screen us from the cold, as well
as from the view of the midshipmen and quartermaster, who lodged
within the cable-tiers on each side of us. In this gloomy mansion
he entertained me with some cold suit pork, which he brought from
a sort of locker, fixed above the table: and calling for the boy of
the mess, sent for a can of beer, of which he made excellent flip
to crown the banquet.

By this time I began to recover my spirits, which had been
exceedingly depressed with the appearance of everything about me,
and could no longer refrain from asking the particulars of Mr.
Thompson's fortune since I had seen him in London. He told me,
that being disappointed in his expectations of borrowing money to
gratify the rapacious s--t--ry at the Navy Office, he found himself
utterly unable to subsist any longer in town, and had actually
offered his service, in quality of mate, to the surgeon of a merchant
ship, bound to Guinea on the slaving trade; when, one morning, a
young fellow, of whom he had some acquaintance, came to his lodgings,
and informed him that he had seen a warrant made out in his name at
the Navy Office, for surgeon's second mate of a third-rate. This
unexpected piece of good news he could scarcely believe to be true,
more especially as he had been found qualified at Surgeons' Hall
for third mate only; but that he might not be wanting to himself,
he went thither to be assured, and actually found it so: whereupon,
demanding his warrant, it was delivered to him, and the oaths
administered immediately. That very afternoon he went to Gravesend
in the tilt-boat, from whence he took place in the tide-coach for
Rochester; next morning got on board the "Thunder," for which he
was appointed, then lying in the harbour at Chatham; and the same
day was mustered by the clerk of the checque. And well it was for
him that such expedition was used; for, in less than twelve hours
after his arrival, another William Thompson came on board, affirming
that he was the person for whom the warrant was expedited, and that
the other was an impostor.

My friend was grievously alarmed at this accident, the more so, as
his namesake had very much the advantage over him both in assurance
and dress. However, to acquit himself of the suspicion of imposture, he
produced several letters written from Scotland to him in that name,
and, recollecting that his indentures were in a box on board, he
brought them up, and convinced all present that he had not assumed
a name which did not belong to him. His competitor, enraged that
they should hesitate in doing him justice (for to be sure the
warrant had been designed for him), behaved with so much indecent
heat, that the commanding officer (who was the same gentleman I had
seen) and the surgeon were offended at his presumption, and making
a point of it with their friends in town, in less than a week got
the first confirmed in his station. "I have been on board," said
he, "ever since; and, as this way of life is becoming familiar to
me, have no cause to complain of my situation.  The surgeon is a
good-natured, indolent man; the first mate (who is now on shore on
duty) is indeed a little proud and choleric, as all Welshmen are,
but in the main a friendly honest fellow. The lieutenants I have
no concern with; and, as for the captain, he is too much of a
gentleman to know a surgeon's mate, even by sight."





CHAPTER XXV




The behaviour of Mr. Morgan--his pride, displeasure, and generosity--the
economy of our mess described--Thomson's further friendship--the
nature of my duty explained--the situation of the sick


While he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the cockpit
ladder pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange dialect, "The
devil and his dam blow me from the top of Monchdenny, if I go to him
before there is something in my pelly. Let his nose be as yellow
as saffron, or as plue as a pell (look you), or as green as a leek,
'tis all one." To this declaration somebody answered, "So it seems
my poor messmate must part his cable for want of a little assistance.
His foretopsail is loose already; and besides the doctor ordered you
to overhaul him; but I see you don't mind what your master says."
Here he was interrupted with, "Splutter and cons! you lousy tog,
who do you call my master? Get you gone to the doctor, and tell
him my birth, and education, and my abilities; and moreover, my
behaviour is as good as his, or any shentleman's (no disparagement
to him,) in the whole world. Cot pless my soul I does he think,
or conceive, or imagine, that I am a horse, or an ass, or a goat,
to trudge backwards and forwards, and upwards and downwards, and
by sea and by land; at his will and pleasure? Go your ways, you
rapscallion, and tell Doctor Atkins that I desire and request that
he will give a look upon the tying man, and order something for him,
if he be dead or alive, and I will see him take it by and by, when
my craving stomach is satisfied, look you." At this, the other went
away, saying, "that if they should serve him so when he was dying,
by God he would be foul of them in the other world." Here Mr.
Thompson let me know, that the person we heard was Mr. Morgan, the
first mate, who was just come on board from the hospital, whither
he had attended some of the sick in the morning; at the same time
I saw him come into the berth. He was a short thick man, with a
face garnished with pimples, a snub nose turned up at the end, an
excessive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, surrounded with skin
puckered up in innumerable wrinkles. My friend immediately made
him acquainted with my case; when he regarded me with a very lofty
look, but without speaking, set down a bundle he had in his hand,
and approached the cupboard, which, when he had opened, he exclaimed
in a great passion, "Cot is my life, all the pork is gone, as I
am a Christian!" Thompson then gave him to understand, that, as I
had been brought on board half famished, he could do no less than
to entertain me with what was in the locker, and the rather as he
had bid the steward enter me in the mess. Whether this disappointment
made Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or he really thought himself
too little regarded by his fellow mate, I know not, but after some
pause, he went on in this manner: "Mr. Thompson, perhaps you do
not use me with all the good manners, and complaisance, and respect
(look you,) that becomes you, because you have not vouchsafed to
advise with me in this affair. I have in my time (look you,) been
a man of some weight, and substance, and consideration, and have
kept house and home, and paid scot and lot, and the king's taxes;
ay, and maintained a family to boot. And moreover, also, I am your
senior, and your older, and your petter, Mr. Thompson." "My elder,
I'll allow you to be, but not my better!" cried Thompson, with
some heat. "Cot is my Saviour, and witness too," said Morgan, with
great vehemence, "that I am more elder, and therefore more petter
by many years than you." Fearing this dispute might be attended
with some bad consequence, I interposed, and told Mr. Morgan I was
very sorry for having been the occasion of any difference between
him and the second mate; and that, rather than cause the least
breach in their good understanding, I would eat my allowance to
myself, or seek admission into some other company. But Thompson,
with more spirit than discretion (as I thought), insisted upon
my remaining where he had appointed me; and observed that no man,
possessed of generosity and compassion, would have any objection
to it, considering my birth and talents, and the misfortunes I had
of late so unjustly undergone.

This was touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who protested with
great earnestness, that he had no objection to my being received
in the mess; but only complained that the ceremony of asking his
consent was not observed. "As for a sheltenman in distress," said
he, shaking me by the hand, "I lofe him as I lofe my own powels:
for, Cot help me! I have had vexations enough upon my own pack." And
as I afterwards learned, in so saying, he spoke no more than what
was true; for he had been once settled in a very good situation in
Glamorganshire, and was ruined by being security for an acquaintance.
All differences being composed, he untied his bundle, which consisted
of three bunches of onions, and a great lump of Cheshire cheese,
wrapped up in a handkerchief: and, taking some biscuit from the
cupboard, fell to with a keen appetite, inviting us to share of
the repast. When he had fed heartily on his homely fare, he filled
a large cup, made of a cocoa-nut shell, with brandy, and, drinking
it off, told us, "Prandy was the best menstruum for onions and
sheese." His hunger being appeased, he began to be in better humour;
and, being inquisitive about my birth, no sooner understood that
I was descended of a good family, than he discovered a particular
good-will to me on that account, deducing his own pedigree in a
direct line from the famous Caractacus, king of the Britons, who was
first the prisoner, and afterwards the friend of Claudius Caesar.
Perceiving how much I was reduced in point of linen, he made me a
present of two good ruffled shirts, which, with two more of check
which I received from Mr.  Thompson, enabled me to appear with
decency.

Meanwhile the sailor, whom Mr. Morgan had sent to the doctor,
brought a prescription for his messmate, which when the Welshman
had read, he got up to prepare it, and asked, "if the man was dead
or alive." "Dead!" replied Jack; "if he was dead, he would have
no occasion for doctor's stuff. No, thank God, death han't as yet
boarded him. But they have been yard-arm and yard-arm these three
glasses." "Are his eyes open," continued the mate. "His starboard
eye," said the sailor, "is open, but fast jammed in his head: and
the haulyards of his under jaw have given way." "Passion of my
heart!" cried Morgan, "the man is as pad as one would desire to be!
Did you feel his pulses!" To this the other replied with "Anan!"
Upon which this Cambro Briton, with great earnestness and humanity,
ordered the tar to run to his messmate, and keep him alive till
he should come with the medicine, "and then," said he, "you shall
peradventure pehold what you shall see."

The poor fellow, with great simplicity, ran to the place where
the sick man lay, but in less than a minute returned with a woful
countenance, and told us his comrade had struck. Morgan, hearing
this, exclaimed, "Mercy upon my salvation! why did you not stop
him till I came?" "Stop him!" said the other; "I hailed him several
times, but he was too far on his way, and the enemy had got possession
of his close quarters; so that he did not mind me." "Well, well,"
said he, "we all owe heaven a teath. Go your ways, you ragamuffin,
and take an example and a warning, look you, and repent of your
misteets." So saying, he pushed the seaman out of the berth.

While we entertained us with reflections suitable to this event,
we heard the boatswain pipe to dinner; and immediately the boy
belonging to our mess ran to the locker, from whence he carried
off a large wooden platter, and, in a few minutes, returned with
it full of boiled peas, crying "Scaldings" all the way as he came.
The cloth, consisting of a piece of an old sail, was instantly
laid, covered with three plates, which by the colour I could with
difficulty discern to be metal, and as many spoons of the same
composition, two of which were curtailed in the handles, and the
other abridged in the lip. Mr. Morgan himself enriched this mess
with a lump of salt butter scooped from an old gallipot, and a
handful of onions shorn, with some pounded pepper. I was not very
much tempted with the appearance of this dish, of which, nevertheless,
my messmates ate heartily, advising me to follow their example,
as it was banyan day and we could have no meat till next noon, But
I had already laid in sufficient for the occasion, and therefore
desired to be excused: expressing a curiosity to know the meaning
of banyan day. They told me, that, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and
Fridays, the ship's company had no allowance of meat, and that these
meagre days were called banyan days, the reason of which they did
not know; but I have since learned they take their denomination
from a sect of devotees in some parts of the East Indies, who never
taste flesh.

After dinner Thompson led me round the ship, showed me the
different parts, described their uses, and, as far as he could, made
me acquainted with the particulars of the discipline and economy
practised on board. He then demanded of the boatswain a hammock
for me, which was slung in a very neat manner by my friend Jack
Rattlin; and, as I had no bed-clothes, procured credit for me with
the purser, for a mattress and two blankets. At seven o'clock in
the evening Morgan visited the sick, and, having ordered what was
proper for each, I assisted Thompson in making up his prescriptions:
but when I followed him with the medicines into the sick berth, or
hospital, and observed the situation of the patients, I was much
less surprised that people should die on board, than that a sick
person should recover. Here I saw about fifty miserable distempered
wretches, suspended in rows, so huddled one upon another, that not
more than fourteen inches space was allotted for each with his bed
and bedding; and deprived of the light of the day, as well as of
fresh air; breathing nothing but a noisome atmosphere of the morbid
steams exhaling from their own excrements and diseased bodies,
devoured with vermin hatched in the filth that surrounded them,
and destitute of every convenience necessary for people in that
helpless condition.





CHAPTER XXVI




A disagreeable accident happens to me in the discharge of my
office--Morgan's nose is offended--a dialogue between him and the
Ship's steward-upon examination, I find more causes of complaint than
one--my hair is cut off--Morgan's cookery--the manner of sleeping
on board-I am waked in the night by a dreadful noise


Could not comprehend how it was possible for the attendants to come
near those who hung on the inside towards the sides of the ship,
in order to assist them, as they seemed barricadoed by those who
lay on the outside, and entirely out of the reach of all visitation;
much less could I conceive how my friend Thompson would be able to
administer clysters, that were ordered for some, in that situation;
when I saw him thrust his wig in his pocket, and strip himself to
his waistcoat in a moment, then creep on all fours under the hammocks
of the sick, and, forcing up his bare pate between two, keep them
asunder with one shoulder, until he had done his duty.  Eager to
learn the service, I desired he would give me leave to perform the
next operation of that kind; and he consenting, I undressed myself
after his example, and crawling along, the ship happened to roll:
this motion alarming me, I laid hold of the first thing that came
within my grasp with such violence, that I overturned it, and soon
found, by the smell that issued upon me, that I had unlocked a box
of the most delicious perfume. It was well for me that my nose was
none of the most delicate, else I know not how I might have been
affected by this vapour, which diffused itself all over the ship,
to the utter discomposure of everybody who tarried on the same
dock! neither was the consequence of this disgrace confined to my
sense of smelling only; for I felt my misfortune more ways than one.
That I might not, however, appear altogether disconcerted in this
my first essay, I got up, and, pushing my head with great force
between two hammocks, towards the middle, where the greatest resistance
was, I made an opening indeed, but, not understanding the knack of
dexterously turning my shoulder to maintain my advantage, had the
mortification to find myself stuck up, as it were, in a pillory,
and the weight of three or four people bearing on each side of my
neck, so that I was in danger of strangulation. While I remained
in this defenceless posture, one of the sick men, rendered peevish
by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell I had occasioned and
the rude shock he had received from me in my elevation, that, with
many bitter reproaches, he seized me by the nose, which he tweaked
so unmercifully, that I roared with anguish. Thompson, perceiving
my condition, ordered one of the waiters to my assistance, who, with
much difficulty, disengaged me from this situation, and hindered
me from taking vengeance on the sick man, whose indisposition would
not have screened him from the effects of my indignation.

After having made an end of our ministry for that time, we descended
to the cockpit, my friend comforting me for what had happened
with a homely proverb, which I do not choose to repeat.  When we
had descended half-way down the ladder, Mr. Morgan, before he saw
us, having intelligence by his nose of the approach of something
extraordinary, cried, "Cot have mercy upon my senses! I pelieve the
enemy has poarded us in a stinkpot!" Then, directing his discourse
to the steward, from whence he imagined the odour proceeded, he
reprimanded him severely for the freedoms he took among gentlemen
of birth, and threatened to smoke him like a padger with sulphur,
if ever be should presume to offend his neighbours with such
smells for the future. The steward, conscious of his own innocence,
replied with some warmth, "I know of no smells but those of your
own making." This repartee introduced a smart dialogue, in which the
Welshman undertook to prove, that, though the stench he complained
of did not flow from the steward's own body, he was nevertheless
the author of it, by serving out damaged provisions to the ship's
company; and, in particular, putrified cheese, from the use of
which only, he affirmed, such unsavoury steams could arise.  Then
he launched out into the praise of good cheese, of which he gave
the analysis; explained the different kinds of that commodity,
with the methods practised to make and preserve it, concluded in
observing, that, in yielding good cheese, the county of Glamorgan
might vie with Cheshire itself, and was much superior to it in the
produce of goats and putter.

I gathered from this conversation, that, if I entered in my present
pickle, I should be no welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr.
Thompson to go before, and represent my calamity; at which the first
mate, expressing some concern, went upon deck immediately, taking
his way through the cable-tier and the main hatchway, to avoid
encountering me; desiring me to clean myself as soon as possible:
for he intended to regale himself with a dish of salmagundy and a
pipe. Accordingly, I set about this disagreeable business, and soon
found I had more causes of complaint than I at first imagined; for
I perceived some guests had honoured me with their company, whose
visit I did not think seasonable: neither did they seem inclined
to leave me in a hurry, for they were in possession of my chief
quarters, where they fed without reserve at the expense of my blood.
But, considering it would be easier to extirpate the ferocious
colony in the infancy of their settlement, than after they should
be multiplied and naturalised to the soil, I took the advice of my
friend, who, to prevent such misfortunes, went always close shaved,
and made the boy of our mess cut off my hair, which had been growing
since I left the service of Lavement; and the second mate lent me
an old bobwig to supply the loss of that covering. This affair being
ended, and everything adjusted in the best manner my circumstances
would permit, the descendant of Caractacus returned, and, ordering
the boy to bring a piece of salt beef from the brine, cut off a
slice, and mixed it with an equal quantity of onions, which seasoning
with a moderate proportion of pepper and salt, he brought it to a
consistence with oil and vinegar; then, tasting the dish, assured
us it was the best salmagundy that ever he made, and recommended
it to our palate with such heartiness that I could not help doing
honour to his preparation. But I had no sooner swallowed a mouthful,
than I thought my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured with a
deluge of small-beer to allay the heat it occasioned. Supper being
over, Mr.  Morgan having smoked a couple of pipes, and supplied
the moisture he had expended with as many cans of flip, of which
we all partook, a certain yawning began to admonish me that it was
high time to repair by sleep the injury I had suffered from want of
rest the preceding night; which being perceived by my companions,
whose time of repose was now arrived, they proposed we should turn
in, or in other words, go to bed. Our hammocks, which hung parallel
to one another, on the outside of the berth, were immediately
unlashed, and I beheld my messmates spring with great agility into
their respective nests, where they seemed to lie concealed, very
much at their ease. But it was some time before I could prevail upon
myself to trust my carcase at such a distance from the ground, in
a narrow bag, out of which, I imagined, I should be apt, on the
least motion in my sleep, to tumble down at the hazard of breaking
my bones. I suffered myself, however, to be persuaded, and taking
a leap to get in, threw myself quite over, with such violence, that
had I not luckily got hold of Thompson's hammock, I should have
pitched upon my head on the other side, and in all likelihood
fractured my skull.

After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at last; but the
apprehension of the jeopardy in which I believed myself withstood
all the attacks of sleep till towards the morning watch, when, in
spite of my fears, I was overpowered with slumber, though I did not
long enjoy this comfortable situation, being aroused with a noise
so loud and shrill, that I thought the drums of my ears were burst
by it; this was followed by a dreadful summons pronounced by a
hoarse voice, which I could not understand. While I was debating
with myself, whether or not I should wake my companion and inquire
into the occasion of this disturbance, I was informed by one of the
quartermasters who passed by me with a lantern in his hand, that
the noise which alarmed me was occasioned by the boatswain's mates
who called up the larboard watch, and that I must lay my account
with such an interruption every morning at the same hour. Being
now more assured of my safety, I undressed myself again to rest,
and slept till eight o'clock, when rising, and breakfasting with my
comrades on biscuit and brandy, the sick were visited and assisted
as before; after which visitation my good friend Thompson explained
and performed another piece of duty, to which I was a stranger. At
a certain hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went round all
the decks, ringing a small hand-bell, and, in rhymes composed for
the occasion, invited all those who had sores to repair before the
mast, where one of the doctor's mates attended, with applications
to dress them.





CHAPTER XXVII




I acquire the friendship of the Surgeon, who procures a warrant for
me, and makes me a present of clothes--a battle between a Midshipman
and me--the Surgeon leaves the ship--the Captain comes on board
with another Surgeon--a dialogue between the Captain and Morgan--the
sick are ordered to be brought upon the Quarter-deck and examined--the
consequences of that order--a Madman accuses Morgan, and is set at
liberty by command of the Captain, whom he instantly attacks, and
pummels without mercy


While I was busied with my friend in the practice. The doctor
chanced to pass by the place where we were, and stopping to observe
me appeared very well satisfied with my application; and afterwards
sent for me to his cabin, where, having examined me touching my
skill in surgery, and the particulars of my fortune, he interested
himself so far in my behalf, as to promise his assistance in procuring
a warrant for me, seeing I had already been found qualified at
Surgeons' Hall for the station I filled on board; and in this good
office he the more cordially engaged when he understood I was nephew
to lieutenant Bowling, for whom he expressed a particular regard.
In the meantime, I could learn from his discourse that he did not
intend to go to sea again with Captain Oakum, having, as he thought,
been indifferently used by him during the last voyage.

While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation of preferment, I was
not altogether without mortifications, which I not only suffered
from the rude insults of the sailors and petty officers, among
whom I was known by the name of Loblolly Boy, but also from the
disposition of Morgan, who, though friendly in the main, was often
very troublesome with his pride, which expected a good deal of
submission from me, and delighted in recapitulating the favours I
had received at his hands.

About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon, bidding me
to follow him into his cabin, presented a warrant to me, by which
I was appointed surgeon's third mate on board the Thunder. This he
had procured by his interest at the Navy Office; as also another
for himself, by virtue of which he was removed into a second-rate.
I acknowledged his kindness in the strongest terms my gratitude
could suggest, and professed my sorrow at the prospect of losing
so valuable a friend, to whom I hoped to have recommended myself
still further, by my respectful and diligent behaviour. But his
generosity rested not here; for before he left the ship he made me
a present of a chest and some clothes that enabled me to support
the rank to which he had raised me.

I found my spirit revive with my good fortune; and, now I was an
officer, resolved to maintain the dignity of my station, against
all opposition or affronts; nor was it long before I had occasion
to exert my resolution. My old enemy, the midshipman (whose name
was Crampley), entertaining an implacable animosity against me for
the disgrace he had suffered on my account, had since that time
taken all opportunities of reviling and ridiculing me, when I was
not entitled to retort this bad usage; and, even after I had been
rated on the books, and mustered as surgeon's mate, did not think
fit to restrain his insolence. In particular, being one day present
while I dressed a wound in a sailor's leg, he began to sing a song,
which I thought highly injurious to the honour of my country, and
therefore signified my resentment, by observing that the Scots
always laid their account with finding enemies among the ignorant,
insignificant, and malicious. This unexpected piece of assurance
enraged him to such a degree, that he lent me a blow on the face,
which I verily thought had demolished my cheek-bone. I was not
slow in returning the obligation, and the affair began to be very
serious, when by accident Mr. Morgan, and one of the master's
mates, coming that way, interposed, and, inquiring into the cause,
endeavoured to promote a reconciliation; but, finding us both
exasperated to the uttermost, and bent against accommodation, they
advised us either to leave our difference undecided, till we should
have an opportunity of terminating it on shore, like gentlemen, or
else choose a proper place on board, and bring it to an issue by
boxing. The last expedient was greedily embraced by us both; and,
being forthwith conducted to the ground proposed, we stripped in a
moment, and began a furious contest, in which I soon found myself
inferior to my antagonist, not so much in strength and agility, as
in skill, which he had acquired in the school of Hockley-in-the-Hole
at Tottenham-court. Many cross buttocks did I sustain, and pegs
on the stomach without number, till at last my breath being quite
gone, as well as my vigour wasted, I grew desperate, and collecting
all my strength in one effort, threw in at once, head, hands, and
feet, with such violence, that I drove my antagonist three paces
backward into the main hatchway, down which he fell, and pitching
upon his head and right shoulder, remained without sense and motion.
Morgan, looking down, and seeing him lie in that condition, cried,
"Upon my conscience, as I am a Christian sinner, (look you,)
I believe his pattles are all ofer; but I take you all to witness
that there was no treachery in the case, and that he has suffered
by the chance of war." So saying he descended to the deck below,
to examine into the situation of my adversary, and left me very
little pleased with my victory, as I found myself not only terribly
bruised, but likewise in danger of being called to account for
the death of Crampley; but this fear vanished when my fellow-mate
having, by bleeding him in the jugular, brought him to himself, and
inquired into the state of his body, called up to me to be under
no concern, for the midshipman had received no other damage than
as pretty a luxation of the os humeri as one would desire to see
on a summer's day. Upon this information I crawled down to the
cock-pit, and acquainted Thompson with the affair, who, providing
himself with bandages, etc, necessary for the occasion, went up to
assist Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the dislocation.  When this
was successfully performed, they wished me joy of the event of the
combat; and the Welshman, after observing, that, in ail likelihood,
the ancient Scots and Britons were the same people, bade me "praise
Cot for putting mettle in my pelly, and strength in my limbs to
support it." I acquired such reputation by this rencontre, which
lasted twenty minutes, that everybody became more cautious in
behaviour towards me; though Crampley, with his arm in a sling,
talked very high, and threatened to seize the first opportunity
of retrieving on shore the honour he had lost by an accident, from
which I could justly claim no merit.

About this time, Captain Oakum, having received sailing orders, came
on board, and brought along with him a surgeon of his own country,
who soon made us sensible of the loss we suffered in the departure
of Doctor Atkins; for he was grossly ignorant, and intolerably
assuming, false, vindictive, and unforgiving; a merciless tyrant
to his inferiors, an abject sycophant to those above him. In the
morning after the captain came on board, our first mate, according
to custom, went to wait on him with a sick list, which, when this
grim commander had perused, he cried with a stern countenance,
"Blood and cons! sixty-one sick people on board of my ship! Harkee,
you sir, I'll have no sick in my ship, by G--d." The Welshman
replied, "he should be very glad to find no sick people on board:
but, while it was otherwise, he did no more than his duty in
presenting him with a list." "You and your list may be d--n'd,"
said the captain, throwing it at him; "I say, there shall be no
sick in this ship while I have the command of her." Mr.  Morgan,
being nettled at this treatment, told him his indignation ought to
be directed to Cot Almighty, who visited his people with distempers,
and not to him, who contributed all in his power towards their
cure. The bashaw, not being used to such behaviour in any of his
officers, was enraged to fury at this satirical insinuation, and,
stamping with his foot, called him insolent scoundrel, threatening
to have him pinioned to the deck, if he should presume to utter
another syllable. But the blood of Caractacus being thoroughly
heated, disdained to be restricted by such a command, and began
to manifest itself in, "Captain Oakum, I am a shentleman of birth
and parentage (look you), and peradventure I am moreover." Here
his harangue was broken off by the captain's steward, who, being
Morgan's countryman, hurried him out of the cabin before he had
time to exasperate his master to a greater degree, and this would
certainly have been the case; for the indignant Welshman could
hardly be hindered by his friend's arguments and entreaties from
re-entering the presence-chamber, and defying Captain Oakum to his
teeth. He was, however appeased at length, and came down to the
berth, where, finding Thompson and me at work preparing medicines,
he bade us leave off our lapour to go to play, for the captain, by
his sole word, and power, and command, had driven sickness a pegging
to the tevil, and there was no more malady on board. So saying, he
drank off a gill of brandy sighed grievously three times, poured
fort an ejaculation of "Cot pless my heart, liver, and lungs!" and
then began to sing a Welsh song with great earnestness of visage,
voice, and gesture. I could not conceive the meaning of this
singular phenomenon, and saw by the looks of Thompson, who at the
same time shook his head, that he suspected poor Cadwallader's
brains were unsettled. He, perceiving our amazement, told us he
would explain the mystery; but at the same time bade us take notice,
that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man, and widower, almost
forty years, and in all that time there was no man, nor mother's
son in the whole world who durst use him so ill as Captain Oakum had
done. Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that passed between
them, as I have already related it: and had no sooner finished this
narration than he received a message from the surgeon, to bring
the sick-list to the quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all
the patients thither to be reviewed.

This inhuman order shocked us extremely, as we knew it would
be impossible to carry some of them on the deck, without imminent
danger of their lives: but, as we likewise knew it would be to
no purpose for us to remonstrate against it, we repaired to the
quarter-deck in a body, to see this extraordinary muster; Morgan
observing by the way, that the captain was going to send to the
other world a great many evidences to testify against himself.
When we appeared upon deck, the captain bade the doctor, who stood
bowing at his right hand, look at these lazy lubberly sons of
bitches, who were good for nothing on board but to eat the king's
provision, and encourage idleness in the skulkers. The surgeon
grinned approbation, and, taking the list, began to examine the
complaints of each as they could crawl to the place appointed. The
first who came under his cognizance was a poor fellow just freed
of a fever, which bad weakened him so much that he could hardly
stand.  Mr. Mackshane (for that was the doctor's name), having
felt his pulse, protested he was as well as any man in the world;
and the captain delivered him over to the boatswain's mate, with
orders that be should receive a round dozen at the gangway immediately,
for counterfeiting himself sick; but, before the discipline could
be executed, the man dropped down on the deck, and had well nigh
perished under the hands of the executioner. The next patient to
be considered, laboured under a quartan ague, and, being then in
his interval of health, discovered no other symptoms of distemper
than a pale meagre countenance and emaciated body; upon which he
was declared fit for duty, and turned over to the boatswain; but,
being resolved to disgrace the doctor, died upon the forecastle
next day, during his cold fit. The third complained of a pleuritic
stitch, and spitting of blood, for which Doctor Mackshane prescribed
exercise at the pump to promote expectoration! but whether this was
improper for one in his situation, or that it was used to excess,
I know not, but in less than half-an-hour he was suffocated
with a deluge of blood that issued from his lungs. A fourth, with
much difficulty, climbed to the quarter-deck, being loaded with a
monstrous ascites, or dropsy, that invaded his chest so much, he
could scarce fetch his breath; but his disease being interpreted into
fat, occasioned by idleness and excess of eating, he was ordered,
with a view to promote perspiration and enlarge his chest, to
go aloft immediately. It was in vain for this unwieldy wretch to
allege his utter incapacity; the boatswain's driver was commanded
to whip him up with the cat-and-nine-tails; the smart of this
application made him exert himself so much, that he actually arrived
at the puttock shrouds; but when the enormous weight of his body
had nothing else to support than his weakened arms, either out of
spite or necessity, he quitted his hold, and plunged into the sea,
where he must have been drowned, had not a sailor, who was in a
boat alongside, saved his life, by keeping him afloat till he was
hoisted on board by a tackle.

It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the fate of every
miserable object that suffered by the inhumanity and ignorance
of the captain and surgeon, who so wantonly sacrificed the lives
of their fellow-creatures. Many were brought up in the height of
fevers, and rendered delirious by the injuries they received in the
way. Some gave up the ghost in the presence of their inspectors;
and others, who were ordered to their duties, languished a few
days at work among their fellows, and then departed without any
ceremony. On the whole, the number of the sick was reduced to less
than a dozen; and the authors of this reduction were applauding
themselves for the services they had done to their king and country,
when the boatswain's mate informed his honour, that there was a
man below lashed to his hammock, by direction of the doctor's mate,
and that he begged hard to be released; affirming, he had been so
maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan bore him, and that he was
as much in his senses as any man aboard. The captain hearing this,
darted a severe look at the Welshman, and ordered the man to be
brought up immediately; upon which, Morgan protested with great
fervency, that the person in question was as mad as a March hare;
and begged for the love of Cot, they would at least keep his arms
pinioned during his examination, to prevent him from doing mischief.
This request the commander granted for his own sake, and the patient
was produced, who insisted upon his being in his right wits with
such calmness and strength of argument, that everybody present was
inclined to believe him, except Morgan, who affirmed there was no
trusting to appearances; for he himself had been so much imposed
upon by his behaviour two days before, that he had actually unbound
him with his own hands, and had well nigh been murdered for his
pains: this was confirmed by the evidence of one of the waiters,
who declared he had pulled this patient from the doctor's mate,
whom he had gotten down, and almost strangled. To this the man
answered, that the witness was a creature of Morgan's, and suborned
to give his testimony against him by the malice of the mate, whom
the defendant had affronted, by discovering to the people on board,
that Mr. Morgan's wife kept a gin-shop in Ragfair.  This anecdote
produced a laugh at the expense of the Welshman, who, shaking his
head with some emotion, said, "Ay, ay, 'tis no matter.  Cot knows,
it is an arrant falsehood." Captain Oakum, without any farther
hesitation, ordered the fellow to be unfettered; at the same time,
threatening to make Morgan exchange situations with him for his
spite; but the Briton no sooner heard the decision in favour of
the madman, than he got up to the mizen-shrouds, crying to Thompson
and me to get out of his reach, for we should see him play the devil
with a vengeance. We did not think fit to disregard his caution,
and accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac (as
soon as he was released) fly at the captain like a fury, crying,
"I'll let you know, you scoundrel, that I am commander of this
vessel," and pummel him without mercy. The surgeon, who went to
the assistance of his patron, shared the same fate; and it was with
the utmost difficulty that he was mastered at last, after having
done great execution among those who opposed him.





CHAPTER XXVIII




The Captain enraged, threatens to put the Madman to death with his
own hand--is diverted from that resolution by the arguments and
persuasion of the first Lieutenant and Surgeon-we set sail for St.
Helen's, join the fleet under the command of Sir C-- O--gle, and
proceed for the West Indies--are overtaken by a terrible tempest--my
friend Jack Rattlin has his leg broke by a fall from the mainyard--the
behaviour of Mr. Mackshane-Jack opposes the amputation of his limb,
in which he is seconded by Morgan and me, we undertake the cure
and perform it successfully


The captain was carried into his cabin, so enraged with the treatment
he had received, that he ordered the fellow to be brought before
him, that he might have the pleasure of pistoling him with his
own hand; and would certainly have satisfied his revenge in this
manner, had not the first lieutenant remonstrated against it, by
observing that, in all appearances, the fellow was not mad, but
desperate; that he had been hired by some enemy of the captain's
to him, and therefore ought to be kept in irons till he could be
brought to a court-martial, which, no doubt, would sift the affair to
the bottom (by which means important discoveries might be made),
and then sentence the criminal to a death according to his demerits.
This suggestion, improbable as it was, had the desired effect
upon the captain, being exactly calculated for the meridan of his
intellects; more especially as Dr. Mackshane espoused this opinion,
in consequence of his previous declaration that the man was not
mad. Morgan finding there was no more damage done, could not help
discovering by his countenance the pleasure he enjoyed on this
occasion; and, while he bathed the doctor's face with an embrocation,
ventured to ask him, whether he thought there were more fools or
madmen on board? But he would have been wiser in containing this
sally, which his patient carefully laid up in his memory, to be
taken notice of at a more fit season. Meanwhile we weighed anchor,
and, on our way to the Downs, the madman, who was treated as
a prisoner, took an opportunity, while the sentinel attending him
was at the head, to leap and frustrate the revenge of the captain.
We stayed not long at the Downs, but took the benefit of the first
easterly wind to go round to Spithead: where, having received
provisions on board for six months, we sailed from St.  Helen's in
the grand fleet bound for the West Indies, on the ever-memorable
expedition of Carthagena.

It was not without great mortification I saw myself on the point of
being transported to such a distant and unhealthy climate, destitute
of every convenience that could render such a voyage supportable,
and under the dominion of an arbitrary tyrant, whose command was
almost intolerable; however, as these complaints were common to
a great many on board, I resolved to submit patiently to my fate,
and contrive to make myself as easy as the nature of the case would
allow. We got out of the channel with a prosperous breeze, which
died away, leaving us becalmed about fifty leagues to the westward
of the Lizard: but this state of inaction did not last long; for
next night our maintop-sail was split by the wind, which, in the
morning, increased to a hurricane. I was awakened by a most horrible
din, occasioned by the play of the gun carriages upon the decks
above, the cracking of cabins, the howling of the wind through
the shrouds, the confused noise of the ship's crew, the pipes of
the boatswain and his mates, the trumpets of the lieutenants, and
the clanking of the chain pumps. Morgan who had never been at sea
before, turned out in a great hurry, crying, "Cot have mercy and
compassion upon us! I believe, we have cot upon the confines of
Lucifer and the d--n'd!" while poor Thompson lay quaking in his
hammock, putting up petitions to heaven for our safety. I rose and
joined the Welshman, with whom (after having fortified ourselves
with brandy) I went above; but if my sense of hearing was startled
before, how must my sight have been apalled in beholding the effects
of the storm! The sea was swelled into billows mountain-high, on
the top of which our ship sometimes hung as if it were about to be
precipitated to the abyss below!  Sometimes we sank between two
waves that rose on each side higher than our topmast-head, and
threatened by dashing together to overwhelm us in a moment! Of all
our fleet, consisting of a hundred and fifty sail, scarce twelve
appeared, and these driving under their bare poles, at the mercy
of the tempest. At length the mast of one of them gave way, and
tumbled overboard with a hideous crash! Nor was the prospect in
our own ship much more agreeable; a number of officers and sailors
ran backward and forward with distraction in their looks, halloaing
to one another, and undetermined what they should attend to first.
Some clung to the yards, endeavouring to unbend the sails that were
split into a thousand pieces flapping in the wind; others tried to
furl those which were yet whole, while the masts, at every pitch,
bent and quivered like twigs, as if they would have shivered into
innumerable splinters! While I considered this scene with equal
terror and astonishment, one of the main braces broke, by the shock
whereof two sailors were flung from the yard's arm into the sea,
where they perished, and poor Jack Rattlin thrown down upon the
deck, at the expense of a broken leg. Morgan and I ran immediately
to his assistance, and found a splinter of the shin-bone thrust by
the violence of the fall through the skin; as this was a case of
too great consequence to be treated without the authority of the
doctor I went down to his cabin to inform him of the accident, as
well as to bring up dressings which we always kept ready prepared.
I entered his apartment without any ceremony, and, by the glimmering
of a lamp, perceived him on his knees before something that very
much resembled a crucifix; but this I will not insist upon, that I
may not seem too much a slave to common report, which indeed assisted
my conjecture on this occasion, by representing Dr.  Mackshane as
a member of the church of Rome. Be this as it will, he got up in
a sort of confusion, occasioned (I suppose) by his being disturbed
in his devotion, and in a trice snatched the subject of my suspicion
from my sight.

After making an apology for my intrusion, I acquainted him with
the situation of Rattlin, but could by no means prevail upon him
to visit him on deck, where he lay; he bade me desire the boatswain
to order some of the men to carry him down to the cockpit, "and in
the meantime," said he, "I will direct Thompson to get ready the
dressings." When I signified to the boatswain the doctor's desire,
he swore a terrible oath, that he could not spare one man from deck,
because he expected the mast would go by the board every minute.
This piece of information did not at all contribute to my peace
of mind; however, as my friend Rattlin complained very much, with
the assistance of Morgan I supported him to the lower deck, whither
Mr. Mackshane, after much entreaty, ventured to come, attended by
Thompson, with a box full of dressings, and his own servant, who
carried a whole set of capital instruments. He examined the fracture
and the wound, and concluding, from a livid colour extending itself
upon the limb, that mortification would ensue, resolved to amputate
the leg immediately. This was a dreadful sentence to the patient,
who, recruiting himself with a quid of tobacco, pronounced with
a woful countenance, "What! is there no remedy, doctor! must I be
dock'd? can't you splice it?" "Assuredly, Doctor Mackshane," said
the first mate, "with submission, and deference, and veneration,
to your superior apilities, and opportunities, and stations, look
you, I do apprehend, and conjure, and aver, that there is no occasion
nor necessity to smite off this poor man's leg." "God Almighty
bless you, dear Welshman!" cried Rattlin, "may you have fair wind
and weather wheresoever you're bound, and come to an anchor in
the road of heaven at last!" Mackshane, very much incensed at his
mate's differing in opinion from him, so openly, answered, that he
was not bound to give an account of his practice to him; and in a
peremptory tone, ordered him to apply the tourniquet. At the sight
of which, Jack, starting up, cried, "Avast, avast! D--n my heart,
if you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore! Mr. Random,
won't you lend a hand towards saving my precious limb! Odd's heart,
if Lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not suffer Jack Rattlin's
leg to be chopped off like a piece of old junk."

This pathetic address to me, joined to my inclination to serve my
honest friend, and the reasons I had to believe there was no danger
in delaying the amputation, induced me to declare myself of the
first mate's opinion, and affirm that the preternatural colour of
the skin was owing to an inflammation, occasioned by a contusion,
and common in all such cases, without any indication of an approaching
gangrene. Morgan, who had a great opinion of my skill, manifestly
exulted in my fellowship, and asked Thompson's sentiments in the
matter, in hopes of strengthening our association with him too;
but he, being of a meek disposition, and either dreading the enmity
of the surgeon, or speaking the dictates of his own judgment, in a
modest manner espoused the opinion of Mackshane, who by this time
having consulted with himself, determined to act in such a manner
as to screen himself from censure, and at the same time revenge
himself on us, for our arrogance in contradicting him.  With this
view, he asked if we would undertake to cure the leg at our peril:
that is, be answerable for the consequence. To this question, Morgan
replied, that the lives of his creatures are at the hands of Cot
alone; and it would be great presumption in him to undertake for an
event that was in the power of his Maker, no more than the doctor
could promise to cure all the sick to whom he administered his
assistance; but if the patient would put himself under our direction,
we would do our endeavour to bring his distemper to a favourable
issue, to which at present we saw no obstruction.

I signified my concurrence; and Rattlin was so overjoyed that,
shaking us both by the hands, he swore nobody else should touch
him, and, if he died, his blood should be upon his own head. Mr.
Mackshane, flattering himself with the prospect of our miscarriage,
went away, and left us to manage it as we should think proper;
accordingly, having sawed off part of the splinter that stuck
through the skin, we reduced the fracture, dressed the wound, applied
the eighteen-tailed bandage, and put the leg in a box, secundam
artem. Everything succeeded according to our wish, and we had the
satisfaction of not only preserving the poor fellow's leg, but
likewise of rendering the doctor contemptible among the ship's
company, who had all their eyes on us during the course of this
cure, which was completed in six weeks.





CHAPTER XXIX




Mackshane's malice--I am taken up and imprisoned for a spy--Morgan
meets with the same fate--Thompson is tampered with to turn
evidence against us--disdains the proposal, and is maltreated for
his integrity--Morgan is released to assist the Surgeon during an
engagement with some French ships-of-war--I remain fettered on the
poop, exposed to the enemy's shot, and grow delirious with fear--am
comforted after the battle by Morgan, who speaks freely of the
captain, is overheard by the sentinel, who informs against him, and
again imprisoned--Thompson grows desperate, and, notwithstanding
the remonstrances of Morgan and me, goes overboard in the night


In the meantime the storm subsided into a brisk gale, that carried
us into the warm latitudes, where the weather became intolerable,
and the crew very sickly. The doctor left nothing unattempted
towards the completion of his vengeance against the Welshman and
me. He went among the sick under pretence of inquiring into their
grievances, with a view of picking up complaints to our prejudice;
but, finding himself frustrated in that expectation by the goodwill
we bad procured from the patients by our diligence and humanity,
he took the resolution of listening to our conversation, by hiding
himself behind the canvas that surrounded our berth; here too he
was detected by the boy of our mess, who acquainted us with this
piece of behaviour, and one night, while we were picking a large
bone of salt beef, Morgan discerned something stir on the outside
of our hangings, which immediately interpreting to be the doctor,
he tipped me the wink, and pointed to the place, where I could
perceive somebody standing; upon which, I snatched up the bone,
and levelled it with all my force at him, saying, "Whoever you are,
take that for your curiosity." It had the desired effect, for we
heard the listener tumble down, and afterwards crawl to his own
cabin. I applauded myself much for this feat, which turned out
one of the most unlucky exploits of my life, Mackshane, from that
time, marking me out for destruction.

About a week after this exploit, as I was going my rounds among
the sick, I was taken prisoner, and carried to the poop by the
master-at-arms, where I was loaded with irons, and stapled to the
deck, on pretence that I was a spy on board, and had conspired
against the captain's life. How ridiculous soever this imputation
was, I did not fail to suffer by it all the rigour that could be
shown to the worst of criminals, being exposed in this miserable
condition to the scorching heat of the sun by day, and the unwholesome
damps by night, during the space of twelve days, in which I was
neither brought to trial, nor examined touching the probability
of the charge. I had no sooner recovered the use of my reflection,
which had been quite overthrown by this accident, than I sent for
Thompson, who, after condoling me on the occasion, hinted, that
I owed this misfortune to the hatred of the doctor, who had given
an information against me to the captain, in consequence of which
I was arrested, and all my papers seized. While I was cursing
my capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the poop, guarded by two
corporals, who made him sit down by me, that he might be pinioned
in the same machine. Notwithstanding my situation, I could scarce
refrain from laughing at the countenance of my fellow prisoner, who,
without speaking one word, allowed his feet to be inclosed in the
rings provided for that purpose; but, when they pretended to fasten
him on his back he grew outrageous, and drawing a large couteau
from his side-pocket, threatened to rip up the belly of the first
man that should approach him, in order to treat him in such an
unworthy manner. They were prepared to use him very roughly, when
the lieutenant on the quarter-deck called up to them to let him
remain as he was. He then crept towards me, and, taking me by the
hand, bade me "put my trust in Cot." And looking at Thompson, who
sat by us trembling, with a pale visage; told him there were two
more rings for his feet, and he should be glad to find him in such
good company. But it was not the intention of our adversary to
include the second mate in our fate: him he expected to be his drudge
in attending the sick and, if possible, his evidence against us:
with this view he sounded him afar off, but, finding his integrity
incorruptible, harrassed him so much out of spite, that in a short
time this mild creature grew weary of his life.

While I and my fellow prisoner comforted each other in our
tribulation, the admiral discovered four sail to leeward and made
signal for our ship and four more to chase: hereupon everything
was cleared for an engagement, and Mackshane, foreseeing he should
have occasion for more assistants than one obtained Morgan's
liberty, while I was let in this deplorable posture to the chance
of battle.  It was almost dark when we came up with the sternmost
chase, which we hailed, and inquired who they were. They gave us to
understand they were French men-of-war, upon which Captain Oakum
commanded them to send their boat on board of him! but they refused,
telling him, if he had any business with them, to come on board of
their ship: he then threatened to pour in a broadside upon them,
which they promised to retain. Both sides were as good as their
word, and the engagement began with great fury. The reader may guess
how I passed my time, lying in this helpless situation, amidst the
terrors of a sea-fight; expecting every moment to be cut asunder,
or dashed in pieces by the enemy's shot! I endeavoured to compose
myself as much as possible, by reflecting that I was not a whit
more exposed than those who were stationed about me; but, when I
beheld them employed without intermission in annoying the foe, and
encouraged by the society and behaviour of one another, I could
easily perceive a wide difference between their condition and
mine: however, I concealed my agitation as well as I could till the
head of the officer of marines who stood near me, being shot off,
bounced from the deck athwart my face, leaving me well nigh blinded
with brains. I could contain myself no longer, but began to bellow
with all the strength of my lungs; when a drummer, coming towards
me asked if I was wounded, and, before I could answer, received
a great shot in his belly, which tore out his entrails, and he
fell flat on my breast. This accident entirely bereft me of all
discretion; I redoubled my cries, which were drowned in the noise
of the battle; and, finding myself disregarded, lost all patience,
and. became frantic. I vented my rage in oaths and execrations, till
my spirits, being quite exhausted, I remained quiet, as insensible
of the load that oppressed me.

The engagement lasted till broad day, when Captain Oakum, finding
he was like to gain neither honour nor advantage by the affair,
pretended to be undeceived by seeing their colours; and, hailing
the ship whom he had fought all night, protested he believed them
Spaniards; and the guns being silenced on each side, ordered the
barge to be hoisted out, and went on board the French commodore.
Our loss amounted to ten killed, and eighteen wounded, most part
of whom afterwards died. My fellow-mates bad no sooner despatched
their business in the cock-pit, than, full of friendly concern,
they came to visit me. Morgan, ascending first, and seeing my face
almost covered with brains and blood, concluded I was no longer a
man for this world; and, calling to Thompson with great emotion,
bade him come up, and take his last farewell of his comrade and
countryman, who was posted to a better place, where there were no
Mackshanes nor Oakums to asperse and torment him. "No," said he,
taking me by the hand, "you are going to a country where there is
more respect sown to unfortunate shentlemen, and where you will
have the satisfaction of peholding your adversaries tossing upon
pillows of purning primstone." Thompson, alarmed at this apostrophe,
made haste to the place where I lay, and sitting down by me, with
tears in his eyes inquired into the nature of my calamity. By this
time I had recollected myself so far as to be able to converse
rationally with my friends, whom, to their great satisfaction,
I immediately undeceived with regard to their apprehension of my
being mortally wounded.

After I had got myself disengaged from the carnage in which I
wallowed, and partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought
along with them, we entered into discourse upon the hardships we
sustained, and spoke very freely of the author of our misery; but
our discourse being overheard by the sentinel who guarded me, he was
no sooner relieved than he reported to the captain every syllable
of our conversation, according to the orders he had received. The
effect of this information soon appeared in the arrival of the
master-at-arms, who replaced Morgan in his former station, and gave
the second mate a caution to keep a strict guard over his tongue,
if he did not choose to accompany us in our confinement. Thompson,
foreseeing that the whole slavery of attending the sick and
wounded, as well as the cruelty of Mackshane, must now fall upon
his shoulders, grew desperate at the prospect, and, though I never
heard him swear before, imprecated dreadful curses on the heads of
his oppressors, declaring that he would rather quit life altogether
than be much longer under the power of such barbarians. I was not
a little startled at his vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate
his complaints, by representing the subject of my own, with as much
aggravation as it would bear, by which comparison he might see the
balance of misfortune lay on my side, and take an example from me
of fortitude and submission, till such time as we could procure
redress, which I hoped was not far off, considering that we should
probably be in a harbour in less than three days, where we should
have an opportunity of preferring our complaints to the admiral.
The Welshman joined in my remonstrance, and was at great pains
to demonstrate that it was every man's duty as well as interest
to resign himself to the divine will, and look upon himself as n
sentinel upon duty, who is by no means at liberty to leave his post
before he is relieved.  Thompson listened attentively to what he
said, and at last, shedding a flood of tears, shook his hand, and
left us without making any reply. About eleven at night he came to
see us again with a settled gloom on his countenance, and gave us
to understand that he had undergone excessive toil since he saw
us, and in recompense had been grossly abused by the doctor, who
taxed him with being confederate with us, in a design of taking away
his life and that of the captain. After some time spent in mutual
exhortation, he got up, and squeezing me by the hand with uncommon
fervour, cried, "God bless you both!" and left us to wonder at his
singular manner of parting with us, which did not fail to make a
deep impression on us both.

Next morning, when the hour of visitation came round, the unhappy
young man was missing, and, after strict search, supposed to have
gone overboard in the night; and this was certainly the case.





CHAPTER XXX




We lament the fate of our companion--the Captain offers Morgan
his liberty, which he refuses to accept--we are brought before him
and examined--Morgan is sent back into custody, whither also I am
remanded after a curious trial


The news of this event affected my fellow prisoner and me extremely,
as our unfortunate companion had justly acquired by his amiable
disposition the love and esteem of us both; and the more we regretted
his untimely fate, the greater horror we conceived for the villain
who was undoubtedly the occasion of it. This abandoned miscreant
did not discover the least symptom of concern for Thompson's death,
although he must have been conscious to himself of having driven
him by ill usage to the fatal resolution, but desired the captain
to set Morgan at liberty again to look after the patients. Accordingly
one of the corporals was sent up to unfetter him, but he protested
he would not be released until he should know for what he was
confined; nor would he be a tennisball, nor a shuttlecock, nor a
trudge, nor a scullion, to any captain under the sun. Oakum, finding
him obstinate, and fearing it would not be in his power to exercise
his tyranny much longer with impunity, was willing to show some
appearance of justice and therefore ordered us both to be brought
before him on the quarter-deck, where he sat in state, with his
cleric on one side, and his counsellor Mackshane on the other. When
we approached, he honoured us with this salutation: "So, gentlemen,
d--n my blood! many a captain in the navy would have ordered you
both to be tucked up to the yard's arm, without either judge or
jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of; but, d--n my blood,
I have too much good nature in allowing such dogs as you to make
defence." "Captain Oakum," said my fellow-sufferer, "certainly it
is in your power (Cot help the while) to tack us all up at your
will, desire, and pleasures. And perhaps it would be petter for
some of us to be tucked up than to undergo the miseries to which
we have been exposed. So may the farmer hang his kids for his
diversion, and amusement, and mirth; but there is such a thing as
justice, if not upon earth, surely in heaven, that will punish with
fire and primstone all those who take away the lives of innocent
people out of wantonness, and parparity (look you). In the mean
time. I shall be glad to know the crimes laid to my charge, and
see the person who accuses me." "That you shall," said the captain;
"here, doctor, what have you to say?" Mackshane, stepping forward,
hemmed a good while, in order to clear his throat, and, before
he began, Morgan accosted him thus: "Doctor Mackshane, look in my
face--look in the face of an honest man, who abhors a false witness
as he abhors the tevil, and Cot be judge between you and me." The
doctor, not minding this conjuration, made the following speech.
as near as I can remember: "I'll tell you what, Mr. Morgan; to be
sure what you say is just, in regard to an honest man, and if so
be it appears as how you are an honest man, then it is my opinion
that you deserve to be acquitted, in relation to that there affair,
for I tell you what, Captain Oakum is resolved for to do everybody
justice. As for my own part, all that I have to allege is, that
I have been informed you have spoken disrespectful words against
your captain, who, to be sure, is the most honourable and generous
commander in the king's service, without asparagement or acception
of man, woman, or child."

Having uttered this elegant harangue, on which he seemed to plume
himself, Morgan replied, "I do partly guess, and conceive, and
understand your meaning, which I wish could be more explicit; but,
however, I do suppose, I am not to be condemned upon bare hearsay;
or, if I am convicted of speaking disrespectfully of Captain Oakum,
I hope there is no treason in my words." "But there's mutiny, by
G--d, and that's death by the articles of war!" cried Oakum: "In
the meantime, let the witnesses be called." Hereupon Mackshane's
servant appeared, and the boy of our mess, whom they had seduced
and tutored for the purpose. The first declared, that Morgan as
he descended the cockpit-ladder one day, cursed the captain, and
called him a savage beast, saying, he ought to be hunted down as an
enemy to mankind. "This," said the clerk, "is a strong presumption
of a design, formed against the captain's life. For why? It presupposes
malice aforethought, and a criminal intention a priori." "Right,"
said the captain to this miserable grub, who had been an attorney's
boy, "you shall have law enough: here's Cook and Littlejohn to it."
This evidence was confirmed by the boy, who affirmed, he heard the
first mate say, that the captain had no more bowels than a bear,
and the surgeon had no more brain than an ass.  Then the sentinel,
who heard our discourse on the poop was examined, and informed
the court that the Welshman assured me, Captain Oakum and Doctor
Mackshane would toss upon billows of burning brimstone in bell
for their barbarity. The clerk observed, that there was an evident
prejudication, which confirmed the former suspicion of a conspiracy
against the life of Captain Oakum; for, because, how could Morgan
so positively pronounce that the captain and surgeon would d--n'd,
unless he had intention to make away with them before they could
have time to repent? This sage explanation had great weight with
our noble commander, who exclaimed, "What have you to say to this,
Taffy? yon seem to be taken all a-back, brother, ha!" Morgan was
too much of a gentleman to disown the text, although he absolutely
denied the truth of the comment. Upon which the captain, strutting
up to him with a ferocious countenance, said, "So Mr. son of a bitch,
you confess you honoured me with the names of bear and beast, and
pronounced my damnation?  D--n my heart! I have a good mind to have
you brought to a court-martial and hang'd, you dog." Here Mackshane,
having occasion for an assistant, interposed, and begged the captain
to pardon Mr.  Morgan with his wonted goodness, upon condition
that he the delinquent should make such submission as the nature
of his misdemeanour demanded. Upon which the Cambro-Briton, who
on this occasion would have made no submission to the Great Mogul,
surrounded with his guards, thanked the doctor for his mediation,
and acknowledged himself in the wrong for calling the image of Cot
a peast. "but," said he, "I spoke by metaphor, and parable, and
comparison, and types; as we signify meekness by a lamb, lechery by
a goat, and craftiness by a fox; so we liken ignorance to an ass,
and brutality to a bear, and fury to a tiger; therefore I made use
of these similes to express my sentiments (look you), and what I
said before Cot, I will not unsay before man nor peast neither."

Oakum was so provoked at this insolence (as he termed it,) that he
ordered him forthwith to be carried to the place of his confinement,
and his clerk to proceed on the examination of me. The first question
put to me was touching the place of my nativity, which I declared
to be the north of Scotland. "The north of Ireland more like!"
cried the captain; "but we shall bring you up presently." He then
asked what religion I professed; and when I answered "the Protestant,"
swore I was an arrant Roman as ever went to mass. "Come, come,
clerk," continued he, "catechise him a little on this subject." But
before I relate the particulars of the clerk's inquiries, it will
not be amiss to inform the reader that our commander himself was
an Hibernian, and, if not shrewdly belied, a Roman Catholic to
boot. "You say, you are a Protestant," said the clerk; "make the
sign of the cross with your finger, so, and swear upon it to that
affirmation." When I was about to perform the ceremony, the captain
cried with some emotion, "No, no, d--me!  I'll have no profanation
neither. But go on with your interrogations." "Well then," proceeded
my examiner, "how many sacraments are there?" To which I replied,
"Two." "What are they?" said he. I answered, "Baptism and the
Lord's Supper." "And so you would explode confirmation and marriage
altogether?" said Oakum. "I thought this fellow was a rank Roman."
The clerk, though he was bred under an attorney, could not refrain
from blushing at this blunder, which he endeavoured to conceal,
by observing, that these decoys would not do with me, who seemed
to be an old offender. He went on with asking, if I believed in
transubstantiation; but I treated the notion of real presence with
such disrespect, that his patron was scandalised at my impiety,
and commanded him to proceed to the plot. Whereupon this miserable
pettifogger told me, there was great reason to suspect me of being
a spy on board, and that I had entered into a conspiracy with
Thompson, and others not yet detected, against the life of Captain
Oakum, which accusation they pretended to support by the evidence
of our boy, who declared he had often heard the deceased Thompson
and me whispering together, and could distinguish the words, "Oakum,
rascal, poison, pistol;" by which expressions it appeared, we did
intend to use sinister means to accomplish his destruction. That
the death of Thompson seemed to confirm this conjecture, who, either
feeling the stings of remorse for being engaged in such a horrid
confederacy, or fearing a discovery, by which he must have infallibly
suffered an ignominious death, had put a fatal period to his own
existence. But what established the truth of the whole was, a book
in cyphers found among my papers, which exactly tallied with one
found in his chest, after his disappearance. This, he observed,
was a presumption very near positive proof, and would determine
any jury in Christendom to find me guilty. In my own defence, I
alleged, that I had been dragged on board at first very much against
my inclination, as I could prove by the evidence of some people now
in the ship, consequently could have no design of becoming spy at
that time; and ever since had been entirely out of the reach of any
correspondence that could justly entail that suspicion upon me. As
for conspiring against my captain's life, it could not be supposed
that any man in his right wits would harbour the least thought of
such an undertaking, which he could not possibly perform without
certain infamy and ruin to himself, even if he had all the inclination
in the world. That, allowing the boy's evidence to be true (which
I affirmed was false and malicious), nothing conclusive could be
gathered from a few incoherent words; neither was the fate of Mr.
Thompson a circumstance more favourable for the charge; for I had
in my pocket a letter which too well explained that mystery, in
a very different manner from that which was supposed. With these
words, I produced the following letter, which Jack Rattlin brought
to me the very day after Thompson disappeared; and told me it was
committed to his care by the deceased, who made him promise not to
deliver it sooner. The clerk, taking it out of my hand, read aloud
the contents, which were these;

    'Dear Friend,--I am so much oppressed with the fatigue
    I daily and nightly undergo, and the barbarous usage
    of Doctor Mackshane, who is bent on your destruction
    as well as mine, that I am resolved to free myself from
    this miserable life, and, before you receive this, shall
    be no more. I could have wished to die in your good
    opinion, which I am afraid I shall forfeit by the last
    act of my life; but, if you cannot acquit me, I know you
    will at least preserve some regard for the memory of an
    unfortunate young man who loved you. I recommend it to
    you, to beware of Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable.
    I wish all prosperity to you and Mr. Morgan, to whom
    pray offer my last respects, and beg to be remembered
    as your unhappy friend and countryman,
                              'William Thompson.'

This letter was no sooner read, than Mackshane, in a transport
of rage, snatched it out of the clerk's hands, and tore it into
a thousand pieces, saying, it was a villainous forgery, contrived
and executed by myself. The captain and clerk declared themselves
of the same opinion, although I insisted of having the remains
of it compared with other writings of Thompson, which they had in
their possession; and I was ordered to answer the last article of
my accusation, namely, the book of ciphers found among my papers.
"That is easily done," said I. "What you are pleased to all ciphers,
are no other than the Greek characters, in which, for my amusement,
I keep a diary of everything remarkable that has occurred to
my observation since the beginning of the voyage, till the day in
which I was put in irons; and the same method was practised by Mr.
Thompson, who copied mine." "A very likely story," cried Mackshane;
"what occasion was there for using Greek characters, if you were
not afraid of discovering what you had wrote? But what d'ye talk
of Greek characters? D'ye think I am so ignorant of the Greek
language, as not to distinguish its letters from these, which are
no more Greek than Chinese? No, no, I will not give up my knowledge
of the Greek for you, nor none that ever came from your country."
So saying, with an unparalleled effrontery, he repeated some
gibberish, which by the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it pass
for Greek with the captain, who, looking at me with a contemptuous
sneer, exclaimed, "Ah, ah! have you caught a tartar?" I could not
help smiling at the consummate assurance of this Hibernian, and
offered to refer the dispute to anybody on board who understood
the Greek alphabet. Upon which Morgan was brought back, and, being
made acquainted with the affair, took the book, and read a whole
page in English, without hesitation, deciding the controversy
in my favour. The doctor was so far from being out of countenance
at this detection, that he affirmed Morgan was in the secret, and
repeated from his own invention. Oakum said, "Ay, ay, I see they
are both in a story;" and dismissed my fellow-mate to his cockloft,
although I proposed that he and I should read and translate, separately,
any chapter or verse in the Greek Testament in his possession, by
which it would appear whether we or the surgeon spoke truth. Not
being endued with eloquence enough to convince the captain that there
could be no juggle nor confederacy in this expedient, I begged to
be examined by some unconcerned person on board, who understood
Greek.  Accordingly, the whole ship's company, officers and all,
were called upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed that, if anyone
of them could speak Greek, he or they so qualified should ascend
the quarter-deck immediately. After some pause, two foremast men
came up, and professed their skill in that language, which, they
said, they acquired during several voyages to the Levant, among the
Greeks of the Morea. The captain exulted much in this declaration,
and put my journal book into the hands of one of them, who candidly
owned he could neither read nor write; the other acknowledged the
same degree of ignorance, but pretended to speak the Greek lingo
with any man on board; and, addressing himself to me, pronounced
some sentences of a barbarous corrupted language, which I did not
understand. I asserted that the modern Greek was as different from
that spoken and written by the ancients, as the English used now
from the old Saxon spoke in the time of Hengist: and, as I had
only learned the true original tongue, in which Homer, Pindar, the
Evangelists, and other great men of antiquity wrote, it could not
be supposed that I should know anything of an imperfect Gothic
dialect that rose on the ruins of the former, and scarce retained
any traces of the old expression: but, if Doctor Mackshane, who
pretended to be master of the Greek language, could maintain a
conversation with these seamen, I would retract what I had said,
and be content to suffer any punishment be should think proper
to inflict. I had no sooner uttered these words than the surgeon,
knowing one of the fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in
Irish, and was answered in the same brogue; then a dialogue ensued
between them, which they affirmed to be in Greek, after having secured
the secrecy of the other tar, who had his cue in the language of
the Morea, from his companion, before they would venture to assert
such an intrepid falsehood. "I thought," said Oakum, "we should
discover the imposture at last. Let the rascal be carried back to
his confinement. I find he must dangle." Having nothing further
to urge in my own behalf, before a court so prejudiced with spite,
and fortified with ignorance against truth, I suffered myself to
be reconducted peaceably to my fellow-prisoner, who, hearing the
particulars of my trial, lifted up his hands and eyes to Heaven,
and uttered a dreadful groan: and, not daring to disburden his
thoughts to me by speech, lest he might be overheard by the sentinel,
burst forth into a Welsh song, which he accompanied with a thousand
contortions of face and violent gestures of body.





CHAPTER XXXI




I discover a subornation against me, by means of a quarrel between two
of the evidences; in consequence of which I am set at liberty, and
prevail upon Morgan to accept of his freedom on the same terms--Mackshane's
malice--we arrive at Jamaica, from whence in a short time we beat
up to Hispaniola, in conjunction with the West India squadron--we
take in water, sail again, and arrive at Carthagena--Reflections
on our conduct there


Meanwhile, a quarrel happening between the two modern Greeks, the
one, to be revenged of the other, came and discovered to us the
mystery of Mackshane's dialogue, as I have explained it above. This
detection coming to the ears of the doctor, who was sensible that
(now we were in sight of Jamaica) we should have an opportunity of
clearing ourselves before a court-martial, and, at the same time,
of making his malice and ignorance conspicuous, he interceded for
us with the captain so effectually, that in a few hours we were set
at liberty, and ordered to return to our duty. This was a happy
event for me, my whole body being blistered by the sun, and my
limbs benumbed by want of motion: but I could scarce persuade the
Welshman to accept of this indulgence, he persisted in his obstinacy
to remain in irons, until he should be discharged by a court-martial,
which, he believed. would also do him justice on his enemies. At
length I represented to him the precarious issue of a trial, the
power and interest of his adversaries, and flattered his revenge
with the hope of wreaking his resentment with his own hands upon
Mackshane after our return to England. This last argument had more
weight with him than all the rest, and prevailed upon him to repair
with me to the cockpit, which I no sooner entered, than the idea of
my departed friend presented itself to my remembrance, and filled
my eyes with tears. We discharged from our mess the boy who had
acted so perfidiously, notwithstanding his tears, intreaties, and
of penitence for what he had done; but not before he had confessed
that the surgeon had bribed him to give evidence against us, with
a pair of stockings and a couple of old check shirts, of which his
servant had since plundered him.

The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us by the doctor,
we detained the messenger until we had examined the contents; and my
fellow-mate, finding all his Cheshire cheese consumed to a crust,
his brandy exhausted, and his onions gone, was seized with a fit
of choler, which he discharged on Mackshane's man in oaths and
execrations, threatening to prosecute him as a thief. The fellow
swore in his turn, that he never had the keys in his possession
till that time, when he received them from his master with orders
to deliver them to us. "As Cot is my judge," cried Morgan, "and my
salfation, and my witness; whosoever has pilfered my provisions is
a lousy, peggarly, rascally knave! and by the soul of my grandsire,
I will impeach, and accuse, and indict him, of a roppery, if I did
but know who he is." Had this misfortune happened at see, where we
could not repair the loss, in all probability this descendant of
Caractacus would have lost his wits entirely; but, when I observed
how easy it would be to remedy this paltry mischance, he became
more calm, and reconciled himself to the occasion.

A little while after this transport the surgeon came into the birth,
under pretence of taking something out of the medicine chest, and,
with a smiling aspect, wished us joy of our deliverance, which,
he said, he had been at great pains to obtain of the captain, who
was very justly incensed at our behaviour; but he, the doctor,
had passed his word for our future conduct, and he hoped we should
give him no cause to repent of his kindness. He expected, no doubt,
an acknowledgment from us for this pretended piece of service, as
well as a general amnesty of what was past; but he had to do with
people who were not quite so apt to forgive injuries as he imagined,
or to forget that, if our deliverance was owing to his mediation,
our calamity was occasioned by his malice; I therefore sat silent,
while my companion answered, "Ay, ay, 'tis no matter, Cot knows
the heart; there is a time for all things, as the wise man saith;
there is a time for throwing away stones, and to gather them up."
He seemed to be disconcerted at this reply, and went away in a pet,
muttering something about "Ingratitude," and "Fellows," of which
we did not think fit to take any notice.

Our fleet, having joined another that waited for us, lay at anchor
about a month in the harbour of Port Royal in Jamaica, during
which time something of consequence was certainly transacted;
notwithstanding the insinuations of some, who affirmed we had no
business at all in that place; that, in order to take the advantage
of the season proper for our enterprise, the West India squadron,
which had previous notice of our coming, ought to have joined us at
the west end of Hispaniola, with necessary stores and refreshments,
from whence we could have sailed directly for Carthagena, before
the enemy could put themselves in a good posture of defence, or,
indeed, have an inkling of our design. Be this as it will, we sailed
from Jamaica, and, in ten days or a fortnight, beat up against the
wind as far as the Isle of Vache, with an intention, as was said,
to attack the French fleet, then supposed to be lying near that
place; but before we arrived, they had sailed for Europe, having
first dispatched an advice-boat to Carthagena, with an account of
our being in those seas, as also of our strength and destination.
We loitered here some days longer, taking in wood and brackish
water, in the use whereof, however, our admiral seemed to consult
the health of the men, by restricting each to a quart a day.

At length we set sail, and arrived in a bay to the windward of
Carthagena, where we came to an anchor, and lay at our ease ten
days longer. Here, again, certain malicious people took occasion to
blame the conduct of their superiors, by saying, that in so doing
they not only unprofitably wasted time, which was very precious,
considering the approach of the rainy season, but also allowed the
Spaniards to recollect themselves from a terror occasioned by the
approach of an English fleet, at least three times as numerous
as ever appeared in that part of the world before. But if I might
be allowed to give my opinion of the matter, I would ascribe this
delay to the generosity of our chiefs, who scorned to take any
advantage that fortune might give them even over an enemy. At last,
however, we weighed, and anchored again somewhat nearer the harbour's
mouth, where we made shift to land our marines, who encamped on
the beach, in despite of the enemy's shot, which knocked a good
many of them on the head. This piece of conduct, in choosing a
camp under the walls of an enemy's fortification, which I believe
never happened before, was practised, I presume, with a view of
accustoming the soldiers to stand fire, who were not as yet much used
to discipline, most of them having been taken from the plough-tail
a few months before. This expedient, again, has furnished matter
for censure against the ministry, for sending a few raw recruits
on such an important enterprise, while so many veteran regiments
lay inactive at home. But surely our governors had their reasons
for so doing, which possibly may be disclosed with other secrets
of the deep. Perhaps they were loth to risk their best troops on
such desperate service, or the colonel and the field officers of
the old corps, who, generally speaking, enjoyed their commissions
as sinecures or pensions, for some domestic services rendered to
the court, refused to embark in such a dangerous and precarious
undertaking; for which refusal, no doubt, they are to be much
commended.




CHAFTER XXII



Our Land Forces being disembarked, erect a fascine battery-our
ship is ordered, with four more, to batter the port of Bocca
Chica--Mackshane's cowardice-the Chaplain's frenzy--honest Rattlin
loses one hand--his heroism and reflections on the battle--Crampley's
behaviour to me during the heat of the Fight


Our forces being landed and stationed as I have already mentioned,
set about erecting a fascine battery to cannonade the principal
fort of the enemy; and in something more than three weeks, it was
ready to open. That we might do the Spaniards as much honour as
possible, it was determined, in a council of war, that five of our
largest ships should attack the fort on one side, while the battery,
strengthened by two mortars and twenty-four cohorns, should ply it
on the other.

Accordingly, the signal for our ship to engage, among others, was
hoisted, we being advertised, the night before, to make everything
clear for that purpose; and, in so doing, a difference happened
between Captain Oakum and his well-beloved cousin and counsellor
Mackshane, which had well nigh terminated in an open rupture. The
doctor, who had imagined there was no more danger of being hurt by
the enemy's shot in the cockpit than in the centre of the earth,
was lately informed that a surgeon's mate had been killed in that
part of the ship by a cannon-ball from two small redoubts that were
destroyed before the disembarkation of our soldiers; and therefore
insisted upon having a platform raised for the convenience of
the sick and wounded in the after-hold, where he deemed himself
more secure than on the deck above. The captain, offended at this
extraordinary proposal, accused him of pusillanimity, and told him,
there was no room in the hold for such an occasion: or, if there
was, he could not expect to be indulged more than the rest of the
surgeons of the navy, who used the cockpit for that purpose. Fear
rendering Mackshane obstinate, he persisted in his demand, and
showed his instructions, by which it was authorised; the captain
swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel of lazy poltroons
who were never at sea; nevertheless he was obliged to comply, and
sent for the carpenter to give him orders about it.  But, before
any such measure could be taken, our signal was thrown out, and the
doctor compelled to trust his carcass in the cockpit, where Morgan
and I were busy in putting our instruments and dressings in order.

Our ship, with others destined for this service, immediately weighed,
and in less than half-an-hour came to an anchor before the castle
of Bocca Chica, with a spring upon our cable, and the cannonading
(which indeed was dreadful) began. The surgeon, after having crossed
himself, fell flat on the deck; and the chaplain and purser, who were
stationed with us in quality of assistants, followed his example,
while the Welshman and I sat upon a chest looking at one another
with great discomposure, scarce able to refrain from the like
prostration. And that the reader may know it was not a common
occasion that alarmed us thus, I must inform him of the particulars
of this dreadful din that astonished us. The fire of the Spaniards
proceeded from eighty-four great guns, besides a mortar and small
arms, in Bocca Chica; thirty-six in Fort St. Joseph; twenty in two
fascine batteries, and four men-of-war, mounting sixty-four guns
each. This was answered by our land-battery mounted with twenty-ono
cannon, two mortars, and twenty-four cohorns, and five great ships
of seventy or eighty guns, that fired without intermission.

We had not been many minutes engaged, when one of the sailors brought
another on his back to the cockpit, where he tossed him down like
a bag of oats, and pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco
in his mouth without speaking a word. Morgan immediately examined
the condition of the wounded man, and cried out, "As I shall answer
now, the man is as tead as my great grandfather." "Dead," said his
comrade; "he may be dead now, for aught I know, but I'll be d--d
if he was not alive when I took him up." So saying, he was about to
return to his quarters, when I bade him carry the body along with
him, and throw it overboard. "D--n the body!" said he, "I think 'tis
fair enough if I take care of my own." My fellow mate, snatching up
the amputation knife, pursued him half-way up the cock-pit ladder,
crying, "You lousy rascal, is this the churchyard, or the charnel-house,
or the sepulchre, or the golgotha, of the ship?--but was stopped
in his career by one calling, "Yo he, avast there--scaldings!"
"Scaldings!" answered Morgan; "Cot knows 'tis hot enough indeed:
who are you? "Here's one!" replied the voice; and I immediately
knew it to be that of my honest friend Jack Rattlin, who coming
towards me, told me, with great deliberation, he was come to be
docked at last, and discovered the remains of one hand, which had
been shattered to pieces with a grape shot. I lamented with unfeigned
sorrow his misfortune, which he bore with heroic courage, observing,
that every shot had its commission: "It was well it did not take him
in the head! or if it had, what then? he should have died bravely,
fighting for his king and country. Death was a debt which every
man owed, and must pay; and that now was as well as another time."
I was much pleased and edified with the maxims of this sea-philosopher,
who endured the amputation of his left hand without shrinking, the
operation being performed (at his request) by me, after Mackshane,
who was with difficulty prevailed to lift his head from the deck,
had declared there was a necessity for his losing the limb.

While I was employed in dressing the stump, I asked Jack's opinion
of the battle, who, shaking his head, frankly told me, he believed
we should do no good: "For why? because, instead of dropping anchor
close under shore, where we should have to deal with one corner of
Bocca Chica only, we had opened the harbour, and exposed ourselves
to the whole fire of the enemy from their shipping and Fort St.
Joseph, as well as from the castle we intended to cannonade; that,
besides, we lay at too great a distance to damage the walls, and
three parts in four of our shot did not take place; for there was
scarce anybody on board who understood the pointing of a gun. Ah!
God help us!" continued he, "If your kinsman, Lieutenant Bowling,
had been here, we should have had other guess work." By this time,
our patients had increased to such a number, that we did not know
which to begin with; and the first mate plainly told the surgeon,
that if he did not get up immediately and perform his duty, he would
complain of his behaviour to the admiral, and make application for
his warrant. This remonstrance effectually roused Mackshane, who
was never deaf to an argument in which he thought his interest was
concerned; he therefore rose up, and in order to strengthen his
resolution, had recourse more than once to a case-bottle of rum,
which he freely communicated to the chaplain, and purser, who had
as much need of such extraordinary inspiration as himself. Being
thus supported, he went to work, and arms and legs were hewed down
without mercy. The fumes of the liquor mounting into the parson's
brain, conspired, with his former agitation of spirits, to make him
quite delirious; he stripped himself to the skin; and, besmearing
his body with blood, could scarce be withheld from running upon deck
in that condition. Jack Rattlin, scandalised at this deportment,
endeavoured to allay his transports with reason; but finding all
he said ineffectual, and great confusion occasioned by his frolics,
he knocked him down with his right hand, and by threats kept him
quiet in that state of humiliation. But it was not in the power of
rum to elevate the purser, who sat on the floor wringing his hands,
and cursing the hour in which he left his peaceable profession of a
brewer in Rochester, to engage in such a life of terror and disquiet.

While we diverted ourselves at the expense of this poor devil, a
shot happened to take us between wind and water, and (its course
being through the purser's store room) made a terrible havoc
and noise among the jars and bottles in its way, and disconcerted
Mackshane so much, that he dropped his scalpel, and falling down
on his knees, pronounced his Pater-noster aloud: the purser fell
backward, and lay without sense or motion; and the chaplain grew
so outrageous, that Rattlin with one hand could not keep him under;
so that we were obliged to confine him in the surgeon's cabin,
where he was no doubt guilty of a thousand extravagancies. Much
about this time, my old antagonist, Crampley, came down, with
express orders, as he said, to bring me up to the quarter-deck, to
dress a slight wound the captain had received by a splinter: his
reason for honouring me in particular with this piece of service,
being, that in case I should be killed or disabled by the way,
my death or mutilation would be of less consequence to the ship's
company than that of the doctor or his first mate. At another time,
perhaps, I might have disputed this order, to which I was not bound
to pay the least regard; but as I thought my reputation depended
upon my compliance, I was resolved to convince my rival that I was
no more afraid than he of exposing myself to danger. With this view
I provided myself with dressings, and followed him immediately to
the quarter-deck, through a most infernal scene of slaughter, fire,
smoke, and uproar. Captain Oakum, who leaned against the mizen-mast,
no sooner saw me approach in my shirt, with the sleeves tucked up
to my armpits, and my hands dyed with blood, than he signified his
displeasure by a frown, and asked why the doctor himself did not
come? I told him that Crampley had singled me out, as if by express
command; at which reply he seemed surprised, and threatened to
punish the midshipman for his presumption, after the engagement.
In the meantime, I was sent back to my station, and ordered to tell
Mackshane, that the captain expected him immediately. I got safe
back, and delivered my commission to the doctor, who flatly refused
to quit the post assigned to him by his instructions; whereupon
Morgan, who I believe, was jealous of my reputation for courage,
undertook the affair, and ascended with great intrepidity. The
captain, finding the surgeon obstinate, suffered himself to be
dressed, and swore he would confine Mackshane as soon as the service
should be over.





CHAPTER XXXIII




A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers give the assault,
and take the place without opposition--our sailors at the same
time, become masters of all the other strengths near Bocca Chica,
and take possession of the harbour--the good consequence of this
success--we move nearer the town--find two forts deserted, and
the Channel blocked up with sunk vessels; which however we find
means to clear--land our soldiers at La Quinta--repulse a body of
militia--attack the castle of St. Lazar, and are forced to retreat
with great loss-the remains of our army are re-embarked--an effort
of the Admiral to take the town--the economy of our expedition
described


Having cannonaded the fort during the space of four hours, we were
all ordered to slip our cables, and sheer off; but next day the
engagement was renewed, and continued from the morning till the
afternoon, when the enemy's fire from Bocca Chica slackened, and
towards evening was quite silenced. A breach being made on the other
side, by our land battery, large enough to admit a middle-sized
baboon, provided he could find means to climb up to it, our general
proposed to give the assault that very night, and actually ordered
a detachment on that duty. Providence stood our friend upon this
occasion, and put it into the hearts of the Spaniards to abandon
the fort, which might have been maintained by resolute men till the
day of judgment against all the force we could exert in the attack.
And while our soldiers took possession of the enemy's ramparts
without resistance, the same good luck attended a body of sailors,
who made themselves masters of Fort St. Joseph, the fascine batteries,
and one Spanish man-of-war; the other three being burnt or sunk by
the foe, that they might not fall into our hands. The taking of
these forts, in the strength of which the Spaniards chiefly confided,
made us masters of the outward harbour, and occasioned great joy
among us, as we laid our accounts at finding little or no opposition
from the town: and indeed, if a few great ships had sailed
up immediately, before they had recovered from the confusion and
despair that our unexpected success had produced among them, it
is not impossible that we might have finished the affair to our
satisfaction, without any more bloodshed; but this step our heroes
disdained as a barbarous insult over the enemy's distress, and
gave them all the respite they could desire, in order to recollect
themselves. In the meantime, Mackshane, taking the advantage of
this general exultation, waited on our captain, and pleaded his
own cause so effectually that he was re-established in his good
graces; and as for Crampley, there was no more notice taken of his
behaviour towards me during the action. But of all the consequences
of the victory, none was more grateful than plenty of fresh water,
after we had languished five weeks on the allowance of a purser's
quart per day for each man in the Torrid Zone, where the sun was
vertical, and the expense of bodily fluid so great, that a gallon
of liquor could scarce supply the waste of twenty-four hours;
especially as our provision consisted of putrid salt beef, to
which the sailors gave the name of Irish horse; salt pork, of New
England, which, though neither fish nor flesh, savoured of both;
bread from the same country, every biscuit whereof, like a piece
of clockwork, moved by its own internal impulse, occasioned by the
myriads of insects that dwelt within it; and butter served out by
the gill, that tasted like train oil thickened with salt. Instead
of small beer, each man was allowed three half-quarterns of brandy
or rum, which were distributed every morning, diluted with a certain
quantity of his water, without either sugar or fruit to render it
palatable, for which reason, this composition was by the sailors
not ineptly styled Necessity. Nor was this limitation of simple
element owing to a scarcity of it on board, for there was at this
time water enough in the ship for a voyage of six months, at the
rate of half-a-gallon per day to each man: but this fast must,
I suppose, have been enjoined by way of penance on the ship's
company for their sins; or rather with a view to mortify them into
a contempt of life, that they might thereby become more resolute
and regardless of danger. How simply then do those people argue,
who ascribe the great mortality among us, to our bad provision and
want of water; and affirm, that a great many valuable lives might
have been saved, if the useless transports had been employed in
fetching fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other refreshments from
Jamaica and other adjacent islands, for the use of the army and
fleet! seeing it is to be hoped, that those who died went to a
better place, and those who survived were the more easily maintained.
After all, a sufficient number remained to fall before the walls
of St. Lazar, where they behaved like their own country mastiffs,
which shut their eyes, run into the jaws of a bear, and have their
heads crushed for their valour.

But to return to my narration. After having put garrisons into the
forts we had taken, and re-embarked our soldiers and artillery (a
piece of service that detained us more than a week), we ventured up
to the mouth of the inner harbour, guarded by a large fortification
on one side, and a small redoubt on the other, both of which were
deserted before our approach, and the entrance of the harbour blocked
up by several old galleons, and two men-of-war that the enemy had
sunk in the channel. We made shift, however, to open a passage
for some ships, that favoured a second landing of our troops at a
place called La Quinta, not far from the town, where, after a faint
resistance from a body of Spaniards, who opposed their disembarkation,
they encamped with a design of besieging the castle of St. Lazar,
which overlooked and commanded the city.  Whether our renowned
general had nobody in his army who knew how to approach it in form,
or that he trusted entirely to the fame of his arms, I shall not
determine; but, certain it is, a resolution was taken in a council
of war, to attack the place with musketry only.  This was put in
execution, and succeeded accordingly; the enemy giving them such a
hearty reception, that the greatest part of their detachment took
up their everlasting residence on the spot.

Our chief, not relishing this kind of complaisance in the Spaniard's,
was wise enough to retreat on board with the remains of his army,
which, from eight thousand able men landed on the beach near Bocca
Chica, was now reduced to fifteen hundred fit for service. The
sick and wounded were squeezed into certain vessels, which thence
obtained the name of hospital ships, though methinks they scarce
deserved such a creditable title, seeing few of them could boast
of their surgeon, nurse, or cook; and the space between decks was
so confined that the miserable patients had not room to sit upright
in their beds. Their wounds and stumps, being neglected, contracted
filth and putrefaction, and millions of maggots were hatched amidst
the corruption of their sores. This inhuman disregard was imputed
to the scarcity of surgeons; though it is well known that every
great ship in the fleet could have spared one at least for this
duty, an expedient which would have been more than sufficient to
remove this shocking inconvenience.  But perhaps our general was too
much of a gentleman to ask a favour of this kind from his fellow
chief, who, on the other hand, would not derogate so much from
his own dignity, as to offer such assistance unasked; for, I may
venture to affirm, that by this time the Demon of Discord, with
her sooty wings, had breathed her influence upon our councils;
and it might be said of these great men (I hope they will pardon
the comparison) as of Cesar and Pompey, the one could not brook
a superior, and the other was impatient of an equal; so that,
between the pride of one and insolence of another, the enterprise
miscarried, according to the proverb, "Between two stools the
backside falls to the ground." Not that I would be thought to liken
any public concern to that opprobrious part of the human body,
though I might with truth assert, if I durst use such a vulgar
idiom, that the nation did hang on arse at its disappointment on
this occasion; neither would I presume to compare the capacity of
our heroic leaders to any such wooden convenience as a joint-stool
or a close-stool; but only to signify by this simile, the mistake
the people committed in trusting to the union of two instruments
that were never joined.

A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the admiral ordered one
of the Spanish men-of-war we had taken to be mounted with sixteen
guns, and manned with detachments from our great ships, in order to
batter the town; accordingly, she was towed into the inner harbour
in the night, and moored within half a mile of the walls, against
which she began to fire at daybreak; and continued about six hours
exposed to the opposition of at least thirty pieces of cannon, which
at length obliged our men to set her on fire, and get off as well
as they could in their boats. This piece of conduct afforded matter
of speculation to all the wits, either in the army or navy, who
were at last fain to acknowledge it a stroke of policy above their
comprehension. Some entertained such an irreverent opinion of the
admiral's understanding, as to think he expected the town would
surrender to his floating battery of sixteen guns: others imagined
his sole intention was to try the enemy's strength, by which
he should be able to compute the number of great ships that would
be necessary to force the town to a capitulation. But this last
conjecture soon appeared groundless, inasmuch as no ships of any
kind whatever were afterwards employed on that service. A third sort
swore, that no other cause could be assigned for this undertaking
than that which induced Don Quixote to attack the windmill. A fourth
class (and that the most numerous, though, without doubt, composed
of the sanguine and malicious), plainly taxed this commander with
want of honesty as well as sense; and alleged that he ought to
have sacrificed private pique to the interest of his country; that,
where the lives of so many brave fellow-citizens were concerned,
he ought to have concurred with the general without being solicited
or even desired, towards their preservation and advantage, that, if
his arguments could not dissuade him from a desperate enterprise,
it was his duty to have rendered it as practicable as possible,
without running extreme hazard; that this could have been done, with
a good prospect of success, by ordering five or six large ships to
batter the town, while the land forces stormed the castle; by these
means a considerable diversion would have been made in favour of
those troops, who, in their march to the assault and in the retreat,
suffered much more from the town than from the castle! that the
inhabitants, seeing themselves vigorously attacked on all hands, would
have been divided, distracted, and confused, and in all probability,
unable to resist the assailants.  But all these suggestions surely
proceeded from ignorance or malevolence, or else the admiral would
not have found it such an easy matter, at his return to England, to
justify his conduct to a ministry at once so upright and discerning.
True it is, that those who undertook to vindicate him on the spot,
asserted, that there was not water enough for our great ships near
the town: though this was a little unfortunately urged, because
there happened to be pilots in the fleet perfectly well acquainted
with the soundings of the harbour, who affirmed there was water
enough for five eighty-gun ships to lie abreast almost up to the
very walls.  The disappointments we suffered occasioned a universal
dejection, which was not at all alleviated by the objects that daily
and hourly entertained our eyes, nor by the prospect of what must
have inevitably happened, had we remained much longer in this
place.  Such was the economy in some ships that, rather than be at
the trouble of interring the dead, their commanders ordered their
men to throw their bodies overboard, many without either ballast
or winding-sheet; so that numbers of human carcases floated in
the harbour, until they were devoured by sharks and carrion crows,
which afforded no agreeable spectacle to those who survived, At
the same time the wet season began, during which a deluge of rain
falls, from the rising to the setting sun, without intermission,
and that no sooner ceases than it begins to thunder, and lighten
with such continued flashing, that one can see to read a very small
print by the illumination.




CHAPTER XXXIV




An epidemic Fever rages among us--we abandon our Conquests--I am
seized with Distemper--write a Petition to the Captain, which is
rejected--I am in danger of Suffocation through the Malice of Crampley,
and relieved by a Serjeant--my Fever increases--the Chaplain wants
to confess me--I obtain a favourable Crisis-Morgan's Affection
for me proved--the Behaviour of Mackshane and Crampley towards
me--Captain Oakum is removed into another Ship with his beloved
Doctor--our new Captain described--An Adventure of Morgan


The change of the atmosphere, occasioned by this phenomenon, conspired,
with the stench that surrounded us, the heat of the climate, our
own constitutions, impoverished by bad provisions, and our despair,
to introduce the bilious fever among us, which raged with such
violence, that three-fourths of those whom it invaded died in a
deplorable manner; the colour of their skin being, by the extreme
putrefaction of the juices, changed into that of soot.

Our conductors, finding things in this situation, perceived
it was high to relinquish our conquests, and this we did, after
having rendered their artillery useless, and blown up their walls
with gunpowder. Just as we sailed from Bocca Chica, on our return
to Jamaica, I found myself threatened with the symptoms of this
terrible distemper; and knowing very well that I stood no chance
for my life, if I should be obliged to be in the cockpit, which
by this time was grown intolerable, even to people in health, by
reason of the heat and unwholesome smell of decayed provision, I
wrote a petition to the captain, representing my case, and humbly
imploring his permission to be among the soldiers in the middle
deck, for the benefit of the air: but I might have spared myself
the trouble; for this humane commander refused my request, and
ordered me to continue in the place allotted for the surgeon's
mates, or else be contented to be in the hospital, which, by the
by, was three degrees more offensive and more suffocating than
our own berth below. Another, in my condition, perhaps, would have
submitted to his fate, and died in a pet; but I could not brook
the thought of perishing so pitifully, after I had weathered so
many gales of hard fortune: I therefore, without minding Oakum's
injunction, prevailed upon the soldiers (whose good-will I had
acquired) to admit my hammock among them; and actually congratulated
myself upon my comfortable situation; which Crampley no sooner
understood, than he signified to the captain my contempt of his
orders, and was invested with power to turn me down again into my
proper habitation.

This barbarous piece of revenge incensed me so much against the
author, that I vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a
severe account, if ever it should be in my power; and the agitation
of my spirits increased my fever to a violent degree. While I
lay gasping for breath in this infernal abode, I was visited by a
sergeant, the bones of whose nose I had reduced and set to rights,
after they had been demolished by a splinter during our last
engagement; he, being informed of my condition, offered me the use
of his berth in the middle deck, which was enclosed with canvas, and
well aired by a port-hole that remained open within it. I embraced
this proposal with joy, and was immediately conducted to the place,
where I was treated, while my illness lasted, with the utmost
tenderness and care by this grateful halberdier, who had no other
bed for himself than a hencoop during the whole passage. Here I
lay and enjoyed the breeze, notwithstanding which my malady gained
ground, and at length my life was despaired of, though I never lost
hopes of recovery, even when I had the mortification to see, from
my cabin-window, six or seven thrown overboard every day, who died
of the same distemper. This confidence, I am persuaded, conduced a
great deal to the preservation of my life, especially when joined
to another resolution I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse
all medicine, which I could not help thinking co-operated with the
disease, and, instead of resisting putrefaction, promoted a total
degeneracy of the vital fluid. When my friend Morgan, therefore,
brought his diaphoretic bolases, I put them into my month, 'tis
true, but without any intention of swallowing them: and, when he
went away, spit them out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel.
I seemingly complied in this matter, that I might not affront the
blood of Caractacus, by a refusal which might have intimated a
diffidence of his physical capacity, for he acted as my physician;
Doctor Mackshane never once inquiring about me, or even knowing
where I was. When my distemper was at the height, Morgan thought
my case desperate, and, after having applied a blister to the nape
of my neck, squeezed my hand, bidding me, with a woful countenance,
recommend myself to Cot and my Reteemer; then, taking his
leave, desired the chaplain to come and administer some spiritual
consolation to me; but, before he arrived, I made shift to rid
myself of the troublesome application the Welshman had bestowed on
my back. The person, having felt my pulse, inquired into the nature
of my complaints, hemmed a little, and began thus: "Mr. Random,
God out of his infinite mercy has been pleased to visit you with
a dreadful distemper, the issue of which no man knows. You may be
permitted to recover and live many days on the face of the earth;
and, which is more probable, you may be taken away, and cut off
in the flower of your youth. It is incumbent on you, therefore, to
prepare for the great change, by repenting sincerely of your sins;
of this there cannot be a greater sign, than an ingenuous confession,
which I conjure you to make without hesitation or mental reservation;
and, when I am convinced of your sincerity, I will then give you
such comfort as the situation of your soul will admit of. Without
doubt, you have been guilty of numberless transgressions to which
youth is subject, as swearing, drunkenness, whoredom, and adultery:
tell me therefore, without reserve, the particulars of each, especially
of the last, that I may be acquainted with the true state of your
conscience; for no physician will prescribe for his patient until
he knows the circumstances of his disease."

As I was not under any apprehensions of death, I could not help
smiling at the chaplain's inquisitive remonstrance, which I told
him savoured more of the Roman than of the Protestant church, in
recommending auricular confession; a thing, in my opinion, not at
all necessary to salvation, and which, for that reason, I declined.
This reply disconcerted him a little; however, he explained away his
meaning, in making learned distinctions between what was absolutely
necessary and what was only convenient; then proceeded to ask what
religion I professed. I answered, that I had not as yet considered
the difference of religions, consequently had not fixed on any one
in particular, but that I was bred a Presbyterian. At this word
the chaplain expressed great astonishment, and said, he could not
comprehend how a presbyterian was entitled to any post under the
English government. Then he asked if I had ever received the sacrament,
or taken the oaths; to which questions, I replying in the negative,
he held up his hands, assured me he could do me no service, wished
I might not be in a state of reprobation, and returned to his
messmates, who were making merry in the ward-room, round a table
well stored with bumbo[2] and wine.


[2]bumbo is a liquor composed of rum, sugar, water, and nutmeg


This insinuation, terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon
me as the fever, which, soon after he had left me, grew outrageous.  I
began to see strange chimeras and concluded myself upon the point
of being delirious; in the meantime, being in great danger of
suffocation, I started up in a kind of frantic fit, with an intention
to plunge myself into the sea; and, as my friend the sergeant was
not present, would certainly have cooled myself to some purpose,
had I not perceived a moisture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to
get out of my hammock: the appearance of this revived my hopes,
and I had reflection and resolution enough to take the advantage
of this favourable symptom, by tearing the shirt from my body, and
the sheets from my bed, and wrapping myself in a thick blanket,
in which inclosure, for about a quarter of an hour, felt all the
pains of hell: but it was not long before I was recompensed for
my suffering by a profuse sweat, that, bursting from the whole
surface of my skin, in less than two hours, relieved me from all
my complaints except that of weakness; and left me as hungry as a
kite. I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I was regaling
myself with the agreeable reverie of future happiness, when I heard
Morgan, on the outside of the curtain, ask the sergeant if I was
alive still? "Alive!" cried the other, "God forbid he should be
otherwise! he has lain quiet these five hours, and I do not choose
to disturb him, for sleep will do him great service." "Ay," said
my fellow-mate, "he sleeps so sound (look you), that he will not
waken till the great trump plows--Cot be merciful to his soul. He
has paid his debt like an honest man--ay, and moreover, he is at
rest from all persecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of which,
Cot knows, and I know, he had his own share--Ochree! Ochree! he
was a promising youth indeed!" So saying he groaned grievously,
and began to whine in such a manner, as persuaded me he had a real
friendship for me. The sergeant, alarmed at his words, came into
the berth, and, while he looked upon me, I smiled, and tipped him
the wink: he immediately guessed my meaning and remaining silent,
Morgan was confirmed in his opinion of my being dead; whereupon he
approached, with tears in his eyes, in order to indulge his grief
with a sight of the object: and I counterfeited death so well, by
fixing my eyes and dropping my under-jaw, that he said, "There he
lies, no petter than a lump of clay, Cot help me!" and observed,
by the distortion of my face, that I must have had a strong struggle.

I should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when
he began to perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my eyes
and my mouth, upon which I suddenly snapped at his fingers and
discomposed him so much that he started back, turned pale as ashes,
and stared like the picture of horror; although I could not help
laughing at his appearance, I was concerned for his situation, and
stretched out my hand, telling him I hoped to live and eat some
salmagundy of his making in England. It was some time before he
could recollect himself so far as to feel my pulse, and inquire
into the particulars of my disease; but when he found I had enjoyed
a favourable crisis, he congratulated me upon my good fortune; not
failing to ascribe it, under Cot, to the blister he had applied to
my back, at his last visit; which, by the bye, said he, must now
be removed and dressed; he was actually going to fetch dressings,
when I, feigning astonishment, said, "Bless me! sure you never
applied a blister to me--there is nothing on my back, I assure
you." But he could not be convinced till he had examined it, and
then endeavoured to conceal his confusion, by expressing his surprise
in finding the skin untouched and the plaster missing. In order
to excuse myself for paying so little regard to his prescription,
I pretended to have been insensible when it was put on, and to
have pulled it off afterwards in a fit of delirium. This apology
satisfied my friend, who, on this occasion, abated a good deal of
his stiffness in regard to punctilio; and as we were now safely
arrived at Jamaica, where I had the benefit of fresh provisions
and other refreshments, I recovered strength every day, and, in a
short time, my health and vigour were perfectly re-established.

When I got up at first, and was just able to crawl about the deck
with a staff in my hand, I met Doctor Mackshane, who passed by me
with a disdainful look, and did not vouchsafe to honour me with
one word. After him came Crampley, who, strutting up to me with a
fierce countenance, pronounced, "Here's fine discipline on-board,
when such lazy, skulking sons of bitches as you are allowed, on
pretence of sickness, to lollop at your ease, while your betters
are kept to hard duty!" The sight and behaviour of this malicious
scoundrel enraged me so much that I could scarce refrain from
laying my cudgel across his pate; but when I considered my present
feebleness, and the enemies I had in the ship, who wanted only a
pretence to ruin me, I restrained my passion, and contented myself
with telling him, I had not forgot his insolence and malice, and
that I hoped we should meet one day on shore. At this declaration
he grinned, shook his fist, and swore he longed for nothing more
than such an opportunity. Meanwhile our ship was ordered to be heaved
down, victualled, and watered, for her return to England; and our
captain, for some reason or other, not thinking it convenient for
him to revisit his native country at this time, exchanged with a
gentleman, who, on the other hand, wished for nothing so much as to
be safe without the tropic: all his care and tenderness of himself
being insufficient to preserve his complexion from the injuries of
the sun and weather.

Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favourite Mackshane
along with him, to my inexpressible satisfaction, our new commander
came on board in a ten-oared barge, overshadowed with a vast
umbrella, and appeared in everything the reverse of Oakum, being a
tall, thin young man, dressed in this manner: a white hat, garnished
with a red feather, adorned his head, from whence his hair flowed
upon his shoulders, in ringlets tied behind with a ribbon. His coat,
consisting of pink-coloured silk, lined with white, by the elegance
of the cut retired backward, as it were, to discover a white satin
waistcoat embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part to
display a brooch set with garnets, that glittered in the breast
of his shirt, which was of the finest cambric, edged with right
Mechlin: the knees of his crimson velvet breeches scarce descended
so low as to meet his silk stockings, which rose without spot or
wrinkle on his meagre legs, from shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with
diamond buckles that flamed forth rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted
sword, inlaid with gold, and decked with a knot of ribbon which
fell down in a rich tassel, equipped his side; and an amber-headed
cane hung dangling from his wrist. But the most remarkable parts
of his furniture were, a mask on his face, and white gloves on his
hands, which did not seem to be put on with an intention to be
pulled off occasionally, but were fixed with a curious ring on the
little finger of each hand.

In this garb, Captain Whiffle, for that was his name, took possession
of the ship, surrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in
their different degrees, seemed to be of their patron's disposition;
and the air was so impregnated with perfumes, that one may venture
to affirm the climate of Arabia Felix was not half so sweet-scented.
My fellow-mate, observing no surgeon among his train, thought he
had found an occasion too favourable for himself to be neglected;
and, remembering the old proverb, "Spare to speak, and spare to
speed," resolved to solicit the new captain's interest immediately,
before any other surgeon could be appointed for the ship. With this
view he repaired to the cabin in his ordinary dress, consisting of
a check shirt and trousers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a nightcap
of the same (neither of them very clean,) which, for his further
misfortune, happened to smell strong of tobacco. Entering without
any ceremony into this sacred place, he found Captain Whiffle
reposing upon a couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about his
body, and a muslin cap bordered with lace about his head; and after
several low congees began in this manner: "Sir, I hope you will
forgive, and excuse, and pardon, the presumption of one who has
not the honour of being known to you, but who is, nevertheless
a shentleman porn and pred, and moreover has had misfortunes, Cot
help me, in the world."

Here he was interrupted by the captain, who, on seeing him, had
started up with great amazement, at the novelty of the apparition;
and, having recollected himself, pronounced with a look and tone
signifying disdain, curiosity and surprise, "Zauns! who art thou?"
"I am surgeon's first mate on board of this ship," replied Morgan:
"and I most vehemently desire and beseech you, with all submission,
to be pleased to condescend and vouchsafe to inquire into my
character, and my pehaviour, and my deserts, which, under Cot, I
hope, will entitle me to the vacancy of surgeon." As he proceeded
in his speech, he continued advancing towards the captain, whose
nostrils were no sooner saluted with the aromatic flavour that
exhaled from him, than he cried with great emotion, "Heaven preserve
me! I am suffocated! Fellow, fellow, away with thee! Curse thee,
fellow! Get thee gone! I shall be stunk to death!" At the noise of
his outcries, his servants ran into his apartment, and he accosted
them thus: "Villains! cut-throats! traitors! I am betrayed! I
am sacrificed! Will you not carry that monster away? or must I be
stifled with the stench of him? oh, oh!" With these interjections
he sank down upon his settee in a fit: his valet-de-chambre plied
him with a smelling-bottle, one footman chafed his temples with
Hungary water, another sprinkled the floor with spirits of lavender,
a third pushed Morgan out of the cabin; who coming to the place
where I was, sat down with a demure countenance and, according
to his custom, when he received any indignity which he durst not
revenge, began to sing a Welsh ditty.

I guessed he was under some agitation of spirits and desired to
know the cause; but, instead of answering me directly, he asked
with great emotion, if I thought him a monster and a stinkard? "A
monster and a stinkard!" said I, with some surprise: "did anybody
call you so?" "Cot is my judge," replied be, "Captain Fifle did
call me both; ay, and all the waters in the Tawy will not wash it
out of my remembrance. I do affirm and avouch, and maintain, with
my soul, and my pody, and my plood, look you, that I have no smells
apout me, but such as a Christian ought to have, except the effluvia
of tobacco, which is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatic herb; and he
is a son of a mountain goat who says otherwise. As for my being a
minister, let that be as it is: I am as Cot was pleased to create
me, which, peradventure, is more than I shall ever aver of him
who gave me that title; for I will proclaim it before the world,
that he is disguised, and transfigured, and transmogrified, with
affectation and whimseys; and that he is more like a papoon than
of the human race."





CHAPTER XXXV




Captain Whiffle sends for me--his situation described--his surgeon
arrives, prescribes for him, and puts him to bed--a bed is put
up for Mr. Simper contiguous to the state room, which, with other
parts of the captains behaviour, gives the ship's company a very
unfavourable idea of their commander--I am detained in the West
Indies by the admiral, and go on board of the Lizard sloop of war
in quality of surgeon's mate, where I make myself known to the
surgeon, who treats me very kindly--I go on shore, sell my ticket,
purchase necessaries, and, at my return on board, am surprised at
the sight of Crampley, who is appointed lieutenant of the sloop--we
sail on a cruise-take a prize in which I arrive at Port Morant
under the command of my messmate, with whom I live in great harmony


He was going on with an eulogium upon the captain, when I received
a message to clean myself, and go up to the great cabin: and with
this command I instantly complied, sweetening myself with rosewater
from the medicine chest. When I entered the room, I was ordered
to stand by the door, until Captain Whiffle had reconnoitered me
at a distance with a spy-glass. He, having consulted one sense in
this manner, bade me advance gradually, that his nose might have
intelligence before it could be much offended: I therefore approached
with great caution and success, and he was pleased to say, "Ay,
this creature is tolerable." I found him lolling on his couch with
a languishing air, his head supported by his valet-de-chambre, who
from time to time applied a smelling-bottle to his nose. "Vergette,"
said he in a squeaking tone, "dost think this wretch (meaning me)
will do me no injury? May I venture to submit my arm to him?" "Pon
my word," replied the valet, "I do tink dat dere be great occasion
for your honour losing a small quantite of blodt; and the young
man ave quelque chose of de bonne mine." "Well, then," said his
master, "I think I must venture." Then, addressing himself to me,
"Hast thou ever blooded anybody but brutes? But I need not ask thee,
for thou wilt tell me a most d--able lie," "Brutes, sir!" answered
I, pulling down his glove, in order to feel his pulse, "I never
meddle with brutes." "What the devil art thou about?" cried he,
"dost thou intend to twist off my hand? Gad's curse! my arm is
benumbed up to the very shoulder!  Heaven have mercy upon me! must
I perish under the hands of savages? What an unfortunate dog was
I to come on board without my own surgeon, Mr. Simper." I craved
pardon for having handled him so roughly, and, with the utmost
care, and tenderness, tied up his arm with a fillet of silk. While
I was feeling for the vein, he desired to know how much blood I
intended to take from him, and, when I answered, "not above twelve
ounces," started up with a look full of horror, and bade me be gone,
swearing I had a design upon his life.  Vergette appeased him with
difficulty, and, opening a bureau, took out a pair of scales, in
one of which was placed a small cup; and putting them into my hand,
told me, the captain never lost above an ounce and three drams at
one time.

While I prepared for this important evacuation, there came into
the cabin a young man gaily dressed, of a very delicate complexion
with a kind of languid smile on his face: which seemed to have been
rendered habitual by a long course of affectation. The captain no
sooner perceived him, than, rising hastily, he flew into his arms,
crying, "O, my dear Simper, I am excessively disordered! I have
been betrayed, frighted, murdered, by the negligence of my servants,
who suffered a beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise me, and stink
me into convulsions with the fumes of tobacco." Simper, who by
this time, I found, was obliged to act for the clearness of his
complexion, assumed an air of softness and sympathy, and lamented
with many tender expressions of sorrow, the sad accident that had
thrown him into that condition; then, feeling his patient's pulse
on the outside of his glove, gave it as his opinion, that his
disorder was entirely nervous, and that some drops of tincture of
castor, and liquid laudanum, would be of more service to him than
bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of his spirits, and
composing the fermentation of his bile. I was therefore sent to
prepare this prescription, which was administered in a glass of sack
posset, after the captain had been put to bed, and orders sent to
the officers on the quarter-deck, to let nobody walk on that side
under which he lay.

While the captain enjoyed his repose the doctor watched over him,
and indeed became so necessary, that a cabin was made for him
contiguous to the state room where Whiffle slept, that he might be
at hand in case of accidents in the night. Next day, our commander
being happily recovered, gave orders that none of the lieutenants
should appear upon deck without a wig, sword, and ruffles; nor any
midshipman, or other petty officer, he seen with a check shirt or
dirty linen. He also prohibited any person whatever, except Simper
and his own servants, from coming into the great cabin without
first sending in to obtain leave. These singular regulations did not
prepossess the ship's company in his favour: but, on the contrary,
gave scandal an opportunity to be very busy with his character,
and accuse him of maintaining a correspondence with his surgeon
not fit to be named.

In a few weeks, our ship being under sailing orders, I was in hope
of revisiting my native country, in a very short time, when the
admiral's surgeon came on board, and, sending for Morgan and me to
the quarter-deck, gave us to understand there was a great scarcity
of surgeons in the West Indies; that he was commanded to detain
one mate out of every great ship that was bound for England; and
desired us to agree between ourselves, before the next day at that
hour, which of us should stay behind. We were thunderstruck at this
proposal, and stared at one another some time without speaking; at
length the Welshman broke silence, and offered to remain in the
West Indies, provided the admiral would give him a surgeon's warrant
immediately; but he was told there was no want of chief surgeons,
and that he must be contented with the station of mate, till
he should be further provided for in due course. Whereupon Morgan
flatly refused to quit the ship for which the commissioners of the
navy had appointed him; and the other told him as plainly, that
if we could not determine the affair by ourselves before to-morrow
morning, he must cast lots, and abide by his chance.

When I recalled to my remembrance the miseries I had undergone
in England, where I had not one friend to promote my interest,
or favour my advancement in the navy, and the same time reflected
on the present dearth of surgeons in the West Indies, and the
unhealthiness of the climate, which every day almost reduced the
number, I could not help thinking my success would be much more
certain and expeditious by my staying where I was, than by returning
to Europe. I therefore resolved to comply with a good grace, and next
day, when we were ordered to throw dice, told Morgan he needed not
trouble himself, for I would voluntarily submit to the admiral's
pleasure. This frank declaration was commended by the gentleman, who
assured me, it should not fare the worse with me for my resignation.
Indeed he was as good as his word, and that very afternoon procured
a warrant, appointing me surgeon's mate of the Lizard sloop-of-war,
which put me on a footing with every first mate in the service.

My ticket being made out, I put my chest and bedding on board a
canoe that lay alongside, and, having shook hands with my trusty
friend the sergeant, and honest Jack Rattlin, who was bound for
Greenwich Hospital, I took my leave of Morgan with many tears,
after we had exchanged our sleeve buttons as remembrances of each
other. Having presented my new warrant to the captain of the Lizard,
I inquired for the doctor, whom I no sooner saw than I recollected
him to be one of those young fellows with whom I had been committed
to the round-house, during our frolic with Jackson, as I have
related before. He received me with a good deal of courtesy, and,
when I put him in mind of our former acquaintance, expressed great
joy at seeing me again, and recommended me to an exceeding good
mess, composed of the gunner and master's mate. As there was not
one sick person in the ship, I got leave to go ashore next day with
the gunner, who recommended me to a Jew, that bought my ticket at
the rate of forty per cent discount; and, having furnished myself
with the necessaries I wanted, returned on board in the evening,
and, to my surprise, found my old antagonist Crampley walking
upon deck. Though I did not fear his enmity, I was shocked at his
appearance, and communicated my sentiments on that subject to Mr.
Tomlins the surgeon, who told me that Crampley, by dint of some
friends about the admiral, had procured a commission, constituting
him lieutenant on board the Lizard; and advised me, now he was my
superior officer, to behave with some respect towards him, or else
he would find a thousand opportunities of using me ill. This advice
was a bitter potion to me, whom pride and resentment had rendered
utterly incapable of the least submission to, or even of a
reconciliation with, the wretch who had, on many occasions, treated
me so inhumanly: however, I resolved to have as little connection
as possible with him, and to ingratiate myself as much as I could
with the rest of the officers, whose friendship might be a bulwark
to defend me from the attempts of his malice.

In less than a week we sailed on a cruise, and having weathered
the east end of the island, had the good fortune to take a Spanish
barcolongo, with her prize, which was an English ship bound
for Bristol, that sailed from Jamaica a fortnight before, without
convoy. All the prisoners who were well, we put onshore on the
north side of the island; the prizes were manned with Englishmen,
and the command of the barcolongo given to my friend the master's
mate, with orders to carry them into Port Morant, and there to
remain until the Lizard's cruise should be ended, at which time she
would touch at the same place in her way to Port Royal. With him
I was sent to attend the wounded Spaniards as well as Englishmen,
who amounted to sixteen, and to take care of them on shore in a
house that was to be hired as an hospital. This destination gave
me a great deal of pleasure, as I should, for some time, be freed
from the arrogance of Crampley, whose inveteracy against me had
already broken out on two or three occasions since he was become
a lieutenant. My messmate, who very much resembled my uncle, both
in figure and disposition, treated me on board of the prize with the
utmost civility and confidence: and, among other favours, made me
a present of a silver-hilted hanger, and a pair of pistols mounted
with the same metal, which fell to his share in plundering the
enemy. We arrived safely at Morant, and, going on shore, pitched
upon an empty storehouse; which we hired for the reception of
the wounded, who were brought to it next day, with beds and other
necessaries; and four of the ship's company appointed to attend
them and obey me.





CHAPTER XXXVI




A strange adventure--in consequence of which I am extremely
happy--Crampley does me in offices with the Captain; but his malice
is defeated by the good-nature and friendship of the surgeon--we
return to Port Royal--our Captain gets the command of a larger ship,
and is succeeded by an old man--Brayl is provided for--we receive
orders to sail for England


When my patients were all in a fair way, my companion and commander,
whose name was Brayl, carried me up the country to the house of a
rich planter, with whom he was acquainted, where we were sumptuously
entertained, and in the evening set out on our return to the ship.
When we had walked about a mile by moonlight, we perceived a
horseman behind us, who coming up, wished us good even, and asked
which way we went? His voice, which was quite familiar to me,
no sooner struck my ear, than in spite of all my resolution and
reflection, my hair bristled up, and I was seized with a violent
fit of trembling, which Brayl misinterpreting, bade me be under no
concern. I told him he was mistaken in the cause of my disorder;
and, addressing myself to the person on horseback said, "I could
have sworn by your voice, that you were a dear friend of mine, if
I had not been certain of his death." To this address, after some
pause, he replied, "There are many voices as well as faces that
resemble one another; but, pray, what was your friend's name." I
satisfied him in that particular, and gave a short detail of the
melancholy fate of Thompson, not without many sighs and some tears.
A silence ensued, which lasted some minutes, and then the conversation
turned on different subjects, till we arrived at a house on the road,
where the horseman alighted, and begged with so much earnestness
that we would go in and drink a bowl of punch with him, that we
could not resist. But, if I was alarmed at his voice, what must my
amazement be, when I discovered by the light the very person of my
lamented friend! Perceiving my confusion, which was extreme, he
clasped me in his arms, and bedewed my face with tears.  It was
some time ere I recovered the use of my reason, overpowered with
this event, and longer still before I could speak. So that all
I was capable of was to return his embraces, and to mingle the
overflowings of my joy with his; whilst honest Brayl, affected
with the scene, wept as fast as either of us, and signified his
participation of our happiness by hugging us both, and capering
about the room like a madman. At length, I retrieved the use of my
tongue, and cried, "Is it possible! you can be my friend Thompson?
No certainly, alas! he was drowned; and I am now under the deception
of a dream!" He was at great pains to convince me of his being the
individual person whom I regretted, and bidding me sit down and
compose myself, promised to explain his sudden disappearance from
the Thunder, and to account for his being at present in the land
of the living. This task he acquitted himself of, after I had drunk
a glass of punch, and recollected my spirits, by informing us, that
with a determination to rid himself of a miserable existence, he
bad gone in the night-time to the head, while the ship was on her
way, from whence he slipped down as softly as he could, by the
bows into the sea, where, after he was heartily ducked, he began
to repent of his precipitation; and, as he could swim very well,
kept himself above water, in hopes of being taken up by some of the
ships astern; that, in this situation, he hailed a large vessel,
and begged to be taken in, but was answered that she was a heavy
sailer, and therefore they did not choose to lose time by bringing
to; however, they threw an old chest overboard for his convenience,
and told him, that some of the ships astern would certainly save
him; that no other vessel came within sight or cry of him for the
space of three hours, during which time he had the mortification
to find himself in the middle of the ocean alone, without other
support or resting-place, but what a few crazy boards afforded;
till at last be discerned a small sloop steering towards him, upon
which he set up his throat, and had the good fortune to be heard
and rescued from the dreary waste by their boat, which was hoisted
out on purpose.

"I was no sooner brought on board," continued he, "than I fainted,
and, when I recovered my senses, found myself in bed, regaled with
a most noisome smell of onions and cheese, which made me think at
first that I was in my own hammock, alongside of honest Morgan, and
that all which had passed was no more than a dream. Upon inquiry,
I understood that I was on board of a schooner belonging to Rhode
Island, bound for Jamaica, with a cargo of geese, pigs, onions,
and cheese, and that the master's name was Robertson, by birth a
North Briton, whom I knew at first sight to be an old sohoolfellow
of mine. When I discovered myself to him, he was transported with
surprise and joy, and begged to know the occasion of my misfortune,
which I did not think fit to disclose, because I knew his notions
with regard to religion were very severe and confined; therefore
contented myself with telling him I fell overboard by accident;
but made no scruple of explaining the nature of my disagreeable
station, and of acquainting him with my determined purpose never
to return to the Thunder man-of-war. Although he was not of my
opinion in that particular, knowing that I must lose my clothes and
what pay was due to me, unless I went back to my duty; yet, when
I described the circumstances of the hellish life I led under the
tyrannic sway of Oakum and Mackshane; and, among other grievances,
hinted a dissatisfaction at the irreligious deportment of my
shipmates, and the want of the true presbyterian gospel doctrine;
he changed his sentiments, and conjured me with great vehemence
and zeal to lay aside all thought of rising in the navy; and, that
he might show how much he had my interest at heart, undertook to
provide for me in some shape or other, before he should leave Jamaica.
This promise he performed to my heart's desire, by recommending me
to a gentleman of fortune, with whom I have lived ever since in
quality of surgeon and overseer to his plantations. He and his lady
are now at Kingston, so that I am, for the present, master of this
house, to which, from my soul, I bid you welcome, and hope you will
favour me with your company during the remaining part of the night."

I needed not a second invitation; but Mr. Brayl, who was a diligent
and excellent officer, could not be persuaded to sleep out of
the ship; however, he supped with us, and, after having drank a,
cheerful glass, set out for the vessel, which was not above three
miles from the place, escorted by a couple of stout negroes, whom.
Mr. Thompson ordered to conduct him. Never were two friends more
happy in the conversation of each other than we, for the time
it lasted. I related to him the particulars of our attempt upon
Carthagena, of which he bad heard but an imperfect account; and he
gratified me with a narration of every little incident of his life
since we parted. He assured me, it was with the utmost difficulty
he could resist his inclination of coming down to Port Royal, to
see Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no tidings since the day
of our separation: but that he was restrained by the fear of being
detained as a deserter. He told me that, when he heard my voice
in the dark, he was almost as much surprised as I was at seeing
him afterwards: and, in the confidence of friendship, disclosed a
passion he entertained for the only daughter of the gentleman with
whom he lived, who, by his description, was a very amiable young
lady, and did not disdain his addresses; that he was very much
favoured by her parents; and did not despair of obtaining their
consent to the match, which would at once render him independent
of the world. I congratulated him on his good fortune, which he
protested should never make him forget his friends; and, towards
morning, we betook ourselves to rest.

Next day he accompanied me to the ship, where Mr. Brayl entertained
him at dinner, and we having spent the afternoon together, he took
his leave of us in the evening, after he had forced upon me ten
pistoles, as a small token of his affection. In short, while he
stayed here, we saw one another every day, and generally ate at the
same table, which was plentifully supplied by him with all kinds
of poultry, butcher's meat, oranges, limes, lemons, pine-apples,
Madeira wine, and excellent rum; so that this small interval of
ten days was by far the most agreeable period of my life.

At length the Lizard arrived; and my patients being all fit for
duty, they and I were ordered on board of her, where I understood
from Mr. Tomlins that there was a shyness between the lieutenant
and him on my account; the rancorous villain having taken the
opportunity of my absence to fill the captain's ears with a thousand
scandalous stories to my prejudice; among other things affirming,
that I had been once transported for theft, and that when I was
in the Thunder man-of-war, I had been whipped for the same crime.
The surgeon, on the other hand, having heard my whole story from
my own mouth, defended me strenuously, and in the course of that
good-natured office recounted all the instances of Crampley's
malice against me while I remained on board of that ship. Which
declaration, while it satisfied the captain of my innocence, made
the lieutenant as much my defender's enemy as mine. The infernal
behaviour of Crampley, with regard to me, added such fuel to his
former resentment, that, at certain times, I was quite beside myself
with the desire of revenge, and was even tempted to pistol him on
the quarter-deck, though an infamous death must inevitably have been
my reward. But the surgeon, who was my confidant, argued against
such a desperate action so effectually, that I stifled the flame
which consumed me for the present, and resolved to wait for a more
convenient opportunity. In the meantime, that Mr. Tomlins might
be the more convinced of the wrongs I suffered by this fellow's
slander, I begged he would go and visit Mr. Thompson, whose wonderful
escape I had made him acquainted with, and inquire of him into the
particulars of my conduct, while he was my fellow-mate.

This request the surgeon complied with, more through curiosity to
see a person whose fate had been so extraordinary, than to confirm
his good opinion of me, which he assured me was already firmly
established. He therefore set out for the dwelling-place of my
friend, with a letter of introduction from me; and being received
with all the civility and kindness I expected, returned to the ship,
not only satisfied with my character beyond the power of doubt or
insinuation, but also charmed with the affability and conversation
of Thompson, who loaded him and me with presents of fresh stock,
liquors, and fruit. As he would not venture to come and see us
on board, lest Cramplay should know and detain him; when the time
of our departure approached, I obtained leave to go and bid him
farewell. After we had vowed an everlasting friendship, he pressed
upon me a purse, with four doubloons, which I refused as long
as I could without giving umbrage; and, having cordially embraced
each other, I returned on board, where I found a small box, with
a letter directed for me, to the care of Mr. Tomlins. Knowing the
superscription to be of Thompson's handwriting, I opened it with
some surprise, and learned that this generous friend, not content
with loading me with the presents already mentioned, had sent, for
my use and acceptance, half a dozen fine shirts, and as many linen
waistcoats and caps, with twelve pair of new thread stockings.
Being thus provided with money and all necessaries for the comfort
of life, I began to look upon myself as a gentleman of some
consequence, and felt my pride dilate a pace.

Next day we sailed for Port Royal, where we arrived safely with our
prizes; and, as there was nothing to do on board, I went ashore,
and having purchased a laced waistcoat, with some other clothes, at
a sale, made a swaggering figure for some days among the taverns,
where I ventured to play a little at hazard, and came off with
fifty pistoles in my pocket. Meanwhile our captain was promoted
to a ship of twenty guns, and the command of the Lizard given to
a man turned of fourscore, who had been lieutenant since the reign
of King William, and, notwithstanding his long service, would have
probably died in that station, had he not applied some prize-money
he had lately received, to make interest with his superiors. My
friend Brayl was also made an officer about the same time, after he
had served in quality of a midshipman and mate for five and twenty
years. Soon after these alterations, the admiral pitched upon our
ship to carry home dispatches for the ministry; and we set sail for
England, having first scrubbed her bottom, and taken in provision
and water for the occasion.





CHAPTER XXXVII




We depart for Europe--a misunderstanding arises between the Captain
and the Surgeon, through the scandalous aspersions of Crampley--the
Captain dies--Crampley tyrannises over the surgeon, who falls a
Victim for his Cruelty--I am also ill-used--the Ship strikes--the
behaviour of Crampley and the Seamen on that occasion---I get on
shore, challenge the Captain to single combat--am treacherously
knocked down, wounded, and robbed


Now that I could return to my native country in a creditable way,
I felt excessive pleasure in finding myself out of sight of that
fatal island, which has been the grave of so many Europeans: and,
as I was accommodated with everything to make the passage agreeable,
I resolved to enjoy myself as much as the insolence of Crampley would
permit. This insidious slanderer had found means already to cause
a misunderstanding between the surgeon and captain, who, by his age
and infirmities, was rendered intolerably peevish, his disposition
having also been soured by a long course of disappointments. He
had a particular aversion to all young men, especially to surgeons,
whom he considered unnecessary animals on board of a ship; and,
in consequence of these sentiments, never consulted the doctor,
notwithstanding his being seized with a violent fit of the gout
and gravel, but applied to a cask of Holland gin, which was his
sovereign prescription against all distempers: whether he was at
this time too sparing, or took an overdose of his cordial, certain
it is, he departed in the night, without any ceremony, which indeed
was a thing he always despised, and was found stiff next morning,
to the no small satisfaction of Crampley, who succeeded to the
command of the vessel. For that very reason, Mr. Tomlins and I had
no cause to rejoice at this event, fearing that the tyranny of our
new commander would now be as unlimited as his power. The first day
of his command justified our apprehensions: for, on pretence that
the decks were too much crowded, he ordered the surgeon's hencoops,
with all his fowls, to be thrown overboard; and at the same time
prohibited him and me from walking on the quarter-deck.

Mr. Tomlins could not help complaining of these injuries, and in
the course of his expostulation dropped some hasty words, of which
Crampley taking hold, confined him to his cabin, where, in a few
days, for want of air he was attacked by a fever, which soon put an
end to his life, after he had made his will, by which he bequeathed
all his estate, personal and real, to his sister, and left to me
his watch and instruments as memorials of his friendship. I was
penetrated with grief on this melancholy occasion; the more because
there was nobody on board to whom I could communicate my sorrows,
or of whom I could receive the least consolation or advice. Crampley
was so far from discovering the least remorse for his barbarity,
at the news of the surgeon's death, that he insulted his memory in
the most abusive manner, and affirmed he had poisoned himself out
of pure fear, dreading to be brought to a court-martial for mutiny;
for which reason he would not suffer the service of the dead to be
read over his body before it was thrown overboard.

Nothing but a speedy deliverance could have supported me under the
brutal sway of this bashaw, who, to render my life more irksome,
signified to my messmates a desire that I should be expelled from
their society. This was no sooner hinted, than they granted his
request; and I was fain to eat in a solitary manner by myself during
the rest of the passage, which, however, soon drew to a period.

We had been seven weeks at sea, when the gunner told the captain
that, by his reckoning, we must be in soundings, and desired he
would order the lead to be heaved. Crampley swore he did not know
how to keep the ship's way, for we were not within a hundred leagues
of soundings, and therefore he would not give himself the trouble
to cast the lead. Accordingly we continued our course all that
afternoon and night, without shortening sail, although the gunner
pretended to discover Scilly light; and next morning protested
in form against the captain's conduct, for which he was put in
confinement, We discovered no land all that day, and Crampley was
still so infatuated as to neglect sounding; but at three o'clock
in the morning the ship struck, and remained fast on a sand-bank.
This accident alarmed the whole crew; the boat was immediately
hoisted out, but as we could not discern which way the shore lay,
we were obliged to wait for daylight. In the meantime, the wind
increased, and the waves beat against the sloop with such violence,
that we expected she would have gone to pieces. The gunner was
released and consulted: he advised the captain to cut away the
mast, in order to lighten her; this expedient was performed without
success: the sailors, seeing things in a desperate situation,
according to custom, broke up the chests belonging to the officers,
dressed themselves in their clothes, drank their liquors without
ceremony, and drunkenness, tumult, and confusion ensued.

In the midst of this uproar, I went below to secure my own effects,
and found the carpenter's mate hewing down the purser's cabin with
his hatchet, whistling all the while with great composure. When I
asked his intention in so doing, he replied, very calmly, "I only
want to taste the purser's rum, that's all, master." At that instant
the purser coming down, and seeing his effects going to wreck,
complained bitterly of the injustice done to him, and asked the
fellow what occasion he had for liquor when, in all likelihood, he
would be in eternity in a few minutes. "All's one for that," said
plunderer, "let us live while we can." "Miserable wretch that thou
art!" cried the purser, "what must be thy lot in another world, if
thou diest in the commission of robbery?" "Why, hell, I suppose,"
replied the other, with great deliberation, while the purser fell
on his knees, and begged of Heaven that we might not all perish
for the sake of Jonas.

During this dialogue I clothed myself in my bed apparel, girded on
my hanger, stuck my pistols, loaded, in my belt, disposed of all
my valuable moveables about my person, and came upon deck with a
resolution of taking the first opportunity to get on shore, which,
when the day broke, appeared at the distance of three miles ahead.
Crampley, finding his efforts to get the ship off ineffectual,
determined to consult his own safety, by going into the boat, which
he had no sooner done, than the ship's company followed so fast,
that she would have sunk alongside, had not some one wiser than the
rest cut the rope and put off. But before this happened, I had made
several attempts to get in, and was always balked by the captain,
who was so eager in excluding me, that he did not mind the endeavours
of any other body. Enraged at this inhuman partiality, and seeing
the rope cut, I pulled one of my pistols from my belt, and cocking
it, swore I would shoot any man who would presume to obstruct my
entrance. So saying, I leaped with my full exertion, and got on
board of the boat with the loss of the skin of my shins. I chanced
in my descent to overturn Crampley, who no sooner got up than he
struck at me several times with a cutlass, and ordered the men to
throw me overboard; but they were too anxious about their own safety
to mind what he said. Though the boat was very deeply loaded, and
the sea terribly high, we made shift to get upon dry land in less
than an hour after we parted from the sloop. As soon as I set my
foot on terra firma, my indignation, which bad boiled so long within
me, broke out against Crampley, whom I immediately challenged to
single combat, presenting my pistols, that he might take his choice:
he took one without hesitation, and, before I could cock the other,
fired in my face, throwing the pistol after the shot. I felt myself
stunned, and imagining the bullet had entered my brain, discharged
mine as quick as possible, that I might not die unrevenged: then
flying upon my antagonist, knocked out several of his fore-teeth
with the butt-end of the piece, and would certainly have made an
end of him with that instrument, had he not disengaged himself,
and seized his cutlass, which he had given to his servant when he
received the pistol. Seeing him armed in this manner, I drew my
hanger, and, having flung my pistol at his head, closed with him
in a transport of fury, and thrust my weapon into his mouth, which
it enlarged on one side to his ear. Whether the smart of this wound
disconcerted him, or the unevenness of the ground made him reel, I
know not, but he staggered some paces back: I followed close, and
with one stroke cut the tendons of the back of his hand, Upon which
his cutlass dropped, and he remained defenceless. I know not with
what cruelty my rage might have inspired me, if I had not at that
instant been felled to the ground by a blow on the back part of
my head, which deprived me of all sensation. In this deplorable
situation, exposed to the rage of an incensed barbarian, and the
rapine of an inhuman crew, I remained for some time; and whether
any disputes arose among them during the state of my annihilation,
I cannot pretend to determine; but in one particular they seemed to
have been unanimous, and acted with equal dexterity and dispatch;
for when I recovered the use of my understanding, I found myself
alone in a desolate place, stripped of my clothes, money, watch,
buckles, and everything but my shoes, stockings, breeches and
shirt.  What a discovery must this have been to me, who, but an
hour before, was worth sixty guineas in cash! I cursed the hour
of my birth, the parents that gave me being, the sea that did not
swallow me up, the poniard of the enemy, which could not find the
way to my heart, the villainy of those who had left me in that
miserable condition; and in the ecstacy of despair resolved to be
still where I was, and perish.





CHAPTER XXXVIII




I get up and crawl into a barn, where I am in danger of perishing,
through the fear of the country people--their inhumanity--I am
succoured by a reputed witch--her story--her advice--she recommends
me as a valet to a single lady, whose character she explains


But as I lay ruminating, my passion insensibly abated; I considered
my situation in quite another light, from that in which it appeared
to me at first, and the result of my deliberation was to rise if I
could, and crawl to the next inhabited place for assistance. With
some difficulty I got upon my legs, and having examined my body,
found I had received no other injury than two large contused wounds,
one on the fore and another on the hinder part of my head, which
seemed to be occasioned by the same weapon, namely, the butt-end
of a pistol. I looked towards the sea, but could discern no remains
of the ship; so that I concluded she was gone to pieces, and that
those who remained in her had perished: but, as I afterwards learned,
the gunner, who had more sagacity than Crampley, observing that it
was flood when he left her, and that she would probably float at
high water, made no noise about getting on shore, but continued on
deck, in hopes of bringing her safe into some harbour, after her
commander should have deserted her, for which piece of service
he expected, no doubt, to be handsomely rewarded. This scheme he
accordingly executed, and was promised great things by the Admiralty
for saving his Majesty's ship: but I never heard he reaped the
fruits of his expectation. As for my own part, I directed my course
towards a small cottage I perceived, and in the road picked up a
seaman's old jacket, which I suppose the thief who dressed himself
in my clothes had thrown away: this was a very comfortable acquisition
to me, who was almost stiff with cold: I therefore put it on; and,
as my natural heat revived, my wounds, which had left off bleeding,
burst out afresh; so that, finding myself excessively exhausted,
I was about to lie down in the fields, when I discovered a barn on
my left hand, within a few yards of me; thither I made shift to
stagger, and finding the door open, went in, but saw nobody; however,
I threw myself upon a truss of straw, hoping to be soon relieved
by some person or other. I had not lain here many minutes, when I
saw a countryman come in with a pitchfork in his hand, which he was
upon the point of thrusting into the straw that concealed me, and
in all probability would have done my business, had I not uttered
a dreadful groan, after having essayed in vain to speak. This
melancholy note alarmed the clown, who started back, and discovering
a body all besmeared with blood, stood trembling, with the pitchfork
extended before him, his hair bristling up, his eyes staring, his
nostrils dilated, and his mouth wide open. At another time I should
have been much diverted by this figure, which preserved the same
attitude very near ten minutes, during which time I made many
unsuccessful efforts to implore his compassion and assistance; but my
tongue failed me, and my language was only a repetition of groans.
At length an old man arrived, who, seeing the other in such a
posture, cried, "Mercy upon en! the leaad's bewitched! why, Dick,
beest thou besayd thyself!" Dick, without moving his eyes from the
object that terrified him, replied, "O vather! vatber! here be
either the devil or a dead mon: I doant know which o'en, but a groans
woundily." The father, whose eyesight was none of the best, pulled
out his spectacles, and, having applied them to his nose reconnoitered
me over his son's shoulder: but no sooner did he behold me, than
he was seized with a fit of shaking, even more violent than Dick's,
and, with a broken accent, addressed me thus: "In the name of the
Vather, Zun, and Holy Ghost, I charge you, an you been Satan, to
be gone to the Red Zen; but an you be a moordered mon, speak, that
you may have a Christom burial."

As I was not in a condition to satisfy him in this particular, he
repeated his conjuration to no purpose, and they continued a good
while in the agonies of fear. At length the father proposed that
the son should draw nearer, and take a more distinct view of the
apparition; but Dick was of opinion that his father should advance
first, he being an old man past his labour and, if he received any
mischief, the loss would be the smaller; whereas he himself might
escape, and be useful, in his generation. This prudential reason
had no effect upon the senior, who still kept Dick between me and
him.  In the meantime I endeavoured to raise one hand as a signal
of distress, but had only strength sufficient to produce a rustling
among the straw, which discomposed the young peasant so much, that
he sprang out at the door, and overthrew his father in his flight.
The old gentleman would not spend time in getting up, but crawled
backwards like a crab, with great speed, till he had got over
the threshold, mumbling exorcisms all the way. I was exceedingly
mortified to find myself in danger of perishing through the ignorance
and cowardice of these clowns; and felt my spirits decay apace,
when an old woman entered the barn, followed by the two fugitives
and with great intrepidity advanced to the place where I lay,
saying, "If it be the devil I fearen not, and for a dead mon a can
do us no harm." When she saw my condition, she cried, "Here be no
devil, but in your en fool's head. Here be a poor miserable wretch
bleeding to death, and if a dies, we must be at the charge of burying
him; therefore, Dick, go vetch the old wheelbarrow and put en in,
and carry en to goodman Hodge's backdoor; he is more able than we
to pay out money upon poor vagrants." Her advice was taken, and
immediately put in execution; I was rolled to the other farmer's door,
where I was tumbled out like a heap of dung; and should certainly
have fallen a prey to the hogs, if my groans had not disturbed
the family, and brought some of them out to view my situation. But
Hodge resembled the Jew more than the good Samaritan, and ordered
me to be carried to the house of the parson, whose business it was
to practise as well as to preach charity; observing that it was
sufficient for him to pay his quota towards the maintenance of
the poor belonging to his own parish. When I was set down at the
vicar's gate, he fell into a mighty passion, and threatened to
excommunicate him who sent, as well as those who brought me, unless
they would move me immediately to another place.  About this time
I fainted with the fatigue I had undergone, and afterwards understood
that I was bandied from door to door through a whole village, nobody
having humanity enough to administer the least relief to me, Until
an old woman, who was suspected of witchcraft by the neighbourhood,
hearing of my distress, received me into her house, and, having
dressed my wounds, brought me to myself with cordials of her own
preparing. I was treated with great care and tenderness by this
grave matron, who, after I had recovered some strength, desired to
know the particulars of my last disaster. This piece of satisfaction
I could not refuse to one who had saved my life, therefore related
all my adventures without exaggeration or reserve. She seemed
surprised at the vicissitudes I had undergone, and drew a happy
presage of my future life from my past suffering, then launched out
into the praise of adversity, with so much ardour and good sense,
that I concluded she was a person who had seen better days, and
conceived a longing desire to hear her story. She perceived my drift
by some words I dropped, and smiling told me, there was nothing
either entertaining or extraordinary in the course of her fortune;
but, however, she would communicate it to me, in consideration of
the confidence I had reposed in her. "It is of little consequence,"
said she, "to tell the names of my parents, who are dead many
years ago; let it suffice to assure you, they were wealthy, and
had no other child than me; so that I was looked upon as heiress to
a considerable estate, and teased with addresses on that account.
Among the number of my admirers, there was a young gentleman of no
fortune, whose sole dependence was on his promotion in the army, in
which, at that time, he bore a lieutenant's commission. I conceived
an affection for this amiable officer, which, in a short time,
increased to a violent passion. and without entering into minute
circumstances, married him privately. We had not enjoyed one another
long in stolen interviews, when he was ordered with his regiment
to Flanders; but, before he set out, it was agreed between us, that
we should declare our marriage to my father by letter, and implore
his pardon for the step we had taken without his approbation. This
discovery was made while I was abroad visiting, and just as I was
about to return home, I received a letter from my father, importing
that, since I had acted so undutifully and meanly as to marry
a beggar, without his privity or consent, to the disgrace of his
family as well as the disappointment of his hopes, he renounced me
to the miserable fate I had entailed upon myself, and charged me
never to set foot within his doors again. This rigid sentence was
confirmed by my mother, who, in a postscript, gave me to understand
that her sentiments were exactly conformable to those of my father,
and that I might save myself the trouble of making any applications,
for her resolutions were unalterable. Thunderstruck with my evil
fortune I called a coach, and drove to my husband's lodgings, where
I found him waiting the event of his letter. Though he could easily
divine by my looks the issue of his declaration, he read with great
steadiness the epistle I had received; and with a smile full of
tenderness, which I shall never forget, embraced me, saying, "I
believe the good lady your mother might have spared herself the
trouble of the last part of her postscript. Well, my dear Betty,
you must lay aside all thoughts of a coach, till I can procure the
command of a regiment." This unconcerned behaviour, while it enabled
me to support my reverse of fortune, at the same time endeared
him to me the more, by convincing me of his disinterested views in
espousing me. I was next day boarded in company with the wife of
another officer, who had long been the friend and confidant of my
husband, at a village not far from London, where they parted with
us in the most melting manner, went to Flanders, and were killed
in sight of one another at the battle of the Wood.

"Why should I tire you with a description of our unutterable
sorrow at the fatal news of this event, the remembrance of which
now fills my aged eyes with tears! When our grief subsided a little,
and reflection came to our aid, we found ourselves deserted by the
whole world, and in danger of perishing by want; whereupon we made
application for the pension, and were put upon the list. Then,
vowing eternal friendship, sold our jewels and superfluous clothes,
retired to this place (which is in the county of Sussex) bought
this little house, where we lived many years in a solitary manner,
indulging our mutual sorrow, till it pleased Heaven to call away
my companion two years ago; since which time I have lingered out
an unhappy being, in hopes of a speedy dissolution, when I promise
myself the eternal reward of all my cares. In the meantime," continued
she, "I must inform you of the character I bear among my neighbours.
My conversation being different from that of the inhabitants of
the village, my recluse way of life, my skill in curing distempers,
which I acquired from books since I settled here, and lastly,
my age having made the common people look upon me as something
preternatural, and I am actually, at this hour, believed to be
a witch. The parson of the parish, whose acquaintance I have not
been at much pains to cultivate, taking umbrage at my supposed
disrespect, has contributed not a little towards the confirmation
of this opinion, by dropping certain hints to my prejudice among
the vulgar, who are also very much scandalised at my entertaining
this poor tabby cat with the collar about her neck, which was a
favourite of my deceased companion."

The whole behaviour of this venerable person was so primitive,
innocent, sensible, and humane, that I contracted a filial respect
for her, and begged her advice with regard to my future conduct,
as soon as I was in a condition to act for myself. She dissuaded
me from a design I had formed of travelling to Louder, in hopes of
retrieving my clothes and pay, by returning to my ship, which by
this time I read in the newspaper was safely arrived in the River
Thames: "because," said she, "you run the hazard of being treated
not only as a deserter in quitting the sloop, but also as a mutineer,
in assaulting your commanding officer, to the malice of whose revenge
you will moreover be exposed." She then promised to recommend me,
as servant to a single lady of her acquaintance, who lived in the
neighbourhood with her nephew, who was a young foxhunter of great
fortune, where I might be very happy, provided I could bear with
the disposition and manners of my mistress, which were somewhat
whimsical and particular. But, above all things, she counselled
me to conceal my story, the knowledge of which would effectually
poison my entertainment; for it was a maxim, among most people of
condition, that no gentleman ought to be admitted into a family
as a domestic, lest he become lazy, and insolent. I was fain to
embrace this humble proposal, because my affairs were desperate;
and in a few days was hired by this lady, to serve in quality of
her footman, having been represented by my hostess as a young man
who was bred up to the sea by his relations against his will, and
had suffered shipwreck, which had increased his disgust to that
way of life so much, that he rather chose to go to service on
shore, than enter himself on board of any other ship. Before I took
possession of my new place, she gave me a sketch of my mistress's
character, that I might know better how to regulate my conduct.

"Your lady," said she, "is a maiden of forty years, not so remarkable
for her beauty as her learning and taste, which is famous all over
the country. Indeed, she is a perfect female virtuoso, and so eager
after the pursuit of knowledge that she neglects her person even
to a degree of sluttishness; this negligence, together with her
contempt of the male part of the creation, gives her nephew no great
concern, as by these means he will probably keep her fortune, which
is considerable. in the family. He therefore permits her to live
in her own way, which is something extraordinary, and gratifies her
in all her whimsical desires. Her apartment is at some distance from
the other inhabited parts of the house; and consists of a dining-room,
bedchamber, and study; she keeps a cook maid, a waiting-woman, and
footman, of her own, and seldom eats or converses with any of the
family but her niece, who is a very lovely creature, and humours
her aunt often to the prejudice of her own health by sitting up
with her whole nights together; for your mistress is too much of
a philosopher to be swayed by the custom of the world, and never
sleeps nor eats like other people. Among other odd notions, she
professes the principles of Rosicrucius, and believes the earth,
air, and sea, are inhabited by invisible beings, with whom it
is possible for the human species to entertain correspondence and
intimacy, on the easy condition of living chaste. As she hopes one
day to be admitted into an acquaintance of this kind, she no sooner
heard of me and my cat, than she paid me a visit, with a view,
as she has since owned, to be introduced to my familiar; and was
greatly mortified to find herself disappointed in her expectation.
Being by this visionary turn of mind abstracted as it were from
the world, she cannot advert to the common occurrences of life;
and therefore is frequently so absent as to commit very strange
mistakes and extravagancies, which you will do well to rectify and
repair, as your prudence shall suggest."





CHAPTER XXXIX




My Reception by that Lady--I become enamoured of Narcissa--recount
the particulars of my last misfortune-acquire the good opinion of
my Mistress--an Account of the young Squire--I am made acquainted with
more particulars of Narcissa's Situation--conceive a mortal hatred
against Sir Timothy--examine my Lady's library and performances--her
extravagant behaviour


Fraught with these useful instructions, I repaired to the place
of her habitation, and was introduced by the waiting-woman to the
presence of my lady, who had not before seen me. She sat in her
study, with one foot on the ground, and the other upon a high stool
at some distance from her seat; her sandy locks hung down, in a
disorder I cannot call beautiful, from her head, which was deprived
of its coif, for the benefit of scratching with one hand, while
she held the stump of a pen in the other. Her forehead was high and
wrinkled; her eyes were large, gray, and prominent; her nose was
long, and aquiline: her mouth of vast capacity, her visage meagre
and freckled, and her chin peaked like a shoemaker's paring knife;
her upper lip contained a large quantity of plain Spanish, which,
by continual falling, had embroidered her neck, that was not
naturally very white, and the breast of her gown, that flowed loose
about her with a negligence that was truly poetic, discovering linen
that was very fine, and, to all appearance, never washed but in
Castalian streams. Around her lay heaps of books, globes, quadrants,
telescopes, and other learned apparatus; her snuff-box stood at
her right hand: at her left hand lay her handkerchief, sufficiently
used, and a convenience to spit in appeared on one side of her
chair. She being in a reverie when we entered, the maid did not think
proper to disturb her; so that we waited some minutes unobserved,
during which time she bit the quill several times, altered
her position, made many wry faces, and, at length, with an air of
triumph, repeated aloud:

"Nor dare th'immortal gods my rage oppose!"

Having committed her success to paper, she turned towards the
door, and perceiving us, cried, "What's the matter?" "Here's the
young man," replied my conductress, "whom Mrs. Sagely recommended
as a footman to your ladyship." On this information she stared in
my face for a considerable time, and then asked my name, which I
thought proper to conceal under that of John Brown. After having
surveyed me with a curious eye, she broke out into, "O! ay, thou
wast shipwrecked, I remember. Whether didst thou come on shore on
the back of a whale or a dolphin?" To this I answered, I had swam
ashore without any assistance. Then she demanded to know if I had
ever been at the Hellespont, and swam from Sestos to Abydos. I
replied in the negative; upon which she bade the maid order a suit
of new livery for me, and instruct me in the articles of my duty:
so she spit in her snuff-box, and wiped her nose with her cap,
which lay on the table, instead of a handkerchief.

We returned to the kitchen, where I was regaled by the maids, who
seemed to vie with each other in expressing their regard for me;
and from them I understood, that my business consisted in cleaning
knives and forks, laying the cloth, waiting at table, carrying
messages, and attending my lady when she went abroad. There was
a very good suit of livery in the house, which had belonged to my
predecessor deceased, and it fitted me exactly; so that there was
no occasion for employing a tailor on my account. I had not been
long equipped in this manner, when my lady's bell rung; upon which, I
ran up stairs, and found her stalking about the room in her shift
and under petticoat only; I would immediately have retired as became
me, but she bade me come in, and air a clean shift for her; which
operation I having performed with some backwardness, she put it on
before me without any ceremony, and I verily believe was ignorant
of my sex all that time, as being quite absorbed in contemplation.
About four o'clock in the afternoon I was ordered to lay the cloth,
and place two covers, which I understood were for my mistress
and her niece, whom I had not as yet seen. Though I was not very
dexterous at this work, I performed it pretty well for a beginner,
and, when dinner was upon the table, saw my mistress approach,
accompanied by the young lady, whose name for the present shall
be Narcissa. So much sweetness appeared in the countenance and
carriage of this amiable apparition, that my heart was captivated
at first sight, and while dinner lasted, I gazed upon her without
intermission. Her age seemed to be seventeen, her stature tall,
her shape unexceptionable, her hair, that fell down upon her ivory
neck in ringlets, black as jet; her arched eyebrows of the same
colour; her eyes piercing, yet tender; her lips of the consistence
and hue of cherries; her complexion clear, delicate and healthy;
her aspect noble, ingenuous, and humane; and the whole person so
ravishingly delightful, that it was impossible for any creature
endued with sensibility, to see without admiring, and admire without
loving her to excess. I began to curse the servile station that
placed me so far beneath the regard of this idol of my adoration!
and yet I blessed my fate, that enabled me to enjoy daily the sight
of so much perfection! When she spoke I listened with pleasure;
but when she spoke to me, my soul was thrilled with an extacy of
tumultuous joy.  I was even so happy as to be the subject of their
conversation; for Narcissa, having observed me, said to her aunt,
"I see your new footman is come." Then addressing herself to me,
asked, with ineffable complacency, if I was the person who had been
so cruelly used by robbers? When I had satisfied her in this; she
expressed a desire of knowing the other particulars of my fortune,
both before and since my being shipwrecked: hereupon (as Mrs. Sagely
had counselled me) I told her that I had been bound apprentice
to the master of a ship, contrary to my inclination, which ship
had foundered at sea; that I and four more, who chanced to be on
deck when she went down, made shift to swim to the shore, when my
companions, after having overpowered me, stripped me to the shirt,
and left me, as they imagined, dead of the wounds I received in my
own defence. Then I related the circumstances of being found in a
barn, with the inhuman treatment I met with from the country people
and parson; the description of which, I perceived, drew tears from
the charming creature's eyes. When I had finished my recital, my
mistress, said, "Ma foi! le garcon est bien fait!" To which opinion
Narcissa assented, with a compliment to my understanding, in the
same language, that flattered my vanity extremely.

The conversation, among other subjects, turned upon the young
squire, whom my lady inquired after under the title of the Savage;
and was informed by her niece that he was still in bed, repairing
the fatigue of last night's debauch, and recruiting strength and
spirits to undergo a fox chase to-morrow morning, in company with
Sir Timothy Thicket, Squire Bumper, and a great many other gentlemen
of the same stamp, whom he had invited on that occasion! so that
by daybreak the whole house would be in an uproar. This was a very
disagreeable piece of news to the virtuoso, who protested she would
stuff her ears with cotton when she went to bed, and take a dose
of opium to make her sleep the more sound, that she might not be
disturbed and distracted by the clamour of the brutes.

When their dinner was over, I and my fellow servants sat down to
ours in the kitchen, where I understood that Sir Timothy Thicket was
a wealthy knight in the neighbourhood, between whom and Narcissa a
match had been projected by her brother, who promised at the same
time to espouse Sir Timothy's sister; by which means, as their
fortunes were pretty equal, the young ladies would be provided
for, and their brothers be never the poorer; but that the ladies
did not concur in the scheme, each of them entertaining a hearty
contempt for the person allotted to her for a husband by this
agreement. This information begat in me a mortal aversion to Sir
Timothy, whom I looked upon as my rival, and cursed in my heart
for his presumption.

Next morning, by daybreak, being awakened by the noise of the
hunters and hounds, I rose to view the cavalcade, and had a sight
of my competitor, whose accomplishments (the estate excluded) did
not seem brilliant enough to give me much uneasiness with respect
to Narcissa, who, I flattered myself, was not to be won by such
qualifications as he was master of, either as to person or mind.
My mistress, notwithstanding her precaution, was so much disturbed
by her nephew's company, that she did not rise till five o'clock
in the afternoon; so that I had an opportunity of examining her
study at leisure, to which examination I was strongly prompted by
my curiosity. Here I found a thousand scraps of her own poetry,
consisting of three, four, ten, twelve, and twenty lines, on
an infinity of subjects, which, as whim inspired, she had begun,
without constancy or capacity to bring to any degree of composition:
but, what was very extraordinary in a female poet, there was not
the least mention made of love in any of her performances. I counted
fragments of five tragedies, the titles of which were "The Stern
Philosopher," "The Double," "The Sacrilegious Traitor," "The Fall
of Lucifer," and "The Last Day." From whence I gathered, that her
disposition was gloomy, and her imagination delighted with objects
of horror. Her library was composed of the best English historians,
poets, and philosophers; of all the French critics and poets, and
of a few books in Italian, chiefly poetry, at the head of which were
Tasso and Ariosto, pretty much used. Besides these, translations
of the classics into French, but not one book in Greek or Latin;
a circumstance that discovered her ignorance in these languages.

After having taken a full view of this collection, I retired, and at
the usual time was preparing to lay the cloth, when I was told by
the maid that her mistress was still in bed, and had been so affected
with the notes of the hounds in the morning, that she actually
believed herself a hare beset by the hunters, and begged a few
greens to munch for breakfast. When I expressed my surprise in this
unaccountable imagination she gave me to understand that her lady
was very much subject to whims of this nature; sometimes fancying
herself an animal, sometimes a piece of furniture, during which
conceited transformations it was very dangerous to come near her,
especially when she represented a beast; for that lately, in the
character of a cat, she had flown at her, and scratched her face
in a terrible manner: that some months ago, she prophesied the
general conflagration was at hand, and nothing would be able to
quench it but her water, which therefore she kept so long, that her
life was in danger, and she must needs have died of the retention,
had they not found an expedient to make her evacuate, by kindling
a bonfire under her chamber window and persuading her that the house
was in flames: upon which, with great deliberation, she bade them
bring all the tubs and vessels they could find to be filled for
the preservation of the house, into one of which she immediately
discharged the cause of her distemper. I was also informed that
nothing contributed so much to the recovery of her reason as music,
which was always administered on those occasions by Narcissa, who
played perfectly well on the harpsichord, and to whom she (the maid)
was just then going to intimate her aunt's disorder.

She was no sooner gone than I was summoned by the bell to my lady's
chamber, where I found her sitting squat on her hands on the floor,
in the manner of puss when she listens to the outcries of her
pursuers. When I appeared, she started up with an alarmed look,
and sprang to the other side of the room to avoid me, whom, without
doubt, she mistook for a beagle thirsting after her life. Perceiving
her extreme confusion, I retired, and on the staircase met the
adorable Narcissa coming up, to whom I imparted the situation of my
mistress; she said not a word, but smiling with unspeakable grace,
went into her aunt's apartment, and in a little time my ears were
ravished with the efforts of her skill. She accompanied the instrument
with a voice so sweet and melodious, that I did not wonder at the
surprising change it produced on the spirits of my mistress which
composed to peace and sober reflection.

About seven o'clock, the hunters arrived with the skins of two foxes
and one badger, carried before them as trophies of their success;
and when they were about to sit down to dinner (or supper) Sir
Timothy Thicket desired that Narcissa would honour the table with
her presence; but this request, notwithstanding her brother's
threats and entreaties, she refused, on pretence of attending her
aunt, who was indisposed; so I enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing
my rival mortified: but this disappointment made no great impression
on him, who consoled himself with the bottle, of which the whole
company became so enamoured that, after a most horrid uproar of
laughing, singing, swearing, and fighting, they were all carried to
bed in a state of utter oblivion. My duty being altogether detached
from the squire and his family, I led a pretty easy and comfortable
life, drinking daily intoxicating draughts of love from the charms
of Narcissa, which brightened on my contemplation every day more
and more. Inglorious as my station was, I became blind to my own
unworthiness, and even conceived hopes of one day enjoying this amiable
creature, whose, affability greatly encouraged these presumptuous
thoughts.





CHAPTER XL



My mistress is surprised at my learning--communicates her performances
to me--I impart some of mine to her--am mortified at her faint
praise--Narcissa approves of my conduct--I gain an involuntary
conquest over the cookwench and dairymaid--their mutual resentment
and insinuations--the jealousy of their lovers


During this season of love and tranquillity, my muse, which had lain
dormant so long, awoke, and produced several small performances on
the subject of my flame. But as it concerned me nearly to remain
undiscovered in my character and sentiments, I was under a necessity
of mortifying my desire of praise, by confining my works to my own
perusal and applause. In the meantime I strove to insinuate myself
into the good opinion of both ladies; and succeeded so well, by
my diligence and dutiful behaviour, that in a little time I was at
least a favourite servant; and frequently enjoyed the satisfaction
of hearing myself mentioned in French and Italian, with some
degree of warmth and surprise by the dear object of all my wishes,
as a person who had so much of the gentleman in my appearance and
discourse, that she could not for her soul treat me like a common
lacquey. My prudence and modesty were not long proof against these
bewitching compliments. One day, while I waited at dinner, the
conversation turned upon a knotty passage of Tasso's Gierusalem, which,
it seems, had puzzled them both: after a great many unsatisfactory
conjectures, my mistress, taking the book out of her pocket, turned
up the place in question, and read the sentence over and over without
success; at length, despairing of finding the author's meaning, she
turned to me, saying, "Come hither, Bruno; let us see what fortune
will do for us: I will interpret to thee what goes before, and what
follows this obscure paragraph, the particular words of which I
will also explain, that thou mayst, by comparing one with another,
guess the sense of that which perplexes us." I was too vain
to let slip this opportunity of displaying my talents; therefore,
without hesitation, read and explained the whole of that which had
disconcerted them, to the utter astonishment of both.  Narcissa's
face and lovely neck were overspread with blushes, from which I
drew a favourable opinion, while her aunt, after having stared at
me a good while with a look of amazement, exclaimed, "In the name
of heaven who art thou?" I told her I had picked up a smattering
of Italian, during a voyage up the Straits. At this explanation
she shook her head, and observed that no smatterer could read as
I had done. She then desired to know if I understood French.  To
which question I answered in the affirmative. She asked if I was
acquainted with the Latin and Greek? I replied, "A little." "Oho!"
continued she, "and with philosophy and mathematics, I suppose?"
I owned I knew something of each. Then she repeated her stare and
interrogation. I began to repent of my vanity, and in order to
repair the fault I committed, said, it was not to be wondered at
if I had a tolerable education, for learning was so cheap in my
country, that every peasant was a scholar; but, I hoped her Ladyship
would think my understanding no exception to my character. "No,
no, God forbid." But during the rest of the time they sat at table,
they behaved with remarkable reserve.

This alteration gave me great uneasiness; and I passed the night
without sleep, in melancholy reflections on the vanity of young men,
which prompts them to commit so many foolish actions, contrary to
their own sober judgment. Next day, however, instead of profiting
by this self-condemnation, I yielded still more to the dictates
of the principle I had endeavoured to chastise, and if fortune had
not befriended me more than prudence could expect, I should have
been treated with the contempt it deserved. After breakfast my
lady, who was a true author, bade me follow her into the study,
where she expressed herself thus: "Since you are so learned, you
cannot be void of taste; therefore I am to desire your opinion of
a small performance in poetry, which I lately composed. You must
know that I have planned a tragedy, the subject of which shall be,
the murder of a prince before the altar, where he is busy at his
devotions. After the deed is perpetrated, the regicide will harangue
the people with the bloody dagger in his hand; and I have already
composed a speech, which, I think, will suit the character extremely.
Here it is." Then, taking up a scrap of paper, she read, with
violent emphasis and gesture, as follows:--


    "Thus have I sent the simple King to hell,
    Without or coffin, shroud, or passing bell:
    To me what are divine and human laws?
    I court no sanction but my own applause!
    Rapes, robberies, treasons, yield my soul delight,
    And human carnage gratifies my sight:
    I drag the parent by the hoary hair,
    And toss the sprawling infant on the spear,
    While the fond mother's cries regale my ear.
    I fight, I vanquish, murder friends and foes;
    Nor dare the immortal gods my rage oppose."


Though I did great violence to my understanding in praising this
unnatural rhapsody, I nevertheless extolled it as a production
that of itself deserved immortal fame; and besought her ladyship
to bless the world with the fruits of those uncommon talents Heaven
had bestowed upon her. She smiled with a look of self-complacency,
and encouraged by the incense I had offered, communicated all her
poetical works which I applauded, one by one, with as little candour
as I had shown at first. Satiated with my flattery, which I hope
my situation justified, she could not in conscience refuse me an
opportunity of shining in my turn: and, therefore, after a compliment
to my nice discernment and taste, observed, that doubtless I must
have produced something in that way myself, which she desired to
see. This was temptation I could by no means resist.  I owned that
while I was at college I wrote some detached pieces, at the desire
of a friend who was in love; and at her request repeated the
following verses, which indeed my love for Narcissa had inspired:--


               On Celia,

  Playing on the harpsichord and singing.

    When Sappho struck the quivering wire,
    The throbbing breast was all on fire:
    And when she raised the vocal lay,
    The captive soul was charm'd away.

    But had the nymph possessed with these
    Thy softer, chaster, power to please;
    Thy beauteous air of sprightly youth,
    Thy native smiles of artless truth;

    The worm of grief had never preyed
    On the forsaken love-sick maid:
    Nor had she mourn'd a hapless flame,
    Nor dash'd on rocks her tender frame.


My mistress paid me a cold compliment on the versification, which,
she said, was elegant enough, but, the subject beneath the pen of
a true poet. I was extremely nettled at her indifference, and looked
at Narcissa, who by this time had joined us, for her approbation;
but she declined giving her opinion, protesting she was no judge
of these matters; so that I was forced to retire very much balked
in my expectation, which was generally a little too sanguine. In
the afternoon, however, the waiting-maid assured me that Narcissa
had expressed her approbation of my performance with great warmth,
and desired her to procure a copy of it as for herself, that she
(Narcissa) might have an opportunity to peruse it at pleasure.
I was elated to an extravagant pitch at this intelligence, and
immediately transcribed a fair copy of my Ode, which was carried
to the dear charmer, together with another on the same subject, as
follows:--


    Thy fatal shaft unerring move;
    I bow before thine altar, Love!
    I feel thou soft resistless flame
    Glide swift through all my vital frame!

    For while I gaze my bosom glows,
    My blood in tides impetuous flows;
    Hope, fear, and joy alternate roll,
    And floods of transports 'whelm my soul!

    My faltering tongue attempts in vain
    In soothing murmurs to complain;
    My tongue some secret magic ties,
    My murmurs sink in broken sighs.

    Condemn'd to nurse eternal care,
    And ever drop the silent tear,
    Unheard I mourn, unknown I sigh,
    Unfriended live, unpitied die!


Whether or not Narcissa discovered my passion, I could not learn from
her behaviour, which, though always benevolent to me was henceforth
more reserved and less cheerful. While my thoughts aspired to a
sphere so far above me, I had unwittingly made a conquest of the
cookwench and dairymaid, who became so jealous of each other that,
if their sentiments had been refined by education, it is probable
one or other of them would have had recourse to poison or steel to
be avenged of her rival; but, as their minds were happily adapted
to their humble station, their mutual enmity was confined to scolding
and fistcuffs, in which exercise they were both well skilled. My
good fortune did not long remain a secret; for it was disclosed by
the frequent broils of these heroines, who kept no decorum in their
encounters. The coachman and gardener, who paid their devoirs to
my admirers, each to his respective choice, alarmed at my success,
laid their heads together, in order to concert n plan of revenge;
and the former, having been educated at the academy at Tottenham
Court, undertook to challenge me to single combat. He accordingly,
with many opprobrious invectives, bade me defiance, and offered
to box me for twenty guineas. I told him that, although I believed
myself a match for him even at that work I would not descend so far
below the dignity of a gentleman as to fight like a porter; but if
he had anything to say to me, I was his man at blunderbuss, musket,
pistol, sword, hatchet, spit, cleaver, fork, or needle; nay,
I swore, that should he give his tongue any more saucy liberties
at my expense, I would crop his ears without any ceremony.  This
rhodomontade, delivered with a stern countenance and resolute tone,
had the desired effect upon my antagonist, who, with some confusion,
sneaked off, and gave his friend an account of his reception.

The story, taking air among the servants, procured for me the title
of Gentleman John, with which I was sometimes honoured, even by my
mistress and Narcissa, who had been informed of the whole affair
by the chambermaid. In the meantime, the rival queens expressed
their passion by all the ways in their power: the cook entertained
me with choice bits, the dairymaid with strokings: the first would
often encourage me to declare myself, by complimenting me upon my
courage and learning, and observing, that if she had a husband like
me, to maintain order and keep accounts, she could make a great deal
of money, by setting up an eating-house in London for gentlemen's
servants on board wages. The other courted my affection by showing
her own importance, and telling me that many a substantial farmer
in the neighbourhood would be glad to marry her, but she was resolved
to please her eye, if she should plague her heart. Then she would
launch out into the praise of my proper person, and say, she was
sure I would make a good husband, for I was very good-natured. I
began to be uneasy at the importunities of these inamoratas, whom,
at another time perhaps, I might have pleased without the disagreeable
sauce of matrimony, but, at present, my whole soul was engrossed
by Narcissa; and I could not bear the thoughts of doing anything
derogatory to the passion I entertained for her.





CHAPTER XLI




Narcissa being in danger from the brutality of Sir Timothy, is
rescued by me, who revenge myself on my rival--I declare my passion,
and retreat to the seaside--am surrounded by smugglers, and carried
to Boulogne--find my Uncle Lieutenant Bowling in great distress,
and relieve him--our conversation


At certain intervals my ambition would revive; I would despise myself
for my tame resignation to my sordid fate, and revolve a hundred
schemes for assuming the character of a gentleman, to which I
thought myself entitled by birth and education. In these fruitless
suggestions time stole away unperceived, and I had already remained
eight months in the station of a footman, when an accident happened
that put an end to my servitude, and, for the present, banished
all hopes of succeeding in my love.

Narcissa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, who lived with her
brother within less than a mile of our house, and was persuaded to
walk home in the cool of the evening, accompanied by Sir Timothy,
who, having a good deal of the brute in him, was instigated to use
some unbecoming familiarities with her, encouraged by the solitariness
of a field through which they passed. The lovely creature was
incensed at his rude behaviour for which she reproached him in such
a manner that he lost all regard to decency, and actually offered
violence to this pattern of innocence and beauty.  But Heaven
would not suffer so much goodness to be violated, and sent me, who,
passing by accident near the place, was alarmed with her cries,
for her succour. What were the emotions of my soul, when I beheld
Narcissa almost sinking beneath the brutal force of this satyr! I
flew like lightning to her rescue, and he, perceiving me, quitted
his prey, and drew his hanger to chastise my presumption. My
indignation was too high to admit one thought of fear, so that,
rushing upon him, I struck his weapon out of his hand, and used my
cudgel so successfully that he fell to the ground, and lay, to all
appearance, without sense. Then I turned to Narcissa, who had swooned,
and sitting down by her, gently raised her head, and supported it
on my bosom, while, with my hand around her waist, I kept her in
that position. My soul was thrilled with tumultuous joy, at feeling
the object of my dearest wishes within my arms; and, while she lay
insensible, I could not refrain from applying my cheeks to hers,
and ravishing a kiss. In a little time the blood began to revisit
her face, she opened her enchanting eyes, and, having recollected
her late situation, said, with a look full of tender acknowledgment,
"Dear John, I am eternally obliged to you!" So saying she made an
effort to rise, in which I assisted her, and she proceeded to the
house, leaning upon me all the way. I was a thousand times tempted
by this opportunity to declare my passion, but the dread of
disobliging her restrained my tongue. We had not moved a hundred
paces from the scene of her distress, when I perceived Sir Timothy
rise and walk homeward--a circumstance which, though it gave me
some satisfaction, inasmuch as I thereby knew I had not killed him,
filled me with just apprehension of his resentment, which I found
myself in no condition to withstand; especially when I considered
his intimacy with our squire, to whom I knew he could justify himself
for what he had done, by imputing it to his love, and desiring his
brother Bruin to take the same liberty with his sister, without
any fear of offence.

When we arrived at the house, Narcissa assured me she would exert
all her influence in protecting me from the revenge of Thicket, and
likewise engage her aunt in my favour, At the same time, pulling
out her purse, offered it as a small consideration for the service
I had done her. But I stood too much upon the punctilios of love
to incur the least suspicion of being mercenary, and refused the
present, by saying I had merited nothing by barely doing my duty.
She seemed astonished at my disinterestedness, and blushed: I felt
the same suffusion, and, with a downcast eye and broken accent,
told her I had one request to make, which, if her generosity would
grant, I should think myself fully recompensed, for an age of misery.
She changed colour at this preamble, and, with great confusion,
replied, she hoped my good sense would hinder me from asking
anything she was bound in honour to refuse, and therefore bade me
signify my desire.  Upon which I kneeled, and engaged to kiss her
hand. She immediately, with an averted look, stretched it out:
I imprinted on it an ardent kiss, and, bathing it with my tears,
cried, "Dear Madam, I am an unfortunate gentleman, and love you
to distraction, but would have died a thousand deaths rather than
make this declaration under such a servile appearance, were I not
determined to yield to the rigour of my fate, to fly from your
bewitching presence, and bury my presumptuous passion in eternal
silence." With these words I rose, and went away before she could
recover her spirits so far as to make any reply.

My first care was to go and consult Mrs. Sagely, with whom I had
entertained a friendly correspondence ever since I left her house.
When she understood my situation, the good woman, with real concern,
condoled with me on my unhappy fate, and approved of my resolution
to leave the country, as being perfectly well acquainted with the
barbarous disposition of my rival, "who, by this time," said she,
"has no doubt meditated a scheme of revenge. Indeed, I cannot see
how you will be able to elude his vengeance; being himself in the
commission, he will immediately grant warrants for apprehending
you; and, as almost all the people in this country are dependent
on him or his friend, it will be impossible for you to find shelter
among them. If you should be apprehended, he will commit you to
jail, where you may possibly in great misery languish till the next
assizes, and then be transported for assaulting a magistrate."

While she thus warned me of my danger, we heard a knocking
at the door, which threw us both into great consternation, as in
all probability, it was occasioned by my pursuers; whereupon this
generous old lady, putting two guineas into my hand, with tears in
her eyes, bade me, for God's sake, get out at the back-door and
consult my safety as Providence should direct me. There was no
time for deliberation. I followed her advice, and escaped by the
benefit of a dark night to the seaside, where, while I ruminated on
my next excursion, I was all of a sudden surrounded by armed men,
who, having bound my hands and feet, bade me make no noise on pain
of being shot, and carried me on board of a vessel, which I soon
perceived to be a smuggling cutter. This discovery gave me some
satisfaction at first, because I concluded myself safe from the
resentment of Sir Timothy; but, when I found myself in the hands
of ruffians, who threatened to execute me for a spy, I would have
thought myself happily quit for a year's imprisonment, or even
transportation, It was in vain for me to protest my innocence: I
could not persuade them that I had taken a solitary walk to their
haunt, at such an hour, merely for my own amusement; and I did
not think it my interest to disclose the true cause of my retreat,
because I was afraid they would have made their peace with justice
by surrendering me to the penalty of the law. What confirmed their
suspicion was, the appearance of a custom-house yacht, which gave
them chase, and had well nigh made a prize of their vessel; when they
were delivered from their fears by a thick fog, which effectually
screened them, and favoured their arrival at Boulogne.  But, before
they got out of sight of their pursuer, they held a council of
war about me, and some of the most ferocious among them would have
thrown me overboard as a traitor who had betrayed them to their
enemies; but others, more considerate, alleged, that if they put
me to death, and should afterwards be taken, they could expect
no mercy from the legislature, which would never pardon outlawry
aggravated by murder. It was therefore determined by a plurality
of votes, that I should be set on shore in France, and left to
find my way back to England, as I should think proper, this being
punishment sufficient for the bare suspicion of a crime in itself
not capital.

Although this favourable determination gave me great pleasure, the
apprehension of being robbed would not suffer me to be perfectly
at ease. To prevent this calamity, as soon as I was untied, in
consequence of the aforesaid decision, I tore a small hole in one
of my stockings, into which I dropped six guineas, reserving half
a piece and some silver in my pocket, that, finding something, they
might not be tempted to make any further inquiry. This was a very
necessary precaution, for, when we came within sight of the French
shore, one of the smugglers told me, I must pay for my passage.
To this declaration I replied, that my passage was none of my
own seeking; therefore they could not expect a reward from me for
transporting me into a strange country by force. "D-me!" said the
outlaw, "none of your palaver; but let me see what money you have
got." Ss saying, he thrust his hand into my pocket without any
ceremony, and emptied it of the contents; then, casting an eye
at my hat and wig, which captivated his fancy, he took them off,
clapping his own on my head, declared, that a fair exchange was no
robbery. I was fain to put up with this bargain, which was by no
means favourable to me; and a little while after we went all on
shore together.

I resolved to take my leave of those desperadoes without much
ceremony, when one of them cautioned me against appearing to their
prejudice if ever I returned to England, unless I had a mind to be
murdered; for which service, he assured me, the gang never wanted
agents. I promised to observe his advice, and departed for the
Upper Town, where I inquired for a cabaret, or public-house, into
which I went, with an intention of taking some refreshment. In the
kitchen, five Dutch sailors sat at breakfast with a large loaf, a
firkin of butter, and a keg of brandy, the bung of which they often
applied to their mouths with great perseverance and satisfaction.
At some distance from them I perceived another person in the same
garb, sitting in a pensive solitary manner, entertaining himself
with a whiff of tobacco, from the stump of a pipe as black as jet.
The appearance of distress never failed to attract my regard and
compassion. I approached this forlorn tar with a view to offer him
my assistance, and, notwithstanding the alteration of dress and
disguise of a long beard, I discovered in him my long lost and
lamented uncle and benefactor, Lieutenant Bowling! Good Heaven!
what were the agitations of my soul, between the joy of finding
again such a valuable friend, and the sorrow of seeing him in such
a low condition! The tears gushed down my cheeks; I stood motionless
and silent for some time. At length, recovering the use of speech,
I exclaimed, "Gracious God! Mr. Bowling!" My uncle no sooner heard
his name mentioned, than he started up, crying, with some surprise,
"Holla!" and, after having looked at me steadfastly, without being
able to recollect me, said, "Did you call me, brother," I told
him I had something extraordinary to communicate, and desired him
to give me the hearing for a few minutes in another room; but he
would by no means consent to this proposal, saying, "Avast there,
friend: none of your tricks upon travellers;--if you have anything
to say to me, do it above board;--you need not be afraid of being
overheard;--here are none who understand our lingo." Though I was loth
to discover myself before company, I could no longer refrain from
telling him I was his own nephew, Roderick Random. On this information,
he considered me with great earnestness and astonishment, and,
recalling my features, which, though enlarged, were not entirely
altered since he had seen me, came up, and shook me by the hand very
cordially, protesting he was glad to see me well. After some pause,
he went on thus; "And yet, my lad, I am sorry to see you under
such colours; the more so, as it is not in my power, at present, to
change them for the better, times being very hard with me," With
these words I could perceive a tear trickle down his furrowed cheek,
which affected me so munch that I wept bitterly.

Imagining my sorrow was the effect of my own misfortunes, he comforted
me with observing, that life was a voyage in which we must expect
to meet with all weathers; sometimes was calm, sometimes rough; that
a fair gale often succeeded a storm; that the wind did not always
sit one way, and that despair signified nothing; that resolution
and skill were better than a stout vessel: for why?  because
they require no carpenter, and grow stronger the more labour they
undergo. I dried up my tears, which I assured him were not shed
for my own distress, but for his, and begged leave to accompany
him into another room, where we could converse more at our ease.
There I recounted to him the ungenerous usage I had met with from
Potion; at which relation he started up, stalked across the room
three or four times in a great hurry, and, grasping his cudgel,
cried, "I would I were alongside of him--that's all--I would I
were alongside of him!" I then gave him a detail of my adventures
and sufferings, which affected him more than I could have imagined;
and concluded with telling him that Captain Oakun was still alive,
and that he might return to England when he would to solicit his
affairs, without danger or molestation. He was wonderfully pleased
with this piece of information, of which, however, he said he
could not at present avail himself, for want of money to pay for
his passage to London.  This objection I soon removed, by putting
five guineas into his hand, and telling him I thought myself extremely
happy in having an opportunity of manifesting my gratitude to him
in his necessity. But it was with the utmost difficulty I could
prevail upon him to accept of two, which he affirmed were more than
sufficient to defray the necessary expense.

After this friendly contest was over, he proposed we should have
a mess of something; "For," said he, "it has been banyan day with
me a great while. You must know I was shipwrecked, five days ago,
near a place called Lisieux, in company with those Dutchmen who
are now drinking below; and having but little money when I came
ashore, it was soon spent, because I let them have share and share
while it lasted. Howsomever, I should have remembered the old saying,
every hog his own apple; for when they found my hold unstowed,
they went all hands to shooling and begging; and, because I would
not take a spell at the same duty, refused to give me the least
assistance; so that I have not broke bread these two days." I was
shocked at the extremity of his distress, and ordered some bread,
cheese, and wine, to be brought immediately, to allay his hunger,
until a fricassee of chickens could be prepared. When he had
recruited his spirits with this homely fare, I desired to know
the particulars of his peregrination since the accident at Cape
Tiberoon, which were briefly these: The money he had about him being
all spent at Port Louis, the civility and hospitality of the French
cooled to such a degree, that he was obliged to list on board one
of their king's ships as a common foremast man, to prevent himself
from starving on shore. In this situation he continued two years,
during which time he had acquired some knowledge of their language,
and the reputation of a good seaman; the ship he belonged to was
ordered home to France, where she was laid up as unfit for service,
and he was received on board one of Monsieur D'Antin's squadron,
in quality of quartermaster; which office he performed in a voyage
to the West Indies, where he engaged with our ship, as before related;
but his conscience upbraiding him for serving the one enemies of
his country, he quitted the ship at the same place where he first
listed, and got to Curacoa in a Dutch vessel; there he bargained
with a skipper, bound to Europe, to work for his passage to Holland,
from whence he was in hopes of hearing from his friends in England;
but was cast away, as he mentioned before, on the French coast,
and must have been reduced to the necessity of travelling on foot
to Holland, and begging for his subsistence on the road, or of
entering on board of another French man-of-war, at the hazard of
being treated as a deserter, if Providence had not sent me to his
succour.  "And now, my lad," continued he, "I think I shall steer
my course directly to London, where I do not doubt of being replaced,
and of having the R taken off me by the Lords of the Admiralty,
to whom I intend to write a petition, setting forth my case; if
I succeed, I shall have wherewithal to give you some assistance,
because, when I left the ship, I had two years' pay due to me,
therefore I desire to know whither you are bound: and besides,
perhaps, I may have interest enough to procure a warrant appointing
you surgeon's mate of the ship to which I shall belong--for the
beadle of the Admiralty is my good friend: and he and one of the
under clerks are sworn brothers, and that under clerk has a good
deal to say with one of the upper clerks, who is very well known
to the under secretary, who, upon his recommendation, I hope, will
recommend my affair to the first secretary; and he again will speak
to one of the lords in my behalf; so that you see I do not want
friends to assist me on occasion. As for the fellow Craampley, thof
I know him not, I am sure he is neither seaman nor officer, by what
you have told me, or else he could never be so much mistaken in
his reckoning, as to run the ship on shore on the coast of Sussex
before he believed himself in soundings; neither, when that accident
happened, would he have left the ship until she had been stove to
pieces, especially when the tide was making; wherefore, by this time,
I do suppose, he has been tried by a court-martial, and executed
for his cowardice and misconduct."

I could not help smiling at the description of my uncle's ladder,
by which he proposed to climb to the attention of the board
of admiralty; and, though I knew the world too well to confide in
such dependence myself, I would not discourage him with doubts,
but asked if he had no friend in London, who would advance a small
sum of money to enable him to appear as he ought, and make a small
present to the under secretary, who might possibly dispatch his
business the sooner on that account. He scratched his head, and after
some recollection, replied, "Why, yes, I believe Daniel Whipcord,
the ship-chandler in Wapping, would not refuse me such a small
matter. I know I can have what credit I want for lodging, liquor,
and clothes; but as to money, I won't be positive. Had honest Block
been living, I should not have been at loss." I was heartily sorry
to find a worthy man so destitute of friends, when he had such need
of them, and looked upon my own situation as less miserable than
his, because I was better acquainted with the selfishness and roguery
of mankind, consequently less liable to disappointment and imposition.





CHAPTER XLII




He takes his passage in a cutter for Deal--we are accosted by a
Priest, who proves to be a Scotchman--his profession on friendship--he
is affronted by the Lieutenant, who afterwards appeases him
by submission--my uncle embarks--I am introduced by a Priest to a
Capuchin, in whose company I set out for Paris--the character of
my fellow traveller--on adventure on the road--I am shocked at his
behaviour


When our repast was ended, we walked down to the harbour, where we
found a cutter that was to sail for Deal in the evening, and Mr.
Bowling agreed for his passage. In the meantime, we sauntered about
the town to satisfy our curiosity, our conversation turning on the
subject of my designs, which were not as yet fixed: neither can it
be supposed that my mind was at case, when I found myself reduced
almost to extreme poverty, in the midst of foreigners, among whom
I had not one acquaintance to advise or befriend me. My uncle was
sensible of my forlorn condition, and pressed me to accompany him
to England, where he did not doubt of finding some sort of provision
for me; but besides the other reasons I had for avoiding that
kingdom, I looked upon it, at this time, as the worst country in the
universe for a poor honest man to live in; and therefore determined
to remain in France, at all events.

I was confirmed in this resolution by a reverend priest, who, passing
by at this time, and overhearing us speak English, accosted us in
the same language, telling us he was our countryman, and wishing it
might be in his power to do us any service. We thanked this grave
person for his courteous offer, and invited him to drink a glass
with us, which he did not think proper to refuse, and we went
altogether into a tavern of his recommending. After having drunk
to our healths in a bumper of good Burgundy, he began to inquire
into our situation, particularly the place of our nativity, which
we no sooner named than he started up, and, wringing our hands with
great fervour, shed a flood of tears, crying, "I come from the same
part of the country! perhaps you are my own relations." I was on
my guard against his caresses, which I suspected very much, when
I remembered the adventure of the money-dropper; but, without any
appearance of diffidence, observed, that, as he was born in that
part of the country, he must certainly know our families, which
(howsoever mean our present appearance might be) were none of
the most obscure or inconsiderable. Then I discovered our names,
to which I found he was no stranger; he had known my grandfather
personally; and, notwithstanding an absence of fifty years from
Scotland, recounted so many particulars of the families in the
neighbourhood, that my scruples were entirely removed, and I thought
myself happy in his acquaintance. In the course of our conversation,
I disclosed my condition without reserve, and displayed my talents
to such advantage, that the old father looked upon me with admiration,
and assured me, that, if I stayed in France, and listened to reason,
I could not fail of making my fortune, to which he would contribute
all in his power.

My uncle began to be jealous of the Priest's insinuation, and very
abruptly declared, that if ever I should renounce my religion, he
would break off all connection and correspondence with me; for it
was his opinion, that no honest man would swerve from his principles
in which he was bred, whether Turkish, Protestant, or Roman. The
father, affronted at this declaration, with great vehemence began
a long discourse, setting forth the danger of obstinacy, and shutting
one's eyes against the light. He said, that ignorance would be
no plea towards justification, when we had opportunities of being
better informed; and, that, if the minds of people had not been
open to conviction, the Christian religion could not have been
propagated in the world, and we should now be in a state of Pagan
darkness and barbarity: he endeavoured to prove, by some texts of
Scripture and many quotations from the Fathers, that the Pope was
the successor of St. Peter, and vicar of Jesus Christ; that the
church of Rome was the true, holy, catholic church; and that the
Protestant faith was an impious heresy and damnable schism, by
which many millions of souls would suffer everlasting perdition.
When he had finished his sermon, which I thought he pronounced
with more zeal than discretion, he addressed himself to my uncle,
desired to know his objections to what had been said. The lieutenant,
whose attention had been wholly engrossed by his own affairs, took
the pipe out of his mouth, and replied, "As for me, friend, d'ye
see, I have no objection to what you say; it may be either truth
or false, for what I know; I meddle with nobody's affairs but my
own; the gunner to his linstock, and the steersman to the helm, as
the saying is. I trust to no creed but the compass, and do unto
every man as I would be done by; so that I defy the Pope, the
Devil, and the Pretender; and hope to be saved as well as another."
This association of persons gave great offence to the friar, who
protested, in a mighty passion, that if Mr. Bowling had not been
his countryman, he would have caused him to be imprisoned for his
insolence; I ventured to disapprove of my uncle's rashness, and
appeased the old gentleman, by assuring him there was no offence
intended by my kinsman, who, by this time sensible of his error,
shook the injured party by the hand, and asked pardon for the freedom
he had taken. Matters being amicably compromised, he invited us to
come and see him in the afternoon at the convent to which he belonged,
and took his leave for the present; when my uncle recommended
it strongly to me to persevere in the religion of my forefathers,
whatever advantages might propose to myself by a change, which
could not fail of disgracing myself, and dishonouring my family.
I assured him no consideration would induce me to forfeit his
friendship and good opinion on that score; at which assurance he
discovered great satisfaction, and put me in mind of dinner, which
we immediately bespoke, and when it was ready, ate together.

I imagined my acquaintance with the Scottish priest if properly
managed, might turn out to my advantage, and therefore resolved to
cultivate it as much as I could. With this view we visited him at
his convent, according to his invitation, where he treated us with
wine and sweetmeats, and showed us everything that was remarkable
in the monastery. Having been thus entertained, we took our leave,
though not before I had promised to see him next day, and the time
fixed for my uncle's embarking being come, I accompanied him to the
harbour, and saw him on board. We parted not without tears, after
we had embraced and wished one another all manner of prosperity:
and he entreated me to write to him often, directing to Lieutenant
Bowling, at the sign of the Union Flag, near the Hermitage, London.

I returned to the house in which we had met, where I passed the
night in a very solitary manner, reflecting on the severity of my
fate, and endeavouring to project some likely scheme of life for the
future; but my invention failed me; I saw nothing but insurmountable
difficulties in my way, and was ready to despair at the miserable
prospect! That I might not, however, neglect any probable reason,
I got up in the morning, and went directly to the father, whose
advice and assistance I implored. He received me very kindly, and
gave me to understand, that there was one way of life in which
a person of my talents could not fail of making a great figure.
I guessed his meaning, and told him, once for all, I was fully
determined against any alteration in point of religion; therefore
if his proposal regarded the church, he might save himself the
trouble of explaining it. He shook his head and sighed, saying,
"Ah! son, son, what a glorious prospect is here spoiled by your
stubborn prejudice! Suffer yourself to be persuaded by reason, and
consult your temporal welfare, as well as the concerns of your eternal
soul. I can, by my interest procure your admission as a noviciate
to this convent, where I will superintend and direct you with a
truly paternal affection." Then he launched out into the praises
of a monastic life, which no noise disturbs, no cares molest, and
no danger invades--where the heart is weaned from carnal attachments,
the grosser appetite subdued and chastised, and the soul wafted
to divine regions of philosophy and truth, on the wing of studious
contemplation. But his eloquence was lost upon me, whom two
considerations enabled to withstand his temptation; namely, my
promise to my uncle, and my aversion to an ecclesiastical life;
for as to the difference of religion, I looked upon it as a thing
of too small moment to come in competition with a man's fortune.
Finding me immovable on this head, he told me, he was more sorry
than offended at my noncompliance, and still ready to employ his
good offices in my behalf. "The same erroneous maxims," said he, "
that obstruct your promotion in the church, will infallibly prevent
your advancement in the army; but, if you can brook the condition
of a servant, I am acquainted with some people of rank at Versailles,
to whom I can give you letters of recommendation, that you may be
entertained by some one of them in quality of maitre d'hotel; and
I do not doubt that your qualifications will soon entitle you to a
better provision." I embraced his offer with great eagerness, and
he appointed me to come back in the afternoon, when he would not
only give me letters, but likewise introduce me to a capuchin of
his acquaintance, who intended to set out for Paris next morning
in whose company I might travel, without being at the expense of
one livre during the whole journey. This piece of good news gave me
infinite pleasure; I acknowledged my obligation to the benevolent
father in the most grateful expressions; and he performed his promise
to a tittle, in delivering the letters, and making me acquainted
with the capuchin, with whom I departed next morning by break of
day.

It was not long before I discovered my fellow traveller to be
a merry facetious fellow, who, notwithstanding his profession and
appearance of mortification, loved good eating and drinking better
than his rosary, and paid more adoration to a pretty girl than to
the Virgin Mary, or St. Genevieve. He was a thick brawny young man,
with red eyebrows, a hook nose, a face covered with freckles; and
his name was Frere Balthazar. His order did not permit him to wear
linen, so that, having little occasion to undress himself, he was
none of the cleanliest animals in the world; and his constitution
was naturally so strongly scented that I always thought it convenient
to keep to the windward of him in our march. As he was perfectly
well known on the road, we fared sumptuously without any cost, and
the fatigue of our journey was much alleviated by the good humour
of my companion, who sang an infinite number of catches on the
subjects of love and wine. We took up our lodging the first night
at a peasant's house not far from Abbeville, where we were entertained
with an excellent ragout, cooked by our landlord's daughters, one
of whom was very handsome. After having eaten heartily and drank
a sufficient quantity of small wine, we were conducted to a barn,
where we found a couple of carpets spread upon clean straw for our
reception. We had not lain in this situation above half-an-hour, when
we heard somebody knock softly at the door, upon which Balthazar
got up, and let in our host's two daughters, who wanted to have
some private conversation with him in the dark.  When they had
whispered together some time, the capuchin came to me, and asked if
I was insensible to love, and so hard-hearted as to refuse a share
of my bed to a pretty maid who had a tendre for me? I must own to
my shame, that I suffered myself to be overcome by my passion, and
with great eagerness seized the occasion, when I understood that
the amiable Nanette was to be my bedfellow. In vain did my reason
suggest the respect that I owed to my dear mistress Narcissa;
the idea of that lovely charmer rather increased than allayed the
ferment of my spirits; and the young paysanne had no reason to
complain of my remembrance. Early in the morning, the kind creatures
left us to our repose, which lasted till eight o'clock when we got
up, and were treated at breakfast with chocolate and l'eau-de-vie
by our paramours, of whom we took a tender leave, after my companion
had confessed and given them absolution.

While we proceeded on our journey, the conversation turned upon the
night's adventure, being introduced by the capuchin, who asked me
how I liked my lodging; I declared my satisfaction, and talked in
rapture of the agreeable Nanette, at which he shook his head, and
smiling said, she was a morceau pour la bonne bouche. "I never
valued myself," continued he, "upon anything so much as the conquest
of Nanette; and, vanity apart, I have been pretty fortunate in my
amours." This information shocked me not a little, as I was well
convinced of his intimacy with her sister; and though I did not
care to tax him with downright incest, I professed my astonishment
at his last night's choice, when, I supposed, the other was at
his devotion. To this hint he answered that, besides his natural
complaisance to the sex, he had another reason to distribute his
favours equally between them, namely, to preserve peace in the
family, which could not otherwise be maintained; that, moreover,
Nanette had conceived an affection for me, and he loved her too well
to balk her inclination; more especially, when he had an opportunity
of obliging his friend at the same time. I thanked him for this
instance of his friendship, though I was extremely disgusted at
his want of delicacy, and cursed the occasion that threw me in his
way.  Libertine as I was, I could not bear to see a man behave so
wide of the character he assumed. I looked upon him as a person
of very little worth or honesty, and should even have kept a wary
eye upon my pocket, if I had thought he could have had any temptation
to steal. But I could not conceive the use of money to a capuchin,
who is obliged, by the rules of his order, to appear like a beggar,
and enjoy all other necessaries of life gratis; besides, my fellow
traveller seemed to be of a complexion too careless and sanguine
to give me any apprehension on that score; so that I proceeded with
great confidence, in expectation of being soon at my journey's end.





CHAPTER XLIII




We lodge at a House near Amiens, where I am robbed by the Capuchin,
who escapes while I am asleep--I go to Noyons in search of him,
but without Success--make my Condition known to several People, but
find no Relief--grow desperate--find a Company of Soldiers--Enlist
in the Regiment of Picardy--we are ordered into Germany--I find the
Fatigues of the March almost intolerable--Quarrel with my Comrade
in a dispute about Politics--he challenges me to the Field--wounds
and disarms me


The third night of our pilgrimage we passed at a house near Amiens,
where being unknown, we supped upon indifferent fare and sour wine,
and were fain to be in a garret upon an old mattress, which, I
believe had been in the possession of ten thousand myriads of fleas
time out of mind. We did not invade their territory with impunity;
in less than a minute we were attacked by stings innumerable,
in spite of which, however, I fell fast asleep, being excessively
fatigued with our day's march, and did not wake till nine next
morning, when, seeing myself alone, I started up in a terrible
fright, and, examining my pockets, found my presaging fear too
true!  My companion had made free with my cash, and left me to seek
my way to Paris by myself! I ran down stairs immediately; and, with
a look full of grief and amazement, inquired for the mendicant,
who, they gave me to understand, had set out four hours before,
after having told them I was a little indisposed, and desired I
might not be disturbed, but be informed when I should wake, that
he had taken the road to Noyons, where he would wait for my coming,
at the Coq d'Or.  I spoke not a word, but with a heavy heart directed
my course to that place, at which I arrived in the afternoon, fainting
with weariness and hunger; but learned to my utter confusion, that
no such person had been there! It was happy for me that I had a
good deal of resentment in my constitution, which animated me on
such occasions against the villainy of mankind, and enabled me to
bear misfortunes, otherwise intolerable. Boiling with indignation,
I discovered to the host my deplorable condition, and inveighed
with great bitterness against the treachery of Balthazar; at which
he shrugged up his shoulders, and with a peculiar grimace on his
countenance, said, he was sorry for my misfortune, but there was
no remedy like patience. At that instant some guests arrived, to
whom he hastened to offer his service, leaving me mortified at his
indifference, and fully persuaded that an innkeeper is the same
sordid animal all the world over.

While I stood in the porch forlorn and undetermined, venting
ejaculations of curses against the thief who had robbed me, and the
old priest who recommended him to my friendship, a young gentleman
richly dressed, attended by a valet de chambre and two servants in
livery, arrived at the inn. I thought I perceived a great deal of
sweetness and good-nature in his countenance; therefore. he had no
sooner alighted than I accosted him, and, in a few words, explained
my situation: he listened with great politeness, and, when I made
an end of my story, said, "Well, monsieur, what would you have me
to do?" I was effectually abashed at this interrogation, which, I
believe, no man of common sense or generosity could make, and made
no other compliment than a low bow: he returned the compliment
still lower, and tripped into an apartment, while the landlord let
me know that my standing there to interrupt company gave offence,
and might do him infinite prejudice. He had no occasion to repeat
his insinuation; I moved from the place immediately, and was so
much transported with grief, anger, and disdain, that a torrent of
blood gushed from my nostrils. In this ecstacy, I quitted Noyons,
and betook myself to the fields, where I wandered about like one
distracted, till my spirits were quite exhausted, and I was obliged
to throw myself down at the root of a tree, to rest my wearied limbs.
Here my rage forsook me: I began to feel the importunate cravings
of nature, and relapsed into silent sorrow and melancholy reflection.
I revolved all the crimes I had been guilty of and found them too
few and venial, that I could not comprehend the justice of that
Providence, which, after having exposed me to so much wretchedness
and danger, left me a prey to famine at last in a foreign country,
where I had not one friend or acquaintance to close my eyes, and
do the last offices of humanity to my miserable carcass. A thousand
times I wished myself a bear, that I might retreat to woods and
deserts, far from the inhospitable haunts of man, where I could
live by my own talents, independent of treacherous friends and
supercilious scorn.

As I lay in this manner, groaning over my hapless fate, I heard the
sound of a violin, and raising my head, perceived a company of men
and women dancing on the grass at some distance from me. I looked
upon this to be a favourable season for distress to attract
compassion, when every selfish thought is banished, and the heart
dilated with mirth and social joy; wherefore I got up, and approached
those happy people, whom I soon discovered to be a party of soldiers,
with their wives and children, unbending and diverting themselves
at this rate, after the fatigue of a march. I had never before seen
such a parcel of scarecrows together, neither could I reconcile
their meagre and gaunt looks, their squalid and ragged attire, and
every other external symptom of extreme woe, with this appearance
of festivity. I saluted them, however, and was received with great
politeness; after which they formed a ring, and danced around me.
This jollity had a wonderful effect upon my spirits. I was infected
with their gaiety, and in spite of my dismal situation, forgot
my cares, and joined in their extravagance. When we had recreated
ourselves a good while at this diversion, the ladies spread their
manteaus on the ground, upon which they emptied their knapsacks
of some onions, coarse bread, and a few flasks of poor wine: being
invited to a share of the banquet, I sat down with the rest, and,
in the whole course of my life, never made a more comfortable meal.
When our repast was ended, we got up again to dance, and, now that
I found myself refreshed I behaved to the admiration of everybody;
I was loaded with a thousand compliments and professions of
friendship: the men commended my person and agility, and the women
were loud in the praise of my bonne grace; the sergeant in particular
expressed so much regard for me, and described the pleasures of
a soldier's life to me with so much art, that I began to listen to
his proposal of enlisting me in the service; and the more I considered
my own condition, the more I was convinced of the necessity I was
under to come to a speedy determination.

Having, therefore, maturely weighed the circumstances pro and con
I signified my consent, and was admitted into the regiment of Picardy,
said to be the oldest corps in Europe. The company to which this
commander belonged was quartered at a village not far off, whither
we marched next day, and I was presented to my captain, who seemed
very well pleased with my appearance, gave me a crown to drink, and
ordered me to be accommodated with clothes, arms, and accoutrements.
Then I sold my livery suit, purchased linen, and, as I was at great
pains to learn the exercise, in a very short time became a complete
soldier.

It was not long before we received orders to join several more
regiments, and march with all expedition into Germany, in order
to reinforce Mareschal Duc de Noailles, who was then encamped with
his army on the side of the river Mayne, to watch the motions of
the English, Hanoverians, Austrians, and Hessians, under the command
of the Earl of Stair. We began our march accordingly, and then I
became acquainted with that part of a soldier's life to which I had
been hitherto a stranger. It is impossible to describe the hunger
and thirst I sustained, and the fatigue I underwent in a march of
so many hundred miles; during which, I was so much chafed with the
heat and motion of my limbs, that in a very short time the inside
of my thighs and legs were deprived of skin, and I proceeded in
the utmost torture. This misfortune I owed to the plumpness of my
constitution, which I cursed, and envied the withered condition of
my comrades, whose bodies could not spare juice enough to supply a
common issue, and were indeed proof against all manner of friction.
The continual pain I felt made me fretful, and my peevishness was
increased by the mortification of my pride in seeing those miserable
wretches, whom a hard gale of wind would have scattered through
the air like chaff, bear those toils with alacrity under which I
was ready to sink.

One day, while we enjoyed a halt, and the soldiers with their wives
had gone out to dance, according to custom, my comrade stayed at
home with me on pretence of friendship, and insulted me with his
pity and consolation! He told me that, though I was young and tender
at present, I should soon be seasoned to the service; and he did
not doubt but I should have the honour to contribute in some measure
to the glory of the king. "Have courage, therefore, my child," said
he, "and pray to the good God, that you may be as happy as I am,
who have had the honour of serving Louis the Great, and of receiving
many wounds, in helping to establish his glory." When I looked upon
the contemptible object that pronounced these words, I was amazed
at the infatuation that possessed him; and could not help expressing
my astonishment at the absurdity of a rational who thinks himself
highly honoured, in being permitted to encounter abject poverty,
oppression, famine, disease, mutilation, and evident death merely
to gratify the vicious ambition of a prince, by whom his sufferings
were disregarded, and his name utterly unknown. I observed that,
if his situation were the consequence of compulsion, I would praise
his patience and fortitude in bearing his lot: if he had taken up
arms in defence of his injured country, he was to be applauded for
his patriotism: or if he had fled to this way of life as a refuge
from a greater evil, he was justifiable in his own conscience (though
I could have no notion of misery more extreme than he suffered);
but to put his condition on the footing of conducing to the glory
of his prince, was no more than professing himself a desperate
slave, who voluntarily underwent the utmost wretchedness and peril,
and committed the most flagrant crimes, to soothe the barbarous
pride of a fellow-creature, his superior in nothing but the power
he derived from the submission of such wretches as him. The soldier
was very much affronted at the liberty I took with his king, which,
he said, nothing but my ignorance could excuse: he affirmed that
the characters of princes were sacred, and ought not to be profaned
by the censure of their subjects, who were bound by their allegiance
to obey their commands, of what nature soever, without scruple or
repining; and advised me to correct the rebellious principles I
had imbibed among the English, who, for their insolence to their
kings, were notorious all over the world, even to a proverb.

In vindication of my countrymen, I repeated all the arguments commonly
used to prove that every man has a natural right to liberty; that
allegiance and protection are reciprocal; that, when the mutual
tie is broken by the tyranny of the king, he is accountable to the
people for his breach of contract, and subject to the penalties of
the law; and that those insurrections of the English, which are
branded with the name of rebellion by the slaves of arbitrary power,
were no other than glorious efforts to rescue that independence
which was their birthright, from the ravenous claws of usurping
ambition. The Frenchman, provoked at the little deference I
paid to the kingly name, lost all patience, and reproached me in
such a manner that my temper forsook me, I clenched my fist, with
an intention to give him a hearty box on the ear.  Perceiving my
design, he started back and demanded a parley; upon which I checked
my indignation, and he gave me to understand that a Frenchman never
forgave a blow; therefore, if I were not weary of my life, I would
do well to spare him that mortification, and do him the honour of
measuring his sword with mine, like a gentleman. I took his advice
and followed him to a field hard by, where indeed I was ashamed at
the pitiful figure of my antagonist, who was a poor little shivering
creature, decrepit with age, and blind of one eye.  But I soon
found the folly of judging from appearances; being at the second
pass wounded in the sword hand, and immediately disarmed with such
a jerk, that I thought the joint was dislocated. I was no less
confounded than enraged at this event, especially as my adversary
did not bear his success with all the moderation that might have
been expected; for he insisted upon my asking pardon for affronting
his king and him. This proposal I would by no means comply with,
but told him, it was a mean condescension, which no gentleman in
his circumstances ought to propose, nor any in my situation ought
to perform; and that, if he persisted in his ungenerous demand, I
would in my turn claim satisfaction with my musket, when we should
be more upon a par than with the sword, of which he seemed so much
master.





CHAPTER XLIV




In order to be revenged, I learn the Science of Defence--we join
Mareschal Duc de Noailles, are engaged with the Allies of Dettingen,
and put to flight--the behaviour of the French soldiers on that
occasion--I industriously seek another combat with the old Gascon,
and vanquish him in my turn--our regiment is put into Winter Quarters at
Rheims, where I find my friend Strap--our Recognition--he supplies
me with Money, and procures my Discharge--we take a trip to Paris;
from whence, by the way of Flanders, we set out for London; where
we safely arrive


He was disconcerted at this declaration, to which he made no reply,
but repaired to the dancers, among whom he recounted his victory
with many exaggerations and gasconades; while I, taking up my sword,
went to my quarters, and examined my wound, which I found was of
no consequence. The same day an Irish drummer, having heard of my
misfortune, visited me, and after having condoled me on the chance
of war, gave me to understand, that he was master of the sword,
and would in a very short time instruct me so thoroughly in that
noble science, that I should be able to chastise the old Gascon
for his insolent boasting at my expense. This friendly office he
proffered on pretence of the regard he had for his countrymen; but
I afterwards learned the true motive was no other than a jealousy
he entertained of a correspondence between the Frenchman and his
wife, which he did not think proper to resent in person. Be this as
it will, I accepted his offer and practised his lessons with such
application, that I soon believed myself a match for my conqueror.
In the meantime we continued our march, and arrived at the Camp
of Mareschal Noailles the night before the battle at Dettingen:
notwithstanding the fatigue we had undergone, our regiment was one
of those that were ordered next day to cross the river, under the
command of the Duc de Grammont, to take possession of a narrow
defile, through which the allies must of necessity have passed at a
great disadvantage, or remain where they were, and perish for want
of provision, if they would not condescend to surrender at discretion.
How they suffered themselves to be pent up in this manner it is
not my province to relate; I shall only observe that, when we had
taken possession of our ground, I heard an old officer in conversation
with another express a surprise at the conduct of Lord Stair, who
had the reputation of a good general. But it seems, at this time,
that nobleman was overruled, and only acted in an inferior character;
so that no part of the blame could be imputed to him, who declared
his disapprobation of the step, in consequence of which the whole
army was in the utmost danger; but Providence or destiny acted
miracles in their behalf, by disposing the Duc de Grammont to quit
his advantageous post, pass the defile, and attack the English, who
were drawn up in order of battle on the plain, and who handled us
so roughly that, after having lost a great number of men, we turned
our backs without ceremony, and fled with such precipitation that
many hundreds perished in the river through pure fear and confusion:
for the enemy were so generous that they did not pursue us one inch
of ground; and, if our consternation would have permitted, we might
have retreated with great order and deliberation. But, notwithstanding
the royal clemency of the king of Great Britain, who headed the
allies in person, and, no doubt, put a stop to the carnage, our
loss amounted to five thousand men, among whom were many officers
of distinction. Our miscarriage opened a passage for the foe to
Haynau, whither they immediately marched, leaving their sick and
wounded to the care of the French, who next day took possession of
the field of battle, buried the dead, and treated the living with
humanity.

This circumstance was a great consolation to us, who thence took
occasion to claim the victory; and the genius of the French nation
never appeared more conspicuous than now, in the rhodomontades they
uttered on the subject of their generosity and courage. Every man
(by his own account) performed feats that eclipsed all the heroes
of antiquity. One compared himself to a lion retiring at leisure
from his cowardly pursuers, who keep at a wary distance, and gall him
with their darts. Another likened himself to a bear that retreats
with his face to the enemy, who dare not assail him; and the third
assumed the character of a desperate stag, that turns upon the hounds
and keeps them at bay. There was not a private soldier engaged who
had not by the prowess of his single arm demolished a whole platoon,
or put a squadron of horse to flight; and, among others, the meagre
Gascon extolled his exploits above those of Hercules or Charlemagne.
As I still retained my resentment for the disgrace I suffered
in my last rencontre with him, and, now that I the thought myself
qualified, longed for an opportunity to retrieve my honour, I
magnified the valour of the English with all the hyperboles I could
imagine, and described the pusillanimity of the French in the same
style, comparing them to hares flying before greyhounds, or mice
pursued by cats; and passed an ironical compliment on the speed he
exerted in his flight, which, considering his age and infirmities
I said was surprising. He was stung to the quick by this sarcasm,
and, with an air of threatening disdain, bade me know myself better,
and remember the correction I had already received from him for
my insolence; for he might not always be in the humour of sparing
a wretch who abused his goodness. To this inuendo I made no reply
but by a kick on the breech, which overturned him in an instant. He
started up with wonderful agility, and, drawing his sword, attacked
me with great fury. Several people interposed, but, when he informed
them of its being an affair of honour, they retired, and left us to
decide the battle by ourselves.  I sustained his onset with little
damage, having only received a small scratch on my right shoulder,
and, seeing his breath and vigour almost exhausted, assaulted him
in my turn, closed with him, and wrested his sword out of his hand
in the struggle. Having thus acquired the victory, I desired him
to beg his life; to which demand he made no answer, but shrugged
up his shoulders to his ears, expanded his hands, elevated the
skin on his forehead and eyebrows, and depressed the corners of his
mouth in such a manner, that I could scarce refrain from laughing
aloud at his grotesque appearance. That I might, however, mortify
his vanity, which triumphed without bounds over my misfortune, I
thrust his sword up to the hilt in something (it was not a tansy),
that lay smoking on the plain, and joined the rest of the soldiers
with an air of tranquillity and indifference.

There was nothing more of moment attempted by either of the armies
during the remaining part of the campaign, which being ended,
the English marched back to the Netherlands; part of our army was
detached to French Flanders, and our regiment ordered into winter
quarters in Champagne. It was the fate of the grenadier company,
to which I now belonged, to lie at Rheims, where I found myself
in the utmost want of everything, my pay, which amounted to five
sols a day, far from supplying me with necessaries, being scarce
sufficient to procure a wretched subsistence to keep soul and body
together; so that I was, by hunger and hard duty, brought down to
the meagre condition of my fellow-soldiers, and my linen reduced
from three tolerable shirts to two pair of sleeves and necks, the
bodies having been long ago converted into spatterdaches; and after
all, I was better provided than any private man in the regiment.
In this urgency of my affairs, I wrote to my uncle in England,
though my hopes from that quarter were not at all sanguine, for the
reasons I have already explained; and in the meantime had recourse
to my old remedy patience, consoling myself with the flattering
suggestions of a lively imagination, that never abandoned me in my
distress.

One day, while I stood sentinel at the gate of a general officer,
a certain nobleman came to the door, followed by a gentleman in
mourning, to whom, at parting, I heard him say, "You may depend upon
my good offices." This assurance was answered by a low bow of the
person in black, who, turning to go away, discovered to me the
individual countenance of my old friend and adherent Strap. I was
so much astonished at the sight, that I lost the power of utterance,
and, before I could recollect myself, he was gone without taking any
notice of me. Indeed, had he stayed, I scarcely should have ventured
to accost him; because, though I was perfectly well acquainted with
the features of his face, I could not be positively certain as to
the rest of his person, which was very much altered for the better
since he left me at London, neither could I conceive by which means
he was enabled to appear in the sphere of a gentleman, to which,
while I knew him, he had not even the ambition to aspire. But I was
too much concerned in the affair to neglect further information,
and therefore took the first opportunity of asking the porter if
he knew the gentleman to whom the marquis spoke. The Swiss told me
his name was Monsieur d'Estrapes, that he had been valet-de-chambre
to an English gentleman lately deceased, and that he was very much
regarded by the marquis for his fidelity to his master, between
whom and that nobleman a very intimate friendship had subsisted.
Nothing could be more agreeable to me than this piece of intelligence,
which banished all doubt of its being my friend, who had found means
to frenchify his name as well as his behaviour since we parted. As
soon, therefore, as I was relieved, I went to his lodging, according
to a direction given me by the Swiss, and had the good fortune to
find him at home. That I might surprise him the more, I concealed
my name and business, and only desired the servant of the house to
tell Monsieur d'Estrapes that I begged the honour of half-an-hour's
conversation with him. He was confounded and dismayed at this
message, when he understood it was sent by a soldier; though he
was conscious to himself of no crime, all that he had heard of the
Bastille appeared to his imagination with aggravated horror, but
it was not before I had waited a considerable time that he had
resolution enough to bid the servant show me up-stairs.

When I entered his chamber, he returned my bow with great civility,
and endeavoured, with forced complaisance, to disguise his fear,
which appeared in the paleness of his face, the wildness of his looks,
and the shaking of his limbs. I was diverted at his consternation,
which redoubled, when I told him in French, I had business for his
private ear and demanded a particular audience. The valet being
withdrawn, I asked in the same language if his name was d'Estrapes,
to which he answered with a faltering tongue, "The same, at your
service." "Are you a Frenchman?" Said I. "I have not the honour
of being a Frenchman born," replied he, "but I have an infinite
veneration for the country." I then desired he would do me the
honour to look at me, which he no sooner did than, struck with my
appearance, he started back, and cried in English, "O Jesus!--sure
it can't! No 'tis impossible!" I smiled at his interjections,
saying, "I suppose you are too much of a gentleman to own your
friend in adversity." When he heard me pronounce these words in our
own language, he leaped upon me in a transport of joy, hung about
my neck, kissed me from ear to ear, and blubbered like a great
schoolboy who had been whipped. Then, observing my dress, he set
up his throat, crying, "O Lord! O Lord! that ever I should live to
see my dearest friend reduced to the condition of a foot soldier
in the French service! Why did you consent to my leaving you?--but
I know the reason--you thought you had got more creditable friends,
and grew ashamed of my acquaintance. Ah! Lord help us! though I
was a little short-sighted, I was not altogether blind: and though
I did not complain, I was not the less sensible of your unkindness,
which was indeed the only thing that induced me to ramble abroad,
the Lord knows whither; but I must own it has been a lucky ramble
for me, and so I forgive you, and may God forgive you! O Lord! Lord!
is it come to this?" I was nettled at the charge, which, though
just, I could not help thinking unseasonable, and told him with some
tartness that, whether his suspicions were well or ill grounded,
he might have chosen a more convenient opportunity of introducing
them; and that the question now was whether or no he found himself
disposed to lend me any assistance. "Disposed!" replied he with
great emotion; "I thought you had known me so well as to assure
yourself without asking, that I, and all that belongs to me, are at
your command. In the meantime you shall dine with me, and I will
tell you something that, perhaps, will not be displeasing unto
you." Then, wringing my hand, he said, "It makes my heart bleed to
see you in that garb!" I thanked him for his invitation, which, I
observed, could not be unwelcome to a person who had not eaten a
comfortable meal these seven months; but I had another request to
make, which I begged he would grant before dinner, and that was the
loan of a shirt; for although my back had been many weeks a stranger
to any comfort of that kind, my skin was not yet familiarised to
the want of it. He stared in my face, with a woful countenance, at
this declaration, which he could scarce believe, until I explained
it by unbuttoning my coat and disclosing my naked body--a circumstance
which shocked the tender-hearted Strap, who, with tears in his eyes,
ran to a chest of drawers, and taking out some linen, presented to
me a very fine ruffled Holland shirt and cambric neckcloth, assuring
me he had three dozen of the same kind at my service.

I was ravished at this piece of good news and, having accommodated
myself in a moment, hugged my benefactor for his generous offer,
saying, I was overjoyed to find him undebauched by prosperity, which
seldom fails to corrupt the heart. He bespoke for dinner some soup
and bouilli, a couple of pullets roasted, and a dish of asparagus,
and in the interim entertained me with biscuit and Burgundy, after
which repast he entreated me to gratify his longing desire of
knowing every circumstance of my fortune since his departure from
London. This request I complied with, beginning at the adventure
of Gawky, and relating every particular event in which I had been
concerned from that day to the present hour. During the recital, my
friend was strongly affected, according to the various situations
described. He stared with surprise, glowed with indignation, gaped
with curiosity, smiled with pleasure, trembled with fear, and wept
with sorrow, as the vicissitudes of my life inspired these different
passions; and, when my story was ended, signified his amazement on
the whole, by lifting up his eyes and hands and protesting that,
though I was a young man, had suffered more than all the blessed
martyrs.

After dinner, I desired in my turn to know the particulars of his
peregrination, and he satisfied me in a few words, by giving me to
understand that he had lived a year at Paris with his master, who,
in that time having acquired the language, as well as the fashionable
exercises to perfection, made a tour of France and Holland, during
which excursion he was so unfortunate as to meet with three of
his own countrymen on their travels, in whose company he committed
such excesses, that his constitution failed, and he fell into a
consumption; that by the advice of physicians, he went to Montpelier
for the benefit of good air, and recovered so well in six weeks,
that he returned to Rheims seemingly in good health, where he had
not continued above a month, when he was seized with a looseness
that carried him off in ten days, to the unspeakable sorrow of all
who knew him and especially of Strap, who had been very happy in
his service, and given such satisfaction, that his master, on his
death-bed recommended him to several persons of distinction for
his diligence, sobriety, and affection, and left him by will his
wearing apparel, gold watch, sword, rings, ready money, and all the
moveables he had in France, to the value of three hundred pounds
"which I now," said he, "in the sight of God and man, surrender
to your absolute disposal: here are my keys; take them, I beseech
you, and God give you joy of the possession." My brain was almost
turned by this sudden change of fortune, which I could scarce
believe real: however, I positively refused this extravagant proffer
of my friend, and put him in mind of my being a soldier; at which
hint he started, crying, "Odso! that's true! we must procure your
discharge. I have some interest with a nobleman who is able to do
me that favour."

We consulted about this affair, and it was determined that Monsieur
d'Estrapes should wait upon the Marquis in the morning, and tell
him he had by accident found his brother, whom he had not seen for
many years before, a private soldier in the regiment of Picardy,
and implore that nobleman's interest for his discharge. In the
meantime, we enjoyed ourselves over a bottle of good Burgundy, and
spent the evening in concerting schemes for our future conduct, in
case I should be so lucky as to get rid of the army. The business
was to make ourselves easy for life by means of his legacy, a task
very difficult, and, in the usual methods of laying out money,
altogether impracticable, so that, after much canvassing, we could
come to no resolution that night, but when we parted, recommended
the matter to the serious attention of each other. As for my own
part, I puzzled my imagination to no purpose. When I thought of
turning merchant, the smallness of our stock, and the risk of seas,
enemies, and markets, deterred me from that scheme. If I should
settle as a surgeon in my own country, I would find the business
already overstocked; or, if I pretended to set up in England, must
labour under want of friends and powerful opposition, obstacles
insurmountable by the most shining merit: neither should I succeed
in my endeavours to rise in the state, inasmuch as I could neither
flatter nor pimp for courtiers, nor prostitute my pen in defence
of a wicked and contemptible administration. Before I could form
any feasible project, I fell asleep, and my fancy was blest with
the image of the dear Narcissa, who seemed to smile upon my passion,
and offer her hand as a reward for all my toils.

Early in the morning, I went to the lodgings of my friend, whom I
found exulting over his happy invention! for I no sooner entered
his apartment, than he addressed himself to me in these words,
with a smile of self-applause: "Well, Mr. Random, a lucky thought
may come into a fool's head sometimes. I have hit it--I'll hold
you a button my plan is better than yours, for all your learning.
But you shall have the preference in this as in all other things;
therefore proceed, and let us know the effects of your meditation;
and then I will impart my own simple excogitations." I told him,
that not one thought had occurred to me which deserved the least
notice, and signified my impatience to be acquainted with the fruits
of his reflection. "As we have not," said he, "money sufficient to
maintain us during a tedious expectation, it is my opinion that a
bold push must be made; and I see none so likely to succeed as your
appearing in the character of a gentleman (which is your due), and
making your addresses to some lady of fortune, who can render you
independent at once. Nay, don't stare--I affirm that this scheme
is both prudent and honourable; for I would not have you throw
yourself away upon an old toothless wheezing dame, whose breath
would stink you into a consumption in less than three months,
neither would I advise you to assume the character of a wealthy
squire, as your common fortune-hunters do, by which means many a
poor lady is cheated into matrimony, and instead of enjoying the
pomp and grandeur that was promised, sees her dowry seized by her
husband's rapacious creditors, and herself reduced to misery and
despair. No, I know you have a soul that disdains such imposition;
and are master of qualifications, both of mind and body, which
alone entitle you to a match that will set you above the world. I
have clothes in my possession that a duke need not be ashamed to
wear. I believe they will fit you as they are, if not there are
plenty of tailors in France. Let us take a short trip to Paris,
and provide ourselves with all other necessaries, then set out for
England, where I intend to do myself the honour of attending you in
quality of a valet. This expedient will save you the expense of a
servant, shaving, and dressing; and I doubt not but, by the blessing
of God, we shall bring matters to a speedy and fortunate issue."
Extravagant as this proposal was, I listened to it with pleasure,
because it flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous hope I
began to entertain of inspiring Narcissa with a mutual flame.

After breakfast, Monsieur d'Estrapes went to pay his devoirs to the
marquis, and was so successful in his application, that I obtained
a discharge in a few days, upon which we set out for Paris. Here
I had time to reflect and congratulate myself upon this sudden
transition of fate, which to bear with moderation required some
degree of philosophy and self-denial. This truth will be more obvious,
if I give a detail of the particulars, to the quiet possession of
which I was raised in an instant, from the most abject misery and
contempt.  My wardrobe consisted of five fashionable coats full
mounted, two of which were plain, one of cut velvet, one trimmed
with gold, and another with silver lace, two frocks, one of white
drab, with large plate buttons, the other of blue with gold binding;
one waistcoat of gold brocade; one of blue satin, embroidered with
silver; one of green silk, trimmed with figured broad gold lace;
one of black silk, with fringes; one of white satin, one of black
cloth, and one of scarlet; six pair of cloth breeches; one pair
of crimson, and another of black velvet; twelve pair of white silk
stockings, as many of black silk, and the same number of white
cotton; one hat, laced with gold point d'Espagne, another with
silver lace scolloped, a third with gold binding, and a fourth
plain; three dozen of fine ruffled shirts, as many neckcloths; one
dozen of cambric handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk. The
other moveables, which I possessed by the generosity and friendship
of Strap, were a gold watch with a chased case, two valuable diamond
rings, two mourning swords, one with a silver handle, and a fourth
cut steel inlaid with gold, a diamond stock buckle, and a set of
stone buckles for the knees and shoes; a pair of silver-mounted
pistols with rich housings; a gold-headed cane, and a snuff-box of
tortoiseshell, mounted with gold, having the picture of a lady in
the top. The gentleman left many other things of value, which my
friend had converted into cash before I met with him; so that, over
and above these particulars, our stock in ready money amounted to
something more than two hundred pounds.

Thus equipped, I put on the gentleman of figure, and, attended by
my honest friend, who was contented with the station of my valet,
visited the Louvre, examined the gallery of Luxembourg, and appeared
at Versailles, where I had the honour of seeing his Most Christian
Majesty eat a considerable quantity of olives. During the month I
spent at Paris, I went several times to court, the Italian comedy,
opera, and playhouse, danced at a masquerade, and, in short, saw
everything remarkable in and about that capital. Then we set out
for England by the way of Flanders, passed through Brussels, Ghent,
and Bruges, and took shipping at Ostend, from whence, in fourteen
hours, we arrived at Deal, hired a postchaise, and in twelve hours
more got safe to London, having disposed of our heavy baggage in
the waggon.





CHAPTER XLV




I inquire for my Uncle, and understand he is gone to sea--take
Lodgings at Charing Cross--go to the Play, where I meet with an
adventure-Dine at an ordinary--the Guests described--become acquainted
with Medlar and Doctor Wagtail


As soon as we alighted at the inn, I dispatched Strap to inquire
for my uncle at the Union Flag in Wapping; and he returned in a
little time, with an account of Mr. Bowling's having gone to sea,
mate of a merchant ship, after a long and unsuccessful application
attendance at the Admiralty; where, it seems, the interest he
depended upon was not sufficient to reinstate him, or recover the
pay that was due to him when he quitted the Thunder.

Next day I hired very handsome lodgings not far from Charing Cross;
and in the evening dressed myself in a plain suit of the true Paris
cut, and appeared in a front box at the play, where I saw a good
deal of company, and was vain enough to believe that I was observed
with an uncommon degree of attention and applause. This silly conceit
intoxicated me so much, that I was guilty of a thousand ridiculous
coquetries; and I dare say, how favourable soever the thoughts of
the company might be at my first appearance, they were soon changed
by my absurd behaviour into pity or contempt. I rose and sat down,
covered and uncovered my head twenty times between the acts; pulled
out my watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it up, set it, gave it
the hearing again; displayed my snuff-box, affected to take snuff,
that I might have all opportunity of showing my brilliant, and
wiped my nose with perfumed handkerchief; then dangled my cane, and
adjusted my sword-knot, and acted many more fooleries of the same
kind, in hopes of obtaining the character of a pretty fellow, in
the acquiring of which I found two considerable obstructions in
my disposition--namely, a natural reserve and jealous sensibility.
Fain would I have entered into conversation with the people around
me: but I was restrained by the fear of being censured for my
assurance, as well as by reflecting that I was more entitled to a
compliment of this kind from them, than they to such condescension
from a stranger like me. How often did I redden at the frequent
whispers and loud laughter of my fellow beaux, which I imagined were
excited by me; and how often did I envy the happy indifference of
those choice spirits, who behold the distress of the scene without
discovering the least symptom of approbation or concern. My attention
was engaged in spite of myself, and I could not help weeping with
the heroine of the stage, though I practised a great many shifs to
conceal this piece of unpolite weakness.

When the play was ended, I sat waiting for an opportunity of handing
some lady to her coach; but everyone was attended by such a number
of officious gallants, that for a long time I was balked in
my expectation. At length, however, I perceived a very handsome
creature, genteelly dressed, sitting by herself in a box, at
some distance from me; upon which I went up to her, and offered
my service. She seemed to be in some confusion, thanked me for my
complaisance, and with a tender look declined giving me the trouble:
looking at her watch, and testifying her surprise at the negligence
of her footman whom she had ordered to have a chair ready for her
at that hour. I repeated my entreaty with all the eloquence and
compliment I was master of; and, in the event, she was prevailed upon
to accept of a proposal I made, to send my servant for a chair or
coach: accordingly, Strap was detached for that purpose, and returned
without success. By this time the playhouse was quite empty, and
we were obliged to retire. As I led her through the passage, I
observed five or six young fellows of fashion standing in a corner,
one of whom, as I thought, tipped my charmer the wink, and when we
were passed, I heard a loud laugh. This note aroused my attention,
and I was resolved to be fully satisfied of this lady's character,
before I should have any nearer connection with her. As no convenience
appeared, I proposed to conduct her to a tavern, where we might
stay a few minutes, until my servant could fetch a coach from the
Strand. She seemed particularly shy of trusting herself in a tavern
with a stranger, but at last yielded to my pathetic remonstrances,
rather than endanger her health by remaining in a cold, damp
thoroughfare. Having thus far succeeded, I begged to know what
wine she would be pleased to drink a glass of; but she professed
the greatest aversion to all sorts of strong liquors, and it was
with much difficulty that I could persuade her to eat a jelly.

In the meantime, I endeavoured to alleviate the uneasiness she
discovered, by saying all the agreeable things I could think of;
at which she would often sigh, and regard me with a languishing
look, that seemed, however, too near akin to the lewd leer of a
courtesan.  This discovery added to my former suspicion, while it
put me upon my guard against her arts, divested me of reserve, and
enabled me to entertain her with gaiety and freedom. In the course
of our conversation, I pressed her to allow me the honour of waiting
upon her next day at her lodgings, a request which she, with many
apologues, refused, lest it should give umbrage to Sir John, who was
of a disposition apt to be fretted with trifles. This information,
by which I was to understand that her husband was a knight, did not
check my addresses, which became more and more importunate, and I
was even hardy enough to ravish a kiss. But, O heavens! instead of
banqueting on the ambrosial flavour, that her delicacy of complexion
promised, I was almost suffocated with the steams of Geneva! An
exhalation of this kind, from a mouth which had just before declared
an utter abhorrence of all spirituous liquors, not only changed my
doubts into certainty, but my raptures into loathing; and it would
have been impossible for me to have preserved common complaisance
five minutes longer, when my servant returned with a coach. I took
the advantage of this occasion, and presented my hand to the lady,
who put in practice against me the whole artillery of her charms,
ogling, languishing, sighing, and squeezing, with so little reserve
that Strap perceived her tenderness, and rubbed his hands with
joy as he followed us to the door; but I was proof against all her
endearments, and handed her into the coach with an intention to
take my leave immediately. She guessed my design, and invited me
to her house, whispering, that now Sir John was gone to bed, she
could have the pleasure of my conversation for half-an-hour without
interruption. I told her there was no mortification I would not
undergo, rather than endanger the repose of her ladyship; and,
bidding the coachman drive on, wished her a good night. She lost
all temper at my indifference, and, stopping the coach, at the
distance of about twenty yards from me, popped out her head, and
howled with the lungs of a fishwoman, "D--n you, you dog, won't you
pay the coach-hire?" As I made no answer, she held forth against me
with an eloquence peculiar to herself; calling me pitifull fellow,
scoundrel, and a hundred such appellations; concluding with an
oath, that, for all my appearance, she believed I had got no money
in my pocket.

Having thus vented her indignation, she ordered her coachman to
proceed, and I returned to the tavern, where I bespoke something
for supper, very well pleased at the issue of this adventure. I
dispensed with the attendance of the waiter at table, on pretence
that my own servant was present, and, when we were alone, said to
Strap, "Well, Monsieur d'Estrapes, what d'ye think of this lady?"
My friend, who had not opened his mouth since her departure, could
make no other reply than the monosyllable "Think!" which he pronounced
with a note of fear and astonishment. Surprised at this emphasis,
I surveyed my valet, and, perceiving a wildness in his looks, asked
if he had seen his grandfather's ghost? "Ghost!" said he, "I am
sure I have seen a devil incarnate! Who would have thought that
so much devilish malice and Billingsgate could lurk under so much
sweetness of countenance and modesty of behaviour? Ah! God help
us! Fronti nulla fides--nimium ne crede colori--but we ought to
down on our knees, and bless God for delivering us from the jaws
of that painted sepulchre!" I was pretty much of Strap's opinion,
and, though I did not believe myself in any danger from the allurements
of that sisterhood, I determined to act with great circumspection
for the future, and shun all commerce of that kind, as equally
prejudicial to my purse and constitution.

My next care was to introduce myself into a set of good acquaintance:
for which purpose I frequented a certain coffee-house, noted for
the resort of good company, English as well as foreigners, where
my appearance procured all the civilities and advances I could
desire. As there was an ordinary in the same house, I went upstairs
to dinner with the other guests, and found myself at a table with
thirteen people, the greatest part of whom were better dressed than
myself. The conversation, which was mostly carried on in French,
turned chiefly on politics; and I soon found the whole company were
in the French interest, myself excepted, and a testy old gentleman,
who contradicted everything that was advanced in favour of his Most
Christian Majesty, with a surliness truly English. But this trusty
patriot, who had never been out of his own country, and drew all
his maxims and notions from prejudice and hearsay, was very unequal
to his antagonists, who were superior to him in learning and
experience, and often took the liberty of travellers in asserting
things which were not strictly true, because they thought themselves
in no danger of being detected by him. The claim of the Queen
Of Spain to the Austrian dominions in Italy was fully explained
and vindicated, by a person who sat opposite to me, and, by the
solemnity of his manner and the richness of his apparel, seemed to
be a foreign ambassador. This dissertation produced another on the
Pragmatic Sanction, handled with great warmth by a young gentleman
at my right hand, dressed in a green frock, trimmed with gold,
who justified the French king for his breach of that contract; and
affirmed that he could not have observed it without injuring his
own glory. Although I was not at all convinced by this gentleman's
arguments, I could not help admiring his vivacity which, I imagined,
must be the effect of his illustrious birth and noble education,
and accordingly rated him, in my conjecture, as a young prince on
his travels. The discourse was afterwards shifted by an old gentleman,
of a very martial appearance, to the last campaign, when the battle
of Dettingen was fought over again, with so many circumstances to
the honour of the French and disadvantages if the Allies, that I
began to entertain some doubts of my having been there in person,
and took the liberty to mention some objections to what he advanced.
This freedom introduced a dispute, which lasted a good while, to
the mortification of all present; and was at last referred to the
determination of a grave person, whom they styled Doctor, and who,
under a show of great moderation, decided it against me, with so
little regard to truth, that I taxed him with partiality in pretty
severe terms, to the no small entertainment of the true English
politician, who rejoiced at my defence of a cause he had so often
espoused without success.

My opponent, pleased with the victory he had gained, affected a great
deal of candour, and told me, he should not have been so positive,
if he had not been at great pains to inform himself of each
particular. "Indeed," said he, "I am convinced that the previous
steps considered, things could not happen otherwise; for we generals
who have seen service, though we may not be on the spot ourselves,
know by the least sketch of the disposition what must be the
event." He then censured, with great freedom, every circumstance
of the conduct of those who commanded the Allies; from thence made
a transition to the ministry, which he honoured with many invectives
for employing people who had neither experience nor capacity,
to the prejudice of old officers, who had been distinguished for
both; dropped many hints of his own importance, and concluded with
observing, that the French and Spaniards knew better how to value
generals of merit; the good effects of which are seen in the
conquests they gain, and the discipline of their troops, which are
at the same time better clothed and paid than any soldiers in the
universe. These remarks furnished the green knight with an opportunity
of launching out in the praise of the French government in general,
civil as well as military; on which occasion he made many odious
comparisons to the disadvantage of the English.  Everybody,
almost, assented to the observations he made, and the doctor gave
his sanction, by saying, the people of France were undoubtedly
the happiest subjects in the world. I was so much astonished and
confounded at their infatuation and effrontery, that I had not
power to utter one word in opposition to their assertions; but my
morose associate could not put up with the indignity that was offered
to Old England, and therefore with a satirical grin addressed himself
to the general in these words: "Sir, sir, I have often heard it
said, She's a villainous bird that befouls her own nest. As for
what those people who are foreigners say, I don't mind it; they
know no better; but you who were bred and born, and have got your
bread, under the English government, should have more regard to
gratitude, as well as truth in censuring your native country. If
the ministry have thought fit to lay you aside, I suppose they have
their own reasons for so doing; and you ought to remember, that
you still live on the bounty of this nation. As for these gentlemen
(meaning the prince and ambassador), who make so free with our
constitution, laws, and genius of our people, I think they might
show a little more respect for their benefactors, who, I must own,
are to blame in harbouring and protecting, and encouraging such
ungrateful vagrants as they are." At these words, the chevalier
in green started up in a great passion, and laying his hand on the
hilt of his hanger, exclaimed, "Ah! foutre!" The Englishman on the
other hand, grasping his cane cried, "Don't foutre me, sirrah, or
by G--d I'll knock you down." The company interposed, the Frenchman
sat down again, and his antagonist proceeded--"Lookey, Monsieur,
you know very well that had you dared to speak so freely of the
administration of your own country in Paris as you have done of
ours in London, you would have been sent to the Bastille without
ceremony, where you might have rotted in a dungeon, and never seen
the light of the sun again. Now, sir, take my word for it, although
our constitution screens us from such oppression, we want not
laws to chastise the authors of seditious discourse, and if I hear
another syllable out of your mouth in contempt or prejudice of this
kingdom, I will give you a convincing proof of what I advance, and
have you laid by the heels for your presumption." This declaration
had an effect on the company as sudden as surprising. The young
prince became as supple as a spaniel, the ambassador trembled, the
general sat silent and abashed, and the doctor, who it seems, had
felt the rod of power, grew pale as death, and assured us all,
that he had no intention to affront any person or people. "Your
principles, doctor," resumed the old gentleman, "are no secret--I
have nothing to say upon that head; but am very much surprised,
that a man who despises us so much, should notwithstanding live
among us, when he has no visible motive for so doing. Why don't
you take up your habitation in your beloved France, where you may
rail at England without censure?" To this remonstrance the doctor
thought proper to make no reply, and an unsocial silence ensued;
which I perceiving, took notice, that it was pity such idle disputes,
maintained very often through whim or diversion, should create any
misunderstanding among gentlemen of good sense, and proposed to
drink down all animosity in another bottle,

This motion was applauded by the whole company. The wine was brought,
and the English champion, declaring he had no spleen against any
man for differing in opinion from him, any more than for difference
of complexion, drank to the good health of all present; the compliment
was returned, and the conversation once more became unreserved
though more general than before. Among other topics, the subject
of war was introduced, on which the general declaimed with great
eloquence, recounting many of his own exploits by way of illustration.
In the course of his harangue he happened to mention the word
epaulement, upon which the testy gentleman asked the meaning, of that
term. "I'll tell you what an epaulement is," replied he, "I never
saw an epaulement but once, and that was at the siege of Namur. In
a council of war, Monsieur Cohorn, the famous engineer, affirmed
that the place could not be taken." "Yes," said the Prince of
Vandemont, "it may be taken by an epaulement." "This was immediately
put into execution, and in twenty-four hours Mareschal Boufflers
was fain to capitulate." Here he made a full stop, and the old
gentleman repeated the question, "But pray what is an epaulement?"
To this interrogation the officer made no immediate reply, but rang
the bell, and called for the bill, which being brought, he threw
down his proportion of the reckoning, and, telling the company he
would show them an epaulement when his majesty should think fit to
entrust him with the command of our army abroad, strutted away with
great dignity. I could not imagine why he was so shy of explaining
one of the most simple terms of fortification, which I forthwith
described as a side-work composed of earth, gabions, or fascines;
but I was very much surprised when I afterwards understood that
his reserve proceeded from his ignorance.

Having paid our bill, we adjourned to the coffee-room, where my
fellow-labourer insisted on treating me with a dish, giving me to
understand, at the same time, that I had acquired his good opinion,
both with respect to my principles and understanding. I thanked
him for his compliment, and, professing myself an utter stranger
in this part of the world, begged he would have the goodness to
inform me of the quality and characters of the people who dined
above. This request was a real favour to one of his disposition,
which was no less communicative than curious; he therefore complied
with great satisfaction, and told me, to my extreme astonishment,
that the supposed young prince was a dancer at one of the theatres,
and the ambassador no other than a fiddler belonging to the opera.
"The doctor," said he "is a Roman Catholic priest, who sometimes
appears in the character of an officer, and assumes the name of
captain; but more generally takes the garb, title, and behaviour
of a physician, in which capacity he wheedles himself into the
confidence of weak-minded people, and by arguments no less specious
than false, converts them from their religion and allegiance. He
has been in the hands of justice more than once for such practices,
but he is a sly dog, and manages matters with so much craft, that
hitherto he has escaped for a short imprisonment. As for the general,
you may see he has owed his promotion more to his interest than
his capacity; and, now that the eyes of the ministry are opened,
his friends dead or become inconsiderable, he is struck off the
list, and obliged to put up with a yearly pension. In consequence
of this reduction, he is become malcontent, and inveighs against
the government in all companies, with so little discretion, that
I am surprised at the lenity of the administration, in overlooking
his insolence, but the truth of the matter is, he owes his safety
to his weakness and want of importance. He has seen a little, and
but a little, service, and yet, if you will take his word to it,
there has not been a great action performed in the field since
the Revolution, in which he was not principally concerned. When a
story is told of any great general, he immediately matches it with
one of himself, though he is often unhappy in his invention, and
commits such gross blunders in the detail, that everybody is in pain
for him. Caesar, Pompey, and Alexander the Great, are continually
in his mouth; and, as he reads a good deal without any judgment to
digest it, his ideas are confused, and his harangues as unintelligible
as infinite; for, if once he begin, there is no chance of his
leaving off speaking while one person remains to yield attention;
therefore the only expedient I know, for putting a stop to his
loquacity, is to lay hold of some incongruity he has uttered, and
demand an explanation; or ask the meaning of some difficult term
that he knows by name; this method will effectually put him to
silence, if not to flight, as it happened when I inquired about an
epaulement. Had he been acquainted with the signification of that
word, his triumph would have been intolerable, and we must have
quitted the field first, or been worried with impertinence."

Having thus gratified my curiosity, the old gentleman began
to discover his own, in questions relating to myself, to which I
thought proper to return ambiguous answers. "I presume, Sir," said
he, "you have travelled." I answered, "Yes." "I dare say you have
found it very expensive," said he. I replied, "To be sure, one cannot
travel without money." "That I know by experience," said he, "for
I myself take a trip to Bath or Tunbridge every season; and one must
pay sauce for what he has on the road, as well in other countries
as in this. That's a pretty stone in your ring--give me leave, sir--the
French have attained to a wonderful skill in making compositions
of this kind. Why, now, this looks almost as well as a diamond."
"Almost as well, Sir!" said I, "Why not altogether? I am sure if you
understand anything of jewels, you must perceive, at first sight,
that this stone is a real diamond, and that of a very fine water.
Take it in your hand and examine it." He did so with some confusion,
and returned it, saying, "I ask your pardon; I see it is a true
brilliant of immense value." I imagined his respect to me increased
after this inquiry; therefore to captivate his esteem the more, I
told him, I would show him a seal of composition, engraved after
a very valuable antique; upon which I pulled out my watch with a
rich gold chain, adorned with three seals set in gold, and an opal
ring, He viewed each of them with great eagerness, handled the
chain, admired the chased case, and observed that the whole must
have cost me a vast sum of money. I affected indifference, and
replied in a careless manner, "Some trifle of sixty or seventy
guineas." He stared in my face for some time, and then asked
if I was an Englishman? I answered in the negative. "You are from
Ireland then, Sir, I presume," said he. I made the same reply. "Oh!
perhaps," said he "you were born in one of our settlements abroad."
I still answered No. He seemed very much surprised, and said, he
was sure I was not a foreigner. I made no reply, but left him upon
the tenter-hooks of impatient uncertainty.  He could not contain
his anxiety, but asked pardon for the liberties he had taken and,
to encourage me the more to disclose my situation, displayed his own
without reserve. "I am," said he, "a single man, have a considerable
annuity, on which I live according to my inclination, and make
the ends of the year meet very comfortably. As I have no estate to
leave behind, I am not troubled with the importunate officiousness
of relations or legacy hunters, and I consider the world as made
for me, not me for the world. It is my maxim, therefore, to enjoy
it while I can, and let futurity shift for itself."

While he thus indulged his own talkative vein, and at the same
time, no doubt, expected retaliation from me, a young man entered,
dressed in black velvet and an enormous tie-wig, with an air in
which natural levity and affected solemnity were so jumbled together,
that on the whole he appeared a burlesque on all decorum. This
ridiculous oddity danced up to the table at which we sat, and, after
a thousand grimaces, asked my friend by the name of Mr. Medlar,
if we were not engaged upon business. My companion put on a surly
countenance, and replied "No great business, doctor--but however--"
"Oh! then," cried the physician; "I must beg your indulgence a little;
pray pardon me, gentlemen." "Sir," said he, addressing himself to
me, "your most humble servant. I hope you will forgive me, sir--I
must beg the favour to sit--sir--sir--I have something of consequence
to impart to my friend Mr. Medlar--sir, I hope you will excuse
my freedom in whispering, sir," Before I had time to give this
complaisant person my permission, Mr. Medlar cried, "I'Il have no
whispering--if you have anything to say to me, speak with an audible
voice." The doctor seemed a little disconcerted at this exclamation,
and, turning again to me, made a thousand apologies for pretending
to make a mystery of anything, a piece of caution which he said
was owing to his ignorance of my connection with Mr. Medlar; but
now he understood I was a friend, and would communicate what he
had to say in my hearing. He then began, after two or three hems,
in this manner: "You must know, sir, I am just come from dinner
at my Lady Flareit's (then addressing himself to me), a lady of
quality, sir, at whose table I have the honour of dining sometimes.
There was Lady Stately and my Lady Larum, and Mrs. Dainty, and Miss
Biddy Giggler, upon my word, a very good-natured young lady, with
a very pretty fortune sir. There was also my Lord Straddle. Sir John
Shrug, and Master Billy Chatter, who is actually a very facetious
young gentleman. So, sir, her ladyship seeing me excessively fatigued,
for she was the last of fifteen patients (people of distinction,
sir) whom I had visited this forenoon, insisted upon my staying
dinner, though upon my word I protest I had no appetite; however,
in compliance with her ladyship's request, sir, I sat down, and
the conversation turning on different subjects, among other things,
Mr Chatter asked very earnestly when I saw Mr. Medlar. I told him
I had not had the pleasure of seeing you these nineteen hours and
a half; for you may remember, sir, it was nearly about that time;
I won't be positive as to a minute." "No," says he, "then I desire
you will go to his lodgings immediately after dinner, and see what's
the matter with him, for he must certainly be very bad from having
eaten last night such a vast quantity of raw oysters." The crusty
gentleman, who, from the solemnity of his delivery, expected something
extraordinary, no sooner heard his conclusion, than he started up
in a testy humour, crying, "Pshaw, pshaw! D--n your oysters!" and
walked away, after a short compliment of, "Your servant sir," to
me.  The doctor got up also, saying, "I vow and protest, upon my
word, I am actually amazed;" and followed Mr. Medlar to the bar,
which was hard by, where he was paying for his coffee: there he
whispered so loud that I could overhear, "Pray who is this gentleman?"
His friend replied hastily, "I might have known that before now,
if it had not been for your impertinent intrusion,"--and walked
off very much disappointed. The ceremonious physician returned
immediately and sat down by me, asking a thousand pardons for leaving
me alone: and giving me to understand that what he had communicated
to Mr. Medlar at the bar, was an affair of the last importance,
that would admit of no delay. He then called for some coffee, and
launched out into the virtues of that berry, which, he said, in
cold phlegmatic constitutions, like his, dried up the superfluous
moisture, and braced the relaxed nerves. He told me it was utterly
unknown to the ancients; and derived its name from an Arabian word,
which I might easily perceive by the sound and termination. From
this topic he transferred his disquisitions to the verb drink,
which he affirmed was improperly applied to the taking of coffee,
inasmuch as people did not drink, but sip or sipple that liquor;
that the genuine meaning of drinking is to quench one's thirst,
or commit a debauch by swallowing wine; that the Latin word, which
conveyed the same idea, was bibere or potare, and that of the
Greeks pinein or poteein, though he was apt to believe they were
differently used on different occasions: for example--to drink
a vast quantity, or, as the vulgar express it, to drink an ocean
of liquor, was in Latin potare, and in Greek poteein; and, on the
other hand, to use it moderately, was bibere and pinein;--that
this was only a conjecture of his, which, however, seemed to be
supported by the word bibulous, which is particularly applied to
the pores of the skin, and can only drink a very small quantity
of the circumambient moisture, by reason of the smallness of their
diameters;--whereas, from the verb poteein is derived the substantive
potamos, which signifies a river, or vast quantity of liquor. I
could not help smiling at this learned and important investigation;
and, to recommend myself the more to my new acquaintance, whose
disposition I was by this time well informed of, I observed that,
what he alleged, did not, to the best of my remembrance, appear in
the writings of the ancients; for Horace uses the words poto and
bibo indifferently for the same purpose, as in the twentieth Ode
of his first Book.

    "Vile potabis modicis sabinum cantharis--
    --Et praelo domitam caleno tu bibes uvam."

That I had never heard of the verb poteein, but that potamos, potema,
and potos, were derived from pino, poso, pepoka, in consequence of
which, the Greek poets never use any other word for festal drinking.
Homer describes Nestor at his cups in these words,

"Nestora d'ouk elathen jache pinonta pcrempes."

And Anacreon mentions it on the same occasion always in every page.

          "Pinonti de oinon hedun.
          Otan pino ton oinon.
          Opliz' ego de pino."

And in a thousand other places. The doctor who doubtless intended
by his criticism to give me a high idea of his erudition, was
infinitely surprised to find himself schooled by one of my appearance;
and after a considerable pause cried, "Upon my word, you are in
the right, sir--I find I have not considered this affair with my
usual accuracy." Then, accosting me in Latin, which he spoke very
well, the conversation was maintained full two hours, on a variety
of subjects, in that language; and indeed he spoke so judiciously,
that I was convinced, notwithstanding his whimsical appearance and
attention to trifles, that he was a man of extensive knowledge,
especially in books; he looked upon me, as I afterwards understood
from Mr. Medlar, as a prodigy in learning, and proposed that very
night, if I were not engaged, to introduce me to several young
gentlemen of fortune and fashion, with whom I had an appointment
at the Bedford coffee house.





CHAPTER XLVI




Wagtail introduces me to set of fine Gentlemen with whom I spend
the Evening at a Tavern--our Conversation--the Characters of my
new Companions--the Doctor is roasted--our Issue of our Debauch


I accepted his offer with pleasure, and we went thither in a hackney
coach where I saw a great number of gay figures fluttering about,
most of whom spoke to the doctor with great familiarity. Among the
rest stood a group of them round the fire whom I immediately knew
to be the very persons who had the night before, by their laughing,
alarmed my suspicion of the lady who had put herself under
my protection. They no sooner perceived me enter with Dr. Wagtail
(for that was my companion's name) than they tittered and whispered
one to another, and I was not a little surprised to find that they
were the gentlemen to whose acquaintance he designed to recommend
me; for, when he observed them together, he to told me who they
were, and desired to know by what name he should introduce me.
I satisfied him in that particular, and he advanced with great
gravity, saying, "Gentlemen, your most obedient servant:--give me
leave to introduce my friend Mr. Random to your society." Then,
turning to me, "Mr.  Random, this is Mr. Bragwell--Mr. Banter,
sir--Mr. Chatter--my friend Mr. Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter sir." I
saluted each of then in order, and when I came to take Mr. Slyboot
by the hand, I perceived him thrust his tongue in his cheek, to the
no small entertainment of the company; but I did not think proper
to take any notice of it on this occasion. Mr. Ranter too (who I
afterwards learned was a player) displayed his talents, by mimicking
my air, features, and voice, while he returned my compliment: this
feat I should not have been so sensible of, had I not seen him
behave in the same manner to my friend Wagtail, when he made up
to them at first. But for once I let him enjoy the fruits of his
dexterity without question or control, resolved however to chastise
his insolence at a more convenient opportunity. Mr. Slyboot, guessing
I was a stranger, asked if I had been lately in France? and when I
answered in the affirmative, inquired if I had seen the Luxembourg
Gallery? I told him I had considered it more than once with great
attention: upon this a conversion ensued, in which I discovered
him to be a painter.

While we were discoursing upon the particulars of this famous
performance, I overheard Banter ask Dr. Wagtail, where he had picked
up this Mr. Random. To which question the physician answered, "Upon
my word, a mighty pretty sort of a gentleman--a man of fortune,
sir--he has made the grand tour, and seen the best company in Europe,
air." "What, he told you so, I suppose?" said the other: "I take
him to be neither more nor less than a French valet-de-chambre."
"O barbarous, barbarous!" cried the doctor; "this is actually, upon
my word, altogether unaccountable. I know all his family perfectly
well, sir; he is of the Randoms of the north--a very ancient house
sir, and a distant relation of mine." I was extremely nettled at the
conjecture of Mr. Banter, and began to entertain a very indifferent
opinion of my company in general; but, as I might possibly by
their means acquire a more extensive and agreeable acquaintance, I
determined to bear these little mortifications as long as I could
without injuring the dignity of my character. After having talked
for some time on the weather, plays, politics, and other coffee-house
subjects, it was proposed that we should spend the evening at a
noted tavern in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired in a body.

Having taken possession of a room, called for French wine, and bespoke
supper, the glass went about pretty freely, and the characters of
my associates opened upon me more and more. It soon appeared that
the doctor was entertained as butt for the painter and player to
exercise their wit upon, for the diversion of the company.  Mr.
Ranter began the game by asking him what was good for a hoarseness,
lowness of spirits, and in digestion, for he was troubled with
all these complaints to a very great degree. Wagtail immediately
undertook to explain the nature of his case, and in a very prolix
manner harangued upon prognostics, diagnostics, symptomatics,
therapeutics, inanition, and repletion; then calculated the force
of the stomach and lungs in their respective operations; ascribed
the player's malady to a disorder in these organs, proceeding
from hard drinkings and vociferations, and prescribed a course
of stomachics, with abstinence from venery, wine, loud speaking,
laughing, singing, coughing, sneezing, or hallooing. "Pah, pah!"
cried Ranter, interrupting him, "the remedy is worse than the
disease--I wish I knew where to find some tinder water." "Tinder
water!" said the doctor; "Upon my word, I don't apprehend you,
Mr. Ranter." "Water extracted from tinder," replied the other,
"a universal specific for all distempers incident to man.  It was
invented by a learned German monk, who, for a valuable consideration,
imparted the secret to Paracelsus." "Pardon me," cried the painter,
"it was first used by Solomon, as appears by a Greek manuscript in
his civil handwriting, lately found at the foot of Mount Lebanon,
by a peasant who was digging for potatoes--" "Well," said Wagtail,
"in all my vast reading, I never met with such a preparation!
neither did I know till this minute, that Solomon understood Greek,
or that potatoes grew in Palestine."

Here Banter interposed, saying, he was surprised that Dr. Wagtail
should make the least doubt of Solomon's understanding Greek, when
he is represented to us as the wisest and best-educated prince
in the world; and as for potatoes, they were transplanted thither
from Ireland, in the time of the Crusade, by some knights of that
country. "I profess," said the doctor, "there is nothing more likely.
I would actually give a vast sum for a sight of that manuscript,
which must be inestimable; and, if I understood the process, would
set about it immediately." The player assured him the process was
very simple--that he must cram a hundred-weight of dry tinder into
a glass retort, and, distilling it by the force of animal heat, it
would yield half a scruple of insipid water, one drop of which is
a full dose. "Upon my integrity!" exclaimed the incredulous doctor,
"this is very amazing and extraordinary! that a caput mortuum
should yield any water at all. I must own I have always been an
enemy to specifics which I thought inconsistent with the nature of
the animal economy; but certainly the authority of Solomon is not
to be questioned. I wonder where I shall find a glass retort large
enough to contain such a vast quantity of tinder, the consumption
of which must, undoubtedly, raise the price of paper, or where shall
I find animal heat sufficient even to warm such a mass?" Slyboot
informed him, that he might have a retort blown for him as big as
a church: and, that the easiest method of raising the vapour by
animal heat, would be to place it in the middle of an infirmary
for feverish patients, who might he upon mattresses around and
in contact with it. He had he sooner pronounced these words, than
Wagtail exclaimed in a rapture, "An admirable expedient, as I hope
to be saved! I will positively put it in practice."

This simplicity of the physician furnished excellent diversion
for the company, who, in their turns, sneered at him in ironical
compliments, which his vanity swallowed as the genuine sentiments
of their hearts. Mr. Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, now
broke out and entertained us with a catalogue of all the people who
danced at the last Hampstead assembly, with a most circumstantial
account of the dress and ornaments of each, from the lappets of
the ladies to the shoe-buckles of the men; concluding with telling
Bragwell, that his mistress Melinda was there, and seemed to miss
him: and soliciting his company at the next occasion of that kind.

"No, d--mm," said Bragwell, "I have something else to mind than
dangling after a parcel of giddy-headed girls; besides. you know
my temper is so unruly, that I am apt to involve myself in scrapes
when a woman is concerned. The last time I was there, I had
an affair with Tom Trippit." "Oh! I remember that!" cried Banter;
"You lugged out before the ladies; and I commend you for so doing,
because you had an opportunity of showing your manhood without running
any risk.  "Risk!" said the other with a fierce countenance, d--n
my blood! I fear no risks. I an't afraid of lugging out against any
man that wears a head, d-me! 'Tis well known that I have drawn blood
more than once, and lost some too; but what does that signify?" The
player begged this champion to employ him as his second the next
time he intended to kill, for he wanted to see a man die of a stab,
that he might know how to act such an art the more naturally on the
stage. "Die!" replied the hero: "No, by G--! I know better things
than to incur the verdict of a Middlesex jury--I should look
upon my fencing-master to be an ignorant son of a b--h, if he had
not taught me to prick any of my antagonist's body that I please
to disable." "Oho!" cried Slyboot, "if that be the case, I have a
favour to ask.  You must know I am employed to paint a Jesus on the
cross; and my purpose is to represent him at that point of time
when the spear is thrust into his side. Now I should be glad if you
would, in my presence, pink some impertinent fellow into convulsions,
without endangering his life, that I may have an opportunity of
taking a good clever agony from nature: the doctor will direct you
where to enter and how far to go, but pray let it be as near the
left side as possible." Wagtail, who took this proposal seriously,
observed, that it would be a very difficult matter to penetrate
into the left side of the thorax without hurting the heart, and in
consequence killing the patient; but he believed it was possible
for a man of a very nice hand and exact knowledge of anatomy, to
wound the diaphragma somewhere about the skirts, which might induce
a singultus, without being attended with death: that he was ready
to demonstrate the insertion of that muscle to Mr. Bragwell;
but desired to have no concern with the experiment, which might
essentially prejudice his reputation, in case of a miscarriage.
Bragwell was as much imposed upon by the painter's waggery as the
doctor, and declined engaging in the affair, saying he held a very
great regard for Mr, Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, never
to fight except when his honour was engaged. A thousand jokes of
this kind were uttered; the wine circulated, supper was served in,
we ate heartily, returned to the bottle, Bragwell became noisy and
troublesome, Banter grew more and more severe, Ranter rehearsed,
Slyboot made faces at the whole company, I sang French catches,
and Chatter kissed me with great affection; while the doctor, with
a wofull countenance, sat silent like a disciple of Pythagoras.
At length, it was proposed by Bragwell, that we should scour the
hundreds, sweat the constable, maul the watch, and then reel soberly
to bed.

While we deliberated upon this expedition, the waiter came into
the room, and asked for Doctor Wagtail: when he understood he was
present, he told him there was a lady below to inquire for him, at
which message the physician started from his melancholy contemplation,
and, with a look of extreme confusion, assured the company he could
not possibly be the person wanted, for he bad no connection with
any lady whatever, and bade the drawer tell her so.  "For shame!"
cried Banter; "would you be so impolite as to refuse a lady
a hearing? perhaps she comes for a consultation. It must be some
extraordinary affair that brings a lady to a tavern at this time
of night. Mr. Ranter, pray do the doctor's base-mains to the lady,
and squire her hither." The player immediately staggered out, and
returned, leading in with much ceremony, a tall strapping wench,
whose appearance proclaimed her occupation. We received her with
the utmost solemnity, and with a good deal of entreaty she was
persuaded to sit, when a profound silence ensued, during which she
fixed her eyes, with a disconsolate look, upon the doctor, who was
utterly confounded at her behaviour, and returned her melancholy
fourfold; at length, after a good many piteous sighs, she wiped her
eyes, and accosted him thus: "What! not one word of comfort? Will
nothing soften that stony heart of thine? Not all my tears! not
all my affliction! not the inevitable ruin thou hast brought upon
me! Where are thy vows, thou faithless, perjured man? Hast thou
no honour--no conscience--no remorse for thy perfidious conduct
towards me? Answer me, wilt thou at last do me justice, or must I
have recourse to heaven or hell for my revenge?" If poor Wagtail
was amazed before she spoke, what must his confusion be on hearing
this address! His natural paleness changed into a ghastly clay
colour, his eyes rolled, his lip trembled, and he answered in an
accent not to be described, "Upon my word, honour, and salvation,
madam, you are actually mistaken in my person. I have a most
particular veneration for your sex, and, am actually incapable of
injuring any lady in the smallest degree, madam; besides, madam,
to the best of my recollection, I never had the honour of seeing
you before, as I hope to be saved, madam!" "How, traitor!" cried
she, "dost thou disown me then? Mistaken! no, too well I know that
fair bewitching face! too well I know that false enchanting tongue!
Alas! gentlemen, since the villain compels me by his unkindness, to
expose myself and him, know that this betrayer, under the specious
pretence of honourable addresses, won my heart, and taking advantage
of his conquest, robbed me of my virgin treasure, and afterwards
abandoned me to my fate! I am now four months gone with child by
him, turned out of doors by my relations, and left a prey to misery
and want! Yes, thou barbarian," said she, turning to Wagtail, "thou
tiger, thou succubus! too well thou knowest my situation. But I
will tear out thy faithless heart, and deliver the world from such
a monster." So saying, she sprang forward at the doctor, who with
incredible agility, jumped over the table, and ran behind Bragwell,
while the rest of us endeavoured to appease the furious heroine.
Although everybody in the company affected the utmost surprise, I
could easily perceive it was a scheme concerted among them to produce
diversion at the doctor's expense, and being under no concern about
the consequence, I entered into the confederacy, and enjoyed the
distress of Wagtail, who with tears in his eyes begged the protection
of the company, declaring himself as innocent of the crime laid to
his charge as the foetus in utero; and hinting at the same time,
that nature had not put it in his power to be guilty of such
a trespass. "Nature!" cried the lady, "there was no nature in the
case; he abused me by the help of charms and spells; else how is
it possible that any woman could have listened to the addresses
of such a scarecrow? Were these owlish eyes made for ogling; that
carrion complexion to be admired; or that mouth, like a horse-shoe,
to be kissed? No, no, you owe your success to your philtres, to
your drugs and incantations; and not to your natural talents, which
are, in every respect, mean and contemptible."

The doctor thought he had got an opportunity of vindicating himself
effectually; and desired the complainant to compose herself but
for half-an-hour, in which he undertook to prove the absurdity
of believing in the power of incantations, which were only idle
dreams of ignorance and superstition. He accordingly pronounced
a very learned discourse upon the nature of ideas, the power and
independence of the mind, the properties of stimulating medicines,
the difference between a proneness to venery, which many simples
would create, and a passion limited to one object, which can only
be the result of sense and reflection; and concluded with a pathetic
remonstrance, setting forth his unhappiness in being persecuted with
the resentment of a lady whom he had never injured, nor even seen
before that occasion, and whose faculties were, in all likelihood,
so much impaired by her misfortunes that an innocent person was in
danger of being ruined by her disorder. He had no sooner finished
his harangue, than the forlorn princess renewed her lamentations,
and cautioned the company against his eloquence, which, she said,
was able to bias the most impartial bench in Christendom. Ranter
advised him to espouse her immediately, as the only means to save
his reputation, and offered to accompany him to the Fleet for that
purpose; but Slyboot proposed that a father should be purchased for
the child, and a comfortable alimony settled on the mother. Ranter
promised to adopt the infant gratis. Wagtail was ready to worship
him for his generosity, and, though he persisted in protesting his
innocence, condescended to everything rather than his unblemished
character should be called into question. The lady rejected the
proposal, and insisted on matrimony. Bragwell took up the cudgels
for the doctor, and undertook to rid him of her importunity for
half-a-guinea; upon which Wagtail, with great eagerness, pulled
out his purse, and put it into the hand of his friend, who, taking
half a piece out of it, gave it to the plaintiff, and bade her
thank God for her good fortune. When she had received this bounty,
she affected to weep, and begged, since the physician had renounced
her, he would at least vouchsafe her a parting kiss; this he was
prevailed upon to grant with great reluctance, and went up with
his usual solemnity to salute her, when she laid hold of his cheek
with her teeth, and held fast, while he roared with anguish, to
the unspeakable diversion of all present. When she thought proper
to release him, she dropped a low courtesy to the company, and
quitted the room, leaving the doctor in the utmost horror, not so
much on account of the pain, as the apprehension of the consequence
of the bite; for, by this time, he was convinced of her being mad.
Banter prescribed the actual cautery, and put the poker in the
fire to be heated, in order to sear the place. The player was of
opinion that Bragwell should scoop out the part affected. with the
point of his sword; but the painter prevented both these dreadful
operations by recommending a balsam he had in his pocket, which
never failed to cure the bite of a mad dog; so saying, he pulled
out a small bladder of black paint, with which he instantly anointed
not only the sore, but the greatest part of the patient's face,
and left it in a frightful condition. In short, the poor creature
was so harassed with fear and vexation, that I pitied him extremely,
and sent him home in a chair, contrary to the inclination of
everybody present.

This freedom of mine gave umbrage to Bragwell, who testified his
displeasure by swearing a few threats, without making any application;
which, being perceived by Slyboot, who sat by me, he, with a view
of promoting a quarrel, whispered to me, that he thought Bragwell
used me very ill, but every man was the best judge of his own
affairs. I answered aloud, that I would neither suffer Mr.  Bragwell
nor him to use me ill with impunity; and that I stood in no need of
his counsel in regard to the regulation of my conduct. He thought
proper to ask a thousand pardons, and assure me he meant no offence;
while Bragwell feigned himself asleep, that he might not be obliged
to take notice of what passed. But the player, who had more animal
spirits and less discretion than Slyboot, unwilling to let the
affair rest where he had dropped it, jogged Mr. Bragwell and told
him softly that I had called him names, and threatened to cudgel
him. This particular I understood by his starting, up and crying,
"Blood. and wounds, you lie! No man durst treat me so ignominiously. Mr.
Random, did you call me names, and threaten to drub me?" I denied
the imputation, and proposed to punish the scoundrel who endeavoured
to foment disturbance in the company.  Bragwell signified his
approbation, and drew his sword; I did the same, and accosted the
actor in these words: "Lookee, Mr. Ranter; I know you possess all
the mimicry and mischievous qualities of an ape, because I have
observed you put them all in practice more than once to-night, on
me and others; now I want to see if you resemble one in nimbleness
also; therefore, I desire you leap over this sword without hesitation."
So saying, I held it parallel to the horizon, at the distance of
about three feet from the floor, and called, " Once-twice-thrice--and
away!" but, instead of complying with my demand, he snatched his
hat and hanger, and, assuming the looks, swagger, and phrase of
Pistol, burst out into the following exclamation, "Ha! must I then
perform inglorious prank of sylvan ape in mountain forest caught!
Death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days, and lay my head in
fury's lap--Have we not Hiren here?" This buffoonery did not answer
his expectation, for, by this time, the company was bent on seeing
him in a new character. Mr. Banter desired me to hold my sword a
foot or two higher, that he might have the better opportunity of
exerting himself. The painter told him, if he performed well, he
would recommend him as a vaulter to the proprietors of Sadler's
Wells; and Bragwell crying, "Leap for the King!" applied the point
of his sword to the player's posteriors with such success, that he
sprang over in a trice, and, finding the door unguarded, vanished
in a twinkling; glad, no doubt, of having paid his share of the
reckoning so easily.

It being now near two o'clock in the morning, we discharged
the bill, and sallied out into the street. The painter slunk away
without taking his leave. Billy Chatter, being unable to speak or
stand, was sent to a bagnio; and Banter and I accompanied Bragwell
to Moll King's coffee-house, where after he had kicked half a
dozen hungry whores, we left him asleep on a bench, and directed
our course towards Charing-cross, near which place both he and I
lodged.

The natural dryness of my companion being overcome by liquor, he
honoured me by the way with many compliments and professions, of
friendship, for which I made suitable acknowledgments, and told
him I thought myself happy in having, by my behaviour, removed the
unfavourable opinion he entertained of me at first sight. He was
surprised at this declaration, and begged me to explain myself; upon
which I mentioned what I had overheard him say of me to Wagtail in
the coffee-house. He laughed, and made an apology for his freedom,
assuring me, that my appearance had very much prepossessed him
in my favour; and what he said was only intended as a joke on the
doctor's solemnity. I was highly pleased at being undeceived in
this particular, and not a little proud of the good opinion of this
wit, who shook me by the hand at parting, and promised to meet me
the next day at the ordinary.





CHAPTER XLVII




Strap communicates to me a conquest he had made of a Chandler's
Widow--finds himself miserably mistaken--I go to the Opera--admire
Melinda--am cautioned by Banter--go to the Assembly at Hampstead--dance
with that young lady--receive an insolent message from Bragwell,
whose mettle is soon cooled--am in favour with my Mistress, whom I
visit next day, and am bubbled out of eighteen guineas at cards--Strap
triumphs at my success, but is astonished at my expense--Banter
comes to my lodging, is very sarcastic at my expense, and borrows
five guineas from me, as a proof of his friendship


In the morning, before I got up, Strap came into my chamber, and,
finding me awake, hemmed several times, scratched his head, cast
his eyes upon the ground, and, with a very foolish kind of simper
upon his face gave me to understand he had something to communicate.
"By your countenance," said I, "I expect to hear good tidings."
"Indifferently," replied he, tittering, "that is, hereafter as
it shall be. You must know, I have some thoughts of altering my
condition." "What!" cried I, astonished, "a matrimonial scheme? O
rare Strap! thou hast got the heels of me at last." "N--no less,
I assure you," said he, bursting into a laugh of self-approbation:
" a tallow chandler's widow that lives hard by, has taken a liking
to me, a fine jolly dame, as plump as a partridge. She has a
well-furnished house, a brisk trade, and a good deal of the ready.
I may have her for the asking. She told a friend of mine, a brother
footman, that she would take me out of a stinking clout. But I
refused to give my final answer, till I knew your opinion of the
matter." I congratulated Monsieur d'Estrapes upon his conquest,
and approved of the scheme, provided he could be assured of those
circumstances of her fortune; but advised him to do nothing rashly,
and give me an opportunity of seeing the lady before matters should
be brought to a conclusion. He assured me he would do nothing without
my consent and approbation, and that very morning, while I was at
breakfast, introduce his inamorata to my acquaintance. She was a
short thick woman, about the age of thirty-six, and had a particular
prominence of belly, which I perceived at first sight, not without
some suspicion of foul play. I desired her, however, to sit, and
treated her with a dish of tea; the discourse turning on the good
qualities of Strap, whom I represented as a prodigy of sobriety,
industry and virtue. When she took her leave, he followed her to the
door, and returned licking his lips, and asking if I did not think
she was a luscious creature. I made no mystery of my apprehension,
but declared my sentiments of her without reserve; at which he was
not surprised, telling me he had observed the same symptom, but
was informed by his friend that she was only livergrown and would
in few months be as small in the waist as ever. " Yes," said I,
"a few weeks, I believe, will do the business. In short, Strap,
it is my opinion, that you are egregiously imposed upon; and that
this friend is no other than a rascal who wants to palm his trull
upon you for a wife, that he may at once deliver himself from the
importunities of the mother and the expense of her bantling; for
which reason I would not have you trust implicitly to the report
he makes of her wealth, which is inconsistent with his behaviour,
nor run your head precipitately into a noose, that you may afterwards
wish exchanged for the hangman's." He seemed very much startled
at my insinuation, and promised to look twice before he leaped;
saying, with some heat, "Odds, if I find his intention is to betray
me, we shall see which of us is the better man." My prediction was
verified in less than a fortnight, her great belly producing an
infant, to the unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was before this
happened, inclinable to believe I had refined a little too much in
my penetration. His false friend disappeared; and a few days after
an execution was issued against her goods and household furniture,
which were seized by the creditors.

Meanwhile I met my friend Banter at the ordinary, and in the evening
went to the Opera with him and Mr Chatter, who pointed out Melinda
in one of the boxes, and offered to introduce me to her, observing
at the same time, that she was a reigning toast worth ten thousand
pounds. This piece of information made my heart bound with joy, and
I discovered great eagerness to accept the proposal; upon which he
assured me I should dance with her at the next assembly, if he had
any influence in that quarter: so saying, he went round, spoke to
her some minutes, and, as I imagined, pointed at me; then returning,
told me, to my inexpressible pleasure, that I might depend upon
what he had promised, for she was now engaged as my partner. Banter
in a whisper, gave me to understand that she was an incorrigible
coquette, who would grant the same favour to any young fellow in
England of a tolerable appearance, merely to engage him among the
herd of her admirers, that she might have the pleasure of seeing
them daily increase; that she was of a cold insensible disposition,
dead to every passion but vanity, and so blind to merit, that he
would lay any wager the wealthiest fool would carry her at last. I
attributed a good deal of this intelligence to the satirical turn
of my friend, or resentment for having himself suffered a rebuff
from the lady in question. and, at any rate, trusted so much to my
own accomplishments as to believe no woman could resist the ardour
of my addresses.

Full of this confidence I repaired to Hampstead in company with
Billy Chatter, my Lord Hobble, and Doctor Wagtail. There I saw a very
brilliant assembly, before whom I had the honour to walk a minuet
with Melinda, who charmed me with her frank manner and easiness of
behaviour. Before the country dances began, I received a message by
a person I did not know from Bragwell, who was present, importing
that nobody who knew him presumed to dance with Melinda while he
was there in person, that I would do well to relinquish her without
noise, because he had a mind to lead up a country dance with her.
This extraordinary intimation, which was delivered in the lady's
hearing, did not at all discompose me, who, by this time, was
pretty well acquainted with the character of my rival. I therefore,
without the least symptom of concern bade the gentleman tell Mr.
Bragwell, that since I was so happy as to obtain the lady's consent,
I should not be solicitous about his; and desired the bearer himself
to bring me no such impertinent messages for the future. Melinda,
affected a sort of confusion, and pretended to wonder that Mr.
Bragwell should give himself such liberties with regard to her, who
had no manner of connection with the fellow. I laid hold of this
opportunity to display my valour, and offered to call him to an
account for his insolence, a proposal which she absolutely refused,
under pretence of consulting my safety; though I could perceive, by
the sparkling of her eyes, that she would not have thought herself
affronted by being the subject of a duel. I was by no means pleased
with this discovery of her thoughts, which not only argued the most
unjustifiable vanity, but likewise the most barbarous indifference;
however, I was allured by her fortune, and resolved to gratify her
pride, in making her the occasion of a public quarrel between me
and Bragwell, who, I was pretty certain, would never drive matters
to a dangerous extremity.

While we danced together, I observed this formidable rival at one
end of the room, encircled with a cluster of beaux, to whom he
talked with great vehemence, casting many big looks at me from time
to time. I guessed the subject of his discourse, and as soon as I
had handed my partner to her seat, strutted up to the place where
he stood, and, cocking my hat in his face, demanded aloud, if he
had anything to say to me. He answered with a sullen tone, "Nothing,
at present, sir;" and turned about upon his heel. "Well," said I,
"you where I am to be found at any time." His companions stared at
one another, and I returned to the lady, whose features brightened
at my approach, and immediately a whisper ran through the whole
room; after which so many eyes were turned upon me that I was ready
to sink with confusion. When the ball broke up, I led her to her
coach, and, like a true French gallant, would have got up behind
it, in order to protect her from violence on the road, but she
absolutely refused my offer, and expressed her concern that there
was not an empty seat for me within the vehicle.

Next day, in the afternoon, I waited on her at her lodgings, by
permission, in company with Chatter, and was very civilly received
by her mother, with whom she lived. There were a good many fashionable
people present, chiefly young fellows, and immediately after tea,
a couple of card tables were set, at one of which I had the honour
to play with Melinda, who in less than three hours, made shift to
plunder me of eight guineas. I was well enough content to lose a
little money with a good grace, that I might have an opportunity
in the meantime to say soft things, which are still most welcome
when attended with good luck; but I was by no means satisfied of
her fair play, a circumstance that shocked me not a little, and
greatly impaired my opinion of her disinterestedness and delicacy.
However, I was resolved to profit by this behaviour, and treat her
in my turn with less ceremony; accordingly, I laid close siege to
her, and, finding her not at all disgusted with the gross incense
I offered, that very night made a declaration of love in plain
terms. She received my addresses with great gaiety, and pretended
to laugh them off, but at the same time treated me with such
particular complacency that I was persuaded I had made a conquest
of her heart, and concluded myself the happiest man alive.  Elevated
with these flattering ideas, I sat down again to cards after supper,
and with great cheerfulness suffered myself to be cheated of ten
guineas more.

It was late before I took my leave, after being favoured with
a general invitation; and, when I got into bed, the adventures of
the day hindered me from sleeping. Sometimes I pleased myself with
the hopes of possessing n fine woman with ten thousand pounds; then
I would ruminate on the character I had heard of her from Banter,
and compare it with the circumstances of her conduct towards me,
which seemed to bear too great a resemblance to the picture he had
drawn.  This introduced a melancholy reflection on the expense I
had undergone, and the smallness of my funds to support it, which,
by-the-by, were none of my own. In short, I found myself involved
in doubts and perplexities, that kept me awake the greatest part
of the night.

In the morning, Strap, with whom I had not conversed for two days,
presented himself with the utensils for shaving me; upon which, I
asked his opinion of the lady he had seen me conduct to her coach
at Hampstead. "Odds! she's a delicious creature!" cried he, "and,
as I am informed, a great fortune. I am sorry you did not insist on
going home with her. I dare say, she would not have refused your
company; for she seems to be a good-humoured soul." "There's a time
for all things," said I. "you must know, Strap, I was in company
with her till one o'clock this morning." I had no sooner pronounced
these words than he began to caper about the room, and snap
his fingers, crying in a transport, "The day's our own--the day's
our own!" I gave him to understand that his triumph was a little
premature, and that I had more difficulties to surmount than he was
aware of; then I recounted to him the intelligence I had received
from Banter. At which he changed colour, shook his head, and observed
there was no faith in woman. I told him I was resolved to make a
bold push notwithstanding, although I foresaw it would lead me into
a great expense; and bade him guess the sum I had lost last night
at cards.  He scratched his chin, and protested his abhorrence of
cards, the very name of which being mentioned, made him sweat with
vexation, as it recalled the money-dropper to his remembrance. "But,
however," said he, "you have to do with other guess people now.
Why, I suppose, if you had a bad run last night, you would scarce
come off for less than ten or twelve shilling." I was mortified at
this piece of simplicity, which I imagined, at that time, was all
affected by way of reprimand for my folly; and asked with some heat
if he thought I had spent the evening in a cellar with chairmen
and bunters; giving him to know, at the same time, that my expense
had amounted to eighteen guineas.

It would require the pencil of Hogarth to express the astonishment
and concern of Strap on hearing this piece of news; the basin, in
which he was preparing the lather for my chin, dropped out of his
hands, and he I remained some time immovable in that ludicrous
attitude, with his mouth open, and his eyes thrust forward considerably
beyond their station; but, remembering my disposition, which was
touchy, and impatient of control, he smothered his chagrin, and
attempted to recollect himself. With this view he endeavoured to
laugh, but in spite if his teeth, broke out in a whimper, took up
his wash-ball and pewter-pot, scrubbed my beard with the one, and
discharged the other upon my face. I took no notice of this confusion,
but after he had fully recovered himself, put him in mind of his
right, and assured him of my readiness to surrender my effects
whenever he should think proper to demand them.  He was nettled
at my insinuation, which he thought proceeded from my distrust of
his friendship; and begged I would never talk to him in that strain
again, unless I had a mind to break his heart.

This good creature's unalterable friendship for me affected me with
the most grateful sentiments, and acted as a spur to my resolution
of acquiring a fortune, that I might have it in my power to manifest
my generosity in my turn. For this purpose, I determined to bring
matters to a speedy conclusion with Melinda; well knowing that a
few such nights as the last would effectually incapacitate me from
prosecuting that or any other advantageous amour.

While my meditation was busied in planning out my future conduct,
Mr. Banter favoured me with a visit, and after breakfast asked how
I had passed the preceding evening. I answered I was very agreeably
entertained at a private house. "Yes," said he, with a sarcastic
smile, "you deserve something extraordinary for the price you paid."
I was surprised at this remark, and pretended ignorance of his
meaning. "Come, come, Mr. Random," continued he, "you need not make
a mystery of it to me; the whole town has it. I wish that foolish
affair between you and Bragwell at Hampstead had been less public.
It has set all the busybodies at work to find out your real character
and situation; and you cannot imagine what conjectures have already
circulated at your expense. One suspects you to be a Jesuit in
disguise; another thinks you are an agent from the Pretender; a
third believes you to be an upstart gamester, because nobody knows
anything of your family or fortune; a fourth is of opinion that
you are an Irish fortune-hunter." This last hypothesis touched me
so nearly that, to conceal my confusion, I was fain to interrupt
his detail, and damn the world for an envious meddling community,
that would not suffer a gentleman to live without molestation. He
took no notice of this apostrophe, but went on. "For my own part,
I neither know nor desire to know who or what you are. This I
am certain of, that few people make a mystery of their origin or
situation, who can boast of anything advantageous in either; and
my own opinion of the matter is that you have raised yourself, by
your industry, from nothing to the appearance you now maintain, and
which you endeavour to support by some matrimonial scheme." Here he
fixed his eyes steadfastly upon me and perceiving my face covered
with blushes, told me, how he was confirmed in his opinion. "Look
ye, Random," said he, "I have divined your plan, and am confident
it will never succeed. You are too honest and too ignorant of
the town to practise the necessary cheats of your profession, and
detect the conspiracies that will be formed against you. Besides,
you are downright bashful. What the devil! set up for a fortune
hunter before you have conquered the sense of shame!  Perhaps you
are entitled by your merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and
a better wife than Melinda; but take my word for it, she is not
to be won at that rate;--or, if you are so lucky as to carry her,
between you and me, you may say, as Teague said, By my soul, I
have gained a loss! She would take care to spend her fortune in a
twinkling, and soon make you sick of her extravagance."

I was alarmed by his discourse, while I resented the freedom of
it, and expressed my disgust by telling him, he was mistaken in
my intentions, and desiring he would give me leave to regulate my
conduct according to the dictates of my own reason. He made no apology
for the liberty he had taken, and ascribed it to the warmth of his
friendship for me; as an uncommon instance of which he borrowed
five guineas, assuring me there were very few people in the world
who whom he could so far favour with his confidence. I gave him
the money, and professed myself so well convinced of his sincerity,
that he had no occasion to put it to such extraordinary proofs for
the future. "I thought," said he, "to have asked five pieces more,
but hearing you were bubbled of eighteen last night, I presumed you
might he out of cash, and resolved to model my demand accordingly."
I could not help admiring the cavalier behaviour of this spark,
of whom I desired to know his reason for saying I was bubbled. He
then gave me to understand, that before he came to my lodgings,
he had beat up Tom Tossle, who, being present, informed him of the
particulars, rehearsed all the fine things I said to Melinda, with
which he proposed to entertain the town, and among other circumstances,
assured him my mistress cheated with so little art, that nobody
but a mere novice could be imposed upon.

The thoughts of becoming a subject of raillery for coxcombs, and
losing my money to boot, stung me to the quick; but I made a virtue
of my indignation, and swore that no man should with impunity either
asperse the character of Melinda, or turn my behaviour into ridicule.
He replied in a dry manner, that I would find it a Herculean task
to chastise everybody who should laugh at my expense; and, as for
the character of Melinda, he did not see how it could suffer by
what was laid to her charge; for that cheating at cards, far from
being reckoned a blemish among people of fashion, was looked upon
as an honourable indication of superior genius and address. "But
let us waive this subject," said he, "and go to the coffee-house,
in order to make a party for dinner."




CHAFTER XLVIII



We repair to the coffee-house, where we overhear a curious dispute
between Wagtail and Medlar, which is referred to our decision--the
Doctor gives an account of his experiment--Medlar is roasted by
Banter at the ordinary--the old gentleman's advice to me


Being as willing to drop the theme as he was to propose it, I
accompanied him thither, where we found Mr. Medlar and Dr. Wagtail
disputing upon the word Custard, which the physician affirmed
should be spelt with a G, observing that it was derived from the
Latin verb gustare, "to taste;" but Medlar pleaded custom in behalf
of C, observing, that, by the Doctor's rule, we ought to change
pudding into budding, because it is derived from the French word
boudin; and in that case why not retain the original orthography
and pronunciation of all the foreign words we have adopted, by
which means our language would become a dissonant jargon without
standard or propriety? The controversy was referred to us; and
Banter, notwithstanding his real opinion to the contrary, decided
it in favour of Wagtail; upon which the peevish annuitant arose,
and uttering the monosyllable pish! with great emphasis, removed
to another table.

We then inquired of the doctor, what progress he had made in the
experiment of distilling tinder-water; and he told us he had been
at all the glass-houses about town, but could find nobody who would
undertake to blow a retort large enough to hold the third part of
the quantity prescribed; but he intended to try the process on as
much as would produce five drops, which would be sufficient to prove
the specific, and then he would make it a parliamentary affair;
that he had already purchased a considerable weight of rags, in
reducing which to tinder, he had met with a misfortune, which had
obliged him to change his lodgings; for he had gathered them in
a heap on the floor, and set fire to them with a candle, on the
supposition that the boards would sustain no damage, because it
is the nature of flame to ascend; but, by some very extraordinary
accident, the wood was invaded, and began to blaze with great
violence, which disordered him so much, that he had not the presence
of mind enough to call for assistance, and the whole house must
have been consumed with him in the midst of it, had not the smoke
that rolled out of the windows in clouds alarmed the neighbourhood,
and brought people to his succour: that he had lost a pair of black
velvet breeches and a tie-wig in the hurry, besides the expense of
the rags, which were rendered useless by the water used to quench
the flame, and the damage of the floor, which he was compelled to
repair; that his landlord, believing him distracted, had insisted on
his quitting his apartment at a minute's warning, and he was put to
incredible inconvenience; but now he was settled in a very comfortable
house, and had the use of a large paved yard for preparing his
tinder; so that he hoped in a very short time to reap the fruits
of his labour.

After having congratulated the doctor on his prospect, and read the
papers, we repaired to an auction of pictures, where we entertained
ourselves an hour or two; from thence we adjourned to the Mall,
and, after two or three turns, went back to dinner, Banter assuring
us, that he intended to roast Medlar at the ordinary; and, indeed,
we were no sooner set than this cynic began to execute his purpose,
by telling the old gentleman that he looked extremely well,
considering the little sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this
compliment Medlar made no reply, but by a stare, accompanied with
a significant grin; and Banter went on thus; "I don't know whether
most to admire the charity of your mind, or the vigour of your
body. Upon my soul, Mr. Medlar, you do generous things with the
best taste of any man I know! You extend your compassion to real
objects, and exact only such returns as they are capable of making.
You must know, gentlemen," said he, turning to the company, "I had
been up most part of the night with a friend who is ill of a fever,
and, on my return home this morning, chanced to pass by a gin shop
still open, whence issued a confused sound of mirth and jollity:
upon which, I popped in my head, and perceived Mr. Medlar dancing
bareheaded in the midst of ten or twenty ragged bunters, who rejoiced
at his expense. But indeed, Mr. Medlar, you should not sacrifice
your constitution to your benevolence. Consider, you grow old
apace; and, therefore, have a reverend care of your health, which
must certainly be very much impaired by these nocturnal expeditions."
The testy senior could no longer contain himself, but cried hastily,
"'Tis well known that your tongue is no slanderer." "I think,"
said the other, " you might spare that observation, as you are
very sensible, that my tongue has done you signal service on many
occasions. You may remember, that, when you made your addresses
to the fat widow who kept a public-house at Islington, there was
a report spread very much to the prejudice of your manhood, which
coming to the ears of your mistress, you were discarded immediately:
and I brought matters to a reconciliation, by assuring her you had
three bastards at nurse in the country. How you ruined your own
affair afterwards, it is neither my business nor inclination to
relate."

This anecdote, which had no other foundation than in Banter's own
invention, afforded a good deal of mirth to everybody present,
and provoked Mr. Medlar beyond all sufferance; so that he started
up in a mighty passion, and, forgetting that his mouth was full,
bespattered those who sat next to him, while he discharged his
indignation in a volley of oaths, and called Banter insignificant
puppy, impertinent jackanapes, and a hundred such appellations;
telling the company he had invented these false and malicious
aspersions, because he would not lend him money to squander away
upon rooks and whores. "A very likely story," said Banter, "that I
should attempt to borrow money of a man who is obliged to practise
a thousand shifts to make his weekly allowance hold out till Saturday
night. Sometimes he sleeps four-and-twenty hours at a stretch, by
which means he saves three meals, besides coffee-house expense.
Sometimes he is fain to put up with bread and cheese and small beer
for dinner; and sometimes he regales on twopennyworth of ox cheek
in a cellar." "You are a lying miscreant!" cried Medlar, in an
ecstacy of rage; "I can always command money enough to pay your
tailor's bill, which I am sure is no trifle; and I have a good mind
to give you a convincing proof of my circumstances, by prosecuting
you for defamation, sirrah." By this time the violence of his
wrath had deprived him of his appetite, and he sat silent, unable
to swallow one mouthful, while his tormentor enjoyed his mortification,
and increased his chagrin, by advising him to lay in plentifully
for his next day's fast.

Dinner being ended, we came down stairs to the coffee room, and
Banter went away to keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he should
see Wagtail and me in the evening at the Bedford Coffee-house. He
was no sooner gone than the old gentleman took me aside, and said,
he was sorry to see me so intimate with that fellow, who was one of
the most graceless rakes about town, and had already wasted a good
estate and constitution upon harlots; that he had been the ruin
of many a young man, by introducing them into debauched company,
and setting a lewd example of all manner of wickedness; and that,
unless I were on my guard, he would strip me in a short time both
of my money and reputation. I thanked him for his information,
and promised to conduct myself accordingly, wishing, however, his
caution had been a few hours more early, by which means I might
have saved five guineas. Notwithstanding this intelligence, I was
inclinable to impute some part of the charge to Medlar's revenge
for the liberties taken with him at dinner; and therefore, as soon
as I could disengage myself, applied to Wagtail for his opinion
of the character in question, resolved to compare their accounts,
allowing for the prejudice of each, and to form my judgment upon
both, without adhering strictly to either. The doctor assured me,
that he was a very pretty gentleman of family and fortune; a scholar,
a wit, a critic, and perfectly well acquainted with the town; that
his honour and courage were unquestionable, though some extravagances
he had been guilty of, and his talents for satire had procured him
enemies, and made some people shy of his acquaintance. From these
different sketches, I concluded that Banter was a young fellow of
some parts, who had spent his fortune, but retained his appetites,
and fallen out with the world, because he could not enjoy it to
his wish.

I went to the Bedford Coffee-house in the evening, where I met my
friends, from thence proceeded to the play, and afterwards carried
them home to my lodgings, where we supped in great good humour.





CHAPTER XLIX




I receive a Challenge--the Consequence of it--the Quarrel being
made up, am put in Arrest by the Care and Affection of Strap--but
immediately released upon explaining my Affair--the Behaviour of
Mr.  Oregan and his two Friends--I visit Melinda, whom I divert
with an account of the Duel--propose Marriage--she refers the Matter
to her Mother, of whom I make a solemn Demand of her Daughter--the
old Lady's behaviour--I am discarded---resent their Disdain


When I was ready to go abroad next day, Strap brought me a letter,
To Mr. Random, Esq., these; which, upon opening, I found contained
a challenge conceived in these very extraordinary terms:

    "Sir,--Whereas I am informed that you make love to Miss Melinda
    Goosetrap, this is to let you know that she is under promise of
    marriage to me; and that I am at this present waiting at the back
    of Montague House, with a pair of good pistols in my hand; and if
    you will keep your appointment, I will make your tongue confess
    (after the breath is out of your body) that you do not deserve her
    so well as
               Yours, etc.       Rourk Oregan."

I guessed, from the style and superscription of this billet, that
my rival was a true Milesian, and was not a little uneasy at the
contents; especially that part, in which he asserted his right
to my mistress by promise, a circumstance I did not not know how
to reconcile to her good sense and penetration. However, this was
no time for me to decline the defiance, because the success of my
addresses in a great measure depended upon my behaviour in that
affair. I therefore immediately loaded my pistols, and betook myself
in a hackney coach to the place appointed, where I found a tall
raw-boned man, with a hard-featured countenance and black bushy beard,
walking by himself, wrapped up in a shabby green coat, over which
his own hair descended in leathern queue from his head, that was
covered with a greasy hat trimmed with a tarnished pointe d'Espagne.
He had no sooner perceived me advancing than he pulled a pistol
from his bosom, and, presenting it at me, snapped it without the
least preamble. Alarmed at this rude salutation, I made a stand,
and, before he could adjust his other piece, fired one of mine
at him, without doing any damage, By this time he was ready with
his second, that flashed in the pan without going off; upon which
he called, with a true Tipperary cadence, "Fire away, honey!" and
began to hammer his flint with great deliberation. But I was resolved
to make use of the advantage fortune had given me, and therefore
stepped up without throwing away my fire, desiring him to ask his
life, or prepare for another world; but this stout Hibernian refused
to condescend, and complained bitterly of my having quitted my
ground before he could return my shot: saying I ought to go back to
my station, and let him have an equal chance with me. I endeavoured
to persuade him that I had given him a double chance already: and
it was my business to prevent him from enjoying a third; but now,
since I had an opportunity, I demanded a parley, and desired to
know his condition and reason for calling me to the field, who, to
the best of my remembrance, far from having done him any injury,
had never before seen him. He told me that he was a gentleman of
fortune, who had spent all he had, and, hearing that Melinda had
got ten thousand pounds, he intended to make himself master of that
sum by espousing her, and he was determined, in an honourable way,
to cut the throats of all those who stood between him and his hopes.

I then demanded to know the foundation of his hopes; and now that
I had seen him, being more and more astonished at the circumstance
of the promise, desired that he would explain that mystery. He
gave me to understand, that he trusted entirely to his birth and
personal merit; that he had frequently written to Melinda, setting
forth his claim and pretensions, but she was never kind enough to
send an answer, or even to admit him into her presence; and that
the promise he mentioned in his letter was made by his friend Mr.
Gahagan, who assured him that no woman could resist a man of his
appearance. I could not forbear laughing to excess at the simplicity
of my rival, who did not seem to relish my mirth, but began to be
very serious: upon which I endeavoured to appease him, by giving
him my word and honour that, far from prejudicing his addresses
to the lady, I would represent him to her in the most favourable
light I could with any regard to truth; but he must not be surprised
if she should remain blind to his deserts, for nothing was more
capricious than a woman's mind, and the affection of that sex was
seldom purchased with virtue alone. That my declaration might have
the better effect, I took notice of his deshabille, and, professing
sorrow at seeing a gentleman reduced, slipped two guineas into his
hand, at sight of which he threw away his pistols, and hugging me
in his arms, cried, "Arrah, by Jasus, now, you are the best friend
I have met with these seven long years!" When I had suffered some
minutes in his embrace, he quitted me, and picking up his rusty
arms, wished the devil might burn him if ever he should give me
any further trouble about womankind.

The quarrel being thus amicably composed, I begged leave to look
at his pistols, which I found so crazy and so foul, that I believe
it was happy for him neither of them was discharged, for one of them
would certainly have split in the going off, and he would, in all
probability, have lost his hand in the explosion; but what gave me
a lively idea of the man's character was, to find, upon examination,
that one of them had been loaded without being primed, and the
other primed without a charge.

While we walked home together, I expressed a desire of knowing my
new friend's history; and he informed me of his having served in the
German army as a volunteer against the Turks; that for his behaviour
at the siege of Belgrade, he had been honoured with an ensign's
commission, and afterwards promoted to the rank of lieutenant, in
which station it was his misfortune to affront his captain, who
challenged him to the field, and was killed in the duel, upon which
he was obliged to retreat; that he had been in England some years
soliciting his friends for provision in the British army; but
being hitherto unsuccessful, was desired by Mr. Gahagan to turn
his thoughts to matrimony, and make his fortune by an advantageous
match; in consequence of which advice, he had made up to Melinda:
and, having heard by means of an Irish footman in the family, that
I was her chief favourite, had called me out in hopes of removing
by my death the greatest obstruction to his desires; but now he
was convinced of my honour and generosity, he swore by the blessed
Virgin, he would think of her no more, if there were not another
woman in the world. As a further proof of his veracity, which I
did not at all doubt, he opened an old iron snuff-box, and pulled
out his commission in the Imperial army, and his captain's challenge,
which he preserved as testimonials of his character. I was so well
convinced of this poor man's honesty and courage, that I determined
to speak in his behalf to some of my acquaintance, who might recommend
his case to the consideration of those who could provide for him;
and in the meantime to accommodate him with a few clothes, by which
his appearance would be much mended, and himself enabled to renew
his solicitations in person.

As we walked along conversing socially together, we were met by a
file of musketeers, and Strap at their head, who no sooner approached
than, with a frantic look, he cried, "Seize them! In the name of
God seize them!" We were accordingly surrounded, and I put in arrest
by the corporal, who was commanding officer; but Captain Oregan
disengaged himself, and ran with such speed towards Tottenham Court
Road that he was out of sight in a moment. When my arms were delivered
up, and myself secured, Strap became a little more composed, and
asked pardon for the liberty he had taken, which he hoped I would
excuse, as it proceeded from his affection. He then told me that,
suspecting the letter (which by the by was brought by the author
himself) contained something extraordinary, he had peeped through
the keyhole, and seen me load my pistols; upon which he ran down
to Whitehall, and applied to the officer on guard for a party to
put me in arrest, but before he returned, I was gone in a coach;
that he had inquired which way I went, and, having heard that duels
were commonly fought at the back of Montague House, he conducted
the guard to this place, where he thanked God for having found me
safe and sound. I gave him to understand that I forgave his officious
concern for once, but cautioned him in pretty severe terms for
making me the subject of idle conversation for the future; then
turning to the corporal, thanked him for his care, and gave him a
crown to drink with his men, assuring him that the rencontre was
over long before he came up, and everything compromised, as he
might have observed by our behaviour; as a farther proof of which,
he would find upon examination that one of my pistols had been
discharged: but this civil person, without giving himself or me
any farther trouble, received the bounty with a thousand bows and
acknowledgments, and, returning the pistols, released me immediately.

He was not gone a hundred yards, when my friend Oregan came up in
order to rescue me, with two tatterdemalions, whom he had engaged
for that purpose about the purlieus of St. Giles's. One of them was
armed with a musket that wanted a lock, and another with a rusty
broadsword, but their dress surpassed all description. When he understood
I was already free. he made an apology for his abrupt departure,
and introduced me to his two companions: First, to Counsellor
Fitzclabber, who, he told me, was then employed in compiling a
history of the kings of Minster, from Irish manuscripts; and then
to his friend Mr. Gahagan, who was a profound philosopher and
politician, and had projected many excellent schemes for the good
of his country. But it seems these literati had been very ill
rewarded for their ingenious labours; for, between them both, there
was but one shirt, and half a pair of breeches. I thanked them
very kindly for their readiness to assist me, and, having offered
my service in my turn, bade them good morrow, desiring Oregan to
accompany me to my lodgings, where he was fitted with decent clothes
from my wardrobe, so much to his satisfaction, that he swore eternal
gratitude and friendship to me, and, at my request, recounted all
the adventures of his life.

In the afternoon, I waited on Melinda, who received me with great
kindness and familiarity, and laughed excessively at my adventure
with the Irishman, to whose wishes she was no stranger, having
more than a dozen letters in her possession, which he had written
to her on the subject of love, and which, for my entertainment, she
submitted to my perusal. Having made ourselves merry at the expense
of this poor admirer, I seized the opportunity of her mother's going
out of the room, and introduced my own passion, which I recommended
to her with all the ardour and eloquence I was master of. I flattered,
sighed, swore, entreated, and acted a thousand extravagancies,
in hopes of making some impression on her heart; but she heard
everything I said without discovering the least emotion; and other
company came in before she would vouchsafe one serious reply. After
tea, the cards were brought in according to custom, and it was my
good fortune to have Melinda for my partner; by which means, instead
of losing, I came off with five guineas clear gain.

I soon became acquainted with a good many people of fashion, and
spent my time in the modish diversions of the town, such as plays,
operas, masquerades, drums, assemblies, and muppet-shows; chiefly
in company with Melinda, whom I cultivated with all the eagerness
and address that my prospect could inspire, and my education afford.
I spared neither my person nor my purse to gratify her vanity and
pride; my rivals were intimidated, and indeed outshone; and, after
all, I began to fear that the dear creature had not a heart to
lose.

At last, finding myself unable to support the expense of this amour
much longer, I was determined to bring the matter to a crisis; and
one evening, while we were together by ourselves, complained of
her indifference, described the tortures of suspense to a love-sick
mind, and pressed her to disclose her sentiments of matrimony and
me with such earnestness, that she could not, with all her art,
shift the subject, but was obliged to come to an eclaircissement.
She told me, with a careless air, that she had no objection to my
person, and if I could satisfy her mother in other particulars, I
should not find her averse to the match; but she was resolved to do
nothing in such a momentous concern without the advice and consent
of her parent. This was no very agreeable declaration to me, whose
aim had been to win her inclination first, and then secure my
conquest by a private marriage, to which I flattered myself she
would express no reluctance. That I might not, however, desert my
cause before it was desperate, I waited on her mother; and, with
great formality, demanded the daughter in marriage. The good lady,
who was a very notable woman, behaved with great state and civility;
thanked me for the honour I intended her family; and said, she
did not doubt that I was in all respects qualified to make a woman
happy; but it concerned her as a parent anxious about the welfare
of her child, to inquire into the particulars of my fortune, and
know what settlement I proposed to make. To this intimation, which
would have utterly disconcerted me if I had not expected it, I
replied, without hesitation that, though my fortune was very small, I
was a gentleman by birth and education, would maintain her daughter
in the sphere of a gentlewoman, and settle her own dowry on her and
her heirs for ever. This careful matron did not seem to relish my
proposal, but observed, w h a demure countenance, that there was
no necessity for settling that upon her child which was her own
already; however, if I pleased, her lawyer should confer with mine
upon the matter; and, in the meantime, she desired I would favour
her with a perusal of my rent-roll. Notwithstanding the vexation
I was under, I could scarce forbear laughing in her face at the
mention of my rent-roll, which was indeed a severe piece of satire
upon my pretensions. I frankly owned I had no landed estate; and
told her that I could not exactly specify the sum I was master of,
until I had regulated my affairs, which were at present in some
disorder; but that I would take an opportunity of satisfying her
on that head very soon.

It was not long before I took my leave, and returned to my lodgings
in a very melancholy mood, persuaded that I had nothing more
to expect from that quarter. I was confirmed in this opinion next
day, when I went back with a view of explaining myself more fully
to the old gentlewoman; and was told by the footman that his ladies
were not at home, although I had seen Melinda through the blinds
at a parlour window, as I went up to the door. Incensed at this
affront, I quitted the door without saying one word, and as I
repassed the parlour, bowed to Miss, who still remained in the same
situation, securely screened, as she thought, from my view.

This disappointment gave me more uneasiness on Strap's account
than my own, for I was in no danger of dying for love of Melinda;
on the contrary, the remembrance of my charming Narcissa was a
continual check upon my conscience during the whole course of my
addresses; and perhaps contributed to the bad success of my scheme,
by controlling my raptures and condemning my design.

There was a necessity for informing my companion of everything that
happened to me and I performed this piece of duty in an affected
passion, swearing I would be his pack-horse no longer, and desiring
him to take the management of his affairs into his own hands. This
finesse had the desired effect, for, instead of grumbling over my
miscarriage, Strap was frightened at the passion I feigned, and
begged me, for the love of God, to be appeased; observing that,
although we had suffered a great loss, it was not irreparable;
and if Fortune frowned to day, she might perhaps smile to-morrow.
I pretended to acquiesce in his remarks, praise his equanimity, and
promised to improve my misfortune. He, on the other hand, pretended
to be perfectly well satisfied with my conduct, and conjured me
to follow the dictates of my own reflection; but, in spite of all
his affectation, I could perceive his inward affliction, and his
visage sensibly increased in longitude from that day.





CHAPTER L




I long to be revenged on Melinda--apply to Banter for his Assistance--he
contrives a scheme for that purpose--which is put in Execution with
great Success--I make an Attempt upon the Heart of Miss Gripewell,
but am disappointed--grow melancholy at my Disappointment, and have
recourse to the Bottle--receive a Billet-doux--am ravished with
the Contents--find myself involved in Intrigue, which I imagined
would make my Fortune--am confounded at my mistake, which banishes
all Thoughts of Matrimony


In the meantime, my attention was wholly engrossed in search of
another mistress, and the desire of being revenged on Melinda, in
both which schemes I was very much assisted by Billy Chatter, who
was such a necessary creature among the ladies, that in all private
dances he engaged the men. To him therefore I applied, desiring
he would introduce me to a partner of some figure, at the next
private assembly, for the sake of a frolic, the intention of which
I would afterwards communicate. Billy, who had heard something of
a difference between Melinda and me, immediately smoked part of my
design, and, thinking I only wanted to alarm her jealousy a little,
promised to gratify my desire, by matching me with a partner worth
thirty thousand pounds, whom the ladies of this end of the town had
lately taken under their management and protection. Upon further
inquiry, I found this person's name was Miss Biddy Gripewell; that
her father, who had been a pawnbroker, died intestate, by which
means all his substance descended to his daughter, who was so
little a favourite that, could the old man have prevailed with his
own rapacious disposition to part with as much money as would have
paid the expense of a will, she would not have inherited the sixth
part of his fortune; that during his life, far from being educated
in a way suitable to such great expectations, she was obliged to
live like a servant wench, and do the most menial offices in the
family.  But his funeral was no sooner performed, than she assumed
the fine lady, and found so many people of both sexes to flatter,
caress, and instruct her, that, for want of discretion and experience,
she was grown insufferably vain and arrogant, and pretended to no
less than a duke or earl at least for her husband; that she had the
misfortune to be neglected by the English quality, but a certain
poor Scottish lord was then making interest to be introduced to
her acquaintance.  In the meantime, she was fallen into the hands
of a notable lady, who had already disposed of her to a lieutenant
of foot, a distant relation of her ladyship's, though Miss as yet
knew nothing of the affair; and lastly that if I proposed to dance
with her, I must give him leave to represent me as a knight, or
foreign count at least. I was ravished at this piece of information,
and consented for one night, to personate a French marquis, that
I might the easier fulfil my revenge.

Having made the appointment with Chatter I went to Banter's lodgings,
as I had by this time conceived a great opinion of his penetration
and knowledge; and, after I had enjoined secrecy, told him every
circumstance of my disgrace with Melinda, and imparted the plan I
had projected to mortify that proud coquette, desiring his advice
in proving, and assistance in executing the scheme. Nothing could
be more agreeable to his misanthropical temper than an account
of her behaviour and my resentment: he applauded my resolution,
and proposed that I should not only provide myself with a proper
partner, but also procure such a one for Miss Goosetrap, as should
infallibly entail upon her the ridicule of all her acquaintance. For
this purpose he mentioned his barber who he said, was an exceeding
coxcomb lately come from Paris, whose absurd affectation and
grimace, would easily pass upon her for the sprightly politesse
of a gentleman improved by travel. I hugged him for this hint; and
he assured me it would be no difficult matter to make him believe,
that Melinda, having seen him by accident, was captivated by his
appearance, and begged for his acquaintance. He actually engaged him
on this pretence, and painted his good fortune in such colours that
the poor shaver was quite beside himself with joy. He was immediately
fitted with a tawdry suit of clothes belonging to Banter, and by
him recommended to Chatter as a very pretty fellow, just returned
from his travels. Master Billy, who acted as a gentleman usher to
a great many of the fair sex in and about town, undertook at once
to bespeak Melinda in his behalf; and everything happened according
to my wish.

At the time appointed I appeared dressed to the best advantage;
and, in the character of a Marquis, bad the honour of opening the
ball with the rich heiress, who attracted the eyes of the whole
company by the prodigious number of jewels with which she was adorned.
Among others I perceived Melinda, who could not more conceal her
envy than astonishment at my success; her curiosity was still more
flagrant and tormenting, for she had never seen Miss Gripewell
before; and Chatter, who alone could give her any satisfaction
on that head, was engaged in conversation at the other end of the
room. I observed her impatience, and exulted in her chagrin; and
after my partner was set, took the opportunity of passing by her
to make a slight bow without stopping, which completed my triumph
and her indignation.  She changed colour, bridled up, assumed an
air of disdain, and flirted her fan with such a fury, that it went
to pieces in a moment, to the no small entertainment of those who
sat near and observed her.

At length the metamorphosed barber took her out, and acted his
part with such ridiculous extravagance that the mirth of the whole
company was excited at his expense, and his partner was so much
ashamed that, before the country dances began, she retired in
great confusion, under pretence of being taken suddenly ill, and
was followed by her gallant, who no doubt imagined her indisposition
was nothing but love; and laid hold of the occasion of conducting
her home, to comfort her, with an assurance of his entertaining a
reciprocal passion. They were no sooner gone than an inquisitive
whisper of "Who is he?" ran round the room; and Chatter could give
them no other intelligence about him than that he was a man of
fortune just returned from his travels. I, who alone was acquainted
with his real quality, affected ignorance well knowing that female
curiosity would not rest satisfied with such a general account, and
that the discovery would proceed with a better grace from anybody
than me.

Meanwhile, I was tempted by the richness of the prize to practise
upon Miss Gripewell's heart, but soon found it too well fortified
with pride and indifference to yield to any efforts in my own
character, and I neither would nor could preserve the title I had
borrowed longer than that night.

As I expected, everything came to light next day. The barber, in
pure simplicity of heart, detected himself to Melinda, and discovered
the foundation of his hopes; she sickened at the affront, and
was ashamed to show her face in public for many weeks after this
accident. Poor Chatter found it impossible to justify himself to
her satisfaction; was in utter disgrace with Miss Gripewell, for
having imposed me upon her as a nobleman; and suffered very much
in his character and influence among the ladies in general.

Finding my finances diminished more than one-half, and my project
as little advanced as on the first day of my arrival in town, I
began to despair of my success, and grew melancholy at the prospect
of approaching want. To dispel the horrors of this fiend I had
recourse to the bottle, and kept more company than ever. I became
particularly attached to the playhouse, conversed with the actors
behind the scenes, grew acquainted with a body of templars, and in
a short time commenced a professed wit and critic. Indeed, I may
say, without vanity, that I was much better qualified than any one
of my companions, who were, generally speaking, of all the creatures
I ever conversed with, the most ignorant and assuming. By means of
these avocations I got the better of care, and learned to separate
my ideas in such a manner that, whenever I was attacked by a gloomy
reflection, I could shove it aside, and call in some agreeable
reverie to my assistance. This was not the case with Strap, who
practised a thousand shifts to conceal the sorrow that preyed upon
his carcass, and reduced him to the resemblance of a mere skeleton.

While I thus posted, in a thoughtless manner, towards poverty, I one
day received, by the penny post, a letter written in a woman's hand,
containing a great many high-flown compliments, warm protestations
of love, couched in a very poetical style, an earnest desire of
knowing whether or not my heart was engaged, by leaving an answer
at a certain place, directed to R. B., and the whole subscribed "Your
incognita." I was transported with joy on reading the contents of
this billet-doux, which I admired as a masterpiece of tenderness
and elegance, and was already up to my ears in love with the author,
whom my imagination represented as a lady of fortune, in the bloom
of youth and beauty. Elevated with this conjecture, I went to work,
and exhausted my invention in composing an answer suitable to the
sublimity of her style and the ardour of her sentiments. I expressed
my admiration of her wit in terms the most hyperbolical, and while
I acknowledged myself unworthy of her regard, declared myself enamoured
of her understanding; and in the most pathetic manner implored
the honour of an interview. Having finished this performance, and
communicated it to Strap, who skipped about for joy, I dispatched
him with it to the place appointed, which was the house of a milliner
not far from Bond Street, and desired him to keep watch near the
door for some time, that he might discover the person who should call
for it. In less than an hour he returned with a joyful countenance,
and told me that, soon after he had delivered the letter, a chairman
was called, to whom it was given, with directions to carry it to the
house of a rich gentleman in the neighbourhood, whither he (Strap)
followed him, and saw him put it into the hands of a waiting-woman,
who paid the messenger, and shut the door; that, upon inquiry at an
alehouse hard by, where he called for a pint of beer, he understood
the gentleman to whom the house belonged had an only daughter, very
handsome, who would inherit his whole estate; and who certainly was
the author of the billet I had received. I was of the same opinion,
and, hugging myself in the happy prospect, dressed immediately, and
passed in great state the house that contained my unknown admirer.
Nor was my vanity disappointed; for I perceived a beautiful young
creature standing at one of the windows of the dining-room, who, I
imagined, observed me with more than common curiosity. That I might
indulge her view, and at the same time feast my own, I affected to
stop, and gave orders to Strap, in the street, just opposite to
her station, by which means I had an opportunity of seeing her more
distinctly, and of congratulating myself on having made a conquest
of so much perfection. In a few moments she retired, and I betook
myself to the ordinary in a rapture of hope, which deprived me
of my appetite for that meal, and sent me home in the evening to
indulge my contemplation.

Early next day, I was favoured with another epistle from my unknown
admirer, signifying her unutterable joy at the receipt of mine,
which, while it made a tender of my heart, convinced her of the
value of it. Above all things, she professed her extreme pleasure
in finding me so much attached to her understanding, a circumstance
that not only flattered her in the most sensible part, but at the
same time argued my own sagacity. As for the interview I desired,
she assured me, that I could not be more eager for such an occasion
than she; but she must not only sacrifice little more to decorum,
but be satisfied of my honourable intentions, before she could grant
that request. Meanwhile she gave me to understand that, although
she might owe some deference to the opinion of certain persons, she
was resolved, in an affair that so nearly concerned her happiness,
to consult her own inclination, preferable to the advice of the
whole world; especially as she was urged to such condescension
by no consideration of fortune, what she depended upon being her
own without restriction or control. Struck with admiration at the
philosophy and self-denial of my mistress, who seemed insensible
of the beauty she possessed, and in particular ravished with that
piece of intelligence by which I learned her fortune was independent;
I resumed the pen, launched out into encomiums on the dignity of her
sentiments, affected to undervalue the charms of external beauty,
pretended to ground my passion on the qualities of her mind, complained
of her rigour in sacrificing my repose to an overscrupulous regard
to decorum, and declared the purity of my designs in the most solemn
and pathetic vows. This performance being sealed and directed, was
sent to the place appointed by Strap, who, that we might be still
the more confirmed in our belief, renewed his watch, and in a
little time brought back the same information as before, with this
addition, that Miss Sparkle (the name of my correspondent), looking
out at the window, no sooner saw the messenger arrive. than she
shut the casement in a sort of beautiful confusion, and disappeared,
eager no doubt to hear from the dear object of her love.

My doubts now vanished, the long-expected port appeared, and I
looked upon myself as perfectly secure of that happiness I had been
in quest of so long. After dinner, I sauntered in company with Dr.
Wagtail, to that part of the town in which my inamorata lived; and,
as he was a mere register, inquired of him into the name, character,
and fortune of everybody who possessed a good house in the streets
through which we passed. When it came to his turn to mention Sir
John Sparkle, he represented him as a man of an immense estate
and narrow disposition, who mewed up his only child, a fine young
lady, from the conversation of mankind, under the strict watch and
inspection of an old governante, who was either so honest, envious,
or insatiable, that nobody had been as yet able to make her a friend,
or get access to her charge, though numbers attempted it every day;
not so much on account of her expectations from her father, who,
being a widower, might marry again and have sons, as for a fortune
of twelve thousand pounds left her by an uncle, of which she could
not be deprived. This piece of news, exactly tallying with the
last part of the letter I had been honoured with in the morning,
had such an effect on me, that any man except Wagtail might have
observed my emotion; but his attention was too much engrossed by
the contemplation of his own importance to suffer him to be affected
with the deportment of any other body, unless it happened to be so
particular that he could not help taking notice of it.

When I had disengaged myself from him, whose conversation grew
insipid to me, I went home, and made Strap acquainted with the
fruit of my researches. This faithful squire was almost choked
with transport, and even wept with joy; but whether on account of
himself or me, I shall not pretend to determine. Next day a third
billet-doux was brought to me, containing many expressions of
tenderness, mingled with some affecting doubts about the artifice
of man, the inconstancy of youth, and the jealousy often attending
the most sincere passion; withal desiring I would excuse her, if she
should try me a little longer, before she declared herself beyond
the power of retracting. These interesting scruples added fuel to
my flame and impatience to my hope; I redoubled my complaints of her
indifference, and pressed her to an assignation with such fervent
entreaties, that in a few days she consented to meet me at the
house of that milliner who had forwarded all my letters. During the
interval between the date of her promise and the hour of appointment,
my pride soared beyond all reason and description; I lost all
remembrance of the gentle Narcissa, and my thoughts were wholly
employed in planning triumphs over the malice and contempt of the
world.

At length the happy hour arrived. I flew to the place of rendezvous,
and was conducted into an apartment, where I had not waited ten
minutes, when I heard the rustling of silk, and the sound of feet
ascending the stairs; my heart took the alarm, and beat quick; my
cheeks glowed, my nerves thrilled, and my knees shook with ecstacy!
I perceived the door opening, saw a gold brocade petticoat advance,
and sprang forward to embrace my charmer. Heaven and earth! how
shall I paint my situation, when I found Miss Sparkle converted into
a wrinkled hag turned of seventy! I was struck dumb with amazement,
and petrified with horror! This ancient Urganda, perceived my
disorder, and, approaching with a languishing air, seized my hand,
asking in a squeaking tone, if I was indisposed. Her monstrous
affectation completed the disgust I had conceived for her at her
first appearance, and it was a long time before I could command
myself so much as to behave with common civility: at length, however,
I recollected myself, and pronounced an apology for my behaviour,
which I said proceeded from a dizziness that seized me all of a
sudden. My hoary Dulcinea, who, no doubt, had been alarmed at my
confusion, no sooner learned the cause to which I now ascribed it,
than she discovered her joy in a thousand amorous coquetries, and
assumed the sprightly airs of a girl of sixteen. One while she
ogled me with her dim eyes, quenched in rheum; then, as if she was
ashamed of that freedom, she affected to look down, blush, and play
with her fan; then toss her head that I might not perceive a palsy
that shook it, ask some childish questions with a lisping accent,
giggle and grin with her mouth shut to conceal the ravage of time
upon her teeth, leer upon me again, sigh piteously, fling herself
about in her chair to show her agility, and act a great many more
absurdities that youth and beauty can alone excuse. Shocked as I
was at my disappointment, my disposition was incapable of affronting
any person who loved me; I therefore endeavoured to put a good face
to the matter for the present, resolved to drop the whole affair
as soon as I should get clear of her company; with this view, I
uttered some civil things, and in particular desired to know the
name and condition of the lady who had honoured me so much. She
told me her name was Withers, that she lived with Sir John Sparkle
in quality of governess to his only daughter, in which situation
she had picked up a comfortable sufficiency to make her easy for
life; that she had the pleasure of seeing me at church, where my
appearance and deportment made such an impression upon her heart,
that she could enjoy no ease until she had inquired into my character,
which she found so amiable in all respects, that she yielded to the
violence of her inclination, and ventured to declare her passion
with too little regard perhaps to the decorum of her sex; but she
hoped I would forgive a trespass of which I myself was in some
measure the cause, and impute her intrusion to the irresistible
dictates of love. No decayed rake ever swallowed a bolus with more
reluctance than I felt in making a reply suitable to this compliment,
when, instead of the jewel, I found the crazy casket only in my
power; and yet my hopes began to revive a little, when I considered,
that, by carrying on the appearance of an intrigue with the duenna,
I might possibly obtain access to her charge. Encouraged by this
suggestion, my temper grew more serene, my reserve wore off, I
talked en cavalier, and even made love to this antiquated coquette,
who seemed extremely happy in her adorer, and spread all her
allurements to make her imagined conquest more secure. The good
woman of the house treated us with tea and sweetmeats, and afterwards
withdrew, like a civil experienced matron as she was.

Left thus to our mutual endearments, Miss Withers (for she was
still a maiden) began to talk of matrimony, and expressed so much
impatience in all her behaviour that, had she been fifty years
younger, I might possibly have gratified her longing without having
recourse to the church; but this step my virtue as well as interest
forbade. When the inclinations of an old maid settle upon a young
fellow. he is persecuted with her addresses; but, should he once
grant her the favour, he will never be able to disentangle himself
from her importunities and reproaches. It was my business to defer
the ceremony as long as possible, under the most specious pretences,
with a view of becoming acquainted with Miss Sparkle in the meantime;
and I did not despair of success, when I considered, that in the
course of our correspondence, I should I all probability be invited
to visit my mistress in her own apartment, and by these means have
an opportunity of conversing with her charming ward.  Pleased with
this prospect, my heart dilated with joy; I talked in raptures to
the state governante, and kissed her shrivelled hand with great
devotion, She was so much transported with her good fortune, that
she could not contain her ecstacy, but flew upon me like a tigress,
and pressed her skinny lips to mine; when (as it was no doubt
concerted by her evil genius) a dose of garlic she had swallowed
that morning, to dispel wind, I suppose, began to operate with such
a sudden explosion, that human nature, circumstanced as I was, could
not endure the shock with any degree of temper. I lost all patience
and reflection, flung away from her in an instant, snatched my hat
and cane, and ran downstairs as if the devil had me in pursuit,
and could scarcely retain the convulsion of my bowels, which were
grievously offended by the perfume that assaulted me.  Strap, who
waited my return with impatience, seeing me arrive in the utmost
disorder, stood motionless with apprehension, and durst not inquire
into the cause.

After I had washed my mouth, more than once, and recruited my
spirits with a glass of wine, I recounted to him every particular
of what had happened; to which he made no other reply for some
time than lifting up his eyes, clasping his hands, and uttering a
hollow groan. At length he observed, in a melancholy tone, that it
was a thousand pities my organs were so delicate as to be offended
with the smell of garlic. "Ah! God help us," said he, "'tis not
the steams of garlic, no, nor of something else, that would give
me the least uneasiness--see what it is to be a cobler's son!"
I replied hastily, "I wish then you would go and retrieve my
miscarriage." At this suggestion he started, forced a smile, and
left the room, shaking his head. Whether the old gentlewoman resented
my abrupt departure so much that her love changed into disdain,
or was ashamed to see me on account of her infirmity, I know not;
but I was never troubled again with her passion.





CHAPTER LI




I cultivate an Acquaintance with two Noblemen--am introduced to
earl Strutwell--his kind Promise and Invitation--the Behaviour of
his Porter and Lacquey--he receives me with an Appearance of uncommon
Affection--undertakes to speak in my Behalf to the Minister--informs
me of his Success, and wishes me Joy--introduces a Conversation
about Fetronius Arbiter--falls in Love with my Watch, which I press
upon him--I make a present of a Diamond Ring to Lord Straddle--impart
my good Fortune to Strap and Banter, who disabuses me, to my utter
Mortification


Baffled hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to question my
talents for the science of fortune-hunting, and to bend my thoughts
towards some employment under the government. With the view of
procuring which, I cultivated the acquaintance of Lords Straddle
and Swillpot, whose fathers were men of interest at court. I found
these young noblemen as open to my advances as I could desire; I
accompanied them in their midnight rambles, and often dined with
them at taverns, where I had the honour of paying the reckoning.

I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with protestations
of friendship, to disclose my desire of being settled in some
sinecure, and to solicit their influence in my behalf.  Swillpot,
squeezing my hand, said, I might depend upon his service by G--.
The other swore that no man would be more proud than he to run my
errands. Encouraged by these declarations, I ventured to express
an inclination to be introduced to their fathers, who were able to
do my business at once. Swillpot frankly owned he had not spoken to
his father these three years; and Straddle assured me, his father,
having lately disobliged the minister by subscribing his name to
a protest in the house of peers, was thereby rendered incapable of
serving his friends at present; but he undertook to make me acquainted
with Earl Strutwell, who was hand and glove with a certain person
who ruled the roast. This offer I embraced with many acknowledgments,
and plied him so closely, in spite of a thousand evasions, that he
found himself under a necessity of keeping his word, and actually
carried me to the levee of this great man, where he left me in a
crowd of fellow-dependents, and was ushered to a particular closet
audience; from whence, in a few minutes, he returned with his
lordship, who took me by the hand, assured me he would do me all
the service he could, and desired to see me often. I was charmed
with my reception, and, although I had heard that a courtier's
promise is not to be depended upon, I thought I discovered so much
sweetness of temper and candour in this earl's countenance, that I
did not doubt of finding my account in his protection. I resolved
therefore to profit by this permission, and waited on him next
audience day, when I was favoured with a particular smile, squeeze
of the hand, and a whisper, signifying that he wanted half-an-hour's
conversation with me in private, when he should be disengaged, and
for that purpose desired me to come and drink a dish of chocolate
with him to-morrow morning.

This invitation, which did not a little flatter my vanity and
expectation, I took care to observe, and went to his lordship's
house at the time appointed. Having rapped at the gate, the porter
unbolted and kept it half open, placing himself in the gap, like
soldiers in the broach, to dispute my passage. I asked if his lord
was stirring? He answered with a surly aspect, " No." "At what
hour does he commonly rise?" said I. "Sometimes sooner, sometimes
later," said he, closing the door upon me by degrees. I then told
him I was come by his lordship's own appointment, to which intimation
this Cerberus replied, "I have received no orders about the matter,"
and was upon the point of shutting me out, when I recollected myself
all of a sudden, and slipping a crown into his hand, begged as a
favour that he would inquire, and let me know whether or not the
earl was up. The grim janitor relented at the touch of my money,
which he took with all the indifference of a taxgatherer, and showed
me into a parlour, where, he said, I might amuse myself till such
time as his lord should be awake. I had not sat ten minutes in this
place, when a footman entered, and, without speaking, started at
me; I interpreted this piece of his behaviour into, "Pray, sir,
what is your business?" and asked the same question I had put to
the porter, when I accosted him first. The lacquey made the same
reply, and disappeared before I could get any further intelligence.
In a little time he returned, on pretence of poking the fire, and
looked at me again with great earnestness; upon which I began to
perceive his meaning, and, tipping him with half-a-crown, desired
he would be so good as to fall upon some method of letting the
earl know that I was in the house. He made a low bow, said, "Yes,
sir," and vanished.  This bounty was not thrown away, for in an instant
he came back, and conducted me to a chamber, where I was received
with great kindness and familiarity by his lordship, whom I found
just risen, in his morning-gown, and slippers. After breakfast, he
entered into a particular conversation with me about my travels,
the remarks I had made abroad, and examined me to the full extent
of my understanding.  My answers seemed to please him very much,
he frequently squeezed my hand, and, looking at me with a singular
complacency in his countenance, bade me depend upon his good offices
with the ministry in my behalf. "Young men of your qualifications,"
said he, "ought to be cherished by every administration. For my
own part, I see so little merit in the world, that I have laid it
down as a maxim, to encourage the least appearance of genius and
virtue to the utmost of my power: you have a great deal of both;
and will not fail of making a figure one day, if I am not mistaken;
but you must lay your account with mounting by gradual steps to
the summit of your fortune. Rome was not built in a day. As you
understand the languages perfectly well, how would you like to
cross the sea as secretary to an embassy?" I assured his lordship,
with great eagerness, that nothing could be more agreeable to my
inclination: upon which he bade me make myself easy, my business
was done, for he had a place of that kind in his view. This piece
of generosity affected me so much, that I was unable for some time
to express my gratitude, which at length broke out in acknowledgments
of my own unworthiness, and encomiums on his benevolence. I could
not even help shedding tears at the goodness of this noble lord,
who no sooner perceived them than he caught me in his arms, and
hugged and kissed me with a seemingly paternal affection. Confounded
at this uncommon instance of fondness for a stranger, I remained a
few moments silent and ashamed; then rose and took my leave, after
he had assured me that he would speak to the minister in my favour
that very day; and desired that I would not for the future give
myself the trouble of attending at his levee, but come at the same
hour every day, when he should be at leisure, that is, three times
a week.

Though my hopes were now very sanguine, I determined to conceal my
prospect from everybody, even from Strap, until I should be more
certain of success: and in the meantime give my patron no respite
from my solicitations. When I renewed my visit, I found the
street-door opened to me as if by enchantment; but in my passage
towards the presence-room, I was met by the valet-de-chambre, who
cast some furious looks at me the meaning of which I could not
comprehend. The earl saluted me at entrance with a tender embrace,
and wished me joy of his success with the Premier, who, he said,
had preferred his recommendation to that of two other noblemen
very urgent in behalf of their respective friends, and absolutely
promised that I should go to a certain foreign court in quality of
secretary to an ambassador and plenipotentiary who was to set out
in a few weeks an affair of vast importance to the nation. I was
thunderstruck with my good fortune, and could make no other reply
than kneel and attempt to kiss my benefactor's hand, which submission
he would not permit; but, raising me up, pressed me to his breast
with surprising emotion, and told me he had now taken upon himself
the care of making my fortune. What enhanced the value of the benefit
still the more, was his making light of the favour, and shifting
the conversation to another subject.

Among other topics of discourse, that of the Belles Lettres was
introduced, upon which his lordship held forth with great taste
and erudition and discovered an intimate knowledge of the authors
of antiquity, "Here's a book," said he, taking one from his bosom,
"written with great elegance and spirit; and, though the subject may
give offence to some narrow-minded people, the author will always
be held in esteem by every person of wit and learning." So saying,
he put into my hand Petronius Arbiter, and asked my opinion of
his wit and manner. I told him, that, in my opinion, he wrote with
great ease and vivacity, but was withal so lewd and indecent that
he ought to find no quarter or protection among people of morals
and taste.  "I own," replied the earl, "that his taste in love is
generally decried, and indeed condemned by our laws; but perhaps
that may be more owing to prejudice and misapprehension than to
true reason and deliberation. The best man among the ancients is
said to have entertained that passion; one of the wisest of their
legislators has permitted the indulgence of it in his commonwealth;
the most celebrated poets have not scrupled to avow it. At this day
it prevails not only over all the East, but in most parts of Europe;
in our own country, it gains ground apace, and in all probability
will become in a short time a more, fashionable vice than simple
fornication. Indeed there is something to be said in vindication of
it; for, notwithstanding the severity of the law against offenders
in this way, it must be confessed that the practice of this passion is
unattended with that curse and burthen upon society which proceeds
from a race of miserable and deserted bastards, who are either murdered
by their parents, deserted to the utmost want and wretchedness,
or bred up to prey upon the commonwealth: and it likewise prevents
the debauchery of many a young maiden, and the prostitution of
honest men's wives; not to mention the consideration of health,
which is much less liable to be impaired in the gratification of
this appetite, than in the exercise of common venery, which, by
ruining the constitutions of our young men, has produced a puny
progeny that degenerates from generation to generation. Nay, I
have been told, that there is another motive perhaps more powerful
than all these, that induces people to cultivate this inclination;
namely, the exquisite pleasure attending its success."

From this discourse I began to be apprehensive that his lordship,
finding I had travelled, was afraid I might have been infected
with this spurious and sordid desire abroad, and took this method
of sounding my sentiments on the subject. Fired at this supposed
suspicion, I argued against it with great warmth, as an appetite
unnatural, absurd, and of pernicious consequence; and declared
my utter detestation and abhorrence of it in these lines of the
satirist:--

    Eternal infamy the wretch confound
    Who planted first that vice on British ground!
    A vice! That spite of nature and sense reigns,
    And poisons genial love, and manhood stains.

The earl smiled at my indignation, and told me he was glad to find
my opinion of the matter so conformable to his own, and that what
he had advanced was only to provoke me to an answer, with which
he professed himself perfectly well pleased. After I had enjoyed
a long audience, I happened to look at my watch, in order to
regulate my motions by it; and his lordship, observing the chased
case, desired to see the device, and examine the exception, which
he approved with some expressions of admiration. Considering the
obligations I lay under to his lordship, I thought there could
not be a fitter opportunity than the present to manifest, in some
shape, my gratitude; I therefore begged he would do me the honour
to accept of the watch as a small testimony of the sense I had
of his lordship's generosity; but, he refused it in a peremptory
manner, and said he was sorry I should entertain such a mercenary
opinion of him; observing at the same time, that it was the most
beautiful piece of workmanship he had ever seen, and desiring to
know where he could have such another. I begged a thousand pardons
for the freedom I had taken, which I hoped he would impute to
nothing else than the highest veneration for his person--told him,
that, as it came to my hand by accident in France, I could give
him no information about the maker, for there was no name on the
inside; and once more humbly entreated that he would indulge me so
far as to use it for my sake.  He was still positive in refusing
it; but was pleased to thank me for my generous offer, saying, it
was a present that no nobleman need be ashamed of receiving: though
he was resolved to show his disinterestedness with regard to me,
for whom he had conceived a particular friendship; and insisted
(if I were willing to part with the watch) upon knowing what it had
cost, that he might at least indemnify me, by refunding the money.
On the other hand, I assured his lordship that I should look upon
it as an uncommon mark of distinction, if he would take it without
further question; and, rather than disoblige me, he was at last
persuaded to put it in his pocket, to my no small satisfaction, who
took my leave immediately, after having received a kind squeeze,
and an injunction to depend upon his promise.

Buoyed up with this reception, my heart opened; I gave away a
guinea, among the lacqueys, who escorted me to the door, flew to
the lodgings of Lord Straddle, upon whom I forced my diamond ring
as an acknowledgment for the great service he had done me, and from
thence hied me home, with an intent of sharing my happiness with
honest Strap. I determined, however, to heighten his pleasure, by
depressing his spirits at first, and then bringing in good news
with double relish. For this purpose, I affected the appearance of
disappointment and chagrin, and told him in an abrupt manner that
I had lost the watch and diamond. Poor Hugh, who had been already
harassed into a consumption by intelligence of this sort, no sooner
heard these words, than, unable to contain himself, he cried, with
distraction in his looks, "God in heaven forbid!" I could carry on
the farce no longer; but, laughing in his face, told him everything
that had passed, as above recited. His features were immediately
unbended, and the transition was so affecting, that he wept with
joy, calling my Lord Strutwell by the appellations of Jewel, Phoenix,
Rara avis; and praising God, that there was still some virtue left
among our nobility. Our mutual congratulations being over, we gave
way to our imagination, and anticipated our happiness by prosecuting
our success through the different steps of promotion, till I arrived
at the rank of a prime minister, and he to that of my first secretary.

Intoxicated with these ideas, I went to the ordinary, where, meeting
with Banter, I communicated the whole affair in confidence to him,
concluding with an assurance that I would do him all the service in
my power. He heard me to an end with great patience, then regarding
me a good while with a look of disdain, pronounced, "So your business
is done, you think?" "As good as done. I believe," said I.  "I'll
tell you," replied he, "what will do it still more effectually--a
halter! 'Sdeath! if I had been such a gull to two such scoundrels
as Strutwell and Straddle, I would, without any more ado, tuck
myself up." Shocked at this exclamation, I desired him with some
confusion to explain himself; upon which he gave me to understand
that Straddle was a poor contemptible wretch, who lived by borrowing
and pimping for his fellow-peers; that in consequence of this last
capacity, he had doubtless introduced me to Strutwell, who was
so notorious for a passion for his own sex that he was amazed his
character had never reached my ears; and that, far from being able
to obtain for me the post he had promised, his interest at court
was so low, that he could scarce provide for a superannuated footman
once a year in the customs or excise; that it was a common thing
for him to amuse strangers, whom his jackals ran down, with such
assurances and caresses as he had bestowed on me, until he had
stripped them of their cash, and everything valuable about them,
very often of their chastity, and then leave them a prey to want
and infamy: that he allowed his servants no other wages than that
part of the spoil which they could glean by their industry; and
the whole of his conduct towards me was so glaring, that nobody
who knew anything of mankind could have been imposed upon by his
insinuations.

I leave the reader to judge how I relished this piece of information,
which precipitated me from the most exalted pinnacle of hope to the
lowest abyss of despondence, and well nigh determined me to take
Banter's advice and finish my chagrin with a halter. I had no room
to suspect the veracity of my friend, because, upon recollection,
I found every circumstance of Strutwell's behaviour exactly tallying
with the character he had described; his hugs, embraces, squeezes,
and eager looks, were now no longer a mystery; no more than his
defence of Petronius, and the jealous frown of his valet-de-chambre,
who, it seems, had been the favourite pathic of his lord.





CHAPTER LII




I attempt to recover my Watch and Jewel, but to no Purpose--resolve
to revenge myself on Strutwell by my Importunity--am reduced to my
last Guinea--obliged to inform Strap of my Necessity, who is almost
distracted with the News, but nevertheless obliged to pawn my best
Sword for present Subsistence--that small Supply being exhausted,
I am almost stupified with my Misfortunes--go to the Gaming Table
by the Advice of Banter, and come off with unexpected Success--Strap's
Ecstacy--Mrs. Gawky waits upon me, professes Remorse for her Perfidy,
and implores my Assistance--I do myself a Piece of Justice by her
Means, and afterwards reconcile her to her Father


I was so confounded that I could make no reply to Banter, who
reproached me with great indignation for having thrown away upon
rascals that which, had it been converted into ready money, would
have supported the rank of a gentleman for some months, and enabled
me, at the same time, to oblige my friends. Stupified as I was,
I could easily divine the source of his concern, but sneaked away
in a solitary manner, without yielding the least answer to his
expostulations; and began to deliberate within myself in what manner
I should attempt to retrieve the movables I had so foolishly lost.
I should have thought it no robbery to take them again by force,
could I have done it without any danger of being detected; but, as
I could have no such opportunity, I resolved to work by finesse, and
go immediately to the lodgings of Straddle, where I was so fortunate
as to find him. "My Lord," said I, "I have just now recollected,
that the diamond I had the honour of presenting to you is loosened
a little in the socket, and there is a young fellow just arrived
from Paris, who is reckoned the best jeweller in Europe; I knew him
in France; and, if your lordship will give me leave, will carry the
ring to him to be set to rights." His lordship was not to be caught
in this snare; he thanked me for my offer, and told me, that, having
himself observed the defect, he had sent it to his own jeweller
to be mended; and, indeed, by this time I believe it was in the
jeweller's hands, though not in order to be mended, for it stood
in need of no alteration.

Balked in this piece of politics, I cursed my simplicity; but
resolved to play a surer game with the earl, which I thus devised.
I did not doubt of being admitted into familiar conversation with
him, as before, and hoped by some means to get the watch into my
hand; then, on pretence of winding or playing with it, drop it on
the floor, when, in all probability, the fall would disorder the
work so as to stop its motion; this event would furnish me with
an opportunity of insisting upon carrying it away in order to be
repaired, and then I should be in no hurry to bring it back. What
pity it was I could not find an occasion of putting this fine scheme
in execution! When I went to renew my visit to his lordship, my
access to the parlour was as free as ever; but after I had waited
for some time, the valet-de-chambre came in with his lord's compliments,
and a desire to see me to-morrow at his levee, he being at present
so much indisposed that he could not see company. I interpreted this
message into a bad omen, and came away muttering curses against his
lordship's politeness, and ready to go to loggerheads with myself
for being so egregiously duped. But, that I might have some
satisfaction for the loss I had sustained, I besieged him so closely
at his levee, and persecuted him with my solicitations; not without
faint hopes, indeed, of reaping something more from my industry
than the bare pleasure of making him uneasy; though I could never
obtain another private hearing the whole course of my attendance;
neither had I resolution enough to undeceive Strap, whose looks in
a little time were so whetted with impatience, that whenever I came
home, his eyes devoured me, as it were, with eagerness of attention.

At length, however, finding myself reduced to my last guinea,
I was compelled to disclose my necessity, though I endeavoured to
sweeten the discovery by rehearsing to him the daily assurances I
received from my patron. But these promises were not of efficacy
sufficient to support the spirits of my friend, who no sooner
understood the lowness of my finances, than, uttering a dreadful
groan, he exclaimed, "In the name of God, what shall we do?" In
order to comfort him, I said, that many of my acquaintances, who
were in a worse condition than we, supported, notwithstanding, the
character of gentlemen; and advising him to thank God that as yet
we had incurred no debt, proposed he should pawn my sword of steel,
inlaid with gold, and trust to my discretion for the rest. This
expedient was wormwood and gall to poor Strap, who, in spite of
his invincible affection for me, still retained notions of economy
and expense suitable to the narrowness of his education; nevertheless
he complied with my request, and raised seven pieces on the sword
in a twinkling. This supply, inconsiderable as it was, made me as
happy for the present, as if I had kept five hundred pounds in bank;
for by this time I was so well skilled in procrastinating every
troublesome reflection, that the prospect of want seldom affected
me very much, let it be ever so near. And now indeed it was nearer
than I imagined. My landlord, having occasion for money, put me
in mind of my being indebted to him five guineas in lodging; and,
telling me he had a sum to make up, begged I would excuse his
importunity, and discharge the debt. Though I could ill spare so
much cash, my pride took the resolution of disbursing it. This I
did in a cavalier manner, after he had written a discharge, telling
him with an air of scorn and resentment, I saw he was resolved
that I should not be long in his books; while Strap, who stood by,
and knew my circumstances, wrung his hands in secret, gnawed his
nether lip, and turned yellow with despair. Whatever appearance of
indifference my vanity enabled me to put on, I was thunderstruck
with this demand, which I had no sooner satisfied, than I hastened
into company, with a view of beguiling my cares with conversation,
or drowning them with wine.

After dinner, a party was accordingly made in the coffee-house,
from whence we adjourned to the tavern, where, instead of sharing
the mirth of the company, I was as much chagrined at their good
humour as a damned soul in hell would be at a glimpse of heaven.
In vain did I swallow bumper after bumper! the wine had lost its
effect upon me, and, far from raising my dejected spirits, could not
even lay me asleep. Banter, who was the only intimate I had (Strap
excepted), perceived my anxiety, and, when we broke up, reproached
me with pusillanimity, for being cast down at my disappointment
that such a rascal as Strutwell could be the occasion of. I told
him I did not at all see how Strutwell's being a rascal alleviated
my misfortune; and gave him to understand that my present grief
did not so much proceed from that disappointment, as from the low
ebb of my fortune, which was sunk to something less than two guineas.
At this declaration he cried, "Psha! is that all?" and assured me
there were a thousand ways of living in town without a fortune, he
himself having subsisted many years entirely by his wit. I expressed
an eager desire of being acquainted with some of these methods, and
he, without farther expostulation, bade me follow him. He conducted
me to a house under the piazzas in Covert Garden, which we entered,
and having delivered our swords to a grim fellow who demanded them
at the foot of the staircase, ascended to the second story, where
I saw multitudes of people standing round two gaming-tables, loaded,
in a manner, with gold and silver. My conductor told me this was
the house of a worthy Scotch lord, who, using the privilege of
his peerage, had set up public gaming tables, from the profits of
which he drew a comfortable livelihood. He then explained difference
the between the sitters and the bettors; characterised the first
as old rooks, and the last as bubbles; and advised me to try my
fortune at the silver table, by betting a crown at a time. Before
I would venture anything, I considered the company more particularly,
and there appeared such a group of villanous faces, that I was
struck with horror and astonishment at the sight! I signified my
surprise to Banter, who whispered in my ear, that the bulk of those
present were sharpers, highwaymen, and apprentices, who, having
embezzled their master's cash, made a desperate push in this place
to make up their deficiencies. This account did not encourage me to
hazard any part of my small pittance: but, at length, being teased
by the importunities of my friend, who assured me there was no
danger of being ill-used, because people were hired by the owner
to see justice done to everybody, I began by risking one shilling,
and, in less than an hour, my winning amounted to thirty. Convinced
by this time of the fairness of the game, and animated with success,
there was no need of further persuasion to continue the play: I
lent Banter (who seldom had any money in his pocket) a guinea, which
he carried to the gold table, and lost in a moment. He would have
borrowed another, but finding me deaf to his arguments, went away
in a pet. Meanwhile my gain advanced to six pieces, and my desire
of more increased in proportion: so that I moved to the higher
table, where I laid half-a-guinea on every throw, and fortune still
favouring me, I became a sitter, in which capacity I remained until
it was broad day; when I found myself, after many vicissitudes,
one hundred and fifty guineas in pocket.

Thinking it now high time to retire with my booty, I asked if anybody
would take my place, and made a notion to rise; upon which an old
Gascon, who sat opposite to me, and of whom I had won a little
money, started up with fury in his looks, crying, "Restez, foutre,
restez! il faut donner moi mon ravanchio!" At the same time, a Jew,
who sat near the other, insinuated that I was more beholden to art
than fortune for what I had got; that he had observed me wipe the
table very often, and that some of the divisions appeared to be
greasy. This intimation produced a great deal of clamour against
me, especially among the losers, who threatened with many oaths
and imprecations, to take me up by a warrant as a sharper, unless
I would compromise the affair by refunding the greatest part of my
winning. Though I was far from being easy under his accusation, I
relied upon my innocence, threatened in my turn to prosecute the
Jew, for defamation, and boldly offered to submit my cause to the
examination of any justice in Westminster; but they knew themselves
too well to put their characters on that issue, and finding that I
was not to be intimidated into any concession, dropped their plea,
and made way for me to withdraw. I would not, however, stir from
the table until the Israelite had retracted what he had said to my
disadvantage, and asked pardon before the whole assembly.

As I marched out with my prize, I happened to tread on the toes
of a tall raw-boned fellow, with a hooked nose, fierce eyes, black
thick eyebrows, a pigtail wig of the same colour, and a formidable
hat pulled over his forehead, who stood gnawing his fingers in the
crowd, and he sooner felt the application of my shoe heel, than
he roared out in a tremendous voice, "Blood and wounds! you son
of a whore, what's that for?" I asked pardon with a great deal
of submission, and protested I had no intention of hurting him;
but the more I humbled myself the more he stormed, and insisted
on gentlemanly satisfaction, at the same time provoking me with
scandalous names that I could not put up with; so that I gave loose
to my passion, returned his Billingsgate, and challenged him down
to the piazzas. His indignation cooling as mine warmed, he refused
my invitation, saying he would choose his own time, and returned
towards the table muttering threats, which I neither dreaded nor
distinctly beard; but, descending with great deliberation, received
my sword from the door-keeper, whom I gratified with a guinea,
according to the custom of the place, and went home in a rapture
of joy.

My faithful valet, who had set up all night in the utmost uneasiness
on my account, let me in with his face beslubbered with tears, and
followed me to my chamber, where he stood silent like a condemned
criminal, in expectation of hearing that every shilling was spent,
I guessed the situation of his thoughts, and, assuming a sullen
look, bade him fetch me some water to wash. He replied, without
lifting his eyes from the ground, "In my simple conjecture, you
have more occasion for rest, not having (I suppose) slept these
four-and-twenty hours." "Bring me some water!" said I, in a peremptory
tone; upon which he sneaked away shrugging his shoulders. Before
he returned, I had spread my whole stock on the table in the most
ostentatious manner; so that, when it first saluted his view, he
stood like one entranced; and, having rubbed his eyes more than
once, to assure himself of his being awake, broke out into, "Lord
have mercy upon us, what a vast treasure is here!" "'Tis all our
own, Strap," said I; "take what is necessary, and redeem the sword
immediately." He advanced towards the table, stopped short by the
way, looked at the money and me by turns, and with a wildness in
his countenance, produced from joy checked by distrust, cried, "I
dare say it is honestly come by." To remove his scruples, I made
him acquainted with the whole story of my success, which, when
he heard, he danced about the room in an ecstacy, crying, "God be
praised!--a white stone!--God be praised!--a white stone!" So that
I was afraid the change of fortune bad disordered his intellects,
and that he was run mad with joy. Extremely concerned at this event,
I attempted to reason him out of his frenzy, but to no purpose; for
without regarding what I said, he continued to frisk up and down,
and repeat his rhapsody, of "God be praised!--a white stone!" At
last, I rose in the utmost consternation, and, laying violent hands
upon him, put a stop to his extravagance by fixing him down to a
settee that was in the room. This constraint banished his delirium;
he started as if just awoke, and terrified at my behaviour, cried,
"What is the matter!" When he learned the cause of my apprehension,
he was ashamed of his transports, and told me, that in mentioning
the white stone, he alluded to the Dies fast of the Romans, alibi
lapped knotty.

Having no inclination to sleep, I secured my cash, dressed, and was
just going abroad, when the servant of the house told me, there was
a gentlewoman at the door who wanted to speak with me. Surprised
at this information, I made Strap show her up, and in less than a
minute, saw a young woman of a shabby decayed appearance enter my
room. After half-a-dozen curtsies, she began to sob, and told me
her name was Gawky; upon which information I immediately recollected
the features of Miss Levement, who had been the first occasion of
my misfortunes. Though I had all the reason in the world to resent
her treacherous behaviour to me, I was moved at her distress, and
professing my sorrow at seeing her so reduced desired her to sit,
and inquired into the particulars of her situation. She fell upon
her knees and implored my forgiveness for the injuries she had
done me, protesting before God, that she was forced, against her
inclination, into that hellish conspiracy which had almost deprived
me of my life, by the entreaties of her husband, who, having been
afterwards renounced by his father on account of his marriage with
her, and unable to support a family on his pay, left his wife at
her father's house, and went with the regiment to Germany, where
he was broke for misbehaviour at the battle of Dettingen; since
which time she had heard no tidings of him. She then gave me
to understand, with many symptoms of penitence, that it was her
misfortune to bear a child four months after marriage, by which
event her parents were so incensed, that she was turned out of doors
with the infant, that died soon after: and had hitherto subsisted
in a miserable indigent manner, on the extorted charity of a few
friends, who were now quite tired of giving; that, not knowing
where or how to support herself one day longer, she had fled for
succour even to me, who, of all mankind, had the least cause to
assist her, relying upon the generosity of my disposition, which,
she hoped, would be pleased with this opportunity of avenging itself
in the noblest manner on the wretch who had wronged me. I was very
much affected with her discourse and, having no cause to suspect
the sincerity of her repentance, raised her up, freely pardoned
all she had done against me, and promised to befriend her as much
as lay in my power.

Since my last arrival in London, I had made no advances to the
apothecary, imagining it would be impossible for me to make my
innocence appear, so unhappily was my accusation circumstanced:
Strap indeed had laboured to justify me to the schoolmaster; but,
far from succeeding in his attempt, Mr. Concordance dropped all
correspondence with him, because he refused to quit his connection
with me. Things being in this situation, I thought a fairer
opportunity of vindicating my character could not offer than that
which now presented itself; I therefore stipulated with Mrs. Gawky,
that before I would yield her the least assistance, she should do
me the justice to clear my reputation by explaining upon oath before
a magistrate the whole of the conspiracy, as it had been executed
against me. When she had given me this satisfaction, I presented
her with five guineas, a sum so much above her expectation, that
she could scarce believe the evidence of her senses, and was ready
to worship me for my benevolence. The declaration, signed with her
own hand, I sent to her father, who, upon recollecting and comparing
the circumstances of my charge, was convinced of my integrity, and
waited on me next day, in company with his friend the schoolmaster,
to whom he had communicated my vindication. After mutual salutation,
Monsieur Lavement began a long apology for the unjust treatment I
had received; but I saved him a good deal of breath by interrupting his
harangue, and assuring him that, far from entertaining a resentment
against him, I thought myself obliged to his lenity, which allowed
me to escape, after such strong assumptions of guilt appeared against
me. Mr. Concordance, thinking it now his turn to speak, observed
that Mr. Random had too much candour and sagacity to be disobliged
at their conduct, which, all things considered, could not have been
otherwise with any honesty of intention. "Indeed," said he, "if the
plot had been unravelled to us by any supernatural intelligence;
if it had been whispered by a genius, communicated by dream, or
revealed by an angel from on high, we should have been to blame in
crediting ocular demonstration; but as we were left in the midst of
mortality, it cannot be expected we should be incapable of imposition.
I must assure you, Mr. Random, no man on earth is more pleased than
I am at this triumph of your character: and, as the news of your
misfortune panged me to the very entrails, this manifestation of
your innocence makes my midriff quiver with joy." I thanked him for
this concern, desired them to undeceive those of their acquaintance
who judged harshly of me, and, having treated them with a glass
of wine, represented to Lavement the deplorable condition of his
daughter, and pleaded her cause so effectually, that he consented
to settle a small annuity on her for life: but could not be persuaded
to take her home, because her mother was so much incensed, that
she would never see her.





CHAPTER LIII




I purchase new Clothes--reprimand Strutwell and Straddle--Banter
proposes another matrimonial Scheme--I accept of his Terms--set out
to Bath in the Stage-coach with the young Lady and her Mother--the
Behaviour of an Officer and Lawyer--our fellow Travellers described--a
smart dialogue between my Mistress and the Captain


Having finished this affair to my satisfaction, I found myself
perfectly at ease; and, looking upon the gaming-table as a certain
resource for a gentleman in want, became more gay than ever.
Although my clothes were almost as good as new, I grew ashamed of
wearing them, because I thought everybody by this time had got an
inventory of my wardrobe. For which reason I disposed of a good part
of my apparel to a salesman in Monmouth Street for half the value,
and bought two new suits with the money. I likewise purchased a plain
gold watch, despairing of recovering that which I had so foolishly
given to Strutwell, whom, notwithstanding, I still continued to visit
at his levee, until the ambassador he had mentioned set out with
a secretary of his own choosing. I thought myself then at liberty
to expostulate with his lordship, whom I treated with great freedom
in a letter, for amusing me with vain hopes, when he neither had
the power nor inclination to provide for me. Nor was I less reserved
with Straddle, whom I in person reproached for misrepresenting to
me the character of Strutwell, which I did not scruple to aver was
infamous in every respect. He seemed very much enraged at my freedom,
talked a great deal about his quality and honour, and began to
make some comparisons which I thought so injurious to mine, that I
demanded an explanation with great warmth, and he was mean enough
to equivocate, and condescend in such a manner that I left him with
a hearty contempt of his behaviour.

About this time, Banter, who had observed a surprising and sudden
alteration in my appearance and disposition, began to inquire very
minutely into the cause, and, as I did not think fit to let him
know the true state of the affair, lest he might make free with my
purse, on the strength of having proposed the scheme that filled
it, I told him that I had received a small supply from a relation
in the country, who at the same time had proffered to use all his
interest (which was not small) in soliciting some post for me that
should make me easy for life. "If that be the case," said Banter,
"perhaps you won't care to mortify yourself a little in making your
fortune another way. I have a relation who is to set out for Bath
next week, with an only daughter, who being sickly and decrepit,
intends to drink the waters for the recovery of her health. Her
father, who was a rich Turkey merchant, died about a year ago, and
left her with a fortune of twenty thousand pounds, under the sole
management of her mother, who is my kinswoman. I would have put
in for the plate myself, but there is a breach at present between
the old woman and me. You must know, that some time ago I borrowed
a small sum of her and promised, it seems, to pay it before a certain
time; but being disappointed in my expectation of money from the
country, the day elapsed without my being able to take up my note;
upon which she wrote a peremptory letter, threatening to arrest
me, if I did not pay the debt immediately. Nettled at this precise
behaviour, I sent a d--d severe answer, which enraged her so much
that she actually took out a writ against me. Whereupon, finding
the thing grow serious, I got a friend to advance the money for
me, discharged the debt, went to her house, and abused her for her
unfriendly dealing.  She was provoked by my reproaches, and scolded
in her turn. The little deformed urchin joined her mother with
such virulence and volubility of tongue, that I was fain to make
a retreat, after having been honoured with a great many scandalous
epithets, which gave me plainly to understand that I had nothing
to hope from the esteem of the one, or the affection of the other.
As they are both utter strangers to life, it is a thousand to
one that the girl will be picked up by some scoundrel or other at
Bath, if I don't provide for her otherwise. You are a well-looking
fellow, Random, and can behave as demurely as a quaker. If you
will give me an obligation of five hundred pounds, to be paid six
months after your marriage, I will put you in a method of carrying
her in spite of all opposition."

This proposal was too advantageous for me to be refused. The
writing was immediately drawn up and executed; and Banter, giving
me notice of the time when, and the stage coach in which they were
to set out, I bespoke a place in the same convenience; and, having
hired a horse for Strap, who was chagrined with the prospect, set
forward accordingly.

As we embarked before day, I had not the pleasure for some time of
seeing Miss Snapper (that was the name of my mistress), nor even
of perceiving the number and sex of my fellow travellers, although
I guessed that the coach was full, by the difficulty I found in
seating myself. The first five minutes passed in a general silence,
when, all of a sudden, the coach heeling to one side, a boisterous
voice pronounced, "To the right and left, cover your flanks,
d--me!  whiz!" I easily discovered by the tone and matter of this
exclamation that it was uttered by a son of Mars; neither was it
hard to conceive the profession of another person who sat opposite
to me, and observed that we ought to have been well satisfied of
our security before we entered upon the premises. These two sallies
had not the desired effect. We continued a good while as mute as
before, till at length the gentleman of the sword, impatient of
longer silence, made a second effort, by swearing he had got into
a meeting of quakers. "I believe so too," said a shrill female
voice at my left hand, "for the spirit of folly begins to move."
"Out with it then, madam!" replied the soldier. "You seem to have
no occasion for a midwife," cried the lady. "D--mn my blood!" exclaimed
the other, "a man can't talk to a woman, but she immediately thinks
of a midwife." "True sir," said she, "I long to be delivered." "What
of--a mouse, madam?" said lie. "No, Sir," said she, "of a fool."
"Are you far gone with a fool?" said he. "Little more than two
miles," said she. "By Gad, you're a wit, madam," cried the officer,
"I wish I could with any justice return the compliment," said the
lady.  "Zounds, I have done," said he. "Your bolt is soon shot,
according to the old proverb," said she. The warrior's powder was
quite spent; the lawyer advised him to drop the prosecution, and a
grave matron, who sat on the left hand of the victorious wit, told
her she must not let her tongue run so fast among strangers. This
reprimand, softened with the appellation of child, convinced me that
the satirical lady was no other than Miss Snapper, and I resolved
to regulate my conduct accordingly. The champion, finding himself
so smartly handled, changed his battery, and began to expatiate
on his own exploits. "You talk of shot, madam," said he; "d--me!
I have both given and received some shot in my time--I was wounded
in the shoulder by a pistol ball at Dettingen, where--I say nothing--but
by G--d! if it had not been for me--all's one for that--I despise
boasting, d-me! whiz!" So saying, he whistled one part and hummed
another, of the Black Joke; then, addressing himself to the lawyer,
went on thus; "Wouldn't you think it d--d hard, after having, at
the risk of your life, recovered the standard of a regiment that
had been lost, to receive no preferment for your pains? I don't
choose to name no names, sink me! but, howsomever, this I will
refer, by G--d! and that is this--a musketeer of the French guards,
having a standard from a certain cornet of a certain regiment,
d--e! was retreating with his prize as fast as his horse's heels
could carry him, sink me! Upon which, I snatched up firelock that
belonged to a dead man, d--me! Whiz! and shot his horse under him,
d--n my blood!  The fellow got upon his feet, and began to repose
me, upon which I charged my bayonet breast high, and ran him through
the body by G--!  One of his comrades, coming to his assistance,
shot me in the shoulder, as I told you before; and another gave
me a contusion on the head with the butt-end of his carbine; but,
d--me, that did not signify. I killed one, put the other to flight,
and taking up the standard, carried it off very deliberately. But
the best joke of all was the son of a b--ch of a cornet, who had
surrendered it in a cowardly manner, seeing it in my possession,
demanded it from me in the front of the line. "D--n my blood!" says
he, "where did you find my standard?" says he. "D--n my blood!"
said I, "where," said I, "did you lose it?" said I. "That's nothing
to you," says he, "'tis my standard," says he" and by G--d I'll
have it," says he. "D--nation seize me," says I, "if you shall,"
says I, "till I have first delivered it to the general," says I;
and accordingly I went to the headquarters after the battle, and
delivered it to my Lord Stair, who promised to do for me. But I am
no more than a poor lieutenant still, d--n my blood."

Having vented this repetition of expletives, the lawyer owned he
had not been requited according to his deserts; observed that the
labourer is always worthy of his hire, and asked if the promise was
made before witnesses, because in that case the law would compel
the general to perform it; but understanding that the promise was
made over a bottle, without being restricted to time or terms,
he pronounced it not valid in law, proceeded to inquire into the
particulars of the battle, and affirmed that, although the English
had drawn themselves into premunire at first, the French managed
their cause so lamely in the course of the dispute, that they
would have been utterly nonsuited, had they not obtained a nolli
prosequi.  In spite of these enlivening touches, the conversation
was like to suffer another long interruption, when the lieutenant,
unwilling to conceal any of his accomplishments that could be
displayed in his present situation, offered to regale the company
with a song; and, interpreting our silence into a desire of hearing,
began to warble a fashionable air the first stanza of which he
pronounced thus:

    "Would you task the moon-tide hair,
    To yon flagrant beau repair.
    Where waving with the poplin vow,
    The bantling fine will shelter you," etc.

The sense of the rest he perverted as he went on with such surprising
facility that I could not help thinking he had been at some pains
to burlesque the performance. Miss Snapper ascribed it to the true
cause, namely ignorance; and, when he asked her how she relished
his music, answered that, in her opinion, the music and the words
were much of a piece. "Oh, d--n my blood!" said he "I take that
as a high compliment; for everybody allows the words are d--able
fine." "They may be so," replied the lady, "for aught I know,
but they are above my comprehension." "I an't obliged to find you
comprehension, madam, curse me!" cried he. "No, nor to speak sense
neither," said she. "D--n my heart," said he, "I'll speak what I
please." Here the lawyer interposed, by telling him, there were some
things he must not speak; and upon being defied to give an instance,
mentioned treason and defamation. "As for the king," cried the
soldier, "God bless him--I eat his bread, and have lost blood in
his cause, therefore I have nothing to say to him--but, by G--d,
I dare say anything to any other man." "No," said the lawyer,
"you dare not call me rogue." "D--me, for what?" said the other.
"Because," replied the counsellor, "I should have it good action
against you, and recover." "Well, well," cried the officer, "if I
dare not call you rogue, I dare think you one, d--me!" This stroke
of wit he accompanied with a loud laugh of self-approbation, which
unluckily did not affect the audience, but effectually silenced his
antagonist, who did not open his mouth for the space of an hour,
except to clear his pipe with three hems, which however, produced
nothing.





CHAPTER LIV




Day breaking, I have the Pleasure of viewing the Person of Miss
Snapper, whom I had not seen before--the Soldier is witty upon
me--is offended--talks much of his Valour--is reprimanded by a grave
Gentlewoman--we are alarmed by the cry of Highwaymen--I get out
of the Coach, and stand in my own defence--they ride off without
having attacked us--I pursue them--one of them is thrown from
his Horse and taken--I return to the Coach--am complimented by
Miss Snapper--the Captain's Behaviour on this Occasion--the Prude
reproaches me in a Soliloquy--I upbraid her in the same Manner--the
Behaviour of Miss Snapper, at Breakfast, disobliges me--the Lawyer
is witty upon the Officer, who threatens him


In the meantime, the day breaking in upon us, discovered to one
another the faces of their fellow travellers: and I had the good
fortune to find my mistress not quite so deformed nor disagreeable
as she had been represented to me. Her head, indeed, bore some
resemblance to a hatchet, the edge being represented by her face;
but she had a certain delicacy in her complexion, and a great deal
of vivacity in her eyes, which were very large and black; and, though
the protuberance of her breast, when considered alone, seemed to
drag her forwards, it was easy to perceive an equivalent on her back
which balanced the other, and kept her body in equilibrio. On the
whole, I thought I should have great reason to congratulate myself
if it should be my fate to possess twenty thousand pounds encumbered
with such a wife. I began therefore to deliberate about the most
probable means of acquiring the conquest, and was so much engrossed
by this idea, that I scarce took any notice of the rest of the
people in the coach, but revolved my project in silence; while the
conversation was maintained as before by the object of my hopes,
the son of Mars, and the barrister, who by this time recollected
himself, and talked in terms as much as ever. At length a dispute
happened, which ended in a wager, to be determined by me, who was
so much absorbed in contemplation, that I neither heard the reference
nor the question which was put to me by each in his turn. Affronted
at my supposed contempt, the soldier with great vociferation swore
I was either dumb or deaf if not both, and that I looked as if I
could not say Bo to a goose. Aroused at this observation, I fixed
my eyes upon him, and pronounced with emphasis the interjection Bo!
Upon which he cocked his hat in a fierce manner, and cried, "D--me
sir" what d'ye mean by that." Had I intended to answer him, which
by the by was not my design, I should have been anticipated by
Miss, who told him, my meaning was to show, that I could cry Bo
to a goose; and laughed very heartily at my laconic reproof. Her
explanation and mirth did not help to appease his wrath, which broke
out in several martial insinuations, such as--I do not understand
such freedoms, d--me! D--n my blood! I'm a gentleman, and bear
the king's commission.  'Sblood! some people deserve to have their
noses pulled for their impertinence." I thought to have checked
these ejaculations by a frown; because he had talked so much of his
valour that I had long ago rated him as an ass in a lion's skin;
but this expedient did not answer my expectation, he took umbrage
at the contraction of my brow, swore he did not value my sulky
looks a fig's end, and protested he feared no man breathing. Miss
Snapper said, she was very glad to find herself in company with
a man of so much courage, who, she did not doubt, would protect
her from all the attempts of highwaymen during our journey. "Make
yourself perfectly easy on that head, madam," replied the officer.
"I have got a pair of pistols (here they are), which I took from a
horse officer at the battle of Dettingen; they are double loaded,
and if any highwayman in England robs you of the value of a pin
while I have the honour of being in your company, d--n my heart."
When he had expressed himself in this manner, a prim gentlewoman, who
had sat silent hitherto, opened her mouth, and said, she wondered
how any man could be so rude as to pull out such weapons before
ladies. "D--me, madam," cried the champion, "if you are so much
afraid at the sight of a pistol, how d'ye propose to stand fire if
there should be occasion?" She then told him that, if she thought
he could be so unmannerly as to use fire-arms in her presence,
whatever might be the occasion, she would get out of the coach
immediately, and walk to the next village, where she might procure
a convenience to herself. Before he could make any answer, my
Dulcinea interposed, and observed that, far from being offended
at a gentleman's using his arms in his own defence, she thought
herself very lucky in being along with one by whose valour she
stood a good chance of saving herself from being rifled.  The prude
cast a disdainful look at Miss, and said that people, who have but
little to lose, are sometimes the most solicitous about preserving
it. The old lady was affronted at this inuendo, and took notice,
that people ought to be very well informed before they speak
slightingly of other people's fortune, lest they discover their own
envy, and make themselves ridiculous. The daughter declared, that
she did not pretend to vie with anybody in point of riches; and
if the lady, who insisted upon non-resistance, would promise to
indemnify us all for the loss we should sustain, she would be one
of the first to persuade the captain to submission, in case we should
be attacked. To this proposal, reasonable as it was, the reserved
lady made no other reply than a scornful glance and a toss of her
head. I was very well pleased with the spirit of my young mistress,
and even wished for an opportunity of distinguishing my courage
under her eye, which I believed could not fail of prepossessing
her in my favour, when all of a sudden Strap rode up to the coach
door, and told us in a great fright, that two men on horseback were
crossing the heath (for by this time we had passed Hounslow), and
made directly towards us.

This piece of information was no sooner delivered, than Mrs. Snapper
began to scream, her daughter grew pale, the old lady pulled out
her purse to be in readiness, the lawyer's teeth chattered, while
he pronounced, "'Tis no matter--we'll sue the county and recover."
The captain gave evident signs of confusion: and I, after having
commanded the coachman to stop, opened the door, jumped out, and
invited the warrior to follow me. But, finding him backward and
astonished, I took his pistols, and, giving them to Strap, who had
by this time alighted and trembled very much, I mounted on horseback;
and, taking my own (which I could better depend upon) from the
holsters, cocked them both, and faced the robbers, who were now very
near us. Seeing me ready to oppose them on horseback, and another
man armed a-foot, they made a halt at some distance to reconnoitre
us: and after having rode round us twice, myself still facing about
as they rode, went off the same way they came, at a hand gallop.
A gentleman's servant coming up with a horse at the same time,
I offered him a crown to assist me in pursuing them, which he no
sooner accepted, than I armed him with the officer's pistols, and
we galloped after the thieves, who, trusting to the swiftness of
their horses, stopped till we came within shot of them and then,
firing at us, put their nags to the full speed. We followed them as
fast as our beasts could carry us; but, not being so well mounted
as they, our efforts would have been to little purpose, had not
the horse of one of them stumbled, and thrown his rider with such
violence over his head, that he lay senseless when we came up, and
was taken without the least opposition; while his comrade consulted
his own safety in flight, without regarding the distress of his
friend. We scarce had time to make ourselves masters of his arms,
and tie his hands together, before he recovered his senses, when,
learning his situation he affected surprise, demanded to know
by what authority we used a gentleman in that manner, and had the
impudence to threaten us with a prosecution for robbery. In the
meantime, we perceived Strap coming up with a crowd of people, armed
up with different kinds of weapons; and among the rest a farmer, who
no sooner perceived the thief, whom we had secured, than he cried
with great emotion, "There's the fellow who robbed me an hour ago
of twenty pounds, in a canvas bag." He was immediately searched,
and the money found exactly as it had been described; upon which
we committed him to the charge of the countryman, who carried him
to the town of Hounslow, which, it seems, the farmer had alarmed;
and I, having satisfied the footman for his trouble, according to
promise, returned with Strap to the coach, where I found the captain
and lawyer busy in administering smelling bottles and cordials to
the grave lady, who had gone into a fit at the noise of firing.

When I had taken my seat, Miss Snapper, who from the coach had seen
everything that happened; made me a compliment on my behaviour,
and said she was glad to see me returned without having received
any injury; her mother too owned herself obliged to my resolution:
the lawyer told me, that I was entitled by act of parliament to a
reward of forty pounds, for having apprehended a highwayman. The
soldier observed, with a countenance in which impudence and shame
struggling, produced some disorder, that if I had not been in such
a d--d hurry to get out of the coach, he would have secured the
rogues effectually, without all this bustle and loss of time, by a
scheme, which my heat and precipitation ruined. "For my own part,"
continued he, "I am always extremely cool on these occasions. "So
it appeared, by your trembling," said the young lady. "Death and
d--ion!" cried he, your sex protects you, madam; if any man on
earth durst tell me so much, I'd send him to hell, d--n my heart!
in an instant." So saying, he fixed his eyes upon me, and asked
if I had seen him tremble? I answered without hesitation, "Yes."
"D--me, sir!" said he, "d'ye doubt my courage?" I replied, "Very
much." This declaration quite disconcerted him. He looked blank,
and pronounced with a faltering voice, "Oh! it's very well: d--n
my blood! I shall find a time." I signified my contempt of him, by
thrusting my tongue in my cheek, which humbled him so much, that
he scarce swore another oath aloud during the whole journey.

The precise lady, having recruited her spirits by the help of some
strong waters, began a soliloquy, in which she wondered that any
man, who pretended to maintain the character of a gentleman, could,
for the sake of a little paltry coin, throw persons of honour into
such quandaries as might endanger their lives; and professed her
surprise that women were not ashamed to commend such brutality. At
the same time vowing that for the future she would never set foot
in a stage coach, if a private convenience could be had for love
or money.

Nettled at her remarks, I took the same method of conveying
my sentiments, and wondered in my turn, that any woman of common
sense should be so unreasonable as to expect that people, who had
neither acquaintance nor connection with her, would tamely allow
themselves to be robbed and maltreated, merely to indulge her
capricious humour. I likewise confessed my astonishment at her
insolence and ingratitude in taxing a person with brutality, who
deserved her approbation and acknowledgment; and vowed that, if
ever she should be assaulted again, I would leave her to the mercy
of the spoiler, that she might know the value of my protection.

This person of honour did not think fit to carry on the altercation
any further, but seemed to chew the cud of her resentment with the
crestfallen captain, while I entered into discourse with my charmer,
who was the more pleased with my conversation, as she had conceived
a very indifferent opinion of my intellects from my former silence.
I should have had cause to be equally satisfied with the sprightliness
of her genius, could she have curbed her imagination with judgment;
but she laboured under such a profusion of talk, that I dreaded her
unruly tongue, and felt by anticipation the horrors of an eternal
clack! However, when I considered, on the other hand, the joys
attending the possession of twenty thousand pounds, I forgot her
imperfections, seized occasion by the forelock, and tried to insinuate
myself into her affection. The careful mother kept a strict watch
over her and though she could not help behaving civilly to me,
took frequent opportunities of discouraging our communication, by
reprimanding her for being so free with strangers, and telling her
she must learn to speak less and think more.  Abridged of the use
of speech, we conversed with our eyes, and I found the young lady
very eloquent in this kind of discourse. In short, I had reason
to believe that she was sick of the old gentlewoman's tuition, and
that I should find it no difficult matter to supersede her authority.

When we arrived at the place where we were to breakfast, I alighted,
and helped my mistress out of the coach, as well as her mother who
called for a private room to which they withdrew in order to eat
by themselves. As they retired together, I perceived that Miss had
got more twists from nature than I had before observed for she was
bent sideways into the figure of an S, so that her progression very
much resembled that of a crab. The prude also chose the captain
for her messmate, and ordered breakfast for two only, to be brought
into another separate room: while the lawyer and I, deserted by the
rest of the company, were fain to put up with each other. I was a
good deal chagrined at the stately reserve of Mrs. Snapper, who, I
thought, did not use me with all the complaisance I deserved; and
my companion declared that he had been a traveller for twenty years,
and never knew the stage coach rules so much infringed before. As
for the honourable gentlewoman I could not conceive the meaning of
her attachment to the lieutenant; and asked the lawyer if he knew
for which of the soldier's virtues she admired him? The counsellor
facetiously replied, "I suppose the lady knows him to be an able
conveyancer, and wants him to make a settlement in tail." I could
not help laughing at the archness of the barrister, who entertained
me during breakfast with a great deal of wit of the same kind, at
the expense of our fellow travellers; and among other things said,
he was sorry to find the young lady saddled with such incumbrances.

When we had made an end of our repast, and paid our reckoning,
we went into the coach, took our places, and bribed the driver
with sixpence to revenge us on the rest of his fare, by hurrying
them away in the midst of their meal. This task he performed to
our satisfaction, after he had disturbed their enjoyment with his
importunate clamour. The mother and daughter obeyed the summons
first, and, coming to the coach door, were obliged to desire
the coachman's assistance to get in, because the lawyer and I had
agreed to show our resentment by our neglect. They were no sooner
seated, than the captain appeared, as much heated as if he had been
pursued a dozen miles by an enemy; and immediately after him came
the lady, not without some marks of disorder. Having helped her
up, he entered himself, growling a few oaths against the coachman
for his impertinent interruption; and the lawyer comforted him by
saying, that if he had suffered a nisi prius through the obstinacy
of the defendant, he might have an opportunity to join issue
at the next stage. This last expression gave offence to the grave
gentlewoman, who told him, if she was a man, she would make him
repent of such obscenity, and thanked God, he had never been in
such company before. At this insinuation the captain thought himself
under a necessity of espousing the lady's cause; and accordingly
threatened to cut off the lawyer's ears, if he should give his
tongue any such liberties for the future. The poor counsellor begged
pardon, and universal silence ensued.





CHAPTER LV




I resolve to ingratiate myself with the Mother, and am favoured by
accident--the Precise Lady finds her husband, and quit the Coach--the
Captain is disappointed of his dinner--we arrive at Bath--I accompany
Miss Snapper to the Long-room, where she is attacked by beau Nash,
and, turns the Laugh against him--I make love to her, and receive
a check--Squire her to an Assembly, where I am blessed with a Sight of
my dear Narcissa, which discomposes me so much, that Miss Snapper,
observing my disorder, is at pains to discover the Cause--is
piqued at the Occasion, and, in our way home, pays me a sarcastic
Compliment--I am met by Miss Williams, who is the maid and Confidante
of Narcissa--she acquaints me with her Lady's regard for me while
under the disguise of a Servant, and describes the Transports
of Narcissa on seeing me at the Assembly, in the Character of a
Gentleman--I am surprised with an Account of her Aunt's Marriage,
and make an Appointment to meet Miss Williams the next day


During this unsocial interval, my pride and interest maintained
a severe conflict on the subject of Miss Snapper, whom the one
represented as unworthy of notice, and the other proposed as the
object of my whole attention: the advantages and disadvantages of
such a match were opposed to one another by my imagination; and,
at length, my judgment gave it so much in favour of the first, that
I resolved to prosecute my scheme with all the address in my power.
I thought I perceived some concern in her countenance, occasioned
by my silence, which she, no doubt, imputed to my disgust at her
mother's behaviour; and, as I believed the old woman could not
fail of ascribing my muteness to the same motive, I determined to
continue that sullen conduct towards her, and fall upon some other
method of manifesting my esteem for the daughter, nor was it difficult
for me to make her acquainted with my sentiments by the expression
of my looks, which I modelled into the character of humanity and
love; and which were answered by her with all the sympathy and
approbation I could desire. But when I began to consider, that,
without further opportunities of improving my success, all the
progress I had hitherto made would not much avail, and that such
opportunities could not be enjoyed without the mother's permission,
I concluded it would be requisite to vanquish her coldness and
suspicion by my assiduities and respectful behaviour on the road;
and she would, in all likelihood, invite me to visit her at Bath,
where I did not fear of being able to cultivate her acquaintance
as much as would be necessary to the accomplishment of my purpose.
And indeed accident furnished me with an opportunity of obliging
her so much that she could not, with any appearance of good manners,
forbear to gratify my inclination.

When we arrived at our dining-place, we found all the eatables at
the inn bespoke by a certain nobleman, who bad got the start of us
and, in all likelihood, my mistress and her mother must have dined
with Duke Humphrey, had I not exerted myself in their behalf, and
bribed the landlord with a glass of wine to curtail his lordship's
entertainment of a couple of fowls and some bacon, which I sent
with my compliments to the ladies. They accepted my treat with a
great many thanks, and desired I would favour them with my company
at dinner, where I amused the old gentlewoman so successfully,
by maintaining a seemingly disinterested ease in the midst of my
civility, that she signified a desire of being better acquainted,
and hoped I would be so kind as to see her sometimes at Bath. While
I enjoyed myself in this manner, the precise lady had the good
fortune to meet with her husband, who was no other than gentleman,
or, in other words, valet-de-chambre, to the very nobleman whose
coach stood at the door. Proud of the interest she had in the house,
she affected to show her power by introducing the captain to her
spouse as a person who had treated her with great civility upon
which he was invited to a share of their dinner; while the poor
lawyer, finding himself utterly abandoned, made application to me,
and was through my intercession admitted into our company. Having
satisfied our appetites, and made ourselves merry at the expense of
the person of honour, the civil captain, and complaisant husband,
I did myself the pleasure of discharging the bill by stealth, for
which I received a great many apologies and acknowledgments from
my guests, and we re-embarked at the first warning. The officer was
obliged, at last, to appease his hunger with a luncheon of bread
and cheese, and a pint bottle of brandy, which he dispatched in
the coach, cursing the inappetence of his lordship, who had ordered
dinner to be put back a whole hour.

Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our
journey, which was finished next day, when I waited on the ladies
to the house of a relation, in which they intended to lodge, and,
passing that night at the inn, took lodgings in the morning for
myself.

The forenoon was spent in visiting everything that was worth seeing
in the place, in company with a gentleman to whom Banter had given
me a letter of introduction; and in the afternoon I waited on the
ladies, and found Miss a good deal indisposed with the fatigue of
their journey. As they foresaw they should have occasion for a male
acquaintance to squire them at all public places, I was received
with great cordiality, and had the mother's permission to conduct
them next day to the Long Room, which we no sooner entered, than
the eyes of everybody present were turned upon us, and, when we had
suffered the martyrdom of their looks for some time, a whisper
circulated at our expense, which was accompanied with many
contemptuous smiles and tittering observations, to my utter shame
and confusion. I did not so much conduct as follow my charge to
a place where she seated her mother and herself with astonishing
composure notwithstanding the unmannerly behaviour of the whole
company, which seemed to be assumed merely to put her out of
countenance. The celebrated Mr. Nash, who commonly attends in this
place, as master of the ceremonies, perceiving the disposition
of the assembly, took upon himself the task of gratifying their
ill-nature further, by exposing my mistress to the edge of his wit.
With this view he approached us, with many bows and grimaces, and,
after having welcomed Miss Snapper to the place, asked her in the
hearing of all present, if she could inform him of the name of
Tobit's dog.  Miss was so much incensed at his insolence, that I
should certainly have kicked him where he stood without ceremony,
had not the young lady prevented the effects of my indignation,
by replying with the utmost vivacity, "His name was Nash, and an
impudent dog he was." This repartee so unexpected and just, raised
such a universal laugh at the aggressor, that all his assurance was
insufficient to support him under their derision; so that, after
he had endeavoured to compose himself by taking snuff and forcing
a smile, he was obliged to sneak off in a ludicrous attitude, while
my Dulcinea was applauded to the skies for the brilliancy of her
wit, and her acquaintance immediately courted by the best people
of both sexes in the room.

This event, with which I was indefinitely pleased at first, did not
fail of alarming me, upon further reflection, when I considered,
that the more she was caressed by persons of distinction, the more
her pride would be inflamed, and consequently, the obstacles to
my success multiplied and enlarged. Nor were my presaging fears
untrue.  That very night I perceived her a little intoxicated with
the incense she had received, and, though, she still behaved with
a particular civility to me, I foresaw, that, as soon as her fortune
should be known, she would be surrounded with a swarm of admirers,
some of whom might possibly, by excelling me on point of wealth,
or in the arts of flattery and scandal, supplant me in her esteem,
and find means to make the mother of his party. I resolved therefore
to lose no time, and, being invited to spend the evening with them,
found an opportunity, in spite of the old gentlewoman's vigilance, to
explain the meaning of my glances in the coach, by paying homage
to her wit, and professing myself enamoured of her person. She
blushed at my declaration and in a favourable manner disapproved of
the liberty I had taken, putting me in mind of our being strangers
to each other, and desiring I would not be the means of interrupting
our acquaintance, by any such unseasonable strokes of gallantry for
the future. My ardour was effectually checked by this reprimand,
which was, however, delivered in a gentle manner, that I had no
cause to be disobliged; and the arrival of her mother relieved me
from a dilemma in which I should not have known how to demean myself
a minute longer. Neither could I resume the easiness of carriage
with which I came in; my mistress acted on the reserve, and the
conversation beginning to flag, the old lady introduced her kinswoman
of the house, and proposed a hand at whist.

While we amused ourselves at this diversion, I understood from the
gentlewoman, that there was to be an assembly next night at which
I begged to have the honour of dancing with Miss. She thanked
me for the favour I intended her, assured me she never did dance,
but signified a desire of seeing the company, when I offered my
service, which was accepted, not a little proud of being exempted
from appearing with her in a situation, that, notwithstanding my
profession to the contrary, was not at all agreeable to my inclination.

Having supped, and continued the game, till such time as the
successive yawns of the mother warned me to be gone, I took my
leave, and went home, where I made Strap very happy with an account
of my progress. Next day I put on my gayest apparel, and went to
drink tea at Mrs. Snapper's, according to appointment, when I found,
to my inexpressible satisfaction, that she was laid up with the
toothache, and that Miss was to be intrusted to my care.  Accordingly,
we set out for the ball-room pretty early in the evening, and took
possession of a commodious place, where we had not sat longer than
a quarter of an hour, when a gentleman, dressed in a green frock,
came in, leading a young lady, whom I immediately discovered to be
the adorable Narcissa! Good heaven! what were the thrillings of my
soul at that instant! my reflection was overwhelmed with a torrent
of agitation! my heart throbbed with surprising violence! a sudden
mist overspread my eyes, my ears were invaded with a dreadful sound!
I panted for want of breath, and, in short, was for some moments
entranced! This first tumult subsiding, a crowd of flattering ideas
rushed upon my imagination. Everything, that was soft, sensible,
and engaging, in the character of that dear creature recurred
to my remembrance, and every favourable circumstance of my own
qualifications appeared in all the aggravation of self-conceit,
to heighten my expectation! Neither was this transport of long
duration. The dread of her being already disposed of intervened,
and overcast my enchanting reverie! My presaging apprehension
represented her encircled in the arms of some happy rival, and in
consequence for ever lost to me. I was stung with this suggestion,
and, believing the person who conducted her to be the husband of this
amiable young lady, already devoted him to my fury, and stood up
to mark him for my vengeance, when I recollected, to my unspeakable
joy, her brother the fox-hunter, in the person of her gallant.

Undeceived so much to my satisfaction in this particular, I gazed
in a frenzy of delight on the irresistible charms of his sister,
who no sooner distinguished me in the crowd, than her evident
confusion afforded a happy omen to my flame. At sight of me she
started, the roses instantly vanished from her polished cheeks,
and returned in a moment with a double glow, that overspread her
lovely neck, while her enchanting bosom heaved with strong emotion.
I hailed these favourable symptoms, and, lying in wait for her looks,
did homage with my eyes. She seemed to approve my declaration, by
the complacency of her aspect; and I was so transported with the
discovery, that more than once I was on the point of making up to
her, to disclose the throbbings of my heart in person, had not that
profound veneration, which her presence always inspired, restrained
the unseasonable impulse. All my powers being engrossed in this
manner, it may easily be imagined how ill I entertained Miss Snapper
on whom I could not now turn my eyes, without making comparisons
very little to her advantage. It was not even in my power to return
distinct answers to the questions she asked from time to time, so
that she could not help observing my absence of mind; and having
a turn for observation, watched my glances, and, tracing them to
the divine object, discovered the cause of my disorder. That she
might, however, be convinced of the truth of her conjecture, she
began to interrogate me with regard to Narcissa, and, notwithstanding
all my endeavours to disguise my sentiments, perceived my attachment
by my confusion: upon which, she assumed a stateliness of behaviour,
and sat silent during the remaining part of the entertainment. At
any other time, her suspicion would have alarmed me: but now I was
elevated by my passion above every other consideration. The mistress
of my soul having retired with her brother, I discovered so much
uneasiness at my situation, that Miss Snapper proposed to go home;
and, while I conducted her to a chair, told me she had too great a
regard for me to keep me any longer in torment. I feigned ignorance
of her meaning, and having seen her safely at her lodgings, took
my leave, and went home in an ecstasy, where I disclosed everything
that had happened to my confidant and humble servant, Strap, who
did not relish the accident so well as I expected; and observed,
that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. "But, however,"
said he, "you know best--you know best." Next day, as, I went to
the Pump Room, in hopes of seeing or hearing some tidings of my
fair enslaver, I was met by a gentlewoman, who, having looked hard
at me, cried, "O Christ, Mr. Random!" Surprised at this exclamation,
I examined the countenance of the person who spoke, and immediately
recognised my old sweetheart and fellow sufferer, Miss Williams.

I was mightily pleased to find this unfortunate woman under such
a decent appearance, professed my joy at seeing her so well, and
desired to know where I should have the pleasure of her conversation.
She was as heartily rejoiced at the apparent easiness of my fortune,
and gave me to know that she, as yet, had no habitation that she
could properly call her own; but would wait on me at any place
I should please to appoint. Understanding that she was unengaged
for the present, I showed her the way to my lodgings, where, after
a very affectionate salutation, she informed me of her being very
happy in the service of a young lady to whom she was recommended by
a former mistress deceased, into whose family she had recommended
herself by the honest deceit she had concerted, while she lived with
me in the garret at London. She then expressed a vehement desire
to be acquainted with the vicissitudes of my life since we parted,
and excused her curiosity on account of the concern she had for my
interest. I forthwith gratified her request, and, when I described
my situation in Sussex, perceived her to attend to my story with
particular eagerness. She interrupted me, when I had finished that
period, with, "Good God! is it possible?" and then begged I would
be so good as to continue my relation; which I did as briefly as I
could, burning with impatience to know the cause of her surprise,
about which I had already formed a very interesting conjecture.

When I had brought my adventures down to the present day, who seemed
very much affected with the different circumstances of my fortune;
and saying, with a smile, she believed my distresses were now at a
period, proceeded to inform me that the lady whom she served was
no other than the charming Narcissa, who had honoured her with
her confidence for some time; in consequence of which trust, she
had often repeated the story of John Brown with great admiration
and regard; that she loved to dwell upon the particulars of his
character, and did not scruple to own a tender approbation of his
flame. I became delirious at this piece of intelligence, strained
Miss Williams in my embrace, called her the angel of my happiness,
and acted such extravagances, that she might have been convinced
of my sincerity, had she not been satisfied of my honour before.
As soon as was in condition to yield attention, she described the
present situation of her mistress, who had no sooner reached her
lodgings the night before, than she closeted her, and in a rapture
of joy gave her to know that she had seen me at the ball, where
I appeared in the character which she always thought my due, with
such advantage of transformation that, unless my image had been
engraven on her heart, it would have been impossible to know me for
the person who had worn her aunt's livery; that by the language of
my eyes, she was assured of the continuance of my passion for her,
and consequently of my being unengaged to any other; and that, though
she did not doubt I would speedily fall upon some method of being
introduced, she was so impatient to hear of me, that she (Miss
Williams) had been sent abroad this very morning, on purpose to
learn the name and character I at present bore. My bosom had been
hitherto a stranger to such a flood of joy as now rushed upon it;
my faculties were overborne by the tide; it was some time before I
could open my mouth, and much longer ere I could utter a coherent
sentence. At length, I fervently requested her to lead me immediately
to the object of my adoration; but she resisted my importunity, and
explained the danger of such premature conduct.  "How favourable
soever," said she, "my lady's inclination towards you may be, you
may depend upon it, she will not commit the smallest trespass on
decorum, either in disclosing her own, or in receiving a declaration
of your passion: and, although the great veneration I have for you
has prompted me to reveal what she communicated to me in confidence,
I know so well the severity of her sentiments with respect to the
punctilios of her sex that, if she should learn the least surmise
of it, she would not only dismiss me as a wretch unworthy of
her benevolence, but also for ever shun the efforts of your love."
I assented to the justness of her remonstrance, and desired she
would assist me with her advice and direction: upon which it was
concerted between us, that for the present I should be contented
with her telling Narcissa that, in the course of her inquiries, she
could only learn my name: and that, if, in a day or two, I could
fall upon no other method of being introduced to her mistress,
she would deliver a letter from me, on pretence of consulting her
happiness: and say that I met her in the streets, and bribed her
to this piece of service. Matters being thus adjusted, I kept my
old acquaintance to breakfast, and learned from her conversation,
that my rival Sir Timothy had drunk himself into an apoplexy, of
which he died five months ago; that the savage was still unmarried
and that his aunt had been seized with a whim which he little
expected, and chosen the schoolmaster of the parish for her lord
and husband: but matrimony not agreeing with her constitution she
had been hectic and dropsical a good while, and was now at Bath,
in order to drink the waters for the recovery of her health; that
her niece had accompanied her thither at her request, and attended
her with the same affection as before, notwithstanding the mistake
she had committed: and that the nephew, who had been exasperated at
the loss of her fortune, did not give his attendance out of good
will, but purely to have an eye on his sister, lest she should
likewise throw herself away without his consent or approbation.
Having enjoyed ourselves in this manner, and made an assignation
to meet next day at a certain place, Miss Williams took her leave;
and Strap's looks being very inquisitive about the nature of the
communication subsisting between us, I made him acquainted with
the whole affair, to his great astonishment and satisfaction.





CHAPTER LVI




I become acquainted with Narcissa's brother, who invites me to
his House, where I am introduced to that adorable Creature--after
dinner, the Squire retires to take his nap--Freeman, guessing
the Situation of my Thought, withdraws likewise, on pretence of
Business--I declare my passion for Narcissa--am well-received--charmed
with her Conversation--the Squire detains us to Supper--I elude
his design by a Stratagem, and get home sober


In the afternoon, I drank tea at the house of Mr. Freeman, to whom
I had been recommended by Banter; where I had not sat five minutes,
till the foxhunter came in, and by his familiar behaviour appeared
to be intimate with my friend. I was, at first, under some concern,
lest he should recollect my features; but when I found myself
introduced to him as a gentleman from London, without being discovered,
I blessed the opportunity that brought me into his company; hoping
that, in the course of my acquaintance, he would invite me to his
house; nor were my hopes frustrated, for, as we spent the evening
together, he grew extremely fond of my conversation, asked a great
many childish questions about France and foreign parts; and seemed
so highly entertained with my answers, that in his cups he shook
me often by the hand, pronounced me an honest fellow, and in fine
desired our company at dinner next day, at his civil house. My
imagination was so much employed in anticipating the happiness I
was to enjoy next day, that I slept very little that night; but,
rising early in the morning, went to the place appointed, where I
met my she-friend, and imparted to her my success with the squire.
She was very much pleased at the occasion, "which," she said, "could
not fail of being agreeable to Narcissa, who, in spite of her passion
for me, had mentioned some scruples relating to my true situation
and character, which the delicacy of her sentiments suggested, and
which she believed I would find it necessary to remove, though she
did not know how." I was a good deal startled at this insinuation,
because I foresaw the difficulty I should find in barely doing
myself justice: for, although it never was my intention to impose
myself upon any woman, much less on Narcissa, I laid claim to the
character of a gentleman by birth, education, and behaviour; and yet
(so unlucky had the circumstances of my life fallen out) I should
find it a very hard matter to make good my pretensions even to
these, especially to the last, which was the most essential. Miss
Williams was as sensible as I of this my disadvantage, but comforted
me with observing that, when once a woman has bestowed her affections
on a man, she cannot help judging of him in all respects with
a partiality easily influenced in his favour: she remarked that,
although some situations of my life had been low, yet none of them
had been infamous; that my indigence had been the crime not of me,
but of fortune; and that the miseries I had undergone, by improving
the faculties both of mind and body, qualified me the more for any
dignified station; and would of consequence recommend me to the
good graces of any sensible woman: she therefore advised me to be
always open and unreserved to the inquiries of my mistress, without
unnecessarily betraying the meanest occurrences of my fate; and
trust to the strength of her love and reflection for the rest.

The sentiments of this sensible young woman on this, as well as on
almost every other subject, perfectly agreed with mine. I thanked
her for the care she took of my interests, and, promising to behave
myself according to her directions we parted, after she had assured
me that I depend upon her best offices with her mistress, and that
she would from time to time communicate to me such intelligence as
she could procure, relating to my flame. Having dressed myself to
the best advantage, I waited for the time of dinner with the most
fearful impatience; and, as the hour drew near, my heart beat with
such increased velocity, and my spirits contracted such disorder,
that I began to suspect my resolution, and even to wish myself
disengaged. At last Mr. Freeman called at my lodgings in his way,
and I accompanied him to the house where all my happiness was
deposited. We were very kindly received by the squire, who sat
smoking his pipe in a parlour, and asked if we chose to drink any
thing before dinner: though I never had more occasion for a cordial,
I was ashamed to accept his offer, which was also refused, by
my friend. We sat down, however, entered into conversation, which
lasted half-an hour, so that I had time to recollect myself; and
(so capricious were my thoughts) even to hope that Narcissa would
not appear--when, all of a sudden, a servant coming in, gave us
notice that dinner was upon the table, and my perturbation returned
with such violence that I could scarcely conceal it from the company,
as I ascended the staircase. When I entered the dining-room, the
first object that saluted my ravished eyes was the divine Narcissa,
blushing like Aurora, adorned with all the graces that meekness,
innocence, and beauty can diffuse! I was seized with a giddiness,
my knees tottered and I scarce had strength enough to perform the
ceremony of salutation, when her brother, slapping me on the shoulder,
cried, "Measure Randan, that there is my sister." I approached her
with eagerness and fear; but in the moment of our embrace, my soul
was agonized with rapture! It was a lucky circumstance for us
both, that my entertainer was not endued with an uncommon stock
of penetration; for our mutual confusion was so manifest that Mr.
Freeman perceived it, and as we went home together, congratulated
me on my good fortune. But so far was Bruin from entertaining the
least suspicion, that he encouraged me to begin a conversation
with my mistress in a language unknown to him, by telling her, that
he had a gentleman who could jabber with her in French and other
foreign lingoes as fast as she pleased; then, turning to me, said,
"Odds bobs! I wish you would hold discourse with her in your French
or Italian, and tell me if she understands it as well as she would
be thought to do. There's her aunt and she will chatter together
whole days in it, and I can't have a mouthful of English for love
or money." I consulted the look of my amiable mistress and found her
averse to his proposal, which indeed she declined with a sweetness
of denial peculiar to herself, as a piece of disrespect to that part
of the company which did not understand the language in question.
As I had the happiness of sitting opposite to her, I feasted my
eyes much more than my palate which she tempted in vain with the
most delicious bits carved by her fair hand, and recommended by
her persuasive tongue; but all my other appetites were swallowed
up in immensity of my love, which I fed by gazing incessantly on
the delightful object. Dinner was scarcely ended, when the squire
became very drowsy, and after several dreadful yawns, got up,
stretched himself, took two or three turns across the room, begged
we would allow him to take a short nap, and, having laid a strong
injunction on his sister to detain us till his return, went to his
repose without further ceremony. He had not been gone many minutes,
when Freeman, guessing the situation of my heart, and thinking
he could not do me a greater favour than to leave me alone with
Narcissa, pretended to recollect himself all of a sudden, and,
starting up, begged the lady pardon for half-an-hour, for he had
unluckily remembered an engagement of some consequence, that he must
perform at that instant: so saying, he took his leave, promising
to come back time enough for tea, leaving my mistress and me in
great confusion.

Now that I enjoyed an opportunity of disclosing the paintings of
my soul, I had not the power to use it. I studied many pathetic
declarations, but, when I attempted to give them utterance, my
tongue denied its office and she sat silent with a downcast look
full of anxious alarm, her bosom heaving with expectation of some
great event. At length I endeavoured to put an end to this solemn
pause, and began with, "It is very surprising, madam, madam"--here
the sound dying away, I made a full stop; while Narcissa, starting,
blushed, and, with a timid accent answered, "Sir?" Confounded at
this note of interrogation, I pronounced with the most sheepish
bashfulness, "Madam!" To which she replied, "I beg pardon--I thought
you had spoken to me." Another pause ensued--I made another effort,
and, though my voice faltered very much at the beginning, made
shift to express myself in this manner: "I say, madam, it is very
surprising that love should act so inconsistently with itself, as
to deprive its votaries of the use of their faculties, when they
have most need of them. Since the happy occasion of being alone
with you presented itself, I have made many unsuccessful attempts
to declare a passion for the loveliest of her sex--a passion which
took possession of my soul, while my cruel fate compelled me to wear
a servile disguise so unsuitable to my birth, sentiments, and let
me add, my deserts; yet favourable in one respect, as it furnished
me with opportunities of seeing and adoring your perfections. Yes,
madam, it was then your dear idea entered my bosom, where it has
lived unimpaired in the midst of numberless cares, and animated me
against a thousand dangers and calamities!"

While I spoke thus, she concealed her face with her fan, and when
I ceased speaking, recovering herself from the most beautiful
confusion, told me she thought herself very much obliged by my
favourable opinion of her, and that she was very sorry to hear I
had been unfortunate. Encouraged by this gentle reply, I proceeded,
owned myself sufficiently recompensed by her kind compassion
for what I had undergone, and declared the future happiness of my
life depended solely upon her. "Sir," said she, "I should be very
ungrateful, if after the signal protection you once afforded me, I
should refuse to contribute towards your happiness in any reasonable
condescension." Transported at this acknowledgment I threw myself
at her feet, and begged she would regard my passion with a favourable
eye. She was alarmed at my behaviour, entreated me to rise lest her
brother should discover me in that posture, and to spare her for
the present upon a subject for which she was altogether unprepared.
In consequence of this remonstrance, I rose, assuring her I would
rather die than disobey her: but in the meantime begged her to
consider how precious the minutes of this opportunity were, and
what restraint I put upon my inclinations, in sacrificing them to
her desire. She smiled with unspeakable sweetness, and said there
would be no want of opportunities, provided I could maintain the
good opinion her brother had conceived of me, and I, enchanted by
her charms, seized her hand, which I well nigh devoured with kisses.
But she checked my boldness with a severity of countenance, and
desired I would not so far forget myself to her, as to endanger the
esteem she had for me; she reminded me of our being almost strangers
to each other, and of the necessity there was for her knowing me
better, before she could take any resolution in my favour; and, in
short, mingled so much good sense and complacency in her reproof,
that I became as much enamoured of her understanding as I had been
before of her beauty, and asked pardon for my presumption with
the utmost reverence of conviction. She forgave my offence with
her usual affability, and sealed my pardon with a look so full of
bewitching tenderness, that, for some minutes, my senses were lost
in ecstacy! I afterwards endeavoured to regulate my behaviour according
to her desire, and turn the conversation upon a more indifferent
subject; but her presence was an insurmountable obstacle to my
design; while I beheld so much excellence, I found it impossible
to call my attention from the contemplation of it! I gazed with
unutterable fondness! I grew mad with admiration! "My condition is
insupportable!" cried I: "I am distracted with passion!  Why are
you so exquisitely fair?--why are you so enchantingly good?--why
has nature dignified you with charms so much above the standard of
woman? and, wretch that I am, how dare my unworthiness aspire to
the enjoyment of such perfection!"

She was startled at my ravings, reasoned down my transport, and by
her irresistible eloquence, soothed my soul into a state of tranquil
felicity; but, lest I might suffer a relapse, industriously promoted
other subjects to entertain my imagination. She chid me for having
omitted to inquire about her aunt who (she assured me), in the midst
of all her absence of temper, and detachment from common affairs,
often talked of me with uncommon warmth. I professed my veneration
for the good lady, excused my omission, by imputing it to the
violence of my love, which engrossed my whole soul, and desired to
know the situation of her health. Upon which, the amiable Narcissa
repeated what I had heard before of her marriage, with all the
tenderness for her reputation that the subject would admit of; told
me she lived with her husband hard by, and was so much afflicted
with the dropsy, and wasted by a consumption, that she had small
hopes of her recovery. Having expressed my sorrow for her distemper,
I questioned her about my good friend, Mrs, Sagely, who, I learned
to my great satisfaction, was in good health, and who had by the
encomiums she bestowed upon me after I was gone, confirmed the
favourable impression my behaviour at parting had made on Narcissa's
heart. This circumstance introduced an inquiry into the conduct
of Sir Timothy Thicket, who (she informed me) had found means to
incense her brother so much against me that she found it impossible
to undeceive him: but, on the contrary, suffered very much in her
own character by his scandalous insinuations; that the whole parish
was alarmed, and actually in pursuit of me; so that she had been
in the utmost consternation on my account, well knowing how little
my own innocence and her testimony would have weighed with the
ignorance, prejudice, and brutality of those who must have judged
me, had I been apprehended; that Sir Timothy, having been seized
with a fit of apoplexy, from which with great difficulty he was
recovered, began to be apprehensive of death, and to prepare himself
accordingly for that great event; as a step to which he sent for
her brother, owned with great contrition the brutal design he had
upon her, and in consequence acquitted me of the assault, robbery,
and correspondence with her, which he had laid to my charge; after
which confession he lived about a month in a languishing condition,
and was carried off by a second assault.

Every word that this dear creature spoke, riveted the chains with
which she held me enslaved! My mischievous fancy began to work,
and the tempest of my passion to wake again, when the return of
Freeman destroyed the tempting opportunity, and enabled me to quell
the rising tumult. A little while after, the squire staggered into
the room, rubbing his eyes, and called for his tea, which he drank
out of a small bowl, qualified with brandy; while we took it in the
usual way, Narcissa left us in order to visit her aunt; and when
Freeman and I proposed to take our leave, the foxhunter insisted
on our spending the evening at his house with such obstinacy of
affection, that we were obliged to comply. For my own part, I should
have been glad of the invitation, by which, in all likelihood, I
should be blessed with more of his sisters company, had I not been
afraid of risking her esteem, by entering into a debauch of drinking
with him, which, from the knowledge of his character, I foresaw
would happen: but there was no remedy. I was forced to rely upon the
strength of my constitution, which I hoped would resist intoxication
longer than the squire's, and to trust to the good nature and
discretion of my mistress for the rest.

Our entertainer, resolving to begin by times, ordered the table to
be furnished with liquor and glasses immediately after tea, but we
absolutely refused to set in for drinking so soon; and prevailed
upon him to pass away an hour or two at whist, in which we engaged
as soon as Narcissa returned. The savage and I happened to be
partners at first, and, as my thoughts were wholly employed in a
more interesting game, I played so ill that he lost all patience,
swore bitterly, and threatened to call for wine, if they would not
grant him another associate. This desire was gratified, and Narcissa
and I were of a side; he won for the same reason that made him lose
before; I was satisfied, my lovely partner did not repine, and the
time slipped away very agreeably, until we were told that supper
was served in another room.

The squire was enraged to find the evening so unprofitably spent,
and wreaked his vengeance on the cards, which he tore, and committed
to the flames with many execrations; threatening to make us redeem
our loss with a large glass and quick circulation; and indeed we
had no sooner supped, and my charmer withdrawn, than he began to
put his threat in execution. Three bottles of port (for he drank
no other sort of wine) were placed before us, with as many water
glasses, which were immediately filled to the brim, after his
example, by each out of his respective allowance, and emptied in a
trice to the best in Christendom. Though I swallowed this, and the
next, as fast as the glass could be replenished, without hesitation
or show of reluctance, I perceived that my brain would not be able
to bear many bumpers of this sort, and dreading the perseverance
of a champion who began with such vigour, I determined to make up
for the deficiency of my strength by a stratagem, which I actually
put in practice when the second course of bottles was called for. The
wine being strong and heady, I was already a good deal discomposed
by the dispatch we had made. Freeman's eyes began to reel, and
Bruin himself was elevated into a song, which he uttered with great
vociferation. When I therefore saw the second round brought in, I
assumed a gay air, entertained him with a French catch on the subject
of drinking, which, though he did rot understand it, delighted him
highly; and, telling him your choice spirits at Paris never troubled
themselves with glasses, asked if he had not a bowl or cup in the
house that would contain a whole quart of wine. "Odds niggers!"
cried he, "I have a silver candle cup that holds just the quantity,
for all the world; fetch it hither, Numps." The vessel being produced,
I bade him decant his bottle into it, which he having done, I nodded
in a very deliberate manner, and said, "Pledge you." He stared
at me for some time, and crying, "What! all at one pull, Measter
Randan?" I answered, "At one pull, Sir, you are no milk-sop--we
shall do you justice." "Shall you?" said he, shaking me by the
hand; "odds then, I'll see it out, an't were a mile to the bottom:
here's to our better acquaintance, measter Randan," So saying, he
applied it to his lips, and emptied it in a breath. I knew the effect
of it would be almost instantaneous; therefore taking the cup, began
to discharge my bottle into it, telling him he was now qualified
to drink with the Cham of Tartary. I had no sooner pronounced these
words than he took umbrage at them, and after several attempts to
spit, made shift to stutter, "A f--t for your Chams of T--Tartary!
I am a f--f--freeborn Englishman, worth th--three thousand a-year,
and v--value no man, d--me." Then, dropping his jaw, and fixing
his eyes, he hiccuped aloud, and fell upon the floor as mute as n
flounder. Mr. Freeman, heartily glad at his defeat, assisted me in
carrying him to bed, where we left him to the care of his servants,
and went home to our respective habitations, congratulating each
other on our good fortune.





CHAPTER LVII




Miss Williams informs me of Narcissa's Approbation of my Flame--I
appease the Squire--write to my Mistress--am blessed with an
Answer--beg Leave of her Brother to dance with her at a Ball--obtain
his Consent and hers--enjoy a private Conversation with her--am
perplexed with Reflections--have the Honour of appearing her
Partner at a Ball--we are complimented by a certain Nobleman--he
discovers some Symptoms of a Passion for Narcissa--I am stung with
Jealousy--Narcissa, alarmed, retires--I observe Melinda in the
company--the Squire is captivated by her Beauty


I was met next morning at the usual place by Miss Williams, who
gave me joy of the progress I had made in the affection of her
mistress, and blessed me with an account of that dear creature's
conversation with her, after she had retired the night before
from our company. I could scarce believe her information, when
she recounted her expressions in my favour, so much more warm and
passionate were they than my most sanguine hopes had presaged; and
was particularly pleased to hear that she approved of my behaviour
to her brother after she withdrew. Transported at the news of my
happiness, I presented my ring to the messenger as a testimony of
my gratitude and satisfaction; but she was above such mercenary
considerations, and refused my compliment with some resentment, saying,
she was not a little mortified to see my opinion of her so low and
contemptible.  I did myself a piece of justice by explaining my
behaviour on this head, and to convince her of my esteem, promised
to be ruled by her directions in the prosecution of the whole affair,
which I had so much at heart, that the repose of my life depended
upon the consequence.

As I fervently wished for another interview, where I might pour
out the effusion of my love without danger of being interrupted,
and perhaps reep some endearing return from the queen of my desires,
I implored her advice and assistance in promoting this event: but
she gave me to understand, that Narcissa would make no precipitate
compliances of this kind, and I would do well to cultivate her
brother's acquaintance, in the course of which I should not want
opportunities of removing that reserve which my mistress thought
herself obliged to maintain during the infancy of our correspondence.
In the meantime she promised to tell her lady that I had endeavoured
by presents and persuasions, to prevail upon her (Miss Williams) to
deliver a letter from me, which she had refused to charge herself
with, until she should know Narcissa's sentiments of the matter;
and said, by these means she did not doubt of being able to
open a literary communication between us, which could not fail of
introducing more intimate connections.

I approved of her counsel, and, our appointment being renewed for
the next day, left her with an intent of falling upon some method
of being reconciled to the squire, who, I supposed, would be offended
with the trick we had put upon him. With this view I consulted
Freeman, who, from his knowledge of the foxhunter's disposition,
assured me there was no other method of pacifying him, than that
of sacrificing ourselves for one night to an equal match with him
in drinking. This expedient I found myself necessitated to comply
with for the interest of my passion, and therefore determined to
commit the debauch at my own lodgings, that I might run no risk
of being discovered by Narcissa, in a state of brutal degeneracy.
Mr.  Freeman, who was to be of the party, went, at my desire, to
the squire, in order to engage him, while I took care to furnish
myself for his reception. My invitation was accepted, my guests
honoured me with their company in the evening, when Bruin gave me
to understand that he had drunk many tons of wine in his life, but
was never served such a trick as I had played upon him the night
before. I promised to atone for my trespass, and, having ordered
to every man his bottle, began the contest with a bumper to the
health of Narcissa. The toasts circulated with great devotion,
the liquor began to operate, our mirth grew noisy, and, as Freeman
said, I had the advantage of drinking small French claret, the
savage was effectually tamed before our senses were in the least
affected, and carried home in an apoplexy of drunkenness.

I was next morning, as usual, favoured with a visit from my kind and
punctual confidante, who, telling me she was permitted to receive
my letters for her mistress, I took up the pen immediately, and,
following the first dictates of my passion, wrote as follows:

    "Dear Madam,
    Were it possible for the powers of utterance to reveal the
    soft emotions of my soul, the fond anxiety, the glowing hopes,
    the chilling flame, that rule my breast by turns, I should need
    no other witness than this paper, to evince the purity and ardour
    of that flame your charms have kindled in my heart, But alas!
    expression wrongs my love! I am inspired with conceptions that no
    language can convey! Your beauty fills me with wonder, your
    understanding with ravishment, and your goodness with adoration!
    I am transported with desire, distracted with doubts, and
    tortured with impatience. Suffer me then, lovely arbitress of my
    fate, to approach you in person, to breathe in soft murmurs my
    passion to your ear, to offer the sacrifice of a heart overflowing
    with the most genuine and disinterested love, to gaze with ecstacy
    on the divine object of my wishes, to hear the music of her
    enchanting tongue, and to rejoice in her smiles of approbation,
    which will banish the most intolerable suspense from the bosom of
                                "Your enraptured, R-- R--."

Having finished this effusion, I committed it to the care of my
faithful friend, with an injunction to second my entreaty with all
her eloquence and influence, and in the meantime went to dress, with
an intention of visiting Mrs. Snapper and Miss, whom I had utterly
neglected, and indeed almost forgotten, since my dear Narcissa had
resumed the empire of my soul. The old gentlewoman received me very
kindly, and Miss affected a frankness and gaiety which, however,
I could easily perceive was forced and dissembled: among other
things, she pretended to joke me upon my passion for Narcissa,
which she averred was no secret, and asked if I intended to dance
with her at the next assembly. I was a good deal concerned to
find myself become the town talk on this subject, lest the squire,
having notice of my inclinations, should disapprove of them, and,
by breaking off all correspondence with me, deprive me of the
opportunities I now enjoyed. But I resolved to use the interest
I had with him, while it lasted; and that very night, meeting him
occasionally, asked his permission to solicit her company at the
ball, which he very readily granted, to my inexpressible satisfaction.

Having been kept awake the greatest part of the night by a thousand
delightful reveries that took possession of my fancy, I got up by
times, and, flying to the place of rendezvous, had in a little time
the pleasure of seeing Miss Williams approach with a smile on her
countenance, which I interpreted into a good omen. Neither was
I mistaken in my presage. She presented me with a letter from the
idol of my soul, which, after having kissed it devoutly, I opened
with the utmost eagerness, and was blessed with her approbation in
these terms:

    "Sir,
    "To say I look upon you with indifference would be a piece of
    dissimulation which I think no decorum requires, and no custom
    can justify. As my heart never felt an impression that my tongue
    was ashamed to declare, I will not scruple to own myself pleased
    with your passion; confident of your integrity, and so well
    convinced of my own discretion, that I should not hesitate in
    granting you the interview you desire, were I not overawed by
    the prying curiosity of a malicious world, the censure of which
    might be fatally prejudicial to the reputation of
                                               Your Narcissa."

No anchorite in the ecstacy of devotion ever adored a relic with
more fervour than that with which I kissed this inimitable proof
of my charmer's candour, generosity, and affection! I read it over
a hundred times, was ravished with her confession in the beginning;
but the subscription of Your Narcissa yielded me such delight as
I had never felt before! My happiness was still increased by Miss
Williams, who blessed me with a repetition of her lady's tender
expressions in my favour, when she received and read my letter.
In short, I had all the reason in the world to believe that this
gentle creature's bosom was possessed by a passion for me, as warm,
though perhaps not so impetuous as mine for her.

I informed my friend of the squire's consent to my dancing with
Narcissa at the ball and desired her to tell her mistress, that
I would do myself the honour of visiting her in the afternoon,
in consequence of his permission, when I hoped to find her as
indulgent as her brother had been complaisant in that particular.
Miss Williams expressed a good deal of joy at hearing I was so much
in favour with the foxhunter, and ventured to assure me, that my
visit would be very agreeable to my mistress, the rather because
Bruin was engaged to dine abroad. This was a circumstance which, I
scarce need say, pleased me. I went immediately to the Long Room,
where I found him, and, affecting to know nothing of his engagement,
told him, I would do myself the pleasure to wait upon him in the
afternoon, and to present his sister with a ticket for the ball.
He shook me by the band, according to custom, and, giving me to
understand that he was to dine abroad, desired me to go and drink
tea with Narcissa notwithstanding, and promised to prepare her for
my visit in the meantime.

Everything succeeding thus to my wish, I waited with incredible
impatience for the time, which no sooner arrived than I hastened
to the scene, which my fancy had preoccupied long before. I
was introduced accordingly to the dear enchantress, whom I found
accompanied by Miss Williams, who, on pretence of ordering tea,
retired at my approach. This favourable accident, which alarmed
my whole soul, disordered her also. I found myself actuated by an
irresistible impulse; I advanced to her with eagerness and awe;
and, profiting by the confusion that prevailed over her, clasped
the fair angel in my arms, and imprinted a glowing kiss upon her
lips, more soft and fragrant than the dewy rosebud just bursting
from the stem!  Her face was in an instant covered with blushes,
her eyes sparkled with resentment; I threw myself at her feet, and
implored her pardon. Her love became advocate in my cause; her look
softened into forgiveness; she raised me up, and chid me with so
much sweetness of displeasure that I could have been tempted to
repeat the offence, had not the coming in of the servant with the
tea-board prevented my presumption. While we were subject to be
interrupted or overheard, we conversed about the approaching ball,
at which she promised to grace me as a partner, but, when the
equipage was removed, and we were left alone, I resumed the more
interesting theme, and expressed myself with such transport and
agitation, that my mistress, fearing I should commit some extravagance,
rang the bell for her maid, whom she detained in the room, as a
check upon my vivacity. I was not sorry for this precaution, because
I could unbosom myself without reserve before Miss Williams, who
was the confidante of us both. I therefore gave a loose to the
inspirations of my passion, which operated so successfully upon the
tender affections of Narcissa, that she laid aside the constraint
she had hitherto worn, and blessed me with the most melting declaration
of her mutual flame! It was impossible for me to forbear taking the
advantage of this endearing condescension. She now gently yielded
to my embraces; while I, encircling all that I held dear within
my arms, tasted in advance the joys of that paradise I hoped in a
little time wholly to possess! We spent the afternoon in all the
ecstacy of hope that the most fervent love exchanged by mutual
vows could inspire; and Miss Williams was so much affected with
our chaste caresses, which recalled the sad remembrance of what
she was, that her eyes were filled with tears.

The evening being pretty far advanced, I forced myself from the
dear object of my flame, who indulged me in a tender embrace at
parting, and, repairing to my lodgings, communicated to my friend
Strap every circumstance of my happiness, which filled him with so
much pleasure, that it ran over at his eyes; and he prayed heartily,
that no envious devil might, as formerly, dash the cup of blessing
from my lip. When I reflected on what had happened, and especially
on the unreserved protestations of Narcissa's love, I could not
help being amazed at her omitting to inquire into the particular
circumstances of life and fortune of one whom she had favoured
with her affection, and I began to be a little anxious about the
situation of her finances; well knowing that I should do an irreparable
injury to the person my soul held most dear, if I should espouse her
without being able to support her in the rank which was certainly
her due. I bad heard, indeed, while I served her aunt, that her
father had left her a considerable sum; and that everybody believed
she would inherit the greatest part of her kinswoman's dowry, but
I did not know how far she might be restricted by the old gentleman's
will in the enjoyment of what he left her: and I was too well
informed of the virtuoso's late conduct, to think my mistress could
have any expectation from that quarter. I confided, however, in
the good sense and policy of my charmer, who, I was sure, would not
consent to unite her fate with mine, before she had fully considered
and provided for the consequence.

The ball night being arrived, I dressed myself in a suit I had
reserved for some grand occasion; and, having drunk tea with Narcissa
and her brother, conducted my angel to the scene, where she, in a
moment, eclipsed all her female competitors for beauty, and attracted
the admiration of the whole assembly. My heart dilated with pride
on this occasion, and my triumph rejected all bounds, when, after
we had danced together, a certain nobleman, remarkable for his
figure, and influence in the beau monde, came up, and in the hearing
of all present, honoured us with a very particular compliment upon
our accomplishments and appearance; but this transport was soon
checked, when I perceived his lordship attach himself with great
assiduity to my mistress, and say some warm things, which, I
thought, savoured too much of passion. It was then I began to feel
the pangs of jealousy; I dreaded the power and address of my rival;
I sickened at his discourse; when she opened her lips to answer,
my heart died within me; when she smiled, I felt the pains of the
damned! I was enraged at his presumption: I cursed her complaisance:
at length he quitted her, and went to the other side of the room.
Narcissa, suspecting nothing of the rage that inflamed me, put some
questions to me as soon as he was gone, to which I made no reply,
but assumed a grim look, which too well denoted the agitation of
my breast, and surprised her not a little.  She no sooner observed
my emotion than she changed colour, and asked what ailed me? but
before I could make answer, her brother, pulling me by the sleeve,
bade me take notice of a lady who sat fronting us, whom I immediately,
to my vast astonishment, distinguished to be Melinda, accompanied
by her mother, and an elderly gentleman, whom I did not know.
"Wounds! Mr. Randan," cried the squire, "is she not a delicate
piece of stuff? 'Sdeath! I have a good mind--if I thought she was
a single person."

Notwithstanding the perplexity I was in, I had reflection enough
to foresee that my passion might suffer greatly by the presence
of this lady, who, in all probability, would revenge herself upon
me, for having formerly disgraced her, by spreading reports to
my prejudice.  I was therefore alarmed at these symptoms of the
Squire's admiration; and for some time did not know what reply to
make, when he asked my opinion of her beauty; at length I came to
a determination, and told him that her name was Melinda, that she
had a fortune of ten thousand pounds, and was said to be under
promise of marriage to a certain lord, who deferred his nuptials
a few mouths until he should be of age. I thought this piece
of intelligence, which I had myself invented, would have hindered
him effectually from entertaining any further thoughts of her; but
I was egregiously mistaken. The foxhunter had too much self-sufficiency
to despair of success against any competitor on earth. He therefore
made light of her engagement, saying, with a smile of self-approbation,
"Mayhap she will change her mind; what signifies his being a lord?
I think myself as good a man as e'er a lord in Christendom, and
I'll see if a commoner worth three thousand a year won't serve her
turn." This determination startled me not a little; I knew he would
soon discover the contrary of what I advanced; and as I believed he
would find her ear open to his addresses, did not doubt of meeting
with every obstacle in my amour that her malice could invent, and
her influence execute. This reflection increased my chagrin--my
vexation was evident. Narcissa insisted on going home immediately:
and, as I led her to the door, her noble admirer, with a look full
of languishment, directed to her a profound bow, which stung me
to the soul. Before she went into the chair, she asked, with an
appearance of concern, what was the matter with me? and I could
pronounce no more than "By heaven, I am distracted!"





CHAPTER LVIII




Tortured with Jealousy, I go Home, and abuse Strap--receive a Message
from Narcissa, in Consequence of which I hasten to her Apartment,
where her endearing Assurances banish all my Doubts and Apprehensions--in
my Retreat discover Somebody in the Dark, whom, suspecting to be
a Spy, I resolve to kill, but, to my great Surprise, am convinced
of his being no other than Strap--Melinda slanders me--I become
acquainted with Lord Quiverwit, who endeavours to sound me with
regard to Narcissa--the Squire is introduced to his Lordship, and
grows cold towards me--I learn from my Confidante, that this Nobleman
professes honourable Love to my Mistress, who continues faithful
to me, notwithstanding the scandalous Reports she had heard to my
Prejudice--I am mortified with an Assurance that her whole Fortune
depends upon the Pleasure of her Brother-Mr. Freeman condoles me
on the Decline of my Character, which I vindicate so much to his
satisfaction, that he undertakes to combat Fame on my behalf


Having uttered this exclamation, at which she sighed, I went home
in the condition of a frantic Bedlamite: and, finding the fire in
my apartment almost extinguished, vented my fury upon poor Strap,
whose ear I pinched with such violence, that he roared hideously
with pain; and, when I quitted my hold, looked so foolishly aghast,
that no unconcerned spectator could have seen him without being
seized with an immoderate fit of laughter. It is true, I was soon
sensible of the injury I had done, and asked pardon for the outrage
I had committed; upon which my faithful valet, shaking his head,
said, "I forgive you, and may God forgive you!" But he could
not help shedding some tears at my unkindness. I felt unspeakable
remorse for what I had done, cursed my own ingratitude, and considered
his tears as a reproach that my soul, in its present disturbance,
could not bear. It set all my passions into a ferment: I swore horrible
oaths without meaning or application. I foamed at the mouth, kicked
the chairs about the room, and played abundance of mad pranks
that frightened my friend almost out of his senses. At length my
transport subsided, I became melancholy, and wept insensibly.

During this state of dejection, I was surprised with the appearance
of Miss Williams, whom Strap, blubbering all the while, had conducted
into the chamber without giving me previous notice of her approach.
She was extremely affected with my condition, which she had learned
from him, begged me to moderate my passion, suspend my conjectures,
and follow her to Narcissa, who desired to see me forthwith.
That dear name operated upon me like a charm! I started up, and,
without opening my lips, was conducted into her apartment through
the garden, which we entered by a private door. I found the adorable
creature in tears; I was melted at the sight--we continued silent
for some time--my heart was too full to speak--her snowy bosom
heaved with fond resentment; at last she sobbing cried, "What have
I done to disoblige you?" My heart was pierced with the tender
question. I drew near with the utmost reverence of affection. I
fell upon my knees before her, and, kissing her hand, exclaimed,
"Oh!  thou art all goodness and perfection! I am undone by want
of merit; I am unworthy to possess thy charms, which heaven bath
destined for the arms of some more favourite being." She guessed
the cause of my disquiet, upbraided me gently for my suspicion, and
gave me such flattering assurances of her eternal fidelity, that
all my doubts and fears forsook me, and peace and satisfaction
reigned within my breast.

At midnight I left the fair nymph to her repose, and, being let
out by Miss Williams at the garden gate by which I entered, began
to explore my way homeward in the dark, when I heard at my back
a noise like that of a baboon when he mews and chatters. I turned
instantly, and, perceiving something black, concluded I was discovered
by some spy, employed to watch for that purpose; aroused at this
conjecture, by which the reputation of the virtuous Narcissa appeared
in jeopardy, I drew my sword, and would have sacrificed him to her
fame, had not the voice of Strap restrained my arm, it was with
great difficulty he could pronounce, "D--d--d-do! mum--um--um--murder
me if you please." Such an effect had the cold upon his jaws, that
his teeth rattled like a pair of castanets. Pleased to be thus
undeceived, I laughed at his consternation, and asked what brought
him thither? Upon which he gave me to understand, that his concern
for me had induced him to follow me to that place, where the same
reason had detained him till now, and he frankly owned, that, in
spite of the esteem he had for Miss Williams. he began to be very
uneasy about me, considering the disposition in which I went abroad;
and, if I had stayed much longer, would certainly have alarmed the
neighbourhood in my behalf. The knowledge of this his intention
confounded me. I represented to him the mischievous consequences
that would have attended such a rash action, and, cautioning
him severely against any such design for the future, concluded my
admonition with an assurance, that, in case he should ever act so
madly, I would, without hesitation, put him to death. "Have a little
patience!" cried he, in a lamentable tone; "your displeasure will
do the business, without your committing murder." I was touched
with this reproach; and, as soon as we got home, made it my business
to appease him, by explaining the cause of that transport during
which I had used him so unworthily.

Next day when I went into the Long Room, I observed several whispers
circulate all of a sudden, and did not doubt that Melinda had been
busy with my character; but I consoled myself with the love of
Narcissa, upon which I rested with the most perfect confidence; and
going up to the rowly-powly table, won a few pieces from my suspected
rival, who, with an easy politeness, entered into conversation with
me, and, desiring my company to the coffee-house, treated me with
tea and chocolate. I remembered Strutwell, and guarded against
his insinuating behaviour; nor was my suspicion wrong placed; he
artfully turned the discourse upon Narcissa, and endeavoured by
hinting at an intrigue he pretended to be engaged in elsewhere, to
learn what connection there was between her and me.  But all his
finesse was ineffectual, I was convinced of his dissimulation, and
gave such general answers to his inquiries, that he was forced to
drop the subject, and talk of something else.

While we conversed in this manner, the savage came in with another
gentleman, who introduced him to his lordship, and he was received
with such peculiar marks of distinction, that I was persuaded
the courtier intended to use him in some shape or other; and from
thence I drew an unlucky omen. But I had more cause to be dismayed
the following day, when I saw the squire in company with Melinda
and her mother, who honoured me with several disdainful glances; and
when I afterwards threw myself in his way, instead of the cordial
shake of the hand, he returned my salute with a cold repetition
of "Servant, servant!" which he pronounced with such indifference
or rather contempt, that if he had not been Narcissa's brother, I
should have affronted him in public.

These occurrences disturbed me not a little; I foresaw the brooding
storm, and armed myself with resolution for the occasion; but
Narcissa, being at stake, I was far from being resigned. I could
have renounced every other comfort of life with some degree of
fortitude, but the prospect of losing her disabled all my philosophy,
and tortured my soul into madness.

Miss Williams found me, next morning, full of anxious tumult,
which did not abate when she told me that my Lord Quiverwit, having
professed honourable intentions, had been introduced to my lovely
mistress by her brother, who had, at the same time, from the
information of Melinda, spoken of me as an Irish fortune-hunter,
without either birth or estate; who supported myself in the appearance
of a gentleman by sharping and other infamous practices; and who
was of such an obscure origin, that I did not even know my own
extraction. Though I expected all this malice, I could not hear it
with temper, especially as truth was so blended with falsehood in
the assertion, that it would be almost impossible to separate the
one from the other in my vindication. But I said nothing on this
head, being impatient to know how Narcissa had been affected with
the discovery. That generous creature, far from believing these
imprecations, was no sooner withdrawn with her confidante, than she
inveighed with great warmth against the malevolence of the world,
to which only she ascribed the whole of what had been said to my
disadvantage, and, calling every circumstance of my behaviour to
her into review before her, found everything so polite, honourable,
and disinterested, that she could not harbour the least doubt of my
being the gentleman I assumed. "I have indeed," said she, "purposely
forborne to ask the particulars of his life, lest the recapitulation
of some misfortunes, which he has undergone, should give him pain;
and, as to the article of his fortune, I own myself equally afraid
of inquiring into it, and of discovering the state of my own, lest
we should find ourselves both unhappy in the explanation; for, alas!
my provision is conditional, and depends entirely on my marrying
with my brother's consent."

I was thunderstruck with this intelligence, the light forsook my
eyes, the colour vanished from my cheeks, and I remained in a state
of universal trepidation! My female friend, perceiving my disorder,
encouraged me with assurances of Narcissa's constancy, and the
hope of some accident favourable to our love; and, as a further
consolation, gave me to understand, that she had acquainted my
mistress with the outlines of my life: and that, although she was
no stranger to the present low state of my finances, her love and
esteem were rather increased than diminished by the knowledge of
my circumstances. I was greatly comforted by this assurance, which
saved me a world of confusion and anxiety; for I must have imparted
my situation one day to Narcissa, and this task I could not have
performed without shame and disorder.

As I did not doubt that by this time the scandalous aspersions of
Melinda were diffused all over the town, I resolved to collect my
whole strength of assurance, to browbeat the efforts of her malice,
and to publish her adventure with the frenchified barber by way of
reprisal. In the meantime, having promised to be at the garden-gate
about midnight, Miss Williams took her leave, bidding me repose
myself entirely on the affection of my dear Narcissa, which was
as perfect as inviolable. Before I went abroad, I was visited by
Freeman, who came on purpose to inform me of the infamous stories
that were raised at my expense. I heard them with great temper, and
in my turn disclosed everything that had happened between Melinda
and me; and among other circumstances entertained him with the
story of the barber, letting him know what share his friend Banter
had in that affair. He was convinced of the injury my reputation
had suffered; and, no longer doubting the fountain from whence
this deluge of slander had flowed upon me, undertook to undeceive
the town in my behalf, and roll the stream back upon its source;
but in the meantime, cautioned me from appearing in public, while
the prepossession was so strong against me, lest I should meet with
some affront that might have bad consequences.




CRAPTER LIX



I receive an extraordinary Message at the Door of the Long Room,
which, however, enter, and affront the Squire, who threatens to
take the Law of me--Rebuke Melinda for her Malice--she weeps with
Vexation--Lord Quiverwit is severe upon me--I retort his Sarcasm--am
received with the utmost Tenderness by Narcissa, who desires to
hear the Story of my Life--we vow eternal Constancy to other--I
retire--am waked by a Messenger, who brings a Challenge from
Quiverwit, whom I meet, engage, and vanquish


I thanked him for his advice, which, however, my pride and resentment
would not permit me to follow; for he no sooner left me, in order
to do justice to my character among his friends and acquaintance,
than I sallied out, and went directly to the Long Room. I was met
at the door by a servant, who presented a billet to me without
a subscription, importing that my presence was disagreeable to
the company, and desiring I would take the hint without further
disturbance, and bestow myself elsewhere for the future. This
peremptory message filled me with indignation. I followed the fellow
who delivered it, and, seizing him by the collar in presence of
all the company, threatened to put him instantly to death, if he
did not discover the scoundrel who had charged him with such an
impudent commission, that I might punish him as he deserved.  The
messenger, affrighted at my menaces and furious looks, fell upon his
knees, and told me, that the gentleman who ordered him to deliver
the letter was no other than Narcissa's brother, who, at that time,
stood at the other end of the room, talking to Melinda. I went up
to him immediately, and in the hearing of his inamorata, accosted
him in these words; "Lookee, squire, were it not for one consideration
that protects you from my resentment, I would cane you where you
stand, for having had the presumption to send me this scurrilous
intimation;" which I tore to pieces and threw in his face: at the
same time darting an angry regard at his mistress, I told her,
I was sorry she had put it out of my power to compliment her upon
her invention, but at the expense of her good nature and veracity.
Her admirer, whose courage never rose, but in proportion to the
wine he had swallowed, instead of resenting my address in what
is called an honourable way, threatened to prosecute me for an
assault, and took witnesses accordingly: while she, piqued at his
pusillanimous behaviour, and enraged at the sarcasm I had uttered
against her, endeavoured to make her quarrel a public cause, and
wept aloud with spite and vexation.

The tears of a lady could not fail of attracting the notice and
concern of the spectators to whom she complained of my rudeness
with great bitterness, saying, if she were a man, I durst not use
her so.  The greatest part of the gentlemen, already prejudiced
against me, were offended at the liberty I had taken, as appeared
from their looks; though none of them signified their disgust
any other way except my Lord Quiverwit, who ventured to say, with
a sneer, that I was in the right to establish my own character,
of which he had now no longer any doubt. Nettled at this severe
equivocation, which raised a laugh at my expense, I replied with
some warmth, "I am proud of having in that particular got the start
of your lordship." He made no answer to my repartee, but with a
contemptuous smile walked off, leaving me in a very disagreeable
situation. In vain did I make up to several people of my acquaintance,
whose conversation, I hoped, would banish my confusion; everybody
shunned me like a person infected, and I should not have been able
to bear my disgrace, had not the idea of the ever faithful and fond
Narcissa come to my relief. I quitted the scene of my mortification,
and, sauntering about the town, happened to wake from my contemplation,
when I found myself just opposite to a toy-shop, which I entered,
and purchased a ring set with a ruby in the form of a heart, surrounded
by diamond sparks, for which I paid ten guineas, intending it for
a present to the charmer of my soul.

I was introduced, at the hour appointed, to this divine creature,
who, notwithstanding what she had heard to my disadvantage, received
me with the utmost confidence and tenderness; and, having been
informed of the general sketches of my life by Miss Williams,
expressed a desire, of knowing the particular circumstances, which
I related with great candour, omitting, however, some things which
I concluded altogether improper for her ear, and which the reader's
reflection will easily suggest. As my story was little else than a
recital of misfortunes, the tear of sympathy ceased not to trickle
from her enchanting eyes during the whole of the narration, which,
when I had finished, she recompensed me for my trouble with the
most endearing protestations of eternal love. She bewailed her
restricted condition, as it was the means of retarding my happiness;
told me that Lord Quiverwit, by her brother's permission, had been
to drink tea with her that very afternoon, and actually proposed
marriage; and, seeing me extremely affected with this piece of
information, offered to give me a convincing proof of her affection,
by espousing me in private, and leaving the rest to fate. I was
penetrated with this instance of her regard, but, that I might
not be outdone in generosity, resisted the bewitching temptation
in consideration of her honour and interest; at the same time I
presented my ring as a pledge of my inviolable attachment, and, on
my knees, implored Heaven to shower its curses on my head, if ever
my heart should entertain one thought unworthy of the passion I
then avowed. She received my token, gave me in return her picture
in miniature, exquisitely drawn and set in gold; and, in the same
posture, called Heaven to witness and to judge her flame. Our vows
being thus reciprocally breathed, a confidence of hope ensued, and
our mutual fondness becoming as intimate as innocence would allow, I
grew insensible of the progress of time, and it was morning before
I could tear myself from this darling of my soul! My good angel
foresaw what would happen, and permitted me to indulge myself on
this occasion, in consideration of the fatal absence I was doomed
to suffer.

I went to bed immediately on my return to my lodging, and, having
slept about two hours, was waked by Strap, who in great confusion
told me there was a footman below with a letter, which he would
deliver to nobody but myself. Alarmed at this piece of news,
I desired my friend to show him into my chamber, and received the
following letter, which, he said, required an immediate answer:

    "Sir,--
    When any man injures my honour, let the difference of rank
    between us be ever so great, I am contented to wave the privilege
    of my quality, and to seek reparation from him on equal terms.
    The insolence of your reply to me yesterday, in the Long Room, I
    might have overlooked, had not your presumptive emulation in a much
    more interesting affair, and which I made this morning, concurred
    in persuading me to chastise your audacity with my sword. If you
    therefore have spirit enough to support the character you
    assume, you will not fail to follow the bearer immediately to a
    convenient place, where you shall be met by
                                        "Quiverwit."

Whether I was enervated by the love and favour of Narcissa, or awed
by the superior station of my antagonist, I know not, but I never
had less inclination to fight than at this time. However, finding
there was a necessity for vindicating the reputation of my mistress,
as well as for asserting my own honour, I forthwith rose, and,
dressing in a hurry, put on my sword, bade Strap attend me, and
set out with my conductor, cursing my bad fortune all the way, for
having been observed in my return from my angel; for so I interpreted
his lordship's discovery. When I came within sight of my rival,
his lacquey told me he had orders to stop; upon which I commanded
Strap to halt also, while I walked forward; resolving, if possible,
to come to an explanation with my challenger, before we should
come to battle. Nor was an opportunity wanting; for I no sooner
approached than be asked, with a stern countenance, what business
I had in Mr. Topehall's garden so early in the morning? "I don't
know, my lord," said I, "how to answer a question put to me with such
magisterial haughtiness. If your lordship will please to expostulate
calmly, you will have no cause to repent of your condescension;
otherwise I am not to be intimated into any confession." "There is
no room for denial," answered he; "I saw you come out with my own
eyes." "Did any other see me?" said I. "I neither know nor care,"
said he; "I want no other evidence than that of my own senses."
Pleased to hear that the suspicion was confined to him alone,
I endeavoured to appease his jealousy, by owning an intrigue with
the waiting maid: but he had too much discernment to be so easily
imposed upon, and told me there was only one way to convince him
of the truth of what I alleged, which was no other than renouncing
all claim to Narcissa upon oath, and promising, upon honour, never
to speak to her for the future. Exasperated at this proposal, I
unsheathed my sword, saying, "Heavens! what title have you, or any
man on earth, to impose such terms on me?" He did the same, and
making towards me with a contracted brow, said I was a villain,
and had dishonoured Narcissa. "He's a villain," I replied, in
a transport of fury, "who brands me with that imputation! She is
a thousand times more chaste than the mother that bore you; and I
will assert her honour with my heart's blood!" So saying, I rushed
upon him with more eagerness than address, and, endeavouring to get
within his point, received a wound in my neck, which redoubled my
rage. He excelled me in temper as well as in skill, by which means
he parried my thrusts with great calmness, until I had almost
exhausted my spirits; and, when he perceived me beginning to flag,
attacked me fiercely in his turn. Finding himself, however, better
opposed than he expected, he resolved to follow his lounge, and close
with me; accordingly, his sword entered my waistcoat, on the side
of the breast bone, and, running up between my shirt and skin,
appeared over my left shoulder. I imagined that his weapon had
perforated my lungs, and of consequence that the wound was mortal;
therefore, determined not to die unrevenged, I seized his shell,
which was close to my breast, before he could disentangle his point,
and, keeping it fast with my left hand, shortened my own sword with
my right, intending to run him through the heart; but he received
the thrust in the left arm, which penetrated up to the shoulder
blade. Disappointed at this expectation, and afraid still that
death would frustrate my revenge, I grappled with him, and, being
much the stronger, threw him upon the ground, where I wrested his
sword out of his hand, and, so great was my confusion, that instead
of turning the point upon him, struck out three of his foreteeth
with the hilt.  In the meantime, our servants, seeing us fall, ran
up to separate and assist us; but before their approach I was upon
my feet, and had discovered that my supposed mortal wound was only a
slight scratch.  The knowledge of my own safety disarmed me of a
good deal of my resentment, and I began to inquire with soma concern
into the situation of my antagonist, who remained on the ground
bleeding plentifully at his mouth and arm. I helped his footman
to raise him, and, having bound up his wound with my handkerchief,
assured it was not dangerous; I likewise restored his sword, and
offered to support him to his house. He thanked me with an air of
sullen dignity: and whispering that I should hear from him soon,
went away, leaning on his servant's shoulder.

I was surprised at this promise, which I construed into a threat,
and resolved, if ever he should call me out again, to use whatever
advantage fortune might give me over him in another manner. In the
meantime I had leisure to take notice of Strap, who seemed quite
stupified with horror: I comforted him with an assurance, that
I had received no damage, and explained the nature of this affair
as we walked homeward. By the time I had got into my apartment,
I found the wound in my neck stiff and uneasy, and a good deal of
clotted blood ran down upon my shirt; upon which I pulled off my
coat and waistcoat, and unbuttoned my collar, that I might dress it
with more ease. My friend no sooner perceived my shirt quite dyed
with blood, than, imagining I had got at least twenty thousand
wounds, he cried, "O Jesus!" and fell flat on the floor. I stopped
the bleeding with a little dry lint, and, applying a plaster over
it, cleaned myself from the gore, shifted, and dressed, while he
lay senseless at my feet, so that when he recovered, and saw me
perfectly well, he could scarce believe his own eyes. Now that the
danger was passed, I was very well pleased with what had happened,
hoping that it would soon become known, and consequently dignify
my character not a little in this place. I was also proud of having
shown myself, in some shape, worthy of the love of Narcissa. who,
I was persuaded, would. not think the worse of me for what I had
done.





CHAPTER LX




I am visited by Freeman, with whom I appear in Public, and
am caressed-am sent for by Lord Quiverwit, whose Presence I quit
flung--Narcissa is carried off by her Brother--I intend to pursue
him, and am dissuaded by my Friend--engage in Play, and lose all
my Money--set out for London--try my Fortune at the Gaming Table
without success--receive a letter from Narcissa--bilk my Tailor


While I entertained myself with these reflections, the news of the
duel, being communicated by some unknown channel, spread all over
the town. I was visited by Freeman, who testified his surprise at
finding me; for it was told, that Lord Quiverwit being dead of his
wounds, I had absconded, in order to avoid the cognizance of the
law. I asked, if people guessed the occasion of the quarrel; and,
understanding it was attributed to his lordship's resentment of
my reply in the Long Room, confirmed that conjecture, glad to find
Narcissa unsuspected. My friend, after I had assured him that my
antagonist was in no danger, wished me joy of the event, than which,
he said, nothing could happen more opportunely to support the idea
he had given of my character to his friends, among whom he had been
very assiduous in my behalf.

On the strength of this assurance, I went with him to the coffee-house,
where I was saluted by a great many of those very persons who had
shunned me the preceding day; and I found everybody making merry
with the story of Melinda's French gallant. While I remained in
this place, I received a message from Lord Quiverwit, desiring, if
I were not engaged, to see me at his house.

Thither I immediately repaired, and was conducted to an apartment
where I was received by his lordship in bed. When we were left by
ourselves, he thanked me in very polite terms for having used the
advantage fortune had given me over him with such moderation, and
asked pardon for any offence his resentment might have prompted
him to commit. "I would willingly," said he, "make you my friend;
but, as it is impossible for me to divest myself of my passion for
Narcissa, I am too well convinced of your sentiments, to think we
shall ever agree on that subject. I took the liberty, therefore,
of sending for you, in order to own candidly, that I cannot help
opposing your success with that young lady; though, at the same
time I promise to regulate my opposition by the dictates of justice
and honour. This, however, I think proper to advertise you of, that
she has no independent fortune; and, if you should even succeed in
your addresses, you will have the mortification to see her reduced
to indigence, unless you have wherewithal to support her--and I am
credibly informed of your incapacity that way--nay, I will confess,
that, urged by this consideration, I have actually sent notice to
her brother of the progress I suspect you have made in her affection,
and desired him to take his precautions accordingly." Alarmed and
provoked at this information, I told his lordship, that I did not
see how he could reconcile that piece of conduct with his profession
of open dealing, and flung away from him in a passion.

As I walked homeward, in hope of hearing from my mistress as usual
by means of Miss Williams, I was surprised with the waving of
a handkerchief from the window of a coach-and-six that passed by
me at full speed: and upon further observation, I saw a servant
on horseback riding after it, who, I knew by his livery, belonged
to the squire. Thunderstruck with this discovery, the knowledge
of my misfortune rushed all at once upon my reflection! I guessed
immediately that the signal was made by the dear hand of Narcissa,
who, being hurried away in consequence of Lord Quiverwit's message
to her brother, had no other method of relating her distress, and
imploring my assistance. Frantic with this conjecture, I ran to my
lodgings, snatched my pistols, and ordered Strap to get post-horses,
with such incoherence of speech and disorder, that the poor valet,
terrified with the suspicion of another duel, instead of providing
what I desired, went forthwith to Freeman, who, being informed of
my behaviour, came straight to my apartment, and conjured me so
pathetically to make him acquainted with the cause of my uneasiness,
that I could not refuse telling him my happiness was fled with
Narcissa, and that I must retrieve her or perish. He represented
the madness of such an undertaking, and endeavoured to divert me
from it with great strength of friendship and reason. But all his
arguments would have been ineffectual, had he not put me in mind
of the dependence I ought to have on the love of Narcissa, and the
attachment of her maid, who could not fail of finding opportunities
to advertise me of their situation; and at the same time demonstrated
the injury my charmer's reputation must suffer from my precipitate
retreat. I was convinced and composed by these considerations: I
appeared in public with an air of tranquillity, was well received
by the best company in town, and, my misfortune taking air, condoled
accordingly: while I had the satisfaction of seeing Melinda so
universally discountenanced that she was fain to return to London,
in order to avoid the scoffs and censure of the ladies at Bath. But,
though the hope of hearing from the darling of my soul supported
my spirits a little while, I began to be very uneasy, when, at
the end of several weeks I found that expectation disappointed. In
short, melancholy and despondence took possession of my soul; and,
repining at that providence which, by acting the stepmother towards
me, kept me from the fruition of my wishes, I determined, in a fit
of despair, to risk all I had at the gaming table, with a view of
acquiring a fortune sufficient to render me independent for life;
or of plunging myself into such a state of misery, as would effectually
crush every ambitious hope that now tortured my imagination.

Actuated by this fatal resolution, I engaged in play, and, after
some turns of fortune found myself, at the end of three days, worth
a thousand pounds; but it was not my intention to stop there, for
which cause I kept Strap ignorant of my success, and continued
my career until I was reduced to five guineas, which I would have
hazarded also, had I not been ashamed to fall from a bet of two
hundred pounds to such a petty sum.

Having thus executed my scheme, I went home, amazed to find myself
so much at ease, and informed my friend Strap of my mischance with
such calmness, that he, imagining I joked, affected to receive the
tidings with great equanimity. But both he and I found ourselves
mistaken very soon. I had misinterpreted my own stupidity into
deliberate resignation, and he had reason to believe me in earnest
when he saw me next morning agitated with the most violent despair,
which he endeavoured to alleviate with all the consolation in his
power.

In one of my lucid intervals, however, I charged him to take a place
in the stage coach for London; and, in the meantime, paid my debts
in Bath, which amounted to thirty shillings only. Without taking
leave of my friends, I embarked, Strap having the good fortune to
find a return horse, and arrived in town, without having net with
anything remarkable on the road. While we crossed Bagshot Heath,
I was seized with a sort of inclination to retrieve my fortune, by
laying passengers under contribution in some such place. My thoughts
were so circumstanced at this time, that I should have digested
the crime of robbery, so righteously had I concerted my plan,
and ventured my life in the execution, had I not been deterred by
reflecting upon the infamy that attends detection.

The apartment I formerly lived in being unengaged, I took possession
of it, and next day went in quest of Banter, who received me with
open arms, in expectation of having his bond discharged to his
liking: but when he understood what had happened, his countenance
changed of a sudden, and he told me, with a dryness of displeasure
peculiar to himself, that, if he were in my place, he would put it
out of fortune's power to play him such another trick, and be avenged
of his own indiscretion at once. When I desired him to explain his
meaning, he pointed to his neck, raised himself on his tiptoes,
and was going away without any further ceremony, when I put him in
mind of my indigence, and demanded the five guineas I had formerly
lent him. "Five guineas?" cried he; "zounds! had you acted with
common prudence, you might have had twenty thousand in your pocket
by this time. I depended upon five hundred from you, as much as if I
had had notes for it in the bank; and by all the rules of equity,
you are indebted to me for that sum." I was neither pleased
nor convinced by this computation, and insisted on my right with
such determined obstinacy, that he was fain to alter his ton, and
appease my clamour by assuring me, that he was not master of five
shillings. Society in distress generally promotes good understanding
among people; from being a dun I descended to be a client, and asked
his advice about repairing my losses. He counselled me to have
recourse again to the gaming table, where I succeeded so well before,
and put myself in a condition by selling my watch. I followed his
directions, and, having accommodated him with a few pieces, went
to the place, where I lost every shilling.

Then I returned to my lodgings full of desperate resolution, and
having made Strap acquainted with my fate, ordered him to pawn my
sword immediately, that I might be enabled to make another effort.
This affectionate creature no sooner understood my purpose, than,
seized with insupportable sorrow at the prospect of my misery, he
burst into tears, and asked what I proposed to do after the small
sum he could raise on the sword should be spent. "On my own account"
said he, "I am quite unconcerned; for, while God spares me health
and these ten fingers, I can earn a comfortable subsistence anywhere;
but what must become of you, who have less humility to stoop, and
more appetites to gratify?" Here I interrupted him, by saying,
with a gloomy aspect, I should never want a resource while I had a
loaded pistol in possession. Stupified with horror at this dreadful
insinuation, he stood mute for some time and then broke out into
"God of his infinite mercy enable you to withstand that temptation
of the devil! Consider your immortal soul--there's no repentance
in the grave! O Lord! that we ever should have come to this! Are
we not enjoined to resign ourselves to the will of Heaven?--where
is your patience?--Durum patientia frango--you are but a young
man--there may be many good things in store for you--accidit in
puncto quo non speratur in anno--remember your uncle, Mr. Bowling;
perhaps he is now on his voyage homeward, pleasing himself with
the hopes of seeing and relieving you; nay, peradventure, he has
already arrived, for the ship was expected about this time." A
ray of hope shot athwart my soul at this suggestion; I thanked my
friend for this seasonable recollection, and, after having promised
to take no resolution till his return, dismissed him to Wapping
for intelligence.

In his absence I was visited by Banter, who, being informed of my
bad luck at play, told me that fortune would probably be one day
weary of persecuting me. "In the meantime," said he, "here's a letter
for you, which I received just now inclosed in one from Freeman."
I snatched it with eagerness, and knowing the superscription to be
of Narcissa's handwriting, kissed it with transport, and, having
opened it, read,

    "It is with great difficulty that I have stolen, from the
    observation of those spies who are set over me, this opportunity
    of telling you, that I was suddenly carried away from Bath
    by my brother, who was informed of our correspondence by Lord
    Quiverwit whom, I since understand, you have wounded in a duel
    on my account. As I am fully convinced of your honour and love,
    I hope I shall never hear of such desperate proofs of either for
    the future. I am so strictly watched that it will be impossible
    for you to see me, until my brother's suspicion shall abate, or
    Heaven contrive some other unforeseen event in our behalf. In
    the meantime, you may depend on the constancy and affection of
                            "Your own          Narcissa.

    "P. S. Miss Williams, who is my fellow prisoner, desires to be
    remembered to you. We are both in good health, and only in pain
    for you, especially as it will be impracticable for you to
    convey any message or letter to the place of our confinement; for
    which reason. pray desist from the attempt, that, by miscarrying,
    might prolong our captivity.
                                           "N--."

This kind letter afforded me great consolation: I communicated it to
Banter, and, at the same time, showed him her picture: he approved
of her beauty and good sense, and could not help owning that my
neglect of Miss Snapper was excusable, when such a fine creature
engrossed my attention.

I began to be reconciled to my fate, and imagined, that, if I could
contrive means of subsisting until my uncle should arrive, in case
he were not already at home, he would enable me to do something
effectual in behalf of my love and fortune; I therefore consulted
Banter about a present supply, who no sooner understood that I had
credit, with a tailor, than he advised me to take off two or three
suits of rich clothes, and convert them into cash, by selling them
at half-price to a salesman in Monmouth Street. I was startled
at this proposal, which I thought savoured a little of fraud; he
rendered it palatable, by observing that, in a few months, I might
be in a condition to do everybody justice; and, in the meantime,
I was acquitted by the honesty of my intention. I suffered myself
to be persuaded by his salvo, by which my necessity, rather than my
judgment, was convinced; and, when I found there were no accounts
of the ship in which my uncle embarked, actually put the scheme
in practice, and raised by it five-and-twenty guineas, paying him
for his advice with the old five.





CHAPTER LXI




I am arrested--carried to the Marshalsea--find my old Acquaintance
beau Jackson in that Jail--he informs me of his Adventures--Strap
arrives, and with difficulty is comforted--Jackson introduces me to
a Poet--I admire his Conversation and Capacity--am deeply affected
with my Misfortune--Strap hires himself as a Journeyman Barber


But this expedient was in a few weeks followed with a consequence
I did not foresee. A player, having purchased one of the suits
that were exposed to sale, appeared in it on the stage one night,
while my tailor unfortunately happened to be present. He knew it
immediately, and, inquiring minutely into the affair, discovered
my whole contrivance: upon which he came into my lodgings, and
telling me that he was very much straightened for want of money,
presented his bill, which amounted to fifty pounds. Surprised at
which unexpected address, I affected to treat him cavalierly, swore
some oaths, asked if he doubted my honour, and telling him I should
take care whom I dealt with for the future, bade him come again
in three days. He obeyed me punctually, demanded his money, and
finding himself amused with bare promises, arrested me that very day
in the street. I was not much shocked at this adventure, which,
indeed, put an end to a state of horrible expectation: but I refused
to go to a sponging-house, where I heard there was nothing but the
most flagrant imposition: and, a coach being called, was carried
to the Marshalsea, attended by a bailiff and his follower, who were
very much disappointed and chagrined at my resolution.

The turnkey, guessing from my appearance that I had money in my
pocket, received me with the repetition of the Latin word depone,
and gave me to understand, that I must pay beforehand for the apartment
I should choose to dwell in. I desired to see his conveniences, and
hired a small paltry bed-chamber for a crown a week, which, in any
other place, would not have let for half the money. Having taken
possession of this dismal habitation, I sent for Strap, and my
thoughts were busied in collecting matter of consolation to that
faithful squire, when somebody knocked at my door, which I no
sooner opened, than a young fellow entered in very shabby clothes
and marvellous foul linen. After a low bow, he called me by name,
and asked if I had forgotten him. His voice assisted me in recollecting
his person, whom I soon recognised to be my old acquaintance,
Jackson, of whom mention is made in the first part of my memoirs.
I saluted him cordially, expressed my satisfaction at finding him
alive, and condoled him on his present situation, which, however,
did not seem to affect him much, for he laughed very heartily at the
occasion of our meeting so unexpectedly in this place. Our mutual
compliments being past, I inquired about his amour with the lady
of fortune, which seemed to be so near a happy conclusion when I
had the pleasure of seeing him last: and, after an immoderate fit
of laughter, he gave me to understand that he had been egregiously
bit in that affair. "You must know," said he, "that a few days
after our adventure with the bawd, and her b--ches, I found means
to be married to that same blue lady you speak of, and passed the
night with her at her lodgings, so much to her satisfaction, that
early in the morning, after a good deal of snivelling and sobbing,
she owned, that, far from being an heiress of great fortune, she
was no other than a common woman of the town, who had decoyed me
into matrimony, in order to enjoy the privilege of a femme couverte;
and that, unless I made my escape immediately, I should be arrested
for a debt of her contracting, by bailigs employed and instructed for
that purpose. Startled at this intimation, I rose in a twinkling,
and taking leave of my spouse with several hearty damns, got
safe into the verge of the court, where I kept snug, until I was
appointed surgeon's mate of a man-of-war at Portsmouth; for which
place I set out on Sunday, went on board of my ship, in which
I sailed to the Straits, where I had the good fortune to be made
surgeon of a sloop that came home a few months after, and was put
out of commission: whereupon, I came to London, imagining myself
forgotten, and freed from my wife and her creditors, but had not
been in town a week, before I was arrested for a debt of hers,
amounting to twenty pounds, and brought to this place, where I have
been fixed by another action since that time.  However, you know
my disposition, I defy care and anxiety; and being on the half-pay
list, make shift to live here tolerably easy." I congratulated him
on his philosophy, and, remembering that I was in his debt, repaid
the money he formerly lent me, which, I believe, was far from being
unseasonable. I then inquired about the economy of the place, which
he explained to my satisfaction; and, after we had agreed to mess
together, he was just now going to give orders for dinner when
Strap arrived.

I never in my life saw sorrow so extravagantly expressed in any
countenance as in that of my honest friend, which was, indeed,
particularly adapted by nature for such impressions. When we were
left by ourselves, I communicated to him my disaster, and endeavoured
to console him with the same arguments he had formerly used to me,
withal representing the fair chance I had of being relieved in a
short time by Mr. Bowling. But his grief was unutterable: he seemed
to give attention without listening, and wrung his hands in silence;
so that I was in a fair way of being infected by his behaviour, when
Jackson returned, and, perceiving the deference I paid to Strap,
although in a footman's habit, distributed his crumbs of comfort
with such mirth, jollity and unconcern, that the features of
the distressed squire relaxed by degrees; he recovered the use of
speech, and began to be a little more reconciled to this lamentable
event. We dined together on boiled beef and greens, brought from
a cook's shop in the neighbourhood, and, although this meal was
served up in a manner little corresponding with the sphere of life
in which I had lately lived, I made a virtue of necessity, ate
with good appetite, and treated my friends with a bottle of wine,
which had the desired effect of increasing the good humour of my
fellow prisoner, and exhilarating the spirits of Strap, who now
talked cavalierly of my misfortune.

After dinner Jackson left us to our private affairs; when I desired
my friend to pack up all our things, and carry them to some cheap
lodgings he should choose for himself in the neighbourhood of the
Marshalsea, after he had discharged my lodgings, for which purpose
I gave him money. I likewise recommended to him the keeping
my misfortune secret, and saying to my landlord, or any other who
should inquire for me, that I was gone into the country for a few
weeks: at the same time I laid strong injunctions upon him to call
every second day upon Banter, in case he should receive any letter
for me from Narcissa, by the channel of Freeman; and by all means
to leave a direction for himself at my uncle's lodgings in Wapping,
by which I might be found when my kinsman should arrive.

When he departed to execute these orders (which by the bye were
punctually performed that very night), I found myself so little
seasoned to my situation, that I dreaded reflection, and sought
shelter from it in the company of the beau, who, promising to
regale me with a lecture upon taste, conducted me to the common
side, where I saw a number of naked miserable wretches assembled
together. We had not been here many minutes, when a figure appeared,
wrapped in a dirty rug, tied about his loins with two pieces of
list, of different colours, knotted together; having a black bushy
beard, and his head covered with a huge mass of brown periwig,
which seems to have been ravished from the crown of some scarecrow.
This apparition, stalking in with great solemnity, made a profound
bow to the audience, who signified their approbation by a general
response of "How d'ye do, doctor!" He then turned towards us,
and honoured Jackson with a particular salutation, upon which my
friend, in a formal manner, introduced him to me by the name of Mr.
Melopoyn.  This ceremony being over, he advanced into the middle
of the congregation, which crowded around him, and hemming three
times, to my utter astonishment, pronounced with great significance
of voice and gesture, a very elegant and ingenious discourse upon
the difference between genius and taste, illustrating his assertions
with apt quotations from the best authors, ancient as well as modern.
When he had finished his harangue, which lasted a full hour, he
bowed again to the spectators; not one of whom (I was informed)
understood so much as a sentence of what he had uttered. They
manifested, however, their admiration and esteem by voluntary
contributions, which Jackson told me, one week with another, amounted
to eighteen pence. This moderate stipend, together with some small
presents that he received for making up differences and deciding
causes amongst the prisoners, just enabled him to breathe and walk
about in the grotesque figure I have described. I understood also,
that he was an excellent poet, and had composed a tragedy, which was
allowed by everybody who had seen it to be a performance of great
merit: that his learning was infinite, his morals unexceptionable,
and his modesty invincible. Such a character could not fail of
attracting my regard; I longed impatiently to be acquainted with
him, and desired Jackson would engage him to spend the evening
in my apartment. My request was granted; he favoured us with his
company, and, in the course of our conversation perceiving that I
had a strong passion for the Belles Lettres, acquitted himself so
well on that subject, that I expressed a fervent desire of seeing
his productions. In this point too he gratified my inclination;
he promised to bring his tragedy to my room next day, and in the
meantime, entertained me with some detached pieces, which gave me a
very advantageous idea of his poetical talent. Among other things
I was particularly pleased with some elegies, in imitation of
Tibullus; one of which I beg leave to submit to the reader as a
specimen of his complexion and capacity:--

    Where now are all my flattering dreams of joy?
     Monimia, give my soul her wonted rest;--
    Since first thy beauty fixed my roving eye,
     heart-gnawing cares corrode my pensive breast!

    Let happy lovers fly where pleasures call,
     With festive songs beguile the fleeting hour,
    Lead beauty through the mazes of the ball,
     Or press her wanton in love's roseate bower:

    For me, no more I'll range the empurpled mead,
     Where shepherd's pipe and virgins dance around,
    Nor wander through the woodbine's fragrant shade,
     To hear the music of the grove resound.

    I'll seek some lonely church, or dreary hall,
     Where fancy paints the glimmering taper blue,
    Where damps hang mouldering on the ivy'd wall,
     And sheeted ghosts drink up the midnight dew,

    There, leagued with hopeless anguish and despair,
     A while in silence o'er my fate repair:
    Then, with a long farewell to love and care,
     To kindred dust my weary limbs consign.

    Wilt thou, Monimia, shed a gracious tear
     On the cold grave where all my sorrows rest?
    Strew vernal flowers, applaud my love sincere,
     And bid the turf lie easy on my breast?


I was wonderfully affected with this pathetic complaint, which
seemed so well calculated for my own disappointment in love, that
I could not help attaching the idea of Narcissa to the name of
Monimia, and of forming such melancholy presages of my passion, that
I could not recover my tranquillity: and was fain to have recourse
to the bottle, which prepared me for a profound sleep that I could
not otherwise have enjoyed. Whether these impressions invited and
introduced a train of other melancholy reflections, or my fortitude
was all exhausted in the effort I made against despondence, during
the first day of my imprisonment, I cannot determine; but I awoke
in the horrors, and found my imagination haunted with such dismal
apparitions, that I was ready to despair: and I believe the render
will own, I had no great cause to congratulate myself, when I
considered my situation. I was interrupted in the midst of these
gloomy apprehensions by the arrival of Strap, who contributed not
a little to the re-establishment of my peace, by letting me know
that he had hired himself as a journeyman barber; by which means
he would be able not only to save me a considerable expense, but
even make shift to lay up something for my subsistence, after my
money should be spent, in case I should. not be relieved before.





CHAPTER LXII




I read Melopoyn's Tragedy, and conceive a vast Opinion of his
Genius--he recounts his Adventures


While we ate our breakfast together, I made him acquainted with
the character and condition of the poet, who came in with his play
at that instant, and, imagining we were engaged about business,
could not be prevailed upon to sit; but, leaving his performance,
went away. My friend's tender heart was melted at the sight of
a gentleman and Christian (for he had a great veneration for both
these epithets) in such misery; and assented with great cheerfulness
to a proposal I made of clothing him with the our superfluities;
a task with which he charged himself, and departed immediately to
perform it.

He was to sooner gone than I locked my door, and sat down to the
tragedy; which I read to the end with vast pleasure, not a little
amazed at conduct of the managers who had rejected it. The fable,
in my opinion, was well chosen and naturally conducted, the incidents
interesting, the characters beautifully contrasted, strongly marked,
and well supported; the diction poetical, spirited and correct; the
unities of the drama maintained with the most scrupulous exactness;
the opening gradual and engaging, the peripeteia surprising, and
the catastrophe affecting, In short, I judged it by the laws of
Aristotle and Horace, and could find nothing in it exceptionable but
a little too much embellishment in some few places, which objection
he removed to my satisfaction, by a quotation of Aristotle's poetics,
importing, that the least interesting parts of a poem ought to be
raised and dignified by the charms and energy of diction.

I revered his genius, and was seized with an eager curiosity to
know the particular events of a fortune so unworthy of his merit.
At that instant Strap returned with a bundle of clothes, which I
sent with my compliments to Mr. Melopoyn, as s small token of my
regard, and desired the favour of his company to dinner. He accepted
my present and invitation, and in less than half-an-hour made his
appearance in a decent dress, which altered his figure very much to
his advantage.  I perceived by his countenance that his heart was
big with gratitude, and endeavoured to prevent his acknowledgments,
by asking pardon for the liberty I had taken; he made no reply,
but, with an aspect full of admiration and esteem, bowed to the
ground, while the tears gushed from his eyes. Affected with these
symptoms of an ingenuous mind, I shifted the conversation, and
complimented him on his performance, which I assured him afforded
me infinite pleasure.  My approbation made him happy. Dinner being
served, and Jackson arrived, I begged their permission for Strap
to sit at table with us, after having informed them that he was
a person to whom I was extremely obliged; they were kind enough
to grant that favour, and we ate together with great harmony and
satisfaction.

Our meal being ended, I expressed my wonder at the little regard
Mr.  Melopoyn had met with from the world: and signified a desire of
hearing how he had been treated by the managers of the playhouses,
to whom I understood from Jackson, he had offered his tragedy
without success. "There is so little entertaining in the incidents
of my life," said he, "that I am sure the recital will not recompense
your attention; but, since you discover an inclination to know them
I understand my duty too well to disappoint your desire.

"My father, who was a curate in the country, being by the narrowness
of his circumstances hindered from maintaining me at the university,
took the charge of my education upon himself, and laboured with
such industry and concern in the undertaking, that I had little
cause to regret the want of public masters. Being at great pains to
consult my natural bias, He discovered in me betimes an inclination
for poetry; upon which he recommended to me an intimate acquaintance
with the classics, in the cultivation of which he assisted me
with a paternal zeal and uncommon erudition. When he thought me
sufficiently acquainted with the ancients, he directed my studies
to the best modern authors, French and Italian as well as English,
and laid, and laid a particular injunction upon me make myself
master of my mother tongue.

"About the age of eighteen, I grew ambitious of undertaking a work
of some consequence; and, with my father's approbation, actually
planned the tragedy you have read; but, before I had finished four
acts, that indulgent parent died, and left my mother and me in
very indigent circumstances. A near relation, compassionating our
distress, took us into his family, where I brought my fable to
a conclusion; and, soon after that period my mother quitted this
life.  When my sorrow for this melancholy event had subsided, I
told my kinsman, who was a farmer, that, having paid my last duty
to my parent, I had now no attachment to detain me in the country,
and therefore was resolved to set out for London, and offer my play
to the stage, where I did not doubt of acquiring a large share of
fame as well as fortune; in which case I should not be unmindful
of my friends and benefactors. My cousin was ravished with the
prospect of my felicity, and willingly contributed towards the
expense of fitting me out for my expedition.

"Accordingly I took a place in the waggon, and arrived in town,
where I hired an apartment in a garret, willing to live as frugally
as possible, until I should know what I had to expect from the
manager, to whom I intended to offer my play. For, though I looked
upon myself as perfectly secure of a good reception, imagining
that a patentee would be as eager to receive as I to present my
production, I did not know whether or not he might be pre-engaged
in favour of another author, a circumstance that would certainly
retard my success. On this consideration, too, I determined to be
speedy in my application, and even to wait upon one of the managers
the very next day. For this purpose, I inquired my landlord if he
knew where either or both of them lived: and he, being curious to
know my business, and at the same time appearing to be a very honest
friendly man (a tallow chandler), I made him acquainted with my
design, upon which he told me that I went the wrong way to work;
that I would not find such easy access to a manager as I imagined;
and that if I delivered my performance without proper recommendation, it
would be as one to a thousand if ever it would be minded. "Take my
advice," said he, "and your business is done. One of the patentees
is a good catholic, as I am, and uses the same father who confesses
me. I will make you acquainted with this good priest, who is
an excellent scholar, and if he should approve of your play, his
recommendation will go a great way in determining Mr.  Supple to
bring it on the stage." I applauded his expedient, and was introduced
to the friar, who, having perused the tragedy, was pleased to
signify his approbation, and commended me in particular for having
avoided all reflections upon religion. He promised to use all his
influence with his son Supple in my behalf, and to inform himself
that very day at what time it was proper for me to wait upon him
with the piece. He was punctual in performing his engagement, and
next morning gave me to understand that he had mentioned my affair
to the manager, and that I had nothing more to do than to go to
his house any time in the forenoon, and make use of his name, upon
which I should find immediate admittance. I took his advice, put
my performance in my bosom, and, having received directions, went
immediately to the house of Mr. Supple, and knocked at the door,
which had a wicket in the middle, faced with a net-work of iron.
Through this a servant having viewed me for some time, demanded
to know my business. I told him my business was with Mr.  Supple,
and that I came from Mr. O'Varnish. He examined my appearance once
more, then went away, returned in a few minutes, and said his master
was busy, and could not be seen. Although I was a little mortified
at my disappointment, I was persuaded that my reception was owing
to Mr. Supple's ignorance of my errand: and, that I might meet with
no more obstructions of the same kind, I desired Mr. O'Varnish to
be my introductor the next time. He complied with my request, and
obtained immediate admittance to the manager, who received me with
the utmost civility, and promised to read my play with the first
convenience. By his own appointment I called again in a fortnight,
but he was gone out: I returned in a week after, and the poor
gentleman was extremely ill: I renewed my visit in a fortnight
after that, and he assured me he had been so much fatigued with
business, that he had not been able as yet to read it to an end,
but he would take the first opportunity: and, in the meantime,
observed that what he had yet seen of it was very entertaining. I
comforted myself with this declaration a few weeks longer, at the
end of which I appeared again before his wicket, was let in, and
found him laid up with the gout. I no sooner entered his chamber
than, looking at me with a languishing eye, he said, "Mr.  Melopoyn,
I'm heartily sorry for an accident that has happened during my
illness. You must know that my eldest boy, finding your manuscript
upon the table in the dining-room, where I used to read it, carried
it into the kitchen, and leaving it there, a negligent wench of a
cook-maid, mistaking it for waste paper, has expended it but a few
leaves in singing fowls upon the spit. But I hope the misfortune
is not irreparable, since, no doubt, you have several copies."

"I protest to you, my good friend, Mr. Random, I was extremely
shocked at this information; but the good-natured gentleman seemed
to be so much affected with my misfortune, that I suppressed my
concern, and told him that, although I had not another copy, I should
be able to retrieve the loss by writing another from my memory, which
was very tenacious. You cannot imagine how well pleased Mr. Supple
was at this assurance; he begged I would set about it immediately,
and carefully revolve and recollect every circumstance before I
pretended to commit it to paper, that it might be the same individual
play that he had perused. Encouraged by this injunction, which
plainly demonstrated how much he interested himself in the affair,
I tasked my remembrance and industry, and in three weeks produced
the exact image of the former, which was conveyed to him by my
good friend Father O'Varnish, who told me next day, that Mr. Supple
would revise it superficially, in order to judge of its sameness
with the other, and then give his final answer. For this examination
I allotted a week: and, in full confidence of seeing it acted in a
little while, demanded an audience of the manager, when that term
was expired. But, alas! the season had slipped away insensibly. He
convinced me, that if my play had been put into rehearsal at the
time, it could not have been ready for performing until the end
of March, when the benefit nights came on; consequently, it would
have interfered with the interest of the players, whom it was not
my business to disoblige.

"I was fain to acquiesce in these reasons, which, to be sure, were
extremely just; and to reserve my performance for the next season,
when he hoped I would not be so unlucky. Although it was a grievous
disappointment to me, who, by this time, began to want both money
and necessaries; having on the strength of my expectation from the
theatre, launched out into some extravagances, by which the sum I
brought to town was already almost consumed. Indeed, I ought to be
ashamed at this circumstance of my conduct; for my finances were
sufficient, with good economy, to have maintained me comfortably
a whole year. You will perhaps be amazed when I tell you that, in
six months, I expended not a farthing less than ten guineas: but,
when one considers the temptations to which a young man is exposed
in this great city, especially if he be addicted to pleasure, as
I am, the wonder will vanish, or at least abate. Nor was the cause
of my concern limited to my own situation entirely: I had written
an account of my good reception to my kinsman the farmer, and desired
him to depend upon me for the money he had kindly accommodated me
with about the end of February, which promise I now found myself
unable to perform. However, there was no remedy but patience: I
applied to my landlord, who was a very good-natured man, candidly
owned my distress, and begged his advice in laying down some plan
for my subsistence; he readily promised to consult his confessor
on this subject, and, in the meantime, told me, I was welcome to
lodge and board with him until fortune should put it in my power
to make restitution.

"Mr. O'Varnish, being informed of my necessity, offered to introduce
me to the author of a weekly paper, who, he did not doubt, would
employ me in that way, provided he should find me duly qualified;
but, upon inquiry, I understood that this journal was calculated
to foment divisions in the commonwealth, and therefore I desired
to be excused from engaging in it. He then proposed that I should
write something in the poetical way, which I might dispose of to a
bookseller for a pretty sum of ready money, and, perhaps, establish
my own character into the bargain. This event would infallibly
procure friends, and my tragedy would appear next season to the
best advantage, by being supported both by interest and reputation.
I was charmed with this prospect, and having heard what friends Mr.
Pope acquired by his pastorals, set about a work of that kind, and
in less than six weeks composed as many eclogues, which I forthwith
offered to an eminent bookseller, who desired me to leave them for
his perusal, and he would give an answer in two days. At the end
of that time, I went to him, when he returned the poems, telling
me, they would not answer his purpose, and sweetened his refusal
by saying there were some good clever lines in them. Not a little
dejected at this rebuff, which, I learned from Mr. O'Varnish, was
owing to the opinion of another author whom this bookseller always
consulted on these occasions, I applied to another person of the
same profession, who told me the town was cloyed with pastorals,
and advised me, if I intended to profit by my talents, to write
something satirical or luscious, such as the Button Hole, Shockey
and Towner, The Leaky Vessel, etc, and yet this was a man in
years, who wore a reverend periwig, looked like a senator, and went
regularly to church. Be that as it will, I scorned to prostitute
my pen in the manner proposed, and carried my papers to a third,
who assured me that poetry was entirely out of his way; and asked
me if I had got never a piece of secret history, thrown into a series
of letters, or a volume of adventures, such as those of Robinson
Crusoe, and Colonel Jack, or a collection of Conundrums, wherewith
to entertain the plantations. Being quite unfurnished for this
dealer, I had recourse to another with as little success; and I
verily believe, was rejected by the whole trade.

"I was afterwards persuaded to offer myself as a translator, and
accordingly repaired to a person who was said to entertain numbers
of that class in his pay; he assured me, he had already a great
deal of that work on his hands, which he did not know what to do
with; observed that translations were a mere drug, that branch of
literature being overstocked with an inundation of authors from
North Britain; and asked what I would expect per sheet for rendering
the Latin classics into English. That I might not make myself too
cheap, I determined to set a high price upon my qualifications, and
demanded half-a-guinea for every translated sheet. "Half-a-guinea!"
cried he, staring at me; then paused a little, and said, he had no
occasion for my service at present. I found my error, and, resolving
to make amends, fell one-half in my demand; upon which he stared
at me and told me his hands were full. I attempted others without
finding employment, and was actually reduced to a very uncomfortable
prospect, when I bethought myself of offering my talents to the
printers of half-penny ballads and other such occasional essays,
as are hawked about the streets. With this in view I applied to
one of the most noted and vociferous of this tribe, who directed
me to a person whom I found entertaining a whole crowd of them with
gin, bread, and cheese; he carried me into a little back parlour,
very neatly furnished, where I signified my desire of being
enrolled among his writers; and was asked what kind of composition
I professed. Understanding that my inclination leaned towards
poetry, he expressed his satisfaction, telling me one of his poets
had lost his senses, and was confined in Bedlam, and the other was
become dozed with drinking drams; so that he had not done anything
tolerable these many weeks. When I proposed that we should enter
into terms of agreement, he gave me to understand that his bargains
were always conditional, and his authors paid in proportion to the
sale of their works.

"Having therefore settled these conditions, which (I do assure
you) were not very advantageous to me, he assigned me a subject for
ballad, which was to be finished in two hours; and I retired to my
garret in order to perform his injunction. As the theme happened
to suit my fancy, I completed a pretty sort of an ode within the
time prescribed, and brought it to him, big with hope of profit and
applause. He read it in a twinkling, and, to my utter astonishment,
told me it would not do; though indeed he owned I wrote a good hand,
an spelled very well, but my language was too high flown, and of
consequence not at all adapted to the capacity and taste of his
customers. I promised to rectify that mistake and in half an hour
humbled my style to the comprehension of vulgar readers; he approved
of the alteration, and gave me some hopes of succeeding in time,
though he observed that my performance was very deficient in the
quaintness of expression that pleases the multitude: however, to
encourage me, he ventured the expense of printing and paper, and,
if I remember aright, my share of the sale amounted to fourpence
halfpenny.

"From that day I studied the Grub Street manner with great
diligence, and at length became such a proficient that my works were
in great request among the most polite of the chairmen, draymen,
hackney-coachmen, footmen, and servant maids: nay, I have enjoyed
the pleasure of seeing my productions adorned with cuts, pasted upon
the walls as ornaments in beer cellars and cobblers' stalls; and
have actually heard them sung in clubs of substantial tradesmen--but
empty praise (you know, my dear friend) will not supply the cravings
nature. I found myself in danger of starving in the midst of all my
fame; for of ten songs I composed, it was well if two had the good
fortune to please. For this reason I turned my thoughts to prose,
and, during a tract of gloomy weather, published an apparition, on
the substance of which I subsisted very comfortably a whole month;
I have made many a good meal upon a monster; a rape has often
afforded me great satisfaction; but a murder, well timed, was
my never-failing resource. What then? I was almost a slave to my
employers, who expected to be furnished at a minute's warning with
prose and verse, just as they thought the circumstances of the times
required, whether the inclination was absent or present. Upon my
sincerity, Mr. Random, I have been so much pestered and besieged
by those children of clamour, that life became a burden to me."





CHAPTER LXIII




The Continuation and Conclusion of Mr. Melopoyn's Story


'I made shift, notwithstanding, to maintain myself till the
beginning of next winter, when I renewed my addresses to my friend
Mr. Supple, and was most graciously received. "I have been thinking
of your affair, Mr. Melopoyn," said he, "and am determined to
show how far I have your interest at heart, by introducing you to
a young nobleman of my acquaintance, who is remarkable for his fine
taste in dramatic writings, and is besides a man of such influence
that, if once he should approve of your play, his patronage will
support it against all the efforts of envy and ignorance; for,
I do assure you, that merit alone will not bring success. I have
already spoken of your performance to Lord Rattle, and if you
will call at my house in a day or two, you shall have a letter of
introduction to his lordship." I was sensibly touched with this mark
of Mr. Supple's friendship; and looking upon my affair as already
done, went home and imparted my good fortune to my landlord, who,
to render my appearance more acceptable to my patron, procured a
suit of new clothes for me on his own credit.

"Not to trouble you with idle particulars, I carried my tragedy
to his lordship's lodgings, and sent it up along with Mr. Supple's
letter by one of his servants, who desired me, by his lord's order,
to return in a week. I did so, and was admitted to his lordship,
who received me very courteously, told me he had perused my play,
which he thought, on the whole, was the best coup d'essai he had
ever seen; but that he had marked some places in the margin, which
he imagined might be altered for the better. I was transported
with this reception, and promised (with many acknowledgments of
his lordship's generosity) to be governed solely by his advice and
direction."

"Well, then," said he, "write another fair copy with the alterations
I have proposed, and bring it to me as soon as possible; for I am
resolved to have it brought on the stage this winter." You may be
sure I set about this task with alacrity; and although I found his
lordship's remarks much more numerous and of less importance than
I expected, I thought it was not my interest to dispute upon trifles
with my patron; therefore new modelled it according to his desire
in less than a month.

"When I waited upon him with the manuscript, I found one of the
actors at breakfast with his lordship, who immediately introduced
him to my acquaintance, and desired him to read a scene of my play.
This task he performed very much to my satisfaction, with regard to
emphasis and pronunciation; but he signified his disgust at several
words in every page, which I presuming to defend, Lord Rattle told
me, with a peremptory look, I must not pretend to dispute with
him, who had been a player these twenty years, and understood the
economy of the stage better than any man living. I was forced to
submit; and his lordship proposed the same actor should read the
whole play in the evening, before some gentlemen of his acquaintance,
whom he would convene to his lodgings for that purpose.

"I was present at the reading; and I protest to you, my dear
friend, I never underwent such a severe trial in the whole course
of my life at that juncture; for although the player might be a
very honest man and a good performer, he was excessively illiterate
and assuming, and made a thousand frivolous objections, which I was
not permitted to answer. However, the piece was very much applauded
on the whole; the gentlemen present, who, I understood, were men
of fortune, promised to countenance and support it as much as they
could; and Lord Rattle, assuring me that he would act the part of
a careful nurse to it, desired me to carry it home, and alter it
immediately according to their remarks. I was fain to acquiesce
in his determination, and fulfilled his injunctions with all the
expedition in my power; but, before I could present the new copy,
my good friend Mr. Supple had disposed of his property and patent
to one Mr.  Brayer; so that fresh interest was to be made with
the new manager.  This task Lord Rattle undertook, having some
acquaintance with him, and recommended my performance so strongly
that it was received.

"I looked upon myself now as upon the eve of reaping the fruits
of all my labour. I waited a few days in expectation of its being
put in rehearsal, and wondering at the delay, applied to my worthy
patron, who excused Mr. Brayer on account of the multiplicity of
business in which he was involved, and bade me beware of teasing
the patentee. I treasured up this caution, and exerted my particular
three weeks longer; at the end of which his lordship gave me
to understand that Mr. Brayer had read my play, and owned it had
indubitable merit; but, as he had long been pre-engaged to another
author, he could not possibly represent it that season; though,
if I would reserve it for the next, and in the interim make such
alterations as he had proposed by observations on the margin, I
might depend upon his compliance.

"Thunderstruck at this disappointment, I could not, for some minutes,
utter one syllable. At length, however, I complained bitterly of the
manager's insincerity in amusing me so long, when he knew from the
beginning that he could not gratify my desire. But his lordship
reprimanded me for my freedom, said Mr. Brayer was a man of
honour, and imputed his behaviour with respect to me nothing else
but forgetfulness. And indeed I have had some reason, since that
time, to be convinced of his bad memory; for, in spite of appearances,
I will not allow myself to interpret his conduct in any other way.
Lord Rattle observing me very much affected with my disappointment,
offered his interest to bring on my play at the other house, which
I eagerly accepting, he forthwith wrote a letter of recommendation
to Mr. Bellower, actor and prime minister to Mr.  Vandal, proprietor
of that theatre, and desired me to deliver it with my tragedy,
without loss of time. Accordingly, I hastened to his house, where
after having waited a whole hour in the lobby, I was admitted
to his presence, and my performance received with great state. He
told me he was extremely busy at present, but he would peruse it
as soon as possible, and bade me to call again in a week.  I took
my leave, not a little astonished at the pert and supercilious
behaviour of this stage player, who had not treated me with good
manners; and began to think the dignity of a poet greatly impaired
since the days of Euripides and Sophocles; but all this was nothing
in comparison of what I have since observed.

"Well, Mr. Random, I went back at the appointed time, and was told
that Mr. Bellower was engaged, and could not see me, I repeated my
visit a few days after, and having waited a considerable time was
favoured with an audience, during which, he said, he had not as
yet read my play. Nettled at this usage, I could contain myself
no longer, but, telling him, I imagined he would have paid more
deference to Lord Rattle's recommendation, demanded my manuscript
with some expression of resentment. "Ay," said he in a theatrical
tone, "with all my heart." Then pulling out the drawer of the
bureau at which he sat, he took out a bundle, and threw it upon a
table that was near him, pronouncing the word, "There!" with great
disdain. I took it up, and perceiving with some surprise, that it
was a comedy, told him it did not belong to me; upon which he offered
another which I also disclaimed. A third was produced, and rejected
for the same reason. At length he pulled out a whole bundle, and
spread them before me, saying, "There are seven--take which you
please--or take them all." I singled out my own, and went away,
struck dumb with admiration at what I had seen--not so much on
account of his insolence, as of the number of new plays which from
this circumstance I concluded were yearly offered to the stage.
You may be sure, I did not fail to carry my complaint to my patron,
who did not receive it with all the indignation I expected; but
taxed me with precipitation, and told me I must lay my account with
bearing with the humours of the players, if I intended to write
for the stage. "There is now no other remedy," he said, "but to
keep it till the next season for Mr. Brayer, and alter it at your
leisure, in the summer, according to his directions." I was now
reduced to a terrible alternative, either to quit all hopes of my
tragedy, from which I had all along promised myself a large share
of fortune and reputation, or to encounter eight long months of
adversity in preparing for and expecting its appearance. This last
penance, painful as it was, seemed most eligible to my reflection
at that time, and therefore I resolved to undergo it.

"Why should I tire you with particulars of my consequence? I wrestled
with extreme poverty until the time of my probation was expired;
and went to my Lord Rattle in order to remind him of my affair,
when I understood, to my great concern, that his lordship was just
on the point of going abroad, and which was still more unfortunate
for me, Mr. Brayer had gone into the country; so that my generous
patron had it not in his power to introduce me personally, as he
intended: however, he wrote a very strong letter to the manager in
my favour, and put him in mind of the promise he had made in behalf
of my play.

"As soon as I was certified of Brayer's return, I went to his house
with this letter, but was told he was gone out. I called again
next day early in the morning, received the same answer, and was
desired to leave my name and business: I did so, and returned the
day after, when the servant still affirmed that his master was gone
abroad; though I perceived him, as I retired, observing me through
a window.  Incensed at this discovery, I went to a coffee-house
hard by, and, inclosing his lordship's letter in one from myself,
demanded a categorical answer. I sent it to his house by a porter,
who returned in a few minutes, and told me Mr. Brayer would be glad
to see me at that instant. I obeyed the summons, and was received
with such profusion of compliments and apologies, that my resentment
immediately subsided, and I was even in pain for the concern which
this holiest man showed at the mistake of his servant, who, it seems,
had been ordered to deny him to everybody but me. He expressed the
utmost veneration for his good and noble friend, Lord Rattle, whom
he should always be proud to serve; promised to peruse the play with
all dispatch, and give me a meeting upon it: and, as a testimony
of his esteem, made me a present of a general order for the season,
by which I should be admitted to any part of the theatre. This was
a very agreeable compliment to ma, whose greatest pleasure consisted
in seeing dramatic performances, and you need not doubt that I
often availed myself of my privilege. As I had an opportunity of
being behind the scenes when I pleased, I frequently conversed with
Mr. Brayer about my play, and asked when he meant to put it into
rehearsal; but he had always so much business upon his hands, that
it remained with him unopened a considerable while; and I became
very uneasy about the season, that wasted apace, when I saw in the
papers another new play advertised, which had been written, offered,
accepted, and rehearsed, in the compass of three months.  You may
easily guess how much I was confounded at this event! I own to you
that, in the first transports of my anger, I suspected Mr.  Brayer
of having acted towards me in the most pitiful perfidious manner;
and was actually glad at his disappointment in the success of his
favourite piece, which, by the strength of art, lingered till the
third night, and then died in a deplorable manner. But now that
passion has no share in my reflection, I am willing to ascribe his
behaviour to his want of memory or want of judgment, which, you
know, are natural defects, that are more worthy of compassion than
reproach.

"About this time I happened to be in company with a gentlewoman,
who, having heard of my tragedy, told me, she was well acquainted
with the wife of a gentleman who was very well known to a lady,
who had great interest with a person who was intimate with Earl
Sheerwit: and that, if I pleased, she would use her influence
in my behalf. As this nobleman had the character of a Maecenas
in the nation, and could stamp a value upon any work by his sole
countenance and approbation, I accepted her offer with eagerness,
in full confidence of seeing my reputation established, and my
wishes fulfilled in a very short time, provided that I should have
the good fortune to please his lordship's taste. I withdrew the
manuscript from the hands of Mr. Brayer, and committed it to the
care of this gentlewoman, who laboured so effectually in my interest,
that in less than a month it was conveyed to the earl, and in a few
weeks after, I had the satisfaction to hear that he had read and
approved it very much. Transported with this piece of intelligence,
I flattered myself with the hopes of his interesting himself in its
favour, but, hearing no more of this matter in three whole months,
I began (God forgive me!) to suspect the veracity of the person
who brought me the good tidings; for I thought it impossible that
a man of his rank and character, who knew the difficulty of writing
a good tragedy, and understood the dignity of the work, should read
and applaud an essay of this kind, without feeling an inclination
to befriend the author, whom his countenance alone could raise above
dependence. But it was not long before I found my friend very much
wronged by my opinion.

"You must know, that the civilities I had received from Lord
Rattle, and the desire he manifested to promote the success of my
play, encouraged me to write an account of my bad fortune to his
lordship, who condescended so far as to desire, by letter, a young
squire of a great estate, with whom he was intimate, to espouse my
cause, and, in particular, make me acquainted with one Mr. Marmozet,
a celebrated player, who had lately appeared on the stage with
astonishing eclat, and bore such sway in the house where he acted,
that the managers durst not refuse anything he recommended. The
young gentleman, whom Lord Rattle had employed for this purpose,
being diffident of his own interest with Mr. Marmozet, had recourse
to a nobleman of his acquaintance, who, at his solicitation, was so
good as to introduce me to him; and the conversation turning upon
my performance, I was not a little surprised, as well as pleased,
to hear that Earl Sheerwit had spoken very much in its praise,
and even sent Mr. Marmozet the copy, with a message, expressing a
desire that he would act in it next season. Nor was this favourite
actor backward in commending the piece, which he mentioned with such
expressions of regard, that I do not choose to repeat: assuring me
that he would appear in it, provided he should be engaged to play
at all during the ensuing season. In the meantime, he desired I would
give him leave to peruse it in the country, whither he intended to
remove next day, that he might have leisure to consider and point
out such alterations as might, perhaps, be necessary for its
representation; and took my direction, that he might communicate
by letter the observations he should make. Trusting to these
assurances, and the interest which had been made in my behalf, I
hugged myself in the expectation of seeing it not only acted, but
acted to the greatest advantage, and this I thought could not fail
of recompensing me in ample manner for the anxiety and affliction
I had undergone; but six weeks being elapsed, I did not know how
to reconcile Mr. Marmozet's silence with his promise of writing
to me in ten days after he set out for the country; however, I was
at last favoured with a letter, importing that he had made some
remarks on my tragedy, which he would freely impart at meeting,
and advised me to put it, without loss of time, into the hands of
that manager, who had the best company; as he himself was quite
uncertain whether or not he should be engaged that winter. I was
a good deal alarmed at this last part of his letter, and advised
about it with a friend, who told me, it was a plain indication of
Mr. Marmozet's desire to get rid of his promise; that his pretended
uncertainty about acting next winter was no other than a scandalous
evasion; for, to his certain knowledge, he was already engaged,
or at least in terms, with Mr. Vandal; and that his design was to
disappoint me, in favour of a new comedy, which he had purchased
of the author, and intended to bring upon the stage for his own
advantage.

"In short, my dear sir, this person, who, I must own, is if a
sanguine complexion, handled the moral character of Mr. Marmozet
with such severity, that I began to suspect him of some particular
prejudice, and put myself upon my guard against his insinuations.
I ought to crave pardon for this tedious narration of trivial
circumstances, which, however interesting they may be to me, must
certainly be very dry and insipid to the ear of one unconcerned in
the affair. But I understand the meaning of your looks, and will
proceed.

"Well, sir, Mr. Marmozet, upon his return to town, treated me with
uncommon complaisance, and invited me to his lodgings, where he
proposed to communicate his remarks, which, I confess, were more
unfavourable than I expected; but I answered his objections, and,
as I thought, brought him over to my opinion; for, on the whole,
he signified the highest approbation of the performance. In the
course of our dispute, I was not a little surprised to find this
poor gentleman's memory so treacherous, as to let him forget what
he had said to me, before he went out of town, in regard to Earl
Sheerwit's opinion of my play, which he now professed himself
ignorant of; and I was extremely mortified at hearing from his own
mouth, that his interest with Mr. Vandal was so very low as to be
insufficient of itself to bring a new piece upon the stage. I then
begged his advice, and he counselled me to apply to Earl Sheerwit,
for a message in my favour to the manager, who would not presume
to refuse anything recommended by so great man; and he was so kind
as to promise to second this message with all his power. I had
immediate recourse to the worthy gentlewoman my friend, already
mentioned, who opened the channels of her conveyance with such
expedition, that in a few days I had a promise of the message,
provided I could assure myself of Mr. Vandal's being unengaged to
any other writer; for his lordship did not choose to condescend so
far, until he should understand that there was a probability (at
least) of succeeding; at the same time that blessed me with this
piece of news, I was startled at another, by the same channel
of communication; which was, that Mr. Marmozet, before he advised
me to this application, had informed the earl that he had read my
play, and found it altogether unfit for the stage. Though I could
not doubt the certainty of this intelligence, I believed there was
some inapprehension in the case; and, without taking any notice of
it, told Mr. Marmozet the answer I had been favoured with; and he
promised to ask Mr. Vandal the question proposed. I waited upon
him in a day or two, when he gave me to understand, that Mr. Vandal
having professed himself free of all engagements, he had put my play
into his hands, and represented it as a piece strongly recommended
by Earl Sheerwit, who (he assured him) would honour him with a
message in its favour; and he desired me to call for an answer at
Mr. Vandal's house in three days. I followed his directions, and
found the manager, who being made acquainted with my business, owned
that Mr. Marmozet had given him a manuscript play, but denied that
he had mentioned Earl Sheerwit's name. When I informed him of the
circumstances of the affair, he said, he had no engagement with
any author; that he would read my tragedy forthwith; and did not
believe he should venture to reject it in contradiction to his
lordship's opinion, for which he had the utmost veneration, but put
it into rehearsal without loss of time. I was so much intoxicated
with this encouragement, that I overlooked the mysterious conduct
of Mr.  Marmozet, and attended the manager at the time appointed,
when, to my infinite confusion, he pronounced my play improper for
the stage, and rejected it accordingly. As soon as I could recollect
myself from the disorder into which this unexpected refusal had
thrown me, I expressed a desire of hearing his objections, which
were so groundless, indistinct, and unintelligible, that I persuaded
myself he had not at all perused the piece, but had been prompted
by somebody whose lessons he had not rightly retained. However, I
have been since informed that the poor man's head, which was not
naturally very clear, had been disordered with superstition, and
that he laboured under the tyranny of a wife, and the terrors of
hellfire at the same time.

"Precipitated in this manner from the highest pinnacle of hope
to the abyss of despondence, I was ready to sink under the burden
of my affliction, and, in the bitterness of my anguish, could not
help entertaining some doubts of Mr. Marmozet's integrity, when I
recollected and compared the circumstances of his conduct towards
me. I was encouraged in this suspicion by being told that my Lord
Sheerwit had spoken of his character with great contempt: and, in
particular, resented his insolence in opposing his own taste to that
of his lordship, concerning my tragedy. While I hesitated between
different opinions of the matter, that friend, who (as I told you
before) was a little hot-headed, favoured me with a visit, and,
having heard a circumstantial account of the whole affair, could
not contain his indignation, but affirmed without ceremony that
Mr.  Marmozet was the sole occasion of my disappointment; that he
acted from first to last with the most perfidious dissimulation,
cajoling me with insinuating civilities, while he underhand employed
all his art and influence to prejudice the ignorant manager against
my performance; that nothing could equal his hypocrisy but his
avarice, which engrossed the faculties of his soul so much, that
he scrupled not to be guilty of the meanest practices to gratify
that sordid appetite; that, in consequence of this disposition,
he had prostituted his honour in betraying my inexperience, and in
undermining the interest of another author of established reputation,
who had also offered a tragedy to the stage, which he thought
would interfere with the success of the comedy he had bought, and
determined to bring on at all events.

"I was shocked at the description of such a monster, which I could
not believe existed in the world, bad as it is, and argued against
the asseverations of my friend, by demonstrating the bad policy of
such behaviour, which could not fail of entailing infamy upon the
author; and the small temptation that a man of Mr. Marmozet's figure
and success could have to consult his interest in such a grovelling
manner, which must create contempt and abhorrence of him in his
patrons, and effectually deprive him of the countenance and protection
he now enjoys in such an eminent degree. He pretended to laugh at
my simplicity, and asked, if I knew for which of his virtues he
was so much caressed by the people of fashion. "It is not," said
he, "for the qualities of his heart, that this little parasite is
invited to the tables of dukes and lords, who hire extraordinary
cooks for his entertainment. His avarice they see not, his ingratitude
they feel not, his hypocrisy accommodates itself to their humours,
and is of consequence pleasing; but he is chiefly courted for
his buffoonery, and will be admitted into the choicest parties of
quality for his talent of mimicking Punch and his wife Joan, when
a poet of the most excellent genius is not able to attract the least
regard." God forbid, Mr. Random, that I should credit assertions
that degrade the dignity of our superiors so much, and represent
the poor man as the most abject of all beings! No, I looked upon
them as the hyperboles of passion; and though that comedy of which
he spoke did actually appear, I dare not doubt the innocence of
Mr. Marmozet, who, I am told, is as much as ever in favour with
the earl; a circumstance that, surely, could not be, unless he had
vindicated his character to the satisfaction of his lordship. Pray
forgive this long digression, and give me the hearing a little
longer; for, thank heaven! I am now near the goal.

"Baffled in all my attempts, I despaired of seeing my play acted;
and bethought myself of choosing some employment that might afford
a sure, though mean subsistence; but my landlord, to whom I was by
this time considerably indebted, and who had laid his account with
having his money paid all in a heap from the profits of my third
night, could not brook his disappointment, therefore made another
effort in my behalf, and, by dint of interest, procured a message
from a lady of fashion to Mr. Brayer, who had always professed
a great veneration for her, desiring that he would set up my play
forthwith, and assuring him that she and all her friends would support
it in the performance. To strengthen my interest, she engaged his
best actors in my cause; and, in short, exerted herself so much,
that it was again received, and my hopes began to revive.  But
Mr. Brayer, honest man, was so much engrossed by business of vast
consequence, though to appearance he had nothing at all to do,
that he could not find time to read it until the season was pretty
far advanced; and read it he must, for notwithstanding his having
perused it before, his memory did not retain one circumstance of
the matter.

"At length he favoured it with his attention, and having proposed
certain alterations, sent his duty to the lady who patronised it,
and promised, on his honour, to bring it on next winter, provided
these alterations should be made, and the copy delivered to him
before the end of April. With an aching heart, I submitted to these
conditions, and performed them accordingly: but fortune owed me
another unforeseen mortification; Mr. Marmozet, during the summer,
became joint patentee with Mr. Brayer, so that when I claimed
performance of articles, I was told he could do nothing without
the consent of his partner, who was pre-engaged to another author.

"My condition was rendered desperate by the death of my good friend and
landlord, whose executors obtained a judgment against my effects,
which they seized, turned me out into the streets naked, friendless,
and forlorn: there I was arrested at the suit of my tailor, and
thrown into the prison, where I have made shift to live these five
weeks on the bounty of my fellow prisoners, who, I hope, are not
the worse for the instruction and good offices by which I manifest
my gratitude; but in spite of all their charitable endeavours, my
life was scarce tolerable, until your uncommon benevolence enabled
me to enjoy it with comfort."





CHAPTER LXIV




I am seized with a deep Melancholy, and become a Sloven--am relieved
by my Uncle--he prevails upon me to engage with his Owners, as a
Surgeon of the Ship which he commands--he makes me a considerable
Present--entertain Strap as his steward--I take leave of my Friends,
and go on Board--the Ship arrives in the Downs


I shall not make any reflection on this story, in the course of
which the reader must perceive how egregiously the simplicity and
milky disposition of this worthy man had been duped and abused
by a set of scoundrels, who were so habituated to falsehood and
equivocation, that I verily believed they would have found the
utmost difficulty in uttering one syllable of truth, though their
lives had depended upon their sincerity. Notwithstanding all I had
suffered from the knavery and selfishness of mankind, I was amazed
and incensed by the base indifference which suffered such uncommon
merit as he possessed to languish in obscurity, and struggle with
all the miseries of a loathsome gaol; and should have blessed the
occasion that secluded me from such a perfidious world, had not the
remembrance of my amiable Narcissa preserved my attachment to a
society of which she constituted a part. The picture of that lovely
creature was the constant companion of my solitude. How often did
I contemplate the resemblance of those enchanting features that
first captivated my heart! how often did I weep over those endearing
scenes which her image recalled! and how often did I curse my
perfidious fate for having robbed me of the fair original! In vain
did my imagination flatter me with schemes of future happiness:
surly reason always interposed, and in a moment overthrew the
unsubstantial fabric, by chastising the extravagance of my hope,
and representing my unhappy situation in the right point of view.
In vain did I fly for refuge to the amusements of the place, and
engage in the parties of Jackson at cards, billiards, nine-pins,
and fives; a train of melancholy thoughts took possession of my
soul, which even the conversation of Melopoyn could not divert.
I ordered Strap to inquire every day at Banter's lodgings, in
expectation of hearing again from my charmer; and my disappointment
considerably, augmented my chagrin. My affectionate valet was
infected with my sorrow, and often sat with me whole hours without
speaking, uttering sigh for sigh, and shedding tear for tear. This
fellowship increased our distemper; he became incapable of business,
and was discarded by his master; while I, seeing my money melt away
without any certainty of deliverance, and, in short, all my hopes
frustrated, grew negligent of life, lost all appetite, and degenerated
into such a sloven. that during the space of three months I was
neither washed, shifted, nor shaved; so that my face, rendered
meagre with abstinence, was obscured with dirt, and overshadowed
with hair, and my whole appearance squalid and even frightful;
when, one day, Strap brought me notice, that there was a man below
who wanted to speak with me.  Roused at this intelligence, and in
full hopes of receiving a letter from the dear object of my love,
I ran downstairs with the utmost precipitation. And found to my
infinite surprise my generous uncle, Mr. Bowling! Transported at
the sight, I sprang forward to embrace him. Upon which he started
aside with great agility, drew his hanger, and put himself upon
his guard, crying, "Avast, brother, avast! Sheer off. Yo ho! you
turnkey, why don't you keep a better look out? Here's one of your
crazy prisoners broke from his lashings, I suppose." I could not
help laughing heartily at his mistake; but this I soon rectified
by my voice, which he instantly recollected, and shook me by the
hand with great affection, testifying his concern at seeing me in
such a miserable condition.

I conducted him to my apartment, where, in presence of Strap,
whom I introduced to him as one of my best friends, he gave me
to understand, that he was just arrived from the Coast Of Guinea,
after having made a pretty successful voyage, in which he had acted
as mate, until the ship was attacked by a French privateer, that
the captain being killed during the engagement, he had taken the
command, and was so fortunate as to sink the enemy; after which
exploit he fell in with a merchant ship from Martinico, laden
with sugar, indigo and some silver and by virtue of his letter of
marque, attacked, took, and carried her safe into Kinsale in Ireland,
where she was condemned as a lawful prize; by which means he had
not only got a pretty sum of money, but also acquired the favour
of his owners, who had already conferred upon him the command of a
large ship, mounted with twenty nine-pounders, ready to sail upon
a very advantageous voyage, which he was not at liberty to discover.
And he assured me that it was with the greatest difficulty he found
me, in consequence of a direction left for him at his lodgings at
Wapping.

I was rejoiced beyond measure at this account of his good fortune;
and, at his desire, recounted all the adventures that had happened
to me since we parted. When he understood the particulars of Strap's
attachment to me, he squeezed his hand very cordially, and promised
to make a man of him; then, giving me ten guineas for my present
occasion, took a direction for the tailor who arrested me, and went
away in order to discharge the debt. telling me at parting, that
he would soon fetch up all my leeway with a wet sail.

I was utterly confounded at this sudden transition, which affected
me more than any reverse I had formerly felt; and a crowd of
incoherent ideas rushed so impetuously upon my imagination, that my
reason could neither separate nor connect them; when Strap, whose
joy had manifested itself in a thousand fool-cries, came into my
room with his shaving utensils, and without any previous intimation,
began to lather my beard, whistling with great emotion all the
while. I started from my reverie, and, being too well acquainted
with Strap to trust myself in his hands while he was under such
agitation, desired to be excused, sent for another barber, and
suffered myself to be trimmed. Having performed the ceremony of
ablution, I shifted, and dressing in my gayest apparel, waited for
the return of my uncle, who was agreeably surprised at my sudden
transformation.

This beneficent kinsman had satisfied my creditor, and obtained
an order for my discharge, so that I was no longer a prisoner;
but, as I had some reluctance to part with my friends and fellows
in distress, I prevailed upon Mr. Bowling to favour us with his
company, and invited Mr. Melopoyn and Jackson to spend the evening
at my apartment, where I regaled them with a supper, good wine,
and the news of my release, on which they heartily congratulated
me, notwithstanding the loss of my company, which, they were pleased
to say, they should severely feel. As for Jackson, his misfortune
made so little impression on himself, and he was altogether so
loose, indifferent, and indiscreet, that I could scarce pity his
situation: but I had conceived a veneration and friendship for
the poet, who was, in all respects, an object much more worthy of
compassion and regard. When our guests withdrew, and my uncle had
retired, with an intention of visiting me next morning, I made up
a bundle of some linen and other necessaries; and, bidding Strap
carry them to Mr.  Melopoyn's lodgings, went thither myself, and
pressed it upon his acceptance, with five guineas, which, with
much difficulty, he received, assuring me at the same time, that
he should never have it in his power to make satisfaction. I then
asked if I could serve him in any other way; to which be answered,
"You have already done too much;" and, unable to contain the
emotions of his soul any longer, burst into tears, and wept aloud.
Moved at this spectacle, I left him to his repose, and, when
my uncle returned in the morning, represented his character in
such a favourable light, that the honest seaman was affected with
his distress, and determined to follow my example, in presenting
him with five pieces more; upon which, that I might save him some
confusion, I advised Mr. Bowling to inclose it in a letter to be
delivered by Strap, after we should be gone.

This was accordingly done. I took a formal leave of all my
acquaintance in the gaol; and, just as I was about to step into a
hackney coach at the gate, Jackson calling me, I returned, and he
asked me in a whisper, if I could lend him a shilling! His demand
being so moderate, and in all likelihood the last he would make upon
me, I slipped a guinea into his hand, which he no sooner perceived,
than he cried, "O Jesus, a guinea!" then laying hold of a button
of my coat, broke out into laughter; and when his immoderate fit
of convulsion was ended, told me I was an honest fellow, and let me
go.  The coachman was ordered to drive to Mr. Bowling's lodgings,
where, when we arrived, he entered into a serious discourse with
me, on the subject of my situation, and proposed that I should sail
with him in quality of his surgeon; in which case he would put me
in a method of getting a fortune in a few years by my own industry;
and assured me, that I might expect to inherit all that he should
die possessed of, provided I should survive him. Though I was penetrated
with a sense of his generosity, l was startled at a proposal that
offered violence to my love, and signified my sentiments on that
head, which he did not seem to relish; but observed that love
was the fruit of idleness, that when once I should be employed in
business, and my mind engaged in making money, I should be no more
troubled with these silly notions, which none but your fair-weathered
Jacks, who have nothing but their pleasure to mind, ought to
entertain. I was piqued at this insinuation, which I looked upon as
a reproach, and, without giving myself time to deliberate, accepted
his offer. He was overjoyed at my compliance, carried me immediately
to his chief owner, with whom a bargain was struck; so that then
I could not retract with honour, had I been ever so much averse to
the agreement. That I might not have time to cool, he bade me draw
out a list of medicines for a complement of five hundred men, adapted
to the distempers of hot climates. and sufficient for a voyage of
eighteen months; and carry it to a certain wholesale apothecary, who
would also provide me in two well-qualified mates. While I was thus
employed Strap came in, and looked very blank, when he understood
my resolution: however, after a pause of some minutes, he insisted
upon going along with me; and at my desire was made ship's steward
by Captain Bowling, who promised to be at the expense of fitting
him out, and to lend him two hundred pounds to purchase an adventure.

When I had delivered my list of medicines, chosen a couple of my own
countrymen for mates, and bespoke a set of chirurgical instruments,
my uncle told me, that by his last voyage he had cleared almost
three thousand pounds, one-third of which he would immediately make
over and put into my hands; that he would procure for me credit
to the value of as much wore in such goods as would turn to best
account in the country to which we were bound; and that, although
he looked upon my interest as his own, he would keep the remaining
part of his fortune in his own disposal, with a view of preserving
his independence, and the power of punishing me, in case I should
not make a good use of what he had already bestowed.

Without troubling the reader with an account of the effect which
this surprising generosity had upon my mind, I shall only say, that
his promises were instantly performed, and an invoice of merchandise
proper for the voyage presented to me, that I might purchase the
goods, and ship them with all expedition. In the midst of this
hurry, the remembrance of my charming Narcissa often interposed,
and made me the most miserable of all mortals. I was distracted with
the thought of being torn from her, perhaps for ever; and though
the hope of seeing her again might have supported me under the
torments of separation, I could not reflect upon the anguish she
must feel at parting with me, and the incessant sorrows to which
her tender bosom would be exposed during my absence, without being
pierced with the deepest affliction! As my imagination was daily
and nightly upon the rack to invent some method of mitigating
this cruel stroke, or at least of acquitting my love and honour in
the opinion of this gentle creature, I at length stumbled upon an
expedient, with which the reader will be made acquainted in due
time; and, in consequence of my determination, became less uneasy
and disturbed.

My business being finished, and the ship really to sail, I resolved
to make my last appearance among my acquaintance at the other end
of the town, where I had not been since my imprisonment; and as I
had, by the advice of my uncle, taken off some very rich clothes
for sale, I put on the gayest suit in my possession, and went in
a chair to the coffee-house I used to frequent, where I found my
friend Banter so confounded at the magnificence of my dress, that,
when I made up to him, he gazed at me with a look of astonishment,
without being able, for some minutes, to open his lips; then pulling
me aside by the sleeve, and fixing his eyes on mine, accosted
me thus: "Random, where the devil have you been! eh? What is the
meaning of all this finery? Oho! I understand you. You are just
arrived from the country! what, the roads are good, eh? Well,
Random, you are a bold fellow, and a lucky fellow! but take care,
the pitcher goes often to the well, but is broke at last." So
saying, he pointed to his collar; by which gesture, and the broken
hints he had ejaculated, I found he suspected me of having robbed
on the highway; and I laughed very heartily at his supposition.
Without explaining myself any further, I told him be was mistaken
in his conjecture; that I had been for some time past with the
relation of whom he had frequently heard me speak; and that, as
I should set out next day upon my travels, I had come to take my
leave of my friends, and to receive of him the money he had borrowed
from me, which, now that I was going abroad, I should certainly
have occasion for. He was a little disconcerted at this demand;
but, recollecting himself in a moment, swore in an affected passion,
that I had used him extremely ill, and he would never forgive me
for having, by this short warning, put it out of his power to free
himself of an obligation he could no longer bear. I could not help
smiling at this pretended delicacy, which I commended highly, telling
him he needed not to be uneasy on that score, for I would give him
a direction to a merchant in the city, with whom I would leave a
discharge on the sum, to be delivered upon payment. He professed
much joy at this expedient, and with great eagerness asked the
person's name and place of abode, which he forthwith wrote in his
pocket-book, assuring me, that he should not be long in my debt.
This affair, which I knew he should never after think of, being
settled to his satisfaction, I sent cards to all my friends, desiring
the favour of their company at a tavern in the evening, when they
honoured my invitation, and I had the pleasure of treating them in
a very elegant manner, at which they expressed equal admiration as
applause. Having enjoyed ourselves till midnight, I took my leave
of them, and was well nigh stifled with caresses: next day, I set
out with Strap in a postchaise for Gravesend, where we went on
beard; and the wind serving, weighed anchor in less than twelve
hours. Without meeting with any accident, we reached the Downs,
where we were obliged to come to an anchor, and wait for an easterly
wind to carry us out of the Channel.





CHAPTER LXV




I set out for Sussex--consult Mrs. Sagely--achieve an Interview
with Narcissa--return to the Ship--we get clear of the Channel--I
learn our Destination--we are chased by a large Ship--the company
are dismayed, and encouraged by the Captain's speech--our pursuer
happens to be an English Man of War--we arrive at the Coast of
Guinea, purchase four hundred Negroes--sail for Paraguay, get safe
into the River of Plate, and sell our Cargo to great Advantage


It was now I put in execution the scheme I had projected at London;
and asking leave of the captain for Strap and me to stay on shore
till the wind should become favourable, my request was granted,
because he had orders to remain in the Downs until he should receive
some dispatches from London, which he did not expect in less than
a week. Having imparted my resolution to my trusty valet, who (though
he endeavoured to dissuade me from such a rash undertaking) would
not quit me in the enterprise, I hired horses, and set out immediately
for that part of Sussex where my charmer was confined, which was
not above thirty miles distant from Deal, where we mounted. As I
was perfectly well acquainted with the extent of the squire's estate
and influence, I halted within five miles of his house, where we
remained till the twilight, at which time we set forward, and, by
the favour of a dark night, reached a copse about half-a-mile from
the village where Mrs. Sagely lived. Here we left our horses tied
to a tree, and went directly to the house of my old benefactress,
Strap trembling all the way, and venting ejaculatory petitions to
heaven for our safety. Her habitation being quite solitary, we arrived
at the door without being observed, when I ordered my companion.
to enter by himself; and, in case there should be company with her,
deliver a letter which I had writ for that purpose, and say that a
friend of hers in London, understanding that he intended to travel
this road, had committed it to his care. He rapped at the door,
to which the good old matron coming, told him that, being a lone
woman, he must excuse her, if she did not open it, until he had
declared his name and business. He answered, that his name was
unknown to her, and that his business was to deliver a letter,
which (to free her from all apprehension) he would convey to her
through the space between the door and threshold. This he instantly
performed: and she no sooner read the contents, which specified my
being present, than she cried, "If the person who wrote this letter
be at hand, let him speak, that I may be assured by his voice whether
or not I may safely admit him." I forthwith applied my mouth to the
keyhole, and pronounced, "Dear mother, you need not be afraid, it
is I, so much indebted to your goodness, who now crave admittance."
She knew my voice, and opening the door immediately, received me
with a truly maternal affection, manifesting, by the tears she let
fall, her concern lest I should be discovered, for she had been
informed of everything that had happened between Narcissa and me
from the dear captive's own mouth. When I explained the motive of
my journey, which was no other than a desire of seeing the object
of my love before I should quit the kingdom, that I might in person
convince her of the necessity I was under to leave her, reconcile
her to that event, by describing the advantages that in all
probability would attend it, repeat my vows of eternal constancy,
and enjoy the melancholy pleasure of a tender embrace at parting.
I say, when I had thus signified my intention, Mrs. Sagely told
me, that Narcissa, upon her return from Bath, had been so strictly
watched that nobody but one or two of the servants devoted to her
brother, was admitted to her presence, that afterwards she had been
a little enlarged, and was permitted to see company; during which
indulgence, she had been several times at the cottage; but of late
she had been betrayed by one of the servants, who discovered to the
squire, that he had once carried a letter from her to the post-house
directed to me; upon which information she was now more confined
than ever, and that I could have no chance of seeing her, unless
I would run the risk of getting into the garden, where she and her
maid were every day allowed to take the air, and lie hid until I
should have an opportunity of speaking to them--an adventure attended
with such danger, that no man in his right wits would attempt it.
This enterprise, hazardous as it was, I resolved to perform, in
spite of all the arguments of Mrs. Sagely, who reasoned, chid, and
entreated by turns; and the tears and prayers of Strap, who conjured
me on his knees, to have more regard to myself as well as to him,
than to attempt my own destruction in such a precipitate manner.
I was deaf to but the suggestions of my love; and ordering him to
return immediately with the horses to the inn from whence we set
out, and wait for my coming in that place, he at first peremptorily
refused to leave me, until I persuaded him, that if our horses
should remain where they were till daylight, they would certainly
be discovered, and the whole country alarmed. On this consideration,
he took his leave in a sorrowful plight, kissed my hand, and,
weeping, cried "God knows if ever I shall see you again." My kind
landlady, finding me obstinate, gave me her best advice how to
behave in the execution of my project: and after having persuaded
me to take a little refreshment, accommodated me with a bed, and
left me to my repose. Early in the morning I arose, and armed with
a couple of loaded pistols and a hanger, went to the back part
of the squire's garden, climbed over the wall, and, according to
Mrs.  Sagely's direction, concealed myself in a thicket, hard by
an alcove that terminated a walk at a good distance from the house,
which (I was told) my mistress mostly frequented. Here I absconded
from five o'clock in the morning to six in the evening, without
seeing a human creature; at last I perceived two women approaching,
whom, by my throbbing heart, I soon recognised to be the adorable
Narcissa and Miss Williams. I felt the strongest agitation of soul
at the sight; and guessing, that they would repose themselves in the
alcove, stopped into it unperceived, and hid upon the stone table
a picture of myself in miniature, for which I had sat in London,
purposing to leave it with Narcissa before I should go abroad. I
exposed it in this manner, as an introduction to my own appearance,
which, without some previous intimation, I was afraid might have
an unlucky effect upon the delicate nerves of my fair enslaver; and
then withdrew into the thicket, where I could hear their discourse,
and suit myself to the circumstance of the occasion. As they
advanced, I observed an air of melancholy in the countenance of
Narcissa, blended with such unspeakable sweetness, that I could
scarce refrain from flying into her arms, and kissing away the
pearly drop that stood collected in each bewitching eye. According
to my expectation, she entered the alcove, and perceiving something
on the table, took it up. No sooner did she cast her eye upon the
features, than, startled at the resemblance, she cried, "Good God!"
and the roses instantly vanished from her cheeks. Her confidante,
alarmed at this exclamation, looked at the picture; and, struck with
the likeness, exclaimed, "Jesus!  the very features of Mr. Random!"
Narcissa, having recollected herself a little, said, "Whatever
angel brought it hither as a comfort to me in my affliction, I am
thankful for the benefit, and will preserve it as the dearest object
of my care." So saying, she kissed it with surprising ardour, shed
a flood of tears, and then deposited the lifeless image in her lovely
bosom. Transported at these symptoms of her unaltered affection, I
was about to throw myself at her feet, when. Miss Williams, whose
reflection was less engaged than that of her mistress, observed
that the picture could not transport itself hither, and that she
could not help thinking I was not far off. The gentle Narcissa,
starting at this conjecture, answered, "Heaven forbid! for although
nothing in the universe could yield me satisfaction equal to that
of his presence for one poor moment, in a proper place, I would
rather forfeit his company--almost for ever, than see him here,
where his life would be exposed to so much danger." I could no
longer restrain the impulse of my passion, but, breaking from my
concealment, stood before her, when she uttered a fearful shriek,
and fainted in the arms of her companion. I flew towards the treasure
of my soul, clasped her in my embrace, and with the warmth of my
kisses, brought her again to life. Oh that I were endowed with the
expression of a Raphael, the graces of a Guido, the magic touches
of a Titian, that I might represent the fond concern, the chastened
rapture and ingenuous blush, that mingled on her beauteous face,
when she opened her eyes upon me, and pronounced, "O heavens! is
it you?" I am afraid I have already encroached upon the reader's
patience with the particulars of this amour, of which (I own) I
cannot help being impertinently circumstantial. I shall therefore
omit the less material passages of this interview, during which I
convinced her reason, though I could not appease the sad presages
of her love, with regard to the long voyage and dangers I must
undergo. When we had spent an hour (which was all she could spare
from the barbarity of her brother's vigilance) in lamenting over
our hard fate, and in repeating our reciprocal vows, Miss Williams
reminded us of the necessity there was for our immediate parting;
and, sure, lovers never parted with such sorrow and reluctance as
we. But because my words are incapable of doing. justice to this
affecting circumstance, I am obliged to draw a veil over it, and
observe, that I returned in the dark to the house of Mrs. Sagely,
who was overjoyed to hear of my success, and opposed the tumults
of my grief with such strength of reason, that my mind regained, in
some measure, its tranquillity; and that very night, after having
forced upon the good gentlewoman a purse of twenty guineas, as a
token of my gratitude and esteem, I took my leave of her, and set
out on foot for the inn, where my arrival freed honest Strap from
the horrors of unutterable dread.

We took horse immediately, and alighted early next morning at Deal,
where I found my uncle in great concern on account of my absence,
because he had received his despatches, and must have weighed with
the first fair wind, whether I had been on board or not. Next day,
a brisk easterly gale springing up, we set sail, and in eight and
forty hours got clear of the Channel.

When we were about two hundred leagues to westward of the Land's
End, the captain, taking me apart into the cabin, told me that, now
he was permitted by his instructions, he would disclose the intent
and destination of our voyage. "The ship," said he, "which has been
fitted out at a great expense, is bound for the coast of Guinea,
where we shall exchange part of our cargo for slaves and gold dust,
from whence we will transport our negroes to Buenos Ayres in New
Spain, where (by virtue of passports, obtained from our own court,
and that of Madrid) we will dispose of them and the goods that remain
on board for silver, by means of our supercargo, who is perfectly
well acquainted with the coast, the lingo, and inhabitants." Being
thus let into the secret of our expedition, I borrowed of the
supercargo a Spanish grammar, dictionary, and some other books
of the same language, which I studied with such application that,
before we arrived in New Spain, I could maintain a conversation
with him in that tongue. Being arrived in the warm latitudes, I
ordered (with the captain's consent) the whole ship's company to be
blooded and purged, myself undergoing the same evacuation, in order
to prevent those dangerous fevers to which northern constitutions
are subject in hot climates; and I have reason to believe, that
this precaution was not unserviceable, for we lost but one sailor
during our whole passage to the coast.

One day, when we had been about five weeks at sea, we descried to
windward a large ship bearing down upon us with all the sail she
could carry. Upon which, my uncle ordered the studding-sails to be
hoisted and the ship to be cleared for engaging; but, finding that
(to use the seaman's phrase) we were very much wronged by the ship
which had us in chase, and by this time had hoisted French colours,
he commanded the studding-sails to be taken in, the courses to be
clowed up, the main topsail to be backed, the tompions to be taken
out of the guns, and every man to repair to his quarters. While
every body was busied in the performance of these orders, Strap came
upon the quarter-deck, trembling and looking aghast, and, with a
voice half-suppressed by fear, asked if I thought we were a match
for the vessel in pursuit of us. Observing his consternation, I
said, "What! are you afraid, Strap." "Afraid! (he replied); n-n-no;
what should I be afraid of? I thank God I have a clear conscience;
but I believe it will be a bloody battle, and I wish you may not
have occasion for another hand to assist you in the cockpit." I
immediately perceived his drift, and making the captain acquainted
with his situation, desired he might be stationed below with me and
my mates. My uncle, incensed at his pusillanimity, bade me send him
down instantly, that his fear might not infect the ship's company;
whereupon I told the poor steward that I had begged him for
my assistant, and desired him to go down and help my mates to get
ready the instruments and dressings. Notwithstanding the satisfaction
he must have felt at those tidings, he affected a shyness of quitting
the upper deck; and said, he hoped I did not imagine he was afraid
to do his duty above board; for he believed himself as well prepared
for death as any man in the ship, no disparagement to me or the
captain. I was disgusted at this affectation; and, in order to
punish his hypocrisy, assured him he might take his choice, either
of going down to the cockpit with me, or staying upon deck during
the engagement. Alarmed at this indifference, he replied, "Well,
to oblige you, I'll go down, but remember it is more for your sake
than my own." So saying, he disappeared in a twinkling, without
waiting for an answer.

By this time, we could observe two tier of guns in the ship which
pursued us, and which was now but two short miles astern. This
discovery had an evident effect upon the sailors, who did not
scruple to say, that we should be torn to pieces, and blown out
of the water, and that, if in case any of them should lose their
precious limbs, they must go a begging for life, for there was
no provision made by the merchants for those poor souls who are
maimed in their service. The captain, understanding this, ordered
the crew abaft, and spoke to them thus: "My lads, I am told you
hang an a--se. I have gone to sea thirty years, a man and a boy,
and never saw English sailors afraid before. Mayhap you may think
I want to expose you for the lucre of gain. Whosoever thinks so,
thinks a d--ned lie, for my whole cargo is insured; so that, in
case I should be taken, my loss would not be great. The enemy is
stronger than we, to be sure. What then? have we not a chance for
carrying away one of her masts, and so get clear of her? If we find
her too hard for us, 'tis but striking at last. If any man is hurt
in the engagement, I promise on the word of an honest seaman, to
make him a recompense according to his loss. So now, you that are
lazy, lubberly, cowardly dogs, get away and skulk in the hold and
bread-room; and you, that are jolly boys, stand by me, and let us
give one broadside for the honour of Old England." This eloquent
harangue was so well adapted to the disposition of his hearers,
that one and all of them, pulling off their hats, waved them over
their heads, and saluted him with three cheers; upon which he
sent his boy for two large case-bottles of brandy: having treated
every man with a dram, they repaired to their quarters, and waited
impatiently for the word of command. I must do my uncle the justice
to say, that in the whole of his disposition, he behaved with the
utmost intrepidity, conduct, and deliberation. The enemy being
very near, he ordered me to my station, and was just going to give
the word for hoisting the colours, and firing, when the supposed
Frenchman hauled down his white pennant, jack, and ensign, hoisted
English ones, and fired a gun a-head of us. This was a joyful event
to Captain Bowling, who immediately showed his colours, and fired
a gun to leeward; upon which the other ship ran alongside of us,
hailed him, and, giving him to know that she was an English man-of-war
of forty guns, ordered him to hoist out his boat and come on board.
This command he obeyed with the more alacrity, because, upon inquiry,
he found that she was commanded by an old messmate of his, who was
overjoyed to see him, detained him to dinner, and sent his barge for
the supercargo and me, who were very much caressed on his account.
As this commander was destined to cruise upon the French in the
latitude of Martinico, his stem and quarters were adorned with white
fleurs-de-lis, and the whole shell of the ship so much disguised
for a decoy to the enemy, that it was no wonder my uncle did not
know her, although he had sailed on board of her many years. We
kept company with her four days, during which time the captains
were never asunder, and then parted, our course lying different
from hers.

In less than fortnight after our separation, we made the land of
Guinea, near the mouth of the River Gambia; and trading along the
coast as far to the southward of the Line as Angola and Bengula,
in less than six months disposed of the greatest part of our cargo,
and purchased four hundred negroes, my adventure having been laid
out in gold dust.

Our complement being made up, we took our departure from Cape Negroe,
and arrived in the Rio de la Plata in six weeks, having met with
nothing remarkable in our voyage, except an epidemic fever, not
unlike the jail distemper, which broke out among our slaves and
carried off a good many of the ship's company; among whom I lost
one of my mates, and poor Strap had well nigh given up the ghost.
Having produced our passport to the Spanish governor, we were
received with great courtesy, sold our slaves in a very few days,
and could have put off five times the number at our own price; though
we were obliged to smuggle the rest of our merchandise, consisting
of European bale-goods, which however we made shift to dispose of
at a great advantage.





CHAPTER LXVI




I am invited to the Villa of a Spanish Don, where we went with an
English Gentleman, and make a very interesting discovery--we leave
Buenos Ayres, and arrive at Jamaica


Our ship being freed from the disagreeable lading of negroes,
to whom, indeed, I had been a miserable slave since our leaving
the coast of Guinea, I began to enjoy myself, and breathe with
pleasure the pure air of Paraguay, this part of which is reckoned
the Montpelier of South America, and has obtained, on account of
its climate, the name of Buenos Ayres. It was in this delicious
place that I gave myself entirely up to the thoughts of my dear
Narcissa, whose image still kept possession of my breast, and
whose charms, enhanced by absence, appeared to my imagination, if
possible, more engaging than ever! I calculated the profits of my
voyage, which even exceeded my expectation; resolved to purchase
sinecure upon my arrival in England, and if I should find the squire
as averse to me as ever, marry his sister by stealth; and in case
our family should increase, rely on the generosity of my uncle,
who was by this time worth a considerable sum.

While I amused myself with these agreeable projects, and
the transporting thoughts of enjoying Narcissa, we were very much
caressed by the Spanish gentlemen, who frequently formed parties
of pleasure for our entertainment, in which we made excursions a
good way into the country. Among those who signalised themselves by
their civility to us, was one Don Antonio de Ribera, a very polite
young gentleman, with whom I had contracted an intimate friendship,
who invited us one day to his country house, and, as a further
inducement to our compliance, promised to procure for us the
company of an English Signor, who had been settled in those parts
many years. and acquired the love and esteem of the whole province
by his affability, good sense, and honourable behaviour.

We accepted his invitation, and set out for his villa, where we
had not been longer than an hour, when the person arrived in whose
favour I had been so much prepossessed. He was a tall man, remarkably
well shaped, of a fine mieu and appearance, commanding respect,
and seemed to be turned of forty; the features of his face were
saddened with a reserve and gravity, which in other countries would
have been thought the effect of melancholy; but here appeared to
have been contracted by his commerce with the Spaniards, who are
remarkable for that severity of countenance. Understanding from Don
Antonio that we were his countrymen, he saluted us all round very
complacently, and fixing his eyes attentively on me, uttered a deep
sigh. I had been struck with a profound veneration for him at his
first coming into the room; and no sooner observed this expression
of his sorrow, directed, as it were, in a particular manner to me,
that my heart took part in his grief; I sympathised involuntarily
and sighed in my turn. Having asked leave of our entertainer, he
accosted us in English, professed his satisfaction at seeing so many
of his countrymen in such a remote place, and asked the captain,
who went by the name of Signor Thoma, from what part of Britain
he had sailed and whither he was bound. My uncle told him that we
had sailed from the River Thames, and were bound for the same plane
by the way of Jamaica, where we intended to take in a lading of
sugar.

Having satisfied himself in these and other particulars about the
state of the war, he gave us to understand, that he had a longing
desire to revisit his native country, in consequence of which he
had already transmitted to Europe the greatest part of his fortune
in neutral bottoms, and would willingly embark the rest of it with
himself in our ship, provided the captain had no objection to such
a passenger. My uncle very prudently replied, that for his part he
should be glad of his company, if he could procure the consent of
the governor, without which he durst not take him on board, whatever
inclination he had to oblige him. The gentleman approved of his
discretion, and telling him that there would be no difficulty in
obtaining the connivance of the governor, who was his good friend,
shifted the conversation to another subject.

I was overjoyed to hear his intention, and already interested myself
so much in his favour that, had he been disappointed, I should have
been very unhappy. In the course of our entertainment, he eyed me
with uncommon attachment, I felt a surprising attraction towards
him; when he spoke, I listened with attention and reverence; the
dignity of his deportment filled me with affection and awe; and,
in short, the emotions of my soul, in presence of this stranger,
were strong and unaccountable.

Having spent the best part of the day with us, he took his leave,
telling Captain Thoma, that he should hear from him in a short time.
He was no sooner gone than I asked a thousand questions about him
of Don Antonio, who could give me no other satisfaction than that
his name was Don Rodrigo, that be had lived fifteen or sixteen
years in these parts, was reputed rich, and supposed to have been
unfortunate in his younger years, because he was observed to nourish
a pensive melancholy, even from the time of his first settlement
among them; but that nobody had ventured to inquire into the cause
of his sorrow, in consideration of his peace, which might suffer
in the recapitulation of his misfortunes.

I was seized with an irresistible desire of knowing the particulars
of his fate, and enjoyed not an hour of repose during the whole
night, by reason of the eager conceptions that inspired me with
regard to his story, which I resolved (if possible) to learn. Next
morning, while we were at breakfast, three mules, richly caparisoned,
arrived with a message from Don Rodrigo, desiring our company,
and that of Don Antonio, at his house, which was situated about ten
miles further up in the country. I was pleased with this invitation,
in consequence of which we mounted the mules which he had provided for
us, and alighted at his house before noon. Here we were splendidly
entertained by the generous stranger, who still seemed to show a
particular regard for me, and after dinner made me a present of a
ring, set with a beautiful amethyst, the production of that country,
saying, at the same time, that he was once blessed with a son, who,
had he lived, would have been nearly of my age.  This observation,
delivered with a profound sigh, made my heart throb with violence:
a crowd of confused ideas rushed upon my imagination, which, while
I endeavoured to unravel, my uncle perceived my absence of thought,
and tapping me on the shoulder, said, "Oons, are you asleep, Rory?"
Before I had time to reply, Don Rodrigo, with uncommon eagerness
of voice and look, pronounced, "Pray, captain, what is the
young gentleman's name?" "His name," said my uncle, "is Roderick
Random." "Gracious Powers! " cried the stranger, starting up-"And
his mother's?" "His mother," answered the captain, amazed, "was
called Charlotte Bowling." "O bounteous Heaven!" exclaimed Don
Rodrigo, springing across the table, and clasping me in his arms,
"my son! my son! have I found thee again?  do I hold thee in my
embrace, after having lost and despaired of seeing thee so long?"
So saying, he fell upon my neck, and wept aloud with joy; while
the power of nature operating strongly in my breast. I was lost in
rapture, and while he pressed me to his heart, let fall a shower
of tears in his bosom. His utterance was choked up a good while by
the agitation of his soul; at length he broke out into "Mysterious
Providence!--O my dear Charlotte, there yet remains a pledge of
our love! and such a pledge!--so found! O infinite Goodness, let
me adore thy all-wise decrees!" Having thus expressed himself, he
kneeled upon the floor, lifted up his eyes and hands to heaven, and
remained some minutes in silent ecstacy of devotion. I put myself
in the same posture, adored the all-good Dispenser in a prayer of
mental thanksgiving: and when his ejaculation was ended, did homage
to my father, and craved his paternal blessing. He hugged me again
with unutterable fondness, and having implored the protection of
Heaven upon my head, raised me from the ground, and presented me
as his son to the company, who wept in concert over this affecting
scene. Among the rest, my uncle did not fail to discover the
goodness and joy of his heart. Albeit unused to the melting mood,
he blubbered with great tenderness, and wringing my father's hand,
cried, "Brother Random, I'm rejoiced to see you--God be praised
for this happy meeting!" Don Rodrigo, understanding that he was
his brother-in-law, embraced him affectionately, saying, "Are you
my Charlotte's brother? Alas! unhappy Charlotte! but why should I
repine? we shall meet again, never more to part! Brother, you are
truly welcome. Dear son, I am transported with unspeakable joy! This
day is a jubilee--my friends and servants shall share my satisfaction."

While he dispatched messengers to the gentlemen in the neighbourhood,
to announce this event, and gave orders for a grand entertainment,
I was so much affected with the tumults of passion, which assailed
me on this great, sudden, and unexpected occasion, that I fell sick,
fevered, and in less than three hours became quite delirious: so
that the preparations were countermanded, and the joy of the family
converted into grief and despair. Physicians were instantly called,
I was plentifully blooded in the foot, my lower extremities were
bathed in a decoction of salutiferous herbs: in ten hours after
I was taken ill I enjoyed a critical sweat, and next day felt the
remains of the distemper, but an agreeable lassitude, which did
not hinder me from getting up. During the progress of this fever,
which, from the term or its duration, is called ephemera, my father
never once quitted my bedside, but administered the prescriptions
of the physicians with the most pious care; while Captain Bowling
manifested his concern by the like attendance. I no sooner found
myself delivered from this disease, than I bethought myself of my
honest friend Strap; and resolving to make him happy forthwith in
the knowledge of my good fortune, told my father in general, that
I had been infinitely obliged to this faithful adherent, and begged
he would indulge me so far as to send for him, without letting him
know my happiness, until he could receive an account of it from my
own mouth.

My request was instantly complied with, and a messenger with a spare
mule despatched to the ship, carrying orders from the captain to
the mate, to send the steward by the bearer. My health being, in the
meantime, re-established, and my mind composed I began to relish
this important turn of my fortune, in reflecting upon the advantages
with which it must be attended; and, as the idea of my lovely
Narcissa always joined itself to every scene of happiness I could
imagine, I entertained myself now with the prospect of possessing
her in that distinguished sphere to which she was entitled by her
birth and qualifications. Having often mentioned her name while
I was deprived of my senses, my father guessed that there was an
intimate connection between us, and discovering the picture which
hung in my bosom by ribbon, did not doubt that it was the resemblance
of my amiable mistress. In this belief he was confirmed by my uncle,
who told him that it was the picture of a young woman, to whom I
was under promise of marriage. Alarmed at this piece of information,
Don Rodrigo took the first opportunity of questioning me about the
particulars of this affair, which when I had candidly recounted,
he approved of my passion, and promised to contribute all in his
power towards its success. Though I never doubted his generosity,
I was transported on this occasion, and throwing myself at his
feet, told him, he had now completed my happiness, for, without
the possession or Narcissa I should be miserable among all the
pleasures of life. He raised me with a smile of paternal fondness;
said he knew what it was to be in love; and observed that, if he had
been as tenderly beloved by his father as I was by mine, he should
not now perhaps have cause--Here he was interrupted by a sigh, the
tear rushed into his eye, suppressed the dictates of his grief, and
the time being opportune, desired me to relate the passages of my
life, which my uncle had told him were manifold and surprising. I
recounted the most material circumstances of my fortune, to which
he listened with wonder and attention, manifesting from time to
time the different emotions which my different situations may be
supposed to have raised in a parent's breast; and, when my detail
was ended, blessed God for the adversity I had undergone, which,
he said, enlarged the understanding, improved the heart, steeled
the constitution, and qualified a young man for all the duties and
enjoyments of life much better than any education which affluence
could bestow.

When I had thus satisfied his curiosity, I discovered an inclination
to hear the particulars of his story, which he gratified by beginning
with his marriage, and proceeded to the day of his disappearing,
as I have related in the first part of my memoirs.  "Careless of
life," continued he, " and unable to live in a place where every
object recalled the memory of my dear Charlotte, whom I had lost
through the barbarity of an unnatural parent, I took my leave of
you, my child, then an infant, with a heart full of unutterable
woe, but little suspecting that my father's unkindness would have
descended to my innocent orphan; and setting out alone at midnight
for the nearest seaport, early next morning got on board a ship,
bound, as I had heard, for France; and, bargaining with the master
for my passage, bade a long adieu to my native country, and put
to sea with the first fair wind. The place of our destination was
Granville, but we had the misfortune to run upon a ridge of rocks
near the Island of Alderney, called the Caskets, where the sea
running high, the ship went to pieces, the boat sunk alongside, and
every soul on board perished, except myself, who, by the assistance
of a grating got ashore on the coast of Normandy. I went directly
to Caen, where I was so lucky as to meet with a count, whom I had
formerly known in my travels; with this gentleman I set out for
Paris, where I was recommended by him and other friends, as tutor
to a young nobleman, whom I accompanied to the court of Spain.
There we remained a whole year, at the end of which my pupil being
recalled by his father, I quitted my office, and stayed behind,
by the advice of a certain Spanish grandee, who took me into his
protection, and introduced me to another nobleman, who was afterwards
created viceroy of Peru. He insisted on my attending, him to his
government of the Indies, where, however, by reason of my religion,
it was not in his power to make my fortune any other way than by
encouraging me to trade, which I had not long prosecuted when my
patron died, and I found myself in the midst of strangers, without
one friend to support or protect me. Urged by this consideration,
I sold my effects, and removed to this country, the governor
of which, having been appointed by the viceroy, was my intimate
acquaintance. Here has heaven prospered my endeavours, during
a residence of sixteen years, in which my tranquillity was never
invaded but by the remembrance of your mother, whose death I have
in secret mourned without ceasing, and the reflection of you, whose
fate I could never learn notwithstanding all my inquiries by means
of my friends in France, who, after the most strict examination,
could give me no other account than that you went abroad six years
ago, and was never after heard of. I could not rest satisfied with
this imperfect information, and, though my hope of finding you was
but languid, resolved to go in quest of you in person; for which
purpose, I have remitted to Holland the value of twenty thousand
pounds, and am in possession of fifteen thousand more, with which
I intended to embark myself on board of Captain Bowling, before
I discovered this amazing stroke of Providence, which, you may be
sure, has not altered my intention."

My father, having entertained us with this agreeable sketch of
his life, withdrew, in order to relieve Don Antonio, who, in his
absence, had done the honours of his house; and I was just dressed
for my appearance among the guests, when Strap arrived from the
ship.

He no sooner entered the grand apartment in which I was, and saw the
magnificence of my apparel, than his speech was lost in amazement,
and he gaped in silence at the objects that surrounded him. I took
him by the hand, observed that I had sent for him to be a witness
and sharer of my happiness, and told him I had found a father. At
these words he started, and, after having continued some minutes
with his mouth and eyes wide open, cried, "Ah!--odd, I know what!
go thy ways, poor Narcissa, and go thy ways somebody else--well--Lord,
what a thing is love! God help us! are all our mad pranks and
protestations come to this? And have you fixed your habitation in
this distant land? God prosper you--I find we must part at last--for
I would not leave my poor carcase so far from my native home, for
all the wealth of the universe!" With these ejaculations, he began
to sob and make wry faces; upon which I assured him of his mistake,
both in regard to my staying in Paraguay, and informed him, as
briefly as I could, of the great event that had happened. Never was
rapture more ludicrously expressed than in the behaviour of this
worthy creature, who cried, laughed, whistled, sung, and danced,
all in a breath. His transport was scarce over, when my father
entered, who no sooner understood that this was Strap, than he took
him by the hand, saying, "Is this the honest man who befriended you
so much in your distress? You are welcome to my house, and I will
soon put it in the power of my son to reward you for your good
offices in his behalf; in the meantime go with us and partake of
the repast that is provided." Strap, wild as he was with joy, would
by no means accept of the proffered honour, crying, "God forbid! I
know my distance--your worship shall excuse me." And Don Rodrigo,
finding his modesty invincible, recommended him to his major-domo,
to be treated with the utmost respect; while he carried me in
a large saloon, where I was presented to a numerous company, who
loaded me with compliments and caresses, and congratulated my father
in terms not proper for me to repeat.

Without specifying the particulars of our entertainment, let it
suffice to say, it was at the same time elegant and sumptuous, and
the rejoicings lasted two days; after which, Don Rodrigo settled
his affairs, converted his effects into silver and gold, visited and
took leave of all his friends, who were grieved at his departure,
and honoured me with considerable presents; and, coming on board
of my uncle's ship, with the first fair wind we sailed from the
Rio de la Plata, and in two months came safe to an anchor in the
harbour of Kingston, in the Island of Jamaica.





CHAPTER LXVII




I visit my old Friend Thompson--we set sail for Europe--meet with
an odd Adventure--arrive in England--I ride across the Country
from Portsmouth to Sussex--converse with Mrs. Sagely, who informs
me of Narcissa's being in London--in consequence of this Intelligence,
I proceed to Canterbury--meet with my old friend Morgan--arrive in
London--visit Narcissa--introduce my Father to be--he is charmed
with her good sense and beauty--we come to a Determination of
demanding her Brother's Consent to our Marriage


I inquired, as soon as I got ashore, about my generous companion,
Mr. Thompson, and hearing that he lived in a flourishing condition
upon the estate left him by his wife's father, who had been dead some
years, I took horse immediately, with the consent of Don Rodrigo,
who had heard me mention him with great regard, and in a few hours
reached the place of his habitation.

I should much wrong the delicacy of Mr. Thompson's sentiments to
say barely he was glad to see me: he felt all that the most sensible
and disinterested friendship could feel on this occasion, introduced
me to his wife, a very amiable young lady, who had already blessed
him with two fine children, and being as yet ignorant of my
circumstances, frankly offered me the assistance of his purse and
interest. I thanked him for his generous intention, and made him
acquainted with my situation, on which he congratulated me with
great joy, and, after I had stayed with him a whole day and night,
accompanied me back to Kingston, to wait upon my father, whom he
invited to his house. Don Rodrigo complied with his request, and,
having been handsomely entertained during the space of a week,
returned extremely well satisfied with the behaviour of my friend
and his lady, to whom, at parting, he presented a very valuable
diamond ring, as a token of his esteem. During the course of
my conversation with Mr. Thompson, he gave me to understand, that
his old commander Captain Oakum was dead some months, and that,
immediately after his death, a discovery had been made of some
valuable effects that he had feloniously secreted out of a prize
by the assistance of Dr. Mackshane, who was now actually in prison
on that account, and, being destitute of friends, subsisted solely
on the charity of my friend, whose bounty he had implored in the
most abject manner, after having been the barbarous occasion of
driving him to that terrible extremity on board of The Thunder,
which we have formerly related. Whatsoever this wretch had been
guilty of, I applauded Mr. Thompson's generosity towards him in
his distress, which wrought so much upon me also, that I sent him
ten pistoles, in such a private manner that he could never know
his benefactor.

While my father and I were caressed among the gentlemen on shore,
Captain Bowling had written to his owners, by the packet, which
sailed a few days after our arrival, signifying his prosperous voyage
hitherto, and desiring them to insure his ship and cargo homeward
bound: after which precaution he applied himself so heartily to the
task of loading his ship that, with the assistance of Mr. Thompson,
she was full in less than six weeks. This kind gentleman likewise
procured for Don Rodrigo bills upon London for the greatest part
of his gold and silver, by which means it was secured against the
risk of the seas and the enemy; and, before we sailed, supplied
us with such large quantities of all kinds of stock, that not only
we, but the ship's company, fared sumptuously during the voyage.

Everything being ready, we took our leave of our kind entertainers,
and, going on board at Port Royal, set sail for England on the
first day of June. We beat up to windward, with fine easy weather,
and one night believing ourselves near Cape Tiberon, lay to, with
an intention to wood and water next morning in the bay. While we
remained in this situation, a sailor, having drunk more new rum
than he could carry, staggered over board, and, notwithstanding all
the means that could be used to preserve him, went to the bottom,
and disappeared. About two hours after this melancholy accident
happened, as I enjoyed the cool air on the quarter-deck, I heard
a voice rising, as it were, out of the sea and calling, "Ho, the
ship ahoy!" Upon which one of the men upon the forecastle cried,
"I'll be d--n'd if that an't Jack Marlinspike, who went overboard!"
Not a little surprised at this event, I jumped into the boat that
lay alongside, with the second mate and four men, and rowing towards
the place from whence the voice (which repeated the hail) seemed
to proceed, we perceived something floating upon the water. When
we had rowed a little further, we discerned it to be a man riding
upon a hencoop, who, seeing us approach, pronounced with a hoarse
voice, "D--n your bloods! why did you not answer when I hailed?"
Our mate, who was a veritable seaman, hearing his salute, said,
"By G--, my lads, this is none of our man. This is the devil--pull
away for the ship." The fellows obeyed his command without question,
and were already some fathoms on our return, when I when I insisted
on their taking up the poor creature, and prevailed upon them to
go back to the wreck, which when we came near the second time, and
signified our intention, we received an answer of "Avast, avast--what
ship, brother?" Being satisfied in this particular, he cried, "D--n
the ship, I was in hopes it had been my own--where are you bound?"
We satisfied his curiosity in this particular too; upon which
he suffered himself to be taken on board, and, after having been
comforted with a dram, told us, he belonged to the Vesuvio man-of-war,
upon a cruise off the island of Hispaniola; that he had fallen
overboard four-and-twenty hours ago, and the ship being under sail,
they did not choose to bring to, but tossed a hencoop overboard
for his convenience, upon which he was in good hopes of reaching
the Cape next morning: howsomever, he was as well content to be
aboard of us because he did not doubt that we should meet his ship,
and if he had gone ashore in the bay, he might have been taken
prisoner by the French. My uncle and father were very much diverted
with the account of this fellow's unconcerned behaviour; and in two
days, meeting with the Vesuvio, as he expected, sent him on board
of her, according to his desire.

Having beat up successfully the windward passage, we stretched to
the northward, and falling in with a westerly wind, in eight weeks
arrived in the soundings, and in two days after made for the Lizard.
It is impossible to express the joy I felt at the sight of English
ground! Don Rodrigo was not unmoved, and Strap shed tears of
gladness. The sailors profited by our satisfaction, the shoe that
was nailed to the mast being quite filled with our liberality.
My uncle resolved to run up into the Downs at once, but the wind
shifting when we were abreast of the Isle of Wight, he was obliged
to turn into St. Helen's, and come to Spithead, to the great
mortification of the crew, thirty of whom were immediately pressed
on board a man-of-war.

My father and I went ashore immediately at Portsmouth, leaving
Strap with the captain to go round with the ship and take care of
our effects; and I discovered so much impatience to see my charming
Narcissa, that my father permitted me to ride across the country
to her brother's house; while he should hire a post-chaise for
London, where he would wait for me at a place to which I directed
him.

Fired with all the eagerness of passion, I took post that very
night, and in the morning reached an inn about three miles from the
squire's habitation; here I remained till next morning, allaying
the torture of my impatience with the rapturous hope of seeing
that divine creature after an absence of eighteen months, which,
far from impairing, had raised my love to the most exalted pitch!
Neither were my reflections free from apprehensions: that something
intervened in spite of all my hope, and represented her as having
yielded to the importunity of her brother and blessed the arms
of a happy rival. My thoughts were even maddened with the fear of
her death; and, when I arrived in the dark at the house of Mrs.
Sagely, I had not for some time courage to desire admittance, lest
my soul should be shocked with dismal tidings. At length, however,
I knocked, and no sooner certified the good gentlewoman of my voice
than she opened the door, and received me with the most affectionate
embrace, that brought tears into her aged eyes: "For heaven's sake,
dear mother," cried I, "tell me bow is Narcissa? is she the same
that I left her?" She blessed my ears with saying, "She is as
beautiful, in as good health, and as much yours as ever." Transported
at this assurance, I begged to know if I could not see her that
very night, when this sage matron gave me to understand that my
mistress was in London, and that things were strangely altered in
the squire's house since my departure; that he had been married a
whole year to Melinda, who at first found means to wean his attention
so much from Narcissa, that he became quite careless of that lovely
sister, comforting himself with the clause in his father's will,
by which she should forfeit her fortune, by marrying without his
consent: that my mistress, being but indifferently treated by her
sister-in-law, had made use of her freedom some months ago, and gone
to town, where she was lodged with Miss Williams, in expectation
of my arrival; and had been pestered with the addresses of Lord
Quiverwit, who, finding her heart engaged, had fallen upon a great
many shifts to persuade her that I was dead; but, finding all his
artifices unsuccessful, and despairing of gaining her affection,
he had consoled himself for her indifference, by marrying another
lady some weeks ago, who had already left him on account of some
family uneasiness. Besides this interesting information, she told
me there was not a great deal of harmony between Melinda and the
squire, who was so much disgusted at the number of gallants who
continued to hover about her even after her marriage, that he had
hurried her down into the country, much against her own inclination,
where their mutual animosities had risen to such a height, that
they preserved no decency before company or servants, but abused
one another in the grossest terms.

This good old gentlewoman, to give me a convincing proof of my dear
Narcissa's unalterable love, gratified me with a sight of the last
letter she had favoured her with, in which I was mentioned with so
much honour, tenderness, and concern, that my soul was fired with
impatience, and I determined to ride all night, that I might have it
the sooner in my power to make her happy. Mrs. Sagely, perceiving
my eagerness, and her maternal affection being equally divided between
Narcissa and me, begged leave to remind me of the sentiments with
which I went abroad, that would not permit me for any selfish
gratification to prejudice the fortune of that amiable young lady,
who must entirely depend upon me, after having bestowed herself
in marriage. I thanked her for her kind concern, and as briefly as
possible described my flourishing situation, which afforded this
humane person infinite wonder and satisfaction. I told her, that
now I had an opportunity to manifest my gratitude for the many
obligations I owed, I would endeavour to make her old age comfortable
and easy; as a step to which I proposed she should come and live with
Narcissa and me. This venerable gentlewoman was so much affected
with my words, that the tears ran down her ancient cheeks; she
thanked heaven that I had not belied the presages she had made,
on her first acquaintance with me; acknowledging my generosity,
as she called it, in the most elegant and I pathetic expressions;
but declined my proposal, on account of her attachment to the dear
melancholy cottage where she had so peacefully consumed her solitary
widowhood. Finding her immovable on this subject, I insisted on her
accepting a present of thirty guineas, and took my leave, resolving
to accommodate her with the same sum annually, for the more
comfortable support of the infirmities of old age.

Having rode all night, I found myself at Canterbury in the morning,
where I alighted to procure fresh horses; and, as I walked into
the inn, perceived an apothecary's on the other side of the street,
with the name of Morgan over the door; alarmed at this discovery,
I could not help thinking that my old messmate had settled in this
place, and upon inquiry found my conjecture true, and that he was
married lately to a widow in that city, by whom he had got three
thousand pounds. Rejoiced at this intelligence, I went to his shop
as soon as it was open, and found my friend behind the counter,
busy in preparing a clyster. I saluted him at entrance, with, "Your
servant, Mr. Morgan." Upon which he looked at me, and replying,
"Your most humble servant, good sir," rubbed his ingredients in the
mortar without any emotion. "What," said I, "Morgan, have you forgot
your old messmate?" At these words he looked up again, and starting,
cried, "As Cot is my--sure it cannot--yes, by my salfation, I pelieve
it is my dear friend Mr. Rantom." He was no sooner convinced of my
identity, than he threw down the pestle, overset the mortar, and
jumping over the board, swept up the contents with his clothes,
flew about my neck, hugged me affectionately, and daubed me all
over with turpentine and the yolks of eggs which he had been mixing
when I came in. Our mutual congratulations being over, he told
me, that he found himself a widower upon his return from the West
Indies; that he had got interest to be appointed surgeon of a
man-of-war, in which capacity he had served some years, until he
married an apothecary's widow, with whom he now enjoyed a pretty
good sum of money, peace, and quiet, and an indifferent good trade.
He was very desirous of hearing my adventures, which I assured him
I had not time to relate, but told him in general, my circumstances
were very good, and that I hoped to see him when I should not be
in such a hurry as at present. He insisted, however, on my staying
breakfast, and introduced me to his wife, who seemed to be a decent
sensible woman, pretty well stricken in years. In the course of
our conversation, he showed the sleeve-buttons I had exchanged with
him at our parting in the West Indies, and was not a little proud
to see that I had preserved his with the same care. When I informed
him of Mackshane's condition, he seemed at first to exult over his
distress; but, after a little recollection, said, "Well, he has paid
for his malice; I forgife him, and may Cot forgife him likewise."
He expressed great concern for the soul of Captain Oakum, which he
believed was now gnashing its teeth; but it was some time before I
could convince him of Thompson's being alive, at whose good fortune,
nevertheless, he was extremely glad.

Having renewed our protestations of friendship, I bade the honest
Welshman and his spouse farewell, and, taking post-horses, arrived
at London that same night, where I found my father in good health,
to whom I imparted what I had learned of Narcissa. This indulgent
parent approved of my intention of marrying her, even without fortune,
provided her brother's consent could not be obtained; promised to
make over to me in a few days a sufficiency to maintain her in a
fashionable manner and expressed a desire of seeing this amiable
creature, who had captivated me so much. As I had not slept the night
before, and was besides fatigued with my journey, I found myself
under a necessity of taking some repose, and went to bed accordingly:
next morning, about ten o'clock, took a chair, and according to Mrs.
Sagely's directions, went to my charmer's lodgings, and inquired
for Miss Williams. I had not waited in the parlour longer than a
minute, when this young woman entered, and no sooner perceived me,
than she shrieked and ran backward: but I got between her and the
door, and clasping her in my arms, brought her to herself with an
embrace. "Good heaven," cried she, "Mr. Random, is it you indeed?
My mistress will run distracted with joy." I told her, it was from
an apprehension that my sudden appearance might have had some bad
effect on my dear Narcissa, that I had desired to see her first, in
order to concert some method of acquainting her mistress gradually
with my arrival. She approved of my conduct, and, after having
yielded to the suggestions of her own friendship, in asking if my
voyage had been successful, charged herself with that office, and
left me glowing with desire of seeing and embracing the object
of my love. In a very little time I heard some body coming down
the stairs in haste, and the voice of my angel pronounce, with an
eager tone, "O heaven! is it possible! where is he?" How were my
faculties aroused at this well known sound! and how was my soul
transported when she broke in upon my view in all the bloom of
ripened beauty! Grace was in all her steps, heaven in her eye, in
every gesture dignity and love! You, whose souls are susceptible
of the most delicate impressions, whose tender bosoms have felt
the affecting vicissitudes of love, who have suffered an absence of
eighteen long months from the dear object of your hope, and found
at your return the melting fair as kind and constant as your
heart can wish, do me justice on this occasion, and conceive what
unutterable rapture possessed us both, while we flew into each
other's arms!  This was no time for speech: locked in a mutual
embrace, we continued some minutes in a silent trance of joy!
When I thus encircled all my soul held dear--while I hung over her
beauties--beheld her eyes sparkle, and. every feature flush with
virtuous fondness--when I saw her enchanting bosom heave with
undissembled rapture, and knew myself the happy cause--heavens! what
was my situation! I am tempted to commit my paper to the flames,
and to renounce my pen for ever, because its most ardent and lucky
expression so poorly describes the emotions of my soul. "O adorable
Narcissa!" cried I, "O miracle of beauty, love and truth! I at
last fold thee in my arms! I at last can call thee mine! No jealous
brother shall thwart our happiness again; fortune hath at length
recompensed me for all my sufferings, and enabled me to do justice
to my love." The dear creature smiled ineffably charmingly, and,
with a look of bewitching tenderness, said, "and shall we never art
again?" "Never," I replied, "thou wondrous pattern of all earthly
perfection! never, until death shall divide us! By this ambrosial
kiss, a thousand times more fragrant than the breeze that sweeps
the orange grove, I never more will leave thee!"

As my first transport abated, my passion grew turbulent and unruly.
I was giddy with standing on the brink of bliss, and all my virtue
and philosophy were scarce sufficient to restrain the inordinate
sallies of desire. Narcissa perceived the conflict within me,
and with her usual dignity of prudence, called off my imagination
from the object in view, and with eager expressions of interested
curiosity, desired to know the particulars of my voyage. In this
I gratified her inclination, bringing my story down to the present
hour. She was infinitely surprised at the circumstance of finding
my father, which brought tears into her lovely eyes. She was transported
at hearing that approved of my flame, discovered a longing desire
of being introduced to him, congratulated herself and me upon my
good fortune, and observed, that this great and unexpected stroke
of fate seemed to have been brought about by the immediate direction
of Providence. Having entertained ourselves some hours with the
genuine effusions of our souls, I obtained her consent to complete
my happiness as soon as my father should judge it proper; and, applying
with my own hands a valuable necklace, composed of diamonds and
amethysts set alternately, which an old Spanish lady at Paraguay
had presented me with, I took my leave, promising to return in the
afternoon with Don Rodrigo. When I went home, this generous parent
inquired very affectionately about the health of my dear Narcissa,
to whom, that I might be the more agreeable, he put into my hand
a deed, by which I found myself in possession of fifteen thousand
pounds, exclusive of the profits of my own merchandise, which
amounted to three thousand more. After dinner I accompanied him to
the lodgings of my mistress, who, being dressed for the occasion,
made a most dazzling appearance. I could perceive him struck with
her figure, which I really think was the most beautiful that ever
was created under the sun. He embraced her tenderly, and told
her he was proud of having a son who had spirit to attempt, and
qualifications to engage the affections of such a fine lady. She
blushed at this compliment, and, with eyes full of the softest
lauguishment turned upon me, said, she should have been unworthy
of Mr. Random's attention, had she been blind to his extraordinary
merit. I made no other answer than a low bow. My father, sighing,
pronounced, "Such was once my Charlotte;" while the tear rushed
into his eye, and the tender heart of Narcissa manifested itself
in two precious drops of sympathy, which, but for his presence,
I would have kissed away. Without repeating the particulars of
our conversation, I shall only observe, that Don Rodrigo was as
much charmed with her good sense as with her appearance, and she
was no less pleased with his understanding and polite address. It
was determined that he should write to the squire, signifying his
approbation of my passion for his sister, and offering a settlement,
which he should have no reason to reject; and that, if he should
refuse the proposal, we would crown our mutual wishes without any
further regard to his will.





CHAPTER LXVIII




My Father makes a present to Narcissa--the Letter is dispatched to
her Brother--I appear among my Acquaintance--Banter's Behaviour--the
Squire refuses his Consent--my Uncle comes to Town--approves of
my Choice--I am married--we meet the Squire and his Lady at the
Play--our Acquaintance is courted


After having spent the evening to the satisfaction of all present,
my father addressed himself thus to Narcissa. "Madam, give me
leave to consider you hereafter as my daughter, in which capacity
I insist upon your accepting this first instance of my paternal
duty and affection." With these words he put into her hand a bank
note of five hundred pounds, which she no sooner examined, than
with a low courtesy she replied. "Dear sir, though I have not the
least occasion for this supply, I have too great a veneration for
you to refuse this proof of your generosity and esteem, which I
the more freely receive, because I already look upon Mr. Random's
interest as inseparably connected with mine." He was extremely well
pleased with her frank and ingenuous reply, upon which we saluted,
and wished her good night. The letter, at my request, was dispatched
to Sussex by an express, and in the meantime, Don Rodrigo, to
grace my nuptials, hired a ready furnished house, and set up a very
handsome equipage.

Though I passed the greatest part of the day with the darling of my
soul, I found leisure sometimes to be among my former acquaintance,
who were astonished at the magnificence of my appearance. Banter
in particular was confounded at the vicissitudes of my fortune,
the causes of which he endeavoured in vain to discover, until I
thought fit to disclose the whole secret of my last voyage, partly
in consideration of our former intimacy, and partly to prevent
unfavourable conjectures, which he and others, in all probability,
would have made in regard to my circumstances. He professed great
satisfaction at this piece of news; and I had no cause to believe
him insincere, when I considered that he would now look upon himself
as acquitted of the debt he owed me, and at the same time flatter
himself with the hopes of borrowing more. I carried him home to dinner
with me, and my father liked his conversation so much, that, upon
hearing his difficulties, he desired me to accommodate him for the
present, and inquire, if he would accept of a commission in the
army, towards the purchase of which he should willingly lend him
money. Accordingly, I gave my friend an opportunity of being alone
with me, when, as I expected, he told me that he was just on the
point of being reconciled to an old rich uncle, whose heir he was,
but wanted a few pieces for immediate expense, which he desired
I would lend him and take my bond for the whole. His demand was
limited to ten guineas; and when I put twenty in his hand, he stared
at me for some moments; then, putting it into his purse, "Ay,--'tis
all one--you shall have the whole in a very short time." When I
had taken his note, to save the expense of a bond, I expressed some
surprise that a fellow of his spirit should loiter away his time
in idleness, and, asked why he did not choose to make his fortune
in the army. "What," said he, "throw away money upon a subaltern's
commission, and be under the command of a parcel of scoundrels,
who have raised themselves above me by the most infamous practices.
No, I love independency too well to sacrifice my life, health, and
pleasure, for such a pitiful consideration." Finding him adverse to
this way of life, I changed the subject, and returned to Don Rodrigo,
who had just received the following epistle from the squire:

    "Sir,--Concerning a letter which I received, subscribed R.
    Random, this is the answer. As for you, I know nothing of you.
    Your son, or pretended son, I have seen; if he marries my
    sister, at his peril be it; I do declare that he shall not
    have one farthing of her fortune, which becomes my property,
    if she takes a husband without my consent. Your settlement,
    I do believe, is all a sham, and yourself no better than
    you should be; but if you had all the wealth of the Indies,
    your son shall never match in our family with the consent of
                                        "Orson Topehall"

My father was not much surprised at this polite letter, after having
heard the character of the author; and as for me, I was even pleased
at his refusal, because I had now an opportunity of showing my
disinterested love. By his permission I waited on my charmer: and
having imparted the contents of her brother's letter, at which she
wept bitterly, in spite of all my consolation and caresses, the time
of our marriage was fixed two days. During this interval, in which
my soul was wound up to the last stretch of rapturous expectation,
Narcissa endeavoured to reconcile some of her relations in town to
her marriage with me; but, finding them all deaf to her remonstrances,
either out of envy or prejudice, she told me with the most enchanting
sweetness, while the tears bedewed her lovely cheeks, "Sure the
world will no longer question your generosity when you take a poor
forlorn beggar to your arms?" Affected with her sorrow, I pressed
the fair mourner to my breast, and swore that she was more dear
and welcome on that account, because she had sacrificed her friends
and fortune to her love for me. My uncle, for whose character she
had a great veneration, being by this time come to town, I introduced him
to my bride; and, although he was not very much subject to refined
sensations, he was struck dumb with admiration at her beauty.
After having kissed and gazed at her for some time, he turned to
me, saying. "Odds bobs, Rory! a notable prize indeed, finely built
and gloriously rigged, i'faith! If she an't well manned when you
take the command of her, sirrah, you deserve to go to sea in a
cockle shell. No offence, I hope, niece!  you must not mind what
I say, being (as the saying is) a plain seafaring man, thof mayhap
I have as much regard for you as another." She received him with
great civility, told him she had longed a great while to see a
person to whom she was so much indebted for his generosity to Mr.
Random; that she looked upon him as her uncle, by which name she
begged leave to call him for the future; and that she was very
sure he could say nothing that would give her the least offence.
The honest captain was transported at her courteous behaviour, and
insisted upon giving her away at the ceremony, swearing that he
loved her as well as if she was his own child, and that he would
give two thousand guineas to the first fruit of our love, as soon
as it would squeak. Everything being settled for the solemnisation
of our nuptials, which were to be performed privately at my father's
house, the auspicious hour arrived, when Don Rodrigo and my uncle
went in the coach to fetch the bride and Miss Williams: leaving me
with a parson, Banter, and Strap, neither of whom had as yet seen
my charming mistress. My faithful valet, who was on the rack of
impatience to behold a lady of whom he had heard so much, no sooner
understood that the coach was returned, than he placed himself at
a window, to have a peep at her as she alighted; and, when he saw
her, clapped his hands together, turned up the white of his eyes,
and, with his mouth wide open, remained in a sort of ecstacy, which
broke out into "O Dea certe! qualis in Eurotae ripis, aut per juga
Cynthi exercet Diana choros?" The doctor and Banter were surprised
to hear my man speak Latin; but when my father led Narcissa into the
room, the object of their admiration was soon changed, as appeared
in the countenances of both. Indeed, they must have been the most
insensible of all beings, could they have beheld without emotion
the divine creature that approached! She was dressed in a sack of
white satin, embroidered on the breast with gold, the crown of her
head was covered with a small French cap, from whence descended her
beautiful hair in ringlets that waved upon her snowy neck, which
dignified the necklace I bad given her; her looks glowed with modesty
and love; and her bosom, through the veil of gauze that shaded it,
afforded a prospect of Elysium! I received this inestimable gift
of Providence as became me; and in a little time the clergyman did
his office, my uncle, at his own earnest request, acting the part
of a father to my dear Narcissa, who trembled very much, and had
scarce spirits sufficient to support her under this great change of
situation. Soon as she was mine by the laws or heaven and earth,
I printed a burning kiss upon her lips; my father embraced her
tenderly, my uncle hugged her with great affection, and I presented
her to my friend Banter, who saluted her in a very polite manner;
Miss Williams hung round her neck, and went plentifully; while Strap
fell upon his knees, and begged to kiss his lady's hand, which she
presented with great affability. I shall not pretend to describe
my own feelings at this juncture; let it suffice to say that having
supped and entertained ourselves till ten o'clock, I cautioned my
Narcissa against exposing her health by sitting up too late, and
she was prevailed upon to withdraw with her maid to an apartment
destined for us. When she left the room, her face overspread with
a blush that set all my blood in a state of fermentation, and made
every pulse beat with tenfold vigour! She was so cruel as to let
me remain in this condition a full half-hour: when, no longer able
to restrain my impatience, I broke from the company, burst into her
chamber, pushed out her confidante, and locked the door, and found
her--O heaven and earth!--a feast a thousand times more delicious
than my most sanguine hopes presaged! But, let me not profane the
chaste mysteries of Hymen. I was the happiest of men!

In the morning I was awaked by three or four drums, which Banter
had placed under the window; upon which I withdrew the curtain,
and enjoyed the unspeakable satisfaction of contemplating those
angelic charms which were now in my possession! Beauty! which,
whether sleeping or awake, shot forth peculiar graces! The light
darting upon my Narcissa's eyes, she awoke also, and recollecting
her situation, hid her blushes in my bosom. I was distracted with
joy! I could not believe the evidence of my senses, and looked upon
all that had happened as the fictions of a dream! In the meantime
my uncle knocked at the door, and bade me turn out, for I had had
a long spell. I rose accordingly, and sent Miss Williams to her
mistress, myself receiving the congratulation of Captain Bowling,
who rallied me in his sea phrase with great success. In less than
an hour, Don Rodrigo led my wife into breakfast, where she received
the compliments of the company on her looks, which, they said, if
possible, were improved by matrimony. As her delicate ears were
offended with none of those indecent ambiguities which are too
often spoken on such occasions, she behaved with dignity, unaffected
modesty, and ease; and, as a testimony of my affection and esteem,
I presented her, in presence of them all, with a deed, by which I
settled the whole fortune I was possessed of on her and her heirs
for ever. She accepted it with a glance of most tender acknowledgment,
observed, that she could not be surprised at anything of this kind
I should do, and desired my father to take the trouble of keeping
it, saying, "Next to my own Mr. Random, you are the person in whom
I ought to have the greatest confidence." Charmed with her prudent
and ingenuous manner of proceeding, he took the paper, and assured
her that it should not lose its value while in his custody.

As we had not many visits to give and receive, the little time we
stayed in town was spent in going to public diversions, where I
have the vanity to think Narcissa was seldom eclipsed. One night,
in particular, we sent our footman to keep one of the stage boxes,
which we no sooner entered, than we perceived in the opposite
box the squire and his lady, who seemed not a little surprised at
seeing us. I was pleased at this opportunity of confronting them;
the more, because Melinda was robbed of all her admirers by my wife,
who happened that night to outshine her sister both in beauty and
dress.  She was piqued at Narcissa's victory, tossed her head a
thousand different ways, flirted her fan, looked at us with disdain,
then whispered to her husband, and broke out into an affected
giggle; but all her arts proved ineffectual, either to discompose
Mrs. Random, or to conceal her own mortification, which at length
forced her away long before the play was done. The news of our
marriage being spread, with many circumstances to our disadvantage,
by the industry of this malignant creature, a certain set of persons
fond of scandal began to inquire into the particulars of my fortune,
which they no sooner understood to be independent, than the tables
were turned, and our acquaintance was courted as much as it had been
despised before: but she had too much dignity of pride to encourage
this change of conduct, especially in her relations, whom she could
never be prevailed upon to see, after the malicious reports they
had raised to her prejudice.





CHAPTER LXIX




My father intends to revisit the Place of his Nativity--we propose to
accompany him--my Uncle renews his will in my favour, determining to
go to sea again--we set out for Scotland--arrive at Edinburgh--purchase
our paternal Estate--proceed to it--halt at the Town where
I was educated--take up my bond to Crab--the Behaviour of Potion
and his Wife, and one of our Female Cousins--our Reception at the
Estate--Strap marries Miss Williams, and is settled by my Father
to his own satisfaction--I am more and more happy.


My father intending to revisit his native country, and pay the tribute
of a few tears at my mother's grave, Narcissa and I resolved to
accompany him in the execution of his pious office, and accordingly
prepared for the journey, in which, however, my uncle would
not engage, being resolved to try his fortune once more at sea.
In the meantime he renewed his will in favour of my wife and me,
and deposited it in the hands of his brother-in-law: while I (that
I might not be wanting to my own interest) summoned the squire
to produce his father's will at Doctors' Commons, and employed a
proctor to manage the affair in my absence.

Everything being thus settled, we took leave of all our friends
in London, and set out for Scotland, Don Rodrigo, Narcissa, Miss
Williams, and I, in the coach, and Strap, with two men in livery,
on horseback; as we made easy stages, my charmer held it out very
well, till we arrived at Edinburgh, where we proposed to rest
ourselves some weeks.

Here Don Rodrigo having intelligence that the foxhunter had spoilt
his estate, which was to be exposed to sale by public auction, he
determined to make a purchase of the spot where he was born, and
actually bought all the land that belonged to his father.

In a few days after this bargain was made, we left Edinburgh, in
order to go and take possession; and by the way halted one night
in that town where I was educated. Upon inquiry, I found that Mr.
Crab was dead; whereupon I sent for his executor, paid the sum I
owed with interest, and took up my bond. Mr. Potion and his wife,
hearing of my arrival, had the assurance to come to the inn.
where we lodged, and send up their names, with the desire of being
permitted to pay their respects to my father and me: but their
sordid behaviour towards me, when I was an orphan, had made too
deep an impression on my mind to be effaced by this mean mercenary
piece of condescension: I therefore rejected their message with
disdain, and bade Strap tell them, that my father and I desired to
have no communication with such low-minded wretches as they were.

They had not been gone half-an-hour, when a woman, without any
ceremony, opened the door of the room where we sat, and, making
towards my father, accosted him with, "Uncle, your servant--I am
glad to see you." This was no other than one of my female cousins,
mentioned in the first part of my memoirs, to whom Don Rodrigo
replied, "Pray, who are you, madam?" "Oh!" cried she, "my cousin
Rory there knows me very well. Don't you remember me, Rory?" "Yes,
madam," said I; "for my own part, I shall never forget you. Sir,
this is one of the young ladies, who (as I have formerly told you)
treated me so humanely in my childhood!" When I pronounced these
words, my father's resentment glowed in his visage, and he ordered
her to be gone, with such a commanding aspect, that she retired in
a fright, muttering curses as she went downstairs. We afterwards
learned that she was married to an ensign, who had already spent all
her fortune; and that her sister had borne a child to her mother's
footman, who is now her husband, and keeps a petty alehouse in the
country.

The fame of our flourishing condition having arrived at this place
before us, we got notice that the magistrates intended next day to
compliment us with the freedom of their town; upon which my father,
considering their complaisance in the right point of view, ordered
the horses to the coach early in the morning.

We proceeded to our estate, which lay about twenty miles from this
place; and, when we came within half-a-league of the house, were met
by a prodigious number of poor tenants, men, women, and children,
who testified their joy by loud acclamations, and accompanied our
coach to the gate. As there is no part of the world in which the
peasants are more attached to their lords than in Scotland, we were
almost devoured by their affections. My father had always been
their favourite, and now that he appeared their master, after having
been thought dead so long, their joy broke out into a thousand
extravagances. When we entered the court yard, we were surrounded
by a vast number, who crowded together so closely to see us that
several were in danger of being squeezed to death; those who were
near Don Rodrigo fell upon their knees, and kissed his hand, or the
hem of his garment, praying aloud for long life and prosperity to
him; others approached Narcissa and me in the same manner; while
the rest clapped their hands at a distance, and invoked heaven to
shower its choicest blessings on our heads! In short, the whole
scene, though rude, was so affecting, that the gentle partner of
my heart wept over it, and my father himself could not refrain from
a dropping a tear.

Having welcomed his daughter and me to his house, he ordered some
bullocks to be killed, and some hogsheads of ale to be brought
from the neighbouring village, to regale these honest people, who
had not enjoyed such a holiday for many years before.

Next day we were visited by the gentlemen in the neighbourhood,
most of them our relations, one of whom brought along my cousin,
the foxhunter, who had stayed at his house since he was obliged to
leave his own! My father was generous enough to receive him kindly,
and even promised to purchase for him a commission in the army,
for which he expressed great thankfulness and joy.

My charming Narcissa was universally admired and loved for her
beauty, affability, and good sense; and so well pleased with the
situation of the place, and the company round, that she has not as
yet discovered the least desire of changing her habitation.

We had not been many days settled, when I prevailed upon my father
to pay a visit to the village where I had been at school. Here
we were received by the principal inhabitants, who entertained us
in the church, where Mr. Syntax the schoolmaster (my tyrant being
dead) pronounced a Latin oration in honour of our family. And none
exerted themselves more than Strap's father and relations, who
looked upon the honest valet as the first gentleman of their race,
and honoured his benefactors accordingly. Having received the homage
of this place, we retired, leaving forty pounds for the benefit of
the poor of the parish; and that very night, Strap being a little
elevated with the regard that had been shown to him, and to me on
his account, ventured to tell me, that he had a sneaking kindness for
Miss Williams, and that, if his lady and I would use our interest
in his behalf, he did not doubt that she would listen to his addresses.
Surprised at this proposal, I asked if he knew the story of that
unfortunate young gentlewoman; upon which he replied, "Yes, yes,
I know what you mean--she has been unhappy, I grant you--but what
of that? I am convinced of her reformation; or else you and my good
lady would not treat her with such respect. As for the censure of
the world, I value it not a fig's end--besides, the world knows
nothing of the matter." I commended his philosophy, and interested
Narcissa in his cause; who interceded so effectually, that in a
little time Miss Williams yielded her consent, and they were marred
at the approbation of Don Rodrigo, who gave him five hundred pounds
to stock a farm, and made him overseer of his estate. My generous
bedfellow gave her maid the same sum; so that they live in great
peace and plenty within half-a-mile of us, and daily put up prayers
for our preservation.

If there be such a thing as true happiness on earth, I enjoy it.
The impetuous transports of my passion are now settled and mellowed
into endearing fondness and tranquillity of love, rooted by that
intimate connection and interchange of hearts which nought but
virtuous wedlock can produce. Fortune seems determined to make
ample amends for her former cruelty, for my proctor writes that,
notwithstanding the clause in my father-in-law's will, on which
the squire founds his claim, I shall certainly recover my wife's
fortune, in consequence of a codicil annexed, which explains that
clause, and limits her restriction to the age of nineteen, after
which she was at her own disposal. I would have set out for London
immediately after receiving this piece of intelligence, but my
dear angel has been qualmish of late, and begins to grow remarkably
round in the waist; so that I cannot leave her in such an interesting
situation, which I hope will produce something to crown my felicity.


End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Adventures of Roderick Random
by Tobias Smollett

